The Fifteen comforts of rash and inconsiderate marriage, or, Select animadversions upon the miscarriages of a wedded state done out of French.

The Third COMFORT. The Bonny Girl, Twatling Gossips, and Contented Drudge.

THE Youngsters of this Wanton Age, are so high-fed, live so much at ease, their Blood is so plentiful and sprightly, that they cannot contain themselves long without an Evacuation of the Extrava∣gancies of the Fourth Concoction, and so must take a Wife (the Remedy often∣times proving worse than the Disease)

and eagerly pursue their own Misery and Discontent; for our young Couple being Married, at the usual time the Teeming Bonny Girl grows big, tho possibly (as it too frequently falls out) not by the sup∣posed Father; and now he begins to un∣derstand the Misery, Trouble and Afflicti∣on of a wedded Life; now must the poor Fellow trot all about the Town on his Wife's Errands, to purchase all things that may please her, if possible; for she begins to be squemish, her Stomach fails, grows weak and peevish, like her self, and nothing will down with her but what is of the best; now he must trudge about night and day, ransack Heaven and Earth for Delicacies to cherish and comfort her, and empty his Purse to fill her Paunch with Dainties; and this pleasant life must be led for six or seven Moneths together, while his Wife Pampers her Carcass at home, and can scarce get a good word for his pains (a poor Gratuity for his kind∣ness) nay probably, complains she is not so carefully provided for, as other Women in her Condition; altho the poor Man rises early, goes to Bed-late, and eats the Bread of Carefulness, contriving all ways possible, for the provision of his Family; but this is not all, the time of her falling

in pieces draws near, and here the poor Fellow is exposed to a world of Charge and Trouble; out he must to procure God-fathers and God-mothers, and such as she approves of too, for in this he is not al∣low'd the freedom of his own Election the Midwife must be fetcht, dry and we Nurses provided (a sort of chargeable Slut•• who will lap up more good Liquor in on•• day, than the good Husband swallows i•• a whole Week) in short, her Throes com•• very thick upon her, and she is surrounde•• with a Crew of Gossiping Neighbours•• the Good-man in the mean time is at h•• Devotion for her safe Delivery, which being over, then all his Care is to plea•• the Woman in the Straw, and her Twa••∣ling Companions, who eat and drin•• merrily, and he spares no cost to entertai•• them, and if any thing displeases them 'tis forty to one, but one of the Gossi•• starts up and says, in troth, Mrs. I do v••∣ry much wonder, and so does all th•• Company, that your Husband takes 〈◊〉〈◊〉 more care of you and your Child, especi∣ally being your First-born; what wou•• he do, I trow, had you five or six? say another, I'll assure you, if my Husban•• should serve me so, I would study Nigh•• and Day to be reveng'd of him; Indee

says a third, I would not have you put up this Affront patiently; for if he serves you thus at the first, his usage will be cour∣ser to you hereafter. Cousin, says a fourth, I admire, that you, being so discreet a Wo∣man, and of a good Family, that you can endure his unworthy behaviour to you, especially in this weakly condition: A∣las! replies the Wife, I know not what to do with him, he is so cross and unkind to me. Upon my word, saith the other, he is an ill-natur'd Man, that he is not here in person to attend on this good company: Then starts up a Bold, Impe∣rious Housewife, and thus begins to chat∣ter; All the Neighbours here know very well, it was a common Rumour of my Husband, that he was the untowardest Man in the World, and would often threa∣ten to break my bones, and be the death of me; but I thank my Stars for it, and my undaunted Spirit together, that I have tam'd him sufficiently; I have brought him now to that pass, that he dares as well eat his Nails, as do any thing to disoblige me. 'Tis very true, when we were first Married he began to be Lofty and Male∣pert, but I pluckt up a good Spirit, set my foot in the Stirrup, rode him with a Bit and a Snaffle, till I quite tired; and cur'd

him of his Resty, Skittish Humour: inso∣much that he has confest, there is no good to be done with me by foul means: nay, if he had kill'd me, I was resolv'd never to Truckle under him; and now I can say, and do what I Please, without the least contradiction; for I will have the last word, right or wrong; so that now he crosses the Cudgels to me, and submits: nay, I will assure you Gentlewomen, there's no man living, how perverse soever, but his Wife may bring him to be Complai∣sant, if she take right measures, and ma∣nage him with Discretion; therefore, pray Neighbour, when your Husband comes Home, ring him such a Peal as may make his Ears glow, and his Heart ake, or you'll never get the better on him as long as you have a day to live. Thus these Gossiping Baggages, having cloy'd 'emselves with good Wine, and plentiful Chear, abuse the poor Man for his Pains, and by their ad∣vice set the Husband and Wife at vari∣ance, the Curse of parting Man and Wife light on them for their pains. Well be∣ing thus gorged with Edibles and Pota∣bles, away they go, and leave the Woman to play her part according to their goodly Instructions. At length Home the Husband returns, having undergone the Drudge∣ry

