The religious impostor: or, The life of Alexander a sham-prophet, doctor and fortune-teller. Out of Lucian. Dedicated to Doctor S-lm-n, and the rest of the new religious fraternity of free-thinkers, near Leather-Sellers-Hall. By Sebastian Smith, Esq.

ALEXANDER: OR, The False Prophet.

Out of Lucian.

YOU imposed no small task upon me, my dear Celsus, when you enjoyned me to write the Life of Alexander the pretended Son of Poda∣lirius, * 1.1 which for variety of incidents, is no less famous than that of his Name∣sake Alexander the Great, since the latter has not signalized himself more by his Noble Exploits than the former has done by his well∣managed Impostures. However, out of Compliance with you, I undertake it, and will endeavour to acquit my self of the perfor∣mance as well as I can, provided that you carry a stock of good Nature about you to supply my Defects, and pardon my Infir∣mities. At the same time, I am not without my apprehensions, that the World will be apt to condemn both of us; me for pub∣lishing so many Villianies, and you for putting your Friend upon the Imployment: For tho' the Hero of our Drama justly deserved to have his Carcass torn in pieces by Beasts of his own Complexi∣on; yet few Persons will be so complaisant to his Memory, as to think he deserves to have his Name recorded in History. But if any one shall Attack me upon this Article, I will e'en defend my

self by the example of Arrius, the Disciple of Epictetus, who thought it not below his Learning or Quality to oblige Posterity with the History of a Famous Robber. * 1.2

Behold then, after so authentick a President, the Life of a re∣markable Ravager, not one who made Mountains and Forests the solitary Scene of his Actions, but Towns and Cities, and did not over-run Desarts, but ravaged a whole Empire. To begin with his Description: He was of a good Shape and Mien, a lively Eye, his Complexion black, a clear Voice, a sweet and affable Tone, with a little thin Beard, and some false Hair so dexterously mext with his own, that one could not easily distinguish them. * 1.3Besides this, he was furnished with several good Qualities, quick Apprehension, a tenacious Memory, a great Vivacity of Thought, but these Talents he wholly Consecrated to Mischief, and made no other use of them than to raise him above all those Impostors of cursed Memory, that ever visited the World. He never shew'd a geain of Modesty but once, and that was in a Letter to his Son-in-law Rutilianus, wherein he compared himself with a great deal of Self denial to Pythagoras: But, with Pythagoras's leave be it spoken, if Pythagoras had lived in his Time, he had been but a Pigmy to our Gyant: Not that I wou'd in the least compare that Philosopher to such a profligate Rascal; but only observe, That all that's falsely faid of Pythagoras is not to be named the same Year with what is really true of our Alexander. In short, before you proceed any farther, imagine to your self an abridg∣ment of all sorts of Cheats, Lyes, Perjuries, and Impostures, ac∣companied with a sprightly bold designing Spirit, and carried on by a Person who had the knack of making People believe what∣ever he pleased, but so reserved and cautious, that no body ever parted from him but with this Opinion, That he was certainly one of the Honestest, Godliest Men in the World.

* 1.4Being, as we have described him before, very handsome in his Youth, but miserably Poor; he was obliged, in his own defence, to prostitute

himself to all sorts of Customers, and particularly to a certain Charlatan or Quack that set up for a Conjurer, sold Charms and Philtres, cut Corns at the full of the Moon, Calculated Nativities, helped People to stoln Silver Spoons, and cou'd do a thousand things of the like nature and importance. I must (en passant) do the Fellow so much Justice as to own he was somewhat skill'd in Physick; and that he knew several Receipts, some good and some bad; which is no wonder, for he was one of Apollonius Tyanaeus's Countrymen, and was no Stranger to his Person. You see what a blessed Country our Quack had his Education in, and hence may con∣jecture that he was no little Scoundrel, but a Rascal of good Figure and Address. * 1.5 He observing the quick lively Spirit of our young Alexander, took a great deal of Pleasure in Instructing him, be∣ing as much taken with the Boy's Beauty, as the Boy was with his Master's dextrous way of living, who, in a short time, of a Di∣sciple made him his Companion: By that time Alexander was grown up to Man's Estate, his Tutor and his Face were gone the way of all Tutors and Faces; in plain English his Tutor was dead, and his Beauty was gone, so his Necessities drove him to find out some new extraordinary Project, whereby he might be in a capacity to keep Body and Soul together.

In his Travels he pick'd up a Penny Chronicle-Writer of Byzantium, one of them, whom in Mo∣dern Language we call a Son of Grub-street, one that was a stedfast hardened impenitent Rogue. * 1.6 These two, after some Oath of Secrelie on both sides, beat the Hoof together, and as they marched, Cheated a World of poor ignorant silly People, that had the Misfortune to fall into their Clutches. At last they dropt into the Acquaintance of an old Gentlewoman who had two commendable Qualities; for first she had store of Old Gold by her; and secondly, was of a Temper easie to be imposed upon. She was born at Pella, formerly the Capital City of Macedonia, now in a manner a Desart, and only Inhabited by a few sorry Mechanicks, our two Sparks follow'd her from Bithynia to this place, eating and drinking all the while at her Expence; for why should the Godly Starve, and the Rich only Riot? Being arrived here, and observing a sort of large Serpents, so exceeding tame that they would kiss the Women,

