The Fifteen comforts of rash and inconsiderate marriage, or, Select animadversions upon the miscarriages of a wedded state done out of French.

THE First COMFORT. Young Formality, and a Foppish Fe∣male Citt.

YOUTH is naturally inclined to Mirth and Gallantry, with all the Briskness and Gaiety ima∣ginable; has Limbs agile and active, fancying nothing but Musick, Dancing, Balls and Plays, where the Variety of Female Objects fire the Young Sparks, in so much as Love soon breaks out, and many times to their Ru∣in and Destruction. In this Heat of Pas∣sion the Youngster visits Ladies, Comple∣ments after the new mode, Caresses them with all demonstrations of fervent Affe∣ctions, makes his Amours with a kind of starch'd Formality, which turns all into Ridicule, tho possibly that set way of Courship may please the Foppish Female Cit, and gratifie her Childish Humour: Thus far he proceeds with Applause and

Acceptance, but this will no way satis∣fie the Young Gentleman, he must come to Embraces, free her from the Curse of Barrenness, and himself from the Scandal of Impotence; and now the Game be∣gins; he is pregnant with Love and must be delivered, tho the Remedy proves ten times worse than the Disease; in short he plies the business so briskly, and pursues her with that Warmth and Constancy, that she can no longer resist, but in spight of all her Maiden Modesty, must yield to his Proposals, tho she perchance Counterfeit a Blush at the Condescention, she be∣ing as ready to comply with him, as he to apply himself to her, and as willing to understand the Sweets of the Marriage Bed, as the Hot Youth that so vigorously pursues her. Thus in a short time the whole Business is con∣cluded, and the Solemnity of their Ma∣trimony perform'd with as much, or ra∣ther more Vanity and Expence than is consistent with the Ability of either, or both of them; but fall back, fall edge, the Knot is tied, never to be loosened, but by Death, the Priest having joyn'd them so firmly together, that 'tis impos∣sible to un-hand them again; tho pro∣bably before the Moon hath run her

Menstruous Course, the Husband may ap∣pear like that Grand Luminary in her first Quarter, and she curse the Canonical Garb that fastned them in so strict a Band as that of Marriage, as will appear, and that very suddenly.

Now you must imagine, that our Gal∣lant minds nothing for the present, but the satiating himself with Delight, Dan∣cings, Treats, and such kind of Diversions as usually attend such ridiculous and idle Conjunctions. There appears as yet no∣thing but Mirth and Jollity, no Scene of Sorrow is admitted in this Comedy; his whole design is to pleave and court his Wife with ravishing Addresses, under∣stands nothing but what she approves, nor entertains his Thoughts with any thing but the Contrivance of presenting her with Bagatels and little Toys, such as are apt to gratifie the vain Humor of a foppish young Girl, drawn into the Net, and wheadled or cajol'd into the Pit of Marriage: well, no matter, let them both run their own Career; these seem∣ing Blessings, this Counterfet Felicity, this mask'd Love, and vizarded Content, will prove but short-liv'd, and then let the troubles of the whole time after be balanced with those few suppositious and

imaginary Delights they enjoyed in the Infancy of their Marriage, and the Vexa∣tions of the one will out-weigh the satis∣faction of the other, by so many degrees, that Arithmetick it self can never describe its true and due Proportion. Now the time of Dalliance being over, and the Cares of the World coming upon them, you shall understand a strange and unex∣pected Alteration, which we may call, (and I hope without Offence) the First Comfort of Matrimony.

Now the Wife we must suppose to be well acquainted with the cunning In∣trigues of a married Woman, and is not to be taught her Lesson; Feasts, Gossip∣ings and Treats, have instructed her suf∣ficiently how to personate the subtile Wife with an Uxorious Husband, and she begins to make an essay of her Woman-Craft according to the humor of those she conversed with in the Female Cabals, usu∣ally frequented by her; and thus she be∣gins to play her Pranks: The other day she was invited to a Regale, a very noble Treat indeed, where there was nothing wanting to gratifie the Appetite; she took great notice of the Habit and Attire of se∣veral Wives of her own Rank and Qua∣lity, how richly they were accoutred, and

