A discourse concerning trouble of mind and the disease of melancholly in three parts : written for the use of such as are, or have been exercised by the same / by Timothy Rogers ... ; to which are annexed, some letters from several divines, relating to the same subject.

CHAP. IV.

Shewing what dreadful apprehensions a soul has, that is under desertion; and in several respects how very sad an dole∣ful its condition is, from the Author's own Experience.

THE next thing I design to insist upon is, To shew that the time of God's forsaking of a soul, is a very dark and mournful time; 'tis not only night, but a weeping, stormy night; and it may not be unuseful to you, who have, it may be, hitherto lived in the beams and chearful light of day, to know what passes in this forrowful and doleful night: And in this matter, I will not borrow Information from

others, but give you My own Experi∣ence.

1. In this night the deserted soul it overwhelmed with continual thoughts of the Holiness, and Majesty, and Glory of the Lord; nor does it think of him with any manner of delight, according to that of Asaph, Psal. 77.3. I remembred God, and was troubled; I complained, and my spirit was over∣whelmed. And in how deplorable a Case is such a Soul, that cannot think of its God and its Creator, but with grief and sorrow! That fixes upon nothing in him, but his terrible and severe Attributes! In other Cases, when a Man is distressed on Earth, and beholds vexation and disquiet there, he can lift up his eyes to∣wards Heaven, and see joy and comfort for him there; but in this woful Case, there is neither the light of the Sun, the Moon, or the Stars, for many days; the face of God is hid and covered with a dreadful Cloud, Job 31.23. De∣struction from God was a terror to me; and because of his highness, I could not endure.

Secondly, The deserted soul in this mournful night does look upon God at its enemy; and as inten∣ding its hurt and ruin by the sharpness of his dispensations; and this makes it to be incapa∣ble of receiving any consolation from the Crea∣tures; for will it say to them, Alas, if God be mine enemy, as I apprehend him to be, which of you can be my friend? I have a dreadful sound of his displeasure in my ears, and which of you can bring me any glad tidings? If his power, his Irresistible power be against me, who can keep off the killing-blow! Job 19.6. Know

now that God hath overthrown we; and hath compas∣sed me with his net; he hath fenced up my way that I cannot pass, and he hath set darkness in my paths. And so v. 9, 10, 11. and Psal. 88.7. Thy wrath lyeth hard upon me, and thou hast afflicted me with all thy waves. If in such desertion, God were ap∣prehended to be upon a design of the future happiness and welfare of the soul, it would bear up with courage, or with hope; but ha∣ving no such belief, it must needs sink and lan∣guish. The stroke that wounds us in such a case, is the more painful, as edged with a sense of wrath. Psal. 102.9, 10. I have eaten ashes like bread, and mingled my drink with weeping, because of thine indignation and thy wrath, for thou hast lift∣ed me up, and cast me down▪ Thus does the weep∣ing person vent his sorrows. God never gives to his people such a bitter Cup, but he mingles love and mercy with it; but alas; I taste no∣thing but gall and wormwood, nothing but mi∣sery and vexation: He is with his people, but he has forsaken me, he has cast me into a fiery fur∣nace, where I am daily burnt and scorcht, and he is not with me there: He is unto me as a Roaring Lion, and who can turn away his pow∣erful wrath! Ruth 1.20. The Almighty hath dealt very bitterly with me. I have often heard, that it is a terrible thing to fall into the hands of the Living God, and I now find it to be so; all the wrath of men is nothing to his; one frown of his is more intolerable than all their rage and persecution. Job 16.12, 13, 14. I was at ease, but he hath broken me asunder, he hath also taken me by my neck, and shaken me to pieces, and set me

