The first part of youths errors. Written by Thomas Bushel, the superlatiue prodigall

To his louing Brother Edward Bushel Esquire.

••lomon sayth, He that couereth his sins shall not prosper, but whoso confesseth and forsaketh them shall haue mercy. Prou. 28.13.

IT is not vnknowne to your selfe nor the world, that I conti∣nued a prentiship the superlatiue Prodigal, either I am ashamed to diuulge, ••hen God himself commands vpon ••enalty of eternall damnation, * 1.1 yet it

griues my very soule that euer I ga•••• occasion to be recorded. But I ho•••• this my irrecouerable follie will p••∣uent future ages for falling into fearefull a danger; otherwise as th•• birth was miserable, so their dea•• will be lamentable: which to me w•••• rather aggrauate my sorow, then 〈◊〉〈◊〉 tenuate my torment, though in te••∣porall affayres many bearers less•• the weight, and ease the surcharg•• sufferer, but in spirituall none ref••∣sheth the oppressed; especially yo•••• dissolute brother, who hath in a m••∣ner searched the records of heaue•• for a President to make his title 〈◊〉〈◊〉 hell vnquestionable: * 1.2 as you may t•• more perspicuously perceiue by the dreadfull following lines. O 〈◊〉〈◊〉 dearest Microcosme in nature, wi••••

what vnwillingnes do I lay open my disobedience against the first Com∣mandement, knowing my own con∣science pleads guilty in the highest manner, for debasing his name, Essence, and Glory, below the de∣gree of a temporall Lord, a mecha∣nicke Magistrate, or pesant Iustice, in honouring them more with cap and knee, then his omnipotent per∣son that created me. But when I cast my eye vpon the second, there finde I a distraction of madnesse, though I haue not worshipped the molten calfe of brasse, iron, stone & the like; yet haue I done sacrifice to the image of liuing clay, with that adoration as I made the female sexe my godesses on earth, and left the re∣fuse of my time for the seruice of

him that made me: howsoeuer touch∣ing the third I so much prophaned the Deitie of his name, that I made it my familiar discourse, for which in iustice I am culpable of death. But as for the fourth I continually mixt my weake douotions with so many er∣ronious pleasures, that to my know∣ledge, I kept not one whole Sabbath for his gory: wherby I am debarred of claiming either loue, fauour, or mercy: but the course of perdition, which for surer violating the first, I was so sparing in shewing either re∣uerence or dutie to my parents, that I seldome payed any tribute as I ought, whereby I haue deserued not onely the shortnesse of dayes, but the losse of their fatherly blessings. As for the first thanks be to God, I haue not

••ctually shed the bloud of any man, ••nd whether it were not more for ••eare of punishment by the decree of ••nan, then the law of God, I neither ••an say nor iustifie my selfe; but to ••ny remembrance am free from that ••rying sinne: howsoeuer for the sea∣••enth, if I should deny the acknow∣edgment of that deadly sinne, the ••ynt actors in my lustfull recreation will cry out vengance on my con∣••emnation: for we euer held it as a ••port of pleasure brought into the world by nature, and at the most va∣••ued in the ranke of veniall sinnes: ••ut now it speakes death vnto mee, ••nd I feare, no comfort vnto them, which for the eight you know in my ••hildhood was guilty: so that I can ••eit her acquite nor accuse my selfe of

any mortall fact: and as for th•• ninth, I canot plead ignorance, but t•• my knowledge was neuer brough•• to the test before a seat of impartia•• iustice. Yet as I was, it is ten to on•• that I should haue proued more fles•• than spirit, more false than honest but certainly for the tenth I mu•••• confesse my self guilty to all, either b•• thought, or act, with delectation 〈◊〉〈◊〉 affection. Thus you see the ma••∣row and sinnewes of the whole la•••• haue I broken, which makes m•••• liable to eternall torture, death, an•• damnation; God forgiue them tha•• were the occasion. Yet if the mult••∣tude of these crying sinnes were ••••∣period of my transgressions, I migh•• haue hope by the death and passio•• of my Sauiour. But when I pond••

