News from Hell: or, The devils court in an uproar. His devilships falling sick, upon the news of the pope and poperies likely downfal. His last will and testament. His legacies to the pope and jesuits; and to other sinners in particular. Written by S.V.
S. V.
Page  [unnumbered]

NEWS FROM HELL: OR, THE Devils Court IN AN UPROAR.

HIS DEVILSHIPS falling Sick, upon the News of the Pope and Poperies likely Downfal.

HIS Last WILL and TESTAMENT.

HIS LEGACIES to the POPE and JESUITS; AND To other SINNERS in particular.

WRITTEN by S. V.

LONDON, Printed for R. G. MDCLXXIII.

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NEWS FROM HELL: OR, The Devils Court in an Uproar.

THe Devil upon his late Conference with, and the courte∣ous Entertainment, and fair Promises he received from his Hliness the Pope, they having joyntly considered and taken care for the good of Souls; that is, how he may have whole shoales come in amain; which he is certain to have, if that they will but embrace his Holinesses Doctrines, and put in practice his most Immaculate Commands; as in Murthering Hereticks, Deposing of Princes, Blowing up of Parliaments, and such like: his Devilship, I say, has been carousing it amongst his dmnable Associates, and kept open House for all that came; which I verily believe few have done besides a Jesuit or two. But on a sudden he heard an Eccho crying, Honesty begins to get ground, Popery like to be wholly supprest, and Virtue like to be embraced: At which the Grand Sophy of the Satanical Synagogue belched out a groan, the rebound of which left all the Stygian Hell-hounds in a most clamorous howling; they presently run all about their Fa∣ther of mischief, to know what qualm came over his stomach. H darting an eye upon them able to confound a thousand Conjurers in their own Circles, (though with a wet finger they could fetch up a little Devil) mumbling out, Hell is undone. Why? yelped all the rest. An Armado (quoth he) cannot save us. Our Legions in the World next above are overthrown; all those Battalions that warred under the Colours of our red and fiery Dragon, are de∣bauched: * suffer this brack in our Acherontick Territories, and hotter assassinations will every day pell-mell maul us. All about him cryed, They would never endure it.

Whilest this indigested mischief lay broiling on their stomachs, room was made for an Intelligencer. The Devil gnashed his * teeth, and asked, If the news were currant? It was answered, Yes.

Hey (cryes the Messenger) to unclasp a Book of my memoran∣dum;Page  3 Let me be hung in Chains of Ice, (as you are in Fire, if I lye) and be bound to eat Flakes in the frozen Zone for a thousand years, if the Globe of the Terrestrial World be not new moulded; the Ball of it hath none of the old stuffing: Catholicks turn Here∣ticks, Jesuits burn their Books and Beads; Bellarmine's Doctrines, which by your assistance have got ground, are now confuted; Tran∣substantiation turned out of doors. Not an Inch of Knavery in a short time will be had for Love nor Money. If you would give a Million of Gold, you shall not have a Courtier ere long in Debt; if you would bestow a thousand Pounds worth of Tobacco on a Souldier to swear a Garrison-Oath, he would die ere he will do it. All Rich Men besides begin to be Liberal, Poor Men not Contentious, Beggars not Drunk, Lawyers not Covetous, rich Heirs not riotous, Citizens not envious, Clowns most religious. No more, cryed the Tartarian Tramagrant. The other stop'd in his careere; and it was time: for this last Cannon shot through both his Broad-sides; the fall of this Mill-stone had almost burst his Heart; he sighed nothing but flashes of Fire; spit nothing but flakes of Brimstone; wept nothing but scoops full of Scalding water: for now he saw the dilaceration of his own Luciferan Kingdom, and the Exaltation of his Enemies. Out of his presence he com∣manded all; they break their Necks for haste. He bawled for Mu∣sick; ten thousand Soul were presently set a yelling. He took no pleasure in it▪ he felt himself damnably heart-burnt; pangs worse than the torures of everlasting Death fell upon him, and no hope of his recovery; which made an unexpressible howling in Hell.

