Euerie vvoman in her humor

Euerie Woman in her Humor.

Enter Flauia as a Prologue.

GEntles of both sexes, and all sortes, I am sent to bid yee welcome, I am but insteade of a Prologue: for a she pro∣logue is as rare as an Vsurers Almes: non reperitur in vsu, and the rather I come woman, because men are apt to take kindelye any kinde thing at a womans hand; and wee poore soules are but too kinde, if we be kindely intreated, marry otherwise, there I make my Aposiopesis: the Author hath indeede made me an honest merrye wench, one of his humorists, yet I am so much be∣holding to him, I cannot get mee a husband in his play that's worthe the hauing, vnlesse I be better halfe of the sutor my selfe: and hauing imposed this audacity on me, he sends me hither first for exercise I come among ye all: these are the Contentes, that you would heare with patience, iudge with lenity, and correct with smiles, for the which our endea∣uours shall shew it selfe like a tall fellow in action: if vve shall ioyne hands, a bargaine.

As a lowely earnest, I giue this curtesie before, And in conceite I giue ye twenty more.

Enter Accutus and Graccus.

Gra.

Nay, but Accutus, prethee what mis-shapen vizard of Melancholly hast thou mask't thy selfe in? thou lookst as thou wer't changing thy religion: what? is there a breach in thy Faith? come, declare, and let me set thy wits on worke, to amend it.

Acut.

Ha ha ha!

Grac.

Prettie: a man's well aduisd to offer good coun∣sell, and be laught at for his labour: we shall shortly haue no Counsellors but Physitians, I spend my breath to thee, and thou answerest me some halfe an houre after in a sem∣breue, or like to a Sexton with a Sobeitor Amen.

Acu.

Condemne my Stars then.

Grac.

I should wrong am then, as thou dost with a false inditement, I know it tooke not, beeing at thy birth, thou hast bene merrie, thou hast sounded hoopes, swallowed whiffes, walkt late, worne fauours, seene whore sons: thou canst feele and vnderstand, come, thou hast bene a sinner: vnloade, discharge, vntune, confesse, is venus dominatrix? art not in loue?

Acut.

Yes, I loue God and my neighbors.

Grac.

Then either for Gods sake or thy Neighbors, or both, be smothe, and participate, ist not some vnderlayer, some she Cammell that will beare as much of her belly, as three beastes on their backes? some Lanthorne-maker, Ile holde thy head: come, vp with't.

Acut.

Prethee I hate none, but heauen hate me if I be in loue with any.

Grac.

Off with these clogs, then break prison, and get out of this melancholly Gaole, harke how the generall noise doth welcome from the Parthian wars, each spirit's iocund, fraught with glee, then wrong not thine with this dull meditation.

Acut.

Oh! how doe they then wrong my meditati∣on? my thoughts are with themselues at a counsell, til with noise and thou with continuall talke, hast driuen them to a nonplus.

Gra.

Then make me of thy counsell, and take my ad∣uice, for ile take no denyall, Ile not leaue thee til the next new Almanackes be out of date: let him threaten the shar¦pest weather he can, in Saint Swithin week, or it snow on our Ladies face, ile not budge, ile be thy mid-wife til thou beest deliuered of this passion.

Acut.

Partake then, and giue me the beleefe: thinkst thou or knowst thou any of this opinion, that, that moouing ma∣rish element, that swels and swages as it please the moone, to be in bignes equall to that solide lump that brings vs vp?

Gra.

I was sure thou wert beyond the Antipodes: faith I am of that faith I was brought vp in, I haue heard my Fa∣ther say, and i'me sure his Recordes came from his Father, that the Land and Sea are in nature thus much alike; the owne growes by the Sunne, the other by the Moone, both by Gods blessing; and the Sea rather the greater, and so thinke I.

Acut.

Good: there we haue a farther scope, and holde the sea, can (as a looking glasse) answere with a meere smile any moouing shape vppon the earth.

Gra.

Nay, that's most certaine, I haue heard of Sea-hor∣ses, Sea-calues, and Sea-monsters.

Acut.

Oh, they are monstrous madde, merrie wenches, and they are monsters Graccus, they call them Sea-maides or Mermaides singing sweetelye, but none dares trust them, and are verie like our Land-wenches, deuouring Serpents from the middle downeward.

Acut.

Thou hast euen giuen me satisfaction: but hast thou this by proofe?

Grac.

Not by my trauels (so God helpe me) marrie ile bring ye fortie Saylers will sweare they haue seene them.

Acut.

In truth!

Grac.

In truth or otherwise.

Acu.

Faith they are not vnlike our land monsters, else why should this Maximilian Lord, for whom these shoots and noyses befits thus, forsake his honours, to sing a Lullabye?

These seeming Saints, alluring euils, That make earth Erebus, and mortals deuils.

Gra.

Come, thou art Sea-sicke, and will not be well at ease til thou hast tane a vomit, vp with't.

Acu.

Why ifaith I must, I can not soothe the world With veluet words, and oyly flatteries, And kisse the sweatie feete of magnitude, To purchase smiles, or a deade mans office, I cannot holde to see a rib of man A moytie of it selfe, commaund the whole Bafful, and bend to muliebritie Of female scandals; obserue, doe but obserue, Heere one walks ore-growne in weeds of pride, The earth wants shape, to apply a simile, A body prisoned vp with walles of wyer, With bones of whales, somewhat allyed to fish But from the wast declining, more loose doth hang, Then her wanton dangling lasciuious locke Thats whirld and blowne with euerie lustfull breath. Her necke in chaines, all naked lyes her brest, Her body lighter then the feathered crest. Another powtes and scoules, and hangs the lip, Euen as the banckrout credit of her husband, Cannot equall her with honors liuerie, What doth she care, if for to decke her braue, Hee's carryed from a Gate-house to his graue. Another in a rayling pulppet key, Drawes through her nose the accent of her voice, And in the presence of her good man Goate, Cries fye, now fye vppon these wicked men.

That vse such beastly and inhumane talke: When being in priuate, all her studies warne, To make him enter into Capricorne. Another as she goes, treads a Canarie pace, Iets it so fine, and minces so demure, As mistris Bride vpon her marriage day: Her heeles are Corke, her body Atlas, Her Beautie bought, her soule an Atomus. Another with a spleene deuoured face, Her eies as hollow as Anatomy: Her tung more venome then a Serpents sting, Which when it wagges within her chap-faln iawes, Is noise more horrid then a cry of hounds With open mouthes, pursuing of their game, Wants she but ritch attire or costly dyet, With her the Deuill can nere liue in quiet. Yet these are weaker vessels, heauen doth knowe, Lay on them ought but ease, you doe them wrong: They are as weake as water, and indeede as strong, And then like mightie ships, when pellets sincke, To them lay more men, sheele neuer shrinke.

Boss.

Mistris, that face wants a fresh Glosse.

Gent.

Prethee dib it in well Bos.

Acut.

Pigmaleon, Pigmaleon, I coniure thee appeare, To worke, to worke, make more Marble Ingles, Nature, thou art a foole, Art is aboue thee: Belzebub, paint thy face, there's some will loue thee.

Bos.

Rare, Mistris, heeres a cheeke like a Camelion or a blasing Star: you shall heere me blaze it, heere's two sau∣cers sanguine in a sable field, pomegranet, a pure pendāt, Ready to drop out of the stable, a pin and web argent in hayre de Roy.

Grac.

And a fooles head in the Crest.

Bos.

In the Crest? oh sweete Vermilion mistris! tis pit∣tie the Vermilion Wormes should eate thee, ile set it with pretious stones and ye will.

Gent.

Enough sweete Bosse, throwe a little water to spurt's face and lets away.

Bo.

Hold vp, so sir now away: oh Mistris your scant∣ling, most sweete mistris most derydent starre.

Acut.

Then most rydent starres faire fall ye.

Grac.

Nay sure tis the Moone her selfe, for there's her man and her Dogge before.

Bosse.

I sir, but the man is not in the moon, & my bushis before me, ergo not at my backe, et ergo, not moone sir.

Gent.

What's your will sir?

Accut.

That you would leaue vs.

Boss.

Leaue you, zoundes sir, we scorne their compa∣nies, come, they are still, doe not open to them, we haue no Conies to catch.

Acut.

Away, keepe no distance, euen both together, For wit, ye may be Coacht together. What sleeke browde Saint can see this Idiotisme, The shape and workemanship of omnipotency, To be so blinde with drugs of beastlinesse, And will not bend the browe, and bite the lippe, Trouble his quiet soule, with venome spleene, And feare least the all ouer-seeer, Can without vengeance, see these ignomies.

Grac.

Why therfore are they belooued like Sargeants, and entertained like Beggars, think'st thou but any ho∣norable Gate but will be shut against these Butter-flies?

Accut.

Oh Graecus! thou beguil'st opinion, The Gates of great men stand more wide To entertaine a foole, then Cresus armes, To hug his Golden God: and faster bard Against necessitie, then Diues entrance At Olympus gate.

Enter Sernulas, Scillicet, Philantus and Boy.

Sernu.

Fa, la, sol, lasol: Boy a Glasse;

Boy.

Tis but one and all sir.

Acut.

Angels protect vs, what haue we heare?

Boy.

Ye haue a good memorie Sir, for they are fiue mi∣nutes ere windefall of your Glasse.

Ser.

Sir, be credible, tis ballanst to be a superlatiue po∣liticke custome in these houres to dwell in shallowe ac∣coutrements, as a defence for the abilitie of his pursse, from the infringed Oath of some impudent face, that will borrowe a gentlemās reuenewes, if he be vestally adornd: Ile tell you sir, by this bright Horrison—

Scil.

A word I pray yee sir ere ye goe any further: Boy my Tables?

Boy.

Your Tables are ready Sir, and all the men ye keep which is indeede halfe a Boy, Scillicet, Videlicet.

Scil.

I pray ye let me request that oath of you.

Sern.

A gracefull enquirie, and well obseru'd: Sir my company shal make ye copious of nouelties, let your Ta∣bles befriend your memorie: write, by this bright Horri∣son.

Phy.

Here's none but only I, sing: Boy, how lik'st thou my head of hayre?

Boy.

Your Glasse may flatter ye, but truely I will not, your head is not a hayre better then it should be.

Phy.

Is there any scarcitie of haire Boy?

Boy.

Somewhat thin, and yet there is more hayre then wit.

Phy:

How Boy?

Boy.

Then wit of man can number sir, take it i'th right sence I pray yee.

Phy.

Most ingenious!

Acu.

O muffle, muffle good Graccûs, doe not taint thy sence, With sight of these infectious animalles, Least reason in thee haue the vpper hand To gouerne sence, to see and shun the sight: Here's new discouered sins, past all the rest, Men striue by practise how to sweare the best.

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Scil.

I haue quoted it sir, by this bright Hore, Hore son, pronounce ye sir.

Seru:

Horison

Scil:

Horison the Widowes mite Sir?

Sern.

Not for the Soldans crowne sir.

Scil.

Indeede yee shall, by this bright horison ye shall, beleeue me if I sweare, I thinke my selfe behol∣ding, for I know it to be no common oath.

Seru.

Were it common, it past not these doores: Sir, I shift my oathes as I wash my hands, twice in the artifici∣al day, for in dialoguising, tis to be obseru'd, your senten∣ces must ironically, metaphorically, and altogether figu∣ratiuely mixt with your morning oathes.

Scil:

Faith tis verie true.

Accu.

That he neither knowes what he saies, nor thou vnderstandest.

Seru:

As for example, by this illuminate welkin.

Scel:

Oh excellent! it shall downe to.

Accut.

There's another Ducket, he vtters his oathes apace. Sure this Villaine has no soule, and for golde Heele damme his body too, hee's at peace with hell, And brings his Marchandise from thence to sell.

Boy.

I haue heere two Mistresses, but if the best were chosen out, if Poliphemus tother eye were out, his choice might be as good as Argus broade waking, so difficult is the difference.

Phy.

Boy, sleepe wayward thoughts.

Boy.

Sir.

Phy.

Is it not now most amyable and faire?

Boy.

Yes sir God be praised.

Phy.

What meanst thou Boy?

Boy.

The weather sir.

Phy.

I meane my haire and face Boy.

Boy:

Twere amiable if it would not alter.

Phy.

Wherfore, I often repaire it.

Boy:

Me thinkes that should weare it the sooner.

Phy.