••••on the barbarous and inhumane ••rriage vsed towards his mercies; it ••••tinguisheth the light of comfort, ••••our, or pardon, for God knowes ••••am more worthy of death by his ••ath, then for violating he whole ••••w of Moses, in that I haue cōmitted ••ortall sinnes against him that died ••r my sinnes; * 1.3 by making the ••oanes and sorrowes in his passion ••e robe of shelter to my base wicked ••••d detestable pleasures: for that I ••••ar'd not prosecuting the life of my ••••rsed offences vpon presumption of ••s mercies, not searing his iustice; ••or pittying his sufferings: whereby haue exceeded the fact of Iudas or ••••e Senate of Iewes, for the one be∣••ayed him but once, I a thousand ••••es: the other crucified him out of

ignorance, I a million out of wilfulnesse•• What assurement (deare brother) ca•• be expected by me that am worse th•• those whom I haue named, but th•• dreadfull ruine of permanent perdit••∣on. * 1.4 Yet you will say God is mercifu•• vpon repentance at the last gasp•••• which cannot be denyed: so likewi•••• my conscience tels me hee is iu•••• which will not be contradicted. * 1.5 Fo•• certainly without my repentance ••••∣quall my transgressions, the Churc•• may absolue me, * 1.6 but not assure m•• And I should vainly expect remissio•• by any gho••tly fathers absolution, 〈◊〉〈◊〉 I continue in any one sinne whi•••• lieth in my power to preuent: * 1.7 〈◊〉〈◊〉 the greatest comfort of continuan•• in all my calamitie was the swe•••• saying of our Sauiour, that himsel••

••••d his Angels ioyed more at the ••••nuersion of one sinner which ••••ely repents then ninty nine righ∣••ous. O with what an vnspeake∣••ble happinesse was this cordiall ••erse to my afflicted soule; wherein ministred the application daily to ••••fresh my sad heart and wearisome ••nses; but at last it proued bitter as all in operation and digesting. For ••hen I searched into the mistery of ••••id sense, there I found it was ninety ••ine to one, that a wilfull sinner ne∣••er truly repented; otherwise you ••ould make God ioy more in a sin∣••••ll wicked mans life then a religious godly liuer: which brought me into ••o fearfull a danger of desperation, ••hat had you or any other beene ••n eye-witnesse in the agony of

my perditious soule, it would hau•• made the flintiest heart soone choose to wrestle with a Lion then commit a mortall sinne a∣gainst the immortall God which created him. Yet after a long debat•••• betwixt hope and despaire, the presi∣dent of Saul otherwise called Paul, d••∣stilled into me the happines of hope by reason his palpable crimes refle∣cted some equality to my offences 〈◊〉〈◊〉 but at last his patterne left mee in 〈◊〉〈◊〉 darke Ecclips, for that they were er∣rors executed out of ignorance, * 1.8 no•• wilfully, and therefore obtayned re∣mission vpon his contrition. I the•• ministred to my deiected soule th•• mercies conferred on Mary Magda∣lene: * 1.9 yet notwithstanding small wa•• my reliefe, for that her conflict o••

••••pentance did in a manner exceed others, and her transgressions but ••••e of the seuen deadly sinnes. ••hereupon I applied the thiefe on ••••e Crosse as my last refuge: but ••ere I saw apparant lesse shelter: for 〈◊〉〈◊〉 the raysing of Lazarus from the ••aue was onely a miracle to shew ••••at he was Christ the Messias; * 1.10 euen 〈◊〉〈◊〉 my conscience telles me, that the ••n paralleld mercy vpon the theefe, * 1.11 〈◊〉〈◊〉 as preordained only for that houre 〈◊〉〈◊〉 be as a witnesse of his wrongfull ••••nominious suffering, and not any ••ssurement of safety for vs to build ••••n. Thus being depriued (as you ••ay perceiue) from all hope in the ••••ue of God by my disobedience, ••rom all mercy by my matchlesse ••resumption, and from all comforts