up for his mark, his Archers compass me round a∣bout; he cleaveth my reins asunder, and doth not spare; he poureth out my gall upon the ground, Job 10.16, 17. Oh what anguish, what desolation is caused in the soul by such thoughts as these! I dare not, says the mourning person, look up to Heaven, for there I see how great a God I have against me; I dare not look into his word, for there I see all his threats as so many barbed arrows to strike me to the heart: I dare not look into the Grave, because thence I am like to have a doleful Resurrection: And what can a poor Creature do, that apprehends the Almigh∣ty to be his enemy? It is a common thing to say, why do you so lament and mourn? you have ma∣ny mercies left, many friends that pray for you, and that pity you; Alas! what help is there in all this, it God himself be gone! nothing is then lookt upon as a mercy. And as for the prayers of others, will the distressed person say, they can do me no good, unless I have faith, and I find I have none at all; for that would purifie and cleanse my heart, and I do nothing else but sin; and God, as he is holy, must set himself against me his Enemy.

3ly, In this doleful night, the soul hath no evi∣dence at all of its former grace; so that in this night, the Sun is not only set, but there is not one Star appears; such an one looks upon him∣self as altogether void of the Grace of God; he looks upon all his former duties to have been insincere or hypocritical; he feels his heart hard∣ned at present, and concludes that it was never tender; finds himself at present listless and in∣disposed,

and concludes that he never had any true life and motion, and expresses his sorrows after this, or the like manner: I thought I had belong'd to God, but now I find I am none of his: I thought I had been upright, but now I see I was mistaken; the storm is come, and that house that I built upon the sand, is now washt away; those that are Christ's, he will enable to persevere to the end; but I am fallen from grace; I am an Apostate; if I had any share in the Intercession of the Great Redeemer, he would not leave me thus sad and desolate. I thought that I had been planted in his Vine∣yard, and brought forth fruit, but now I am cut down as a barren tree: Oh, how greatly have I been deceived, that imagined my self to be an Heir of Heaven, and am now seizd with the pangs of Hell! I now see that I was never right, never born again, never renewed by the Spirit, never changed from death to life. And Oh what will become of me, that flattered my own soul to ruin! that thought my self safe when I was not; and well when I was diseased! To come to misery after I thought so long of hap∣piness is a double misery: I am like, after all my prayers, my endeavours, and my hopes, to be a Reprobate, and a cast-away. And such a soul concludes it self to be in a condition much more dangerous than they are, that never named the name of Christ, nor ever pretended to Religi∣on, because it reckons their misery will be much more tollerable than its own; it judges it self to be an Hypocrite, and then all the threats that are made against such, do every moment

overwhelm it with inexpressible confusion. Thus the Graces of the Spirit, and the former fruits of holiness, are not discerned in this sad and mournful night.

Fourthly, During this sadness, the soul cannot thinly of Christ himself with any comfort. For thus it argues; He will be a Saviour to none but those that believe; I have no faith, and therefore he will be no Saviour to me; he that is to his Ser∣vants as the Lamb of God, will be to me as the Lion of the Tribe of Judah; he that deals gent∣ly with them, will tear me to pieces. I have heard of his sufferings and his death; but if his blood has not cleansed and purified me, I am like to perish for all that. I heard his voice, and I dis∣obeyed it; I heard his Gospel, and did not im∣prove it, and now even the glad tidings of Sal∣vation are not so to me: I did not know in the long day that I had, the things that belong'd unto my peace, and now they are hid from mine eyes. Now I have to deal with the great and the dreadful God himself, and I have none to plead my cause. Oh how can I resist his power, or bear his wrath! Christ indeed call∣ed me, but I did not open to him, and now he calls no more; he seems to be angry and en∣raged against me for my disobedience; and tho I have cried sometimes, Have mercy on me, thou Son of David! he passes away, and does not re∣gard my cryes. And, O what shall I do when he comes in the Clouds of Heaven, when I am to stand at his Bar, and to be punished as an un∣believer! To others, that will be a day of Re∣freshment; but what will it be to me! the

thoughts of it are now amazing! And thus by a sense of unbelief the deserted soul is plunged in the waves, and sees no way of escape; and by this Unbelief it thinks of God as absolutely considered, and the thoughts of him are as ter∣rible as if there were no Mediator; and it is continually saying, I have all my sins to answer for, and have none to undertake for me; I am condemned, and have none to procure a par∣don and salvation for me.

