Memoirs of Mrs. Hawkes, late of Islington. By Catharine Cecil [pp. 239-271]

24Vemoirs of Mrs. Hawkes.
will never make a profession, lest I too, should fall below the mark, and disgrace
that sacred cause. A dread of this has, for many years, made me silent when
my heart was at times stirred: but more especially since I first heard at St.
John's, two years ago. My mind before this period, was merely transiently
impressed, and the impressions wore away, and vanished like the morning dew;
but from the first time of hearing Mr. Cecil, I earnestly began to cry out,
'WHAT SHALL I 1)DO TO BE SAVED..'
"During the last two years I have literally'roared with anguish of spirit.'
The arrows of the Almighty have stuck so fast in me. Temptations from the
world-temptations from within,-and most horrible temptations or suggestions
from my spiritual enemy-have made my flesh tremble. The only thing that
seemed to save me from absolute despair and distraction, was the reading
Christian's fight with Apollyon; and his walk through the dark valley, in the
PILORIM'S PItOGRESS.
"It is generally believed among many of my acquaintance that I am mad.
I have Been mad with vanity and folly, but I trust that nowz the Lord is bringing me to a right mind.
"Though I have many very godly acquaintance and friends, I could never
speak my mind to them; and I durst not speak to my minister, whom I never
fail to hear, because of my determination to keep my religion to myself. At
length, however, after much sorrow, and many prayers, He that promises help
in time of need, sent his faithful and kind messenger to me, the least of all,
with words of admonition, comfort, and instruction; which, while they are, I
trust, engraven on my heart, I am also desirous to retain in my memory as to
the particula?rs: and thus to secure to myself the advantage of often looking
them over.
"In conversing, I first named my great and long predominating fear of making a profession, lest I should dishonour God. To which Mr. C. replied,' Every Christian must meet with difficulties, temptations, and trials; and so
will you. But what then 1 Is not God able to defend you? We, as ministers
of the Gospel, greatly rejoice to direct and assist our flock; but in a thousand
cases, it is utterly out of our power to do it, even where we are most intimate.
You will frequently find yourself alone in your journey, and feel that you can
turn to no friend on earth for direction. In such cases, you must not be dismayed, but trust in God; and feel out your way like one groping in the dark;
take a step at a time.
"On the other hand, take care, when you receive help from any friend, or
your minister, that you do not lean too much upon them, nor be too anxious for
their support. We are all poor earthen vessels.
"Watch and pray against failures; but take heed of desponding under
them. Be content to travel as you are able. The oak springs from the acorn;
but does it become a tree at once? Because the stage waggon cannot travel to
York as fast as the stage coach, would you therefore say it will never get to
York? The mushroom springs up in a night; but what is the mushroom?
"You must not look for perfection either in yourself or others. Not to allow
for the infirmities and defects of a fallen nature, is not to understand any thing
about the matter; nay, it is to speak directly contrary to the Bible, the standard
of all truth. There never was more than one perfect character upon earth, and
he was the most tender and compassionate towards the imperfections of men.
He knew what was in man, for he looked at the heart; and if he saw that
right, he pitied, where those who judged only by the outward appearance,
blamed; and defended, where they condemned.
"There is one distinction you should keep very clear in your mind-that
religion itself, in its essence, is perfect; as our rule and standard it is unerring;
nor can it be affected by the inconsistences or imperfections of its professors:
the standard remains the same: the balances are true: but when its professors
are weighed therein,-even the very best of them,-they are found wanting.
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