in malefactours by my superlati•• transgressions, together with inwa•••• griefes of the ioyes I had lost: a•••• the wofull exchange of heauen f•• hell, brought me into that despera•• extasie, as I fell suddenly on th•• ground in a trance, where diue iudgements of God reiterated to 〈◊〉〈◊〉 memory, that were executed alrea•••• vpon his dearest seruants for lesse ••••fences: which closed all the facu••∣ties of my body and soule into an o•••• scure darkenesse: but thankes be 〈◊〉〈◊〉 the diuine prouidence, that restore me soone after to my former tra••∣quility: and hauing recouered a se••∣sible feeling, my oppressed heart d••∣sired to know whether his iudge∣ments were so seuere as my appre∣hension led mee. I suddenly ma••••

to my poore caue, God knowes ••th troubled thoughts; for my co∣••••tions were eyther drowning or ••••cuting my selfe: yet those assalts ••asily repulsed by Gods assisting ••••mission, with the president of Iu∣•••••• and the like: but then opening 〈◊〉〈◊〉 booke of the old and new Testa∣••ent, there I found our first parent ••••am, whom God gaue dominion the whole world, * 1.12 yet for eating ••••e apple forbidden though it was the intisement of another, hee and ••••s posteritie were extinguished for ••••er. * 1.13 Likewise Moses and Aaron notwithstanding they could obtaine ••••y thing at Gods hands; yet for that ••••ey somewhat doubted of the mira∣••e promised by God, they were de∣••tred for euer going into the land

of promise. * 1.14 Againe Saul whom 〈◊〉〈◊〉 chose to be the first King of his p••∣ple, was degraded of his dignitie, 〈◊〉〈◊〉 giuen ouer to the hands of an e••∣spirit, for that he did but reserue so certaine spoiles of warre, being co∣manded to the contrary. * 1.15 Besides suddaine killing of Nadah and Ab•••• sonnes of Aaron for once offering ther fire then was appointed th•••• The striking deade of Ananias 〈◊〉〈◊〉 Sapphira for onely retaining so•••• part of their owne goods by dece•• from the Apostles, * 1.16 Likewise the iection of Cain and his linage fo••••∣uer straight vpon his murther. * 1.17 ••••∣sides Beniamin the onely sonne of ••••∣cob whom God loued so dearely, * 1.18 〈◊〉〈◊〉 for one sinne that was committed Gibeah vpon the wife of a Leu••

••od destroyed almost the whole ••••be of men, women, and children; ••ith many other examples, which ••aring to claime any alliance of Iu∣es I surceased with repentance that I ••ad them. O my deare brother, that 〈◊〉〈◊〉 presumptuous sinners had felt the ••••ck of my torture at the same instant ••••ey would haue confessed in their earts, that God is seuere and iust as ••e is infinitly mercifull: yet my con∣••ience alwaies assured me hee neuer ••ft a sinner that desired truly to re∣••ent, without a sinner forsooke him, ••hich was some ease to my surchar∣••ed sufferings. But the arch-enemy ••f man continued his Rhetorickes ••nd applications of despaire, reuea∣••ng alwaies to my memory these ••nd the like herse-like sounding pre∣sidents

of holy writ: if the righteo•• shall scarcely be saued, where shall •• vngodly and sinner appeare? * 1.19 and iudgement begin at the house of Go•• what shall the expectation or end wicked men be? howsoeuer I dou∣ted not in the mercy of my Sauio•• but in my owne base and vnworth•• demerits; for that hee is certaine•• faithfull: * 1.20 if I hold fast the professio•• of my faith according to the measu•• which he hath giuen me; yet wh•• with Satans assaulting, my sinn•• afflicting, and feare of not obta••¦ning Gods fauour, it transformed 〈◊〉〈◊〉 from what I was, to the portrai••u•• of an Anatomy; as the Inhab••¦tants neere adioyning to the say•• Isle can witnesse. For those tha•• came to visit me, out of charity pit¦tied