nay, suck their Breasts, and play with the Children without doing them any Mischief (from whence undoubtedly came the Story of Olympias) they bought one, the biggest and the most beautiful they could find, and with no other Stock than this same Animal, and their own assurance, managed all the strange adven∣tures I am going to relate. * 1.7 These two blessed Rake-hells (I beg their Pardon, I should call them Philosophers) observing that Hope and Fear are the two Poles upon which Mankind turns; and indeed the whole Foundation of Curiosity and Superstition, were resolved to make both these Passions further their Ambitious Designs, and so set up an Oracle, which met with a success infinitely above their expecta∣tion. It was some time before they could pitch upon a place where to begin the Farce. Cocconas looked upon the City of Chalcedon to be the properest place for their design, because of the mighty confluence there of the several Nations that lay around it: But Alexander preferr'd his own Country, and al∣ledged for his reason, the great Stupidity and Superstition of the People, (both which you know are very necessary towards the establishment of a new Religion) who no sooner hear of a new upstart Mountebank, but they meet him with beating of Drums, with Flutes and Cymbals; and in short, Worship him as heartily as if they had seen him drop out of the Clouds.

This advice being, after some debate resolved upon, they pri∣vately hid a Copper-Plate in the old Temple of Apollo at Chal∣cedon, whereon was written, That Aesculapius with his Father Apollo, wou'd shortly come and fix his Habitation at Abonoteichos. * 1.8 After this, they so con∣trived matters, that the Plate was found bearing this wonderful Inscription, the news whereof immediately spread it self through all Pontus, Bithynia, and particularly alarm'd the Town above∣named; so that the Godly Inhabitants, in one of their publick Meetings, decreed a Temple to these Gods, and began to lay the Foundation of it. All this while Cocconas turned the Pen∣ny by retailing false and ambiguous Oracles at Chalcedon, but unhappily died in one of his D••un∣ken Debauches; * 1.9 and soon after Alexander succeeds

him in his Function, with his Hair spread at full length about his Shoulders, a Vest of Purple, bordered with White, over all this a Surplice, and in these Formalities pretended to Preach the Will of Heaven to the People. The wretched Paphlagonians, altho' they very well knew both his Father and Mother, who were kept by the Pa∣rish; yet for all that were such incredible Sots as to believe a Lying Oracle, published by our Impostor, in which he called himself the Son of Podalirius, who must certainly have been put to very hard shifts for want of a Bedfellow, if he were forced to come from Trica as far as Paphlagonia, to lie with this Juggler's Mother.

He shamm'd another Oracle upon the People, under the name of one of the Sybill's, wherein he talked of a Deliverer or Restorer, who was speedily to appear; but all this was disguised in such a mystical Jargon, that tho' nothing cou'd be made of it, yet the People fan∣sied some deep Mystery lay at the bottom.

Alexander therefore coming into his own Country, af∣ter these Predictions, you may swear he was followed and respected, and entertained like any God. * 1.10 He feigned himself sometimes to be possessed with a Divine Fury, and by the means of the Root of a certain Herb, commonly called Fuller's Herb, which he chaw'd (as Modern Sir Davy Dunce, in the Play, does his Tobacco) he wou'd foam excessively at the Mouth, which these ignorant Blockheads attributed to the force of the God that possessed him. He had not long before dressed up a Dragon's Head made of Linen Clouts, very much resembling a Mans Face, which was taught to open and shut its Mouth, by the means of some Horse-Hairs. Now this was to act in Concert with the Serpent above∣mentioned, which was to sustain the principal part in the Comedy. A little before he began the Show, he slily conveyed himself to the place where the Founda∣tions of the Temple were a laying, and meeting with

a puddle of Water, he hid a Goose Egg in it, wherein he had inclosed a young Serpent that was but newly hatched.

Next Morning he came all naked to the Market∣place, saving that he wore a Scarf with a Gold Fringe about his Wast, to cover his Nudities, holding an Axe in his hand, and throwing his Hair about his Shoulder, as the Priests of Cybele are used to do. Then mounting upon a high Altar, he began to tell the Mob, how happy the City was in being honoured with the Birth of a God.

At these words, all the People, who had left their Houses to behold so surprising a Spectacle, fell a Pray∣ing and Vow-making like stark mad, while our Reli∣gious Rascal was bantering them in Hebrew or Phoenician, which almost scared them out of the little remainder of their Wits. At last he runs to the place where he had hid his Goose Egg, and entring the Water begins a Te Deum to Apollo and Aesculapius, humbly beseeching the latter to descend and show himself to Men. * 1.11 These words were no sooner pronounced, but he strikes the Water with his Wand, and takes out the mysterious Egg, which had a God inclosed in its Shell; and having it now in his hand, he assures 'em that Aesculapius was come. Every one was attentive to contemplate this pretty Mystery, when our Impostor breaking the Egg-shell, lo! out comes the little Serpent I told you of before, and turned and wound himself nimbly round his Fin∣gers.

