Tobacco battered; & the pipes shattered (about their eares that idlely idolize so base & barbarous a weed; or at least-wise ouer-loue so loathsome vanitie:) by a volley of holy shot thundered from Mount Helicon..

About this Item

Tobacco battered; & the pipes shattered (about their eares that idlely idolize so base & barbarous a weed; or at least-wise ouer-loue so loathsome vanitie:) by a volley of holy shot thundered from Mount Helicon..
Sylvester, Josuah, 1563-1618.
[London :: H. Lownes,
1616 or 1617]

To the extent possible under law, the Text Creation Partnership has waived all copyright and related or neighboring rights to this keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above, according to the terms of the CC0 1.0 Public Domain Dedication ( This waiver does not extend to any page images or other supplementary files associated with this work, which may be protected by copyright or other license restrictions. Please go to for more information.

Cite this Item
"Tobacco battered; & the pipes shattered (about their eares that idlely idolize so base & barbarous a weed; or at least-wise ouer-loue so loathsome vanitie:) by a volley of holy shot thundered from Mount Helicon.." In the digital collection Early English Books Online 2. University of Michigan Library Digital Collections. Accessed May 26, 2024.


Page [unnumbered]


WHAT-euer GOD created, first was good, And good for Man, while Man vprightly stood But, falling Angels causing Man to fall, His foule Contagion con-corrupted All His fellow-Creatures, for his Sinne accurst, And for his sake transformed from their First; Till GOD and MAN, Mans Leprie to re-cure, By Death kild Death, re-making All things pure:
But, To the pure; not to the stil-Prophane, Who (Spider-like) turne Blessings into Bane; Vsurping (right-les, thank-les-need-les) heer, In wanton, wilfull, wastefull, lustfull Cheer, Earths plentious Crop, which GOD hath onely giuen Vnto his Owne, (Heires both of Earth and Heauen) Who onely (rightly) may with Praise and Prayer, Enioy th'increase of Earth, of Sea, and Ayre, Fowle, Fish, and Flesh, Gems, Metalls, Cattell, Plants; And namely, (That which now no Ingle wants) Indian TOBACCO, when due cause requires; Not the drie Dropsie of Phantasticke Squires.

Page 82

None therefore deeme that I am now to learne (How euer dim I many things discerne) Reason and Season, to distinguish fit Th'Vse of a thing, from the Abuse of it; Drinking, from drunking, Saccharum cum Sacco; And taking of, from taking all TOBACCO.
Yet out of high Disdaine and Indignation, Of that sterne Tyrant's strangest Vsurpation, Once, demi-Captiue to his puffing Pride, (As millions are, too-wilfull foolifi'd) Needs must I band against the need-lesse Vse Of Don TOBACCO, and his foule Abuse: Which (though in Inde it be an Herbe indeed) In Europe, is no better then a Weed; Which to their Idols Pagans sacrifize, And Christians (heer) doe wel-nigh Idolize: Which taking, Heathens to the Diuels bow Their Bodies; Christians, euen their Soules do vow. Yet th' Heathen haue, with th'Ill, some Good withall; Sith, Their con-natiue, 'tis con-natural. But, see the nature of abounding Sinne, Which more abounding Punishment doth winne For knowing Seruants wilfull Arrogance, Then filly Strangers sauage Ignorance.

Page 83

For, what to Them is Meat and Med'cinable, Is turn'd to Vs a Plague intollerable.
Two smoakie Engines, in this latter Age (Sathans short Circuit; the more sharp his rage) Haue beene inuented by too-vanted Wit, Or rather, vented from th'Infernal Pit, GVNS & TOBACCO-PIPES, with Fire and Smoak, (At least) a Third part of Mankind to choak: (Which, happely, th' Apocalyps fore-told) Yet of the Two, We may (thinke I) be bold, In some respects, to thinke the Last, the Worst, (How-euer Both in their Effects accurst.) For, Gunns shoot from-ward, onely at their Foen; Tobacco-Pipes, home-ward, into their Owne (When, for the Touch-hole, firing the wrong end, Into our Selues the Poysons force we send:) Those, in the Field, in braue and hostile manner; These, Cowardly, vnder a Couert Banner: Those, with Defiance, in a Threatfull Terror; These, with Affiance, in a Wilfull Error: Those, (though loud-roaring, goaring-deep) quick-ridding; These, stilly stealing, longer Languors breeding: Those, full of pain (perhaps) and fell despight: These, with false Pleasure, and a seem-delight

