The English Spira being a fearful example of an apostate who had been a preacher many years and then apostatized from his religion, miserably hanged himself, October the 13th, 1684 : giving an account of his dispair, and divers conferences had with him, by several ministers and others of his friends : together with his answer, and papers written by his own hand / left attested by Mr. T. Plant, Mr. H. Collings, Mr. B. Dennis, Mr. B. Keach.

The Effect of a Conference between Mr. John Child and Mr. B. K.

ABout the middle of July 1684. Mr. B. K. went to see Mr. Child, not hearing the least report of any trouble he was then under, and after some discourse which passed between them, Mr. K. occa∣sionably mentioned that Book called, A Second Argument, telling Mr. Child, he was reported to be the Author thereof: which he presently acknowledged, and cried out against himself in a bitter manner, saying, What he had done therein, was out of Malice and Revenge against those People; and seemed to abhor himself for casting such abominable Reproaches upon them, whom he said, he knew deserved it not; and presently desired Mr. K. to go up stairs with him, which he did: and then he farther signified to him his deplorable condition, and what horror and anguish of Soul he lay under, and that there was no mercy for him. And Mr. K. being on a sudden surprized with his deep expression of horror, of which he had heard nothing, it did amaze him; yet he endeavoured with the utmost of his ability to comfort him, by shewing the greatness of Gods mercy to true penitent persons, together with the infinite worth and value of Christ's Bloud, telling him withal, that he was glad to find he had the sence of his great Evil on his heart, or words to that effect, and that he hoped this breaking, was in order to heal∣ing: But Mr. Child said, he doubted of that. And all the Words and Arguments Mr. K. could use to satisfie him, were in vain: so that at that time, it being late at night, he took his leave of him.

Mr. K. Soon after, he came to seek me at my house; but then I could not stay long with him.—But a few days after, when he sent for me, I went, and found him in bed rowling and tumbling up and down in a lamentable manner, enough to pierce ones heart. I

said to him, Mr. Child, I thought by your deportment, when you was at my house, the burden was pretty well off; or to that effect.

Mr. Child.

No; no; my burden is greater than I can bear—I would fain be satisfied as touching one thing.

Mr. K.

What is that?

Mr. Jo. Child.

Whether my sin may not be that against the Holy Ghost.

Mr. K.

I hope and believe it is not.

Mr. Child.

But I wrote the Book out of malice.

Mr. K.

There is a great deal of difference between doing a thing out of malice and prejudice against the Lord's People, and acting out of ma∣lice against Christ himself, or doing despight to the Spirit of Grace. I do not doubt, but that you always had holy and reverent dread and respect to the Name of God, tho' you might take up a great offence against some of his People.

Mr. Child.

I have often had▪ that Scripture brought to me, Psal. 50.19, 20. Thou givest thy mouth to evil, and with thy tongue thou forgest deceit. Thou sittest and speakest against thy brother, and slanderest thy mothers son. And of that which follows: Consider this, ye that forget God, lest I tear you in pieces.

Mr. K.

But pray observe, tho' you should be guilty of that great evil there mentioned, yet there is ground of hope in that you are exhorted to con∣sider—I used many Arguments to perswade him to rely on the mercy of God thro' Christ, mentioning that passage of the Prophet David, Forgive me my sin, for it is great; and how wonderfully he had manifested and magnified the attribute of his mercy, in pardon∣ing great and bloudy sinners.

Mr. Child.

(Breaking forth into bitter tears, cried out) I know that the Majesty of Heaven is a good and gracious Being, yet when provo∣ked (stretching forth his hands in a frightful manner) he is a terrible God.

Mr. K.

I think it is necessary that you retract what you have written in that Book, for that I think nothing short of it will be a demonstration of the sincerity of your heart; and proof of the truth of your repentance.

Mr. Child.

I have begun to write, but I cannot write, neither have I any one of the Books.

Mr. K.

I will see and get you one of them, and send it to you.

At another time I advised him to consult some Physician about his health.—To which he made no answer.

Mr. K.

