Of wisdom three books / written originally in French by the Sieur de Charron ; with an account of the author, made English by George Stanhope ...

CHAP. IX. Modest and Obliging Behaviour in Conversation.

THIS Particular is properly reducible to the Topick of Justice; a Branch of that Virtue, which instructs us how to live and converse with all Mankind; and to render to every Man, what by any sort of Right becomes his due. And the pro∣per Place for Treating of This will be in the follow∣ing Book; where the different Rules and particular Directions will be laid down, suitable to particular Persons and Occasions. At present you must expect only general Advice, That being agreeable to the Scheme at first Proposed, and such as the Design and Matter of this Second Part of my Treatise is consined to.

[unspec 1] Now this is a Subject, which offers it self to us under a Twofold Consideration, and consequently this Chapter which discourses of it, must of necessi∣ty be divided into Two Parts; according to the Two different sorts of Conversation, which Men use, and are engaged in, with the World. One of these is simple, general, at large, and in common; such as is made up of our ordinary Company, and that Indifferency in Commerce and Acquaintance,

which some accidental Occasion, or Business, or Tra∣velling together, or Meeting in Third Places, or fre∣quent interviews at places of Publick Resort, or the Civilities of Visits and Complemental Ceremonies, do every day lead us into; and so increase, or lessen the number of our Acquaintance, introduce new Familiarities, or change our Old; All, or some of which, happen not only with those we know, but with such as we never knew nor saw before: And This is a Correspondence and Conversation wholly owing to Fortune, and Formality; our own Choice hath nothing to do with it, nor did we seek or take pains to procure, or contract it. The Other sort of Conversation may be called Particular; because con∣sisting of such Companions as we like and love; Acquaintance of our own desiring; such as we ei∣ther industriously sought, and chose to recommend our selves to; or else such as when offered to Us, was most willingly embraced, and that with a pro∣spect of Advantage to our selves; either for the im∣provement of our Minds, or the advancing our In∣terest, or some other Profit or Pleasure, which we hope to reap from an Intimacy with them. And here, we are not to consider such a supersicial Com∣merce as before, but that which is stricter and more endearing, close Conferences, mutual Communica∣tion; secret Confidences, and great Familiarity. Each of which require distinct Rules, and shall have Directions apart. But before we enter upon either of these Considerations, I beg the Readers leave, to lay down One general Rule, which regards them both; and is in truth a Fundamental Principle in the Case before us; for which reason I chuse to place it here, as a necessary Introduction to every part of the subsequent Discourse.

[unspec 2] One very great Vice, which, the Wise-man I am all this while forming,* 1.1 must be sure to keep himself clear of; (and indeed a most Unseasonable and

Troublesome ill Quality it is, both to ones self, and to all he converses with) is the being particularly ad∣dicted to some certain Humours, to keep always in the same road of Conversation. This brings a man into slavery to himself, to be so inseparably wedded to his own Inclination, and Fancy, that he can up∣on no occasion be prevailed with to comply, nor be agreeable to other People; and 'tis a certain sign of a perverse and unsociable Disposition; the Effect of ill-nature and ill-breeding; of unreasonable Arro∣gance, Partiality, and Selfconceitedness: The Men of this Temper have a rare time on't; for, whereever they come, they are sure to meet with Objects enough, either to try their Patience, or to raise a Controversy. On the other hand, It argues great Wisdom, and Sufficiency, when a Man hath an ab∣solute command of his Temper, so that he can ac∣commodate himself to all Companies; and is of such a flexible and manageable Spirit, that he can rise and fall with the Company, be pleasant or serious, keep pace, and constantly make one, with what he finds the rest disposed to. And indeed the best and bravest Men have always the largest and most general Souls; and nothing argues Greatness of Mind more, than this universal Temper; the being always in good hu∣mour, free, and open, and generous in Conversa∣tion. This is a Character so beautiful, that it in some measure resembles God himself, and is a Copy of his Communicative Goodness: And among other things said in Honour of Old Cato, this is one Noble Com∣mendation;* 1.2 That he was of a Disposition so dextrous and easy, that nothing ever came amiss to him; and what∣ever you saw him engaged in at that time, he was so per∣fectly Master of it, that you would imagine this, the very thing, which Nature had cut him out for.