me, and I in Christianity grie∣••ed as much for their ignorance, which being by his sacred plea∣sure brought to deaths doore, and readie to yeeld vp the ghost in a ••amentable spectacle betweene hope and despaire; at last there appeared spirituall-wise an appa∣rition of my own picture, the pro∣digall sonne, * 1.21 without intermission to my soule and sences, which did reflect so much internall comfort, as a woman in the agonie of her paines, ioies to see a manchilde borne into the world, * 1.22 and forgets her past sufferings; euen so the dailie contemplation of this cor∣diall parable restored mee to that height of happinesse, as it did more auert the dolour of griefe, sorrow,

and despaire, then all the felicity I receiued by presidents in the ol•• and new Testament: but when my conscience assured me the first part of his life I had acted to my eternall destruction, and that of necessity I must follow the second to obtaine my redemption, other∣wise it would prooue infortunate and fatall, which hauing ponde∣red vpon the imbecillitie of my owne nature, the allurements of the world, and continuall assaults of Sathan, I feard it would prooue too strict a captiuitie for mee to passe thorow: whereupon I plea∣ded, our Sauiour died for all sin∣ners, yet my conscience answered, it was for none but those which truelie beleeued him in their liues,

and vnfainedlie repented in their hearts, which made mee remem∣••er the dreadfull saying of Christ himselfe, * 1.23 Few are the number that should be saued. O affectionated Brother, that all my prodigall ex∣pences had beene transformed in∣to pious charities, my former plea∣sures into penitent praiers, and my vaine discourses into true confessions: then had I not liued a diligent slaue to Sathan, * 1.24 but a dutifull seruant to my Sauiour: which, God knowes, now the neg∣lect of either so much sounds re∣probate as makes me descend with a dolefull heart and alleadge my birthright by baptisme. But like a soft aire it answered not elected by adoption; reiterating to my per∣plexed

thoughts the president •• infortunate Esau, who found n•• place of repentance, * 1.25 though he sought it carefullie with teares But when at last I read the feare full saying of our Sauiour, Mani•• were called, * 1.26 but few were chosen O what an immortall wound •• gaue me; for my decrepit hop•• enforced me to curse conception birth, & life, wishing the plague of Egypt had beene my copart∣ners, rather than those deceitful•• pleasures my companions, which made mee so incapable of creati∣on, redemption, and election. I thus continued in this wofull spe∣ctacle for the space of two daies, not caring to minister either rest, or nourishment to my wearisome

body, but did wholly contem∣plate on my forlornd estate, say∣••ng to my selfe, How should I know whether I bee elected or not? The spirit answered, either by a good life or true repentance, which vpon examination was small comfort to me, hauing nei∣ther performed the one, nor ende∣uoured the other. Whereupon finding my selfe by the allure∣ments of Sathan, vanities of the world, and frailties of nature, brought into so desperate, wretch∣ed, and dangerous case, that if I did not forsake my selfe, there was no saluation, but damnation: not∣withstanding his death and passi∣on, which coniured mee by Gods permission, faithfullie to resolue

to discard all pleasures, doubts, scruples, or feares, and wholly de∣pend vpon the sweet saying of our Sauiour, * 1.27 Though my sinnes were as red as scarlet, yet hee would make them as white as snow; if so be my repentance proceed from contrition of heart during life; o∣therwise I might feare, mistrust, despayre, for I should much rob•• God of his iustice in depending•• vpon his mercy, * 1.28 and damne my•• soule with presuming on his fa∣uour, when himselfe protesteth they both kisse each other; especi∣allie his preseruation from so ma∣ny dangers in the world, and the assaults in this my conflict, hath made me resolutely to set my rest vpon the anchor of this hope,

