The bride-womans counseller being a sermon preach'd at a wedding, May the 11th, 1699, at Sherbourn, in Dorsetshire / by John Sprint.

1 COR. Chap. 7. Ver. 34.

But she that is Married, careth for the things of the World, how she may please her Husband.

THE Word Careth, in the Original signifieth more than ordinary Care, and implies a divi∣ding of the Mind into divers Thoughts, casting this way, and that way, and every way, how to give best content. Finding no other Verbal Difficulties, I shall leave Words and pass to Things, and shall lay the Foundation of my Discourse in this Proposition.

It is a Duty incumbent on all Morried Women, to be extra∣ordinary careful to content and please their Husbands.

From which Doctrine, I shall take occasion faithful∣ly to present the Duty of married Women to their Hus∣bands.

Obj. And why so? (may the Women say) why could not you have pitch'd upon v. 33. and have tak∣en occasion from thence to have told married Men their Duty to their Wives? Or, if we must be told our Du∣ty, why could you not have come to a Composition with us and have brought our Husbands in to have shared with us?

A. Truly I foresaw not only these, but a whole Iliad of Female Objections, would be started against my Design but if Reason may take place, I hope I am able to si∣lence them all: And here, amongst the many Reason, which might be produc'd to justify my Attempt, I shall only offer to your Consideration these few.

1. Because the Woman's Duty is harder and more difficult than that of the Man: Precepts for Ruling and Governing are more taking, and have a more pleasing relish, than those which enjoyn Subjection and Obedi∣ence.

You Women will acknowledge that Men can learn to command, and rule fast enough, which as Hus∣bands they ought to do; but 'tis very rare to find that Women learn so fast to Submit and obey, which as Wives they ought to do: Women have need of Line upon Line, Precept upon Precept, here a Little and there a Little; and all little enough to make them perfect in their Lesson.

2. Because Women are of weaker Capacities to learn than Men, and therefore when they have a hard and difficult Lesson, and but weak Abilities to learn it, they had need of more Help and Assistance afforded them; and so it behoves us not only to tell them their Duty in Conjunction with their Husbands, but also to teach them singly and by themselves.

3. Because that (according to the Observation which I have made) most of those Distractions and Distur∣bances which have attended a Married Life, and that have brought so much Reproach and Disgrace on that Honourable State, are owing to the Indiscretion and Fol∣ly, if not to the Obstinacy and Stubborness of disobedi∣ent Wives; and I shall not scruple to affirm, that the number of those bad Husbands, which their Wives have made so, is greater by far than the Number of those whom their Wives have found so when they were first married.

4. Because the Love of a Husband does very much de∣pend upon the Obedience of a Wife; Stubbornness and Obstinacy in a Wife may check and quench the Affec∣tions of an Husband, but are no proper Methods to kindle and enflame themselves. When the Wife be∣comes pliant and yielding to her Husband's VVill and Desire, she then lead him captive at her pleasure, and leaves him so fast bound in the golden Fetters of Love, that she may do even with him what she pleases. An o∣bedient Wife, (says one) is the likeliest Woman in the World to command her Husband: So that, in plain Terms, you are more afraid than hurt, and instead of being so scrupulous of having your Duty told you, you should

use your utmost Diligence to learn and practise it, if e∣ver you mean to have your Husbands loving and kind to you.

5. Because that all that pretend to, is to lay your Du∣ty before you; and shall I therefore become your Ene∣my, because I am come to tell you the Truth? As for good VVives, the Knowledge and Practise of their Du∣ty is so comfortable and pseasant to them, that I am sure they are not listed in the number of these Objectors, and I wish, that where there is one of these there where a thousand; as for Bad ones, I am sure they have need of being told their Duty more than a little, and of this sort I wish there were none at all: And if by poor En∣deavours in this Discourse, I can but be instrumental ei∣ther of lessening their Number, or of preventing their Increase, I shall obtain my End. Under the shelter of these Reasons I shall adventure in the Face of all Objec∣tions to persue my Design, which is to prosecute this Doctrine, viz.

That 'tis a Duty incumbent on all married Women to be extra∣ordinary Careful to content and please their HUSBANDS, which I shall do in this Method.

• 1. Prove it by Reason and Argument.
• 2. Shew how and which way married Women must endeavour to please their Husbands.
• 3. Make some Improvement of it.

