Al-Man-Sir, or, Rhodomontados of the most horrible terrible and invincible Captain Sr. Fredrick Fight-all English and French.

RHODOMONTADO'S

I. WHen I came into the World Mars (the God of War) did sit astride my Shoulders, Hercules was at my Right Hand, and Samson on my Left. Atlas at my Thighs, Mercury on my Head, Venus in my Eyes, Cupid in my countenance, Nero in my Heart, Jupiter in all my Body. In such sort that when I walk't it was with such wonderful Force and Strength I caused the Earth to tremble, the Heavens were asto∣nisht, the Wind ceast, the Sea became calm, Women big with child miscarried, Men in general every where fled before me, and the most valiant and couragious, seeing me cryed out one and all: Libera me Domine.

II. I Swear— Villain if I come there, I will give thee such a blow with this battoon, it shall drive thee six foot within the Earth, so that there shall nothing remain of thee above it, but thy right hand to put off thy Hat when thou shalt see me pass that way.

III. CErtainly when I consider how many graces Fortune hath endued me with, I have not time sufficient for so many considerations: For in the first place she hath heaped on me force, and overwhelmed me with strength, she hath quallified me with courage to the least puncti∣lio, and hath form'd and fashion'd me out of the greatest vallour. So that I am as a Colomn in France, a Bastion in Spain, a Fortress in Italy, a Castle in England, a Cittadel in Germany, a Tower in Poland, a Rock in Armenia, a Wall in Denmark. To be short I am generally better quallified then all the men in the world, being a refined mettal taken out of the bowels of the fat of the Earth and conceived by generosity.

IV. I Swear by the bones of the Sun it is as impossible for my right hand to strike any with my Battoon, and not to kill, as for the Sun to cease from running his dayly course through the Heaven.

V. TRuly (and witout swearing by the beard of my great Grandfather) I do not believe there is any thing in the whole world, which can equal the horrible, dread∣ful and furious terribility of my courage. And what is there think you in the whole world which will not honour and obey me, if so that I can make the earth tremble, the Heavens afraid, the Stars to disappear, the savage beasts of lofty Mountains, and crag∣gy Rocks to hide themselves therein. And moreover the birds which people the Airy Region, the Fish whose Kingdom is the sea, and men the most valiant and couragious, with one sole angry glance of my eye, I re∣duce them to the Chaos of their first prin∣ciples.

VI. GO to my Cook, and tell him, it is my command that he spit me immed∣ately a dozen and half of Demicannon, lar∣ded with Pi••es, Muskets, and Halberds, which I have taken from my enemies in pitcht Battles, and let there be the Ban∣deleers of a Foot-company to hang about instead of Sassages, having done this, let him put over the Grid-Iron, and broil me three or four dozen of Carbines, with a score or two of pocket Pistols, fryed with Brim∣stone, and Salt-peeter sauce, and then come and sup with me, for this is the Food which I am accustomed to feed on.

VII. I Am King of Paladins, the terrour of the World, the flower of the Nobility of Rhodomontado's, Furioso's, Superboso's, Ro∣lands, and Olivers, beautified with infinite Graces, fait as an Angel, the heart and courage of Lucifer, a Servant to the mighty Queens of the Earth, a Friend to di∣stressed Ladies, and the Soveraign Prince of the Anthropophagi or Man-Eaters.

VIII. ONe day in battle I found out the Queen of the Amazons, she seeing me resolved that I should fall by no other hand than that of so great and mighty a Queen, and thereupon raiz'd her hand with her Sword therein, but I not willing to loose any time struck her, at which she fell to the Earth; then taking her by the hair of the head I threw her with such fury and force that she flew to the fifth Heaven, and fell upon Mars as he was sporting with Venus, the fall of whom broke his head. Venus being greatly afraid cryed out for help, at whose cry the Gods came running to her aid, but were much astonisht when they saw Mars stretcht out upon the place. Hereupon Jupiter thrust his head through the casement, and saw me distri∣buting wounds among my enemies with so much anger and fierceness that the fire which flew from every blow, resembled another Mont-Gibel or Aetna: Therefore Jupiter said to all his Brother Gods that none of them should stir or make any further noise of what was done, since it might be supposed, that he which had killed Mars the God of War, was every whit as able to kill the rest of the Gods which yet remained living.

