The Primpenny Family, Chapter II [pp. 13-14]

VANITY FAIIR.
period would be an amusement. In fact when we consider the
quality of the article she gives, I think that paying her on the
nail would be about the amusingest little thing I could do If I'd
been out of cigars-or wanted a new coat-or was distressed for any
other of the necessaries of life, why I'd have come to you. Rely
on me, old boy! You'll find me a friend in every time of needmine or your own."
And Mr. MUFFLEs struck a diramatic attitude of greatly magnanimous expression.
"Why MUFFLES, I thought you liked Mrs. MCCROWDER's l" continued Mr. PaRIMPENNY, helping himself to a seat on the iron bedstead which furnished the apartmient,assisted by three cane-bottomed
chairs, boasting ten legs and more or less incapacitated backs between them; a wash-stand kept from bringing still further grief
to its broken crockery by at WEBSTER'S Dictionary set on end to
prop its lower shelf, a cherry table,dusted the day the new chambermaid came, as a perfidious s-timulus to the belief that she meant to
keep on doing it; a walnut-stained bureau, whose drawers invariably pulled zig-zag and then wedged tight; a cheval glass, calculated for interesting optical experiments, by the fact that wherever
the foil still stuck'on, it gave the looker just three times the
longitudinal amount of jaw donated by nature; and a book-rack
slung to the wall by green cords, containing light literature, two
Schiedam Schnapp bottles, an odd volume of STORY on the C(,nstitution, a spirit-lamp, a pair of boxing-g]oves', a lot of loose manuscript, and a broken fiddle.
"Like Mrs. MCCROwDE,R's?" replied Mr. MUFFLES, solemnly' "I
do like Mrs. MCCROWDRz' S! I adore the place! I cherish the
woman! Mrs. McCBROWDER'S is a school of philosophy! Mrs.
MCCROWDER'S is a college-an academe! Life is to be'seen at Mrs.
MCCROWDER's! Not the luxurious side cf life, as perhaps you may
have gathered from glances around this humble appartment. That
side of life is to be studied on Broadway or the Boulvards. This
is the Cheapside of life."
"It's nore like the Seven Dials or Gruib-street," said Mr PRIMPENNY, sarcastically, shrugging his shoulders as he looked about
the room.
"Five dollars a week for life, as seen here in its most remarkable
phase-feed, lodging, fuel and gas thrown in. The Spanish animal
-the Landlady animal-the Irish waiter, the Dutch chambermaid
-the Patriot-every variety of unusual creature is here to be
studied in its haunts and habits. That's worth five dollars per
week, decidedly! Now supposing the father of afamily should
come to me and say,'MUFFLES, I feel a responsibility for the
development of my children, where can I get their eye-teeth cut?'
Laying my hand on my bosom, I would reply,'Mrs. McCROWDRR's!
Mrs. McCRowDEIR is herself an embodiment of sound practical
wisdom-wisdom a. taught in all ages by the vehicle of the adage.
Take this proverb for instance,' Go farther and fare worse'-Mrs.
McCROwIDR is a living illustration! She makes her butcher's
meat do the first, her boarders the second, to a degree attained by
no other professional in New York!"
"Be serious for a minute, MUFFLES, for I've come to consult with
you. At last the Governor's consented to give me an establishment.
I want your advice as to the style of thing you'd have."'
"Trotting waggon, I should say; wheels red, picked out in
yellow, span of dark bays, tiger, and c
"Bah! I mean a house —a bachelor establishment."
Mr. MUrFFLLEs jumped to his feet, in the excitement of the moment
breaking the last reliable chair-back in the room.
"A house of your own?" he exclaimed. ",'ll go and board
with you!"
"No you won't! not in the ordinary sense. You shall live with
me if you choose, and I'll be jolly glad to have you. But no bills
to dodge, no shunttilng yourself up in the garret, you know! You
are my bosomest friend, old MUFF, and 1 haave the greatest con fidence in your opinion. Now I want your idea in regard to the
house. What sort of a house should it be? Where would you
take it? How would you keep it? Would you have a~ housekeeper
-or a respectable family to look after things-or only a man servant, and an old woman to sweep and dust, a hile you fed at the
club? Just give us your idea of a horse, MUFFLEs!"
"You want a real model, do you? Well-take this house for
instance"'-answered Mr. MUFFLES with the bitterly sarcastic air
as a wronged man, who could not unhitch his mind from the subject on which it was sorest-" This is the pattern house to live in.
We have all the modern improvements here. Not only the usual
appliances of vulgar luxury, but a good many with which Civilization up-town hasn't kept pace. Look at our Croton. It's none
of your common Crotons! It's arranged on the principle of in genious little surprises which stimulate,he mind to cheerfulness.