The Reasons of the Doctrine are such as these:

1. Because the Woman was made for the Comfort and Benefit of Man [Cor. 11.9.] Neither was Man cre∣ated for the Woman, but the Woman for the Man: The great End of her Creation (next the Glory of God) was, that she might be serviceable and helpful unto Man; and therefore you find, when the wise Creator was about to make the Woman, he assigns this very Reason for it, [Gen. 2.18.] And the Lord God said, It is not good that Man should be alone, I will make an Help meet for him.

Now if the Woman owes her Being to the Comfort and Profit of Man, 'tis highly reasonable that she should

be careful and diligent to content and please him, other∣wise she doth wickedly pervert the End of her Creati∣on.

2. Because of the Woman's Occasion the Man was ruined and undone [1. Tim. 2.14.] And Adam was not deceived, the Woman being deceived was in the Transgres∣sion; That is, Adam was not at first deceiv'd immedi∣ately by the Serpent, but only enticed and deceived by the Woman, who was the Tempter's Agents; so as that she was both first in the Transgression, in order of Time, and also the Principle, in contributing to the Seduction of Man; therefore 'tis but fit and just, that she, who hath been so greatly instrumental of so much Mischief and Misery to Man, should be actively engaged to please and comfort him: And indeed we find that God im∣posed this Task upon her, as a punishment for seducing her Husband, [Gen. 3.16.] And thy desire shall be to thy Husband, and He shall rule over thee: Wherein is impli∣ed, not only Subjection to him, in obeying his Com∣mands, but it reacheth farther to the bringing under un∣to him the very Desires of the Heart to be regulated by him so far, that it should not be lawful for her to will or desire what she her self liked, but only what her Hus∣band should approve and allow; even before the Fall, the Will of the Husband was to have been the Woman's Directory, as is evident from the foregoing Reason, her Compliance with which had beeh easy and pleasant; but since the Fall, Man is grown more humoursome, and hard to be pleased, and Woman less able and wil∣ling to do it; which being so thro' her own means, it was but just and righteous with God to impose a Work upon her, which her self made so hard and difficult; and therefore 'tis not the Woman's pleading, that her Husband is hard to be pleased, that will excuse her Neg∣ligence herein: This may, indeed, be a Memento to her of her Original Guilt, but 'twill by no means excuse her from the performance of her present Duty; nay, ra∣ther if should be a Motive of her greatest diligence. Man

in his Innocency had nothing of Morosity and Sower∣ness in his Nature, but had all that Affability and Sweet∣ness of Temper as rendred him highly endeared to his Yoak-fellow: He was then so kind, and Good-humour∣ed, that he requir'd nothing at her hands, but what she could perform with delight and ease; all his Commands were so full of Charms, that the Woman must first have offered violence to her own Inclinations, before that she could have been able to have resisted them.

He Rul'd, and she Obey'd; yet she Did, in Obeying, Rule as well as he

Until that fatal Hour came, when the Woman sedu∣ced her Husband from his Innocency; and then the Na∣ture of Man was sadly chang'd, his Temper grew harsh and severe, and Humours became troublesome and te∣dious; so that the Pleasing of him is now become a bu∣siness that requires a great deal of Art and Skill, of Di∣ligence and Industry; and she that is married, divides her Mind into divers Thoughts, cast about every way, and useth variety of Methods to please her Husband: And this I believe is experienc'd Truth with most Wo∣men; which if it be, you may thank your Mother Eve for it, who, when she had gotten a good Natur'd and Loving Husband, that was easy to be pleas'd, could not then be contented, but must try Practices with him, till she had spoil'd him; which prov'd fatal, not only to her, but to her Daughters also; who, if they have Husbands, and have them good too, must take a great deal of Care and Pains to make them so.

3. Because upon the doing or neglecting of this, the Happiness or Misery of a Married Life doth depend. A good Wife, (says one) should be like a Mirrour which hath no Image of its own, but receives its Stamp and Image from the Face that looks into it: So should a good Wife endeavour to frame her outward Deportment, and her inward Affections ac∣cording to her Husband's; to rejoyce when he rejoyceth, to be sad when he mourns, to grieve and be troubled when he is of∣fended and vexed: And would Women thus endeavour