IX. HAve a care Sits, stand back there at a distance, till I have put on my Cloak, for the very wind that comes from the bare Cape thereof is sufficient to fan yee five hundred leagues distant from the Pyrenean Mountains.

X. JF my Sword could express what wonders it hath done, yet w••uld it want time to discover all. What is it if not that, which hath peopled all the Church-yards in the Universe? What is it, if not my Toledo which hath inricht the Chyrurgeons of this Terrestial Globe? What is it that hath sent so many continually to the Sword-cutlers? What is that which hath cut in peices the best coat of Mail? What is that which so derides the Bucklers of Barcelona, which hews the cabaces of Calatayud if not my Sword. For it did cut the Head-peece vizors of Almazen with as much ease, as if they had been made of a Melon or Cucum∣ber.

XI. THese twenty years my Sword hath provided for me, by which I am feard of men and beloved of Women.

XII. ONe told me that the Grand Seignor had committed lately great slaugh∣ters among the Christians depriving them in a barbarous manner of their Legs and Arms, but if I come there, I shall soon cool his courage, for I know by the living bones of my Father, he will no sooner see m••, but he will lay on his own life violent hands, to avoid falling into mine.

XIII. WHen I speak my voice penetrates the depths of Hell, where ever I appear, the World offers me a free subjection from East to West. It is well known, that where ever I am my Bedstead is made of the ribs of Giants, the ticking of my bed is filled with the Mousta∣cho's of the Masters of the Camp to the Grand Turk, my Bolster with the Brains which I boxt out of the heads of his Captains, my cloaths are made of the Hair of Amazons, my coverlids are composed of Switzers-beards, my curtains of the hair of the eye-brows and eye-lids of Hun∣garians and Germans, and the wall of my lodging is built not only with the pieces of Head-peeces but the entire heads of the standard bearers to the Queen of England, which I lopt off with my dreadful and formidable Sword, the floor of my house instead of Brick is paved with Janazaries Teeth, my tapistry are the skins of Arabians and Sorcerers whom I unbarkt with the point of my Dagger, the tiles which cover my house are the nails of Monarchs and Kings, whose bodies long since in despight of them and those mise∣rable carcasses they indeavoured to defend, with a kick of my Foot I tumbled into their se∣pultures.

XIV. SCorning to draw my Sword against a bravado English Captain, I gave him such a kick in the breech, that he mounted into the Air and knockt his head against the Sun with such great force, that he was the cause of it's Eclipse for five days; im∣mediately this Captain kneel'd before Ju∣piter, praying him to pardon me all my offences, in recompence of the kindness I had done him, by that kick of the Arse I had given him, which sent him to Heaven a∣mong the Stars, since it lay in my power to send him as far (a contrary way) to Hell among the damned.

XV. WIth one single hair of my Moustachos which I will dart at thee, I will make so great a gap in thy body that the whole Infantry of Spain, and Cavalry of France shall be able to pass through with∣out touching either the one side of thee or the other.

XVI. LAdy of my heart command me some∣thing which belongs to my Professi∣on, for I swear to you by the great snaggy Tooth of Cerberus, to defye for your sake ten men together, and would scorn to flye, came there as many more. Command me to kill one, two, three, four, fifty, or sixty persons: to cut off the Legs, Arms, or gash the Face of any one that dares e∣qual her self to you, for these things shail be sooner done then commanded.

XVII. WIth this most redoubted Sword, I ruine, I set on fire, and put all into a flame, tryumphing over Armies, laying wast Cities, Castles, Towers, Walls, and invincible Fortresses. With my presence I make Jove hide himself, Mer∣cury fly, Cupid tremble, Mars disguize and tranform himself, and make him stand and seeme take the Tribute, which Venus gives me, to let him know and see, I'me more her Gallant now than He.

XVIII. WHere ever I am Death is continu∣ally with me, because he finds more profit from me, then if he were Ge∣neral of one hundred thousand men to fight the Turk or Devil. He knows it well and therefore continually follows and accom∣panies me in the conquest of the Kingdoms of the Grimanians, Dicenians, Dinamians, Alopitiars Pitanians and Espinomenians, so that to sp••ak the truth, without his com∣pany I should walk alone, because I find none like me, and none I like but him.