'Tis impossible to describe the admiration and joy of the multitude at this wonderful fight: The Skye was filled with Acclamations, Praises, and Thanksgiving: One fell down on his Marrow-bones, and begs the God

to restore him his Health; a second prays to be an Alderman; a third to bury his Wife with all speed; and so on, as their several Inclinations led them.

In the mean time, our Holy Prophet runs home as hard as he cou'd drive, holding this new riggling Divinity in his hands, and follow'd by an infinite press of People, of all Ages and Conditions, who were transported out of their Wits, to think that a God was so kind as to come and take up his Quarters among them.

He locked himself up in his A∣partment, till his God, meaning the Serpent, had arrived to his just length and proportion; and one day, when the tag rag and long tail of Paphlagonia was got there, and his House crammed with People from the Cellar up to the Garret; he seated himself on his Bed in his Prophetick Habit, and holding that great Serpent in his Bosom, which he had brought with him out of Macedonia; he began to show him twining about his Neck, and drawing his long Tail after him. * 1.12 But he purposely hid his Head under his Arm-pits, shewing only the Linnen head, which somewhat resembled that of a Man; so that the Spectators were filled with the greatest surprize imaginable.

We must here remark, That the Chamber was somewhat dark, and that the Company was principally composed of poor senseless Ideots, who were already Cheated out of their little sense and reason by the gibberish and illusions of this Holy Counterfeit. To this we may add, that they did not stay long enough to discover the Cheat, but that as they entered at one door, so they went out at another immediately, to make way for the mighty throng of People that came in perpetually.

This Spectacle continued for some days with∣out intermission; and afterwards was renewed as often as any Person of Quality arrived in those Parts.

We are not therefore to wonder, if the stu∣pid ignorant Mob swallowed his Miracles with so much alacrity, since even those of better understandings could not tell what to think, when they saw and touched a Dragon, who was the other day hatched before their Eyes, grown on a suddain to such a prodigious Great∣ness; and what was the greatest Riddle of all, having the Face of a Man.

An Epicurus, or a Democritus, or, in short, any of the an∣cient Philosophers, who were well versed in nature, would without any difficulty have pronounced it to be a juggle at first sight, altho they could not discover the mystery of the operation: But as all people have not the luck to be Philo∣sophers, the Inhabitants of Bythinia, Galatia, and Thrace went in shoals to satisfie their eye-sight with those Miracles, of which Fame had already made such prodigious relations. * 1.13 His Picture was sold every where, with Statues of Silver and Copper, after the life. Nay, an Oracle was publish∣ed, which foretold his name, and stiled him, Glycon, the third of the race of Jupiter, who brought light to men. * 1.14 So then our Impostor finding a favourable opportunity for his pur∣pose, sets up for an Oracle-monger, and sells his Predictions for Money; following the example of Amphilochus, who after the death of his father Amphiaraus, being ejected out of Thebes, withdrew into Asia, where he told the Barbarians their for∣tune for two-pence apiece. * 1.15To bring this about, he in forms the people that the God was inclined to answer all manner of questions himself at such an appointed time; and that they should write down whatever they demanded a re∣solution for, in a Letter sealed up. * 1.16 Then shutting himself in, the Sanctuary of the Temple, which by this time was fi∣nished, he caused all those persons who had given in their Let∣ters to be called in order one after another, and there to have 'em restored to them again sealed up as they were at first, with the Gods answer. It would have been an easie matter for a man of a tolerable capacity to have found out the Cheat, but these Sots did not perceive that he unsealed the Letters in private, and after he had inclosed what answer seem'd fittest for him, returned them back to their respective own∣ers, sealed exactly as at first. For there are an hundred ways of breaking open a Letter, without doing any injury to the Impression; and I shall here set down one or two of them, that so for the future meer slight of hand may not pass for a Miracle. In the first place, one may with a hot Needle disjoin the Wax that fastens the Thread to the Letter, and not do the least damage to the Seal, so that after he has read as much as he-pleases, he may rejoyn it as it was before. * 1.17

There is likewise ••••other invention, which is as follows: The party takes Lime and Glue; or else a Mastic composed of Pitch, Wax, and Bitumen, mingled with the powder of a very transparent Stone. Of these ingredients he makes a Ball, upon which, when it is as yet soft and tender, he takes the impression of the Seal, after he has gently rubb'd it with Oyl or Hogs-grease: for it hardens in a moment, and will serve to seal the Letter again full as well as the very Seal. There are several other Secrets of the like nature, my dear friend, which it is not necessary for me to acquaint you with, since you have made mention of them in your Treatise of the Ar∣tifice of the Magicians, which is an excellent Book, and very serviceable to undeceive those ignorant people, who are so apt to be abused by their own credulity. But to re-assume our story.