Not so Boy, for to trimme the Hayre well, is a rare qualitie: to bee rarelye quallified is to be wise, apply Boy.

Boy.

That you are wise in trimming your hayre Mai∣ster?

Phy.

Right, to be wise is to be rare, for it is rare to see a wise man.

Boy.

True Maister: but if youle see a foole looke in your Glasse maister.

Phy.

Goe to, I must correct you Boy.

Boy

You can correct no more then is your own, I am but halfe yours to commaund, if you steale away any parte that is not your owne, you are so farre in daunger as the striking of an other mans seruant.

Phy:

By this illuminate welkin most sincere and sin∣gular, as a small remembrance.

Seru,

Not for to winne the faire Angelica.

Scillicet:

By this illuminate Welkin ye shall now.

Seru:

Sir, I doe not bestowe it for that I thinke you haue neede of it, for if you had, by this bright Horizon I would not giue it, for I know tis no credit to giue to the poore, by this illuminate welkin, I haue (since I tooke vpon me this fleshie desire of a Gentleman) throwne out of a window for a huntsvp, when I had as leef haue heard the grinding of a Mustard Mill, for those are thinges are heere too day and gone to morrowe: this will sticke by a man, and doe him credit where ere hee goes.

Acut:

I, when the foole is clad in clay, It will sticke sore vnto thy soule for aye.

Phy:

Signior Scillicet, I assure you I haue discouered the moste queint and new-found deuice for the en∣counter of the Ladies at the enteruiew, tis in pricke-song.

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Scil.

That's excellent and rare.

Phi.

I, for prick-song to Ladies is moste pleasant and delightfull, as thus for your congie, All hayle to my be∣looued: then for your departure, sad dispaire doth driue me hence: for all must be to effect.

Grac.

Nay, prethee raise no quarrels.

Acut.

I can holde no longer, heare you sir, are not you a foole? and you an Asse? and you a knaue?

Phy.

zoundes an Asse?

Scil.

A Foole?

Ser.

A Knaue without respect?

Acut.

I, for an Asse can beare, a Foole abide, and a Knaue deserue:

Omn.

Helpe, helpe!

Gra.

Prethee lets away.

Acut.

Fooles oftentimes brings wisemen to trouble, Farwell, another time ile pay ye double.

Exit.

Enter Host, Hostesse,

Host.

Bring your Clubs out of doores, there goe in my fine hostes, ile talke to the proudest: what knaues are i'th streete, my dore is my dore, my house is my castell, goe in dame Helena, let thine host alon with this: he that knocks at my hobby, while I haue Ale in my house, shall pay for a Surgeon: the honest shal come in, the knaues shall go by: bring Clubs I say.

Scil.

Nay sir, the heare is past, they that did it haue tooke them to their heeles, for indeede heere are of vs—

Host.

Away with your Clubs then, welcome my braue Bullies, my Guests shal take no wrong, but welcome my Bullies.

Scil.

Indeede sir I am a man of few words, I haue put vp a little blood shed, marrie I hope it shall be no staine to my manhoode, if I keepe it out of my clothes.

Host.

He shall pay for the blood-shed, my guestes shal take no wrong: mine Host will spend his Cruse as franke

as an Emperor: welcome my braue bullies.

Ser.

Sir, be pacificall, the fellowe was possest with some critique frenzie, and wee impute it to his madnes.

Scil:

Madde! by Gods slid if he were as madde as a wea∣uer, I can hardly put it vp: for my blow: I care not so much, but he cald me foole: slid if I liue till I dye, the one of vs shall proue it.

Host:

Some prophane Villaine, ile warrant him.

Scil.

Doe you thinke I may not haue an action against him?

Host:

There's so many swaggerers, but alasse, how fel∣ye out?

Scil:

By the welkin I gaue him not a foule word: first he calles me foole, then he makes a full blowe at my body, and if by good chance I had not warded it with my head, he might haue spoild me.

Enter Prentices.

Host.

There, there, my fine fil-pots: giue the word as you passe: anon anon sir, anon: heere and there in the twinckling, looke well to the barre, there againe my little Mercuries, froath them vp to the brimme, and fill as tis needefull: if their pates be full of Wine, let your Pottles be three quarters, trip and goe, here and there: now any braue Lad wash thy woundes with good Wine: bidde am welcom my little Sybil: put sugar in his hole there, I must in to my guests, sleepe soundly till morning: Canarie is a Iewell, and a Figge for Browne-bastard.

Exit.

Hostes.

Gentlemen, ye are welcom, though my husbād be a little talkatiue, yet truly he is an vnreasonable honest man, yee shall finde his words and his sayings all one.

Scil:

I thinke no lesse, yet I would desire to enter as time and place shall serue.

Hostes:

Ile lead the way forsooth.

Phy.

Nay pray ye Hostesse a word, I say little, but i'me sure I haue sustained the most wrong; by this light, I

had rather he had broke my head in three places, I pray you lend me a brush, hee has put my hat quite out of fa∣shion.

Host.

That shall ye sir, a brush there hoe!

Bos

Salue, sis saluus, I pray yee which of you fiue is the Hostis of the house?

Boy:

Thats easily discernd, for foure weare breeches.

Bos:

Nere the sooner for that my diminitiue youth, for women now adaies weare breeches as well as men, mary the difference lies in the bawble.

Hostis

Well sir, to open the ttuth I am the Hostesse.

Bos

The fruit is knowne by the Tree at the first view, as the Author writes learnedly, come, basilus manus.

Scil.

This kissing becomes a Gentleman, ile vse it suret

Bos:

Secondly, Mistris Hostesse, I would knowe what lodging ye haue for my Lady and her traine.

Hostis:

What will serue your turne sir?

Bos

Ile call my selfe to account and specifie thus: my Lady and her Dogge that's two visible: then there's the Dogge and my Lady, that's foure inuisible: then there's my Ladies dogge and I quoth the dogge, that's six: then there's sequence of three, viz. the Dogge and I and my Lady: then there's a paire of Knaues, viz the Dogge & my selfe, & my Lady turnd vp: viz my Lady sequence of three: a paire of knaues, & my Lady turn'd vp to play vpon, we can haue no lesse then fiue beds.

Hostis.

Truely you must lye close together, (the Ser∣uants I meane) for I am so thrust with Guest I an hardly spare so many.

Bos

Faith weele lie together as close as we can: there's my Lady and her dogge lye al together, and I at the beds feete, and there's all our family of Loue.

Hostis:

How farre is your mistris behinde?

Bos

The truth is, the fatall sisters haue cut the thred of her Corke-shoe, & shee's stept aside into a Coblers shop to take a true stitch, whether I meane to send my selfe as

a Court of Guard to conduct her: but see, oh, inconstant fortune! see where shee comes solus.

Gent,

Bos, you serue me well to let me waite vpon my selfe.

Bos.

Of two euils the least is to be chosen, I had a care of your puppie being lesse then your selfe.

Scil,

Gentlewoman you haue an excellent Ch: I haue an appetite as a man would say.

Gent,

What's your will sir?

Scil,

Truth will to light, and the truth is, I haue an ap∣petite to kisse you.

Phil:

This point would become a Gentleman sure, I pray who trim'd it so?

Gent,

My man forsooth.

Phy,

Sir, I desire your acquaintance, tis excellent rare.

Gent;

You would haue saide so, had you seene it an houre since.

Ser.

Heeres game for me, I hunt for fooles, and haue sprung a couey.

Hostis.

Gentles, please you draw neere? leade the way into the chambers.

Bos;

Bos is the name of a thing may be seene, felt, heard, or vnderstood, and the nominatiue case goes before, my Mistris the Verbe, my mistris requires an accusatiue case to follow, as vsus feminae prōptus facit. Exeunt al but Hostis

Hostis;

Oh fye vpont, who would be an hostis, & could do otherwise? Ladie, as the moste lasciuious life, conges and kisses, the tyre, the hood, the rebato, the loose bodyed Gowne, the pin in the haire, and euerie day change, when an Hostis must come and go at euerye mans pleasure: and what's a Lady more then another body? wee haue legs and hands, rowling eyes, hanging lips, sleek browes, & che∣rie cheeks, & other things as Ladies haue, but the fashion carries it away.

Prentices passe ouer.

Host;

There, there my little Lacky boies, againe, again, my fine fil-pots, where is my fine Hostis? come, come my litle dido, set your corks on a creaking, my knaues are vn¦thrifty, dance not your canaries, heere, vp & down, look about to my Guests I say.

Hostis:

I, I haue much ioy, an Hostesse!

Host.

What, abides my Penenelope? heere stand thy Vlisses, ile tarry with thee stil, thou shalt wāt for no cost, ile buy thee a braue whistle, looke about to my Guestes I say.

Hostis.

I, Hostesses will bee knowne shortlye as their Signes, still in one weather-beaten suite, as though none weare hoodes but Monkes and Ladies: and feathers, but fore-horses, and Waiting Gentlewomen: or chaines but prisoners and Courtiers: no Perywigges but Players and Pictures, but the weakest must to the wall still.

Host.

Tush tush, these are toies, ile none of these Flip-flaps, ile haue no ••oping, no puffes, nor no Cobwebs: no busks nor burbarrels: thou shalt wear thine own haire, & fine cloath of Sheep-skins: thy colour shal be Dow∣las, as white as a Lillie: ile kisse these chop-cheries, thou shalt goe Gossip at Shroue-tide, look about to my Guests then.

Exit.

Hostis.

I, twas my hard fortune to be an Hostesse, time was I might haue done otherwise.

Enter Cittizens Wife.

City w:

Why how now Woman, a'th olde disease still? will it neuer be better? cannot a Woman finde one kinde man amongst twentie? ah the daies: I haue seen, when a Womans will was a lawe: if I had had a minde to such a thing, or such a thing, I could haue had it, but twa's neuer better since men were Purse-bearers.

Hosty.

Mine is eene the vnnaturallist man to his Wife

Citie wi:

Truely, and commonly are all such fat men: ile tell thee Gossip, I haue buried sixe, I sixe husbands, but if I should liue to haue as many more, as I know not what may happen, but sure ide neuer haue such a fatte man: they be the moste vnweldy men, that women shall not want a sore stomack that's troubled with them I war∣rant her.

Hostis

And hee maintaines me heare like I knowe not what.

City w.

I, and what say, they are their wiues head, well, if he be the head, shee's the body, and the body is to beare the head, and the body is to beare the pursse.

Hostis

They cannot misse vs, yet they regard vs not.

Citty wife.

Misse vs! no faith, but would all wo∣men were of my minde, they call vs the weaker vessels: they should finde vessels of vs, but no weake vessels I warrant them.

Pren.

Mistris my Maister, cals for ye.

Hostis.

Goe, ile come anon, hee's not so hastie to giue me what I want I warrant ye,

City w.

No, would he were, little thinkes the husband what goes through the wiues hand, washing, wringing and rubbing, vp earely, downe late, & a thousand things they looke not too.

Hostis.

And yet they must haue the gouernment of all.

Citty w.

And great reason they haue for it, but a wise man will put in a Womans hand, what? sheele saue that hee spends.

Hostis

You haue a prettie Ruffe, how deepe is it?

Citty w.

Nay this is but shallowe, marrie I haue a Ruffe is a quarter deepe, measured by the yard.

Hostis

Indeede by the yard!

Citty w.

By the standard, you haue a pretty set too: how big is the steele you set it with?

Hostis.

As bigge as a reasonable sufficient—

Enter Prentice.

Pren.

Mistris, my Maister would desire you to come in.

Citty w.

What? she shall not come yet, if you lay down the bucklers you lose the victorie.

Hostis.

By my troth I must goe, wee shall haue such a coyle else.

City w.

A coyle! why haue you not a tongue in your head? faith if ye win not all at that weapon, yee are not worthy to be a Woman, you heare not the news abroade:

Hostis:

No, what newes?

Citty wife.

No, I warrant ye, you neuer come abroad, this is to be troubled with a fatte man, he neuer comes a∣broad himselfe, nor suffers his wife out of his sight: yee shal euer haue a fatte Host, either on his bēch at the dore, or in his chair in the chimney, & there he spits & spaules a roome like twentie Tobacco takers, oh fye on them beasts.

Hostis.

But I prethee what newes?

Citty w.

Oh woman! the moste hard fauourd newes, and without al conscience, they say there's a statute made any woman that buries her husband, is not to marrie a∣gaine of two monethes after.

Hostis.

A teadious time by Lady, a month were enough.

Cittie w.