Fifthly, In this Night the soul is full of terror; and how can it be otherwise, when every thought of God, and of Christ, overwhelms it! Job 6.4. For the arrows of the Almighty are with∣in me, the poyson whereof drinketh up my spirit; the terrors of God do set themselves in array against me. Such arrows that are shot by an Almighty arm, with a great power and force, they must needs, being so directed, pierce very deep; deep and painful must the wounds be that a God makes; and then they are poysoned arrows too, that being dipt in his wrath, inflame the wounds they make, and put the distressed person into pain and anguish inexpressible. Night is a time of terror, especially in commo∣tions, uproars, and the like mischiefs, Psal. 91.5. and in this night it is much more so, when a mans own Conscience discharges a thousand accusations against him for his guilt; for then every sin gives a blow; and altogether being set in array, make a formidable force; and when God sets on peculiar impressions of his wrath, and it falls upon the naked soul with its scorch∣ing burning drops, there is not then one quiet

thought, nor one easie moment, all is amaze∣ment, confusion and wo. Lam. 3.3. Surely a∣gainst me is he turned, he turneth his hand against me all the day. A person that is thus distress'd, sits and muses on his misery, and would glad∣ly find something that might be comfortable, but he cannot; what he first thinks of, is tor∣menting; he changes that uneasie thought for another, and that is as tormenting as the first; there is a circulation of flaming disquiet thoughts, and such a person dwells as in a nery Furnace, or as in a thicket of briers, which way soever he turns himself, he is pained and woun∣ded; all the terrible places of Scripture that are made against the wicked, do continually present themselves to his consideration, and he thinks that he shall most certainly have their por∣tion; every thing in nature that is frightful, frights him, as still believing God to be against him; from all the terrible things imaginable he fetches something that does still more afflict him; and thus he will be imagining: Suppose I were to be sawn asunder, to be burnt, to be flea'd alive, or to be torn to pieces; Oh what a sad thing would that be! and yet I am in a case worse than all this, for I am now continu∣ally racked with guilt, and am like to be in Hell for ever. The terrors of the Lord we may seel indeed, but we cannot express them, they are so very terrible; they wound our most sen∣sible and tender part; they cause our very souls to pine and languish away; they fix our minds to the contemplation of every thing that is sad and doleful; they fill us with confusion; and

Heman says, Ps. 88.15. they are terrors that com∣pass us round about, they seize upon every facul∣ty, and distress us in every part; to have God against us, his holiness to dazle us, his Power to overthrow us, his Law to condemn us, our Consciences to accuse us, is the sum of terrors!

Sixthly, Fear is another occasion of sorrow, and the night is usually a time of horror; we are apt then to be imposed upon with false, as well as with real dangers. We can think of nothing but out misery; and the continual unavoidable thinking of it, makes us more miserable, Job 13.21. these fears are as so many Fetters from which we cannot fly; and when we think to shake them off, we put our selves to more pain. If I say I will forget my complaints, I will leave off my heaviness, and comfort my self, I am afraid of all my sorrows; I know that thou wilt not hold me innocent, Job 9.27, 28. we are frighted with the Greatness and Majesty of God, with the Glory of his Being, and the Thunder of his Power: We are frighted with the view of our innumerable sins, and with the dangers that at∣tend them; the thoughts of Heaven fright us, because we think we have lost that blessed place; and the thoughts of Hell are no less frightful, because we think we shall soon be there; the thoughts of life are frightful, because tis with anguish and horror that we live; nor can we bear the thoughts of death, because we dare not die.