No amendment being in him, he called for Physicians; but not one would come near him, they knew his payment too well: for Apothecaries they were subtle enough, and cared not for his cu∣stom. He then roared out for a cunning Scrivener to make his Will: one was at his elbow presently, him he hugged in his arms, and cryed out, Welcome my Son, thou shalt for ever bind me unto thee. Sir Satrapas Sathan then goes on, and tells him, He is faln into a low and miserable estate, his case is desperate; and therefore being utterly given over, he sends for him to make his last Will and Testament: and so Seignior Scrivano bgins, 〈◊〉 gallops as fast with his Pen, as Monsieur Diabolo could with his Chaps. The Will runs in thse words, or words to this effect following: Viz.

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*BEhemah Dornschweyn, Prince of all that lies betwixt the East and West, the North and South; mighty both on the Sea and the Land, chief Vayvode of Ʋsury, Simony, Bribery, Perjury, Forgery, Ty∣ranny, Blasphemy, Calumny, &c.(my Vassals and Deputies, with all their petty Officers under them) Patron of all that study the Black and Negromantick Arts; Father of all the roaring Boys, the Founder and Ʋpholder of Paintings, Dawbings, Plaisterings, Pargettings, Con∣suring, Cementings, Winkle-filings, and btchings up of old decayed and weather-beaten Faces: being confounded and tormented in every Limb, but having my Memory and Wits fresh and lively, do make this my last Will and Testament in manner and form following.

*Imprimis, I will bequeath the World (whereof I am Prince) with all the Pleasures, Inticements, and sorcerous Vanities thereof, to be equally distributed amongst my Sons and Daughters; and because (of my own knowledge) I find very many of them to be damnably wickd: I lay upon all such a Fathers heavy curse, not caring though they hang in Hell, because they have run a villanous, impious, prous and devillish Life and Race

*Itm, To all those Ladies, Gentlewomen and Citizens Wives, (be∣ing set down by their Names in my black Book) to whose houses I have been welcome at midnight, my Wis is, that they all shll mourn.

*Item, I further will and bequeath to my loving and d•••est Friends, the Ʋsurers of this City, all such Moneys as are now, or hereafter shall be taken at above the rate of Ten in the Hundred.

*My will is, that every Gentleman that serves me, shall be kept in his Chain; yea, the worst that hath followed me, let him go in a black Suit of durance.

*Item, Whereas I have many base Daughters lurking about the Su∣burbs, I give to them Carbuncles a piece, the biggest that can be got∣ten. *And to those Matrons (that for my sake have been ever dear to those my said Daughters) I give to each of them a bottle of the same Aqua Vitae whereof I my self drink.

*Item, I give my invisible Cloaks to all Bankrupts, because they have made them; but to one Poet onely (called Pot Comedy) I give my best invisible Cloak, because it better fits his shoulders than my own; but chiefly, for that he will trim it up well, and line it with, Come not near me; or, Stand off: And because he is a Slip of mine own graft∣ing, I likewise bequeath to him my best Slippers, to walk and play with his Keepers noses.

Page  5*Item, I give to all Officers that love me, a brace of my own Angels to hang about their Necks as a remembrance of me.

*Item, My will is, that all the Brokers in Long-lane be sent to me with all speed possible, because I have much of them laid to pawn to me, which will (I know) never be redeemed; and what I give to them shall be in Hugger mugger: and for the rest of their Brethren about the City, let them be assured, they shall not be forgotten, because I hear they pray for me hourly; I pity these poor despised Souls, because if they should miss me, I know not what will becme of them

*Item, I give towards the mending of the High wy bteen New∣gate and Tyburn, all the Grvel that lies in the Kiny, Reins and Bladders of Churles, Ʋsurers, B•••s, Harlts, and Whre-masters ad rather then ths Gravel pits shuld grow scanty, I wish that they be supplied continually.

