Love a la mode a comedy / written by a Person of honour.

ACTUS Secundus.

Scoena Prima.

Coelia, Matrona.

Mat.

SWeet Lady-bird, do not frown; you'll mar the beauty of your lookes.

Coel.

Why? if I do, I hope they are my own.

Mat.

Tho' now they are, they must shortly be anothers: preserve them, Mistress, for a husband.

Coel.

Good Antiquity, sputter farther off; I have no time for trifles.

Mat.

But you must listen to the experience of the old: age is honourable; and my place requires some reverence.

Coel.

VVhat, Groom of my stoole?

Mat.

These are unreverent words to your Governess.

Coel.

Governess? what proud foole dares hope that glori∣ous title o'er me? thou, I know, canst not expect any thing beyond what Nature did intend thee for, a Baud.

Mat.

Minion, minion, you shall know, I am your Gover∣ness.

Coel.

Again that word? thou prodigy of age, how dar'st thou tempt my patience? Think not, whil'st I know who I am, and where I am, my Fathers Daughter in my Fathers house, there shall be any Governess but I.

Mat.

I'll be your adviser then.

Coel.

I'd advise you to be less sawcy, woman, and know your distance: when I need you, or your advice, I'll call for you; till when, it will become your duty to be silent, and not abuse my Fathers charity. He take thee for a Governess! alass, poor woman, how I pitty thy wrong judgment! he took thee of meere charity, good man, it is his usual course.

Mat.

She'll perswade me I am a beggar streight, a right worshipfull subject for a Brokers charity. — Lady, howe∣ver you are pleas'd to abuse me in your Fathers absence, I must tell you I was entertain'd on other conditions.

Coel.

And I tell thee, thou doting Woman, thou hast never a good condition to be entertain'd for.

Mat.

VVell, I am patient, you see: we old folks are fools; my love makes me bear all: I can take nothing ill from my sweet Mistress: Youth will make merry with Age. Deare sweet Mistress, I'll be any thing to please you.

Coel.

Be silent then, and hold thy prate; dost think my fortunes can be better'd by thy advice, or prejudic'd without it? or hath my Father plac'd you here a Prologue to my Maidenhead, to tell each gallant, as he passes by, what's to be had within?

Mat.

I am sorry, Lady, you should thus misconster my love; bent onely to your service, my self your creature, who would be willingly employ'd in any thing, that might be grate∣full to you. — I know you are a Maid, a ripe one; and to some one particular bear an affection: give me, sweet Lady∣bird, the secret, and you shall see how suddenly I'll work your will; how secretly, with what dexterity I'll manage your affection. If this, or all the endeavours of my life can gain your good opinion, sweet Lady-bird, command me.

Coelia.

Then I command thy absence; thy fight is a Disease as killing as the Plague: how well Did my Prophetick spirit guess, when I Did call thee Baud, a promoter of base lust? For now I finde thee a most deceitfull And a treacherous one — I'd have thee know,

'Tis not within the magick of thy tongue To pervert my chastity, tho' you hide Beneath the heavenly name of love Your Devil, lust. Do'st think, thou rottenness, I am so much a foole, as to believe Thou can'st be true to me, that to My Fathers trust prov'st such a traitor? — But For blistering of my tongue, I now could Curse thee, curse thee to Hell, to warm thy old Decayed letcherous trunk.

Mat.

You know I don't deserve this.

Coel.

Away, dissembler, hypocrits; dost weep, And think to chain my weak belief with teares?

Mat.

No; th'are teares of love, caus'd by unkindness.

Coel.

VVhatere they are, I hate both them and thee: Avoid my fight, thou most corrupted shroud, Lest that my rage inforce me set a mark Upon thy lewdness. I command thee hence.

Mat.

VVell, well, I must obey: your Father will come home.

Exit Matrona.

Coel.

I know he will, and that all this discourse Flies swiftly to his eare; but I shall be Prepar'd. — I am glad I've workt this Satan hence; To whom I was oblig'd use this rough strain, To keep her too insinuating notes At a due distance from my heart: for had I given her dissimulation way, I had undone my self, who am too apt By faire pretences to be wrought upon: But whil'st I kept her at a distance thus, She could not close; and I, as if I were In an inchanted Circle, stood secure, Upon the Center of my resolution. But now I must prepare for a new onset, A Fathers severe brow: assist me Wit, And Love assist me too, to counterfeit As many humours as Proteus shapes:

My Philostratus too, I must instruct, That he may be as ready in his part As I: for love hath taught me mine by heart.