Having thus set up for himself, he used the greatest address and dexterity he was master of, for fear of being found out in his Roguery; * 1.18 and to that end always entrenched himself behind obscure and ambiguous answers, according to the custom of all Oracle-mongers. One while he encouraged, and at another time disswaded people from such and such enterprizes, as he saw most convenient: Sometimes he pre∣scribed certain Remedies, or a course of Physick to the fick; for to give him his due, he knew several pretty Secrets in that Science. As for what related to successions and inheri∣tances, he ever took care to delay his answers to such questi∣ons, referring them to a better opportunity, or till his Pro∣phet was in humour; for this impudent Visionary always personated the God, and spoke in his name. His price was about 12 pence for every Oracle, which amounted to a consi∣derable sum, for he retailed threescore or fourscore thousand of them in a year. Nor are we to wonder at it, for the people were so besotted with these fooleries, (as 'tis the nature of the two legg'd herd to run after novelties, and be inquisitive of future things) that the same person made sometimes a dozen or fifteen demands, at twelve pence apiece for each of them; for it was not allowed them to put up two in the same Billet. But all the Money he received did not go immediately to his own Coffers, for he maintained abundance of Officers under him, some of whom put the Oracles into Verse, others sub∣scribed

them, or sealed them, or interpreted them, or kept them; and every one had a Salary proportionable to his place and merits.

Besides this, he had his Spys and Emissaries in the remotest Countries, who spread the reputation of his Oracle in all places, assuring the people that it foretold things to come, discovered hidden treasures, helped the right owners to what they had lost, healed the sick, and in fine did ten times more than can be expected. * 1.19 Multitudes flocked to him from all parts with sacrifices and presents, as well for the God, as for the Prophet; for in one of his Oracles he commanded them to be kind to his Minister, as having little need of their Offer∣ings himself. No sooner had several men of Worth and Learn∣ing discovered the deceit, and particularly some Philosophers of Epicurus's sect, but he endeavored all he could to affright 'em, crying aloud that all the Country was over-run with Christians and impious Persons, who raised Calumnies against him, and commanded the People to stone them, if they had a mind to ingratiate themselves with the God. * 1.20 Being once demanded, how it fared with Epicurus in the other world, he replied, that he was duckt over Head and Ears in a nasty Puddle, and loaded with Chains of Lead. The reason is plain, he owed him a spight for laying open all these Villa∣nies and Impostures, that walk up and down the world, un∣der the pretence of Religion: But Plato, Chrysippus and Py∣thagoras were his good Friends. He had a particular aversion to the City of Amastris upon the account of some of Lepidus's acquaintance there, as also of several Epicurean Philosophers, and would never return an answer from his Oracle to any of its Inhabitants. But happening once to return one to the Pro∣consul's brother there, he made but a mock of him, ordering him to take a Hogs foot and some Mallows, for a pain in his stomach, and that in such ridiculous terms that no body could tell what he meant. Whether it were because he had none of his Officers at that instance near him to compose the Oracle, or because he could not tell what answer to make.

In the mean time he frequently showed the Serpent to those that had a mind to see him, but he still kept the head of it in his own bosom, and would not permit them to touch any part of it but his body and his tail. Having a design one day

to improve his imposture, he told them that Aesculapius would answer visibly, and this he called Answers from the Gods own mouth. He effected this by the help of a Cranes sinews, dex∣terously placed in the Dragons head which was made of Lin∣nen, and served in stead of Organs to carry the voice of a man, who stood in the next room; but this Trick was not to be shown every day, and was principally calculated for Per∣sons of Condition. The answer he made to Severian, con∣cerning the enterprize of Armenia, was of this number: in which he promised him Victory, but after his Defeat, he sub∣stituted another in the room of it, which seemed to disswade him from this attempt. The truth on't is, he had impudence enough to correct his Oracles, when they did not succeeed, and if it so fell out that he promised health to a sick party who afterwards happened to dye, he published another quite con∣trary to the former.

However to gain the good graces of the Brotherhood, as Mallus, Claros and Didyma, where their Oracles told full as many ••es as his own, he frequently commanded his Querists to consult them, but especially when he was hard put to it, and had a mind to evade a pinching Question. * 1.21 Thus I have told you what passed in those places that were near his habi∣tation, but when once his Reputation was spread in Italy and Rome, every one almost either visited or sent to him and par∣ticularly men of the first Rank, and such as were interested in their Prince's favour. The chief of these was Rutilianus, who had signalized himself on several occasions, and was a very honest Gentleman, but so excessively superstitious that he could not for bear kneeling before all the stones he met on the road, upon which any effusion had been made, or a Garland placed. * 1.22 He was once in a mind to quit the Army, which he commanded at that time, to make our Impostor a visit at his own house, but upon second considerations, dispatched Messengers upon Messengers thither. As the persons he sent were only Varlets, it was no difficult matter to deceive them, and these Blockheads still adding new lies to those which their Fellows told before them, in order to make their relations the more agreeable, it increased his passion, and gave new vigor to his curiosity.

In the mean time being acquainted with most of the consi∣derable Persons of Rome, he recounted to them all that had been reported to him, and as the custom of the world is, mingled something of his own invention, to make the Legend more entertaining. * 1.23 So that he fill'd the whole Town with these Impostures, and engaged abundance of his friends to consult the Oracle to know their fortune. They were very kindly received by our Prophet, who made them several Presents, that at their return they might speak well of him, and publish his praise. He made use of another trick, and that was this; if after he had perused their questions, he found some of them too bold, he kept the Billet without returning any answer to it, to have it as a pledge for the fidelity of the person that sent it; who by this means was constrained to keep fair with this Rascal, instead of complain∣ing of him.