*Item, I give to all Jylors a•• Kepers of Pri••ns, t evryone of them, the Soul of 〈◊〉 Bear, (t b Rvenus;) the Bdy of a Wlf, (to be Cruel;) the Speech of a Dog, (t b Churlish;) the Tallns of a Vulture, (to be Grasing;) and my Cutenance to bear them out in their Office, that they may look like Devils to the poor Pisners.

*Item, My will is that if any Bully-cock happen to be stabbed, swag∣g••ing or s••aring in a Tavern (or to be killed in the quarrel of his Whre, let him be fetched hither in my own Name) because here he shall be both looked to, and provided fr.

*Item, I give unto my white Sn (whom th World call Jesuits) to each a thimble full of my Brains ▪ fr truly I have been more beholden to them, than to my l••ing Friends th Beakers; for by their making Adultey and Fornication Venial Sins▪ they have hlp me to thousands of Souls, whih otherwise had nver been wasted over into our Ache∣rontick Territories.

*Lastly, I make and ordain by this my l••t Will and Tetament, a Common Barretr to be my Executor; and two Knights, who are my sworn Servants, and ••e of the P••• (their Names and Service being nailed upon Pillars in W••tminter Hall and Palac, I make them (albeit they are purblind) my Overseers; and fr their pains therein, I will bequeath to each of them a great round Pearl to be worn in thir Eyes, because I may be still in their sight when I am gn from them.

And to testifie that this is my last and only Will which shall stand, I subscribe my Name unto it, thereby renouncing, retracting revocating, disanulting, and quite cancelling all other Wills formerly by me made whatsoever: In witness whereof, all the States Infernal, Avernal, A∣cherontick, Page  6 Stygian, Phlegetontick, and Periphlegetontick, have likewise subscribed, in the year of our Reigning in the World 5674.

Monsieur Noverint (being a man whose conditions were too well known) had nothing said to him at this time, because the Devil was very bad, and had no stomach to talk of old reckonings (for Universe was in his debt) but had his payment, and was glad he got away.

Now as it often happens to rich Curmudgeons, that after they have settled their Estate on their Death-beds, (as they verily fear) and that their Wives gape to be Widows, that from their Husbands Coffin they may leap into a Coach and be Ladies; their Sons and Heirs cursing as fast (as the Mothers pray) until the great Capon∣bell ring out; the Daughters weeping (when they know their Por∣tions) only because they are not Marriageable; or if Marriageable, because ere they mourn in black, they have not Suitors to make them merry: and the Kindred as greedy (for their parts) to se the Winding-sheet laid out, that they may fetch their fat Legacies. And then (Oh terrible then!) the old Fox revives, falls to his sleep, calls for his victuals, feels himself mnd, remembers his Bags, cryes out for his Keys, seals up his Money; no talk of a Will, no hope of a Widow, no sharing of his Wealth. Even the self-same Pill took this Diego Daemonum, and recovered upon it: for all his Children, Acquaintance, and Servants standing about him, howl∣ing and crying for him, Behold! this howling of theirs made him almost out of his wits, that madness quickned his spirits, his spirits made him rouse up himself, and with rousing he began to look into what danger he was faln; and by looking into it, to devise Plots again to raise it. Hereupon a Synod was called of all the subtlest and plaguest Praters in Hell, of which there are good store. Ma∣gog Mammon there discovers his Disease, the cause of it, and his peril: His fear is, that his Kingdom would now be sorely shaken, and his sorrows, because all they should be sure to smart for it more then he himself; he therefore craves their Infernal counsel.

They all Conser, they Cousult, and from that Consultation (af∣ter many Villanous Projects tossed upon their Horns, like Dung upon Pitch-forks, and smelling worse) this Advice was hatched, and had feathers sluck on the back, the rest were pluckt naked: and this it was; That Minotaure Poluphem (the Sire of all those Whelps barking thus in the Kennels of Hell) should forthwith put fire into his old bones, and fall to thrashing of the Dam to Page  7 get more Hell-hounds, (brave young Devils) whom he may (like Tumblers) hoyst from one Friends shoulder up to another, and so pop them into the World; and they going again to Bull with other black Goblings, may ingender what Monsters they please, to set all the World, and all the People in it out of Tune; and the worse Musick they make, the more sport it is for him.

