The Shoulder-Knot, Chapter VII [pp. 86-91]

THE LADIES' REPOSITORY.
THE LADIES' REPOSITORY.
MARCH, 1849.
TEE SZOU'DER KNOT
C -APTER VI.
C014FESSI(Dl'$ OF A WORLDLINO.S
"WILL you suffer a poor, unworthy brother," said
Thomas, rising up in token of his deep humility, "to
relate an experience scarcely paralleled in the annals of
the world? Much to my confusion do I utter the proof
of my own wickedness; but truth and sincerity require
it at my hands. You know not what a wretch you have
admitted to the hospitality of these walls., As I hear
the winds of winter roaring through the forest, I can
but feel, that, did you award me my deserts, you would
turn me out to wander, as a wild beast, through the
darkness and dangers of these boundless woods.
"I am the child of honest parents; was born in the
upper ranks of life; received my education under the
care of diligent instructors; and obtained a fortune, at
the decease of my sainted father, which unsettled my
character at the very outset of life.
"WVishing to spend my money, I plunged into the
most extravagant excesses, never quitting an indulgence
till I had drained it to the dregs. My health soon failed
me; my fortune next followed my health; and I was
thrown upon a cold world without a virtue, or a friend.
Ten years I spent in fruitless regrets over my past
crimes; another ten I wandered, like a vagrant, from
land to land; and, at the expiration of a third period, of
equal duration, which I devoted to a deep-seated bitterness against the order of divine Providence, I entered a
convent to mourn over the follies of my youth.
"Here I underwent, by way of penance, excessive
fastings, protracted vigils, severe flagellations, and all
the modes of self-crucifixion prescribed by the holy
order. I stood, like a pillar-saint, for four weeks together, on a chair in my cell, and about half of every
day on one foot. Four hours a day, for exactly three
months, I stood on niy head, supporting my position
partly by may hands, and partly by resting my feet against
the wall. Seven months I lived without seeing a ray of
light, regarding myself too great a sinner to look at
heaven's pure beams, and denying myself, as a supererogator.-y duty, the use of artificial illumination. Food I
refused altogether, excepting what nourishment there is
in roots; and, to quench my parching thirst, I would
stand out in a shower of rain, or a heavy fall of dew,
and hold my mouth upward to catch moisture, like a
mere base vegetable as I was. If I found my straw
pallet too warns and comfortable for such a wretch, I
immediately arose, and slept standing against the cold
walls, in the corner of my cell, or left the convent altogether, to make my bed on wet leaves, or in a bank of
snow. All the clothing I suffered myself to wear, was
scarcely what decency demanded; and I made it, also,
a settled point always to show such rents in my garments,
or filth upon my person, as would be sure to mortify my
pride.
"Hatting become, by the instruction of my teachers,
and the discipline of the house, a fir'm believer in the
'spiritual state,' I longed to be Xisited by souse of those
ministering beings, who are sent on errands of mercy to
mankind. Many weeks were spent in supplicating the
Virgin, to favor me with such a helper, who might aid
me in my struggling out of darkness into light. Again
I would make my requests of different saints, Peter,
John, and Paul, or of whomsoever I thought, at the
moment, took greatest interest in these suits. Going
thus through the whole calendar, as well as I understood it, and receiving no answer to my petitions, I became discouraged, and nearly gave up the effort; but,
reminding myself, that, through ignorance, I might have
omnitted some powerful personage in the list, who, if
included, would deign to listen more favorably to my
wishes, I fell down upon my face, one night, and prayed
to all the saints at once, presuming that the hitherto neglected ones would be able to recognize and assert themselves. Nor did I limit them, this time, to sending a
friendly spirit-any messenger, I said, whose character and services may be equal to my deserts.
"I rose from,sy prostrate condition, and, taking a
chair, sat down to read. The book I laid hold of was
the Legends of the Saints. Being exhausted by the previous exercise, added to the wasting habits of my life, I
nodded and fell asleep. When I awoke, I found myself
sitting in an elegantly-furnished room, by the side of a
blazing fire. Looking up in amazement, to discover who
or where I was, I saw another person, a perfect fac-simile of myself, sitting in the opposite corner by the fire.
When I looked up, he looked up; when my eyes fell to
the floor, his fell to the floor likewise; and whatsoever I
did, he copied mnore exactly than I could have repeated
it myself. I drew a deep, heavy breath; and he drew
a deep, heavy breath, as if it had been the echo of my
own. At length I screamed for help; he screamed for
help, also, with the same tone and power of voice. I
was now stupefied with fear, the cold sweat starting from
my face; and he, too, seemed suddenly frozen to his
seat, except that a flood of perspiration began to pour
down in torrents from his haggard cheeks. I fastened
my astonished eyes upon him; he fixed his astonished
eyes on me; and there we sat, I know not how long,
bending toward each other in motionless horror, as if
each was waiting for the other to break the spell, while
neither seemed able to stir a muscle.' O0, ye heavens,'
I cried, as soon as I could gather strength,'save me, or
I perish!' and fell senseless to the floor. When I came
to myself, I was in the cold cell of the convent again,
sitting exactly as I did at first; but the Legends of the
Saints had fallen upon the stone pavenment at my feet.
"At another time, I was lying on my cot of straw, in
deep distress of body, as I had tasted of neither food nor
drink for many days. Hunger was gnawing at my vitals;
and I was fevered with a burning thirst. All at once I
fell into a strange condition, which it is impossible to describe. Whether it was a dream, a reverie, or a trance,
I shall never know. My hunger and thirst exceeded all
bounds. There was a stream of deep crystal water flowing near me; and on its hither bank were long tables
ranged, loaded with every luxury that heart could wjsh.
I rose up to satisfy my appetite, when a young man, hale,
intelligent, and beautiful, but apparently in a frenzy, till
then concealed, started from the river's bank, and intercepted my approach. Thrusting his hands into his
pockets, he began to throw gold coin into the water,
until he had utterly emptied them of a vast store of
wealth. This done, he turned to the loaded tables, and
commenced hurling the loaves and dishes into the river,
also, till the boards were entirely cleared. He then sat
down to grieve; then roamed like a wild man over the
barren fields; then he raised his puny fists, as if making
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