XIX. AS the World is divided into four parts three whereof Africa, Asia, and Eu∣rope, and these three are incompassed and environed by the Sea, so my heart is di∣vided into three other parts, of a Nature affable, terrible, and cruel, and these three parts are surrounded not with Water, but with living Flames of scorching fire. And as the fire is, so is (by reason of Love) my heart, by which means I am so intaged that with three blows of this my good chop∣ping blade, the fore-stroke, back-blow, and thrust, I could slay all mankind, ma∣king Rivers of blood longer then Ganges, broader then the Po, and more terrible then the Cataracts of Nile. But the World may be thankful I am in love, for but a little while before I was so, I kil'd every day for a whole Month, three or our do∣zen persons, and but even now I kil'd more than half a score, only to show the greatness of affection to my Mistress.

XX. I Have in me the nature of a Basalisk and something more; for if he with his looks can kill one, I when angry with mine, can destroy an hundred, as if my eyes were Cannon Chain shot.

XXI. IF that true valour which my soul possesseth could be purchased by Money, all Traffick would cease by Sea and Land, and no more talk of Merchants or their commodities. For eve∣ry one would then labour and imploy their in∣dustry to the utmost, who should get the great∣est share in me, one would aim at one of my Arms, another a Leg, one a Finger, a fourth a Nail, a fifth a Hair of my eye-lids, and this to no other end, than that he might become va∣liant. But I rejoyce that this cannot be by a∣ny means affected, because it is one of the greatest causes of the very great repose and quiet of all those Kings, Monarchs, and Prin∣ces, which are all my very good friends.

XXII. WHo is so shamelesly impudent, as not to fall in love with this strong thigh of mine, with this powerful arm, with this breast, stuft with valour and courage, with this face, fairer and more pleasant than that of Ganimede, Dido, or Absalon.

XXIII. MY Bawd, my old Whore Fortune, gave me some offence; so that I be∣came more displeased with her than for∣merly, she was beloved by me, in so much that if she performed not her Articles with me, I swore by Pluto's Horns, by the beard of Mars, by Samsons Whiskers, and by Mahomets Alcoran, that I will deprive her of her Prerogative of mutability, and in∣constancy, and as to her body, with one shock I will dispatch her to Terra Incog∣nita, her Limbs so shatter'd, that at the very instant of her arrivall thither, she shall be reduced to powder, which shall be by some or other gather'd and preserved for my use, that is, to throw as dust or Sand on those Letters I send to my Mistress.

XXIV. I Have in two days more augmented the Stigian Kingdom of Pluto, and peo∣pled with Subjects his black, dark, and smoaky Realm, then ever did Rodomont, Rolant, Renand, Mandrigard and Radaman∣te, having made the hearts of more valiant and couragious men in a thousand and a thousand places to tremble; let those which inhabit the East, West, North and Equa∣noctial Line be my Witnesses.

XXV. THe great Turk is much afraid of my valour, for my Arm hath given him to know more than ten Armies joyn'd to∣gether: for being one day in the War of the Venetians against the Grand Seignor, I gave Abenhamet Master of the Camp so great a blow that I st••uck his Head off his Shoulders, with the stroke it immediately hopt to Constantinople,, carrying thither the news of the loss of the Turkish Army. When the Inhabitants of that great City, saw the Head without a Body, they all fled into their houses, making fast their doors, with such dread none would ven∣ture to stir out in six years for fear of me, till that I according to my accustomed mag∣nificence gave them permission to appear abroad and walk as they were wont to do, which accordingly was performed.

XXVI. WHen I walk in the streets of the City a thousand Ladies run to meet me; one takes me violently by the Cape of my Cloak, another gives me a wink, another beseecheth me to sup with her, another makes me a present, another kisseth my hands, and blesseth that Mother that brought me into the World, adjudging her self the happiest of Women, may she have the opportunity of lying with me but one night, to no other end, then that she may have a child of the race, of so great and worthy a personage as my self.