Seventhly, 'Tis a night of weeping to deserted souls, because they find no heart to pray, and no life in prayer; they fall upon their knees, and cover

the Altar of the Lord with tears, but he seems not to regard them; they beg, and he gives them no relief; they cry and he does not answer; and this fills them with shame and grief, Lam. 3.7, 8. the thoughts of such poor people are in a continual hurry, and so are very full of wandrings in the performance of their duty: Grief, by saddening the spirits, destroys the free∣dom of our speech; for joy is the mother of E∣loquence and fluency; and when they would move up towards Heaven, this sorrow damps their vigor, and makes them that they cannot fly; and finding they are still perplex'd even after prayer, and still as uncomfortable as be∣fore, they are apt to throw it off, and say, It is vain to pray; as Saul, 1 Sam. 28.15. God is departed from me, and answers me no more. And sorrow is naturally a very dull and sluggish thing; a man has no heart to go about any work when he is very sad; and this faintness occasions a new trouble; we are vext when we do not pray; and when we would, we cannot. Sorrows damp our faith, our love, and our hope, and so spoil our duties; for without these, they are without life, and without acceptance; and sometimes our grief is so violent, that it finds no vent, it strangles us, and we are overcome. I am so troubled, that I cannot speak, Psal. 77.4. It is with us in our desertions as with a man that gets a slight hurt, at first he walks up and down, but not looking betimes to prevent a growing mischief, the neglected wound begins to fester, or to gangrene, and brings him to greater pain and loss; so it is with us many times in our

Spiritual sadness; when we are first troubled, we pray and pour out our souls before the Lord; but afterwards the waters of our grief drown our crys, and we are so overwhelmed, that if we might have all the world we cannot pray, or at least we can find no enlargement, no life, no pleasure in our prayers; and God himself seems to take no delight in them, and that makes us more sad. Psal. 22.1.

Eighthly, Such have no patience wherewith to bear their evils; Oh who is he that can bear the wrath of God! one thought of him as a recon∣ciled Father, would sweeten the most heavy Cross; but one view of him as an enemy, causes all our strength to depart, and melts our very souls. In bodily evils the mind lends its assistance, and furnishes the natural spirits with courage; but when its self is weakned and trou∣bled, what is it able to do? the wounded soul is most commonly fretful and impatient; the sight of Heaven inspires our breasts with vital heat, and makes us quiet and submissive under every dispensation; but the daily sight and fear of Hell, fills us with tumult and disorder; the language of deserted people for the most part is in groans, and in their prayers they chatter as a Crame, or a Swallow, or mourn as a Dove, Isa. 38.14. Job 13.20, 21.

Ninthly, They usually see no prospect of relief or deliverance, and that encreases the sorrows of their doleful Night; they are covered in the deep pit, and see no way to fly from it, Job 9.27, 28. they are wounded, and carry their wounds with them where they go; they are continually fixing

their mournful eyes upon destruction and the Grave, Job 7.7, 8. they have indeed, now and then, some intermissions, but they are like the small breathings and refreshments of a per∣son that is newly taken off the Rack, to be car∣ried to the Rack again. The Tears of these poor deserted people, are not like the Tears of Mary in the Garden; for as soon as she began to weep, she beheld the Lord; He quickly came to her help, and changed her Sorrows into Consolations; and his sweet Voice did in a moment run through all the powers of her soul, and made her heart to leap with Joy, and scattered light upon it: But in this case he suf∣fers his Servants to be tost for a long and dole∣ful night, ere he be pleased to speak, and to calm the storms; so that they are as persons straitly besieged, and have no relief at hand; as persons athirst, and have no Water; hun∣gry, and have no Bread. Psal. 113.4. I looked on my right hand, and beheld, but there was no man that would know me, refuge failed me.

Tenthly, This Night of weeping is the more sor∣rowful, because it is the time of Satan's Cruelty. When our Spirits are broken with long and painful afflictions, then this Cowardly Spirit sets upon us; he knows that he can easily per∣plex us, when we are already thrown upon the Ground. When the Sun sets, then the Beasts of the Field creep abroad; When God is de∣parted, then the Devil comes. He comes and torments us with innumerable fears; comes and Triumphs over us, insults, and says, Where is now your God? What think you now of Sin?

