The wives excuse, or, Cuckolds make themselves a comedy, as it is acted at the Theatre-Royal by Their Majesties servants / written by Tho. Southern.

THE Wives EXCUSE, OR, Cuckolds Make themselves. (Book 1)

ACT I. SCENE I.

The outward Room to the Musick-Meeting.

Several Footmen at Hazard, Some rising from Play.

1 Foot.

APox on these Musick Meetings; there's no Fifth Act Here, a free cost, as we have at the Play-Houses, To make Gentlemen of us, and keep us out of Harms way: Nothing but Lice, and Link-Boys, In this Anti-Chamber; or a merry Main to divert us; And that merry Main, as you call it, makes most of us Sad all the Week after.

2 Foot.

Why, what hast thou done, Gill?

1 Foot.

Undone my self, and a very good Friend of mine, my Belly, For a Week forward: I am hungry already in the apprehension Of wanting a Supper; for my Board-Wages Is gone to the Devil with his Bones.

3 Foot.

Six is the Main, Gentlemen.

4 Foot.

That was my last Tester.

5 Foot.

I'll play no more—

Both rising from Play.

3 Foot.

Set out my hand, don't leave me so, Gentlemen.

6 Foot.

Come, Sir, Seven to Six, I set you—

3 Foot.

Briskly my Boy.

6 Foot.

I Set you this.

3 Foot.

How much?

6 Foot.

Three halfperth of Farthings.

3 Foot.

Three halfperth of Farthings?

[Rises from Play]

I see thou retain'st the Spirit of thy Ancestors, and as thou wert born, and bred, w••lt live rnd dye a Footman.

Three halfpenny worth of Farthings!

〈◊〉〈◊〉

He ••••••s like a Small beer Butler, in a Widdow-Lady's Family.

〈◊〉〈◊〉

May'st thou starve under the tyranny of a House-keeper, And never know the comfort of Board-wages again.

〈◊〉〈◊〉.

Well, well, I have my Money for all that.

1 Foot.

Why, what a Pretty Fellow have we here debauch'd from us, And our Society, by living in a Civil Family! But this comes Of keeping good hours, and living orderly: Idleness After Supper, in your private houses, is the Mother Of many mischiefs among the Maids.

3 Foot.

Ay, ay, want of Employment has thrown him upon some Gentle Chamber-maid, and now he sets up for good husbandry, To Father her Failings, and get a Wet-Nurse for his Lady.

6 Foot.

Better so, than to Father your Master's Bastards, as you do Sometimes; or now and then cheat him of his Wench, In the Convey, and steal his Clap from him.

4 Foot.

Gad I mercy i'faith, Lad.

3 Foot.

That indeed is a Sin I often commit, and sometimes repent of: But, the good with the bad, I have no reason To complain of my Service.

6. Foot.

Pray don't trouble your head about mine then.

2 Foot.

Come, come, we have all good Places if we can keep 'em: And for my part, I am too deep in my Master's affairs, to fear The losing of mine: What think you of the Family of the Friendals, My Lads? a publick private Family, newly set up, And of very fair Reception.

3 Foot.

Ay, Dick. Thou hast the time on't indeed.

2 Foot.

The Master of it frank and free, to make an Invitation to the whole Town; and the Mistress hospitable, and handsome,

To give 'em wellcome, and content: For my Master knows Every body, and contrives that every body shall know her.

3 Foot.

Ay, marry Sir, there's a Family to breed up a Pimp in! You may make a Fortune out of such a Mistress, Before your Master can get her with Child.

2 Foot.

My Master has been married not a quarter of a year, And half the young men in Town, know his Wife already; Nay, know that he has known enough of her, Not to care for her already.

3 Foot.

And that may be a very good argument for some of 'em, To perswade her to know a little of some body else, And care as little for him.

4 Foot.

A very good argument, if she takes it by the right handle

2 Foot.

Some of your Masters, I warrant you Will put it into her hand.

3 Foot.

I know my Master has a design upon her.

2 Foot.

And upon all the Women in Town.