that if neither inward griefes nor penitent praiers by the mercies of our Sauiour cannot attaine vnto the ioyes of heauen; I will striue to mitigate my torments in hell; but certainelie I am resolued ra∣ther to suffer death, then commit any grieuous or wilfull sinne: for I should accompt my selfe more accursed then either Heathen, Pa∣gan, Turke or Infidell, by how much my knowledge exceedes their ignorance, and his proui∣dence my basenesse, in exhaling me out of Sodome to Zoar, from an euill bewitching Court, into a de∣lightfull solitarie Caue, where no fraud, pride, nor deceipt inhabits. O my beloued Brother, if you or any other did but know the inesti∣mable

happinesse, which retired∣nesse bequeathes those that de∣pend vpon Gods prouidence, and are resolued to encounter tempta∣tion by reformation. I am confi∣dent the man liues not that desires preseruation of his soule, but would rather affect the solitarie continent life, then all the plea∣sures of Solomon. Though I must confesse the first two months were both fearefull, dangerous and de∣sperate: but after repulsing the vi∣••lent allusions of Sathan by these generall pleas to all his assaulting accusations, alleadging, I both confirmed and acknowledged his words to bee true, that the wic∣kednesse of my life neither had, nor could deserue any hope, fauor

•• pardon; and that I confidently ••eleeued as he said, it were impos∣••ble so many sinnes should escape ••npunished, hauing the same God •• be iudge, which not onely crea∣••ed, redeemed, and preserued, but ••nowes how opprobrious and ••ontemptible I haue beene to all ••s Lawes, Statutes, and Iudge∣••ents, giuing credence to his ••ords from my heart, that euerie ••ilfull sinne should bee afflicted ••ith contrary particular torment, ••onfessing that Gods sacred iustice ••espected no persons, but rewar∣••ed euery man according to his ••eserts; and therefore hee might ••est assured of mee when euer my Sauior was pleased to pronounce ••is sentence: for that I knew my

past life deserued none other, a•• as for future, himselfe warrant•• could merit no other. Yet in rega•• Gods vnsearchable prouiden•• gaue me life after so many inh••¦mane transgressions, and bele••¦uing the comfortable sayings 〈◊〉〈◊〉 Christs owne words: those thing which are impossible to man, we•• no whit impossible to God, * 1.29 f•• that he desired not the death of 〈◊〉〈◊〉 sinner, but ioyes more at the co••∣uersion of one offender, then nin••¦tie nine righteous. Besides him¦selfe had made mee more capab•• of apprehending Gods hatred t•• sinne, seueritie in punishment, an•• his blessings presumptuously abu¦sed by my basenesse. So that 〈◊〉〈◊〉 were a monster in nature, if eue••

•• did more offend the Deietie of ••is sacred name. * 1.30 For in commit∣••ng wilfull sinne, I should bee ••onfident it would trench against ••e Holy Ghost, attributing, hee ••artly rewarded the prentiship of ••ny seruice in reuealing the naked ••uth of my wretched estate; pro∣••esting vpon the faith of my salua∣••ion, let him say what he would, ••ttempt what hee could, yet no∣••hing should allure mee (by Gods ••ssistance) neither to despaire, nor ••ffend my Creator more, but lea∣••ing soule, body, life and death, at his will and pleasure; acknowled∣ging my selfe, that if he had made me one of his number, I had iust∣ly deserued it; and if his infinite ••mercy saued mee, I must confesse

it were a miracle. Howsoeuer 〈◊〉〈◊〉 would bee no longer disobedient•• for that might prooue ingratitud•• vpon ingratitude; I knowing what fauours God hath bestow∣ed, and now hee telling mee wha•• offences I haue committed, assu∣ring him, if hee were permitted to punish mee with bodily affliction and temporall crosses the mor•• I were certaine of spirituall com∣fort. Thus is, and euer shall con∣tinue my resolution by the helpe of him that made me; for before I had fixed my heart, soule and sences vpon this intire affection, neuer to be violated by any strata∣gemes whatsoeuer. I was per∣petually troubled with vnchari∣table thoughts, vnquiet feares, &