Exit.

Scoena Secunda.

Gambugium, Clittomestra, Acuta, Glisterpipe.

Gam.

STand aside a while; I'll kiss thee anon: Come hither, Glisterpipe; hast thou set down?

Glist.

Verbatim, Sir, as this Book shall specifie.

Gam.

'Tis well, 'tis well: umh, um, um. At her Devotion: That was somewhat like: No Gallant here. A Good amendment still. Come hither, Wife: And now I'll kiss thee, hony.

Clit.

When you please, Sir: it is most fit That I expect your appetite.

Gam.

Oh sweet alteration! why now thou art my Life, my heart, my soul; what shall I term Thee, to express my love? my joy is now at Full, and makes my blood to caper in my veins: These dainties are not to be parted with. Now tell me, Deare, how in my absence did'st Employ thy time?

Clit.

Oh Sir, it was exceeding tedious to me: VVhen you are out, me thinks I miss part of My self within. I spent my time As suited best my thoughts, in melancholy, Untill my Daughter came to comfort me, By reading to me a Religious Tract, A Treatise made against incontinence; So excellent a piece, that credit me It might convert the boldest Courtesan; And yet 'tis usefull to the chastest wife: I found much comfort in't: believe me, Sir, There is no happiness like contemplation.

Gam.

Nor no felicity like such a VVife.

Clit.

For contemplation elevates our joy, And mitigates extremity of grief: It sweetly passes over tedious time, And sweetens all afflicting accidents.

Gam.

It do's, it do's, sweet heart, and comforts me. My thanks to thee, dear daughter, who found out So good an entertainment for my VVife.

Acut.

It is my duty, Sir, to study both your satisfactions.

Gam.

And our happiness to have so blest a childe. However virtue doth reward her self, Many are virtuous onely for reward; Therefore 'tis good for to encourage them, And let them know they have done well: Here, Daughter, take this, 'twill buy a handsome Dressing for thy head: I love to see Thee neat: and, dearest VVife, this brace of Angels Shall henceforth be thy guard: they flew into My purse this morning, next my heart.

Clit.

I thank you, Sir; as many of these guardians as you please.

Gam.

I'll out, and get thee more: be merry in my absence, Lamb: nay, prithee look not sad; for then Thy over-kindness will afflict me more, Then my suspition ever did before. Here, take my Book; thou know'st thy task.

Exeunt.

Glister.

Fear nothing, Sir.

Clit.

Ha, ha, ha! be merry, Lamb; your counsel I will take: Sadness ne'r enters here, till you come back.

Acut.

Deare Mother, tell me how you now approve My counsel; how like you the success? Is not this better then continuall brawles, Hourely jealousies and discontents?

Clit.

Much better, Daughter; now we have his heart, His purse, himself, and all, at our command. I do applaud thy wit, and love thee for't: But, deare Acuta, I have a new design.

Acut.

Enrich my knowledge with't; and if it rest Within the compass of a womans brain, Account it done.

Clitto.

You make me happy, childe; For this requires more Secrecie then Wit: I dare trust none but thee: this small Letter Would I have speedily convey'd.

Acut.

With secrecie?

Clitto.

With all caution, into the hands of that Same stranger-Gentleman.

Acut.

Think it done, and 'tis so: have you any Further service?

Clitto.

Onely this.

Acut.

Account it done: in the mean time, good Mother, Let's give no nourishment to my Fathers Jealousie, by a long conference.

Clitto.

Feare nothing; he is at Court by this.

Acut.

But his intelligencer is at home.

Clitto.

How I love thy discreet caution!

Exit.

Acut.

You would have cause, dear Mother, knew you all. Now to my Letter; it bears direction, To Her most bonour'd Friend Mr. Ticket; That's His name: this is a new discovery. By your leave, Mother, I'll make bold and read it.

Dear Sir,

Your Courtship was so powerfull, few or none could resist; it was not at least in my power: but, whether the eloquence of your language, or excellence of your Person won the victory upon me, is disputable: certainly both concurr'd to compleate your Merit. By promise I was to appoint the place of a second interview: but since finding my self guilty of too much modesty, to undertake so great a piece of confidence, I most humbly desire you so far to indulge my bashfulness, and dispence with my promise, as to make the appointment your self; where I may appear

Your most affectionate Friend and Servant, Clittomestra.

Acut.