Page 84

(As Cats with Mice, Spiders with Flies) full rife Pipe-playing, dallying, & deluding Life.
Who would not wonder, in these Sunny-Dayes (So bright illightned with the GOSPEL's Rayes) Whence so-much Smoak, & deadly Vapors come, To dim & damne so much of Christendome? But, wee must ponder too, These Dayes are Those Wherein the Diuell was to be let lose; And Yawning broad Gate of that black Abysse To bee set ope, whose Bottome bound-les is; That Sathan, destin'd, euermore to dwell In Smoakie Fornace of that darkesome Cell, In Smoak & Darknes might inure & train His Owne deere Minions, while they heer remain; As roaguing Gypsies, tan their little Elves, To make them tann'd and oughe, like them Selves.
Then, in Despight, who-ever dare say Nay, TOBACCONISTS, keep-on your Course: You may, If you continew in your Smoakie Vre, The better fat Hell's sulphurie Smoak indure; And heerin (as in All your other Euill) Grow neerer still and liker to the Diuell: Saue that the Diuell (if hee could re-voke) Would fly from filthy & vnhealthy Smoak;

Page 85

Wherein (cast out of Heauen for hellish Pride) Vn-willing Hee, and Forced doth abide: Which, heerin worse than Hee (the worst of Ill) You long-for, lust-for, lie-for, die-for still: For as the Salamander liues in Fire, You liue in Smoake; and with-out Smoake expire.
SHould it be question'd (as right well it may) Whether Discouerie of AMERICA, That New-found World, haue yeelded to our Ould More Hurt or Good: Till fuller Answer should Decide the Doubt and quite determine it, Thus for the present might we answer fit: That Thereby Wee haue (rightly vnderstood) Both giuen and taken greater Hurt then Good: And that on both sides, both for Christians It had been better, and for Indians, That onely Good men to their Coast had come, Or, that the Euill had still staid at home.
For, what our People haue brought Thence to vs, Is like the Head-peece of a Polypus, Wherein is (quoted, by sage Plutarch's Quill) A Pest'lence great good, and great Pest'lence ill.
Wee had from Them, first, to augment our Stocks. Two grand Diseases, Scuruie and The Rocks:

Page 86

Then, Two great Cordials (for a Counterpeize) Gold and TOBACCO; both which, many waies, Haue done more Mischief than the former Twaine; And All together brought more Losse then Gain.
But, true it is, we had this Trash of Theirs, Onely in Barter, for our broken Wares. Ours, for the most part, caried out but Sin; And, for the most part, brought but Vengeance, in: Their Fraight was Sloth, Lust, Auarice, & Drink (A Burthen, able with the Waight, to sink The hugest Carrak; yea, those hallowed Twelue, Spains great Apostles euen to ouer-whelue) They caried Sloath, & brought home Skuruy-skin, They caried Lust, and brought home Pocks within: They caried Auarice, and Gold they got: They caried Bacchus, & TOBACCO brought. Alas, poore Indians! that but English, None Could put them downe in their owne Trade alone! That none, but English (more Alas! more strange!) Could iustifie their pitifull Exchange.
Of All the Plants that Tellus bosome yeelds, In Groues, Glades, Gardens, Marshes, Mountains, Fields, None so pernitious to Mans Life is knowne, As is TOBACCO, sauing HEMP alone.

Page 87

Betwixt which Two there seemes great Sympathy, To ruinate poore Adam's Progeny: For, in them Both a strangling vertue note, And Both of them doo worke vpon the Throte, The one, within it; and without, the other; And th'one prepareth Worke vnto the tother. For, There doo meet (I mean at Gayle & Gallowes) More of these beastly, base TOBACCO-Fellowes, Then else to any prophane Haunt doo vse, (Excepting stil The Play-house and The Stewes) Sith 'tis Their common Lot, (so double-choaked) Iust, bacon-like, to be hangd vp, and smoaked: A Destinie, as proper to befall To morall Swine, as to Swine naturall.
If there be any Herbe, in any place, Most opposite to GOD's good Herb-of-grace, 'Tis doubt-les This: and this doeth plainly proue-it, That, for the most, most grace-les men doo loue-it, Or rather, doat most on this wither'd Weed, Them Selues as wither'd in all gracious Deed. 'Tis strange to see, (and vnto me, a Wonder) When the prodigious strange Abuse we ponder, Of this vnruly, rustie Vegetal; From moderne Symmists Iesu-Critical,

Page 88

(Carping at Vs, and casting in our Dish, Not Crimes, but Crums: as eating Flesh for Fish:) W'hear in This Case, no Conscience-Cases holier. But, like to like; The Diuell with the Collier.
For, a TOBACCONIST (I dare auer) Is, first of all, a rank Idolater, As any of th' Ignation Hierarchie: Next, as conformed to Their Fopperie, Of burning Day-light, and Good-night at Noone, Setting vp Candles to enlight the Sun: And last, the Kingdome of NEVV-BABYLON Stands in a Darke and Smoakie Region; So full of such varietie of Smoaks, That there-with all all Pietie it choakes.
For, There is, First, the Smoake of Ignorance, The Smoake of Error, Smoake of Arrogance, The Smoake of Merit super-er'gatorie, The Smoak of Pardons Smoaks of PVRGATORIE The Smoake of Censing Smoake of Thurifying Of Images, of Sathan's Furie-flying, The Smoake of Stewes (for Smoaking thence they come, As horrid hot as torrid Sodome, some): Then, Smoake of POVDER-TREASON, Pistols, Kniues, To blow-vp Kingdomes, and blow-out Kings Liues;