What is now become of all your Hearing, your Reading, and your many Prayers? You thought to have escaped my Power, and now I have you within my reach; now remember that at such or such a time you sinned, and therefore God has forsaken you; you weep, and your Tears are just; for you are miserable, and are like to be with me for ever. He makes use of our sore Afflictions, to represent God to us as Tyrannical, and as one that will certainly de∣stroy us; and it is our grief, and our misery, that we have so little in our desertions to an∣swer to him. When we really believe that God is departed from us, What can we say? How does this Roaring Lion most cruelly molest us, when our Glory and our Strength is gone! though at other seasons we can oppose his ma∣lice, and confidently say, The Lord, that hath chosen Jerusalem, rebuke thee. He is, indeed, a knowing and a subtile Spirit; he knows our weakness, sees our trouble, and urges even the very Scriptures and Providences of God upon us to our disadvantage, and that with a marvel∣lous importunity and diligence: He shoots at us with fiery Darts, that are extreamly painful, and comes to shoot them when we are under a sense of God's displeasure; which is like thrust∣ing of a Red Iron into a Wound that is already very sore. It pleases the Devil to hear us groan, and to see us sad; and when we are al∣ready pressed down with our Evils, he will be sure to throw upon us more weight; our Groans are his Musick; and when we wallow in Ashes, drown our selves in Tears, and spread

our Hands for help, and roar till our Throat is dry, he gluts his cruel heart with looking on our woes; it is the pleasantest sight to him, to see God hiding himself from his Child, and that Child broken with fears, torn in pieces with Griefs, made a Brother to Dragons, a Companion to Owls, under restless Anxieties, perpetual Lamentations, feeble, and sore bro∣ken, their Tongue cleaving to their Jaws, their Bowels boyling, their Bones burnt with heat, and their flesh consumed* 1.1; He sets upon us after we have been long troubled, and weary with our March in the doleful Night: And which is the sorrow of our sorrows, God may for a long while leave us in his hands; and by his usage of Job, we know what his temper is. Luke 22.31. 'Tis the hour and the power of darkness.

Eleventhly, Sometimes this Sorrow is mixed with deep Despair: It is a Tempestuous and Stor∣my Night. And as Paul said in another case, All hope of their being saved is taken away. I shall surely perish, saith the mourning soul; I am damned, I am lost for ever; I am already as in Hell, under unexpressible, insupportable pains; and amazing fears; the Lord will be fa∣vourable no more, he hath shut up his Bowels, and his Tender Mercies; he is gone, he is gone from me, and he is for ever gone. No more shall I call him Father; no more shall I behold his shining face; no more shall I hear his kind and loving Voice, he is my Judge and my Enemy, and I am afraid he will be so for ever. He hath cast me off, he hath forsaken

me; he hath condemned me, and I am lost for ever: I am now like to have my poor Soul gathered with Sinners and with Bloody Men; I am now never like to see that Heaven where I once hoped to go; I see nothing but ruin, no∣thing but desolation, nothing but blackness of darkness; and these unbelieving, despairing Conclusions, produce hard and strange thoughts of God, and an enmity to him in our minds.

Twelsthly, Looking upon their present troubles as an Introduction to more, and that these are but the beginning of sorrows. Isa. 38.13. I reckoned till morning, that as a Lion so will he break all my bones; from day even to night wilt thou make an end of me. How often do we hear such saying, Oh! what will become of me, should I dye in such a state as I now am in! in such horror and amazement! where will my guilty soul then go! Alas! I am no way prepared to give up my accounts, and yet am like every moment to be called away; If I cannot bear these Pains, and this Wrath, what shall I do to bear an Eternal Hell! If I tremble so now, what shall I do when the blow is given, and the final Sen∣tence past! I have but one change to make, and it is like to be a sad and woful change, God knows! I dare neither live nor dye! Oh! what, shall I do! whither shall I go? Stay I must not, and depart I dare not; I am now sorely tormented, and must I be for ever and for ever so, and worse too! I now see that the Gate is strait, and the way is narrow, and that there will be few indeed that will be saved.

