Of wisdom three books / written originally in French by the Sieur de Charron ; with an account of the author, made English by George Stanhope ...

CHAP. XII. The Duties of a Married State.

[unspec 1] IN Regard the Persons under this Condition may be con∣sidered in different Respects, according to that Mixture of Equality and Inequality, which I have observed to be in their Circumstances, it must needs follow, that the Du∣ties peculiar to such a State, are of Two Sorts; Some common to both, and Others appropriated to each of the Parties. Now, of those that are reciprocal, the Obligation is entirely the same; and the Consciences of both are e∣qually violated by the Breach of them; though, accord∣ing to the Customs of the World, the Penalty, and Re∣proach, and Inconvenience fall more Heavy on one side, than they do on the other. By these reciprocal Duties, I understand, an Entire Affection, steady Loyalty, uncor∣rupted Fidelity, and unreserved Communication of all things whatsoever; so that Neither of them have any thing they can call their own, exclusive to the Right and Claim of the Other. To these we may add a prudent, and pro∣vident Care, and the Exercise of a just Authority over their Family, a diligent Inspection into their Manners, and consulting the Advantage of all that belong to them.* 1.1 Of this Subject we have spoken more at large in the first First Part of this Treatise.

[unspec 2] The Other sort are Duties Peculiar to each of the Parties; and These differ, * 1.2 according to the Terms of that une∣qual Relation, in which they stand. For, those of the Hus∣band, considered as Superiour, are. 1. Instructing his Wife, conferring with, and directing her in every Particular, that may any way contribute to their Honour and Advantage; taking Care, that she may be Ignorant in no Part of the Duty expected from her Character, nor defective in any useful and necessary Accomplishments, which she is capable of attaining to; and all this to be done not in a Rough and Magisterial Way; but with all possible Gentleness and

Sweetness, in the softest and most engaging manner, with the Tenderness of a Parent, and the respectful Affection of a Friend. 2. The maintaining her as his Wife; as befits One, whom he hath made the same with himself; and therefore without any Regard to her former Circumstances. Whether she did, or did not bring a Fortune, That alters not the Case one whit; such Considerations are quite out of Doors, and nothing now lies before him, but the pre∣sent Relation between them. He is indeed to be govern∣ed by his own Abilities, and will do well to secure the main Chance; but then all the Frugality upon this Ac∣count must extend to the retrenching his own Expences too: For whatever Figure he allows himself to make; his Wife ought to be supported Suitably and in Proporti∣on to it. 3. The providing her with Clothes, which is a Right so undoubted, that all Laws concur in giving a Wife this Privilege; and that in so Solemn and Incom∣municable a manner, that they have denied the Husband a Power, of disposing any thing of this Kind away from her; and have not left them liable to the Payment of his just Debts. 4. The Rights of the Bed. 5. The Loving, Cherishing, and Protecting her. Those Two Extremes, which the World are apt to run into, are Vicious and Abominable. The keeping them under, and treating them like Servants; and the submitting to them as if they were absolute Mistresses. These I take to be the principal and constant Duties. Others there are, Accidental, and Occa∣sional Duties, secondary to, and consequent upon the for∣mer: Such as, Taking Care of her, if she be sick; Ran∣soming her, if she be taken Captive; Burying her Honour∣ably, and according to her Quality, if she happen to die; and Making Provision by his last Will, for her decent Support in her Widowhood, and the comfortable Subsi∣stence of the Children she hath brought him.

[unspec 3] The Duties of the Wife are to pay all becoming Ho∣nour, and Reverence, and Respect to her Husband; * 1.3 look∣ing upon him, as a kind and Affectionate Master. Ac∣cordingly the Scripture takes Notice, that Women emi∣nent for their Conjugal Virtues, used to call their Hus∣bands Lord; and it is observable, that the same Word in the Hebrew Tongue, signifies Lord and Husband both.

