Moses, the Sassy; or, the Disguised Duke [pp. 273]

JUNE 1i, 1861.]
VANITY FAIR.
: -~~~~7
[Secured by Twelve Copyrights.j
MlOSES, THIIE SASSY;
OR,
THE DISGUISED DUKE.
BY ARTEMUS WARD.
CHAPTER I.-ELIzY.
My story opens in the classic presinks of Bostin. In the parler of a bloated aristocratic mansion on Bacon street sits a luvly
young lady, whose hair is cuverd ore with the frosts of between 17
Summers. She has just sot down to the piany, and is warblin
the popler ballad called "Smells of the Notion," in which she
tells how with pensiv thought, she wandered by a C beat shore.
The Son is settin in its horizon, and its gorjus light pores in a
golden meller flud through the winders, and makes the young lady
twice as beautiful nor what she was before, which is onnecegsary.
She is magnificently dressed up in a Berage basque, with poplin
trimmins, More Antique, Ball Morals and 8 ply carpeting. Also,
considerable gauze. Her dress contains 16 flounders and her shoes
is red morocker, with gold spangles onto them. Presently she
jumps up with a wild snort, and pressin her hands to her brow,
she exclaims: " Methinks I see a voice!"
A noble youth of 27 summers enters. He is attired in a red
shirt and black trowsis, which last air turned up over his boots;
his hat, which it is a plug, beian cockt onto one side of his classical
bed. In sooth, he was a heroic lookin person, with a fine shape.
Grease, in its barmiest days near projuced a more hefty cavileer.
Gazin upon him admiringly for a spell, Elizy (for that was her
name) organized herself into a tabloo, and stated as follers:
_. __~....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~",,:
"Ha! do me eyes deceive me earsight? Is it some dreams?
No, I reckon not! That frame! them store clothes! those nose!
Yes, it is me own, me only Moses!"
He (Moses) folded her to his hart, with the remark that he was
"a hunkey boy."
CHAPTER II.-WAs MosEs 6r NOBLE BIRTH?
Moses was foreman of Engine Co. No. 40. Forty's fellers had
just bin havin an annual re-union with Fifty's fellers, on the day I
introjuce MOSES to my readers, and Moses had his arms full of
trofees, to wit: 4 scalps, 5 eyes, 3 fingers, 7 ears, (which he had
chawed off,) and several half and quarter sections of noses. When
the fair ELIzY recovered from her delight at meetin MosES, she
said:-" How hast the battle gonest? Tell me!"
"W e chawed'em up-that's what we did!" said the bold MosEs.
"I thank the gods!" said the -fair ELIZY. "Thou did'st excellent well. And, MOSES," she continued, layin her bed confidinlly
agin his weskit, "dost know I sumtimes think thou istest of noble
birth?"
"No!" said he, wildly ketchin hold of hisself. "You don't say
so!"
"Indeed do I! Your dead grandfather's sperrit comest to me
the tother night."
"Oh no, I guess it's a mistake," sed Moses.
"I'1 bet two dollars and a quarter he did!" replied ELIzY. "He
said,' MosEs is a Disg-uised Juke!'"
"You meani Duke," said MOSES.
"Dost not the actors all call it Juke?" said she.
That settled the matter.
"';I hav thought of this thing afore," said MosEs. abstractedly.
"If it is so, then thus it must be! 2 B or not 2 B! Which?
Sow, sow! But enuff. 0 life! life!-you're too mnany for me!"
He tore out some of his pretty yeller hair, stampt on the floor
sevril times, and was gone. -
CHAPTER III.-THE PIRUT FOILED.
Sixteen long and weary years has elapst since the seens narrated
in the last chapter took place. A noble ship, the Sary Jane, is a
sailin from France to Amerily via the Wabash Canal. A pirut
ship is in hot pursoot of the Sary. The pirut capting isn't a man
of much principle and intends to kill all the people on bored the
Sary and confiscate the wallerbles. The capting of the S. J. is on
the pint of givin in when a fine lookin feller in russet boots and a
buffalo overcoat rushes forerd and obsarves
"Old man! go down stairs! Retire to the starbud bulk-hed!
I'll take charge of this Bote!"
"Owdashus cuss!" yelled the capting, "away with thee or I
shall do mur-rer-der-r-r!"
"Skurcely," obsarved the stranger, and he drew a diamondhilted fish-knife and cut orf the capting's hed. He expired
shortly, his last words bein, "we are governed too much."
"People!" Bed the stranger, "I'm the Juke d'MosEs 1"
"Old hoss!" sed a passenger, "methinks thou art blowin I"
whareupon the Juke cut orf his hed also.
"Oh that I should live to see myself a ded body!" screamed
the unfortnit man. "But don't print any verses about my deth
in the newspapers, for if you do I'll haunt ye!"
"People!" sed the Juke, "I alone can save you from yon
bloody pirut I lo! a peck of oats!" The oats was brought, and
the Juke, boldly mountin the jibpoop, throwed them onto the
towpath. The pirut rapidly approached, chucklin with fiendish
delight at the idee of increasin his ill-gotten gains. But the
leadin hoss of the pirut ship stopt suddent on comin to the oats,
and commenst for to devour them. In vain the piruts swore and
throwd stones and bottles at the hoss-he wouldn't budge a inch.
Meanwhile the Sary Jane, her hosses on the full jump, was fast
leavin the pirut ship!
" Onct agin do I escape deth!" sed the Jtuke between his
clencht teeth, still on the jibpoop.
CHAPTER IV.-THE WANDERER'S RETURN.
The Juke was MosEs the MosEs. Yes, it was!
He had bin to France and now he was home agin in Bostin,
which gave birth to a Bunker Hill! I He had some trouble in
gittin hisself acknowledged as Juke in France, as the Orleans Dienasty and Borebones were -fearnenst him, but he finally cnkerd.
ELIZY knowd him right off, as a one of his ears and a part of his
nose had bin chawed off in his fights with opposition firemen
durin boyhood's sunny hours. They lived to a green old age,
beloved by all, both grate and small. Their children, of which
they have numerous, often go up onto the Common and see the
Fountin squirt.
This is my 1st attemnpt at writin a Tail & it is far from bein perfeck, but if I hav indoosed folks to see that in 9 cases out of 10
they can either make Life as barren as the Dessert of Sarah, or as
joyyus as a flo wer garding, my objeck will have bin accomplished,
and more too.
Put That in your Pipe, Jeff.
If giving comfort to an enemy is treason, let JEFF DAVIS hang
all his tobacco-planters. Just see what a lot of Solace they have
furnished to the North!
The Only Way the Rebels can take Washington.
"Over the left."
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