XXVII. IF the force of my members was distri∣buted among faint hearted persons, and seditious Spirits, the World would be put into a general revolt, and nothing would be seen therein, but Battles, and Conquests; the Bells never heard, day nor night, but for the interment of some dead body. Chy∣rurgeons would never stir out of their hou∣ses, but to heal the wounds of Swords, cut and thrust, and to reunite Fractures or bones broken. Divines would be continualy employed in comforting Widdows for the loss of their Husbands, Children for the loss of their Parents, and young Women in the death of their Sweet-hearts.

XXVIII. BY the stately gravity of my Fore-fathers, I cannot but laugh when I think on the ig∣norance of the Gods in Deifying Hercules, and giving him the appellation of one of them, cal∣ling him God, and this only because he slew an Hydra, twisted an Horn out of a Bulls-head, cut in pieces a Dragon, overcame a Lyon, and destroyed the Centaure and fierce Boars. Because through fear he made the Harpies to flye, and killed Cete and Achelois, conquered Diomelles King of Thrace, and defeated Gereone Queen of the Amazons, and lastly because he erected those Colomns which are now called Hercules Pillars. In effect these things are nothing but meer fa∣bles, and the ••ctions of young Girls compared with m•• f••rce and courage, who had neither the puissance of Da••ius King of the Persians, nor of Alexand•••• the great; nor of Samson the strong, nor the powerfulness of the Trojan Hector, nor of valiant Achilles, nor of Roland the Furi∣ous, nor of stout Gridace nor of sturdy Sacri∣pant••, nor of terrible Mandricard, nor of famous Roger, nor of strong Agrican, nor of horrible Rodomont. None of these ever equaliz'd my horrible, formidable and invincible courage.

XXIX. IF I come to thee, with my Foot I will kick thee so high into the Air, that hadst thou with thee ten Cart load of bread, thou should'st be in greater fear of starving then falling.

XXX. MY Arm trembles when I deliberate with my self what to do for my Mi∣stress, for continually I am thinking how I may render her content, and can never ob∣tain it. The last night I dream't, in favour of her, I fought ten men, six whereof I kil'd: one of those that fled which saved his Life, in gratitude to my mercy, cut off his Left Arm, and laid it at my Feet. But how much better shall I do such things in the day when I am awake, if any one shall take the boldness on him to touch her slipper.

XXXI. ONe day playing with Destiny, in the presence of Time, Fortune, and Nature, we wrangled about a Cast, in such manner, that I laid my hand on my Sword. Time, Fortune, and Nature, which were Friends to Destiny, interpos'd between us to keep the Peace. But I which am truly stout extended my Right Foot, and gave Time such a kick I sent him to the Skyes, with another I tum∣bled down to the Earth; where she now ly∣eth; Fortune I divided in the middle, throw∣ing one half of her where the Sun riseth, and the other half where he sets. I gave also Nature such a back-blow, that the wound to this day is incureable, through which all the Year long issue Rivers of Blood.

XXXII. ONe day recreating my self at Ball, I struck it with such force that it flew to the third Heaven, falling and trundling be∣fore the Gods, which were then and there assembled in Councel; the one looking on the other were greatly astonisht, not being able to utter one word, till such time as their senses were returned to them; and then they concluded it requisite, Jupi∣ter should descend to the Earth, and kneel before me, and quitting his Scepter and Crown, should humbly devote it to my service, Venus should proffer her self to be my Chamber-maid, Mars my Laquay, and Mercury my Pander.

XXXIII. BEing desirous Pluto should pay me that tri∣bute which other Kings pay me, I went strait to Hell, where I found him walking, ac∣companied with five hundred and forty six mil∣lions, three hundred ninety and six thousand Legions of Devils which followed him. And as soon as he saw me afar off, he immediately ad∣vanced towards me to render himself my Pri∣soner. Then I laid my hand on my Sword; Pluto perceiving me in a passion, and having known who I was fled immediately, and sunk into the profound depths of Hell with all his Followers, commanding strictly the Gates thereof to be close shut, and lockt. I for my part resolved to be obey'd, & walking to the Gates, I sneez'd them open, and thereupon entred. In a moment I took Prisoner, Grand Satan, Prince Pluto, and fair Proserpine, whose hands I firmly bound with an hair of my Moustacho. Nevertheless seeing the tears they shed, and lamentations which they made, I made use of the antient magnificence of my nature, and unbinding them set them all at liberty.