4 Foot.

Mine is in love with her.

5 Foot.

And mine has hopes of her.

3. Foot.

Every man has hopes of a new marry'd Woman For she marries to like her Man; and if upon Tryal She finds she can't like her Husband; she'll find some body else That she can like, in a very little time, I warrant her, Or change her Men 'till she does.

2 Foot.

Let her like as many as she pleases, and wellcome: As they thrive with her, I shall thrive by them: I grind by her Mill, and some of 'em I hope will set it a going. Besides, she has discover'd some of my Master's Intrigues of late. That may help to fill the Sails; but I say nothing, I will take Fees a both sides, and betray neither.

3 Foot.

If your Lady loves play, as they say she does, she will be So far in your interest, that he that makes his Court to her, Must have money to recommend him—

2 Foot.

To me he must indeed, if he expects my assistance

5 Foot.

Come, come, what do you think of my Master, Mr. Lovemore, for the Lady?

3 Foot.

I don't think of him.

2 Foot.

Not so much as she does, I believe you; he's a generous Gentleman, And deserves very well of her, and me.

1 Foot.

My Master, Mr. Wellvile is often at your House.

3 Foot.

He follows Mrs. Sightly, I can tell you. But if your Lady, Mrs. Friendall, has a mind to be very well us'd; Not to settle to't; but only by the way of a fashionable revenge, Or so, to do her self justice upon her Husband; I look upon Mr. Wilding, My Master, one or other, to be the cleverest Cuckold-Maker In Covent-Garden.

2 Foot.

Not to settle to't indeed, for your Master is not over constant.

3 Foot.

He does not stay in a Family, to be challeng'd into Westminster Hall, By the Husband's Action of battery, for an assault upon his Wife; He is not so constant.

4 Foot.

Or if your Lady be dispos'd to the more refin'd part of an Amour, Without the brutality, or design of enjoyment, Only for the pleasure of being talkt of, or so forth—

3 Foot.

Your Master Courtall will fit her to a hair: For he will be as fond of the appearances of an Entrigue, As she can be; to see him in the chase, you wou'd think He had pleasure in the Sport; for he will be as sure Always to follow her, as never to press her: He will take as much pains, to put her undeservedly Into a Lampoon, upon his account, as he would, to avoid A handsome occasion, in private, to qualifie her for the scandal.

2 Foot.

In short, Mr. Courtall will do every thing, But what he ought to do, with a Woman.

4 Foot.

He has broke off with three Gentlewomen, upon my word, Within these two Months, for coming on too fast upon that business.

2 Foot.

Well, there are pretenders enow; so I have the profit, Let my Lady take the pleasure of the choice: I'm for the Fairest Bidder.

3 Foot.

What, Harry, hast thou nothing to say of thy Mistress, Mrs. Witwoud?

7 Foot.

Nothing extraordinary, but that I 'mtir'd of her.

3 Foot.

She lives, as she us'd to do, least at home; has no Business Of her own, but a great deal of other Peoples.

All the Men in Town follow her, but 'tis for other Women; For she has frightned every one from a Design upon her: Then she's a general Confidant; and sometimes reports No more than she knows; but that's a favour indeed, From a Wit, as they say she is.

7 Foot.

If she be a Wit, I'll be sworn, she does not take me for one; For she sends me very often upon very ridiculous Errands.

3 Foot.

I think you have a correspondent Porter, in every quarter Of the Town, to disperce her scandalous Letters, which she is Always bantering one Fool or other withall?

7 Foot.

Four or Five always in pay with her.

3 Foot.

But when Horn-Fair comes, that's sure to be a Holy Day, And every marry'd Man, that has a Wife handsomer than she is, At her proper cost and charges, may expect a Fairing, To put him in mind of his fortune.

7 Foot.

I find you know her too well, to desire to live with her.

3 Foot.

I had rather be Master of the Ceremonies to a Visiting Lady, To Squire about her how-d's-you, and Usher in the formal Salutations Of all the Fops in Town, upon her day; Nay, tho' she kept two days a week, than live in a Family with her.

