Plautus's comedies ... made English, with critical remarks upon each play.

ACT IV. (Book 4)

SCENE I.

Enter Mercury at the further End of the Stage, running in great haste.

ROom here! Clear the way! All the World make room! and let not a Soul be so desperately mad as to stop my Journey—

•…•…le addresses himself to the Spectators, and finishes the Prologue.

TRoth, Gentlemen, why shou'dn't my Deityship gi' me the same Priviledge o' threatning the Mob, when they stand i' my way, as the Slaves in Comedies have? Their vast haste is only for a Ves∣sel safely arriv'd, an old Fellow upo' the fret, or so; but I, Jove's Messenger, and sent by his Commands, ha' more reason to call for room, and clear all before me.—My Father he calls, I follow; his Word's my Law, and I obey him with all the Submission of a dutiful Son. I sooth him in his Wenching, encou∣rage him, pimp for him, counsel him, and rejoyce with him; and whene're he receives a Pleasure, it proves ten times as much to me. Do's he long for a Girl? He do's well and wisely to satisfie his long∣ing; a Thing all wise Men ought t' observe, provided it be safe. Now 'tis my Father's Will and Pleasure, t' impose upon Amphitryon: Troth I do't nobly.—

I'll do't immediately, Gentlemen, before your Faces. I'll whip on a Chaplet, pretend to be drunk, and get my self above. From thence I'll send him with a Vengeance, as soon as he approaches, and make him dry drunk, I'll warrant him. Next, Socia must go to Pot; and be condemn'd for what I did. But what's that to me? 'Tis my Bus'ness t' obey my Father's Com∣mands, and observe his Pleasure.—

[Looking about.]

O yonder comes Amphitryon. I shall make admira∣ble Sport with him, if you'll please to favour me with your Silence.—I'll in, and adorn my self like a Drunkard: Then I'll ascend th' House, and from thence do his Bus'ness for him.

Exit Mercury.

SCENE II.

Enter Amphitryon at the further End of the Stage, out of Breath.

I cou'dn't meet wi' Naucrates at his Vessel for my Life, nor at home neither, or so much as a Soul i' the City who had seen him. I've been hunting for him through every Alley, among th' Armorers and Perfu∣mers, at the Change, the Shambles, the Race-Ground, the Markets, th' Apothecaries and Barbers Shops, and at all the Temples in Town. I'm wearied off my Legs, and no Naucrates to be found high nor low.—I'll e'e•…•… go home, and make a further Enquiry o'my Wife, to find out this Person that dishonour'd my Bed i' my Ab∣sence. 'Tis more than Death to me to let the Bus'ness thus hang in suspence.—

[He goes to his door, and tries to open it.]

They've secur'd the Doors; very fine! This is like the rest o' their Tricks; but I'll make 'em hear me.—

[He knocks.]

Open the Door! Soho, within there!—

[Knocks louder.]

No body t' open the door?

SCENE III.

Mercury appears above, crown'd with a Garland, and pretending to be drunk.

Mer.

Who's at the Door?

Amp.

'Tis I.

Mer.

I; what I?

Amp.

I, I tell ye.

[Knocking again.

Mer.

Sure the Devil and his Dam has possest ye, for bouncing at our Doors.

Amp.

How?—

Mer.

So, as to make y' a poor Rogue as long as you've a day to live.

Amp.

Socia!

Mer.

That's my Name indeed; except you think I've lost my Memory.—What's your Bus'ness?

Amp.

Rascal, ha' ye th' Impudence t' enquire after my Bus'ness?

Mer.

Yes marry have I.—Why, you Blockhead, you've almost thrown the Door off the Hinges. D'ye think our Doors are made at the publick Charge?—What makes ye stare so, Bufflehead? What's your Busi∣ness, I say? And who are ye?

Amp.

Varlet, how dare y' ask such a Question? Thou cursed branded Rogue! As I'm a living Soul, I'll drub ye to some tune for all your Sauciness?

Mer.

Certainly you must ha' been a prodigal Dog in your time.

Amp.

Why so, Sirrah?

Mer.

Because i'your old Days you're forc'd to come begging to me for a Beating.

Amp.

Thy Back, Slave, shall soundly pay for all this.

Mer.

Then I shall sacrifice—

Amp.

What?

Mer.

Something to your Worships Pa•…•…e.

Amp.

You, Jail-bird?—If I live and do well, I'll hang y' up by the heels, wi' your Skin stripp'd o'e•…•… your Ears, and make a Sacrifice o' you.—Out o' your Castle, you cursed Rascal.

Mer.