I halfe a month, winter nights are long, and colde, ile tell ye, I haue buried sixe, and I thank my good fortune, I euer knewe the next ere the other was in his winding sheete.

Pre.

Mistris, my maister is angrie, and the Guests cal for their Hostesse.

Hostis.

Goe, I come, Gossip when shall I see you agē?

Citty wi.

Nay, when shall I see you abroad, sildome i'me sure.

Hostis

I must needes away, God buy you Gossip.

Cittie w.

God buy ye, Gods so, I haue forgot wherefore I came: a word ere you goe, the partie yee wott on com∣mendes him vnto ye, he that met the other party in the white felt, the yellowe scarfe, and the round Venetian, when the other party kist you, and I broake the iest on him: when hee saide, kisses kindeles Coales, and loue searches.

Hostis.

Oh! I remember him, yes faith, hee's prettie well set: hee ha's the right tricke with the tongue in his

kisse, and hee dances reasonably comely, but he fals hea∣uie.

Citty w.

He sauours of a kinde of Gallant, but not of a Courtyer.

Hostis

Well, weele haue a night ont, god be with ye Gossip.

Cittie wife.

God buy ye.

Exeunt

Enter Lentulus and Tulley.

Len.

Not yours nor her owne Terentia, your's in mo∣destie Flauia, See Tulley what an actiue passiue loue hath plaide, I loue, and am againe beloued, but at the shrine Where I doe offer vp my Cordiall sacrifice, I am returnd with peremptorie scorne, And where I stand but as a gazer, Viewing all alike, I am pursude With violent passions a speaking eye Bindes fauours, and now discouering lines, Thy counsell now deere friend, for at Thy direction stands my thrall or freedome.

Tul.

Oh my Lord, affection is vnlimited, Daring all dangers, hauing nor tipe nor figure, but beyond all arte, Then tye not that (great Lord) to Tullies awe, Fancy forsweares all reason, loue all lawe.

Lent.

How well thy power can shun, that which I followe with obedience, too true yfaith, Thou mightst as well put out the eie of day, Or couer sinne from heauen, or to erect A towre of sand, on the vncertaine surge, Or any thing that were more inficient, Then to remooue one doting thought of mine From her disdaine, thy aide deere Tulley.

Be thou an Orratour for Lentulus, My tongue stands tund to a harsher method, Breath in her eares those Organs of receite, A quintessence distild of honny words, And charme with a beguiling lullabye, Her free consent to thine and my request. Which done, that's done, which is my sole delight, Which done, that's done, that I can neuer quite.

Tull:

All which to me are problematique mines, Obscurde enigmaes, and to my studies Incognite language: yet if my powers, Haue power to cloath my tongue in loue, Ile be a Louer, and in loue so pleade, As if that Tully loued Terentia.

Lent.

Thankes sweete Cicero, this day wee dine with olde Flamiuius, The forward Father of my Aukeward loue. His willing minde doth striue to make the peace, Betwixt our discord thoughts: his free consent Is giuen to Lentulus, there Tulley taketh on holde, And when a Sunne of thy intent shines fayre, On set loues fort, with polliticke assaults, And conquer conquest in obtaining that, Where victors are repulst: but see, Our talke hath ouer-tane our way, see olde Flaminius Comes to welcome vs, With him a looke, looke the bright orient verge, At the vprising of Auroraes shine.

Enter Flaminius, Terentia and Flauia.

Flam.

And my good Lord, y'are happily met.

Heartily welcome: young Tullie welcome to, yee come wel to ease my charge, these Ladies finde fault with their Guardian, I goe too softly for them: old blood is stiffe, & young Ladies wil not beare with age: I resigne, I resigne to you that followe.

Lent.

If they admit vs for their Guardian,

Weele dare dangers ere we part from them.

Flam.

Why well saide my Lords, Soldiers will not flye indeede, I haue seene the day I could haue crackt a tree of yew, made my bowstring, whisper in mine care if they twang: tost my pike lustilye: tis since the siedge of Par∣thia, bith' mas a great while, I was lustie then, at the ser∣uice was done there, yet I loue the discourse: come my Lord, I chuse your companye, leaue Tulley to the Ladies, he can tell them tales of Venus and Adonis, and that best pleaseth them. Now I must heere of raps and blowes, and Bils and Guns, and swords and bucklers: I loued it once, come, our Cookes are backeward, discourse will begette stomacks, y'are like to tarrie long for leane Cates.

Exit

Lent.

Now gentle Tulley, aduocate my suite, Her fore-amazing person makes me mute.

Cicero.

Ile beare these Ladies company, If they shall deeme acceptance.

Exit

Teren.

With interest of thankes to Cicero,

Flau:

Faith I like not this ods of female, an equallitie were better: yet of both twere fitter the woman should vndergoe the oddes, I had rather a said three men to one woman, then two women to one man: heeres Tulley ad∣drest to Terentia, Terentia drawing neere to Tully: her's smal comfot left for Flaeuia, wel gentles, ile leaue ye to the Goddesse: so ho my Lords, take me with ye.

Teren.

Nay, stay good Flauia, Youle not loose the sight of Lentulus.

Fla.

Nor you of Tulley, come if you tel, ile blab.

Cice.

But sweete Lady, Tully is not heere.

Fla.

But Cicero is, his nere friend, that's as good.

Cice.

He was Lady, till hee changed his habit, by put∣ting on the office of an vnskilfull Seruingman, intending to garde Terentia to her fathers house.

Fla.

Then Flauia must gard her selfe: wel, vse good words, and good action, and stalke well before your La∣die, shee's kindey faith, and a litele thing will please her.

Terent.

Will it please Flauia to partake?

Fla.

Oh fye, twere an iniurie, I could brook my self ther∣fore, ile leaue ye, but be breefe, stand not on pointes, cut them all first, & if ye fall to kissing, kisse not to long for feare ye kisse the post.

Exit

Teren.

Goe to, youle still be a wagge Flauia. But what saies Tulley to Terentia?

Cicero.

Lady I must maintaine my former argument, Tullie's not heere, but heere is Tullies friend, For ere I speake, I must intreate, you wil Transforme poore Tulley into Lentulus.

Teren.

I haue no power of Metamorphosing, If Tulley be not heere, you must conceale, I cannot make of Tulley Lentulus.

Cice.

Nor can the world make Cicero so worthy, Yet for an houre discourse a Pesants shape, Nay represent the person of a king. Then in the person of great Lentulus, I doe salute Sunne-bright Terentia, Lady, vouchsafe a Saint-like smile on him, From that angell forme, whose honord minde Lies prostrate lowly at Terentias feete, Who hath put off a Golden victors honour, And left the Parthyan spoyle to Lepido, Whome many Ladies haue bedeckt with fauours, Of rich esteeme, oh proud! he deignd to weare them, Yet guiftes and giuers hee did slight esteeme. For why? the purpose of his thoughts were bent, To seeke the loue of faire Terentia. The choce is such, as choiser cannot bee, Euen with a nimble eye his vertues, through His smile is like the Meridian Sol, Discern'd a dauncing in the burbling brook: His frowne out-dares the Austerest face, Of warre or Tyranny: to sease vpon His shape might force the Virgine huntresse

With him for euer liue a vestall life, His minde is vertues ouer-matcht, yet this & more Shall dye, if this and more want force, To winne the loue of faire Terentia, Then gentle Lady, giue a gentle dome, Neuer was brest the Landlord to a heart, More louing, faithfull, or more loyall, Then is the brest of noble.

Teren:

Tullie.

Tul:

Lentulus!

Ter.

And why not Tullie?

Tul.

It stands not aptly.

Tere:

It wants a sillible.

Tul.

It doth.

Tere.

Then noble Cicero.

Tul:

Thats too deere.

Tere.

Gentle is as good, Then say the best of gentle Cicero.

Tul.

Good Lady wrong not your honour so, To seate vnworthy Tulley with your worth, Oh looke vpon the worth of Lentulus, Let your faire hand be beame vnto the ballance, And with a stedded peyze, lift vp that beame, In on the scale, put the worth of Lentulus His state, his honors, and his reuenewes, Against that heauy waite: put pouertie, The poore and naked name of Cicero, A partner of vnregarded Orators, Then shall you see with what celeritie, One title of his worth will soone pull vp, Poore Tullies dignitie.

Tere:

Iust to the height of Terentias heart, Where I will keepe and Character that name, And to that name my heart shall adde that loue, That shall wey downe the worth of Lentulus.

Tul:

Deare Madam.

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Ter.

Speake still if thou wilt, but not for him, The more thou speak'st, the more augments my loue, If that thou canst adde more to infinite, The more thou speakest, the more decreaseth his, If thou canst take away, ought from nothing, Thinke Tulley, if Lentulus can loue me, So much and more, Terentia doth loue thee.

Tull:

Oh Madam! Tulley is poore, and poore is counted base.

Ter:

Vertue is ritch and blots a poore disgrace.

Tul.

Lentulus is great, his frowne's my woe, And of a friend he will become my foe.

Ter.

As he is friend, we will intreate his loue, As he is great, his threatnings shall not make me loue.

Tul.

Your fathers graunt, makes Lentulus your Lord,

Teren.

But if thereto his daughter not accord, That graunt is cancel'd, fathers may commaund, Life before loue, for life to true loue's paund.

Tul:

How will Flaminius brooke my pouertie?

Ter.

VVell, when Flaminius see's no remedie, Lord how woman like are men, when they are woe'd? Tully, weigh me not light, nere did immodest blush Colour these cheekes, but ardent.

Tul:

Silence sweete Lady, heere comes Flauia.

Fla.

Fie, fie, how teadious ye are: yonders great loo∣king for Tulley, the olde Senate has put on his spectacles, and Lentulus and hee are turning the leaues of a dog-hay, leaues of a worme eaten Chronicle, and they want Tullies iudgement.

Tul:

About what sweete Lady?

Fla:

To know what yeare it was the showers of raine fell in Aprill:

Tul:

I can resolue it by rote Lady, twas that yeare the Cuckoo sung in May: another token Lady, there raigned in Rome a great Tyrant that yere, and many Maides lost their heads for vsing flesh on Fish daies.

Fl.

And some were sacrificed as a burnt offering to the Gods of Hospitallitie, were they not?

Tul.

Y'are a wag Flauia, but talk and you, must needes haue a parting blowe.

Flau.

No matter so we stand out and close not.

Tull:

Or part faire at the close and too 't againe.

Flau:

Nay, if we should too 't againe Terentia would growe iealous.

Tul.

Ladies, I take my leaue, And my loue.

Ter.

Take heede ye sigh not, nor looke red at the ta∣ble Tully.

Flau.

Your shoe wrings you Lady.

Exit.

Ter.

Go to, ye are a wanton Flauia.

Fla.

How now Terentia, in your nine Muses? There's none must pleade in your case but an Orator.

Ter.

I want one indeede Wench, but thou hast two, and the gentle destinies may send thee three, nere blush: for smoke and the fire of a womans loue cannot bee hid. oh a fine tongue, dipt in Helicon, a comedian tongue is the onely perswasiue ornament to win a Lady, why his discourse is as pleasant—

Fla:

As how I prethee?

Ter.

And keepes as good decorum; his prologue with obedience to the skirt, a rough Sceane of ciuill Warres, with a clapping conclusion, perhappes a Iigge, if not the Tragicomicall Tale of Mars and Venus, then must shee take the Tale by the end, where hee defending Mars, & she Venus, must fall from billing to byting, from byting to blowes, to get the supremacie.

Fla:

A good policie to praise Cicero, For feare I rob you of your Lentulus.

Ter.

Faith a Souldier is not for thy humor, now I crie a Warrier, he fights stoutlye in a field bed, discharges his worke sure, vnder his Curtaines would I fight, but come, our Louers melt while wee meditate; thou for thy

scholler, I for my fouldier: and if we cannot please them so, weele shake off this loose habit, and turne Pages to please their humors.

Exeunt.

Enter Accutus and Graccus.

Grac.

Come Accutus, discharge your follower let's leaue rubbing a while, since the by as runs so much the wrong way: Sirra, these bowles which we roule and turn in our lower spher, are by vse made wodden worldlings right for euery one striues who shal lye neerest the mist∣ris.

Ac.

They post indeed, as their nature is, in an euen way, but they are cowards, theile abide no danger, they rub at euerie mole-hil, and if they tyre in going vp a hill, they retire and come backe againe.

Grac.