Page 89

And lastly, too, TOBACCO's Smoakie-Mists, Which (comming from Iberian BAALISTS) No small addition of Adustion fit Bring to the Smoake of the Vnbottom'd PIT, Yerst opened, first, (as openeth Saint IOHN) By their ABADDON & APOLLYON.
But, sith They are contented to admire What They dislike not, if they not desire (For, with good reason may wee ghesse that They Who swallow Camels, swallow Gnatlings may); Tis ground enough for vs, in this Dispute, Their Vanities, thus obuious, to refute (Their Vanities, mysterious Mists of ROME, Which haue so long be smoaked CHRISTENDOM).
And for the rest, it shall suffice, to say, TOBACCONING is but a Smoakie Play. Strong Arguments against so weake a thing, Were need-less, or vnsuitable, to bring. In this behalfe there needs no more be done, Sith of it Selfe the same will vanish soone: T' euaporate This Smoake, it is enough But with a Breath the same aside to puffe.
NOw, My First Puffe shall but repell th'ill-Sauour Of Place & Persons (of debaucht behauiour)

Page 90

Where 'tis most frequent: Second, shew you will, How little Good it dooth: Third, how great Ill.
'Tis vented most in Tauerns, Tippling-cots, To Ruffians, Roarers, Tipsie-Tostie-Pots; Whose Custome is, betweene the Pipe and Pot, (Th'one Cold and Moist, the other Dry and Hot) To skirmish so (like Sword-and-Dagger-fight) That 'tis not easie to determine right, Which of their weapons hath the Conquest got Ouer their Wits; the Pipe, or else the Pot. Yet, 'tis apparant, and by proofe expresse, Both stab and wound the Braine with Drunkennesse: For, euen the Deriuation of the Name, Seemes to allude and to include the same: TOBACCO, as 〈 in non-Latin alphabet 〉〈 in non-Latin alphabet 〉, one would say; To (Cup-god) BACCHVS dedicated aye.
And, for Conclusion of this Point, obserue, The Places which to these Abuses serue, How-euer, of them Selues, noisome ynough, Are much more loathsom with the stench & stuffe, Extracted from their limbeckt Lips and Nose. So that, the Houses, common Haunts of Those, Are liker Hell then Heau'n: for Hell hath Smoake; Impenitent TOBACCONISTS to choake,

Page 91

Though neuer dead: There shall they haue their Fill: In Heau'n is none, but Light and Glory still.
Next: Multitudes them daily, howrely drowne In this black Sea of Smoak, tost vp and downe In This vast Ocean, of such Latitude, That Europe onely cannot all include, But out it rushes, ouer-runns the Whole, And reaches, wel-nigh round, from Pole to Pole; Among the Moores, Turks, Tartars, Persians, And other Ethnicks (full of Ignorance Of GOD and Good:) and, if wee shall look home, To view (and rew) the State of CHRISTENDOME, Vpon This Point, we may This Riddle bring; The Subiect hath more Subiects than the King. For, Don TOBACCO hath an ampler Raign, Than Don PHILIPPO, the Great King of Spain, (In whose Dominions, for the most, it growes). Nay, shall I say, (O Horror, to suppose!) Heath'nish TOBACCO (almost euery where) In Christendome (CHRISTS out-ward Kingdom here) Hath more Disciples than CHRIST hath (I feare) More Suite, more Seruice (Bodies, Souls, & Good) Than CHRIST, that bought vs with his precious Blood.

Page 92

O Great TOBACCO! Greater than Great Can, Great Turk, Great Tartar, or Great Tamberlan! With Vulturs wings Thou hast (and swifter yet Than an Hungarian Ague, English Sweat) Through all Degrees, flown, far, nigh; vp & down; From Court to Cart; frō Count to Country Clown, Not scorning Scullions, Coblers, Colliers, Iakes-farmers, Fidlers, Ostlers, Oysterers, Rogues, Gypses, Players, Pandars, Punks, and All What common Scums in Common-Sewers fall. For, all, as Vassals, at Thy Beck are bent, And breathe by Thee, as their new Element. Which well may proue Thy Monarchy the Greater, Yet proue not Thee to be a whit the Better; But rather Worse: For Hell's wide-open Road Is easiest found, and by the Most still troad. Which, euen the Heathen had the Light to know By Arguments, as many times they show.
Heer may wee also gather (for a need) Whether TOBACCO be an Herb or Weed: And Whether the excessiue Vse be fit, Or good or bad; by those that fauour it, Weeds, wild and wicked, mostly entertain it: Herbes, holesom Herbes, and holy minds disdain it.