1 Foot.

Will this damn'd Musick-Meeting never be done? Wou'd the Cats-guts were in the Fidlers Bellies.

Two Pages meeting.

1 Page.

My Lady Smirkit's Page.

2 Page.

Who's there? my Lady Woudmore!

1. Page.

At your dear Service, Madam.

2. Page.

O Lord! Madam, I am surpriz'd to see your Ladyship here.—

2. Foot.

What have we here?

3. Foot.

The Monkies Apeing their Ladies, let 'em go on.

2. Page.

How can your Ladyship descend into these little Diversions Of the Town, the Plays and the Musick-meetings?

1. Page.

Little Diversions indeed, Madam, to us, who have seen So much better abroad, and still retain too much of the Delicacy of the French, to be pleas'd with the Barbarous Performances of these English.

3. Foot.

That's a touch for some of 'em.

1. Page.

Yet there's no staying always at home, your Ladyship knows.—

2. Page.

Nor being always seen in the Drawing-room, I vow, and swear:—

1. Page.

So that, Madam, we are almost under a necessity Of appearing in these publick places.—

2. Page.

An absolute necessity of shewing our selves sometimes.

1. Page.

Ay, but, Madam, then the men, they do so Ogle one.—

3. Foot.

Ah! very well, Mr. Charles.

1. Page.

Into all the little Confusions, That a Woman is liable to upon those occasions.

2. Page.

I swear my Lord Simperwel has an irrisistible way with him.

1. Page.

He ogl'd me all the Musick long, I believe every body Took notice of it, so suriously, I could not bear it my self: I vow and swear, he almost made me blush;

And I wou'd rather do any thing to deserve blushing, in another place, than by a Country modesty betray such an unpardonable want of breeding, to the censure of so much good Company.

3 Foot.

I dare swear for her Ladyship, She had rather do it than blush for't.

1 Page.

Why how now, Jack Sauce?

[to the Footman.]

But did I blush, Madam?

[To the Page.]

2 Page.

Only for your Friends, Madam, to see us so neglected.

1 Page.

Fye, fye, Madam, you made your Conquest too. I minded no body but my Lord; and I vow and swear,

I must own it, Madam, he ogles one more like a Man of Quality, than a∣ny body about Town, that I know of, and I think I am pretty well acquainted with all the soft looks in Town.

2 Page.

One after another we have 'em all—but Jesu, Madam—

1 Page.

Ay, Madam.

2 Page.

They say the French Fleet will be here next Summer, With their Tourviles, and their things, And, Jesu, Madam, Ravish us all.

1 Page.

O Lord, Madam, Ravishing us is nothing, But our dear Religion, Madam, what will they do to that?

2 Page.

Ay, what indeed, Madam?

1 Page.

I wou'd not lose the gaping Galleries of our Churches, for the best Religion in Christendom.

3. Foot.

You are pretious Pages indeed, Betray your Ladies secrets, before you come in to 'em.

Within.

Make way for my Lord there, bear back Gentlemen.

1 Foot.

So, so, 'tis done at last, Let's get the Coaches to the door.

[Exeunt Omnes.]

The Curtain drawn up, shews the Company at the Musick-Meeting; after an Ita∣lian Song, Lovemore, Wellvile, Wilding, Courtall, Springame, Friend∣all, Raffle, Mrs. Friendall, Sightly, Wittwoud, Fanny advance to the Front of the Stage.

Mr. Fr.

Ladies and Gentlemen, how did you like the Musick?

Sight.

O very fine sure, Sir.

Witt.

What say you to't, young Gentlemen?

Spring.

I have something to say to you, I like a great deal better, Provided you won't laugh at me.

[Going aside with her.]

But the Musick's extreamly sine—

[To the Company.]

Well.

Especially the Vocal part. For I did not understand a word on't.

Mr. Fr.

Nor I, faith, Wellvile, out the words were Italian. They sung well, and that's enough for the pleasure of the Ear.

Court.

By which I find your sense is sound.

Mr. Fr.

And sound sense is a very good thing, Courtall—

[Goes to Wild.]