after the newest Mode; this was so great ••n Eye-sore to her, that she watched an op∣••ortunity to disclose her mind to her Hus∣••band, thinking it but reasonable that she should appear as gay and as Genteel as the best Dame in the Parish. Now you must observe by the way, that that Woman, who is once intoxicated with the Cup of Matrimony, is very strangely qualified, and differently tempered from most of her Sex, if she be not once in twenty four hours troubled with the Sullens or the Pouts (a Disease as natural to her as Gos∣siping, and both incurable) tho counter∣feit and causless; and where think you is the Scene of her Sullenness? why, assu∣redly in Bed, a place where Womens feign∣ed Tears and Sighs have an excellent Fa∣culty of perswasion; and now being brought to Bed, let us examine her De∣portment, there she lies like the Statue of Niobe petrified, and for a time as senceless; whereupon the amorous Husband begins to accost her with Accollado's and Em∣braces, asking her what is the matter, pre∣thee, my Dear, (saith he) for he can for∣bear no longer, what ail'st thou? To whom she snappishly replies, let me alone, don't disturb me, I am very much indis∣posed, and have reason enough too, God

knows, but you never regard what I say, 〈◊〉〈◊〉 or suffer, your Unkindness sticks so close•• to my heart, that nothing will remove it•• but Death; I'm sure I shall never rest, but in that place of undisturbed Rest (the on∣ly Dormitory of Mortals) the Grave. Dearest! saith he, you pierce my very Heart, and wound me to the Soul with such severe Language: Why, If I should acquaint you with my Disturbance, it were to no purpose; for I'm confident you would slight it, or which is as bad, think I have private self-ends or designs in it: No, no, you shall tell me, I am resolv'd, come what will on't: Well Sir, since you impose your Commands upon me, I will obey. You are not insensible, I'm sure, that not long since I was in∣vited to a Collation, tho I had not gone, but with your permission and approba∣tion; yet when I was there, with great grief I speak it, I heartily wisht my self at home agen; for there was not one Indi∣vidual Woman in the whole Company, tho of the meanest Rank, but was more gayly cloath'd than my self; I do not speak it out of Pride, tho, I think, I may say without Ostentation, that I am as well extracted, have had as good Edu∣cation, have as commendable a Face,

Carriage and Complexion, without the Artificial Embelishments of Paint, Patch and Powder, as the proudest she of them ••ll. As to my own particular, I solemn∣••y protest, upon the Faith of an honest Woman, I do not value the outward Or∣••aments of Aparrel: For the gaudiest Robes are but the Badges of our Sin and Shame: It is only for your Credit, and ••he Reputation of our Friends and Rela∣••ions that I am so much concern'd. Pre∣••hee how gloriously did they appear? ••ome in Flower'd Sattin Gowns, embroi∣••ered with Gold; Petticoats adorn'd with ••he best Point de Venise, attir'd with their Hair, and their ears adorn'd with costly ••endants, their Necks encompassed with Pearls, and the graver sort in the best ••hree-Pil'd Velvet; insomuch that I, ap∣••earing only in my wedding Gown, and ••hat, tho nigh worn out, the best Suit 〈◊〉〈◊〉 my Ward-robe, could not forbear blush∣••ng all the time I was in Company; nay, •…•…at which troubled me most, was, that ••ne or two of our Neighbours told me, •…•…ey did admire my Husband was not a∣••amed to see me go in so mean a Garb. ••o which the good man replies, Sweet Heart, you know, that we have been at ••reat Charges to furnish our selves so well

as we are; that Trading decays, Losses have befallen us: I have a chargeable Suit at Law to defend next Term for the Re∣covery of your Portion, which will cost me many a fair Pound before I enjoy it. Ay, ay, (quoth she) I did Imagine as much, and expect no other from you, but (what I am now sensible to my Sor∣row) Reproaches; and so in a Pet she flings out of his Arms with Scorn and In∣dignation; pray let me alone, don't come near me; and I'll assure you for the fu∣ture, I'll never open my Lips to you agen as long as I breath upon this acount; therefore pray rest satisfied: But hold, Love, are you angry without a cause? No, no, the contrary is too apparent; the Portion sticks in my stomach as well as yours; had you had nothing with me I am not in a Capacity to bestow any thing upon you now, my Love and Af∣fection to you, methinks should prevent such Reflections; but you know, as mean as I was, that I was Courted by several before ever you made any Address to me, who would have been glad with all their hearts to have married me without so much as a Smock to cover my Shame, had not you interpos'd and gained my Heart, which now you study to plague