Well, let them alley, bet all, then to rest, away, begone.

Scil.

S foote Graccus, heeres a couple of our old gam∣sters, oh for quicke conceite to beget a iest: here's two that either a man must be acquainted or quarrell with, & of two euils ile chose the latter, I hope to make it the les∣ser: if I should be acquainted, the foole will haunt me: if I quarrell, I may be so blest as to be rid of a foole.

Grae.

I haue a womans wit for a suddaine stratageme.

Scil:

No by my troth, by this bright horrison—

Enter Scil. and Sernulus.

Accut.

An excellent Cuckoo, hee keepes his note in Winter.

Scil.

I haue no appetite at all to liue in the countrie any more: now as they say, I haue got a smacke on the Cittie, slid I thinke (as the prouerbe goes) I was wrapt in my mothers mocke the day I was begotten, I thanke the Goddesse Cupid for it, I am so fauourd of the Women, my hostes loues me execrably.

Accut:

Good reason, fooles make good sport.

Grac:

Seuer, seuer, ere wee bee discouered.

Ser.

Sir, the respectiue regard of your well gouerned partes do challenge a mellifluous species of enduement,

or contumelious estimation.

Grac:

Gentles, God saue ye, well ouer-taken Gal∣lants.

Scil.

Welcome by the welkin.

Grac.

Tis a verie pleasant weather.

Ser.

Sir, the ayre is frugall.

Grac.

Is that Gentleman of your Company?

Scil.

Our company sir, no, we are no companions for lame Souldiers.

Grac.

Propper man, pittie he is so regardles: a good legge, it seemes he has some greefe in it.

Scil.

Nay, and he be lame ile talke to him, there's so many lustie knaues walkes now a daies, will not sticke to giue a man hard words, if he be not disposed to charitie: harke ye sir, I vnderstand ye are a propper man, and that you haue a good legge.

Accut.

And what of that Sir?

Scil.

What of that? slid he answeres me like a sturdy beggar alreadie: by the fiue elements or sences; I aske ye for no hurt, ide bestowe my charitie as franke as—

Acut.

Stoope and looke out, zoundes a Gentleman cannot come by a misfortune in seruice or so, but eue∣rie foole wil ride him take that—

Exit.

Gra.

Sirra, stay, ile combat thee in his defence.

Seru.

Sir, be pacificall, the impotent must bee lightly regarded.

Grac.

Giue mee leaue Gentlemen, ile follow him.

Scil.

Nay, I pray you be malcōtented, I haue no great hurt: but in reuenge hee's a rascall for vsing mee so, hee may thank God, discretion gouerned me, tis wel known I haue alwaies bene a man of peace, ile not strike yee the least mouse in anger, nor hurt the poorest Conney that goes in the street, for I know of fighting comes quarrel∣ling, of quarrelling comes brawling, and of brawling growes hard words, and as the learned puerelis writes, tis good sleeping in a whole skin.

Grac.

Sir, your discretion shall gouerne me at this time, your name I pray ye sir?

Scil.

My name is signior Scillicet.

Grac.

Euen so sir? nay sir, I doe not forget your Argu∣ment.

Enter Accutus.

Acut;

Saue ye sir, saw you not a Gentleman come this way euen now, somewhat hurt in the one of his Legges?

Scil.

He went by euen now sir, is he a friend of yours?

Acu.

A deare friend, and a propper Gentleman sir.

Scil.

By the horison hee's a propper man indeede, he gaue me the time of the day, as hee went by: I haue a gal∣lon of wine for him at any time, If ye see any thing in me worth commendations, I pray ye commend me to him.

Acut.

I will sir, twere best you gaue me good words, but ile trie ye farther yet, fare ye well sir.

Scil.

I pray you remember me to him, you see my an∣ger is ouer already.

Grac.

Sir, I did not note ye, what fellow was that?

Scil.

Sir, hee's a friend of his, that strooke mee euen now.

Grac.

Would ye not strike him? lets followe.

Scil.

Indeede ye shall not, I hate it.

Ser.

I will not be barren of my armorie, in my future perambulation for the lower element.

Grac.

You are to patient in wrongs sir, Zoundes I know not how to picke a quarrell.

Serr.

Sir, the grieuous youth is inwardlye possest with a supple spirit, hee can brooke impugnying, but tis aduerse to my spirit if I were armed.

Enter Accutus.

Accut.

Saue ye gallants, sawe ye not a fellowe come halting this way of late?

Scil:

Hath he done any hurt, or is hee a friend of yours?

Accut.

Hee's a Rascall, and ile maintaine him so.

Scil:

Hee's a verie Rascall indeede, and hee vsed mee like a knaue: if ere I meete him I shall hardly put it vp, I haue it in blacke and blew to shew heere.

Serr,

Say I breath defyance to his front.

Acut:

Challenge him the field.

Scil:

Doost thinke heele answere me? ile challenge him at the pich-forke, or the Flaile, or ile wrastle a fall with him for a bloody nose, anye weapon I haue bene brought vp in, ile—

Accut:

What will ye? heere he is, you minime that will be friend with friends, and foe with foes, and you that will defie Hercules, and out-braue Mars, and feares not the Deuill, passe bladder, ile make ye swell.

Scil:

By Gods-lid if I had knowne it had bene you, I would not haue saide so to your face.

Exeunt

Accut:

Away with your Champion, goe.

Grac.

This was excellentlye performd, ifaith a better breathing then a game at bowles.

Accut.

Theile giue you the good salue any time this month, for I am sure they haue saluing enough for so long.

Grac:

I pittie the foole yfaith, but the tother Horse∣leach, I wish his blowes trebled: I conuerst with him, but a Rogue so stuft with a lybrary of new minited words, so tearing the sence, I neuer met with.

Accut.

But now we haue spoilde our determinate dinner at my hostesse of the Hobbye, we shall nowe bee knowne.

Grac:

That holds well still, I am taken for a prooued friend, and thou shalt be disguised till I haue wrought a league by vertue of a pottle of Canarie.

Acut:

Content, mine Host shall be accessarie, and ile be a seruiter to obserue myracles.

Gra.

They are good subiects for idle houres: but soft what second course is entring heere?

Enter Phy. Bos and Boy.

Phy.

For I did but kisse her: Bos, how lik'st thou my relish?

Bos.

Oh Sir, relish but your licour as you doe your song, you may goe drunke to bed any day in the weeke.

Phy.

Sister awake, close not, &c. does my face hold co∣lour still?

Bos

I, and you would but scauiage the pauilion of your nose.

Gra.

I marrie Accutus how likst thou this Gentlewo∣man Gallant?

Accut.

A good states man, for common wealth of Brownists, the Rogue hates a Church like a Counter?

Gra.

I, and if my Ladie Argentile were dead, he wold rather liue vppon almes then fall to worke,

Accut.

So: he might haue tolleration, What, shal's close with them?

Gra.

In any case, but in some milde imbrace, for if we should continue thus rough, we should be shund like an Appoplex.

Accut.

Gallants, the fortune of the day runs with ye, what all at 〈◊〉〈◊〉 chance? how ist? how ist?

Phy.

Sir, I think twas you bestowd some abuse of me tother day.

Accu.

Which I would wipe out of your memorie with satisfaction of a double curtesie.

Phy.

I accept it yfaith sir, I am not prone to anger, I assiste ye the following night knewe not my anger: your acquaintance Signior.

Gra.

Fye, without ceremony; lets yoake this triplicity as we did in the daies of olde, with mirth and melody.

Phy.

I, say you so? then Coll her and clip her, & kisse

her too, &c.

Bos

The triplicitie, heere's those has sup: at an ordina∣rie.

Accu.

This gallant humors.

Gra.

But the other walkes a loose.

Bos

The triplicitie, heere's those has crackt Glasses, & drawne blood of a Tapster.

Gra.

The visitation of your hand sir.

Bos

The Triplicitie, will colours change?

Acut:

Sir, take no offence I beseech ye, we gaue onelye satisfaction for an olde iniurie, but in the degree of ami∣tie your selfe sits in the superlatiue.

Bos

Not so sir, but in respect.

Gra.

What kinde is your Dogge of Sir?

Bos:

Verie kinde to any thing but his meate, that hee deuours with great alacritie.

Grac.

Where was he bred?

Bos

In a Bitch.

Gra.

What countrie?

Bos

A kinde of Mungrill, he will carrie, but not fetch, marrie hee is to be put to a dauncing schoole for instructi∣on.

Acut.

The tricke of the rope were excellent in him, & that ile teach him if I misse not my mark: come Gallants, we waste time, the first Tauerne wee ariue at, weele see the race of an houre-glasse.

Phy.

Can ye a part in a Song?

Gra.

Verie tollerably.

Phy.

Weele haue a catch then, if with sol, sol, la: Gen∣tlemen, haue you any good herbe? you haue match boy,

Boy:

Your pipe shall want no fire sir.

Acut:

Oh without ceremony: now Graccus, if we can but pawne their sences in Sacke and Sugar, let mee alone to pursue the sequell.

Gra.

Follow it, away.

Exeunt.

Enter Hostis, Cittizens wife, Scruulus and Scillicet.

Hostis:

Come, come, bring them out of the ayre: alas good hearts, what rogorous villaine would commit with him? ile tell ye Gosip, hee's eene as kinde an animall, he would not wrong them yfaith.

Citty wife.

Tush, feare nothing woman, I hope to make him so againe: alacke, alacke, how fell you out, all at head? oh Butcher! are ye hurt in another place?

Hostis:

Did he not throw you against the stones?

If he did, doe not conceale, I dare say you gaue them not a foule word.

Scil.

By the illuminate welkin not a word till my mouth was full of blood, and so made my words foule.

Citty wife.

Is not this Gentleman hurt to?

Serr:

Onelye the extrauagant Artire of my arme is brused.

Cittie wi:

See, see, the extrauagant of his arme is bru∣sed to, alas how could ye quarrell so?

Serr:

I will demonstrate, in defence of the generous youth, I did appugne, my aduerse let violently flie.

Citty wife:

Ah good hearts! would I had stood betwen you when he let flie so violently.

Ser:

We voide of hostile armes.

Hostis

I, if they had had horses, they had sau'd their armes.

Serr:

Be capable, I meane, voide of armorie.

Citty wife:

Vntill ye had had armor on.

Serr:

Had I bene accompained with my Toledo, or morglay—

Cittie wife:

I, your Dogge or Bitch:

Serr:

Continue I beseech, I meane my sword, sole lye my sword:

Cittie wife:

Or solely your sword, better a bad toole then none at all.

Serr.

In the concourse.

Cittie w.

Nay, the concourse will light on him for it I warrant.

Serr.

I, for the tuition of my Capitall, did mount my Semisphere three degrees, that as a strong & stony guard did defend my Capitall.

Citty wi.

Twas well yee kept him out, for if hee had entred on your stony Guard, he wold haue spoilde your Capitall.

Serr.

In fine being mortally assaild, he did preambu∣late or walke off.

Scil:

Yes faith, he did preambulate, and walke mee finely.

Cittie w

Good heartes, how many were there of them?

Serr.

About the number of seauen.

Scil.

I there was seauen.

Serr.

Or eight.

Scil.

Or eight.

Serr.

Rather more.

City w.

I more at least I warrant ye.

Hostis.

A lasse ye cannot chuse but be more hurt, but ile search you throughly be assured.

Citty w:

And if she cannot helpe ye, fewe can, shee knowes what belongs to a Tent or a bruse, and experi∣ence is good in those cases.

Serr.

I haue a concupiscent forme of trust in your skil, it will malladise.

Citty wi.

I feare not, put both your concupisences in me for that matter.

Serr.

The generous will disburse coynage for satis∣faction of your metaphisicall endeuour.

Scil.

Yes, yes, I will discharge all.

Cittie wife:

Wee make no doubt of that, come into a chamber, ye shall lye downe a while, perhaps youle bee stiffe anon, then you shall vse your legges, the more you striue with it, the better, alas good hearts.

Exeunt

Phy.

Sol, sol, la, Tapster, giue attendance Gentlemen, I hope all we are friends, the welkin is skie colour still, and men must growe by degrees, you must pardon me, I must sp—speake my minde.

Grac:

The vttermost of your minde at this time can∣not be offensiue.

Phy.

The fryer was in the sol, sol, draw the tother quart, I hope you are not angrie gallants? and yee come to my lodging, ye shall be welcome, my Hostes shall bid you welcome: shee's a good wench, if I say the word, she wil fa—full fill it.

