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The accident of the Chamber-Pot, the troublesom Nigh Rancour gave the Inn: The Arri∣val of part of the Players Company. The Death of Doguin, and other remarkable pas∣sages.
RAncour came to the Inn little better than half drunk. Mrs. Rappinier's Maid who conducted him, desired the Hostess to have a
bed made for him: A great purchase indeed, said the Landlady, if this be the best trade we must look for, good buoy Landlord; i' faith you must seek your Rent elswhere: Hold your peace you Sot, replyed her Husband, Monsieur de la Rappiniere, does us too much Honour; therefore provide the Gentleman a bed quick∣ly. Marry come up, quoth she, but you must know where to find one first, there was but one to spare, and that is just now taken up by a good Merchant: The Merchant came in just at the nick of time, and having understood the cause of their Quarrel, proffer'd Rancour part of his bed; whether it were that he had business with la Rappiniere, or that he were naturally ob∣liging, for which Rancour gave him as many thanks as his barren civility could afford. The Merchant supp'd, mine Host kept him company, and Rancour was easily entreated to make up a third, and took off his Cups roundly at ano∣ther mans cost. They discoursed of Taxes, rail∣ed against Excise-men, and undertook to go∣vern the Kingdom, but were so ill Governors over themselves, and especially mine Host, that he drawes out his Purse, and calls for the Rec∣koning, forgetting he was eating Oats at his own Manger; his Wife and her Maid seeing him in this pickle, pull'd him out by head and shoulders, and clapt him on a bed in his clothes Rancour told the Merchant he was much trou∣bled with a difficulty of making water, and wa•• therefore very sorry he should be forced to di∣sturb him; to which the Merchant replyed, tha••
a Night was soon over. The bed stood in a corner of the Chamber, with one side close to the Wall; Rancour gets in first, and takes up the further side, and the Merchant having laid himself outermost, Rancour desires he would help him to the Chamber-pot: And what do you intend to do with it, saies the Merchant? I must contrive some way to set it by me, re∣plies Rancour, for fear of troubling you too of∣ten in the N••ght: The Merchant freely proffer∣ed to reach it to him, upon all occasions; to which Rancour seemed but unwillingly to con∣sent, protesting it would grieve him to the heart to disturb him so much; the Merchant fell asleep before he could make answer, and he was scarce thorowly so, but the malicious Player, who was of such a damned humour, he would willingly lose an eye of his own, to put out another mans, pulled the poor Merchant by the arm, crying out, Sir, O dear Sir: The Merchant not quite awake, askt him yawning, what is't you desire? Pray give me the Pot a little, said Rancour; the other reache•• to the Flore, and taking it up, gives it into Rancours hands, who seemingly strived to piss, and after a hundred proffers and trials, and as many oaths and mutterings between his teeth, not forgetting to bemoan and bewail himself, he returns the Pot to the Merchant, without one drop in it; The Merchant sets it down in its place again, and gaping as wide as an oven for want of sleep, truly Sir, said he; I pitty you very much, and immediately fell into a sound sleep again. Ran∣cour
lets him sleep on a pretty while, and when he heard him begin to snore as heartily, as if he had done nothing else all his life time; the per∣fidious Rascal wakens him again, and calls for the Chamber pot as maliciously as he did the time before. The Merchant gives it him as or∣derly as at first; Rancour holds it to the place out of which we use to piss, but with as little de∣sign to piss, as to let the Merchant rest in quiet: he cries out louder then before, and was twice as long not pissing, conjuring the Merchant not to trouble himself any more with reaching the Pot, telling him it was unreasonable, and he would make a shift to do it well enough him∣self: The poor man, who would at that time have given half his estate to have fetch'd out his sleep, drouzily told him, he might do as he pleased; and set the pot down again. They bid each other good night very civilly, and the poor Merchant would have ventured a good wager, that he should now sleep as quietly as ever he did in his life: Rancour who knew what would happen, lets him fairly engage himself a while to a most sweet repose, and making no conscience of waking him, he lays his sharp el∣bow just upon the pit of his stomach, and throwing his whole body forwards, stretches his arme out of the bed, as we use to doe to take up any thing from the bed-side; The Unfor∣tunate Merchant start up awake, feeling him∣self almost stifled and prest to death, crying out horribly with an oath, O Sir you kill me! Ran∣cour replies with as much softness, as the other