Well.

That thou wot never be the better for.

Mr. Fr.

Wilding, thou hast been so busie about that

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Young Girl there, thou know'st nothing of the matter.

Wild.

O, Sir, you're mistaken, I am a great Admirer—

Mr. Fr.

Of every thing in Petticoats.

Wild.

Of these Musical Entertainments; I am very Musical, and love a∣ny call, that brings the Women together.

Court.

Tho' it were a Cat-call.

Mr. Fr.

Vocal, or Instrumental! which do you most approve of?

If you are for the Instrumental, there were the Sonata's to night, and the Chacons, which you know—

Wild.

The Sonata's and the Chacons which I know!

Not I, Sir, I don't know 'em: they may be two Italian Fidlrs of your ac∣quaintance, for any thing I know of 'em.

Mr. Fr.

Fye, fye, Fidlers! Masters, if you please, Wilding, Masters, ex∣cellent in their Art, and Famous for many admirable Compositions.

[mingles with the Company.]

Court.

So, he's fast in his own snare, with his Sonata's, And Chacons: But how goes the World, Wilding?

Wild.

The same Women every day, and in every publick appearance.

Court.

Here are some faces, I see, of your acquaintance.

Wild.

Ay, Pox take 'em, I see 'em too often to forget 'em: Wou'd their Owners thought as ill of 'em as I do,

They would keep 'em at home: but they are for shewing their Show still, tho' no body cares for the sight.

[They mix with the Company.]

Witt.

Methinks 'tis but good manners in Mr. Lovemore, To be particular to your Sister, when her Husband Is so Universal to the Company.

Spring.

Prithee leave her to her Husband:

She has satisfied her Relations enough in marrying this Coxcomb; now let her satisfie her self, if she pleases, with any body she likes better.

Witt.

Fye, fye, there's no talking to you, You carry my meaning further than I design'd.

Spring.

Faith I took it up but where you left it, Very near the matter.

Spring.

No, no, you grow scandalous; and I would not Be thought to say a scandalous thing of a Friend.

Spring.

Since my Brother in Law is to be a Cuckold, As it must be mightily my Sister's fault, if he be not, I think Lovemore as proper a Fellow to carry on So charitable a work, as she cou'd ha' lit upon: And if he has her consent to the business, She has mine, I assure you.

Witt.

A very reasonable Brother!

Spring.

Wou'd you would be as reasonable a Friend, And allow me as many Liberties as I do her.

Witt.

Why, so I will: she has the Men, and you shall have the Women, The whole Sex to pick and chuse—

Spring.

One Mistress out of—

Witt.

As many as you please, and as often as you have occasion.

Spring.

Why, faith, that pleases me very well; you hit My constitution, as if you were familiar with it, Or had a mind to be so.

Witt.

Not I indeed, Sir.

Spring.

And I have, as you were saying—

Witt.

As I was saying!

Spring.

Very often an occasion for a Mistress.

Witt.

You say so your self, I know nothing of your occasions.

Spring.

Shall I bring you acquainted with some of 'em? I have great variety, and have, every day, a new occasion

For a new Mistress: If you have a mind to be satisfied in this point, let me go along with you—

Witt.

Home with me?

Spring.

Or home with me, will do my business as well.

Wit.

But it won't do mine, Sir.

Spring.

Then let it be home with you, Tho' my Lodging is very convenient.

Witt.

Why, this is suddain indeed, upon so small an acquaintance: But 'tis something too soon for you, And a little too late for me.

Spring.

Not to repent, I hope, Madam? better late than never, You know: Come, come, I have known A worse offer better received.

Witt.

And this offer you will make to every Woman, Till it be received, I dare answer for you.

Spring.

That's more than you can do for your self for refusing it.

But the folly fall upon your o••n head: I have done my part, and 'tis your fault if you're idle—

[Goes away.]

Sight.

You have been entertain'd, Cozen—

[Sightly to her.]

Witt.

By a very pretty prating Fellow, Cozen;

And I could be contented to let him show his parts this way, as often as he pleas'd.