Acut.

Sirra drawer, for the other thats a sleepe, let him so remaine: for the Dog let him be bound to a post for his appearance, till I take order for his vndooing.

Draw.

The foole and the Dogge shall both take rest at your commaund Sir.

Phy.

Gentlemen, I hope we are all friends, sol, sol, shals haue a catch?

Grac:

I, come come, euerie one catch a part.

Sing

Phy.

Hey good boies ifaith, now a three mans song, or the olde downe a downe: well, things must be as they may, fils the other quart, muskadine with an egge is fine, theres a time for all things, bonos nocthus.

Sleepe

Grac.

Good night to you sir.

Accut.

So, now Graccus see, what a polluted lumpe, A deformed Chaos of vnsteddy earth Man is, being in this ill kinde vnmād, seeming somthing Bestiall man, brutish animall: well tis thus decreede He shall be what he seemes, that's deade. For what in him showes life, but a breathing ayre, Which by a free constraint it selfe ingenders In things without life: as twixt a paire of bellowes We feele a forcible aire, hauing of it selfe Force & being, no more is this breathing block, But for his vse in kinde: giue out in some bursse or cōgre¦gation Among the multitude, Philantus death. Let all the customarie rights of funerall,

His knell or what else be solemnly obserued, Ile take order for his winding sheete: And further, to furnish it with further suertie, Ile haue a potion, that for twentie houres, Shall quench the motion of his breath. Goe, spread, let me alone to effect it.

Gra.

Ile sow it I warrant thee, thou talkst of bursse, I haue away worth ten on't, ile first giue it out in my Barbers shop, then at my ordinarie, and that's as good as a broad: and as I crosse Tiber, my waterman shall attach it, heele send it away with the tide, then let it come out to an Oy∣ster wenches eare, and sheele crie it vp and downe the streetes.

Acut:

Let's first secure him from eyes, and at night he shall be portered to our chamber: so, now away.

Grac.

Oh a couple that would spred earely, let's giue it for loues sake.

Enter Hostis & Citizens wife.

Acut:

Call, call,

Grac.

Hem, hem.

Cittiy wife.

A pox on your hemmings, doe you think we care for your hemmings,

Hostis:

Tis some stinking troublesome knaue I war∣rant ye.

Citty wife:

Hang him, regard him not, theres hem∣ming indeede like a Cat, (God blesse vs) with a burre in her throate.

Exeunt

Grac.

S'hart, how we are ript vp for this?

Ac.

Oh man, this hemming is the most hatefulst thing, there's not the moste publique punck, nor worme-eaten bawd that can abide it, and honestie would runne madde to heare it, but come, wee wast, time, tis now about the mid of day, we must sowe arethmatike by the houres, that let the morrowes height Philantus awake againe, at which time hee shall bee on his Hearse, and all the Guestes of the Hobbye inuited

to accompany his ghost, when being awake himselfe, and all shall see, if drunkennesse be not mad misterie.

Grac.

But I prethee practise some milder behauiour at the ordinarie, be not al madman.

Acut.

Push, ile bee all obseruatiue, and yet ifaith I grieue to see this double garded age, all side coate, all foole, fye, thou keepest the sports from the marke, away, and retunre what newes is now in progresse.

Grac:

I haue the newest, Terentia Daughter to the olde Senate, thogh Lentulus left the field to come to her, yet she hath forsaken him in the open field, and shee's for our young Oratour Tully, she has vowd by Venus legge, and the little God of Loue, he shal be her captaine, sheele serue vnder him till death vs depart, and thereto I plight thee my troth.

Acut.

More Ladies Terentias, I crie still, That prise a Saint before a Silken foole, She that loues true learning and pompe disdaines, Treades on Tartarus, and Olimpus gaines.

Grac.

I marrie, but then would learning be in colours proud, proud, then would not foure nobles purchase a benefice, two Sermons in a yeare.

Accut.

I Graccus, now thou hitst the finger right, Vpon the shoulder of Ingratitude: Thou hast clapt an action of flat felony Now ill be tide that partiall iudgement, That doomes a farmers rich, adultus, to the supremacy of a Deanrie. When needie, yet true grounded Discipline, Is gouern'd with a threed bare Vycarage.

Grac.

I, thou speak'st well of their sides that are libe∣rally ouerseene in the sciences, I take no hold on't, but were all men of thy minde, then would euerie Schoole∣maister bee a Senate, and there would neuer come Cobler to be Constable againe.

Accut.

Ynough, ynough Graccus, let silence seale vp Our secret thoughts, and libertie say,

Virtus sola summa gloria, Quae format homines, vera honore.

Exeunt

Enter Flaminius and Tully.

Flam.

Goe to I say, vrge no more, tis Tauerne talk, for Tauerners Table talke for all, the vomit of rumor: what newes saies one? none so new as this, Tully shall be mar∣ried to Terentia: what newes saies another? the same, the same, whose consent haue ye? not mine, I deny it, I must knowe of it, ile haue a hand, goe to, no more.

Tul.

Gentle sir, Lay not that leaden loade of foule reproach, Vpon so weake a prop, what's done is past recall, If ought is done, vnfitting to be done, The worst is done, my life must answere it.

Flam.

I, you shall answere it in the Senate house, the Emperor shall knowe it: if she be my childe, I will rule her, ile bridle her: ile curbe her: ile raine her, if she will not, let her goe, starue, begge. hang, drawe, sinck, swimme she gets not a do it, a deneire, ile not owne her.

Tul.

Reuerend Sir be more patient.

Flam.

I am impatient: I am troubled: I am vext: I am scoft: I am pointed at: ile not endure it: ile not abide it: ile be reuenged, I wil: of her: of you both: proud boy: wanton giglot, a spyring hautie, knowe your equals, shee's not for ye, if ye persist, by my holy maker you shall an∣swere it, looke to it, you shall, you shall indeede.

Tull.

I shall, I must, I will, I will indeede, Euen to the greatest I will answere it: If great mens eares be ope to innocency, If greatnesse be not partiall with greatnesse, Euen to the greatest I will answere it, Perhaps some shallowe censurer will say, The Orator was proud, he would climbe too hie, But heauen and truth will say the contrarie.

My greatest griefe is, I haue my friend betraide, The treason's done, I, and the Traitor's free, Yet innocent Treason needes not to flee, His loyaltie bids me abide his frowne, And he hath power to raise, or hurle me downe.

Tere.

What ailes my Tully, wherefore look'st thou sad? What discontent hath stopt the crimson current Which ran so cheerefully within that brow, And makes it sullen like a standing poole? Tell me, who ist hath wrong my Cicero?

Tul.

Oh wrong him not.

Tere.

Who is it then that wrongs my Tully so? What hath Terentia ought offended thee? Doost thou recall thy former promises? Dost thou repent thee of—

Tul.

Oh wrong me not.

Tere.

What hath my Father done this iniurie? There, there, thy thoughts accord to say tis so, I will deny him then, hee's not my father, Hee's not my friend will enuie Cicero.

Tul.

Wrong not thy selfe.

Teren.

What heauie string doost thou deuide vpon? Wrong not him, wrong not me, wrong not thy selfe, Where didst thou learne that dolefull mandrakes note, To kill the hearers? Tully, Canst thou not indure a little danger for my loue? The fierie spleene of an angrie Father, Who like a storme will soone consume it selfe, I haue indurde a thousand iarring houres, Since first he did mistrust my fancies aime: And will indure a thousand thousand more, If life or discord either liue so long.

Tul.

The like will I for sweete Terentia, Feare not, I haue approoued armour on, Will bide the brunt of popular reproach, Or whatsoeuer.

Ter.

Enough Tully, we are discouered.

Fla.

Ye faith, are ye at it? what is there neuer a louing teare shed on neither side? nor you? nor you? Tullies are red, come, come ye fooles, be more breefe, I would haue buried three husbands before youle be married.

Tul.

Why liues Flauia a Virgin still?

Fla:

Because I haue vow'd virginitie til I can get a hus∣band

Teren.

Why Flauia you haue many suitors.

Flau.

Oh I am loaden with suitors: for indeede I am faine to beare with any of them, I haue a dumbe shewe of all their pictures, each has sent in his seuerall shadow, and I sweare I had rather haue them then the substance of any of them.

Tul.

Can you not describe them in action?

Flau.

Yes, and their action: I haue one honest man of the age of fortie fiue or there about, that trauerses his ground three mile euerie morning to speake to mee, and when hee is come; after the saluting ceremony of how do you Lady, hee falles to calculating the natiuitie of the Moone, prognosticating what faire weather will follow, if it either snow or raine, sometime with a gentle pinche by the fingar, intermixed with the valley of sighes: hee falles to discoursing of the prise of pease, and that is as pleasing to me as a stinking breath.

Tul.

A good description.

Fla.

Another bringes Letters of commendation from the Constable of the Parish, or the Church∣warden, of his good behauiour and bringing vp, how hee could write and reade written hand: further, desiring that his Father would request my Father that his Fathers Sonne might marrie my Fathers Daughter, and heele make her a ioynter of a hundred pound a yeare, and beget three or foure fooles to boote.

Teren.

Better and better.

Flau.

Vsus promptus facit.

Faemina ludificantur viros, well, forward,

Tul.

I haue another, that I prise derer then the rest, amost sweete youth, and if the winde stand with him I can smell him halfe a mile ere hee come at me, indeede hee weares a Musk-cat, what call ye it about him?

Tul.

What doe you call it?

Flau:

What ye will, but hee smels better then burnt Rosemarie, as well as a perfuming pan, and euerie night after his first sleepe, writes louesicke sonnets, rayling a∣gainst left handed fortune his foe, that suffers his sweete heart to frowne on him so.

Tul.

Then it seemes you graunt him no fauour.

Flau:

Faith I dare not venture on him for feare hee should be rotten: giue me nature, not arte.

Tere.

Here comes Lord Lentulus.

Tul.

Swift danger now ride poaste through this pas∣sage, health to your honour.

Len.

And happines to you.

Tul.

Tis heauen deere Lord, but—

Lent.

Tush, tush, on earth, come, come, I know your suite, tis graunted sure what ere it be.

Tul.

My sute craues death for treason to my friend.

Teren.

The Traitor liues while I haue breath to spend, Then let me die to satisfie your will.

Lent.

Neither yfaith, kneele not, rise, rise, I pray You both confesse you haue offended me.

Both.

We doe, we haue.

Lent.

Then for this offence, be this your doome, Tulley must die, but not till fates decree To cut your vitall threed, or Terentia Finde in her heart to be your Deathes-man?

Flau.

Faith the Fates may doe as they may, but Teren∣tia will neuer finde in her heart to kill him, sheele first burie him quick.

Len.

The like is doomde to faire Terentai, How say you both, are yee content?

Tere.

My thoughts are plung'd in admiration.

Tul.

But can your honour burie such a wrong?

Len.

I can, I can, heere Tully, take Terentia, Liue many happie yeares in faithfull loue, This is no more then friendships lawes allow, Thinke me thy selfe another Cicero.

Flau:

Twere better my Lord, you did perswade her to think you another Cicero, so you might claim some inte∣rest in her now and then.

Lent.

That I would claime with you, faire Ladie, hark in your eare, nay, I must conclude with you.

Flau:

Y'oule not bite my Lord?

Len.

No, of my faith my Lady.

Tere.

Thus far my loue, our hopes haue good successe, One storme more past, my griefes were much the lesse.

Tul.

Friendship it selfe hath beene more prodigal, Then a bolde face could begge vpon a friend.

Lent.

Why then, theres a bargaine.

Flau.

Strike hands vpon the same, I am yours to commaund. Ile loue with ye, ile lie with ye, ile loue with all my heart, With all my strength, with all my power and vertue: Seald and deliuered in the presence of vs:

Lent.

Marcus, Tullius, and Cicero. Then you deliuer this as your act and deede?

Flau.

I doe, and seale it with this—

Lent.

Why well said, tis done, see, we begin but now, And are as ready to goe to Church as you: What needes further ceremony?

Flau.

Yes, a little matrimony.

Lent.

I Lady, come Tully and Terentia, One day shall shine on both our Nuptialls, Feare not, ile quench the fire of your Fathers heate With my consent.

Flau.

I prethee appoint the time.

Lent.

About a weeke hence loue.

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Flau.

Oh, tis too intollerable long.

Lent.

Then foure daies.

Flau.