spake with passion: I beg your pardon, I was only going to reach the Pot. Ah! cri'd the o∣ther, I had rather watch'd the whole night and given it you my self, for you have done that to me, which I shall carry to my Grave. Ran∣cour made him no answer, but pissed so copious∣ly, and with so much strength, that this noise alone had been sufficient to have awaked the Merchant. He filled the Pot up to the brim, blessing god with a Phanitical Hipocrisie: The poor Merchant congratulated as well as he could the emptying of his bladder, and plenti∣full ejaculation of Urine, which made him pro∣mise himself an uninterrupted sleep, when the cursed Rancour making as if he would set down the pot again, let both it and the piss fall down upon the gentlemans Face, Beard, and Breast, crying out, Alas! Sir, I entreat your pardon; The Merchant made no return to his civility, for as soon as he felt himself pickled in that liquor, he rose up howling like a Fury, and bawling for a Candle. Rancour with a most cunning calmness, said, faith this is an unlucky accident; but the Merchant continued his cla∣mours. The Host, Hostess, Tapsters and Cham∣bermaids, took the Alarum and came to them, the Merchant telling them they had brought him the Devil for a bed-fellow, called for a fire in another Room. They demanded what he ailed, but his anger was so unexpressible he gave no reply, but caught up his Cloaths and Port∣manteau, and went into the Kitchen to dry himself, where he slept out the rest of the night
on a bench by the fire-side: The Master of the House enquired of Rancour what the matter was, who told him with a counterfeit ingenui∣ty: I cannot imagine what reason he should have to complain: but he started out of his sleep, and waked me at the same time with a hideous out-cry of murther, so that either some fearful dream disturbed him, or else he must needs be distracted, for he hath be-pissed the bed till it is all on float again; the good woman felt the bed with her hand, and found it so true, that she swore by her maker she would make him pay for his nastiness: They wish'd Rancour a good night, who slept as quietly till morning, as if he had had the clearest conscience in the world and so recruited himself of the disturbance his Carcass had met with the precedent night at Rappinieres: He was rouzed somwhat earlier though then he intended, Rappinieres maid, calling him up in great hast, to come and speak with Doguin who was dying, and desired to see him before he left the world: He went not with∣out some trouble, being puzled to guess what might be the occasion of this fellows sending for him at such a time, having had no acquaintance with him but the day before. But it proved onely a mistake of the maids, who hearing him inquire for the player, went for Rancour instead of Destiny; who was just come into Doguins cham∣ber before Rancour arrived, and had shut him∣self up with the Priest that had confessed him, who had informed Destiny that the sick party had somthing that concerned him to discover to
him. He had not been thus in private with Do∣guin above the eighth part of an hour, but La Rappiniere returned home from the City, where he had been ever since break of day about busi∣ness: At his coming he was informed his man was dying, it being impossible to stanch his blood, by reason a great vessel was cut asunder, and that he had requested to speak with Destiny the Comedian before his senses left him; And hath he been with him? demanded La Rappi∣n••re somwhat started; Answer was given, that they were lock'd up together in private. He was thunder struck at these words, and run∣ning to the Chamber door in a fury bounced at the door, where Doguin was giving up the Ghost, just as Destiny opened it to call some body to help the dying man then fallen into a trance-La Rappiniere asked him with a troubled counte∣nance, what his foolish servant had to say to him; I believe he raves, replied Destiny very coldly, for he beg'd a thousand pardons of me, and I never knew he had in the least offended; but pray let some body be called to his assist∣ance, for he is just dying; they went to his bed side where he was gasping his last, which made La Rappiniere put on a more confident look then at his first approach; Those that were not stran∣gers to his temper thought it was only because, he perhaps owed him wages which would now be saved: But Destiny knew a more prevalent reason. Presently after two other persons came to the house, who were welcome to our Player as being of the same company, of whom
we shall discourse more amply in the ensu∣ing.