Page 93

If then, TOBACCONING be good: How is't, That lewdest, loosest basest, foolishest, The most vnthrifty, most intemperate, Most vicious, most debauscht, most desperate, Pursue it most: The Wisest and the Best Abhor it, shun it flie it, as the Pest, Or piercing Poyson of a Dragons Whisk, Or deadly Eye-shot of a Basilisk?
If Wisedome baulk it, must it not be Folly? If Vertue hate it, is it not vnholy? If Men of Worth, and Minds right generous Discard it, scorne it: is't not scandalous? And (to conclude) is it not, to the Diuell Most pleasing; pleasing so (most) the most Euill.
MY second Puffe, is Proof How little Good This Smoak hath done (that euer heare I cou'd) For, first, there's none that takes TOBACCO most, Most vsually, most earnestly, can boast That the excessiue and continuall vse Of This dry Suck-at euer did produce Him any Good, Ciuill, or Naturall, Or Morall Good, or Artificiall: Vnlesse perhaps they will alleadge it, drawes Away the Ill which still it Selfe doth cause.

Page 94

Which Course (me thinks) I cannot liken better, Then to an Vsurer's Kindnesse to his Debter; Who, vnder Shew of Lending, stil substracts The Debters Owne, and then His owne exacts; Til at the last he vtterly confound-him, Or leaue him Worse & Weaker then he found-him.
Next, if the Custome of TOBACCONING Yeeld th'Vsers any Good, in any thing; Either they haue it, or they hope it prest: (By proofe and practice, taking stil the best) For, none but Fooles wil thē to Ought be slaue, Whence Benefit they neither hope, nor haue:
Therfore, yet farther (as a Questionist) I must inquire of my TOBACCONIST, Why, if a Christian (as some, sometimes seeme) Belieuing GOD, waiting all Good from Him, And vnto Him all Good again referring; Why (to eschew th'Vngodly's Grace-les erring) Why pray they not? Why praise they not His Name For hoped Good, & Good had by this Same? As all men doo, or ought to doo, for All The Gifts & Goods that from His GOODNES fall. Is't not, because they neither hope, nor haue, Good (Hence) to thank GOD for, nor farther craue:

Page 95

But, as they had it from the Heathen, first; So Heath'nishly they vse it still, accurst: And (as some iest of Oysters) This is more Vngodly Meat, both After and Before.
Lastly, if all Delights of all Mankind Be Vanitie, Vexation of the Mind; All vnder Sunne: Must not TOBACCO be, Of Vanities, the vainest Vanitie? If Salomon, the Wisest earthly Prince, That euer was before, or hath bin since; Knowing All Plants, and them perusing All, From Cedar to the Hyssop on the Wal; In none of all professeth, that he found A firme Content, or Consolation sound: Can We suppose that any Shallowling Can find much Good in oft-TOBACCONING?
MY Third & last Puffe, points at the Great Euil This noisom Vapor works (through wily diuel). If we may iudge; if Knowledge may be had By their Effects, how things be good or bad; Doubt-les, th'Effects of This pernitious Weed Be many bad, scarce any good, indeed: Nor dooth a Man scarce any Good contain, But of This Euill iustly may complain;

Page 96

As thereby, made in euery Part the Worse, In Body, Soule, in Credit, and in Purse.
FOr, first of all, it falls on his Good-name; And so be-smears, and so be smoaks the same, That neuer after scarce discerned is't. Rare good Report of a TOBACCONIST: Where, if to take it, were a vertuous thing, 'Twould to the Taker's Commendation bring; And somwhat grace them (thogh they els were bad) Or hide, a little, the Defects they had: But, from their Credit rather it abates, And their Disgraces rather aggravates: And how-much better that they were before, It stinks the worse, & stains their Name the more.
For, if a Swearer, or a Swaggerer, A Drunkard, Dicer, or Adulterer, Proue a TOBACCONIST, it is not much: Tis sutable, 'tis well-beseeming Such; (No lesse than flaring, garish, whorish Tire, Which now-adayes most Mad-dames most desire: Owle-fac't Chaprones, Cheeks painted, Izland Tresse, Bum Bosse-about, with broad deep-naked Brests; Borrowed & brought from loose Venetians, Becomes Pickt-hatch & Shorditch Courtizans).

Page 97

Not that TOBACCONING is not amisse: But that the bright Noon of their better Vice, Spred farr & wide, doth darken and put downe TOBACCO-taking, and it's Twilight drowne.
But, let it be of any truely sayd, Hee's great, religious, learned, wise, or stayd; But, hee is lately turn'd TOBACCONIST: O! what a Blurr! What an Abatement is't! 'Tis like a handfull fom Augaeus Stable, Cast in the Face of Beawties fairest Table. Whence it appeares, This too-too to frequent, It is not good; no, not indifferent.
It best becomes a Stage, or else a Stewes, Or Dicing-house, where All Disorders vse. It ill beseems a Church, Colledge, or Court, Or any Place of any Ciuill sort: It fits Blasphemers, Ruffians, Atheists, Damn'd Libertines, to be TOBACCONISTS: Not Magistrates, not Ministers, not Schollers (Who are, or should be Sinnes seuere Comptrollers) Nor any wise and sober personage, Of Grauitie, of Honestie, of Age.
It were the fittest Furniture (that may) For Diuell, in a Picture, or a Play,