Foure daies is foure times foure & twenty hours that's too long too.

Lent.

We cannot sooner be readie:

Flau.

Yes and vnreadie too, in a day and a halfe.

Lent.

Well then two daies.

Flau.

Til then weele feede on conceite, Tully thanke me but for your companye, I would not tarrie so long: come Tully since wee shall bee married all at one time, weele goe to bed so, and he shall be maister of the Cock∣pit, that bids his Gossips first.

Exeunt

Enter Acutus and Graccus.

Acut.

Nay quicke Graccus, least our houre fore-stall vs, ile in and deale for your disguise, tarrie thou, & giue mine host a share of our intent, marry charge him to keep it as secret as his Garbage. Hee vndoes our drift and cloathes the foole in sack-cloath during his life.

Gra.

Ile warrant thee ile manage it with as good iudgement as a Constable his charge.

Acut.

And I mine as a watchman his office.

Gra.

Better I hope: well about it.

Exit.

Host.

There, there, my little lackey boyes, giue the word as ye passe, look about to my guests there, score vp at the Bar there; again, agen my fine Mercuries; if youle liue in the facultie, be rulde by instructions: you must bee eyed like a Serieant, an eare like a Belfounder, your con∣science a Schoolemaister, a knee like a Courtier: a foole like a Lackey, and a tongue like a Lawyere, away, away, my braue bullies: welcome sweete Signior, I cannot bow to thy knee. I'me as stout & as stiff as a new made knight, but if I say the word mine Host bids the Cobler—

Gra.

May I craue a word of you mine Host?

Host.

Thou shalt, whisper in mine eare, I will see and say little, what I say, dūs the mouse & welcom my bullies.

Enter Scillicet and Getica.

Scil.

By the torrid zone (sweet heart) I haue thought well of you euer since I loued ye, as a man wold say (like a young dauncer out of all measure) if it please you y∣faith, any thing I haue promised you, ile performe it to a haire, ere to morrow night.

Get.

I wounder I can heare no newes of my man and my puppie.

Scil.

Doe you thinke sweet heart, to be maried by day light or by torch-light.

Get.

By night is more Lady-like, ile haue a cryer to crie my puppie sure.

Scil.

What thinke ye if we had an offering?

Get.

That were most base yfaith.

Scil.

Base, slid I cannot tel, if it were as base as a sag but ile be sworne tis as common as a whore, tis euen as com∣mon to see a Bason at the Church doore as a box at a Playhouse.

Get.

It greeues me not so much for my man, as for my puppie, my man can shift for himselfe, but my poor pup∣pie, truely I thinke I must take Phisicke euen for feare sweete heart.

Host.

Tut, tut, I warrant thee, ile be as close as a bawd, ile keepe mine owne counsell, be merrie and close, merrie hart liues long, let my guests take no wrong, & welcome my bullie.

Exit.

Grac.

Theres none ment beleeue it sir.

Scil:

Signior, by the welk in well met, what, all three so luckely?

Enter Seruulus.

Ser.

Gallants, sauing the Ceremonie, Stroke your haire vp and admire, for sweare sacke.

Scil.

Forsweare Sacke, slid not for the spending of two farmes more, if they were come into my hands once,

Ser.

I say be astonisht, and forsweare sacke, for by the cumbustion influence of sacke fiue men lye breathlesse, ready to be folded in the terrestiall element.

Grac:

Fiue slaine with Sacke, ist possible?

Ser.

These eyes are testators.

Scil.

Nay then tis so.

Getica:

Sir, you haue not heard of a puppie in your trauels.

Grac:

No, indeed, Gentlewoman.

Ser.

Fiue beleeue me Sir.

Acu:

Fiue of one, oh deuil! what limme of him but a complete Villaine, A tongue prophaner then Idolatrie: His eye a Beacon, fixed in his place: Discouering illes, but hood winckt vnto grace, Her heart a nest of vice, kept by the Deuill, His good is none at all, his all, is euill,

Hostis;

Oh the father, Gallants, yonders the most hard fauourd newes walkes the streetes, seauen men goeing to their graues that dyed with drinking and bisseling.

Acut.

Good still, nay, then I see the deuill has some power ouer a woman more then a man, seauen! t'wll bee more anon.

Get.

Now I beseech Bacchus my puppie has not ouer seene himselfe.

Scil.

This is verie strange.

Hostis.

And as true a report I assure you.

Cittie wife:

Out al as, where's my Gosip? oh woman! haue you not heard the newes?

Hostis

Yes, I haue heard on't.

Cittie wife.

Oh woman, did your childes childe euer see the like, nine men to bee buried too day, that drunke healthes last night.

Acut:

Better and better, goodnes neuer mends so fast

in the carrying: nine!

Cittie wife.

They say one is your guest Philantus,

Acut.

And all I dare sweare, whome ile reuiue againe

Cittie wife

Well, he was a propper man yfaith.

Hostis:

I, and had good skill in prick-song, yet hee had a fault in his humor, as none are without (but Puritans:) he would sweare like an Elephant, and stampe and stare (God blesse vs) like a play-house book-keeper, when the actors misse their entrance.

Scil.

Nay harke ye sir, I can brooke much iniurie, but not that, meddle with me, but not with my trade, shee is mine owne, shee's meus, tuus, suus, no mans else, I assure ye we are sure together.

Grac.

Sure ye are together sir, but is your wife, your trade? you meane to liue vpon your wife then.

Acut.

The foole has some wit though his money bee gone.

Grac.

Sir, I hope ye are not offended, I assure ye would be loath to offend the least haire of your caput, sissiput, or occiput.

Scil.

Occiput: what meane you by occiput?

Grac.

The former part of your head.

Scil.

The former part of your head, why I hope I haue not an occiput, in the former part of my head, Signior Ser∣nulus, what meanes be by it?

Serr.

The signification of the word onely a mounts to this, the former part of your head.

Accut.

The foole is iealious, prethee feede it.

Scil.

S'lid I cannot be so sussified, I pray you Signior what meanes he by occuput?

Grac:

No hurt veriely, onely, the word signifies, and the reason is (saith Varro) being a great deriuer from originals it is called occiput, for that the former part of the head looks likest the Oxe.

Scil:

Likest the Oxe, by gad, if ere I come to talke with that Ʋarro, ile make him show a better reason for it.

Grac.

But howsoeuer, it proceeded from me all in kindenes.

Scil:

Sir, I accept it so, for I tell ye I am of a mollifying nature, I can strut, and againe in kindnesse, I can suffer a man to breake my head, and put it vp without anger.

Accut.

I claime that priuiledge sir, I thinke I offended you once that way.

Scil.

I loue ye then for it sir, yet I cannot remember that euer a Tapster broke my head, yet I call to minde I haue broke many Tapsters heads.

Accut.

Not as a Tapster, for I but borrow this habyt.

Scil

The fruite is knowne by the tree, by gad I knewe by your aporn ye were a gentleman, but speciallye by your flat cap.

Serr.

I call to memorie, let vs vnite with kinde im∣brace.

Cittie wife.

Now well fare your harts, by my truth tis ioy to a woman, to see men kinde, faith you courtiers are mad fellowes, you care not in your humors to stab man or woman that standes in your way, but in the end your kindenes appeares.

Hostis.

You can resolue vs sir, we hear of great reuels to be at Court shortly.

Grac.

At the marriage of Lentulus, and the Orator: verie true.

Hostis

Might not a company of Wiues be beholding to thee for places that would be there without their hus∣bands knowledge if neede were?

Grac.

A moitie of friendship that, ile place ye where ye shall sit and see all.

Cittie wife:

Sit, nay if there were but good standinges, we care not.

Acu:

S'foot Graccus we tarrie too long I feare, the houre wil ouer take vs, tarrie thou and inuite the Guests, and Ile goe see his course mounted.

Grac.

About it.

Hostis.

Whether goes that Gentleman?

Grac.

About a needefull trouble: this gentleman Hath at the charges of his charitie, Preparde to inter, a friend of his, Though lately entertaind a friend of yours. Acquaintance to you all, Philantus: and would desire You would with him accompany his ghost To funerall, which will be presently on his iourney.

Cittie wife.

Of his charge, dyed he not able to purchase a Winding sheete?

Grac.

Twere sinne to wrong the dead, you shal heare the inuentorie of his pocket.

Inprimis, A brush and a Combe.	o	o	v.d.
Item, a looking Glasse.	o	o	i.d.ob.
Item, A case of Tobacco Pipes.	o	o	iiij.d.
Item, Tobacco halfe an ounz.	o	o	vj.d
Item, in money and golde.	o	o	iij.d
Summa totalis. xix.d. halfe penny.

Hostis.

What was his suite worth?

Grac:

His sute was colde, because not his owne, and the owner caused it to be restored as part of recompence, hauing lost the principall.

Acut:

What, are they readie: the Corse is on his iour∣ney hetherwards.

Grac.

Tush, two womens tungs giue as loud report as a campe royall of double cannons.

Enter Host, Cornutus.

Host.

Tut, tut, thou art welcom, Cornutus is my neigh∣bour, I loue him as my selfe, tha'st a shrowe to thy wife, gaue her tongue to much string, but let mine Host giue thee counsell, heele teach thee a remedie.

Cornu.

No, no, my good Host, mum, mum, no words a∣gainst my wife, shee's mine owne, one flesh & one blood, I shall feele her hurt, her tongue is her owne, so are her hands, mum, mum, no words against your wife.

Host.

Tut, tut, thou art a foole, keepe her close from the poticarie, let her taste of no licoras, twill make her long winded: no plums, nor no parseneps, no peares, nor no Popperins, sheele dreame in her sleepe then, let her liue vpon Hasels, giue her nuts for her dyet while a toothe's in her head: giue her cheese for disgestion: twil make her short winded, if that will not serue, set fire to the pan, and blow her vp with Gun-powder.

Cittie wife

I, I, mine Host, you are well imployed to giue a man counsell against his wife, they are apt enough to ill I warrant ye.

Cornu:

Mum, mum, my sweete wife, I know the world wel enough, I haue an eare, but I heare not: an eye, but I see not: whats spoake against thee, I regard not: mum, mum, I knowe the world well enough.

Cittie wife.

I, and twere more seemely you were at your owne house too, your wife cannot goe abroad but you must follow, husbands must bee fringed to their wiues Petticoates, I pray you tarrie you, ile goe home.

Cor.

Not so my sweet wife, I am gone, I am vanisht, mum, mum, no anger shall stirre thee, no words, I know the world well inough.

Hostis.

Twere better by thrice deuce-ace in a weeke eue∣ry woman could awe her husband so well as she.

Gracc.

Ist possible, sfoot well, I thought it had bene but a fable al this while, that Iole shold make great Hercules spit on his thombes, & spin, but now I see, if a man were as great as Caesar, Iulius, or Augustus, or both in one, a woman may take him downe.

Hostis

Gossip, faith ile vse a little of your counsel, but my husband is so fat, I feare I shall neuer bring him to it.

Grac.

Now gentles, you that can prepare a few teares to shed, for now enters a sad sceane of sorrowe.

Enter Fryer and course.

Fryer.

Man is flesh, and flesh is fraile, The strongest man at length must faile, Man is flesh, and flesh is grasse, Consuming time as in a glasse. Now is vp, and now is downe, And is not purchast by a Crowne. Now seede, and now we are sowen, Now we wither, now are mowen, Frater noster heere doth lye, In panpertate he did die. And now is gone his viam longam, That leades vnto his requiem aeternam But dying needie, poore and bare, Wanting to discharge the Fryer, Vnto his graue, hees like to passe, Hauing neither Dirge nor Masse. So set forward, let him goe, Et benedicamus Domino.

Phy.

And then to Apollo, hollo trees, hollo, Tapster a few more cloathes to my feete.

Omnes

Oh heauens!

Acut.

Gentles, keep your places, feare nothing: in the name of God what art thou?

Phy.

My Hearse and winding sheete: what meanes this? why Gentles I am a liuing man.

Acut:

Spirit thou ly'st, thou deludest vs.

Citty wife:

Coniure him Fryer.

Fryer.

In nomino Domini, I thee charge, Responde mihi heere at large. Cuium pecus whence thou art: Et quam obrem, thou makest vs start, In spiritus of the gloomy night? Qui Venis huc vs to affright

Per trinitatem I there charge thee, Quid tu vis hic to tell to me.

Phy.

