Hardee Made Easy [pp. 284]

284
VANITY FAIR.
[JUNE 22, 1861.
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DESCRIPTIVE, BUT HARDLY POLITE.
Hatter.-" I GUESS WE'LL RAVE TO MEASURE YOU, SPECIAL, FOR A HAT, SIR, ON ACCOUNT OF YOUR BEING SOMEWHAT PECULIAR ABOUT THE HEAD; HOSS-HEADED, IN FACT,
IF I MAY SO EXPRESS IT."

New-York gone to Grass.
There is a fine picture of the melancholy
desolation at present brooding over the city
of New-York, in the following announcement, culled from an evening paper:
"The editor ot the Louisville Courier, secession,
has been presented by a friend, direct from NewYork, with a bunch of grass that grew in the streets
of this city.'"
Perhaps the editor of the Louisville Courier
thinks it derogatory to the character of New
York as a live city that grass should grow
in.its streets. But if that secessional person only knew how many thousand NewYork people live in Clover, and how many
thousand other New-York people live on
Old Rye, he would probably retire from
seceding and come utip to New-York to make
Hay while the sun shines.
:pigram.
BY OUR PRIVATE ARONAUT.
Balloons in our armies-they're better than
spies,
To discover the rebels, and how the land
lies,
But won't the South use -them? To one
fact you're blind,
They can't use balloons when they can't
raise the wind!
For the National Hymn Prize Comiittee.
A Boston paper thinks Genet 8r[uite
enough of a National B1ii for the is.
On the same principle, we Itay tlf?at
General HoustoN, if true to the;ixt,
Gould have equally Sufficed for a oal
SAM. But having lately shown a reb.l. rinclination, we fear we must cisider him
rather a Common Preyer.

BIB-BIB-BEERY.
A Boston paper, in commending to the good graces of the beerdrinking public a new candidate for their patronage, thus wittily
enumerates his qualifications. He is
"A German by birth, but an American in feeling and loyalty. He is a man of
large information, and will bring to the conduct of his new business a good
character, a patriotic heart, and as his motto is " The Union, the Constitution
and the Enforcement of the Laws," his saloon will be a resort- fit for persons of
the highest respectability."
Beyond peradventure, in that "lovely bower of innocence and
ease," that Eden of perennial purity known as Boston, the above
is regarded as a first-rate notice. No doubt it is so: we are not
inclined to question the excellence of such attributes; we have
the utmost respect for "large information;" we cherish a lively
pride ia "a good character;" and "a patriotic heart" beats to
music which stirs us like "the trumpet's thrilling tone." And yet
in our quality of beer-drinker,-for we will not deny that the
seductive lager has its charms for us, we should as willingly hear
that the new purveyor would offer us the essential elements (and
aliments) of wholesome beer and palatable pretzeln. " He is a
good man, but he can't keep a hotel," is a trite maxim of palpable
application; and the very sublimation of moral excellence is often
lost in the uncongenial atmosphere of the kitchen and the brewery.
But we are not of Boston, where moral precepts are sought in the
bottom of a beer-glass, and a mite-y influence for good resides in
Schweitzer Kase. Selah! (which, according to a distinguished Bos ton authority, signifies "Let us take a drink!")
Next and lastly: we are as strongly predisposed to patriotism as
most folks; the waistcoat under which beats our manly heart is
fabricated from the best army cloth at the expense of the St
our tailor; a red, white and blue cravat circumvests our lovely
neck; we use the Union hair-tonic well-shaken and carefully
rubbed in; and yet we do not see the intimate connection between
"The Union &c.," and "The highest respectability." Patriotism
is praiseworthy; but in these glorious days it:is not confined to
"respectable" people.' It permeates alike the "bloated aristo
I crat" and the not less bloated democrat; it flings it bnier to the
breeze from the manions of Beacon Street, but it takes root as
well in the rank soil of North Street. Wherefore, 0 wise jddge,
the smooth may be jostled by the rough even in thie well-reguldted
saloon where "The Union, the Co'nstitution, and the Enforcemient
of the Laws" is the watchword.
Take courage, oh, ye beer-bibbers! For these things are com patible: large information and lager beer; good cheese and a
good character; pretzeln and patriotism.

HARDEE MADE EASY.
The recruit will understand that, although every battalion is
provided with Wings, there is no such thing as Fly-time recognised
in the Federal service.
In drilling recruits without Arms, it is not necessary to give
them any instructions with regard to the disposal of their Hands.
If a Colonel commanding, post your companies according to
rank of captains-having previously Posted yourself according to
this edition of HARDEE'S Tactics.
It is laid down that "the distance from one rank to another
will be thirteen inches." This has reference, however, only to
rank and file, and does not mean that a major comes within
thirteen inches of being a lieutenant-colonel, or anything of that
sort.
For Halting, it is not absolutely necessary that the soldier
should have one leg shorter than the other.
To confound your greatest enemy, go through your course of
HARDEE'S Tactics in a room immediately over the one in which he
resides. Bringing your musket down to the "order," very oftenwith a loud bang, will divert his attention from more serious pursuits and gratify your spleen.
By a careful study of the above, the recruit cannot fail of becoming a soldier-in time.
This, our edition of HARDEE, is the only correct epitome of that
authority. Buy our HARDEE!-only six cents with the rest of
VANITY FAIR.
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