And here I have a fit opportunity to recount to you some of the Answers he made to Rutilianus. This Nobleman having demanded of him, What sort of Master he should place over his Son? he answered, in ambiguous terms, as your Rascally Oracles have always used to do, Pythagoras and Homer. * 1.24 But the Child dying some time after this, and our Fortune-teller being in some pain how to defend his Ora∣cle, Rutilianus help'd to put the Cheat upon himself, and gave out that he had foretold the death of his Son, in as∣signing him for his Masters those that were out of the World. At another time the same Nobleman having asked him, ac∣cording to the doctrine of Pythagoras, what he had been be∣fore he was what he is now, and lastly, what would become of him hereafter? He told him that he had been Achilles, then Menander, and that he would become a ray of the Sun after he had lived a hundred and fourscore years. But for all that he died of Melancholy at the Age of seventy, contra∣ry to the direct promise of the Oracle, altho' it seemed to be one of the most authentic it ever uttered. Rutilianus en∣tertaining thoughts of a second Marriage, our Prophet offered him his Daughter, whom he pretended to have be∣gotten of the Moon who fell in Love with him, as she did in the days of Yore with Endimion, and commanded him

to marry her. All which he did without any farther con∣sideration, after he had offered some Hecatombs to his Mo∣ther in Law, and thought himself already made free of Heaven.

After this mighty success, our Impostor fell upon higher designs, and dispatched Messengers into all Countries with his Oracles, admonishing some Cities to preserve themselves from Plagues, some from Fire, and others from Earthquakes; with a promise to send them effectual Remedies, to pre∣vent all these dismal accidents. * 1.25 He likewise published an Oracle, as if it had immediately proceeded from the God's own mouth, to serve as a preservative against a Contagion which then raged with extreme violence. One might have seen it written on the doors of most Houses, being supposed to be a Soveraign remedy against this calamitous distemper; but by misfortune these Houses were first visited with it, be∣cause out of a vain confidence or security they neglected their own preservation.

He had several Setters at Rome, who acquainted him with the humour and inclination of all the great men there; and sent him before-hand all the Questions they intended to ask him when they arrived thither, that he might have leisure enough to prepare his Answers. * 1.26 He also established a sort of Society or Fraternity, where they carried lighted Torches in their hands, with diverse Ceremonies, that lasted three days. On the first, Proclamation was made as they do at Athens, If there be here any Epicurean, or Christian, or impious person, who comes on purpose to ridicule our mysteries, let him im∣mediately withdraw: but let the faithful be initiated, and not lose the opportunity. Then he marched at the head of them, crying aloud, Christians be gone; and all the multitude an∣swered, Away Epicureans. After this they celebrated Latona's lying in, with the birth of Apollo and the marriage of Coronis; all which was followed with the arrival of Aesculapius. On the second day was solemnized the nativity of Glycon, and on the third the Marriage of Podalirius and the Mother of our Prophet, and then the Torches were all lighted, from whence the whole Ceremony borrowed its name. There

were likewise represented the Amours of our Prophet and the Moon, of whom the Wife of Rutilianus was born, and he composed himself to sleep in the midst of the Ceremony like another Endimion. At the same time a handsom Lady descended down from a Machine who represented the Moon, She was Wife to the Deputies Steward, and had the Impu∣dence in her Husbands presence to kiss and embrace our holy Impostor, and perhaps the affair had been carried farther, if it had not been for the Company, for 'tis well known that they had no aversion one to the other.

At another time he made his appearance in his Pontifical Habits, * 1.27 keeping at first great silence, and then cried out all on the sudden Io Glycon, to which a large Chorus of Musiti∣ans answered Io Alexander, followed by the Heralds of the Country, who were huge lusty Clod pates, in Fantastic Garbs. All this while as the procession passed along with Flambeaux, and many misterious antick gestures, he took care ever and anon to discover his golden thigh, which he did to Counterfeit Pythagoras, and effected it, as I imagine, by the means of a gilt skin, that made a glittering, reflexion by the light of the Torches. This business raised a mighty debate between two Philosophers, viz. whether he had not the Soul of Pythagoras as well as his Thigh, but it was referred to the decision of his Oracle, which answered that the Soul of Pythagoras arose and died from time to time, whereas that of our Prophet, was immortal, and of Divine extraction.

Altho he forbid the love of Boys as damnable and detest∣able yet he commanded the Cities of Pontus and Paphlagenia to send him such to consult his Oracle, and sing the Praises of his God. * 1.28 In persuance of this Order they sent him eve∣ry third year Boys born of good Parentage, and the hand∣somest they could find, whom this Pious Letcher made use of in his secret Pleasures. He had established a pleasant custom, which was, that none should presume to kiss him if they were above eighteen years old: by which politic he only kissed those that were young, whom for this reason he was used to call his kissing Children. As for other People he he gave them his hand to kiss.

Behold after what a prodigious manner he abused these poor believing wretches, who took it for a great favour to see him caress their Wives and Children: Nay some of the women openly boasted that they were with Child by him, and forced their Husbands to witness as much. * 1.29But setting aside such stories, I will here relate to you a Dialogue be∣the God and a Priest of ••••o, whose inclinations you'l be able to guess at by his answers, as I my self did, who read the whole passage at his House.