XXXIV. I Had one day a quarrel with a French Gentleman, who defied me, saying, draw if thou darest, considering with my self that I am all courage, refused so to do, because the French being cold, and without choler, I might have given him five hundred thrusts, and as many slashes, without killing him; but as for me, who am wholly fill'd, and made up of Cou∣rage and Choler, with the least blow in the World, he might have sent me to the Devil.

XXXV. BEing on a time without the Trenches of Ostend, a Cannon-bullet entred my Mouth, loosening two of my Teeth with∣out farther harm. At the same time being full of anger, I took the Bullet into my hand, and throwing it against the enemy, by chance it fell against a Tower on the Wall, the which by that means in a mo∣ment was reduced to dust, ••illing to the number of one thousand fifty and five Soul∣diers which guards it.

XXXVI. ON a time I entred Hell, where I found sitting at a Table, Pluto, Proserpine, and Death; they seeing me in their dark, dismal Cell, were struck with an amazing Fear, but knowing their want of Courage com∣parative to mine, and to dismiss their Fear, without sitting down, I presently danc't before them a Levant, according to the French fashion, cutting a caper somewhat too high, my head broke through the roof of Hell, and so past out, the noise whereof made ••he City of Constantinople to trem∣ble, and tumbled into ruines, eight hun∣dred and eighty five houses in the next Town.

XXXVII. I My self Hercùles, Death, and Cupid, by chance travelled one day together, each of us had his Bow and Quiver; and made a bargain, that he which should do the great∣est execution, should have the greatest Ho∣nour. Hercules began first, and with his Bow and Arrows, killed all the Panthers, Lyons, Tigers, Bears, Wolves, Bulls, Camels, and Elephants, with all sorts of Wild beasts. Cupid took his Bow next, in drawing of which he made Gods, Giants, Amazons, Men, and Devils to fall up to the Ears in Love, I only excepted on whom the God of Love had no power. Death next resolved to try what he could do, and with the flight of his Arrow killed all the Creatures on the Earth. I at last dis∣daining them all, and being in a very great passion, I resolved to be revenged on them, so taking an Arrow, I shot and killed Death, Cupid and Hercules.

XXXVIII. MAdam and Mistress of my Life, be neither jealous, nor displeased, that I am sought after, and beloved of so many Ladies, and Princesses, for in so doing, they but abuse th••mselves and loose their time. I do not love or affect any other but your Highness (dear Mistress) since that you are indued with more beauty then Di∣ana, with more graces and better meen then Pallas, with more sweetness th••n Venus; dispising these three Soveraign Goddesses, you are alone that proper obj••ct, to which I dedicate my heart. Consider then that I love you, and do not forsake me for ano∣ther, since that I am more then a Gentle∣man. And if you will be married to me, I swear by the Faith of a Captain, and by the Life of the King my Father (for I never knew any other name He had) to get on you the first night, a regiment of Souldiers, which shall conquer the World.

XXXIX. I Kiss the Soles of the Feet of your Highness, Mistress of my Heart, Princess of my Breast, Dutchess of both Arms, Marquess of my Courage, Countess of my Valour, Queen of my Strength; and absolute Dame of my whole Person.

XL. ARriving near Constantinople, I under∣stood that fifty Snips were just entring into the Port, I presently betook my self to a place where I might most commodiously board them, but as they approached near, I was constrained by a fit of a through-go∣nimble to let down my breeches, and plant∣ing my Globular Posteriors towards the Water, to the intent that I might free my self from that violent Chollick, which then seized me, I did let so great a Fart, that it raized as great a storm as hath been seen on the Oc••an, which blew one hun∣dred and fifty Vessels, with such tempestu∣ous Fury t•••••• they were wrackt against the 〈…〉〈…〉

XLI. IT is true I am ill clad, but it is neither carelesness, nor extream poverty which obligeth me to appear in this manner, but a solemn vow, not to buy any kind of stuff, to make me a suit, till first I have found one hundred and fi••ty doz••n of the Heads of my Enemies, that they may serve in∣stead of a set of Buttons, for my Suit, also the Boyaux instead of Lace thereon.