Page 98

To represent him with a fierie Face, His Mouth & Nostrils puffing Smoak apace, With staring Eyes, and in his griezly Gripe, An ouer-grown, great, long TOBACCO-Pipe. Which sure (me thinks) the most TOBACCONIST Must needs approue, and euen applaud the Iest: But much more Christians hence obserue, how euill It them becomes, that so becomes the Deuill. And therfore, think This Weed, a Drugge for Iewes More fit by far, [who did so foule abuse (Base rheumy Rascals) with their Spawlings base Our louing SAVIOVRS louely-reuerend Face, Whom (wilful-blind, stiffe-necked, stupifi'd) They spet on, scorned, scourged, Crucifi'd] Than for vs Christians, who His Name adore, Whom by His Death he doth to Life restore.
If, notwithstanding All that hath bin said, TOBACCONISTS will still hold on their Trade, And by their Practice still hold vp their Name, Though Iewes, though Diuels, better suite the same; I'le say no more but only This, of This: Henceforth, let none whose meaner Lot it is To liue in Smoak; Lime-burners, Alchymists, Brick-makers, Brewers, Colliers, Kitchenists;

Page 99

Let Salamanders, Swallowes, Bacon-stitches, Red-Sprats, red-Herings, and like Chimnie-wretches, Think no Disparagement, nor hold them base: TOBACCONISTS their Companie will grace, And teach them make a Vertue of Necessitie, Turning their Smoake into a grace-fool-Assitie.
NExt the Good-Name, now let The Bodie showe What Wrongs to it from out TOBACCO flow: For, as That is Man's baser Part, indeed, It is most basely handled by This Weed.
And First (as was significantlie said Before our Soueraigne, by an Oxford Head) TOBACCO, Smoak into the Parlour putts, And basest Office in the best Roome shuts, While to the Head it doth exhale and hoist The Bodies filthie and superfluous Moist; Causing a moist Brain, by vnceast Supply Of Rheumes still drawne to th'Bodies Stillarie: Which in experience, and in reason, make Men most vnapt Deep thing to vndertake. For, for the most part, shallow are the Wits, Conceipts, and Counsaills of TOBACCONITS. Sith Wisedome dwells in Drye: Her proper Seat Is a drye Brain, embatteld well with Heat.

Page 100

Also, it fries and dries away the Blood (As did that Persian the Euphratean Flood, To conquer Babylon) by whose incrassion, The Vitall Spirits, in an vnwonted fashion Are bay'd, and barred of their Passage due Through all the veines, their vigour to renew: So that the Humors (as all out of frame) Tending to putrefie and to inflame, Fire the whole House; from whence there followes euer A dangerous, if not a deadly Feuer.
Lastly, this boyling, broyling, of the Blood, Breeds much adusted Melancholy-Mood (Sathan's fit Saddle, from their sullen Cell, To ride, in post, his wretched Slaues to Hell, With Two keen Spurres (too-quick in their Effect) Th' one of Excesse, the other of Defect; A violent Passion, pushing Reason back, Or fell Despaire, when Conscience is awake.) For, as of all Insensibles, hath none More Melancholie and Adustion, Then Chimnies haue; What kind of Chimny is't, Lesse Sensible then a TOBACCONIST? And in receiuing Smoake, fith th' are so equall; Can their adustion then be much vnequall?

Page 101

Thus then the Habit of TOBACCONING, Makes one more Chimny-like then any thing.
Some also think it causeth exsiccation (As of the Blood) of Seed of generation; By th' acrimonie stirring more to couet, Then fruitfully producing Issue of it: Whence, we may learne to maruell so much lesse, That (for the most) our Gentles, that professe TOBACCONISME, loue Lemman-Sauce so well; Or that such Legions of the Base pel-mel, Vnder the Standard of TOBACCO, vse To Turn-bull first, then to Our Bartholmewes.
And where there haue been many great Inquests To find the Cause Why Bodies still grow lesse, And daily neerer to the Pigmies Size This, among many Probabilities May passe for one: that their Progenitours Did gladly foment their Interiours With holesome Food, vnmired, moderate, And timely Liquors duely temperate: But, now-adaies, Their Issue inly choake And dry them vp (like Herrings) with This Smoakes For, Herrings, in the Sea, are large and full, But shrink in bloating and together pull:

Page 102

Whence, in effect, Smoak vnto Smoak referring, TOBACCONISTS are not vnlike Red Herring.
Vndoubtedly, beyond all Moderation It dries the Bodie, robs of irrigation The thirstie parts; so that the bowels cry For Moist and Cold, to temper Hot and Dry: Whence, th'Elementall Qualities of Theirs, In Faction, fall together by the Eares. For, in the Hearb excesse of Dry and Hot, Drawes-in excesse of Cold-Moist from the Pot; For which they troup to th' Ale-house shortly after, As rats-ban'd Rats doe hie them to the Water. And yet, their liquid Cooler cures them not, No more then Water doth the baned Rat: For th' Heat and Drought of th' Herb American Being intensiue (fitter call'd Man-Bane) The one dries-vp the Humour Radicall, The other drownes the Calor Naturall.
But the most certaine and apparant Ill Is an Ill Habit which doth hant them still; Transforming Nature from her natiue Mould: For, Custome we another Nature hold. And This vile Custome is so violent, And holds his Customers at such a Bent,

