Crime and Consequences [pp. 749-759]

SOUTHERN LITERARY MESSENGER.
ner in heaven. Do you try how much there is on earth.
But I am losing time. Am I to understand that you
decline sharing with Wallis and myself?"
"No," I replied, "it is my fate; I have gone too far
to recede, and I must endure, as I can, the loss of self respect."
We parted, mixing in with the general crowd. It
was not long before Roberts had collected various persons around him, who seemed to be listening with great
attention to something he was narrating, which, to
judge from their frequent peals of laughter, was highly
humorous. No one knew better than he how to afford
entertainment to others. His manner was admirable;
his very laugh was a provocative to mirth. Without
being boisterous, it was the most joyous, careless, lighthearted burst of gaiety that I ever listened to. Of those
who were most attracted by him, was the young man
I have before mentioned, the son of the old sheriff. He
seemed to be in an ecstasy of delight, and Roberts
fooled him "to the top of his bent." They drank together, they sang together, and committed various extravagances; Roberts declaring that he was just in
the humor for a frolic, and a frolic he would have.
Presently cards were introduced, I know not at whose
suggestion, and I was told by some one that a faro
bank was about to be opened, and I received the information as if it were new to me. We soon afterwards
adjourned to another room, and the game was commenced. At first 1 did not bet, or rather appeared not
to do so, but stood looking on at the others, and marking the vicissitudes of the game. To my surprise and
regret I saw the sheriff's son at the table, for I had
always heard him spoken of as a moral and prudent
youth, and, moreover, I had not supposed he possessed
the means to play. I observed, however, that although
evidently flushed with what he had been drinking, he
staked with caution, and would not, in all probability,
win or lose any thing of consequence, and I thought
nothing more of the matter. About midnight, after
going through the mockery of apparently winning some
hundreds, I threw myself upon a couch and slept. It
was daybreak when I awoke, but the lights were still
burning, and the gamesters, undiminished in number,
as eager as ever in their play. Roberts was among
them, and I, being desirous of returning home, took him
aside to acquaint him with my intention. He objected
to my doing so, stating that he was excessively fatigued,
and must sleep a few hours himself; that he had forborne to awake me, and I must now take my turn to
watch, for it was better that one of us should observe
how things were going on; that so far, owing to the
most singular run of luck on the part of one individual
that he had ever witnessed, the bank was loser. 1 inquired how his young companion had fared. He had
lost rather heavily. "But surely," said I, "he cannot
afford to do so." He replied very carelessly, "that's
his own affair. I did not urge him to play. The truth
is, he received yesterday a considerable sum of money
in payment of an execution, and very possibly he may
be using the funds. I suppose he knows that he can
make it all good. But go you now and sit down, and
wake me in a couple of hours, that will be sufficient
repose for me."
I was fain to comply with his request. Before the
two hours had elapsed, however, a messenger arrived
with the intelligence that my wife had been taken
alarmingly ill. Rousing Roberts, I immediately de parted and pushed forward with all possible speed;
but the distance was considerable and the road execrable, and several hours were consumed before I reached
home. All was quiet. Leaping from my horse I rushed
towards the house; a feeling of faintness came over
me, and I was obliged to pause and lean against the
door-post for support. Rousing my energies I proceeded to my wife's chamber, and knocked gently for
admittance. A faint voice desired me to enter. I did
so, and was met by Emily's sister, who was weeping
bitterly. Not a word was spoken-she pointed to the
bed and left me. I softly approached and with a trembling hand I drew aside the curtain.
Did she sleep? The eyes were closed, the face serene
and almost smiling. I took her hand-it was cold and
clammy to the touch. I gently pressed her bosom.
Was it a throb that I felt? No-that heart had ceased
to beat, had ceased to feel. Life with all its bitterness
had fled. The enfranchised spirit had soared to its
native home. 1 gazed in silence. I did not weep, I did
not groan. There was a benumbing, icy thrall that
bound up every faculty; it was pain, it was agony, but
it left no power to express that pain.
I heard a feeble sob: Whence did it proceed? I had
thought 1 was alone. I moved in the direction of the
sound. Stretched upon the floor, his face buried in his
little hands, lay my boy. I kneeled beside him; I raised
and strained him to my breast. "Oh, let me go," said
he, "mother is gone; I want to go to mother. She said
she would ask her God to keep a place for me, and God
is good, I know, and he will do it. Father, lay me
down there with mother."
Mr. W.... here bent his head and wept like a child.
It is fearful to see an old man weep. Presently he
resumed.
I left the chamber of death, and retired to the room I
had used as a study. What was passing in my mind
I am utterly unconscious of. The past, the present and
the future, were mingled ii one common chaos. I was
lost in a reverie that seemed protracted beyond the
years of man. Of the mass of confused and unintelligible ideas that were swarming in my brain, one at
length stood out clear and distinct, and gathered strength
as I brooded over it. It was self-destruction. It rose
upon me, a cheering light, shedding gladness over my
dark and desperate fortunes. The intolerable weight
which had pressed upon my mind was at once uplifted,
the pent-up agony which had racked my heart passed
off, and visions of peace, of a deep, enduring calm,
floated before me, unmixed with a doubt or dread of
the untried future. There was a loaded pistol lying
on the table; in an instant it was in my grasp, but
heaven in its mercy saved me from that crime-a sudden icy pang transfixed me; utterly enfeebled I sank
to the floor, my senses fled, and I was as one who is
numbered with the dead, or who had never breathed
among the living.
When reason was again restored to me, I found myself stretched upon a bed. I recognized the apartment
in which I lay; it had been my wife's. I tried to move,
but had not the strength to do so. I heard a step in
the room and essayed to speak; my voice was scarce a
whisper; the light in the chamber was dim, but my
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