Sight.

What! like a man of Honour, he's for making good What he says—

Witt.

And comes so quick upon that business, he won't afford A Woman a reasonable liking-time, to make a decent Excuse to her self, if she shou'd allowd 〈◊〉〈◊〉 a favour.

Sight.

The young Officer has heard enough of your Character, I suppose, not to put it too much into your power Of laughing at him.

Witt.

I'm sorry fort: I would have a man know just enough Of me, to make him a Lover; and then, in a little time, I should know enough of him, to make him an Ass.

Sight.

This will come home to you one day.

Witt.

In any shape but a Husband, Cozen.

observing Lovemore with Mrs. Friendall.

But methinks Lovemore, and Mrs. Friendall Are very seriously engag'd—

Sight.

I have had an Eye upon 'em.

Wit.

For such a trisle as Cuckolding a Husband is in this Town.

Sight.

The men will always design upon our Sex; But I dare answer for her.—

Wit.

And so will I. That if she should fall from the frailty of the Flesh, in∣to that folly, she will appear no Monster,

What ever her Husband may be. What say you to a ramble after the Musick?

Sight.

I say nothing to't.

Wit.

A Hackney jaunt, from one end of the Town to t'other?

Sight.

'Tis too late.

Wit.

I know two several Companies gone into the City, One to Pontacks, and t'other to the Rummer, to Supper: I want to disturb, strangely; what say you, Coz? Let's put on our Masques, draw up the Glasses, And send up for the Men, to make their Women uneasse: There's one of 'em to be marry'd, it may do good upon her, By shewing what she must trust to, if she will have a Husband.

Sight.

And can you be so mischievous?

Wit.

Can you resist the Temptation?

Sight.

I came with Mrs. Friendal, and must go home with her. Look to your charge there.

Wit.

I have an Eye that way.

Sight.

We shall see you to morrow, Cousin?

Wit.

At your Toylet, Cousin; you are always My first Visit.

[Goes to Wilding and Fanny.

Mrs. Fr.

Is this your Friendship to Mr. Friendal? I must not hear it.

Love.

You see he g••••es you leave.

Mrs. Fr.

Therefore I can't take it; the Confidence is so generous, That ev'n that wou'd secure me to him.

Love.

The Confidence is as generous on your side; And do you think that will secure him to you?

Mrs. Fr.

I'll ask him, if you please.

Love.

You'll but disturb him.

Mrs. Fr.

Mr. Friendal.

[Calling him.

Mr. Fr.

Ha! what's the matter, Madam?

Mrs. Fr.

There has happened her 〈◊〉〈◊〉 scurvy Dispute between me And one of your Friends, Sir, as you think fit to call 'em.

Mr. Fr.

A Dispute! about what, prithee? but before I hear A word on't, Lovemore, thou art certainly in the wrong, In holding an Argument with a Woman.

Love.

I begin to think so too, Sir, for contending with a Lady, That will be try'd by no body, but her Husband.

Mr. Fr.

But what's the business? Nothing extraordinary between you, I hope?

Mrs. Fr.

Believe me, Sir, I think it very extraordinary.—

Lov.

Very extraordinary indeed, Madam, to be so publickly

Expos'd for a private Opinion.

Mrs. Fr.

And you shall be the judge of the difference.

Mr. Fr.

No, no, no difference among Friends, it must not come to that, I'le make up all differences between you.

Love.

You may do much indeed to set all straight.

Mr. Fr.

And so I will, i'faith Lovemore, I'le reconcile all I warrant you; but come, what is this mighty matter between you?

Mrs. Fr.

I think it a mighty matter, Mr. Friendall, to be so far Suspected in my Conduct, that any one, under the Title Of your Friend, should dare, in your absense, To be so very Familiar with me—

Mr. Fr.

How, Madam!

Love.

All will out, I see.

[Aside.

Mr. Fr.

In my absence, so very familiar with you.

Mrs. Fr.

As to censure these innocent Liberties that the Women Allow themselves in the Company of their Husbands.

Love.