Page 103

That thogh therby more Hurt then Good they doubt, To die for it, they cannot liue without. Which doubtless, is a miserable State: For, Men are surely the more Fortunate, Of fewer Creatures that they stand in need: More, but more Bondage, and less freedome breed. A House that must haue many Props and Stayes Is neerer Fall, and faster it decayes: Variety and Surfeit feed the Spittle, And fill the Graue. Nature's content with little.
Why then should Man, liuing and rationall, Beslaue himselfe to a dead Vegetall? Why, demi-heauenly, and most free by Birth, Should he be bound vnto this Childe of Earth? Why, Lord of Creatures, should He serue: at least, Why such a Creature, baser then a beast?
OF: had I seen Fooles of all sorts frequent it, Fooles of all Size, Fooles of all Sexes hant it, Fooles of all Colours, Fooles of all Complexions, Fooles of all Fashions, Fooles of all Affections, Fooles naturall, Fooles artificiall, Fooles rich and poore, young Fooles, old Fooles, & all; Whom, Foole I pitied, for their wilfull Folly; Supposing, None discreetly Wise (or Holy)

Page 104

Could be entangled with so fond a thing, As is the habit of TOBACCONING. For, what Discretion, or what Wisdome can, Think Physicke Food, or Med'cine Meat, for Man?
I rather thought Vlysses rather would Haue stopt his Eares, Eyes, Hands & Mouth with-hold From such a Cyrcean Drug, whose working strange, Would soon his best into a Beast exchange. But when I saw some Wise-ones snared in This Spanish Cobweb (Sathans speciall Gin) And that so fast, they cannot when they would Get out againe; or will not if they could: Wisedome, me thought, must varie much; or else This Ware is spiced with some Foraine Spels, So to bewitch the Wise (need-less, and nilling) To take and loue; and not to leaue it, willing. For, those that say and sweare they euen abhorre it, Cannot abandon, but Thus bandie for it:
Tis good (say They) Tis speciall good for Rheumes; Exhales grosse Humors, their Excesse consumes; And voids with-all, all Inconuenience There-on depending, or descending Thence. Which should I grant, it must be yet with Clauses Of needfull Caution, suitable to Causes;

Page 105

When time requireth Preparation fit To rarifie congealed Rags of it; Which by the Heat and Drynesse probably, This Plant performes, in mediocritie: Or else, where the aboundant Quantity, Dangerous Effect, malignant Quality, Of ouer-moistures, aske Euacuation, To free the Parts from totall Inundation.
How-be-it, many safer Meanes there are. Better and fitter in themselues by farre; More certaine, more direct; with lesse adoo, Lesse Cost, lesse Damage, and lesse Danger too Than Don TOBACCO's damnable Infection. Slutting the Body, slauing the Affection.
Twere therefore better somewhat else to seek Then rest in this, so worthie of Dis-like; Sith, curing Thus one small Infirmity, It doth create a greater Malady, When there-by freed (perhaps) from Rheumes e fall In Bondage of this Custome capitall. For, they that Physicke to a Custome bring, Bring their Disease too, to accustoming. Perpetuall Physicke must of force imply Perpetuall Sicknesse: or deep Foolerie

Page 106

Compos'd of Anticke and of Phrantick too: For where's no Sickness, what should Med'eine doo?
THus for the Bodie: Now the Soule diuine With This wilde Goose-Grasse of the Perusine Hath Foure great Quarels, in foure-fold respect Of her Foure Faculties; the Intellect, The Memory, the Will, the Conscience; All which are wronged, if not wounded, Thence.
First, in the Intellect, it d'outs the Light, Darkens the House, dims th' vnderstandings Sight; Through neuer-ceast succession of Humiditie, The Dam of dulnesse, Mother of Stupiditie; Making Mans generous Brain (best, dry and hot) Lie drown'd, and driueling like a Changeling Sot. Why then should Man, to put out Reason's Eye, Suffer his Soule in Smoakie Lodge to lye? For, though some others, and my Selfe by proofe (When scornefully I tooke it but in Snuffe) Haue th••••eby sometimes found some benefit; Superfluous Humors from the Brain to quit, To cleer the Voyce, and cheer the Phantasie, Which, for the present, it did seem supply: Yet doth the Custome (as we likewise finde) Dis-nerue the Bodie, and dis-apt the Minde.