* 1.30 Question.Tell me, John Case, who art thou?

Answer. I am the new Dr. Saffold.

Q. Art thou Dr. Saffold himself, or some body else that resem∣bles him?

Answ. It is not permitted to reveal these Misteries.

Q. How many years wilt thou continue here to give Oracles near Ludgate?

A. More than a dozen.

Q. Where dost thou intend to go after that?

A. To White-Fryers, then to Moor-fields, to honour the Out-skirts of the Town with my presenc.

Q. Are the Oracles of Gadbury, Dr. Partridge, and Poor Robin true Oracles?

A. Don't desire to know forbidden things.

Q. What shall I drink when I go from hence?

A. First Flip, then Cherry-brandy, next Sherry and Sugar, next Brandy and Gun-powder, and lastly a Dose of Liquid Brimstone to fettle your Stomack for Eternity to prevent any farther curdling of Conscience, or Paultry pukes of Grace:

This was the sum and substance of the fine Conversation between them. * 1.31 But our Quack knowing this Priest to be a Friend of Lepidus, he must needs trump up an Oracle to pre∣vent all future correspondence between them, in which he presended that Lepidus threatned to put him to a cruel death: For he feared Epicurus and his Followers, as being sworn Enemies to his impostures, so that he employed all his efforts to get a poor Epicurean trussed up, who had the hardiness to reproach him, with causing several innocent persons to be put to death by the means of his lying Oracle, which happened after this manner.

He had advised a certain man of that Country, * 1.32 to accuse his Slaves before the Governor of that Province, as accessory to the death of his Son, who sailing up the Nile, was per∣swaded to go as far as the Indies, without saying a word of the matter to his People, whom he left behind him at Alexandria. These Fellows bearing no news of their young Master, gave him for dead, and so returned home to his Father, who accused them, as I told you, before the Proconsul of Galatia, at the instigation of this Oracle, and had them hanged for it. Some time after the execution was over, and the poor Wretches dispatched into another world, comes home the dead Son who justified their Innocence, but now there was no remedy for what was past. Our Prophet not being able to endure the many just reproaches that were made him upon this score, commanded those that were about him to stone the Accuser, unless they were minded to be his Accomplices; and the Mob had most assuredly done as they were bidden, if one Demonstratus who happened to be upon the spot had not immediately rescued him. As for my self, I should not have complained much, had the business taken effect; for why the Devil should a man of sense hazard his life to undeceive a parcel of Sots that don't deserve it.

He did another thing, which occasioned no less clamor. It was his fortune to light upon a book that contained the principal doctrines of Epicurus. * 1.33 'Tis in my mind one of the noblest remainders of antiquity, and purges our Souls of its infirmities much better than all the Ceremonies of Purification;

for it not only heals and cures us of our extravagant passions, but delivers us from all superstition, and those vain fantoms that fright us out of our Senses. Having found this book, as I have already told you; he publickly burnt it, after he had forged an Oracle to countenance the business, and threw the ashes into the Sea. But now prepare to hear the most impu∣dent untruth that ever was uttered.

As he had got his admission into the Court, by the means and interest of his Son in-law Rutilianus, * 1.34 he sent an Oracle to the Emperor Marcus Aurelius, who was at that time making War in Germany, wherein he commanded him to throw two Lions into the Danube with several Ceremonies, giving him an assurance of an immediate Peace, which should be pre∣ceeded by a remarkable Victory. These Lions crossing the River were killed by the Enemy, and soon after the Barbari∣ans defeated the Romans, who had like to have lost Aquileia, after the total overthrow of Twenty Thousand of their men. But this hardened Villain to save his Bacon made use of Apollo's Artifice to Croesus, pretending that he had rightly foretold a great Victory, but never declared the name of the Con∣queror.

Now vast Multitudes of People flocking to him from all parts, and the smaliness of the City, where he lived, not being able to contain such prodigious numbers, much less to feed them, he invented Night Oracles, for so the Beast named them, which he managed as follows. * 1.35 After he had received his Questions he went to sleep, and gave out that he was informed in a Dream of the Answer he was to make, which was always either doubtful or obscure especially when the Letter was too accurately sealed to be opened without dan∣ger. In such cases he generally returned the first Answer that came into his Head, either because such a conduct looked most like that of other Oracles, or because it brought him in the greatest grist to his Mill: for he had several Interpreters about him to explain these Night. Oracles, each of whom pre∣sents him yearly with a Talent by way of recompence, in∣stead of receiving any appointment from him.

Sometimes when he had no body to consult him, he forged new Oracles to amuse the Sots, * 1.36 as for instance this, which says, Search the Prentice in whom thou confidest most, for to re∣venge the injuries thou hast done him, he carries a Pen Knife in his Pocket, and lest thou shouldst discover it, thy Wife Kate and He design to swear thee into a Plot, by the same token that thy maid Joan is an accomplice. Who is the Democritus that wou'd not have been imposed upon, after so many circumstances? but he was immediately laughed out of the trick after it was once discovered. If a Question was put to him in a strange Language, he deferred the Answer to gain time to return it in the same Tongue; and when he had no body to help him off at such a pinch, he was obliged to make a vertue of ne∣cessity, and answer it in his own, as once he did when he said, Stranger return into thy own Country, for he that has sent thee hither waas murdered yesterday by John a Stiles, and the Assassinates are all in the Gazette.