desperate despaires: but now I ••nde they are either lessened, or ••se I am carelesse of them: Inso∣••uch, that my inward faculties ••re mollified with a sensible humi∣••ty, to offer vp my morning and ••uening sacrifice, as a daily trib•••••• ••f contrition, that euer I did 〈◊〉〈◊〉 end, and a trembling feare for to ••ffend; wherein one night aboue ••ll the rest I cannot chuse but im∣••art the rapture of so much ioy, ••hat me thought my apprehension was transformed into another ••emisphere, yet durst not presume ••n his mercy for feare of robbing ••is iustice, by reason I could ne∣••er attaine to so high a pitch of ••elestiall happinesse, but in a lo∣••er orbe of teares and sorrowes,

to which I ascribe God the glo•••• For when I my selfe was a co••¦panion of others, those discipli•• posternes were as heathen gree•• to me, which now they proo•• my daily delights of recreation, y•• shall neuer be at quiet vntill I ha•• obtained the period of that form•• felicity, which if nightly watc••∣ing, daily fasting, continuall pray∣ing, or corporall affliction, ca•• extract this vnparalleld comfor•• I will remaine constant, by th•• permission of God during life: o••∣ly reseruing so much time f•• nourishing the faculties of natu•••• that I may continue the longe•• But peraduenture some of yo•• lukewarme diuines will not ad¦mit of this life, though I am min••

owne taskemaster: yet I hope you ••ill not build vpon the Theory 〈◊〉〈◊〉 anothers opinion, more than ••e practise of your Brother, that ••inioyned to loue you as his own ••ule; howsoeuer for my particu∣••r, may I neuer prosper in this my ••terprize, if all deuines should ••ake it not lawfull by thetorick, ••eech, or traditions from Adam, ••ey would not reflect the least ••ought of reuolt: for that I haue ••yned more knowledge, hope, ••nd comfort to my oppressed ••ule in this one yeere of retired∣••esse, than fowre prentiships be∣••••re; yet I take God to witnesse, ••ere is no man breathing that weth a more greate reuerence 〈◊〉〈◊〉 their function and doctrine,

then my selfe. But if his diui•• permission amplifies a blessing my second edition (as my hope depending) I will giue such an 〈◊〉〈◊〉 sured satisfaction, that your hea•• soule, and sences shall say, God the author, and man subiect 〈◊〉〈◊〉 palpable erronious errours. 〈◊〉〈◊〉 the meane time following 〈◊〉〈◊〉 president of holy Dauid, my tru•• is in God, and therefore I feare 〈◊〉〈◊〉 what flesh can doe vnto me.

Your Brother, though a desert Beadsman•• Thomas Bushel

Notes

• * 1.1

  Iam. 5.16.
• * 1.2

  Exod 20.
• * 1.3

  Heb. 12.25.
• * 1.4

  ••zek. 18. ••ccle 5.
• * 1.5

  Mat. 5.17.18.
• * 1.6

  ••eue. 18.
• * 1.7

  Ioh. 3.••.6.
• * 1.8

  Tim. 1.••.
• * 1.9

  ••uke 7.••.
• * 1.10

  Luk. 23. Ioh. 11.
• * 1.11

  Mat. 26.38.
• * 1.12

  Gen. 3.17.
• * 1.13

  Num. 20.27.33.
• * 1.14

  1. Sam. 15.17.18.23.
• * 1.15

  Leuit. 10.2.
• * 1.16

  Acts. 5.10.
• * 1.17

  Gen. 7.10.
• * 1.18

  Gen. 4.2. Iudg. 20.
• * 1.19

  1. Pet. 4.17.18.
• * 1.20

  Heb. 10.23.
• * 1.21

  Luk. 15.
• * 1.22

  Iohn 16.21.
• * 1.23

  Rom. 9.27.
• * 1.24

  Iam. 5.16.
• * 1.25

  Heb. 12.17.
• * 1.26

  Mat. 20.10.
• * 1.27

  Esay. 1.18.
• * 1.28

  Ioh. 15.22. Psal. 85.10.
• * 1.29

  Mar. 10.27.
• * 1.30

  Heb. 10.26. Ioh. 15.22.