Page 107

Next; It decayes and mars the Memorie, And brings it to strange Imbecillitie, By still attraction of continuall Moist, Which from the lower parts it wonts to hoist: For, though best Memorie dwel in a Brain Moist-moderate; Yet ouer-moist, againe Makes it so laxe, so diffluent and thin, That nothing can be firmely fixt there-in; But instantly it slides and slips-away, As weary heeles on wet and slippery Clay. For Proofe whereof: None more forgetfull is Of GOD and Good, than are Tobacconists.
Touching th' Affections, they are tir'd no lesse By This fell Tyrants insolent Excesse: For, the Adustion of th'inherent Heat, Drought, Acrimonie (Tartar-like) doth fret; Makes men more soudain and more heed-less heady, More sullen-sowr, more stubbornely-vnsteady, More apt to wrath, to wrangle, and to braule; To giue and take a Great Offence, for Small; Cause-less Reioycing, and as cause-less Sorry, Exceeding-Mournefull, and excessiue-Merry: Whence growes, in fine, excessiue Griefe & Fear; For Dumpier none than the Tobacconer:

Page 108

None sadder than the gladdest of their Host; None hating more than hee that loued most; None fearing more, none danted more than such As, in a Passion, rather dar'd too-much. For, Relatiues inseparable dwell: And Contraries their Contraries expell. And (with th'old Poet) Tis the Cox-combs Course Flying a Fault to fall into a Worse.
But if they say, that sometimes, taking it, The Minde is freed from some instant Fit Of Anger, Griefe, or Feare; Experience tells It is but like some of our Tooth-ake Spells, Which for the present seem to ease the Pain, But after, double it with more Rage again, Because a little, for the time, it drawes, But leaues behinde the very Root and Cause.
Lastly, the Conscience (as it is the best) This Indian Weed doth most of all molest; Loading it daily with such Weight of Sin, Where-of the least shall at the last come-in To strict Account: the Losse of precious houres, Neglect of GOD, of Good, of Vs, of Ours: Our ill Example, prodigall Excesse, Vain Words, vain Oathes, Dice, Daring, Drunkennes,

Page 109

Sloath, iesting, scoffing, turning Night to Day, And Day to Night; Disorder, Disaray; Places of Scorne and publicke Scandall hanting; Persons of base and beastly Life frequenting, Theeues, Vnthrifts, Rustians, Robbers, Roarers, Drabbers, Bibbers, Blasphemers, Shiftters Sharkers Stabbers: This is the Rendez-vous, These are the Lists, Where do encounter Most TOBACCONISTS: Wherein they walk, like a blind Mill-horse, round In the same Circle, on the selfe same ground; Forgetting how, Dayes, Months, and Yeeres do passe; No more regarding, than an Oxe or Asse, How Age growes on, How Death attendeth them, GOD knowes how neer: (Whom on each side behem A late Repentance, or a flat Despaire) And after That, a noysome stinking Aire Of their infamous rotten Memory With Men on Earth; in Heauen with GOD on hie A Fearefull Doom: and finally in Hell, Infinitie of Fierie Torments fell.
The Last and least of all TOBACCO harms Is to the Purse: which yet it so becharmes, That Iuggler-like it iests-out all the Pelfe, And makes a Man a Pick-purse to himselfe.

Page 110

For, as by This th' Iberian Argonauts May be suppos'd (euen among serious Thoughts) T'haue kill' more Men than by their Martyrdome Or Massacre (which yet to Millions come) So, by the Same they haue vndone more Men, Than Vsurie (which takes from Hundred, Ten) And no-where more than in This witched Isle: Woe to their Fraudes, Woe to vs Fooles, the-while.
HOw-many Gentles, not of Meanest Sort (Whose Fathers liu'd in honourable Port, For Table, Stable, and Attendance fit; Louing their Countrie, and belou'd of it) Leauing their Neighbours, fly from their Approach, And, for the most keep House in a Caroach (Hells new found Cradles! where are rockt asleep Mischiefes that make our Common-weale to weep.) Or in some Play-house, or some Ordinarie, Or in some Peece of some Vn-Sanctuarie; Where, throgh their Pipe-puft Nose more Smoak they waue, Than all the Chimneis their great Howses haue; Consuming more in their Obscure-Obscoenitie, On Smoake and Smock, with their appendent Vanity, Than their braue Elders did, when they maintaind Honour at home, and forraine Glory gaind.

Page 111

How doe they rack & wrack, & grate, & grinde, Shuffle and cut, wrangle, and turne, and winde, Borrow and begge (vnder a Courtly Cloake) And all too-little for This liquorish Smoake!
Alas the while! that men Thus needs will be Begger'd, vndone (of no Necessitie) In Bodie, Mind, and Means; vnapt, vnable For any Good, through This so need-less Bable.
For, What a Folly, through the Nose to puffe Th'whole Bodie's Portion, in This idle stuffe! Or, what need any with TOBACCO, more Now meddle, than his Ancestors before? Who knew it not, but had, without it, Health, Liu'd long and lusty, in abundant Wealth. Or, what is any, when he all hath spent, The better for This deer Experiment? Which now-adaies a number daily finde Like Alchymie (though in another Kinde) To circulate, and calcinate (at length) Insensibly (TOBACCO hath such Srength) Manours, Demains, Goods, Cattell, Elme, & Oake, Gold, Siluer, All; to Ashes and to Smoake, While all too-busie blowing at the Coale, Deiect their Body, and neglect their Soule.