So, she has sav'd her Credit with me,

Mrs. Friendall joyns Mrs. Sightly, and Witwoud.

And mine with her Husband.

Mr. Fr.

Why, Lovemore, thou art in the wrong of all this;

I desir'd you to sport off a little Gallantry with my Wife, to Entertain and Di∣vert her, from making her observations upon me, and thou dost nothing but play the Critick upon her.

Love.

I find I was mistaken. But how wou'd you have me behave my self?

Mr. Fr.

Why, I wou'd have you very frequent in your Visits, And very obliging to my Wife: Now and then, to carry on Our other Pleasures the better: For an amusement, or so, You may say a Civil thing to her, for every Woman, you know, Loves to have a Civil thing said to her sometimes; But then you must be very cautious in the expression; If she shou'd in the least apprehend that you had a design Upon her, 'twou'd raise the Devil in one part of the Family, And lay him in another, perhaps, where I had a mind to employ him: Therefore I wou'd have you keep in Favour with her—

Love.

I'le do my best, I promise you.

Mr. Fr.

She's inclining, you must know, to speak very well of you; And that she does of very few of the Men, I assure you: She approves of the intimacy and Friendship between us, And of your coming to the House; and that may Stand you instead with the Lady, you wot off—

Love.

I apprehend you—so begging the Ladies Pardon

[To Mrs. Friendal.

With a design of doing something to deserve it.—

Wit.

That will never fail with the Women, Mr. Lovemore.

Love.

I will make an Interest with the Masters, To give you a Song at parting.

[Goes to the Masters.

Sight.

An English Song, good Mr. Lovemore.

Mr. Fr.

O by all means, an English Song.

[Goes the Masters too.

Welvile.

Any Song, which won't oblige a Man.

To tell you, he has seen an Opera at Venice to understand.

Mr. Fr.

Pray, let him sing the Ladies the Song I gave him.

Musick-Master.

Which Song, Sir?

Mr. Fr.

The last.

Musick-Master.

'Tis not set, Sir.

Mr. Fr.

Not set, Sir!

[Turning from him, to the Ladies.

Love.

That's a Fault he'll never forgive you.

Musick-Master.

Why, really, Sir, I would serve any Gentleman to my power; But the Words are so abominably out of the way of Musick, I don't know how to humour 'em: There's no setting 'em, Or singing 'em, to please any body, but himself.

Sight.

O! but we lose by this.

Mr. Fr.

Hang e'm, idle Rascals; they care not what Entertainment We lose, so they have but our Money.

Sight.

Is it your own Song, Mr. Friendall?

Mr. Fr.

I must not rob your Ladyship of your Part in it.

Sight.

My Part in your Song, Sir!

Mr. Fr.

You were the Muse that inspir'd me; I writ it upon your Ladyship.

Sight.

Fye, fye; That Pride wou'd ruin me: But I know you say so to every Woman.

[She turns from him.

Mr. Fr.

I gad, she's i'th' right on't; I have told a Dozen so already at the Musick-meeting, And most of 'em believe me.

Sight.

Does Mr. Friendall often write Songs, Madam?

Mrs. Fr.

He does many things, he shou'd not do, Madam; But I think he loves me, and that excuses him to me: Tho', you may be sure, 'tis with the tenderest Concern for my own Reputation, that I see my Husband daily trifle away his So notoriously, in one Folly or other of the Town.

[Goes to Mr. Friendall.

Witt.

For his own Reputation, it must be; For the World will believe, she turns such a Husband To the right Use, whatever she says to the contrary.

Mrs. Fr.

Mr. Friendall, pray be satisfied with a good Estate; And not imagine, because you have that, you have every thing else. The business of writing Songs should be over with a married Man. And since I can't be suspected to be the Phillis, or Cloris. 'Tis an Affront to me, to have any other Woman thought so.

Mr. Fr.

Indeed, Madam, so far you are right: I never heard of any Man, that writ a Song upon his Wife.

SONG, By Major-General Sackvile.