to do, they would not only content and please their Husbands, but they would thereby open a way for the obtaining of their Husbands what they themselves do will and desire; such Wives may be sooner tired in ma∣king their Requests, than their Husbands would be in granting them; and their Husbands would think, that they could never do enough to gratify and oblige them: And where Matters are thus carried between Husband and Wife, the one submissive and obedient, the other respectful and kind, how happy, how comfortably do they spend their days! But when the Wife shall act the reverse of this, and instead of being careful to oblige and please her Husband, shall upon every little occa∣sion pout and loure, frown and fume, rail at and wran∣gle with her Husband, making the House too hot to hold him; if the Husband be of a rugged and resolute Temper, and will retaliate the Affronts that are offer∣ed him, I know no place in the World so like to Hell, as that House wherein they dwell: But if the Husband be of a meek and patient Temper, the carriage and deport∣ment of such a Wife, tho' it cannot provoke him to vent his Passion in such a stormy and tempestuous man∣ner, yet it gives him those inward wounds of Spirit, as make his Life short and miserable: The contentions of a Wife are a continual dropping, says the Wise-man (Prov. 9.13.) And (saith Bishop Hopkings on the place) it is such a dropping, as will at last eat and fret thro' his very Heart, tho' it were made of Stone. One of the best Ministers that ever I knew for Piety, Learning, and Good-nature, (famous for Learned Tracts) had (saith a late Writer) an hard name, because of his Wife's Complaints: he would say, all was a little Domestick talk; but that Domestick Talk broke his Heart, that before he died he said,

God hath blessed me with some Parts, that I now begin to be useful in the World and must I now go out of the World, thro' the Hu∣mour of a Woman? And many (saith he) die of the same Disease.

All Evils, as Elements, are most troublesome out of their proper Places; as Profaness

in Ministers, whose Work it is to beat it down; Inju∣stice in Judges, whose Office it is to condemn it; and Discomfort in a Wife, who was made to be a Comfort: 'Twas this that gave rise to the Proverb of Solomon [Prov. 21.9.] 'Tis better to live in a corner of a House Top, than with a brawling Woman in a wide House. 'Tis much more desirable to live poorly and solitary in the open Air, exposed to all the Injuries of the Weather, nay to thrust into a little corner on the Top of the House, than to have a spatious Habitation, and numerous Family, go∣vern'd by a contentious Wife, whose perpetual Scold∣ing and Brawling within doors, upon the least Occasion is more intolerable than the Thunder and Lightning and blustring Winds, which may molest him without. 'Tis an hundred pities (says Mr. Swynnock) that the Tongues of such Shrews have not as many Blisters as their Jaws have Teeth, and 'tis never better with their Husbands than when they are hoarse. To conclude this Head, whilst the good Wife that is careful to oblige her Husband, makes both him and her self happy; the imperious, clamo∣rous and turbulent Wife, that at every word spits Pas∣sion and Poison, is a Torment and Vexation to her self, and a pernicious Plague to her Husband.

2. I come now in the Second place, to shew how, and which way, married Women must endeavour to please their Husbands.

And here there are three things they ought to do.

• 1. To Love them
• 2. To Honour them
• 3. To Obey them

All which you do solemnly Covenant and Engage be∣fore God, Angels, and Men, when your Nuptial Rites are perfom'd. I have heard some Women say indeed, that they never did, nor would say those Words after the Minister; but I think then, those Ministers were very remiss in their Office; and had I been to have offi∣ciated, those Women should have been content to have stay'd for Husbands till they had been willing to have spoken out, Love, Honour, and Obey; which are Du∣ties,

the performance of which is absolutely necessary to maintain both the Honour and Happiness of a Mar∣ried State, and is the only proper Method that Women can take to please their Husbands, as I shall shew more particularly.

First, Every married Woman, in order to please her Husband, ought to love him: Let every Woman love her Husband, as the chiefest and best for her of Ten Thousands; for whose sake she can forget her own People, and her Father's Family; with whose Com∣pany and Converse she can be contented and pleased, should all the VVorld besides be annihilated; and tho' even Nature does teach a VVoman to love her Hus∣band, yet God does also enjoin it, [Tit. 2.4.] That they may teach the young Women to be sober, and to love their Husbands, &c. Partly (saith one) because some Women have put off Nature, and are become wild, without Natural Affection; and partly because God would have the Wife's Love to her Husband to proceed not so much from an Instinct of Na∣ture, as from Obedience to Scripture. And the Apostles con∣fines this precept to Young VVomen too, thereby sug∣gecting to us, that 'tis the Duty of a VVoman, newly married especially, to use all means to endear her Hus∣band to her self, and her self to her Husband; and care∣fully to avoid all Occasion of Differences with her Hus∣band, at her first Entrance into that State. Agreeable to which, I remember, Plutarch, amongst his Conjugal Precepts, hath this for one, viz. That it behoves those People that are newly married, to avoid the first Occasion of Discord and Dissention, considering that Vessels newly formed and sub∣ject to be bruised, and put out of shape by many slight accidents; but when the Materials come to be settled and hardned by Time, nor Fire, nor Sword will hardly prejudice the Solid Substance. 'Tis a common foolish Pactice of young Women, dur∣ing the Time of Courtship, to use all the Arts and Me∣thods they can contrive or devise, to charm their Lovers and captivate the Affections of those who make their Addrsses to them; you may read, Come love me in the