Poor Phantom, dost think to fright me wi' big Words?—But if you don't take ye to your Heels quickly, or offer to knock, or touch the Door with a finger, I'll hit ye such a douce o' the Chaps wi' this Tile, as shall dash out your Teeth and Tongue toge∣ther.

[Holding up a Tile.

Amp

Damn'd Villain, Will ye shut m' out o' m' own House? and keep me from knocking at m' own Door? I'll make the Doors fly presently.

[He bounces at the Door.

Mer.

D'ye persist, Sirrah?

Amp.

Yes, Rogue.

Mer.

Have at your Corps then.

He throws down a Tile upon him.

Amp.

Cursed Slave, throw upo' your Lord and Master? If I do once lay hands on ye, I'll make ye a perpetual Example t' all Rogues.

Mer.

Y' ought to get your Brains clear'd, y' old Fool!

Amp.

Why, Sirrah?

Mer.

For calling me your Servant.

Amp.

What if I do?

Mer.

Then you'd better be hang'd; for I own no Master but Amphitryon.

Amp. aside, looking upon himself.]

Sure I ha'n't lost my Shape? I'm startl'd at Socia's denying me. But I'll try him further.—

[To him.]

Hark ye, tell me, whom do I seem? Is't not plain that I'm Amphitryon?

Mer.

Amphitryon? A Mad-man rather Didn't I tell ye, Old Fool, that your Brains shou'd be clear'd, when y' ask'd others who y'are.—Begone, I advise ye, and make no Disturbance here, for my Lord Amphitryon's just come home from the Campaign, and retir'd with his Lady to Bed.

Amp.

What Lady?

Mer.

Alcmena.

Amp.

But what Man is't?

Mer.

How often must I tell ye?—My Lord Am∣phitryon. Trouble us no further.

Amp.

Who do's he lye with?

Mer.

Have a care your fooling wi' me don't bring an old House upo' your Head.

Amp.

Nay, good Socia, tell me that.

Mer.

Now you're a Peg lower.—With Alemena then.

Amp.

Lye with her?

Mer.

Ay, I think so; and upon her too.

Amp.

I'm a lost Man.

Mer.

What he calls Loss, is clear Gains. For, to let out ones Wife, is as good as farming out a barren piece o' Ground to good Husbandmen.

[Aside.

Amp.

Socia!

Mer.

What a plague mean ye by Socia?

Amp.

Don't ye know me, Slave?

Mer.

Yes, for an impertinent quarrelsome Coxcomb.

Amp.

Still i' that vein?—Am not I thy Master Amphitryon?

Mer.

Some Tom a Bedlam I think, not Amphitryon. How often must I tell ye so? Wou'd ye hea•…•…'t once more? My Master Amphitryon's now at Bed with Alc∣mena.—Stay here any longer, I'll send him out with a Devil t'ye.

Amp.

That I'd fain see.—Pray Heaven my publick Services ben't rewarded wi' loss o' Country, House, Wife, Family, and Shape too.

[Aside.

Mer.

I'll send him t'ye; but i' the mean time retire a while. For I believe the Sacrifice is ready, and they'll to Dinner presently. But if you chance to be imper∣tinent, you'll go nigh to be sacrific'd your self.

[Mercury retires.

SCENE IV.

Amphitryon alone, walking discontentedly about his Door.

Heavens bless me! What strange Madness has seis'd upon our Family? What Prodigies have I seen since this last Journey? Now I'm apt to credit the old Fable as true, that in Arcadia, th' Attick People were transform'd into savage Beasts, so that their Parents and Friends cou'd never know 'em after.—

[He stands in amaze.

SCENE V.

Enter Blepharon and Socia at the further End of the Stage, talking together.

Ble.

—How's this, Socia? 'Tis the strangest Story I ever heard. Did ye meet with another Socia at the Door just o' your own Shape, say ye?

Soc.

Yes.—But hark ye, Sir; since I've spawn'd another Socia, and my Lord another Amphitryon, who knows but you may another Belpharon. Wou'd to Hea∣ven you were but as well convinc'd, at th' Expence of a swell'd Chaps, broken Teeth, and an empty Belly as I am. For t'other I-Socia, that am yonder, swindg'd me, and made a poor Rogue o' me.

Ble.

Prodigious, I swear!—But let's mend our Pace tho', for yonder's his Lordship staying for us; and truly my Stomach begins to wamble.

Amp. to himself.]