XLII. MArs being overjoyed to have met with me, askt if I were willing to pass a∣way the time with him at Picquet, but I an∣swering him, that my recreations lay in more violent exercises, he though•• himself obliged to propound to me a Game at Ball, which I accepted o••; as he was about to find out a B••ll for himself, he was ama∣zed to see me take the Terrestial Globe, and struck it so violently, that it mounted almost to Heaven, where Jupiter being a∣ston sht, sent Mercury speedily away to ap∣prehend the cause of this sudden accident, and just as he was descending, I st••uck the Earth the second time on the rebound, in such sort, that rencountring the messenger of the Gods, it broke his Nose, he striking it back to me, made it flye against the Face of the Moon so strongly, that it made it as flat as a Milan. Chee••e.

XLIII. IT is said that Hercules got an hundred Maiden-heads in one night, but I was more valiant than that Whore-master, for in five hours time I begat an hundred Her∣cules.

XLIV. MArs puft up with vain presumption, and being so impudent to attribute to himself in my presence, that glory which my valour had lawfully acquired, made me so angry; that in the height of my fury, I took him by the Foot, and twirl'd him into the Air, making him move circularly with such rappid violence that before he fell, he made more turnings and roundings in the Air, then the Heavens hath done since the first day of its Creation.

XLIV. J Swear I am almost distracted, since I de∣spair of finding a man that shall cry me mercy. All my pride consists in finding a man on whom I may discharge my passion and revenge; but I see it is impossible, since their swift flight secures them from my Fury. How can I then demonstrate my power, since none against me dates make opposition.

XLV. BY the blood of those many Gyants I have slain, I know not what Death to inflict on two Rascals, that lookt a skew on me as I walk't in the streets. In order there∣unto, I examin'd my Magazine where I found six hundred sixty and five several in∣struments of War, out of which I endea∣voured to choose one most agreeable to my purpose. The Armour I usually wore was so cut and slash••, that like a Beggers ragged Coat, 'twould hardly hang toge∣ther, wounded in every part without blood shed. At last I resolved to bastinado them soundly, that I might give some respit and rest to my blood thirsty Sword and Dagger.

XLVI. WHat is it that I fear in Asia, Europe, and Africa? were the Alpes set on the Shoulders of the Pyrenean Mountains, seven Dragons, eight Elephants, ten Tygers, twenty two Lyons, sixty five Bulls, with all the Swi••zers in France to guard them, I would ascend to their utmost height by the slaughter of them all.

XLVII. MY Shoomaker one morning brought me home a pair of Shoos too streight fo•• my Feet, which so inraged me, that with a blow I struck him so far into the E••rth, that I made a passage into Pluto's Kingdom. Hereupon Belzebub, Satan, Plu∣to, Barrabas, Judas, with a many more Princes of those obscure tenebrosities, w••re strangely startled; Cerberus bark't, Proserpine tore her Hair, weeping most bit∣terly, because she saw the affrighting Light, invade her dark Kingdom. The little Devils hid themselves here and there, and some of them fled away, part whereof live at this time in the Air, (and are called Aiereal Spi∣rits) others dwell on the Earth (and are called Subterraneau) daily tormenting the ••••••••itants thereof.

XLVIII. MAdam you may justly lay aside the name of Dame Beatrice, and assume for the time to come that of Emperess, Queen, Princess, Marquess, Countess, &c. Sinc my two thighs, those Herculean Pil∣la••s, which sust in the whole World, are at your serve, I would say this (Brittish o••) C••stillian body crammed with the valour of couragious Men of War, which makes this breast; and this arm more strong th••n the Tower of Babylon, and chiefly when it is assisted with this my redoubted Sword because the fire which proceeds from it, penetra••es farther, and surpasseth by much in splendor the bright Rayes of the illu∣m••nating Sun.

XLIX. I Am the Man alone which is void of fear, threatning the Sky, and the Air, the Fire and the Earth, Jupiter and Hell, as far as the Elements I desire to wage War with them. I value not a Tempest, a Thunder∣bolt, Lightning; nor Thunder, and before it be long, I will make my self Grand Seignor of the upper Regions, and the lower. I both will and can do it, for my power is proportionable to the Enter∣prize.