pleasantness of their Looks, in the neatness of their Dress, in the Discretion of their Words, in the oblig∣ingness of their Carriage and Deportment; but they are no sooner married, but they grow as remiss and careless in their Endeavours to please their Husbands, as before they were zealous in arting their Charms: Now their pleasant Smiles are turn'd into Frowns, the neat∣ness of their Dress into Sluttery. She who opened her Mouth with Wisdom, in whose Tongue was the Law of Kindness, now speaks unadvisedly with her Lips, and carries her self so disrespectful towards her Hus∣band, as if she studied how to disoblige him, and to ali∣enate his Affections from her; by which means many times Women make themselves to become the Wives of Madmen and Sots; whereas had they been as care∣ful after their Marriage to have pleas'd their Husbands, as they were before, they might have made their Hus∣bands happy, and themselves too; and had they had that Conjugal Love, which they ought to have had, they would have done it; for Love is an Affection that will render Persons active and diligent to content and please those who are beloved by them; and when the Wife has so much Love for her new Husband, as to make her careful to oblige, and fearful to offend him, in pro∣cess of time she will soon engage his Affections to her, as that she may defy the World to alienate them from her. VVhen two Boards are first glued together, a small matter will loosen them; but if carefully look∣ed to till they are well fastened, and the Glue be hardned 'twill not be an easy matter to disjoint or sever them.

Secondly, Married VVomen, in order to please their Husbands, ought to honour them. The Persian Ladies have the resemblance of a Foot worn on the top of their Coronets, in token that the height of their Glory, Top∣knot and all, does stoop to their Husbands Feet. And here the Honour which is due from the VVife to the Husband, is either,

• First, Internal, or

• Secondly, External.

First, Internal. And this is when she cherisheth an high Esteem of him in her Mind, when she thinks on him as one whom God hath appointed and ordained to be her Superiour and Head. The Apostle, (1. Cor. 11.7.) calls the VVoman the Glory of the Man, and that too, as one thinks, for this Reason, because 'tis an high Honour to him, that so Excellent a Creature as a VVo∣man is should be his Inferiour: Surely then a VVoman that harboureth mean and contemptuous Thoughts of her Husband, is her Husband's Shame and Disgrace; and tho' VVomen may think, that their Thoughts are free, that they are at Liberty to think as they please, yet let them know, that the Heart-searching God takes Cognizance of their Thoughts, and is very much dis∣pleased when he finds any to be such as are beneath the Dignity and Excellency of the Husband. If Michal de∣spiseth David in her Heart, God makes his Curse to fall upon her; and tho' she dishonour her Husband secretly in her Thought, God makes her a publick Example of his Displeasure, by punishing her with Barrenness, which in those days made a VVoman very contemtible: and therefore you find, that when Elizabeth had brought forth a Child, she triumphs in it, and says, God hath ta∣ken away my Reproach, [Luke 1.25.] for which some give this Reason: The Messias being promised to come of the Race of the Jews, every teeming VVoman had the hopes of being the Parent or proparent at least of him. But there is.

Secondly, External Honour: which is when that high Esteem which the VVoman hath of her Husband, is ex∣pressed or declared either in VVords or Actions, giv∣ing those Titles which may bespeak the Dignity and Excellency of his Person: So Sarah called her Husband Lord, and is commended for it, as being a fit Pattern for other VVomen to imitate, [1. Pet. 3.6.] 'Tis a Custom more common than comely, for VVomen to call their Husbands by their Christian Names, as our

John, and our Thomas, &c. as if they esteemed them at no higher a rate than their very Servants that attend them; nay, it may be they will call them by reproach∣ful Names, such as Fool, Sloven, Clown, Sot, &c. and what they have to say for their Vindication, I know not; but if words are thoughts Interpreters, we may shrewdly Guess what it is they aim at. Those VVo∣men who will not condescend to give their Husbands the Title of Lord and Master, it is to be feared will not scru∣ple in little time to usurp that Authority which that Ti∣tle doth imply; and the Husband may quickly expe∣rience what it is to be under the Discipline of the Apron. The VVoman is oblig'd to honour her Husband by her Actions: Her deportment and carriage, in all that she doth, should be such, as may evidence the Honourable Opinion she has of him, as her Lord and Head; and tru∣ly this will much facilitate the Performance of the next Duty you are bound to, which is,