of the Day with Care and Pains, and no sooner enters his own Doors, but enquires how his Wife does; the Nurse, like an Instructed Dissembling Slut, makes answer, that she is in a very weak condition, and this bout had like to have cost her Life; I have tended several in my time, but your Wife is the weakest Woman I ever look'd to in all my Life; thus they Teaze the foolish Man, who cannot rest till he hath seen his Wife; into the Chamber he goes, and the first Salutation is, how is't my Dear? Truly Love, very sick and weak; I am very sorry for it; and fear you fast too much: I cannot eat, my Appetite is Pall'd and gone: Well, I will order you some Gelly-broths and Caudles to com∣fort you; which he does accordingly, and sends 'em to her: Thus tir'd with running about all day long, he calls for some Re∣freshment, which is brought him, being only the Reversions of the Servants, which he is content with, whilst his Wife is cherish'd with costly and comfortable Draughts, he only swells his empty Maw, with Flatulent and Sower Sixes, and to Bed he packs up with his Head full of care and sleep; in the Morning up he gets by Break of Day, visits his Wife, and asks her how she rested; alas! (saith she) I

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have not so much as closed my eyes, or had one wink of sleep all this Night, tho she rested as well and soundly as if she had taken a Dose of Opium. My Heart, saith he, the Gossips will be here to day, you must make much of them, and should think of rising to entertain them; for you have kept your Bed above a Fortnight; Love we must be as saving as we can, Charges are great, and I have much ado to keep both ends together. Think of Rising! (says the Wife) a Curse on the Hour I was born! O, that I had died in Labour, and then there had been an end of me! Is it come to this indeed; must I rise alrea∣dy, and am not able to stand upon my Leggs? Do you long to see me drudging about the House before I am able to creep? You are a very kind Man, a most loving Husband indeed; I find now you wish me dead, so do I too. Well! well! I am content to rise to Morrow, come on't what will; I do very well foresee what I must undergo for the time to come; what would you do, if I had ten or twelve Chil∣dren, which God forbid, and if it be his will, I hope this is the last? but Gods will be done. As for Gossips coming to see me, I had rather they would stay at Home, and so they would if they knew how

little their Visits please me; nor would you your self (if you had any respect for me) promote their coming, when here were Twenty Discreet Women at least, who came to see me with a great deal of Kindness and Respect, and the Chear you provided for them, I would be ashamed to set before their Servants; this is truth, Sir, I saw it with my own eyes, over∣whelm'd with Tears, to hear that they should in a slighting, scoffing way take notice of it. Well, My Dear, you are soon moved I find to Passion, tho I give you no occasion; but satisfie your self, that hence∣forth, I shall be content that you please your self, and rise when you think it con∣venient. Do what you please, Sir, only I beg of you to talk to me no longer; for I am very full of Pain, and would de∣sire you to send to our Neighbours not to come because I am so much indisposed; Love, says he, they shall come, and be well treated too; for Gods sake let me alone, and do what you will. Then one of the Nurses attaques him with her de∣ceitful Tongue, pray Sir, do not force my Mistress to speak, it is very dangerous; for she is a very weak Woman, and if the Wind gets into her Head, it will do her and irreparable Injury (O brave Doctresses!)

then she draws the Curtains, and the Wife and the Husband are not yet Reconcil'd; however she expects the Gossips, who will act their parts so effectually, and give him such Flouts and Jeers, which will so tame him, that he may be easily led any where by the Nose for ever after. Howe∣ver away he goes and makes Provision for them in a more plentiful manner, by rea∣son of the Reproof he received from his Wife. The Gentlewomen at the time ap∣pointed appear, he welcomes them all, and conducts them to his Wife's Chamber; where they and the sick Woman Eat and Drink heartily, to a more than becoming Festivity, and Flirt and Joke with the Master of the House, till they have quite dispirited him, and made him a meer Mamma Mouchey; so that now he is con∣tent to do any thing for a quiet Life, dan∣dle the Brat in his Arms, dry the pist Clouts on his Horns, for fear the Nurse curse him, or else his Wife (having got the better end of the Staff) tell him plain∣ly, he shall never more enter her Premises. This comfortable Life he must lead; his Wife must be maintained at a high rate, and have her Will in all things; he must live Meanly and Penuriously, having his will in nothing; and thus he is caught in

the Net, where he struggles to no purpose, for there he must Live, in spight of Fate, Despicably, and die Wretchedly.