Page 112

For, O! What place is left to Christianitie, Mongst such a Crew (nay; almost to Humanitie) Where Oathes, Puf-snuffing, Spausing-Excrement, Are reall Parts of GENTLES Complement?
And, for our Vulgar, by whose bold Abuse, TOBACCONING hath got so generall Vse; How mightily haue They since multipli'd Tauerns, Tap-houses! where, on euery side, Most sinfully hath Mault been sunken heer, In nappie Ale, and double-double Beer? Inuincible, in a Threefold Excesse; Strong Drink, strong Drinking, & strange Drunkenness. Which on the Land hath brought, so visibly, So great a Mischiefe, so past Remedie, That Thousands daiely into Beggery sinke Through Idlenesse; in wilfull Debt for Drinke. Nor can the Lawe's seuerest Curb keep-in This coltish, common, priuiledged Sin.
Then (shallow Reptile, superficiall Gnat) Why doe I humme? why doe I hisse there-at?
BVt, awfull Iustice will with keener Edge Clip short (I hope) this sawcie Priuiledge; And at one Blowe cut-off this Ouer-Drinking, And euer Dropsie of TOBACCO-stinking:

Page 113

When Our ALCIDES (though at Peace with Men, At Warre with Vices) as His armed Pen [Among the LABOVRS of his Royall hand, Where Piety and Prudence (ioyntly) stand Eternall PILLERS to His glorious Name; Vnto all Times to testifie the same, BRITANN'S right Beau-Clerk, both for Word and Writ: For Knowledge, Iudgement, Method, Memory: The Miracle, The ORACLE of Wit: Diuine and Morall ENCYCLOPAEDIE] Hath, as with Arrowes, from His sacred Sides, All-ready chac't These stinking Symphalides; Shall, with the Trident of some sharpe Edict, Seuere enacted, executed strict, Clense all the Staules of This Augaean Dung, Which hath so long corrupted Old and Young: Or, at the least, impose so deep a Taxe On All these Ball, Leafe, Cane, & Pudding Packs; On Seller, or on Buyer, or on Both, That from Hencefoorth the Commons shalbe loth (Vnwilling-Wise) with that graue Greeke, to buy Smoak and Repentance at a Price so hie.
If, notwithstanding, Yet some Wealthy will Needs poyson, and vndoo them with it, still;

Page 114

It shall be onely some of Those prophane Loose Prodigals (their Countries Blot and Bane) Best to be spar'd, least to be mist; whose Lands (If anie left) will come to Wiser hands Than such weak Ninnies, needing Wardship yet; Not for their want of Age, but want of Wit.
Avidius Cassius (as Lampridius showes) Did first inuent, and first of all impose That vncouth Manner of tormenting Folk, On a high Beame to smoother them with Smoak: Where, had TOBACCO bin then known, he need But haue enioyn'd them to haue tane that Weed.
But, with more Reason and more Equitie, Seuerus Caesar, when he did discry The double-dealing of Vetronius [A Cousening Courtier (Such are none with Vs) A Iack-of both-sides, with both hands to play (As now-adayes some Lawyers doo, they say) Faining great Fauour with his Soueraign, To take great Bribes of Many, to obtain Great Suits; for whom his Prince he neuer mou'd] Aloud complain'd of, and apparant prou'd; Caus'd his false Minion with this Doom to choak, Let the Smoak-seller suffocate with Smoak:

Page 115

Which, our Smoak Merchants would no lesse befit; TOBACCO-Mongers, Bringers-in of it: Which yeerly costs (they say, by Audit found) Of better Wares an hundred Thousand pound.
And, if the Sentence of this Heathen Prince, On That Impostor, for his Impudence, Were iust: How iuster will the Heau'nly GOD, Th' Eternal, punish with infernall Rod, In Hell's darke (Fornace, with black Fumes, to choak) Those, that on Earth will still offend in Smoak? Offend their Friends, with a Most vn Respect: Offend their Wiues and Children with Neglect: Offend the Eyes, with foule and loathsom Spawlings: Offend the Nose, with filthy Fumes exhalings: Offend the Eares, with lowd lewd Execrations: Offend the Mouth, with ougly Excreations: Offend the Sense, with stupefying Sense: Offend the Weake, to follow then Offense: Offend the Body, and offend the Minde: Offend the Conscience in a fearefull kinde: Offend their Baptisme, and their Second Birth: Offend the Maiestie of Heau'n and Earth.
Woe to the World because of Such Offenses: So voluntaire, so voyd of all pretenses

Page 116

Of all Excuse (saue Fashion, Custome, Will) In so apparant, proued, granted, Ill. Woe, woe to them by Whom Offences come, So scandalous to All our CHRISTENDOME.

Page [unnumbered]


Do you have questions about this content? Need to report a problem? Please contact us.