INgrateful Love! Thus every Hour, To punish me by her Disdain! You tyrannise to show your Power; And She, to triumph in my Pain.

You, who can laugh at Humane Woes, And Victims to her Pride decree, On me, your yielding Slave, impose Your Chains; but leave the Rebel free.

How fatal are your poyson'd Darts! Her conqu'ring Eyes the Trophies boast, Whilst you insnare poor wandring Hearts, That in her Charms and Scorn are lost.

Impious, and Cruel: You deny A Death, to ease me of my Care; Which she delays, to make me try The force of Beauty, and Despair.

Mr. Fr.

Lovemore, We may thank you for this: But when you keep your Promise to me, at Dinner, to Morrow, And you, and you, and all of you, Gentlemen,

[Speaks to all the Men.

I'll do you Reason to the good Company. Some of my Servants there.—

[Goes to the Door.

Court.

Madam, I am very luckily here to offer you my Service.

Mrs. Fr.

No particular Woman must expect it from so general A Follower of the Sex, as Mr. Courtall is.

Court.

A general Follower of the Sex indeed, Madam, In my Care of 'em.

Mrs. Fr.

Besides, 'tis dangerous to be seen with a Man of your Character; For if you don't make it an Intrigue, the Town makes it for you: And that does most of your Business as well.

Court.

There's no knowing a Man by his Character in this Town; The Partiality of Friends, and the Prejudice of Enemies, who divide it, Always make him better or worse than he deserves.

Mrs. Fr.

If you have no regard to my Reputation, pray be tender of your own. 'Tis now-a-days as scandalous in a Man, who wou'd be thought to know The Town (as I know you wou'd) to wait upon a bare Face to her Coach, As it us'd to be to lead out a Vizard-Mask: But the Pit has got the better of the Boxes, With most of you, in that point of Civility; And I don't doubt, but it turns to better Account.

Spring.

Indeed, Sister, it does turn to better Account; And therefore we must provide for our selves.—

Takes Courtall with him. To Mrs. Witwoud.

Why, here's a Woman, Courtall— If she had a Vizard-Mask to encourage me—

[Lovemore goes to Mrs. Friendall.

I cou'd go to the World's end with her: But, as she is, bare-fac'd, and an honest Woman—

Wit.

You'll do a foolish thing, for once; see her to her Coach, I dare say for you, to make her otherwise.

Spring.

Why, if it must be so—

[Addressing to her.

Wild.

You own your Aunt is a-bed; and you see Mrs. Witwoud's

Too busie to mind your going away with me.

Fanny.

I can't to night, but I'll call upon you to morrow morning, As I go to Six a Clock Prayers.

Love.

I hope, Madam, I may without exception wait upon you.

[To Mrs. Friendall.

Welvile.

And, Madam, I have the Title of an old Servant to your Ladyship, To expect that favour from you—

[To Mrs. Sightly.

Sight.

Mr. Friendall, having a handsome Wife in the Company, May be jealous; and you will pardon me, If I am unwilling to give him a suspicion of a Man, Whom I would have every body think as well of, as I do my self.

Mrs. Fr.

Mr. Friendall gives you more opportunities than I can approve of, And I cou'd wish you wou'd not take the advantage of 'em, They'll turn to no account.

[Leads Mrs. Sightly.

Mr. Fr.

Come, Ladys, I am your Man I find—

[Mrs. Friendall following.

Ruffle.

What think you of this occasion?

Love.

You can't have a better; follow him—

[Springam leads Witwoud,

And be famous—

[Wilding leads Fanny out.

Well.

What have you now in hand?

[Raffle after the Company.

Love.

Why all my hopes of the Wife depending upon the Senceless behaviour of the Husband: I have contriv'd, by this Fellow, before her face too, to expose Him, a way, that must ruine him with her for ever; Let's follow, and expect the event—

[Exeunt.

SCENE Changes to the Street.

Several Link-Boys, and Footmen.

Link-boy.

Have a light Gentlemen, have a light, Sir,

[Springam with Witwoud.

Spring.

Light your selves to the Devil.

[Wilding with Fanny, and several others.