The Imagination, that a Woman lessens her self by this respectful and submissive Behaviour, is most Frivolous and Foolish; for she that discharges this part of her Duty well,

consults her own, more than her Husband's Honour; and she that is Insolent and Imperious, Humoursome and Per∣verse, does the greatest Injury to her self. A Second Du∣ty is Obedience to all his lawful and just Command's, complying with his Humours, and bringing over her own Inclinations to His: For a good and a prudent Wife, is like a true Glass, which makes an exact Reflection of the Face that looks in it. She should have no Design, no Passion, no Thought particular to her self; but to be sure, none in Opposition to His. Like Dimensions and Acci∣dents, which have no Motion, no separate Existence of their own, but constantly move with, and subsist in the Body whereunto they belong; so Wives should always keep close, and be from the very Heart, and even Affecti∣ons of their Souls, entirely, and inseparably united to their Husbands. A Third is Service, That part especially, which relates to the providing him seasonable and Necessary Re∣freshments, over-looking the Kitchin, ordering the Table, and not disdaining to do any Offices, or give him any kind of Assistance about his Person; a Duty so fit to be con∣descended to, that the Antients were wont to reckon Wash∣ing the Feet in particular, among the Instances of Service, due from the Wife to her Husband. Fourthly. Keeping much at Home, upon which Account a Wife is compar'd to a Tortoise, that carries her House upon her Back; and used heretofore to be painted with her Feet Naked, an Emblem of her not being provided for stirring abroad. This is a modest and decent Reserve, requisite at all Times, but more especially in the Absence of her Husband. For a good Wife is the exact Reverse of the Moon; she shines abroad and in full Lustre, when near her Sun; but disappears, and is totally invisible, when at a Distance from him. A Fifth is Silence; for she should never give her self the Liberty of talking much, except with her Hus∣band, or for him; Here indeed her Tongue may take a Loose, and is subject to no other Restraint, than the speak∣ing no more, than is convenient. This, I confess, is a ve∣ry difficult Point, hard of Digestion in this lavish Age; where Multitude of Words sets up for a Female Virtue; and so rare in all Ages,* 1.4 that the Wise Son of Sirach calls a silent Woman a Precious and Particular Gift of God. The Sixth is applying her self to Houswifery and good Management;* 1.5 for though Solomon's Description of a wise and good Woman may be thought too Mean and

Mechanical for this refined Generation, yet certain it is, that the Business of a Family is the most Profitable, nay, the most Honourable Study they can employ themselves in. This is the Reigning Accomplishment, That which so far as Fortune is concerned, ought to be 〈◊〉〈◊〉 esteemed and regarded in the Choice of a Wife; To 〈◊〉〈◊〉 the Truth, This is a Fortune singly, and by it self; the Ob∣servation, or the Neglect of it, without the Addition of any Casualties, is sufficient to ruine, or to preserve, nay, to make a Family. But This hath the Fate of all other Excellencies too, which is to be exceeding rare and scarce. There are, I confess, a great many sordid and scraping Wives, but very few good Managers. But alas! there is a vast deal of Difference between Avarice and Parsimony, and provident Care and good Houswifery.

[unspec 4] As to the Enjoyments indulged in a Married State; Men should always remember, that this is a Chast, a Pure, and a Religious Union; Consecrated to Excellent Mysteries, and Holy Purposes; and therefore, that all the Pleasures of it should be used with Moderation and Sobriety: In such Measures only, as Prudence and Conscience would direct, when consulted seriously, and without any Byass from gross and carnal Affections. And sure it would ve∣ry ill become a Society instituted for mutual Comfort, and the Advancement of Religion, and the preservation of Pu∣rity, to throw off all Restraint; and convert their Pri∣vilege of Lawful Delights, into an Occasion of abandon∣ing themselves to Sensuality and Licentiousness. This is One of those Cases, where no certain Bounds can be pre∣scribed; but it will highly concern all Persons engaged in this State, to consider the Dignity and the Design of it, and to keep themselves under such Reserves, as may nei∣ther profane the one, nor evacuate the other.

Notes

• * 1.1

  Book. I. Chap. 42.
• * 1.2

  Husband's Duty.
• * 1.3

  Wive's Duty.
• * 1.4

  Ecclus. xxvi. 14.
• * 1.5

  Prov. xxxi.