I must now beg leave to recount some of the Oracles, which he was pleased to communicate to my self. * 1.37 One day when I had enquired of the God (and 'twas a question not easy to be resolved) whether his Prophet was in a milk dyet or no, he answered me in his hum drum way, Tom Thumb Son to William Thumb, and Nephew to Adoniram Thumb the Grocer has sold himself to a Tobacco Plantation. At another time having writ the same demand in several Pillets, all which were brought to him from different places, that he might mistrust nothing, he ordered me in his Answer to visit the Bagnio in Covent-garden, and forbear Claret, having been deceived by the Fellow that brought him the Billet; who told him that I asked a Remedy against pissing of Needles. Nevertheless my Question was, who stood Godfather to the Monument. In another, with∣out taking the least notice of the Monument or Fish-street hill, he very gravely forbad me to call at Putney, being in like manner bantered by the Footman who presented him the Billet, and assured him that I only enquired which was the best way for me to return to back to Moreclack.

I bethought my self of several other inventions to discover his Roguery, as for instance, to put only one demand in a * 1.38

Billet, and to pay as if there were several tack'd together, for his custom was to give you just so many Oracles as you paid Shillings, and these had no manner of relation either to themselves, or to the Question. Having therefore manifestly discovered the juggle, I used all my endeavors to disengage Rutilianus from any alliance with him, which made the lying Bard conceive a mortal hatred against me, and he was not unmindful to quit scores with me as soon as he saw a fair op∣portunity. For when Rutilianus consulted the Oracle con∣cerning me, he answered, That I loved young Boys, and forbid∣den Pleasures. I remember I went to see him once, having two Souldiers in my company which the Governour of the Province, who was my very good friend, sent along with me, lest he should do me a mischief. As soon as he heard of my arrival, he dispatched one of his Servants to invite me to his house, and in appearance received me with great civility. Nevertheless I so perfectly hated him for his damn'd Villanies and Cheats, that when he gave me his hand to kiss, I could not forbear biting it, and that with so good a Stomach, that 'tis strange he did not set his Myrmidons upon me to teach me better manners, by knocking out my brains; and so much the rather, because I called him by his name, without giving him the title of Doctor to usher it in.

To say the truth, this old Rascal bore the affront with wonderful patience; * 1.39 he told me he had a mind to show me that his God could calm the most outragious Spirits: After this, making signs for the company to withdraw, he com∣plained of me for endeavouring to make a breach between him and Rutilianus; telling me I took very wrong measures to quarrel with the man who was in a capacity to make my Fortune when he pleased. I seemed to listen very attentive∣ly to his discourse, to save my self from the danger that threatned me, and departed in very good terms from him, which still more and more astonished the standers by.

Resolving at last to embark, he sent me several presents, furnished me with a Felucca and men to row her; * 1.40 which made me believe that he design'd to gain me over to his party by this extraordinary favour. When we were got far enough from any shore, I perceived the Bilot weeping, and disputing it very earnestly with the Sea-men. This alarm'd

me with distrust of my safety, and so much the more, be∣cause I had but one of my Servants with me, having sent back the rest to Amastris with my Father. I enquired what was the occasion of the dispute? and he told me, That being now old, and having always behaved himself like an honest man, he was not willing in the last scene of his life to sully all with a wicked action, nor expose his Wife and Children to divine vengeance. When I still prest him to tell me what was the matter, he confest that he had orders to throw me over board. Upon this information I desired him to set me ashore at the next Port; where meeting with some Ambas∣sadors, who were going to carry their yearly Tribute to the Emperour, I told them my adventure, which made that im∣pression upon them, that they gave me room in their Vessel, and landed me safe at Amastris.

After the Villain had served me this Dog trick, I declared open War against him, and was upon the point of summon∣ing him before his betters, as several other Gentleme•• were ready to do; * 1.41 but the Governour of the Province earnestly desired me to let the business fall; adding, that tho I should discover never so many of his Impostures, yet so long as the Rascal had Rutilianus's ear, it would signifie just nothing; for whilst he was in credit with a person of his quality, the Law would never reach him. This advice prevailed with us to desist. But to pursue my History: What an intollera∣ble insolence was it in our Quack, to petition the Emperour to change the name of the City, and call it Ionopolis? Or who can ever forgive a Scoundrel of his infamous Character, for ordering Medals to be stampt, bearing the figure of a Serpent on one side, and his own on the reverse, with the arms of Aesculapius, and the Ax of Perseus, from whom he pretends himself to be descended on the Mothers side? * 1.42

In fine, (for I am abominably weary with raking this Dung∣hill so long) he foretold that he should dye by a Thunder∣clap, like Aesculapius, after the term of a hundred and fifty years; * 1.43 but for all his Predictions, he perished miserably be∣fore he had fully compleated seventy of them, of a nasty pu∣rulent Ulcer in his Leg, which seized upon all his lower parts, and filled him with innumerable vermin. At this time it was first known that our sham Prophet was bald, when the