Where you may appear a wilde licentious woman But I'll divert your ill intents to good, And keep you virtuous against your will: Besides, I love the Gentleman my self, Though he be much unworthy of my love; For it should seem he courted my Mother To the same height of ardencie in love, As he did me. Inconstancy of man! Oh men, what are you! and what fools are we, To credit your false vowes! henceforth I'll take My heart a little nearer to my self: Though I must love him still, I'll be so wise, To credit no mans vowes before my eyes: Howe'r, this interview I can prevent, Writing a Letter to a wrong intent: But by this wrong, I do my Father right, Besides a justice to my love; nor can My Mother, when chaste thoughts take place, condemne Me for't — It is resolv'd, I will about it streight: Delay's are dangerous in affairs of weight.

Exit.

Scoena Tertia.

Virgini, Matrona, Coelia.

Mat.

SHe is, saving your VVorships reverence, possest; but with such a spirit, that all the Conjurers in Town Shall never lay.

Virg.

VVhy, what said She to thee?

Mat.

Nay, what did She not say? when I told Her, I was To be Her Governess, She roar'd lowder then a Cannon, and had like to have destroy'd me with The artillery of Her high language: She scolded Faster then a Billingsgate Oyster-wench, and rail'd At me with as great a liberty, as an ignorant Phanatick at a stand in his Text, ever did against

The Pope; baited me worse then his Bull could Be at Geneva, and threatn'd, if I but Urg'd the name of Governess, it should be my last.

Virg.

Thou dost belie Her now; I know thou dost: Her nature is more soft, then finest downe; Her behaviour most sweet, and affable, And never guilty of such a rudeness As thou deliver'st. She is not halfe So spleenitive as a Dove; a fish is scarce So silent as she, when She's admonish't. She threaten thee! fie, 'tis impossible: She'd scarce menace a Dog that bites Her.

Mat.

I know not, but am sure I was afraid Of my eyes: and then I did comply, told Her I'd be her servant: She call'd me Baud, old Rottenness, and such language as was beyond The patience of a Stoick. I still bore, gave Her Sweet language, offered to serve her in any secret Of Her dearest love; but still was rated at.

Virg.

It is beyond a miracle; I cannot credit it.

Mat.

Stand but aside, and witness it: I hear Her coming.

Enter Coelia drest like a Puritan.

VVhat, Lady, chang'd your dress?

Coel.

You see, good Governess, the effects of your com∣mands: your counsels have open'd my eyes, and made me see the vanities of youth.

Mat.

You're deceiv'd, dear Mistress; I'd have you brave, gallant, glittering with Jewells, deck't with ribbans, gaudier then the rain-bow.

Coel.

Good Mother, do not trie me with too many and fierce temptations: I am not fully strengthned in faith yet; the Snares of Satan may intrap me.

Mat.

I'the Divells name, how came She chang'd thus?

Coel.

Holy Governess, will you conduct me, according to Your promise, to the Conventicle of Religious Brethren?

Mat.

I promise, sweet Creature, to get thee a Husband, a valiant man.

Coel.

That were irreligious: get me a sanctified Husband, A man of the purest reformation.

Virg.

My Child's spoil'd; the Trot has abus'd me, infus'd Three long points and a halfe of Predestination into Her Head, and made Her as mad as a French Taylor, VVhose brains are whimsied with an inundation Of new fashions. — But I'll hear more.

Coel.

Whereabout stand all the meeting-houses? how Many Lectures are there a week?

Mat.

Are you mad? what have you to do with Lectures And Meeting-Houses? how came you chang'd thus? Did you not ere while abuse me in as imperious A strain as a thrice-married Widow?

Coel.

Goodness forbid! the vanity of my spirit rise in Insurrection against the elder? that were surely Reprobation; by yea and nay, damnation.

Mat.

Out, dissembler! did you not call me Baud, Trot, and other beastly names?

Coel.

Verily you do scandalize the Righteous: but by reve∣lation it was reveal'd to me, that I should suffer; and by in∣spiration I receiv'd it in spirit, that the beginning of my Re∣formation would be a Conflict of warfare and temptation.

Virg

I can contain no longer. — How now, Daughter! No blessing?

Coel.

The sanctified Sisters do not use it, trust me. It is superstitious and abominable in the eyes Of Reformation.

Virg.

Oh my heart! I now begin to feare She's too far gone to be reclaim'd in haste. Daughter, I've brought thee home a brave rich Gowne, Two scollopt Gorgets of the newest cut, And Suites of several fashionable Ribbans: I love to see thee gallant: Virgins still Should be desirous of all novelties.

Coel.

I'll have none, they are the very cobwebs of Satan.