Why gentles, I am a liuing man Philantus, what instance shall I giue ye? heare me, I haue sight, vnderstā∣ding, I know mine hostes, I see that Gentlewoman, I can feele.

Scil.

Feele this Gentlewoman! s'ild if yee were ten Ghosts, ile not indure it.

Acut.

Spirit thou deludest vs.

Phy.

Why, what should I say? will ye hsare my voice, heres none but—

Scil.

Nay, thats a lye, then tis a liuing spirit, ile haue a¦bout with him.

Accut.

Oh sir, meddle not with shadowes, spirit thou lyest, I saw thee dead, so did many moe: We know ye wandring dwellers in the dark, Haue power to shape you like mortallitie, To beguile the simple, & deceue their soules, Thou art a Deuill.

Phy.

Sweet Gent, beholde I am flesh and blood, heres my flesh feele it.

Cittie wife

By my troth methinkes hee should be aliue, I could finde in my heart to feele his flesh.

Grac.

Trie with your Rapier Accutus, if he bleede hee liues.

Phy.

If I bleed I die, sweet Gentlemen draw no blood.

Accu.

How shall wee knowe thou art flesh and blood then?

Grac:

Take heede Accutus heele blast thee.

Phy.

What instance shall I giue ye? I am Phylantus, he that must needes confesse he was drunk in your compa∣nies last day, sweet Gentlemen conceiue me aright.

Accut.

Why true, true, that we know, and those swil∣ling bowels, Death did arrest thee, many saw thee deade, Else needles were these rites of funeralls, And since that time till now, no breath was knowne.

Flye from you: and twentie times the houre-glasse, Hath turnd his vpside downe: and twenty times The nimble current sand hath left his vpper roome, To ly beneath, since sparke of life appeard, In all which time, my care imploide it selfe, To giue the rights of buriall: now if you liue, Who so glad as I?

Phy.

Sir, your loue hath showne it selfe aboundant, but the colde aire is a meanes to deuorce me from your companies: mine host let me craue passage to my chāber.

Host:

Out of my dores knaue, thou enterest not my dores, I haue no chalke in my house, my posts shal not be garded with a little sing song, si nihil attuleris ibis Homere foras.

Accut.

Ha, how now man? see'st now any errors? Nay, this is no thing: he hath but showne A patterne in himselfe, what thou shalt finde In others: search through the Globe of earth If there mongst twentie, two thou doost finde Honester then himselfe, ile be buried straight, Now thinke what shame tis to be vilde, And how vilde to be drunk: looke round, where? Nay looke vp, beholde you Christall pallace, There sits an vbiquitarie Iudge, From whome arcana nulla abscondita. That see's all and at pleasure punisheth, Thou canst not scape scot free, how canst thou? Why sencelesse man, in that, sinne will betray His father, brother, nay, him himselfe: feares not To commit the worst of euils: secure, if Thunder boults should drop from heauen, dreading Nor heauen nor hell: indeede hss best state Is worse then least, prised at highest rate.

Ser.

This critique is hoarsh, vnsauerie, and reproofeful, avoyd him.

Scil.

Hee speakes well, but I like not his dispray∣sing

of drunkennes: tis Phisicke to me, and it makes mee to sleep like a good horse, with my nose in the maunger, come sweete heart.

Hostis

Signior Philantus I pray ye a word.

Exit

Acut.

How now, whispering? s'foot if they should giue our purpose another crosse point, where are wee then? note, note.

Hostis,

Heere take the key, conuey your selfe into the Chamber, but in any case take heede my husband see you not.

Phy.

Feare not: gentles, be thanks the guerden of your loue, till time giue better abilitie,

Exit.

Acut:

Ha! nay s'foot, I must claw out another deuice: we must not part so, Graccus prethee keepe the sceane til I fetch more actors to fill it fuller.

Gra.

But prethee let me partake.

Acut:

Not till I returne, pardon me,

Exit

Hostis

By my troth gossip I am halfe sicke of a conceit

Cittiy wife.

What woman? passion of my heart, tel me your greefe?

Hostis

I shall goe to court now, and attired like an old Darie woman, a Ruffe, holland of eight groates, three in∣ches-deepe of the olde cut, and a hat as farre out of fashion as a close placket.

Cittie wife.

Why I hope your husband is able to main∣taine you better: are there not nights as well as daies? does he not sleepe some times? has hee no pockets about him? cannot you search his breeches? anye thing you finde in his breeches is your owne.

Hostis

But may a woman doe that with safetie?

Cittie wife.

I and more, why should shee not? why what is his is yours, what's yours, your owne:

Hostis

The best hope I haue is, you knowe my Guest Mistris Gettica, she has pawnd her Iewels to me already, and this night I look for her Hood, and her tyer, or if the worst chance, I knowe I can intreate her to weare my

cloathes, and let me goe in her attire to Court.

Cittie wife.

Or if all faile, you may hire a good suite at a Iewes: or at a broakers, tis a common thing and speci∣ally among the common sort.

Enter Host and Constable.

Host.

To search through my house, I haue no Varlets no knaues, no stewd prunes, no she fierie phagies, my Chambers are swept, my sinkes are all scowred, the ho∣nest shal come in, the knaues shall go by, yet wil I maister Constable, goe search through my house, I care not a sheepes skin.

Const.

We are compeld to doe it mine host, a Gentlemā is robd last night, & we are to search euery priuy corner.

Host.

Mine host is true Mettall, a man of reputation, a true Holefernes, he loues iuice of grapes, and welcom maister Constable.

Exit

Acut.

Graccus, how likst thou this?

Grac.

Excellent, for now must he needes fall into the Constables hands: and if he haue any grace, twil appear in his face, when he shall be carried through the streete in a white sheet twill be a good penance for his fault.

Hostis.

Now fortune fauour that my husband find him not

Cittie wife.

Heele be horne mad, & neuer able to indure it: why woman if he haue but as much man in him as a Maribone, heele take the burthen vppon his own necke, and neuer discouer you

Hostis

Alas heere they come, lets away Gossip.

Exeunt.

Gra.

Fortune my foe, why doost, &c.

Acut:

Oh fye, that's bitter, pre the goe comfort him.

Grac.

Faith he should be innocent by his garment: Sig∣nior, I grieue for this, but if I can help, looke for it.

Phy.

I thanke ye sir.

Const.

We must contaminate our office, pray regard vs as little as ye can.

Exit

Accut.

Me thinkes this shold put him quite out of tune: now so, let him goe, now to mine Host, theres he, and hee,

and h••e, theres shee, and she, ile haue about with all: & critiques, honnys sweetest, mixt with gal.

Exeunt

Enter Host Cornutus.

Host;

Goe to, there's knaues in my house, I know of no Varlets, I haue an eye has his sence, a braine that can reach, I haue bene cald Polititian, my wife is my wife, I am her top, i'me her head: if mine Host say the word, the Mouse shall be dun.

Corn.

Not so my sweet Host, mum, mum, no words a∣gainst your wife, he that meanes to liue quiet, to sleep in cleane sheetes, a Pillowe vnder his head, his dyet drest cteanely, mum, mum, no words against his wife.

Host,

Thar't a foole, thar't a foole, bee rulde by mine host, shew thy self a braue man of the true seede of Troy; a gallant Agamemnon, tha'st a shrew to thy wife, if shee crosse thy braue humors, kicke thy heele at her huckle bone.

Enter Accutus.

Acut.

Gentles, most happily encountred, how good hap hath turnd two labours into one, I was addrest to both, and at once haue met both, sure I must intreate that you must not deny.

Host.

Say on my sweete bullie, mine Host will attend thee, speake roundly to the purpose and welcome my bullie.

Accut.

Marrie thus: there are are great reuels & shews preparde to beautifie the nuptials of Lentulus and Tully, in which the Cittizens haue the least share, now would but you and some others that I shall collect, ioyne hands with me in some queint iest,

Our shew shall deserue grace, and braue the rest.

Host.

I haue thee braue spirit, tha'rt of the true seed of Troy, lets bee merrie and wise, merrie hearts liue long mine Host, my braue Host with his neighbor Cornutus shall bee two of the Maskers, and the Morrice shall bee daunc'd,

Cor:

Not so mine Host, I dare not doe so, t'wil destem∣per my wife, my house will be vnquiet, mum, mum, I know the world well enough.

Host.

Thou shalt goe saies mine Host, merrie hearts liue long, welcome bully, mine Host shall make one, so shal my Cornutus, for if I say the word the mouse shall be dun.

Enter Bos with Porters.

Porters.

Saue ye mine Host, heeres a parcell of Corne was directed to be deliuered at your house.

Host:

What ware my little Atlas, what ware is it?

2. Por:

I know not, but i'me sure tis as heauie as a horse and—

1 Por:

I thinke tis a barrel of oyle, for it spurg'd at my backe.

Bos

It was oyle, for I drew the Tap.

Grac.

What Bos, what makst thou heere?

Acc:

Oh charadeum soboles magnum bouis increm entum! Bos art there there?

Bos:

As sure as you are there Signior.

Grac:

Bos, will ye not forsake your Cabbin?

Bos

Oh sir, he that has not a tilde house must bee glad of a thatcht house: may I craue a suite of you signior?

Grac:

What suite Bos?

Bos

What you please, beggers must not chuse.

Accut.

Bos is growne misticall, hee's too dark.

Bos

I speake hebrew indeed like Adam and Eue, before they fel to spinning: not a rag.

Grac.

What, naked Bos?

Bos

As ye see, will ye heare my suite signior?

Gra:

Drunk & his cloathes stoln, what theef wold do it?

Bos:

Any theefe sir, but no true man.

Gra.

Wel Bos, to obtaine a suite at my handes, and to doe some pennance for your fault, you shal here maintaine an argument in the defence of drunkennes: mine Host shall heare it ile be your oppoment, Acutus moderator: wilt thou doe it.

Host:

A mad merrie prig, all good spirits, wilt thou doe it Bos?

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Bos.

Ile doo't.

Grac.

Seate yee, heres my place, now Bos propound.

Bos.

Drunkennes is a vertue.

Gra:

Your proofe.

Bos.

Good drinke is full of vertue, Now full of good drinke is drunke, Erge, to be drunke is to be vertuous.

Grac.

I deny it, good drinke is full of vice, Drinke takes away the sences, Man that is sencelesse is vitious, Ergo, good drinke is full of vice.

Bos

I deny it still, good drinke makes good bloud, Good blood needes no Barber, Ergo, tis good to drinke good drinke.

Accu.

Hee holdes ye hard Graccus.

Bos.

Heeres stronger proofe, drunkennesse ingenders with two of the morrall vertues, and sixe of the lyberall sciences.

Gra.

Let him prooue that and Ile yeeld.

Host:

A mad spirit yfaith.

Bos.

A drunkard is valiant and lyberall, heele out-face Mars, braue Hercules, and feares not the Deuill, then for the most part hee's liberal, for heele giue all the cloathes off his backe, though hee weepe like a Widowe all the day following: nay, for the sciences, hee's a good phisitian hee vomits himselfe rarelie, and will giue any man else a vomit that lookes on him (if hee haue not a verie good stomacke) perfect in Geomitrie, for he hanges in the aire by his owne conceite, and feeles no ground: and hee's all musicall, the world turnes round with him, euerie face in the painted cloath shewes like a Fairie dauncing about him, and euerie spar in the house a minstrell.

Grac:

Good: forward.

Bos

Then hee's a good Lawyer, for hees neuer with∣out a fierie facies, & the leaste Capias will take his habeas Corpus: besides, another point of a Lawyere, heele raile

and raue against his dearest friends, and make the world think they are enemies, when the next day theile laugh, bee fat and drunk together: and a rare Astronomer, for he has starres twinckling in his eyes, in the darkest night, when a wise man discernes none in the firmanent, and will take great paines in the practise: for lay him on his backe in the open fields ouer∣night, and you shall be sure to finde him there in the morning: haue I sed well, or shall I giue you a stronger proofe? an honest man will be as good as his word: Signior Graccus is an honest man, Ergo I must haue a new suite.

Accu:

The moderator concludes so, Graccus is ouerthrown so far as the damage of a suite, so away with him, come, our fire will out, strip vs, mine Host and you wee expect your compa∣nies, we must craue absence a while, better to furnishe our pur∣poses: the time of the day to ye.

Host.

Farwel my good bullies, mine Host has sed & the mouse is dun.

Enter the dumb shew of the marriage, Lentulus, Tully, and the rest. Enter Hostis in Getticaes apparel, Getic. in hers, & Mistris Dama.