Shall I acquaint any persons with your condition? (mention∣ing some worthy Ministers to him, whom he knew Mr. Child for∣merly had a great esteem for.)

Mr. Child.

I should be glad to s••e, Mr. P.

Mr. K.

assured him he would do his endeavour therein, and ac∣cordingly did, and made known his fearful state to divers others; by which means Mr. J. sent him a comfortable Letter, and many godly persons went to visit him.

Mr. K.

at another Visit not long before his death, perceiving the anguish of his Spirit was rather greater than ever, asked him, Have you not yet any more light?

Mr. Child.

No, nor never shall.

Mr. K.

Shall I and two or three more, such as you shall best approve of, come and spend some time in Prayer to the Lord for you? — To which he gave no answer, tho' much prest to it.

Mr. Child

at another time said, I have touched the Apple of God's Eye—I am damned.

Mr. Child's

Wife said, That she found sometimes in the night-season, that the very ends of his Hair did stand in drops, thro' the anguish of his Spirit, continually crying out against himself for wri∣ting that Book.—

A Letter in July 1684. from Mr. J. to Mr. Child.

I Am informed that your Soul is greatly afflicted in the sence of your E∣vil: I design not to add to your grief, but as I ought to pity the af∣flicted. Our Lord will not break the bruised Reed, nor quench the smoak∣ing Flax: And I have learned from him my part, the duty of a true Neighbour, to do what I can for cleansing and healing the Wounds you have made in your own Conscience.

Thereforefore, I pray you consider, 1. God's own Children are sometimes guilty of backsliding. 2. That 'tis the Will of God, they should return to him from whom they have revolted. 3. That he is ready to receive and heal them upon their return; and I pray God you may be helpt to say the next words in sincerity of heart: Behold I come unto thee, for thou art the Lord my God.

Consider, upon repentance and returning,* 1.1 God will abundantly pardon such as have abundantly sinned. The Lord help you to plead as David did, For thy name sake, pardon my iniquity, for it is great.* 1.2

Consider, Christ is able to save to the utmost,* 1.3 them that come un∣to God by him. Let these few Lines be acceptable to you, from him who prayeth for you, and remains

Your Cordial Friend, J. J.

Upon the receipt and reading this Letter, Mr. Child was heard to say, What! is J. J. whom I have so greatly envied, so kind to me? and presently set Pen to Paper, and writ, and in some few days sent a doleful Letter to the said J. J. A Copy whereof follows.

Mr. J.

July 30. 1684.

YOurs I received this day, but without date, the latter part of which hath attained its wish and desire; for it is very acceptable unto me, and can be no otherwise, where the least degrees of gratitude do remain. And for the Expressions of your Christian love, and desires of my happiness in all respects, lays a double obligation upon me to esteem your friendship. What you have been informed of, my Souls affliction, is true, and I think no small cause for it, dishonour to God, grieving his Spirit, sinning against Christ, blaspheming his Tabernacle, persecuting the Saints, grieving and wounding thousands dear to Jehovah; stumbling the Weak, shortning Life, weakning Senses, destroying rational Powers, giving occasion to the wicked to blaspheme, and the uncircumcised to rejoyce; the destroying inward Peace and outward Felicity, the turning Light into Darkness, and the Noon∣day into horrible Night; the provoking God to make the Heavens Brass, the Earth Iron, and the Rain nothing but Powder and Dust; the shutting a man out from the comforts of the Promises, and bringing of him under the most dismal Threats that ever an Almighty Being gave forth; mar∣ring all Comforts, spoiling all Joys, making the Life a Burthen, and Death a Terrour; the putting besides Duty, and all acceptable improvements of Talents; the giving the Devil advantage, and bringing the Salvation into imminent danger; the being possest with Doubts, Fears, and Trem∣blings night and day; the sad savour of Gall and Wormwood, and harsh relish of Gravel-stones; the sad apprehensions of Curses, Blasting, and Mildew, of Caterpillars, Locusts, and Cancer-worms; the dismal sound of the mad Prophets words, I shall see him, but not now, I shall be∣hold him, but not nigh, is a sufficient ground of Soul-affliction. Your tender aim and charitable design in the balmy Application you sent, I have reason well and kindly to resent, and wish they had been high enough to hit the mark, and have answered the design. Had I been a Backslider of an ordinary size, they might have had an effectual Operation: but to that it's vastly different; I have a Voice behind me, or dire Texts, that make a dreadful sound. To love and to make lyes, is a qualification for the Lake. He shall have Judgment without mercy, that shewed none. To offend one little one, is a sin against Christ, and a condition worse than to have a Milstone about the neck with a cast into the Sea. To slander the Mothers Son, is near destruction by a tearing to pieces; but what is prepared and