[unspec 3] Having premised this general Consideration, which is of use in both the following Branches of the Sub∣ject,* 1.3 I am now upon; let us return to the former part of the Division, which concerns what I called Simple, and General, and Common Conversation; in distinction from that other, which is Chosen, and Intimate, and Particular.

[unspec 1] Now for Our Behaviour in this Point; there are several things very proper and necessary to be obser∣ved; and the First thing I would advise, is, To be very Reserved and Modest in our Discourse.

[unspec 4] The Second is, Not to be out of humour with eve∣ry foolish, or indiscreet thing; every little Indecen∣cy, or Levity, which want of better Sense, or better Breeding, or some unthinking Gaiety of mind may betray Men to: For we are to consider, when in Company, that we are in some degree disposed of to Others, and no longer entirely our Own; so that, al∣lowing the Thing to have been otherwise than it ought, and better let alone; yet it is troublesome, and impertinent in Us to take offence at every thing, which is not just as we would have it, or think it ought to be.

[unspec 5] The Third is, Not to be too profuse of speaking all we know; but to play the good Husbands, and manage the Stock of our Understanding prudently. For Reservedness is not unbecoming even the wisest, and best provided for Discourse; so far as it argues a Deference to the rest of the Company, and de∣clines that Assuming way of talking All. But gene∣rally it is adviseable, that Men should be more incli∣ned to hear, than to speak; and converse, rather with a prospect of informing Themselves, than with an Intention to teach the Company. For indeed 'tis a very great sault, to be more forward in setting ones self on, and Talking to shew ones Parts; than to Learn the Worth, and to be truly acquainted with the Abi∣lities of other Men: He that makes it his business not

to Know, but to be Known, is like a foolish Trades∣man, that makes all the haste he can to fell off his old 〈◊〉〈◊〉, but takes no thought of laying in any new.

[unspec 6] The Fourth is, Not to lie upon the Catch for Di∣sputes; nor to shew our Wit, by perpetually entring into Argument; and even, when it is proper to do so, with regard to the Subject, yet to make a diffe∣rence, as to the Persons, with whom we are to en∣gage. We ought not to contest a Point with Persons of Honour, and those that are much above us; it is a breach of the Deference and Respect due to their Character. Nor will it become us to do it with those that are much below us, either in Quality, or in Parts; for neither of these are an equal Match for us; To the One we are restrained by Good Manners; and the Other is to Triumph, where we ought rather to be ashamed of the Victory.

[unspec 7] The Fifth Rule is, To be Modestly Inquisitive: For there is a decent and very commendable Curio∣sity, such as with great Innocence and Temper, and genteel Address, endeavours to be informed of all things sit to be known; and when a Man hath at∣tained to this, his next care must be to manage his Knowledge to the best advantage, and make every thing turn to some account with him.

[unspec 8] The Sixth and most important Direction is, To make use of his Judgment upon all occasions; for the examining and considering Matters well is the Ma∣ster-piece of a Man; 'Tis This, that acts, and influ∣ences, and finishes All. Without the Understanding every thing is void of Sense and Life, and in all re∣spects as if it were not. Thus in History particularly, How poor a thing is it to remember the Passages we read? The judging of what is done is the Soul and Energy of Reading: But this perhaps you will think a little out of season here; and so far I confess it is, that the acting this judicious part in Conversation,

is what concerns a Man's self, and not the Company he is engaged in.

[unspec 9] The Seventh is, Never to talk positively, nor be peremptory in any thing: And above all things, to avoid that Magisterial and Imperious Air, that pre∣tends to Dictate to all the Company; That Stiffness and Opiniatrety, which is, of all things in the World, the most nauseous and offensive. An insolent dog∣matical Humour is what no body can help being pro∣voked at; and indeed it is usually a sign of a Sense∣less Ignorant Fellow. The Style of the Ancient Ro∣mans was so extremely modest, that even the Wit∣nesses in their Depositions, and the Judges in their Sentences and Decrees, when they spoke nothing but from their own positive and certain Knowledge, did always soften their Expressions with an Ita videtur, To the best of my Knowledge, and This is my Judgment. And if these Persons were so much upon their Guard in those most Solemn Occasions; what ought the Generality of People to be in Common Discourse? Sure it were convenient, for a Man to accustom himself to all those Expressions, that may any way sweeten the harshness, or take off from the rashness of what we say; such as, Possibly, As they say, In my Opinion, In some sense; And so again, when we reply to others, to qualify our Answers thus, Sir, I do not apprehend you; what is the meaning of that? nay possibly it may be so, say you so? or the like. By all which we sufficiently make our own Sense understood, but convey it in a less shocking manner.