Hostis.

Come Gossip, by my troth I cannot keepe my hood in frame.

Cittie wife.

Let me helpe ye woman.

Get.

Sir, we shall be troublesome to ye.

Gra:

Oh vrge not that I pray ye.

Get.

I pray yee what showe will be heere to night? I haue seen the Babones already, the Cittie of new Niniuie, and Iulius Caesar acted by the Mammets.

Grac.

Oh gentlewoman, those are showes for those places they are vsed in, marry here you must expect some rare deuice as Diana bathing her selfe, being discouered or occulated, by Acteon, he was trāfigured to a hart, & werried to death with his own dogs.

Cit. w.

Thats prettie in good truth, & must Diana be naked?

Gra.

Oh of necessitie, if it be that show.

Hostis.

And Acteon too? thats prettie ifaith.

Enter Caesar, Lent. Tully, Teren, Flauia.

Caes.

Now gallant Bridegroomes, and your louely Brides, That haue ingeminate, in endlesse league, Your troth-plight hearts in your nuptial vowes, Tyed true loue knots, that nothing can disolue,

Till death that meager purseuant of Ioue, That Cancels all bonds: we are to clowdie, My spirit a typtoe nothing I could chid so much, As winged time that gins to free a passage, To his turrent glasse, and crops our day-light That mistie night will summon vs to rest, Before we feele the burthen of our ey-lids. The time is teadious, wants varietie, But that I may shew what delightfull raptures, Combats my soule, to see this vnion, And with what boundles ioy I doe imbrace it, We heere commaund all prison gates flye ope, Freeing all prisoners, (traitors all except, That poore mens prayers may increase our daies, And writers circle ye with wreathes of bayes.

Grac.

S'foot Accutus lets lay hold of this, to free our captiue.

Acu:

Content; ile prosecute it.

Tul.

Dreade soueraigne, heauen witnesse with me, With what bended spirit I haue attainde This height of happinesse: and how vnwillingly, Till heauens decree, Terentias loue, and your Faire consents, did meet in one, to make Me Lord thereof: nor shall it adde one scruple, Of high thought to my lowly minde. Tully is Tully, parentage poore, the best, An Orator, but equall with the least.

Lent.

Oh no doubt Accutus, be the attempt, My perill, his royall promise is past In that behalfe: my soueraigne, this Gentlemans Request, takes holde vpon your gatious promise, For the releasement of a prisoner.

Caes.

My promise is irreuocable, take it: but what is hee and the qualitie of his fault?

Acut:

A gentleman, may it please your grace, his fault suspi∣tion, and most likely innocent.

Caes.

He hath freedome, and I prethee let him be brought hither Perhaps in his presence we shall win some smiles, For I haue noted oft in a simple braine (Only striuing to excell it selfe)

Hath corrupted language that hath turnd To pleasant laughter, in iuditious eares; Such may this prooue, for now me thinkes Each minute, wanting sport doth feeme As long and teadious, as a feauer: but who doth knowe The true condition of this Accutus?

Tully:

My Leige, of him something my knowledge, Can discouer, his spirit is free as aire, His temper temperate, if ought's vneeuen, His spleene waies downe lenitie: but how Stird by reproofe, and then hee's bitter, and like His name, Acute, vice to him is a foule eye-sore. And could he stifle it in bitterest words, he would, And who so offends, to him is paralell, He will as soone reprooue the Caedar state, As the lowe shrub.

Enter Acut. and Philant.

Phy.

Nay good Accutus let me not enter the presence:

Accut.

Oh sir, I assure you your presence wil be more accep∣table in the presence at this time, then a farre ritcher present: May it please your maiestie, this is the man.

Caes.

Let him stand forward.

Cit. w.

Alas we shal see nothing, would I were neere now hee stands forwards.

Cittie wife.

What qualities hath he Accutus?

Accut.

Few good ones (may it please you) he handles a comb wel, a brush better, and will drink Downe a Dutchman, & has good skill in pricksong.

Hostis.

I, ile be sworne, he had when he was my Guest,

Acut:

Please it your Maiestie to commaund him?

Caes.

Oh, we can no otherwise so well be pleased.

Phy.

I beseech your Maiestie, I cannot sing.

Tul.

Nay, your denyall will breed but greater expectation of your skill.

Acut.

I, I, please it your grace to heare? now he begins.

Phy.

My loue can sing no other song, but still complaines I did her. &c. I beseech your Maiestie to let me goe.

Caes:

With all our heart, Acutus giue him libertie.

Accut.

Goe, and for voice sake yee shall sing Ballads in the suburbes, and if euer heereafter ye chance to purchase a suite by what your friends shal leaue ye, or the credit of your friend, be not drunk again, & giue him hard words for his labour.

Exit

Caes:

What, ist effected Graccus?

Gra.

I haue wrought the foole, Scilicet comes alone, & his Lady keeps the women company.

Accu.

Tush, weele haue a room scantly furnisht with lights that shall further it.

Caes:

What sound is that?

Acut:

I, would ye so faine enter? ile further it: please it your Maiestie to accept what is not worth acceptance? heere are a company to Gratulate these nuptials, haue prepard a show, I feare not worth the sight, if you shall deeme to giue them the beholding of it.

Caes.

Else should we wrong their kindnes much: Accutus, be it your care to giue them kindest welcome, we cannot recom∣pence their loues without much beholdings.

Acut.

Now for the cunning vizarding of them, & tis done.

Hostis:

Now we shall beholde the showes.

Get

Acteon and his Dogs I pray Iupiter.

Enter the maske and the Song, Chaunt birds in euerie bush The Blackbird and the Thrush The chirping Nightingale. The Mauis and Wagtaile, The Linnet and the Larke Oh how they begin, harke, harke!

Scil:

Sli'd there's one bird I doe not like her voice.

Sing againe & Exeunt.

Hostis.

By my troth me thought one should be my husband, I could euen discerne his voice thorough his vizard.

Cittie wife:

And truely by his head one should be mine.

Get:

And surely by his eares one should be my sweet heart.

Caes.

Accutus, you haue deserued much of our loue, But might we not breake the law of sport so farre, As to know to whome our thankes is due, By seeing them vnmaskt, and the reason of their habits?

Acut:

Most willingly my Soueraigne, ile cause their returne.

Hostis.

Oh excellent! now we shal see them vnmaskt.

Exit

Get.

In troth I had good hope the formost had bene Acteon when I saw his hornes.

Cit. wif.

Sure the middlemost was my husband, see if he haue not a wen in his fore-head.

Enter Maskers

Host:

God blesse thee noble Caesar, & all these braue bride∣groomes with their fine little dy-doppers, that looke before they sleep to throw away their maiden heads: I am host of the Hobbie, Cornut is my neighbour, but wele pull of his bopee∣per, thou't know me by my nose, I am a mad merie grig, come to make thy grace laugh, sir Scillicet my guest, all true canaries that loue iuce of grapes, god blesse thy Maiestie.

Acut.

How now mine Host?

Host.

Ha, ha, I spie a iest, ha ha, Cornutus, Cornutus.

Acut.

Nay mine host, heeres a moate in your eye to.

Scil:

Sl'id I hope they haue not seru'd me so: by the torrid y'are an asse, a flat Asse, but the best is I know who did it, t'was ei∣ther you or some body else, for I was in no company of man∣kinde else, by gad I remember it as wel as if it were done now.

Host:

Tou shalt answere it to my leige, ile not be so misused, ye haue a wrong element, there's fire in my face, weele moūt and ascend.

I'me misusd the mad comrades haue plaide the knaues, Iustice my braue Caesar.

Accut.

Ile answere ye mine Host: pardon greate Caesar, The intent was merriment, the reason this: A true brow bends, to see good things amisse, Men turnd to beasts, and such are you mine Host See you this, this represents a beast, That cannot see his shame, & such are you mine Host. Ile show you else, you are a Goate, looke heere! Now come you, this is your's, you know it, doe you not? How old are you? are you not a Goate now? Shall I teach thee how to vse a wife and keepe her? In the ranke of goodnes linke her to thy soule, Deuide not indiuidium, be her and shee thee, Keepe her from the Serpent, let her not Gad To euerie Gossips congregation, For there is blushing modestie laide out, And a free reyne to sensual turpitude, Giuen out at length and lybidinous acts, Free chat, each giuing counsell and sensure.

Capream maritum facere, such art thou Goate, Be not so secure: and you my graund Cornutus, Thou Ram, thou seest thy shame a pent-house To thy eye-browes: doost not glorie in it, doost? Thou'lt lye in a Trucklebed, at thy wiues bed feete, And let her goe a Gossiping while thou sweepest the ktchin, Look, she shall witnesses against thee.

Corn:

My wife there? I must be gone then.

Acut.

Oh fie, betray not thy selfe so grossely.

Cor.

I Pray ye pardon me.

Accut:

I dare not.

Cor:

I sir, but afterward may come after claps, I know the world well enough.

Accut.

Mischiefe of the Deuill, be man not all beast, doe not lye, —both sheetes doe not.

Cit. w:

I warrant this fellow has as many eies as a Lamprey, hee could neuer see so farre into the world else.

Accu.

And thou pure asse, meere asse, thy eares become thee well yfaith

Scil.

I think you ment to make a Musition of me, you fur∣nish me with a good eare.

Accut.

Thou deserudst it, thou't make thy selfe a Cucckold be it but for company sake, thou hast long eares, and thinkest them hornes, thy conceites cuckolds thee, thou art iealious if thou seest thy wiues — With another mans palme.

And foole, thy state in that sence is the best: thou art claspt with simplicitie, (a great badge of honestie) for she poore foole has paund her cloathes to redeeme thy vnthriftines: be Iealious no more, vnlesse thoult weare thine eares still, for all shall be well and you shall haue your puppie againe.

Get.

Shall I? by my troth I shall be beholding to you then.

Acu:

Now to ye all, be firmaments to stars, Be stars to Firmaments, and as you are Splendent, so be fixed, not wandring, nor Irregular, both keeping course together, Shine not in pride, and gorgeous attire, When clouds doe faile, the pole where thou art fixt. Obey, cherish, honor, be kinde enough, But let them weare no changeable stuffe, Keepe them, as shall become your state,

Comely, and to creepe ere they goe. Let them partake your ioyes, and weep with you, Curle not the snarles that dwel vpon these browes, In all things be you kinde of all enough, But let them weare no changeable stuffe.

Host:

Fore God a mad spirit.

Hostis

Will ye beleeue, what such a bisket brain'd fellow as this saies? he has a mouth like a double cannon, the report will be heard all ore the towne.

Cittie wife:

I warrant he ranne mad for loue, because no good face could endure the sight of him, and euer since he railes a∣gainst women like a whot shot.

Len.

Nay, nay, we must haue all friendes. Iarring discords are no marriage musick, Throw not Hymen in a cuckstoole, dimple Your furrowed browes, since all but mirth was ment, Let vs not then conclude in discontent. Say, shall we all in friendly straine Measure our paces to bed-ward?

Tul.

Will Terentia follow?

Teren:

If Tully be her Leader.

Host:

Good bloods, good spirits, let me answere for all, none speake but mine Host, hee has his pols and his aedypols, his times and his tricks, his quirkes and his quilits, and his demise and dementions, God blesse thee Noble Caesar, and all these braue spirits, I am Host of the Hobby, Cornutus is my neigh∣bour: Graccus a mad spirit, Accutus is my friend, Sir Scillicet is my guest, al mad comrades of the true seed of troy, that loue iuice of Grapes: we are all true friends, merrie harts liue long, let the Pipers strike vp ile daunce my cinquepace, cut a loft my braue capers, whirle about my toe, doe my tricks aboue groūd, ile kisse my sweet hostesse, make a curtesie to thy grace, God blesse thy Maiestie, and the Mouse shall be dun.

Cor:

Come wife, will you dance?

Wife:

Ile not daunce I, must you come to the Court to haue hornes set on your head? I could haue done that at home.

Host:

I, I, be rulde at this time, what, for one merrie day wele finde a whole moone at mid-sommer.

Daunce.

Caes.

Gentles, wee thanke yee all, the night hath spent his youth, and drowsie Morpheus bids vs battell,

We will defie him still, weele keepe him out While we haue power to doe it, sound your lowdest noise, Set forward to our chamber.

Gra.

Aduance your light.

Caes.

Good rest to all.

Omn.

God giue your grace God night.

Exeunt

FINIS