justly deserved, for condemning many Generations of the just; branding and wounding and grieving Thousands and Ten Thousands of good and just Men, by charging Consequences upon their Principles, beyond the sence of their minds, and rendring them not only mislead and deceived, but no Church, no Christians, vile Monsters, Infidels, Robbers of God, my, Murderers of the worst sort and highest order, great Enemies to their Na∣tive Country; but the aking of my Heart, stops the progress of my Hand, upon the repetition of these astonishing things. I thank you for your kind∣ness; I beg pardon for my own shortness, and conclude these Lines very sad and hopeless.

John Child.

After the receipt of this from Mr. J. Child, J. J. wrote again to him to this effect:

Mr. John Child,

Aug. 1. 1684.

IN continuance of my tender Compassions, because of your Soul's Affli∣ctions, and being encouraged by your kind acceptance of those few Lines I sent you before, I now write again, taking notice of your many doleful Expressions, wherein you highly, and, I hope, humbly aggravate your Backsliding from God, wronging his Servants, and toward the close, that my application of God's healing backsliding Children, might have hit the Mark, had you been a Backslider of an ordinary size; Now there∣fore, that I may be a little helpful to your distressed Soul, (if the Lord please to support you from sinking into the sad Gulph of Despair,) 1st. Con∣sider the greatness of David's sin of Adultery, and contriving the Death of Uriah, yet being truly penitent, he was graciously pardoned. 2ly, The greatness of Manasseh's Sins, his Idolatry, causing his Children to pass thro' the Fire, using Inchantments and Witchcrafts, dealing with Familiar Spi∣rits, filling Jerusalem with Innocent Blood; yet humbling himself in his misery, he obtained mercy of God. 3ly, That God hath offered mercy to scarlet and crimson sinners. 4ly, Not only to ordinary but extraordinary backsliders. 5ly, To Peter, after he denied his Master with Cursing and Swearing. 6ly, Christ came to save the chief of sinners. 7ly, He will in no wise cast off any that come to him, and is able to save them to the utmost. Submit therefore to Mercy upon a probability; upon a perhaps God may forgive; Go to Christ as one condemned, and deserving to be executed, and plead, that you have heard the King of Israel is a merciful King. Thus, with my Prayers for you, I am

Your Soul's real Friend, J. J.

After Mr. John Child received this Letter, Mr. J. F. and other Friends visiting him, he read it to them, trembling and paraphra∣sing thereon, sadly bemoaning himself, saying, that the mercy that David, Manasseh, and Peter had, did not belong to him, and wept biterly.

Mr. J. F. advised him to write an Answer of that Letter, to Mr. J. J. which in few days he did, and sent it by Mr. F. but be∣fore it was delivered, Mr. Child came himself to Mr. J. who gave him a friendly welcome, and asked how it was with him? he answered, I am very bad; it is very bad with me. Mr. J. replied, But God is very good, yea, abundantly good to them who have been abundantly bad to him. Mr. Child laid his hand upon his breast, and said, I shall never lose those Notions of God's goodness, but what is that to me? I cannot make any application of it to myself, and as he was walking to and fro, greatly disturbed in his mind, he made a sudden stand, and said, I think I am damned. To which Mr. J. returned to this effect: God's thoughts are not as Man's thoughts;* 3.1 sometimes Men think of themselves better than God thinks of them; sometimes Men think worse of them∣selves, and of their state, than God thinketh: I hope God's thoughts concerning you, differ from your thoughts in this latter sence; think on that Text, Isa. 55.8. My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord. Mr. Child said, I have Preached from that Text formerly, and presently repeated these words: Esau found no place for Repentance, though he sought it carefully with Tears.* 3.2 Mr. J. replied, Esau could not prevail with his Father. Then Mr. Child sat down very sad, and said, I cannot repent. Mr. J. replied, Christ is exalted as a Prince and a Saviour, to give repentance and forgiveness of sins; Therefore cry to him to give you this repentance. Mr. Child (after a little time of silence) repeated that word, He shall have judgment without mercy, that shewed no mercy.