I will conclude this first general part of the Chap∣ter with this short Admonition; That the true Qua∣lifications for conversing with the World, are* 1.4 an open good-natur'd face, a free air, pleasing and agreable to

every body; a mind close and secret, open to no body; a Tongue sober and reserved, such Discretion as is always upon its Guard, and lays not too much stress upon other People; in short, The Man that sees and hears a great deal, that talks little, and judges every thing, is perfectly accomplished, as to this Point.

[unspec 10] Let us now proceed to the other Consideration, and that part of Conversation which is Chosen and Particular.* 1.5 And here these following Hints may probably be of some use, for the due Government of our selves.

The First concerns the Choice of our Acquaint∣ance; in which it should be our great care, to find out Men of the best Sense, and soundest Judgment; and to frequent the Company of such. For by conferring with Wise and Judicious Persons, the Mind whets and fortifies it self; it improves every day, hath stronger and higher Notions of Things, and is elevated above its common pitch. As on the other hand, it degenerates and falls off, grows poor, and weak, and despicably low; by using the Con∣versation of People that are so: For Ill Qualities are catching as well as Diseases; and the Mind is at least as much, if not a great deal more, liable to Infection, than the Body.

[unspec 11] The Second is, Not to be Surprized, or much Of∣fended with the Opinions of other People; for how different soever they may be from our Own, or from Those commonly entertained in the World; how odd and extravagant, how frivolous and absurd so∣ever they may appear to Us, yet still they are suited, it seems, to the Notions and Nature of a Human Mind; which, like a fertile Soil, is in a capacity of producing all manner of Seed; and therefore it is a Weakness in us to be amazed at a Crop, so very unlike what grows in our own part of this common Field.

[unspec 12] The Third is, Not to be afraid of Correction, nor surprized or troubled for any rough Treatment, or sharp expressions, which it shall fall to our Lot to receive. For These are Things, that a Man ought by all means to harden himself against, and learn to bear them without being moved. Brave Men ex∣press themselves boldly; they speak and spare not; This nice and ceremonious Softness, this tender Com∣plaisance, so fearful to give the least umbrage, is fit for none but Women, and formal Coxcombs: Men ought to Converse like Men; their Familiarity should be open and free, masculine and generous, full of courage and becoming confidence; they should dare, both to give and take Reproof, when occasion requires. It is but a dull and insipid Plea∣sure, to have always to do with such supple and well-bred Fools, as Consent, and Flatter, and Ap∣plaud all you say, be it True or False, Right or Wrong, Indifferently.

[unspec 13] The Fourth is, To make Truth our Constant Aim and End; to direct all Discourses hither, to acknowledge it wheresoever we meet it, to yield to it fairly and chearfully; For This is a Mark of In∣genuity, to make no difference or respect of Per∣sons, but give up our Assent to Truth, let it come from what hand it will; To be Honest and Sincere upon all occasions, and in all our disputes; and not like Pedantick Wretches, who affect to shew their Parts, maintain an Argument, right or wrong, and wrangle for Victory, and the last Word; and think it a Reproach to give out, and not Silence their Ad∣versary. The noblest Conquest, after all, is to conquer one's own Vanity; and the truest Glory, is to submit to Reason; for This we are sure is Victo∣ry indeed; but an Adversary may be bastled by Art and Management; a Good Cause may suffer by a weak and unskilful Defence; This is not carrying a Point, but triumphing over an Infirmity; and there∣fore

all Heat, and Positiveness, and Passion, should be avoided. When a Man confesses his Mistake, owns his Scruples, or his Ignorance; and acknow∣ledges his Faults, when made sensible of them; when he can yield quietly and decently to stronger Reasons; This Man shews more than common Marks of Judgment, and Candour, and Sincerity; which are indeed the principal Qualities of Ho∣nesty and Wisdom; But Stiffness and Obstinacy is an irrefragable Evidence of an ill Mind; and a sure sign of great, and many Vices and Defects.