Thirdly, to obey them: And however light Women may make of this, yet I know not of any duty belonging Men or VVomen, in the whole Book of God, that is urged with more Vehemency, or pressed with stron∣ger or more cogent Reasons than this is. Subjection and Obedience to their Husbands is required from VVives, as absolutely and peremtorily as unto Christ himself, [Ephes. 5.22] Wives submit to your Husbands, as unto the Lord; and is extended to all the Husband's commands, Ver. 24. Therefore as the Church is subject unto Christ, so should the Wives be to their Husbands, in Every thing.

Obj. But what if an Husband commands the Wife to do that which is sinful?

Ans. By Every thing in the Text, is meant all that comes within the compass of his Authority to command; and certainly God never gave to any Man Authority to command that which is contradictory to his own Laws; excepting this, or the Imposibility of the thing com∣manded to be done both God and Nature hath giv∣en the Husband Authority to Command, and the

Wife is bound to obey, however unnecessary or unfit she may think it to be: Otherwise (says Bishop Hopkins) when the Apostle commands Wives to be subject to their Hus∣bands in Every ahing, it would signifie no more than Every thing which they think fit. And this certainly is no great∣er a Subjection than every Husband will readily yield to his Wife, and falls infinitely short of the Apostle's In∣tent, who requires the Subjection of the Wife to the Husband in Every thing, as the Church is subject unto Christ, which certainly is not in every thing she thinks fit; neither ought she to take upon her to Judge or Re∣ject his Laws, but to fulfil them: And tho' this Duty may seem, on the first View, to be difficult, yet in con∣junction with the two former, it will become easie and pleasant. Love your Husbands as you ought, and you will not refuse to honour them; if you love and ho∣nour them, you will not scruple to obey them; and if you love, honour, and obey them, you will then do what becomes good Wives, and indeed what is, or should be at lead sufficient to please your Husbands. And therefore, for a Conclusion of what I have to say to you Married Women, let this be your Motto, and let it be woven with threds of Gold in the Ornaments of your Heads, viz. LOVE, HONOUR, and O∣BEY, and carry it accordingly in your Practices to∣wards your Husbands, and I am perswaded that you'll find as great a scarcity of bad Husbands then, as there is of good Wives now. I come now to the Improvement of this Doctrine, which invites me to apply my self to you Men, and that too both to the Married and Un∣married.

First, To you that are single and unmarried, you may from this Doctrine learn how great a Friend Reli∣gion is to the Comfort and Happiness of Man in this Life, in the Institution whereof God hath not only wise∣ly consulted the Interest of his own Honour and Glory, but hath graciously condescended to adapt its Precepts to the Comfort and Happiness of Man in every State

and Condition of Life; you are now single, but it may be you have designs of altering your condition by Mar∣riage; and if you do, God hath given such Laws for your Wife to observe, as will, if duly regarded, make her an Help-meet for you: and such a Wife it behoves you to choose, if ever you would be happy in that State: If you marry a carnal and graceless Wife, void of the fear of God, she will perhaps scoff at all that I have said and will be careful for nothing but to please her self, and gratify her own wild and extravagant Inclination; but if you Marry in the Lord, i. e. if you marry a Wife that truly fears God, and lives in an habitual obedience to his Commands, she will make conscience of loving, honouring, and obeying, and be extraordinary careful to please you in all things.

Secondly, To you who are Married: You have heard how great an Obligation is lain on your Wives, to love, honour and obey you, and to endeavour to please you in all things; remember that their Duty is hard, the frailty of that Sex is great, and therefore beware of ma∣king their task more difficult than necessity doth require, or than their Nature will bear; tho' 'tis true they are in subjection, yet still remember they are part of your selves, and therefore let your Authority be united with love, as your love must be governing love, so let your commands be loving commands. In the same Chapter, where the Wife is commanded to be subject to her Husband, as the Church is to Christ, she Husband also is commanded to love his Wife, as Christ loved the Church; which one will have to be expressed in these four Particulars:

• First, by bearing with and pardoning her weakness.
• Secondly, By being willing to submit to many Incon∣veniences for her sake.

• Thirdly, by interposing your self betwixt her and dangers.
• Fourthly, By endeavouring to promote her Spiritual Good and Welfare.

But I must forbear enlargement, least, that, by over∣lading the memories of the Women, I should cause them to forget their Duty which has been set before them.

FINIS.