Paintings in Profile, Part III [pp. 698-705]

Paintings in Profile.
beauties meet us at every step. I will illustrate
them.
"Ha! my man of the steel pen, you appear to
be vexed."
"The President is a fool!"
" You don't say so."
The Secretary of State is a dolt."
"You alarm me."
"The Secretary of the Treasury is a rogue."
"We are ruined if this be so."
"And the Commissioner of Patents is a greater
fool than all put togethler."
"That's a bull-but I see what ails you. You
have been refused a patent and are now angry with
the rat that eat the malt that lay in the house that
Jack built.'"
Behold! my author.
"The knavery of this world-political, social
and literary-is beyond belief."
"Beyond belief."
Plagiarism is the order of the dayv."
"Of the day."
"Thieves do not steal property alone, they steal
brains."
"Steal brains."
"Don't echo me, sir, if you please, look here read!" I do not know how a good anatomist can
ever love the fairest of his race. Were I intimnately acquainted with the human frame, I would
as soon fall in love with a wheelbarrow.
"And this" The miseries of life are formed, for the most
part, of trifes. Great disasters call forth all the
energies of our minds, to meet them, and, in the
end, we generally succeed. Jt was once our misfortune to lose, for a while, the use of both arms;
and the greatest annoyance we experienced, was an
inability to scratch our head. N. B. We are not
a Scotchman.
"Two most profound reflections."
"They are profound; but what business have
they in this book? It is my thunder.
"Indeed! the rat has been in Jack's houseeaten his malt. Send a critic a literary grimalkin-after him, and soon you may shout in triumph
'This is the cat that caught the rat,' " &c.
Again did Mr. Doddrington pause. "The house
that Jack built" was carefully consigned to his
pocket; and, mounting upon the huge tome which
lay upon the floor, he proceeded to declaim a most
eloquent oration on the charms of Miss Boggs.
He had three comparisons for her eyes; a dewdrop, a star, a diamond; three for her lips; coral,
cherries, rubies; three for her teeth; pearls, crystal, ivory. Having eulogized her beauties in detail, he clubbed them, and Miss Boggs became, successively a goddess, an angel, a Psyche, a Hebe, a
Venus. a Juno. The gracefulness which characterized every motion of her person, was his next
his episodes are the best part of his performances.
Indeed, it is an opinion which Mr. Doddrington has
often expressed to us in private, that any subject
may be exhausted in fifteen minutes, and, unless
we resort to episode, we cannot expect the ap plause of our auidience-conciseness not being, as
formerly, a merit. In support of this opinion, Je remiah refers us to the Congressional speeches and
documents of the day. We acknowledge that the
reference illustrates the doctrine; but as we do
not agree with the doctrine itself, we must take
warning and bring this most veracious history to a
close, by relating one other incident in the life of
its hero.
Jerry having found that his private theatricals
were no longer private, or feeling his genius
cramped by the walls of a room, or for some other
purpose which we know not, but which led to the
result about to be related, determined to resort to
the open vault of heaven, with the green sward for a rostrum, and the merry whispering leaves for
an audience, that he might cultivate the talent
which he felt-as it is said every genius does was within him. He wanted room, perhaps, for
the three great requisites, action! action! action!
for though we have exhibited him in the character
of a critic-cultivating the ars scribendi, instead
of the ars loquendi, yet we took the precaution, in
assuming our title, to insinuate that he was a disciple of Tully-as Tully spoke, and not as he wrote.
It was, doubtless, the indignation which he experienced while reading some passage in the volume
which he treated so discourteously, that caused him
to indite the ironical laudation on "the house that
theme; and here he became so excited, that he
leaped front his throne and commenced a dance,
chanting, all the time,
" ITer feet, beneath her petticoat,
Like little mice peel) in and out,
As if they feared the light;
But, oh! she dances such a way,
No sun upon an Easter (lay,
Is half so fine a sight!"
Our risible muscles could bear no more. Slhout ing "weel done, Cutty-sark!" we took to our heels
and left Jerry to finish the Shaking Quaker wor ship of his goddess.
This habit of "talking to yourself," is by no
means confined to Mr. Jerry Doddrington. Since
the days of Demosthenes private declamation has
been the fashion; and within a mile of the place
sacred to our lucubrations, there is a grove in which
a now deceased Attorney General was accustomed
to exercise his oratorical powers. Here, before a
jury composed of eight oaks, three hickories and a
hard-hearted gum, he was wont to cultivate an art
which afterwards brought him distinction and wealth.
Whether he had a Miss Boggs, to whom an episode was occasionally addressed, we have no means
of deternining. Jerry, as we have seen, has-and
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