Chyrurgeons applied Plaisters to his Head, to asswage the pai••. Behold the Catastrophe of this Emperic, which was but a just punishment for his other crimes. He wants no∣thing now but an Epitaph and a Successor worthy of him; but I my self dare pretend to Prophecy so far, as to affirm that he must be content to go without both, and that for the same reason: for as no Epitaph can possibly be made bad enough to be worthy of him, so no Villain now living can plead merit, that is, Villany enough to entitle him to his Mantle. Nature as well demands time to breathe after she has form'd an accomplish'd thorough pac'd Rogue, as after she has made a perfect Hero. Perhaps some dozen ages hence, and in a distant Climate, a person may arise with all his qua∣lifications and endowments; * 1.44 but till then we must not expect such a Phoenix: she has exhausted all her store in our Alexan∣der, and must be allowed sufficient time to recruit herself, before she can afford to produce another.

* 1.45Thus, my dear Celsus, I have given you the abridgment of this Impostors Life; which I undertook partly to gratifie your Curiosity, and partly to disabuse some well meaning persons, who have been imposed upon by him in his life time. Tho it was a nauseous employment, yet I was not able to re∣fuse it either to your friendship, or the profound esteem which I have of your probity; not to mention the greatness of your merits, and your love for truth, which are topics too bril∣lant, to be handed in so inconsiderable and short-liv'd a Paper as this.

Notes

• * 1.1

  For so he called himself.
• * 1.2

  As lately one of the greatest Orna∣ments of our Na∣tion has condescended to write the Life of Et caetera Young.
• * 1.3

  So was Mahomet, and so were most of the new Religion-Founders; for without that the•• could never h••••e to 〈◊〉〈◊〉∣ceed with their best Clients the Women.
• * 1.4

  His Education.
• * 1.5

  As Notorious an Impostor as our Alexander.
• * 1.6

  He took one Coc∣conas for his Companion.
• * 1.7

  Who pretended to have been obliged (the Ladies know my meaning) by a Serpent.
• * 1.8

  That was the Cities Name where our Im∣postor was born.
• * 1.9

  Cocconas dies.
• * 1.10

  His Reception when he came to his own Country.
• * 1.11

  Aesculapius, the God of Medicine was re∣presented by the Anci∣ents, under the shape of a Serpent, with a human Head, as appears by several Medals, and a Bass-relief still extant.
• * 1.12

  He publickly shows the Serpent, pretend∣ing it was Aescula∣pius himself.
• * 1.13

  Having estab∣lished his Repu∣tation amongst the People be sets up an Oracle.
• * 1.14

  By himself to be sure.
• * 1.15

  No Penny, no Oracle.
• * 1.16

  Cheap enough of all conscien••e.
• * 1.17

  That was the old way. Hence the Phrase li∣num incidere, to break open a Letter.
• * 1.18

  His caution in telling of For∣tunes.
• * 1.19

  No Cheat to be carried on with∣out assistance.
• * 1.20

  This has been the artifice of corrupt Priest∣hood in all Ages and Countries, to set the Mobb upon the Disco∣verers of their wicked designs and so to have them knocked in the head for Gods sake.
• * 1.21

  Rogues will al∣ways collogue with one ano∣ther.
• * 1.22

  This was fre∣quently practised by the devouter sort of Pagans, as we may see at the beginning of Minutius Fe∣lix.
• * 1.23

  Rutilianus helps to carry on the cheat.
• * 1.24

  A true Church trick for they ge∣nerally reserve a loop-hole for themselves to creep out of.
• * 1.25

  A Quack this last year in Barkshire sold Pills to the Country People to preserve them from Earth∣quakes.
• * 1.26

  He institutes a religious proces∣sion.
• * 1.27

  Our Sham Pro∣phet would have made a good Master of the ceremonies to the Pope.
• * 1.28

  'Tis no new thing for the Priesthood to preach agalnst the things they recommend by their practice.
• * 1.29

  The true reason why the women were always so fond of the Ec∣clesiastics.
• * 1.30

  A plesant Dia∣logue between a Priest and the Oracle.
• * 1.31

  Who put no great Faith in his Miracles.
• * 1.32

  Here is a Spe∣cimen of Reli∣gion's Mercy.
• * 1.33

  In a fit of Zeal he sentences an Epicurean book to the Flames.
• * 1.34

  A true trimming Court Divine will never be in the wrong.
• * 1.35

  Our Prophet has more Strings to his Bow than one.
• * 1.36

  How strangely be abuses the credulity of the People.
• * 1.37

  Lucian puts the Doctor upon the Oracle.
• * 1.38

  There are more ways to the VVood than one.
• * 1.39

  It is not always convenient for a man to discover his designs.
• * 1.40

  Oh the great Bowels of your Pretenders to Santship!
• * 1.41

  Lucian resolves to be even with him, but is dis∣suaded.
• * 1.42

  These Medals are to be seen in Dr. Spon's xxi. Dissertation.
• * 1.43

  The miserable end of this Juggler.
• * 1.44

  ☞
• * 1.45

  The Conclusion.