Afflict not my memory with the errors of my Youth; all these vanities are now abominations. Therefore I'll go humble my self, that is, make My self humble, and depress the spirit of Vanity.

Exit.

Virg.

Oh thou VVitch-hagg; either reduce Her from This Phrenzy, or ne'er see my face.

Mat.

I'll use my endeavour, Sir.

Exit.

Virg.

Oh curious foole, that sought to prie into Thy Daughters thoughts! thy curiosity Is now re-paid from a high hand. Heaven Restore my Childe unto Her former wits, — Or else let me restore Her unto you. — Give Her, or take Her: griefs, you are but weak, That cannot make an old man's heart to break.

Scoena Quarta.

Blunt, Virginio, Coelia, Matrona.

Blunt.

HOw cheere you forsooth? my Mistriss, the Lady Your Daughter, I hope She be in health.

Virg.

Never worse, Sir, never worse, Mr. Blunt: However, you shew your love in asking after her.

Blunt.

Truely forsooth it doth afflict me much.

Virg.

Passion will do no good, Mr. Blunt: I did intend You for my Son-in-law; but some hypocritical Varlet hath spoil'd my Daughter; she is not What she was.

Blunt.

Goodness sake, Sir, is she not a maid still?

Virg.

For ought I know; but such a precise Sister She's grown, you'll scarce know her: she has Lost her wit too: you know she was full of Jests, witty girds, for which I lov'd her; now She's the plainest thing!

Blunt.

Trust me I shall like her the better; for her wit

Was a razor to my nature: if she be grown a plain Dealer, let me alone, if down-right dealing Will do it.

Virg.

I am glad it pleases you: I wish you had her: I'm Sure it troubles me, afflicts me much, and so would Any one that loves her think: she'll talk you Twelve hours of Predestination, Reformation, Sanctification, Tribulation, Reprobation, Damnation, and such a spawn of Phanatick Words, that in plain English I think she's mad.

Blunt.

That's another good sign: if she be mad, I shall speak sense enough to Court her; for I Could never have the face, such is my foolish Bashfulness, to speak to a woman in her wits.

Virg.

Then my afflictions are your solace, Sir.

Blunt.

I am of age, forsooth, to know my own inclinati∣ons.

Virg.

Nay, understand me, Sir, I am glad she Pleases you; I thought her a lost childe, a cast-away: But your discretion may reform her.

Blunt.

I warrant you, forsooth, if she will but conform: For look you, I am a man of few words, forsooth; Plain Dealing's a Jewell, that's my Motto: but if she expect Fine finical Phrases, Meteors, and Folligismes.—

Virg.

You mean Syllogismes, and Metaphors.

Blunt.

I do profess I do, forsooth; my meaning's good; and if she'll take me by that, never a shoe-maker in Chri∣stendome can fit her better for down-right dealing.

Virg.

Peace, here she comes; let's observe her.

Enter Coelia, Matrona.

Coel.

Matrona, Fie, it is a scurrilous prophane name: thou Shalt be new dipt, and receive the sanctified name Of Tabitha, and I will be call'd Rachel; yea, Rachel Shall be My appellation. —

Virg.

My Coelia, here's Mr. Blunt, your servant, to kiss

Your hands: what, no answer?

Mat.

Not unless you call her Rachel: Shee's new dipt.

Virg.

Sir, go to her; may be shee'll be asham'd, before you, To play the foole so.

Blunt.

In the mean time, I am such a shamefac'd foole, I cannot speak: in sooth my heart is no bigger then a pins head. Before I saw her, I was as couragious as Hercules; and now my heart's sunk into my belly. A Mouse when the Trap falls is not in such a taking: yet methinks I might speak as many words as Frier Bacons Head: Ma-ma-Madam.

Coel.

Oh fie! abomination! what, do I see the plumes and wings of Gog-magog? Oh the tempter in the shape of an old man, cloath'd in the vanities of youth! I do defie thee, Sa∣tan, I do defie thee; that is, I bid defiance unto thee.

Blunt.

Lord, what a Monster she makes me!

Coel.

By yea and nay, the mark, the brand and flower Of Antichrist are in his idolatrous looks; therefore Will I flie, or, as we say, avoid; that is, shun the Serpent.

Exit.

Virg.

Follow her, Matrona, and work her still: If one means faile, another straight essay: We too, the while, will seek some Doctor out: And now I think on't, Gambugium is For cure of madness very eminent: Come, let's to him; we by experience finde 'Tis hard to cure a diseased minde.

Exeunt.