THE Sixteenth Real Comfort OF Matrimony,

BUt forsooth, a man has a fine Estate, and a fine Wife, and a fine Portion; and this Wife has a fine wit, fine conditions, and fine caresses,—but—the Devil's i'these Buts.—they come in so confoundedly at the but-end of a commendation, that they spoil all.—For this fine Woman is so addicted to Lantraloo, and Back-gammon, that she makes a perfect Speirings Ordinary of her House. No sooner is the cloath taken a∣way, but another clean cloath must be spread; and then out come the Cards or the Tables; and there she sits from after dinner, till one, two, three, four a clock i'the morning, day after day, night after night, consuming and wasting her fine Por∣tion, till she begins to prey upon the main stock. And this is a parlous grievance, a Page  108comfort of Matrimony in the name of Sa∣tan. All this while the men don't consi∣der what a happiness they have in enjoy∣ing such a wife. One cries, I think my wife will play away her A—, and what of that? Then there's the thing gone, which is many times the cause of all his fears, jea∣lousies and disturbances. How many men are there, that curse their wives tayls? which if the women have a faculty to play away, there's a fair riddance of the mens discontent. But I must tell ye, the fear of a Wives playing away her tayl, is an idle thing. 'Tis true, she may be for∣ced to stake it sometimes; but then, though she should fortune to loose, yet she wins by the bargain. But on the t'other side, how many men are there, that will loose their own Arses, and let a woman drain their Pockets as dry as a clean-swept East-India ship, for the favour of a little smug∣ling, or the commodiousness of access to their snowie white breasts? And then a∣gain, a man does not consider, that a Wo∣man addicted to gaming, minds no other pleasure; she sits squeezing her things and her buttocks, and will hardly stir from her chair to piss, much less to mind any other Fegaries. A man may conclude his wife Page  109safe, when she is once got to her Cards. And it is a happiness that one game spoyls another. The Lydians were a notable people, and these notable people the Ly∣dians were the first that invented Cards and Dice. And the reason was, to keep their wives from other sports, which they thought more to their prejudice. For af∣ter Candaules the King of the Country had put the Lydian Women agog, by shewing his wife stark naked to his friend Gyges, they were all mad, and bawl'd at their Hus∣bands that they might be shewn naked too; every one believing her self to be as hand∣some as the Queen. Ay.—quoth the men, we'll find ye other divertisement; and so setting 'em to Cards and Dice, lay'd their animosities presently asleep. The love of gaming, where it once gets the victory, has such an attractive force, that there is no charm of power sufficient to controul it. It keeps women even from Play-Houses, the Nurseries of Hoity toyty Imaginations; it keeps 'em from Lectures, and polluting the Church with unsanctify'd thoughts. Nay, the very consolation of having Tib and Tom in her hand, shall cause her to contemn the disappointment of the most solemnly-engaged assignation that ever wo∣man Page  110made; while the impatient lover makes many a weary step in the Temple∣rounds, vainly expecting her that is as fast at buying stocks, as the Knights of Je∣rusalem i'their Graves.

On the other side, if the wife be so hap∣py as to make Fortune her friend, and some are so beholding to the slippery Jade, that you would swear she went snips, then it rains Guineys in that house. The pot boyls upon the score of Lantraloo-luck; Teal, Widgeons and fat Capons are the Trophies of victorious Gleek; the Tri∣umphs of Back-gammon excuse the char∣ges of the Fring'd Petticoat; and many times the man too has his share in the ta∣king present of a Point-Cravat.

Many are the blessings that attend the owner of a she-Gamester. She is always quiet, never out of humour. She is always patient, always contented; never lowres, never scolds, never pouts; for her heart rides at anchor in the Serene harbour of in∣ward ease and joy.

Is she at play? never disturb her—she's then moving in the proper Sphere of her own delight. The Dolphin that had such a love for a Child, that he came every mor∣ning to the shoar, and carried him over an Page  111arm of the Sea to School with his break∣fast in his hand, could never have been so serviceable to the Lad, had he been taken out of his own Element. When a Woman is peaceable and quiet, and well, 'tis a mad∣ness to disturb her. Wasps never sting, but when they are unwarily provok'd. A game can never be well manag'd with∣out prudence, foresight, circumspection, and policy. Seeing then that a Woman who is a good Gamester cannot be without all these good Qualities, it is a certain sign, that he who has a good Gamester to his wife, has a Woman so qualifi'd. And who can think it a discomfort to him to have a woman polish'd with so many rare en∣dowments? By playing the King, they learn to govern, by playing the Queen, they learn to obey; by playing Tib and Tom, they understand the inconveniency of putting too much power into the hands of Ser∣vants. And stories furnish us with seve∣ral examples of great Generals that have practis'd the Game at Chesse, meerly to in∣struct themselves in the Art of War, in Stratagem and Surprize, and the methods of Embattelling, and encountring the E∣nemy. But suppose she looses all she plays for. Then she cannot be thought to have Page  112all these good qualities before mention'd. What then? yet she is still bidding fairly for 'um, still upon the purchase of 'um; so that if she miss of her aim, 'tis the unkind∣ness of Fortune, not her fault. And bought wit is always said to be the best.

