America to the World [pp. 230]

230
VANITY FAIR.
[MAY 18, 1861.
But J. DAVIs, the minit you fire a gun at the piece of dry-goods
called the Star-Spangled Banner, the North gits up and rises en
massy, in defence of that banner. Not agin you as individooa!s
-not agin the South even-but to save the flag. We should indeed be weak in the knees, unsound in the heart, milk-whi'te in
the liver, and soft in the hed, if we stood. quietly by and saw this
glorus Govvment smashed to pieces, either by a furrin or a intestine foe. The gentle-harted mother hates to take her naughty
child across her knee, but she knows it is her dooty to do it. So
we shall hate to whip the naughty South,-but we must do it if you
don't make:back tracks at'onct, and we shall wollup you out of
your boots! J. DAVIS, itis. my decided opinion that the Sonny
South is' makin a egriej u.smuti ton-hed of herself!"
"Go on,. sirr, you're safe enuff. You're too small powder for
me!"' se!d the'President'of the Southern Conthiev eracy.
"Wait till I go home and-startout the Baldinsvill lounted Hoss
Cavalry-! -i'm Capting of that Corpse, I am, and J. DAVIS, beware-!
J:FFrERSON D.,-:I- now. leave:you! -' Farewell' my gay Saler Boy!:
Good bye, my bold buccaneer! Pirut of the deep blue sea, adoo!
adoo1"-. -:., -
My tower hthrew the Southern Conthieveracy on my way home
was thrillin: enuf for yeller covers. It will form the subjeck of
my n.ext,?BzTrs- JANE and the progeny air well.
.:; - -...: —:..Yours respectively,
A; WARD.
. ~ ~ ~ ~~ ~.. _

READ:.-READ!! INTERCEPTED LETTER FROG JEFF
D.' TO GENERAL B.
- "HIGJILY MORIAL AND INSTRUCTIVE."
The.folloWing extraordinary and characteristic epistle was intercepted by our quondam ":devil"-now a high private in the federal
service, while on a secret foraging expedition (for himself) somewhere in the vicinity of Alexandria.
Comment is unnecessary. We simply present the letter; videlicet.
TEMPORARY CAPITAL, S. C., May 6th, 1861.
MY DEAR GENERAL:-This will reach you according to my calculations, at the moment of your glorious achievement of the capture of the Northern Capitol of Washington. [If not sooner!
Ed. V. F.,] I need not say how sincerely I congratulate you on this
brilliant coup-de-main, nor how poignantly I regret the necessity
that forbade my sharing in the glory of the enterprise. This same
stern necessity will force me to remain here for probably some
weeks, (perhaps longer, since Mrs. D. says she has not half
packed-up for moving yet,) and I therefore write you, partly at
her request, to give you a few directions with regard to thearrangements for our reception and accommodation at the "White
House." (N. B.-Mrs. D. bids me say this moment, she can
promise to start this day two weeks.) We desire no unnecessary
display on the occasion of our arrival. Let the confederate army
of occupation simply turn out in full uniform and line the route
from the landing to the Capitol; while the cannon at the various
forts and batteries fire, each not more than a hundred salutes, and
every citizen be politely requested to wear a Confederate badge,
and keep open house for the -gallant soldiers of the victorious
South. Mem: Eight barouches with six horses each will be sufficient for ourselves and suite. Mrs. D.. and the girls request that
all the'military bands play Confederate airs at various stations on
the route, and the girls also think it would be an impressive thing
to have-bands of maidens fling flowers before me, as was done in
th'e case of my prototype, General WASHINGTON. You will have a
plain but sumptuous repast provided at the "White House" for
ourselves and suite, only thirty-two, as I wish to be simple and en
familte in this, as in all other particulars of taking possession.
Mrs. — D. begs that you will have the Executive Mansion
thoroughly cleaned, painted, and generally renovated. Carpets,
mattings, draperies, and all furniture, utensils, &c., changed. In
short, the memory even of the "status in quo erat ante bellurn" to be
obliterated. If there are no competent mechanics among our
troops, Impress those of Washington Favorably with the operation. Mrs. D. reminds me that Aunt BzCKY the cook, declares
"' the kitchen muss' be witewashed fust, ef she's a gwine to cook
in dar." I think on reflection that it would also be well to change
the external color of'the Mansion. A new era begins with our
reign, and we do not'care to have our residence known by the
worn-out title of the "White House." Let it be painted crimson,
in' commemoration of the desperate combat and sanguinary victory
which has restored it to its rightful possessors. There are a few
other trifles which we do not recall at present. They can wait our
arrival. Ah! pray issue one thousand select invitations for a
Reception and. Ovation Ball to take place, the third evening after
our installation, in the Rotunda of the Capitol. Compliment the
army in my name for their gallantry and devotion to the cause of
Yours very truly, JEFFzRSON D.
P. S.-Send the ladies of the late officers of. the so-called U. S.
Government to the convent at Georgetown under proper escort,
and with due courtesy. Hang LINcoLN and SEwARD at once!!
Keep the others close prisoners until our decision be known. With
regard to those taken in arms against us, I will send you private
instructions to-morrow.
You are hereby appointed Military Governor, pro tern: of the
District of Columbia. Further orders for the northward march of
our troops will be forwarded to-morrow. J. D.

AMERICA TO THE WORLD.
"You cannot be too decided or too explicit in making known
to the French government that there is not now,,or has there been,
-:nor will there be any, the least idea existing in this government
of suffering a dissolution of this Union to take place in any way
whatever. There will be hero only one nation and one govern
meat, and there will be the same republic and the'.same constitutional Union that have already survived a dozen national changes
and changes of government in almost every other country. These
will'stand hereafter as they are now, objects of human wonder
and human affection."-'-WILLIAM H. SEWARD.
I.
Tell them this Union-so great-cannot sever,
Though it may tremble beneath the rude shock,
As it hath lived, so it shall live forever
Strong as the mountain oak, firm as the rock.
II.
Others have fallen-are falling around us,
Dynasties tremble and sink to decay;
But the great heart whose stony fetters have bound us
Never has throbbed.as it's throbbing to-day.
IIIl.
Let them not deem in a moment of weakness,
We can surrender our birthright and name,Strike the old flag, and with patience and meekness
Bear the foul blot on our hardly'-earned fame.
IV.
Dumb be the tongue that would tell the foul story,
Blighted the brain could conceive it in sin;
Crushed be the heart that would tarnish the glory
And honor our country hath striven to win.
V..
Ever and ever our flag shall be streaming
Adding new glories of stripes and of stars;
Though the sword glancing and bayonet gleaming
Tell us of treasons, corruptions and wars.
VI.
Soon shall our land to its old peace returning
Spring to the duties that make nations great,
And while in every heart valor is burning
Calmly and bravely her destiny wait.
A Change of Title to be dreaded.
The slaves call their masters by their several first names, as
Massa JohN, Massa RICHARD, aind the' like. We fear, however,
that if the present Rebellion continues, the negroes will take advantage of it to drop this innocent familiarity,,and Mas-sa-cre their
traitor lords indiscriminately.
A Compound Retrogression Syllogism.
If it takes three miles to make a leagueAnd if a miss is only as good as a mile;And if a miss is not always a belle;How can one Bell make a league in the Border States?
Triumph of Mechanical Skill.
It is said that the Pennsylvania Legislature is being regularly
drilled every evening. We presume this stupendous operation is
accomplished by means of the Borers.
The Action of Maryland.
The Action of Maryland.
Back-action.
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