It is observable, that Mr. Child's design in coming to Mr. J. was to engage him not to shew the Letter which he had sent him by Mr. F. but to conceal it; and while they were reasoning together, Mr. F. came in, and delivered the Letter to Mr. J. but after he had read it, he told Mr. Child, it was not convenient to conceal the matter of it, because it would engage godly persons to pray for him; but Mr. Child, with a dreadful look, fixed his Eyes on Mr. J. snacht the Letter out of his hand, and then was troubled he had so done; whereupon Mr. J. consented to his carrying it

away, that he might not increase the trouble of his mind; which Mr. Child took kindly: and so they parted.

After the death of Mr. Child, that Letter was found among his Papers; a Copy whereof take as follows.

Mr. J. J.

YOur kind and Christian Letter I received, and I thank you for the great Pains you took to comfort me, and keep me from immediate desperation; but still my Burden remains great, and mine Iniquities are great date, and many Old Sins, as well as some of late, come to mind; — Wrath is coming to the utmost: I am forsaken of God; Good Men are mine Enemies; I hate my self; I am afraid and ashamed abroad; I am confused and distracted at home; The Scriptures look dreadfully upon me; I have not only taken up a Reproach against my Neighbour, which ex∣cludes a man God's holy hill, Psal. 15. but have raised Reproach, invent∣ed Reproach, and by it wronged multitudes; slanderously reported it to the Nation: It's just by St. Paul's sentence, Afraid I am to live, afraid I am to die; Judgment I fear will be terrible in this World, and more in the World to come: Some mens sins go before-hand to judgment, and those that do not, cannot be hid when we come before the great Tribunal; I cannot give an account of my Actions to Men, how much less to God, my Heart condemns me, and he is greater, and knows more; I think I have not only out done Cain, Balaam, and Judas, but many of the Devils themselves; What I acted against Men was at an ill time; there is all bad Circumstan∣ces attended my Actions; I could not have thought I had done such things, till I lately lookt them over; I dread Damnation, but can see no way to escape; I know God's mercy is great above the Heavens, but it is barred up and cannot pass to me, I cannot perform the condition of obtaining; I have dismal Temptations, they have almost broken me to pieces; I am not reconciled to those I have offended, how then shall my gift be accepted; If I am justly sentenc'd on Earth, it is bound in Heaven; how then shall it be reversed? my Friends will not be reconciled and at peace with me: Much more I could write, but want time. I remain him that calls him∣self, a Devil incarnate.

To which Letter of Mr. Child's— Mr. J. upon the memory of what he had read, might before Mr. Child took it out of his hand, return an Answer to this effect, That he simpathiz'd with his Sor∣rows, and was very much concerned at the dreadful charge there∣in laid upon himself, which by all the Arguments in Scriptures he could think upon, he endeavoured to remove the weight that op∣prest

his mind from their influence, and particularly, that his Bre∣thren whom he had offended, were ready with open Arms and Hearts to receive him, and forgive any wrongs he had done unto them. Much of the Matter of the Letter we have omitted, because of its similitude with what he had formerly wrote.

Notes

• * 1.1

  Isai. 55
• * 1.2

  Psal. 2••
• * 1.3

  Heb. 7.
• * 3.1

  〈◊〉〈◊〉. 8 41,
• * 3.2

  〈◊〉〈◊〉 ••0.12.