This Act was Filed upon Record, most Voyces carried it away: The Councel flowed currant; the Court is adjourned; and the great Beglherby of Limbo falls hotly to his business. Now you must understand, that the Devil being able to get Children faster than any Man else, he had no sooner touched his old Laplandian Gue∣nevora, but she as speedily quickned; and no sooner quickned, but was delivered, and lay In; and had at this Litter, or Burthen, two Twins.

The Father gave to each of them a Name; the one was called Hypocrisie, the other Ingratitude. *Hypocrisie was put to Nurse to an Anabaptist of Amsterdam, but Ingratitude was brought up at home. In a short time they were able to practise any Tricks that were taught them: So that being ripe for Masters, Hypocrisie was pre∣sently bound to a Puritan Taylor by his Nurse; and did nothing but make Cloaks for Religion to wear of a thousand Colours. He ran away from the Taylor, and then dwelt with a Vizard-maker; and there he was the first that invented wearing of Two Faces un∣der a Hood. After this he travelled into Italy, and there Learned (and since he hath Taught Jesuits) to Embrace with one Arm, and Stab with another; to Smile in your Face, yet wish a Poniard in your Bosome; to Protest, and yet Lye; to swear Love, yet Hate mortally. From Italy he came into the Low Countries, where he would drink only with a full Glass, to over-reach you in your Cups of your Bargain. *Out of Germany he is again come over into Eng∣land; his Lodging is uncertain, for (like a Whore) he lies every∣where: he sometimes is at Court, and is there exceeding full of Com∣plements; he goes sometimes like a thread-bare Scholar, but with looks humble as a Lambs, and as innocent; but his Heart prouder than a Turks to a Christian. He hath a bewitching Presence, a sweet Breath, a musical Voyce, and a warm sort Hand, but it is dangerous to keep Company with him, because he can alter himself into sundry shapes: In the City he is a Dog, and will sawn upon you; in the Fields he is a Lyons Whelp, and will play with you; in the Sea he is a Mermaid, and will sing to you: but that fawning Page  8 is but to reach at your Throat; that playing is to get you into his Paws; and that singing is nothing else, but to sink and confound you for ever.

This Ficture of Perdition (Hypocrisie) was not drawn so smoothly, so cunningly, but his Brother (Ingratitude) though there went but a pair of shears betwixt them, was as ugly in shape, and as black in Soul; he was a Fiend in proportion, and a Fury in condition: It catcheth at any thing, but cannot see the Party from whom it receives.

This is that Torpedo, which if we touch, a numbness strikes all our joynts and we have no feling one of another. This is he which mketh one forget God and his Country, the King and his Kin∣dred, only to please the Devil his Father. He that this day hath been comforted with thy Fire, fed with thy Bread, relieved with thy Purse, and kept from being lousie with thy Linnen, to morrow will be ready to set the same House on fire that hid him from cold; for thy Bread, to give thee Stones; for the Money thou lentest him, to sell thee (like a Judas;) and for thy Linnen which wrap∣ped him warm, glad to see thee in danger to go naked. Thus have we this Gorgoa in his livest colours; because therefore that the odi∣ousness of this Beast should still be in our Eyes, God hath Hiero∣glyphically figured it in many of his Creatures.

The Vipr is an Emblem of it, whose young ones gnaw out the Blly in which they were bred. So is the Mule, whose paunch being full with sucking▪ she kicks her Dam. So is the Ivy, which kills that by whch it climbs. And so is Fire, which destroys its Nourisher.

My purpose was, when the Grand Helea had gotten these two Furies with nine Lives, only to have drawn the Curtains of her Child-bed in which she lay n, and to have shewn no more but the well-••voed Faes of her pir of Monkies; but you see I have from her withered Teats brought them to their Cradles, from their Cradles carried them to Nurse, and from thence followed them till they were able to do service in the World: how they hve spd, you har, and how they are like to prosper, you may judge.

FINIS.