[unspec 14] Fifthly. When we engage in any Dispute, it will be very advisable, not to trouble one's self with mustering up all the Arguments that can any way be serviceable to us; but rather out of that Variety to cull out a few of the best, most pertinent, and such as come up to our purpose; and to put These into as close and short a method, as conveniently we can. For let a Man talk never so well, yet he may say too much; and the best Subjects may be ren∣dred tedious. And indeed, this Affected way of Enlargement, and Spinning out our Discourses; our Repetitions and formal Amplifications, are a cer∣tain sign of a Man's Ostentation, and Vanity, and loving to hear himself Talk; and as such, it is cer∣tain too, to be troublesome and offensive, and ne∣ver fails to tire, and to prejudice the Company against us.

[unspec 15] The Sixth, and indeed the Chief, Direction is, To observe due Form and Order, and not to make im∣pertinent Digressions and Excursions in our Discour∣ses. Oh the horrid Confusion, and Vexation, that there is in disputing or talking, with an impertinent Coxcomb; that ventures at All, knows nothing of the Matter, will be kept to no Method, but is eter∣nally out of Time! This seems the only reasonable excuse for breaking abruptly, and renouncing all Measures; nay, for leaving the Field, and giving

quite out. For, what can you expect but Teazing and Torment, from a Fellow, that is Untractable, and Incorrigible? Not to discern the Strength of what you offer against him, to take his own course, to run away with his own Notions, and never Re∣ply to the Objections of an Adversary; to hang upon some one word; to catch hold upon a thing accidental and by the by; and let go the principal and designed Argument of Discourse; to con∣found and jumble all; suspect every word; deny every thing at a venture; to proceed in no order; to weary you with formal Prefaces, and unprofita∣ble Digressions; and after a world of words, no∣thing to the purpose, to grow Loud and Clamorous; to stick to his own Sense, and not to be one whit moved by all one can say; to insist upon Forms and Terms of Art; and never come to the true head of an Argument, nor know the real Merits of the Cause; These are the Qualities, and common Pra∣ctice of Pedants and Sophisters, Arrogant and Af∣fected Coxcombs. And from this Description we may very easily learn, how to distinguish between judicious and pertinent Wisdom, and prating Im∣pertinence and Folly. This is Bold and Rash, Hot and Fierce, Arrogant and Assured; the Former is never Confident or Positive; but Cautious and Fear∣ful; Modest and Referved; Calm and Peaceable. The Wise Man is full of Respect, and free in ma∣king Allowances; obtains his Victory fairly, and uses it generously; but the Impertinent is full of Self-satisfaction and Joy; leaves the field with an air of Gaiety and Boasting; as taking for granted that the Day is his own; all his Countenance and Behaviour is triumphant, and proclaims to the Company, that he looks upon himself as absolute Conqueror.

[unspec 16] Lastly. When we are reduced to a necessity of contradicting any thing said; particular care should

be taken, that we do it not after a bold and assu∣ming manner; nor betray any thing that looks like Eagerness and a Spirit of Contention. For, if it have any of these ill Symptoms, it can never be well received; and the Mischief will be much great∣er to the Author himself, than to the Person whom it is directed against. The only way to render any opposition tolerably easy to the Company, and to be secure from any of those ill Resentments, which are apt to follow upon it, is to contrive, that it should be produced upon the spot, and immediately applied to the Matter, which gave the Provocation; that it be not far fetched, not foreign to the pre∣sent Discourse, nor ripping up somewhat long past and forgotten. It must also be levelled at the Thing alone, and be free from any Personal Refle∣ctions; nor must we contradict any thing because such a one says it, but merely because the Thing it self deserves, and the vindication of Innocence or Truth requires it. In which case, if there be any manner of occasion put into our hands, it is a very proper expedient, to soften the difference of Opi∣nion, with some particular Commendation of the Person we oppose; But above all things, we must be sure that in all matters of this Nature, we com∣mand our Temper; and Reason with all the Cool∣ness, and calm Argument; the gentlest Terms, and most inoffensive Language, that is possible.

Notes

• * 1.1

  Easiness of Humour.
• * 1.2

  Huic versatile ingenium; Sic pariter ad omnia suit, ut na∣tum ad id unum dic••es, quodcunque agere••.
• * 1.3

  First part. And Ad∣vice upon it.
• * 1.4

  Frons aperta, Lingua parca, Mens clau••a, Nulli sidere. Vide, Audi, Judica.
• * 1.5

  Second part. Particular Conversa∣tion.