You want hot water? An ordinary intellect naturally thinks of
the hot cock and turns it. What do you get? Cold water! That's
a peculiarly nice astonishment, when you're taking a bath in
winter, you know. Or do you want cold water? By the same
pleasant system, hot water runis at the cold cock. To prevent
monotony, the surprise is once in a while agreeably varied by both
cocks' running cold and hot mixed. If you want a-drink that's
the agreeablest of all the surprises. It illustrates the principle of
copartnership, and it's an excellent emetic beside. I don't know
but our bell-pulls are a prettier attraction than our Croton. Gentlemen who hope some day to have a home of their own, and want
to acquire the accomplishment of ringing for things, can practise
on them, as a child learns music on a dumb piano, without disturbing anybody in the house. I'rang for TEAGUE the other day
fifteen times by count. and hanged if Mrs. McCRowDLR made the
slightest objection! Speakirig of TEAGUE suggests another (f our
improvements. All the servants but him are German. This is
vastly conducive to morality, for the boarders, with my exception,
are all Spanish, and when they swcar at a girl who brings up coals
an hour after they've sent her for ham-sandwiches, why she can't
understand'em you see. This is a kind of a house to have! Here's
your model-Mrs. McCROWDER'S!"
How much longer the mildly ironical MUFFLEs would have continued his eulogy it is impossible now to ascertain. For just at
this juncture a solid tramp as of armed battalions was heard on
the stair-case below, and the roar of foreign voices mingled with it
like the sound of many waters. It appeared at that instant to Mr.
PRIMPENNY that at least a hundred people, in a state bordering on
insanity, had'met in the entry for mutual assassination. From a
Spanish t6ur which lasted three days. during the period of his
abandoned youth Mr. PRIMPENNY had acquired enough familiarity
with CASTILIAN to conclude that the dialect in which the crowd were
making their noise was Spanish-but such a noise he had never
heard in Spanish, or any other tongue.
"Good Heavens, MUFFLEs," he exclaimed turning very pale,"what can they be fighting about?"
It isn't a fight," said MUFFLES, "it's only a Junta."
"What's a' Hoonta'?"
"It's an amicable assembly of Spanish gentlemen, who meet
once a week to declare their eternal hatred to despots-smoke
cigarettes-drink maraschino-free Cuba-and go home with the
girls in the mnornling. Cuba stays frieed just a week, then the
Spanish gentlemen come and do it again; They're going to do'it
now. They feel very bad till they get the hatred to despots off
their minds. and that's the reason they talk so loud. When that's
over they'll feel better, and consider that they've done their duty
to their country. There's another feature of Msrs'.-McCowi's!
Periodical patriotism! Very funny it is tco.' he Junta meets in
the room just under us. Keep quiet and you will hear it through
the floor."
By this time the infuriated crowd of friendly patriots had locked
themselves in the room below-and a comparative lull ensued,
during which they appeared to be taking their seats. Then a
sepulchral base voice said something unintelligible, to American
ears with a ceiling in their -way —which was followed by a tumultuous burst of bravos and hand-clapping. At this instant the gas
in Mr. MuFFLE's burner began dwindling to a tsmall blue cone.
Then it shot higher in a broad yellow blaze-and finally, after
sending forth a series of very pretty multi-colored sparkles, quietly
went out altogether.
"D-n that gas!", exclaimed Mr. MU.FFLES, "there's another
feature of Mrs. McCRowDniR's! That's the fifth time thiis week.
Perhaps this pyrotechnic display,- common to boarding-liouse
gas-fixtures owes somewhat of its attraction to novelty. Itf is to
be expected that after it has run for five successive evenings, ulln scientific minds will find itmonotonous and call for some other
entertainment less purely philosophical.; In accordance with these
views, the gas had hardly concluded its final disappea:anc when
the gentlemen of the Junta were heard rushing to the top' of the
stairs, and emitting sounds which persons the least versed in
polite Spanish would scarcely have interpreted as applause.'
" PRIMPENNY! exclaimed- Mr. MUFF.LEs, jumping up and seizing
his friend by the arm. "Let's run down stairs just a minute. It's
a good charnce now to see life! All the Junta's in the entry, and
when a Junta's mad there's no: fun like it. All the hatred they've
been bottling up the last week for despots has hbust'out on the
gas! Quick as you can! Come along'!"
(To he continued.)
Red Precipitate.
South Carolina.
What Major Anderson's " Fort" is.
Fort Sumpter.
I
14
[JANUARY 12, 1861.
RdPeipiae