and Torment. O unfortunate Woman ••hat I am! but I must be content with my choice, and bear all as patiently as I can; would I were as deep in the ground as I am high, and then you would be rid of me, and I of my trouble: Really Love, saith the Novice, you do not well in using of me thus, ask what you please, and you shall have it to the utmost of my Ability; but yet I must have a Care of the main Chance; prithee turn to me, my dear: for Gods sake, let me be quiet; if you thought no more of fondness in this na∣ture, than I do, you would never come near me more, I am not so Bucksom, I'll assure you: Ay, but Child, saith he, in a Jocular way, if my Head were once laid, you would soon be Married agen, I war∣••ant you; would I, (saith she) in truth, I find so little Pleasure or Comfort in a Wedded Condition, that if I were once unmarried, I would be so far from it, that ••he best he, that ever laid Leg over Wo∣man, should never so much as touch my ••ips, as long as I have a day to live, take ••hat from me, and be satisfied. With ••his kind of Dissimulation she entertains ••he Fop, who is both in Pleasure and Pain ••t once; in Pleasure to think she is so Cold ••nd Chast a Wife; in Pain, because he

sees her so much disturbed. Thus she Treats him all Day with a Contracted Brow, and all night with such flattering Discourses, not one good word is he wor∣thy of, so that he is forced to beat his Brains for Money to purchase the Rich Gown and Petticoat, the want of which is the Source and Original of both their Discontents. Well! they must be had, quo jure, quaque injuria, by Hook, or by Crook, no slumher will seize upon his Eye lids, till this be procured; away he goes, susque deque, hand over head, taking up, upon Credit, Silks, Laces, Jewels, and what not, and then returns home in Triumph, with the Spoil of the Mercer's Shop, and calls down his Wife to survey the desired Purchase; which she no sooner spies, but like acunning Baggage dissem∣bles, and says, Fy, Husband, in troth, you are now to blame, these are too Rich Vest∣ments for a person of my Condition, they will not at all become me, I fear: beshrew the hearts of those lofty Dames, that first invented such costly Apparel; I would not give six pence for the best Gown that ever Female body was Tenant to: but however, since you have been so kind, let me beg one supernumerary favour of you not to hit me in the Teeth hereafter with

it, and say, I put you to this chargeable expence: for upon my Reputation (and that is not to be valued) it was none of my intention; I desire no other Garb than what is requisite for Warmth and Decen∣cy. Now all is well, and the Man shall have his Mare agen; they live lovingly and quietly till the day (O that fatal day!) of Payment; the Money cannot be procur'd to stop the Mouths of his Cre∣ditors, who being disappointed, use the utmost rigour of the Law against him, seize his Body and Goods, extend his Lands, turn his Wife a grazing into the wide World, where she has only the liberty of choosing what Kingdom she pleases to beg in, and he, poor undone Man, is clapt into a Goal, there to endure a close and beggarly Confinement, durante vita; where he has time and room enough to lament his Deplorable Condition. The Woman she returns to her Friends, Cursing the hour that she was born in: never such a disgrace befel a Woman of her Birth and Education. Alas! Alas! (saith she) have I studied oeconomie all my life long, and ta∣ken so much pains in governing my Fa∣mily, been as sparing as any good Wife in the Parish, and all to keep both ends together, and is it come to this at last? O

Death, come and put a Period to my Mi∣sery! Thus the harmless Woman bemoans her misfortune, lays all the fault at the poor Man's door, (poor Man indeed) and now he is fast in the Net, and the more he struggles, the more he is intangled; in short, he's laid up for his Life, and his Creditors, (for that's all they're like to have) may make Dice of his Bones.