The shadows of the Evening are stretched out upon me, and what shall I do if it prove an Eternal night? For as it is the glory of Faith, to shew us future things, as if actually present; and to give us joy from them so considered: So it is the torment of despair, to make poor di∣stressed Souls believe they are even as in Hell, whilest they are on Earth; and that they are actually scorched with that wrath that is to come in greater measures.

Thirteenthly, From all these follow strange dis∣courses and expressions of sorrow; they are forced to complain, to cry out, and to weep bitterly, Job 7.11. Therefore I will not refrain my mouth, I will speak in the anguish of my spirit, I will com∣plain in the bitterness of my soul. They speak without any manner of concern or fear, things that both vex themselves, and make others tremble; they scarce care what they say of God or of themselves. My soul is weary of my life, I will leave my complaint upon my self; I will speak in the bitterness of my soul, Job 10.1, 3. Nay they frequently proceed to wish they had never been born, knowing it is better not to be, than to be miserable. Job 3. Job 10.16, 17, 18. Nay, they may proceed so far, as to wish even to be destroyed that they may know the worst: Such is the sorrow of their hearts, and so vio∣lent, Job 6.26. Do ye imagine to reprove words, and to reprove the speeches of one that is desperate, which are as wind! And there are two things that make their sorrows more sorrowful:

• 1. As comparing their state with that of others.

• 2. As with their own former state.

1. It makes them more sad when they consider the case of others; with what peace and joy they live, with what hope and comfort, whilest they are drowned in sorrows. Others, says the de∣serted Soul, can sing the Praises of God with de∣light, whilest I am overwhelmed, and my Harp is hung upon the Willows; others can go into the solemn Assemblies, and hear his Word, but I am confined in my thick darkness, and dare not go thither; others have the hope of Heaven, and I have the dayly fear of Hell; I am like to see others enter into Glory, and my self shut out; Oh! what have my sins done! If I had not greatly sinned, I might have had as much quietness, and comfort, and peace as they; and I that am now cut down for my unfruitfulness might have been serving God with as much chearfulness, and light, and hope as they do.

2. When the deserted soul compares its present with its former state. To a person in misery, it is a great increase of misery to have been once happy: It was to David an occasion of new Tears, when he remembred his former Joys, Psal. 42.3, 4. Time was, says the poor Soul, when I thought of God with comfort, and when I thought of him as my own God; and to lose a God that I once enjoyed, is the Loss of all my Losses; and of all my Terrors the most Terrible. Time was, when I could go and pray to him, and ease my self in Prayer; but now I have no boldness, no hope, no success in Prayer, I cannot call him my Father any more.

Time was, when I could read the Bible, and treasure up the Promises, and survey the Land of Canaan as my own inheritance; but now I dare not look into the Word, lest I read my own Condemnation there. The Sabbath was formerly to me as one of the days of Heaven; but now it is also, as well as the rest, a sad and a mournful day. I formerly rejoyced in the name of Christ, I sat under his shadow, Cant. 8.10. I was in his eyes as one that found favour; but now my soul is like the deserts of Arabia, I am scorched with burning heat. From how great an height have I fallen! How fair was I once for Heaven, and for Salvation, and now am like to come short of it! I was once flou∣rishing in the Courts of the Lord, and now all my Fruit is blasted and withered away; his dew laid all night upon my branches; but now I am like the Mountains of Gilboa, no Rain falls upon me. Had I never heard of Heaven, I could not have been so miserable as I now am; Had I never known God, the loss of him had not been so terrible as now it is like to be. Job 29.2, 3. Oh! that I were as in months past, as in the days when God preserved me; When his Candle shined upon my head, and when by his light I walked through darkness! These are some of the sor∣rows that deserted Souls often meet withal; and indeed, but a small part of what they feel in this dark and stormy night. Before I pro∣ceed any further, I will answer two Objecti∣ons, for I foresee, that against what I have said, some may object.

Notes

• * 1.1

  Dr. Gil∣pin on Sa∣tans Tem∣ptations, Part 2. p. 281.