2 Link B.

Bless you Master, we can find the way in the dark. Shall I light your Worship there?

Spring.

Then call a Coach, and thy Wit shall be thy reward.

5 Foot.

Mr. Friendall's Coach there—

Mr. Friend. enters, leading Mrs. Sightly with his Wife, Ruffle enters after 'em. Lovemore and Wellvile in the rear.

'Tis at the door, Sir.

Mr. Fr.

I must improve 'every opportunity With your Ladyship, to convince you of the truths I have been telling you to night, and in this Billet, I give it under my Hand how very much I am your Servant—

[Sightly throws it behind her.

Sight.

Fye, fye, before your Wife—

[Ruffle takes it up.

Mrs. Fr.

Sir, that Paper don't belong to you.

Friendall leads Mrs. Sightly off, and returns for his Wife.

Ruffle.

Don't be jealous, Lady, I know no design The Gentlewoman has as yet upon my Person And I'll belong to you, if this Gentleman pleases.

Mr. Fr.

You're pleas'd to be merry, Sir, but no touching her, I beseech you.

Mrs. Fr.

What wou'd the Fellow have?

Ruffl.

Why, I wou'd have this Fellow gone about his business.

Mr. Friend.

My Business lies here at present, Sir.

Raffle.

You lye there, Sir.

Hits Mr. Friendall a box on the ear, and draws, the Women shriek, Mrs. Friendall pretends to hold her Husband, the Company come about 'em.

Mrs. Fr.

Good Mr. Friendall, another time, Consider where you are. You are more a Man of honour, I know, than to draw your Sword Among the Women; I am sorry this has hapned in a place Where you can't right your self, without wronging the Company. But you'll find a time to do a justice to your self, and the Ladies, Who have suffer'd in the apprehension of such a brutality.

Spring.

I'll go along with you—

[All go off but Witwoud.

Wit.

Wou'd the Devil had 'em, for drawing their Swords here; I have lost my little Captain in the fray: My Charge is departed too, and for this night I suppose has left me To make an excuse to the Family, for her lying abroad With a Country Cozen, or so; that Rogue Wilding has carry'd Her home with him, and 'tis as well now, as a week hence, For when these young Wenches once set their hearts upon't, Every thing gives them an opportunity to ruine themselves: Her Aunt Teazall has made her rise to Six a Clock Prayers, to sine Purpose, if this be the fruits of her Devotion: but since she must Fall to some body, I'm glad Wilding has her, for he'll use her ill enough In a little time, to make her wiser for the future, By the dear experience, and vexation of this Intrigue, (Being disappointed of many things she expects) She may make a virtue of necessity, repent because she can't keep him to her self, And make an honest man a very good Wife yet.

[Exit.

Ruffle.

I have done my part, and am satisfied

[Lovemore, Woolvile, Ruffle return.

With the honour of the Atchievement.

Love.

'Tis a reputation clear-gain'd. Since there's no danger of accounting for't.

Ruffle.

So thanking you, for this occasion of shewing my self, I am your humble Servant—

[Exit.

Wellvile.

Who is this Hero, pray?

Love.

Why this is a Spark, that has had the misfortune of being kick'd very lately, and I have helpt him to this occasion of repairing his honour, upon our very good friend, a greater Coward than himself:

He has serv'd my ends, now let him serve the Towns.

Wellv.

But did you observe how the Lady behaved her self In the Quarrel, to conceal her Husband's Cowardise?

Love.

What a handsome excuse she made in his favour, to the Company? When she can never make any for him to her self.

Wellvile.

This matter well manag'd, may turn to account; tho' you must not be seen to expose him, you may take the advantage of his exposing himself.

Love.

And let her say what she can, upon this subject, I believe no Woman can be contented to have her Honour, much longer than her Fortune in the possession of a Man, who has no fund of his own, to answer in security for either.

Thus, who a Married Woman's Love wou'd win, Shou'd with the Husband's failings first begin; Make him but in the fault, and you shall find A Good Excuse will make most Women kind.

[Exeunt.