And now how would you have 'um spend their time? you'd have 'um spin I warrant—Yes—and sit wetting their thumbs, till they grow as lean with exhau∣sting their radical moisture, as one of the three fatal Sisters. A fine posture indeed! to sit all day long as if they were twisting the thread of their Husbands life.

You'd have her mind the Brat i'the Cra∣dle; as if it were not far more noble and gentile to turn up a good jolly Trump, than a bawling Bastards shitten, stinking tail.

Nor is the loss so great neither, for what a woman loses in gaming, she saves in hous-hould-expences; in Coaches, Spring-Gar∣dens, and Plays; in Balls and night-Ram∣bles; so that none may be better term'd a Houswife than she, as being always at home, receiving visits, seldom making any: for where the Carkass is, there the Eagles ga∣ther together. A man is not crucifi'd with the tormenting thoughts, where or with Page  113whom his wife should be at this or that unseasonable time of the Night. A ter∣rible affliction to those that continually dream of cornuting.

Suppose she lose her Cloaths from her back. Then her Husband is sure to find her a bed, till she get a recruit.

No question but it is a great vexation to a Woman to lose, and a great toyl to be always labouring for a dead Horse. How∣ever, it is much more convenient that she should fret her self, than vex her Hus∣band.

The Parson that lov'd gaming better than his eyes, made a good use of it, when he put up his Cards in his Gown-sleeve for haste, when the Clerk came and told him the last Stave was a singing. 'Tis true, that in the height of his reproving the Parish for their neglect of holy Duties, upon the throwing out of his zealous arm, his Cards dropt out of his sleeve, and flew about the Church. What then? He bid one boy take up a Card, and ask'd him what it was—the boy answerered, the King of Clubs. Then he bid another boy take up another Card. What was that? the Knave of Spaedes. Well, quo he, now tell me who made ye? The boy could not well Page  114tell. Quo he to the next, Who redeem'd ye? That was a harder question. Look ye, quo the Parson, you think this was an Accident, and laugh at it; but I did it on purpose to shew ye, that had ye taught your children their Catechism as well as to know their Cards, they would have been better provided to answer the mate∣rial Questions which I put to them.

And thus men may profit by their wives gaming; and raise many wholsome Instructions to themselves from their lo∣sings. As first, if they knew as well what belong'd to Cuckolding their Husbands as they did to play at Cards, they would ne∣ver prefer the misfortune of losing their money, before the pleasure of gaming with a friend in a corner. Secondly, that it was better for their wives to sit losing their Mo∣ney at home, than their Reputation a∣broad. And thirdly, it ought to be a great satisfaction to 'um to see which way their money goes. For that's the great Plague to a Man, when he finds his Money run away like Quick-silver, but knows not which way the Devil it goes. But she that games away her money, frees him from that tribulation of beating his Brains with an impossible enquiry. And I must Page  115tell ye, a man had better that his Wife should game away twenty, than sport a∣way five pound.

But, Gentlemen, confider how you shake your elbows your selves, how you make the dead mens Bones rattle; you never consider how you fret, and tear and swear, and swagger and storm, and dam and sink, and curse and bite the Dice, and gnaw the Boxes. And then at length when the De∣vil deserts him at the last throw, then to see rage and despair ding the poor inno∣cent Box against the floor, as if he design'd it through the cleft Earth at Lucifers own head, these are extravagancies never thought of. What a sad and miserable surprize it is to be taken by a Creditor with a Ser∣jeant at his Heels, in the height of Securi∣ty, at hei a Main, have at all, while the poor wife and bearn at home live only upon trust with the Milk-woman!

What a pretty kind of Emulation it was between two young Sparks coming losers out of a Gaming-Ordinary! Quo the one, complaining to his Friend—G—dam me—I ha' lost forty Guineys—G—dam you—Quo the t'other—G—dam me—I ha' lost above fourscore—Don't you think now, his friend was to blame if he contested with him for priority?

What a pleasant comfort of Matrimony it would be to a Wife, to see her Husband undrest by the Dice, as if he were to go to bed to his Misfortune! The white Bea∣ver leads the Van, then follows the Per∣riwig, next in order the Cravat, then the Ruffles and Buttons thereto belonging. The Coat cannot forsake his Brethren; and the Breeches hone after the Coat, as being of the same Cloath. And what now? There stands stript Peel-garlick having nothing but his Shirt and his fiery Passion to keep him warm: onely there is this small com∣fort left him, that he cannot play away Title of Squire; that sticks to him as long as the least scrap of his Fathers Thrift re∣mains. For it comes to that at length, that all must go, even the Wives Joynture and all. So the willing Soul at length, o∣vercome with endearment and Caresses, is carried like a Lamb to the slaughter to Serjeants-Inn, where after she has given a willing answer to the whispering Judge, she may then go hang her self in her own Garters. For this is the Finalis Concordia between the Gentle-man-Squire and his Patrimony. Therefore take him—Kings-Bench, to the ruine of Wife, Children, and Posterity, that cries my Grandfather was Page  117a man of Five hundred a year if he could have kept it. Compare now the little Losings of a wife, and the Patrimony-ha∣vocks and extirpations root and branch of their Estates which men make by the leudest, wickedest, and most impious me∣thods in the world; and see who has most reason to complain of Matrimony.