—But why do I mention Foreign Prodigies; since we're told stranger Stories of our City's Founder? This mighty Prince, in quest of Europa, slew the dreadful Monster, from whose scatter'd Teeth sprung Arm'd Troops, in order rang'd, where Brothers baited Brothers to Death. After all, Epirus saw the same great Person and his Wife, crawl about in Serpents

Shapes. All this was great Iove's Will, and the Decree of Fate. The best of our Family have had their noble Exploits rewarded with dire Misfortunes. 'Tis my De∣stiny, and I must sustain these Shocks o' Misery, and take off these unsufferable Potions.—

Soc.

Mr. Blepharon!

[Fearfully.

Ble.

What?

Soc.

My Mind misgives me plaguely.

Ble.

Why.

Soc.

Look ye; yonder he walks before his Door, waiting like a Parasite to bid his Lordship Good morrow.

Ble.

'Tis only to catch himself a Stomach.

Soc.

Very ingeniously contriv'd: So he has secur'd his Doors for fear it shou'd come too soon.

Ble.

You're i' the jeering Vein.

Soc.

Nor yet i' the snarling.—Observe a little, if you please.—He's talking to himself, if I knew what 'tis; and I believe he's hammering at some plaguy Busi∣ness.—I'll listen to his Discourse.—Stand still a while.

Amp. to himself.]

—O how I fear that the Gods shou'd bereave me o' th' Honour o' this Victory. I find my whole Family possest with strange Extravagancies. Then my Wifes Disloyalty and Infamy goes to the heart o' me. But the Cup quite startles me; for 'twas as well Seal'd as possible.—How can it be? My Wife relates all the Particulars o' the Battel, particularly that Ptere∣las was slain by m' own Hands.—Ho, ho, I've found out the Trick at last. This was all Socia's Roguery, who but just now had th' Impudence to shut m' out o' my own House;—

Soc. overhearing.]

So, my Name's brought up, but with a plaguy harsh Sound.—Pray let's keep off a little while, till his whole Passion be discharg'd.

Ble.

How you will for that.

Amp. to himself.]

—But cou'd I but lay hands o' that Rascal, I'd teach him to deceive, abuse, and he∣ctor his own Master.

[Very angrily.

Soc.

D'ye hear him, Sir?

Ble.

Yes.

Soc.

The Storm is just breaking upo' my Shoulders.—We must go up to him; for you know th' old Saying—

Ble.

I know nothing o' your Sayings; but I've a nigh guessing at your Sufferings.

Soc.

'Tis an old Proverb, That an empty Belly and a slack Guest, makes one as mad as the Devil.

Ble.

Very true, we'll meet him immediately.—My Lord Amphitryon!

Amp.

'Tis Blepharon's Voice. I wonder what's his Business wi' me. However, he comes very luckily to be a Witness o' my Wifes Baseness.—

[Here they meet and joyn Discourse.]

How now, Blepharon; what ha' you to say to me?

Ble.

Has your Honour forgot you sent Socia t' our Vessel this Morning t'invite me to Dinner?

Amp.

I ne're so much as thought of't.—But where's that Villain?

Ble.

Who?

Amp.

Socia.

Ble.

There he is.

[Pointing to him.

Amp.

Where?

Ble.

Just before ye.—Don't ye see him?

Amp.

Passion blinds me, and this Rascal has distra∣cted me.—I'll sacrifice ye, you Dog; you mustn't think t' escape.—

[Offers at Socia, Blepharon holds him.]

Prithee let me come at him.

Ble.

Hear a little, I beseech ye.

Amp.

Speak, I do hear.—

[He breaks loose, and strikes Socia.]

Take that, Sirrah.

Soc.

Why this Usage, Sir?—Ha'n't I been quick enough?—If I had got Pacolet's Horse, I cou'dn't ha' came sooner.

Ble.

Hold, good Sir; we came as great a Pace as we cou'd.

Amp.

A Hare's or Snails pace, 'tis all one; I'm re∣solv'd

to beat the Rascal as long as he can stand.—Imprimis, for the House-top;—Item, for the Tile;—Item, for shutting me out;—Item, for your mocking me;—Item, for your sawcy Tongue;—

[Beats him at each word.

Ble.

What has he done, Sir?

Amp.

Done, quoth a?—He shut the Door upo' me, and shamefelly abus'd me from the House-top.

Soc.

I, Sir?

Amp.

Yes you, who so insolently threatn'd me if I offer'd to touch the Door.—Dog, d'ye deny't too?

Soc.

Why shou'd n't I? Here's a sufficient Witness to justify't; the same you sent m' in all haste t' invite to Dinner.

Amp.

Who sent ye, Impudence?

Soc.

You, Sir.

Amp.

When, I pray?

Soc.

Just now, very lately, but a moment since; when you and your Lady were reconcil'd within.

Amp.

The Fellow's bedevil'd sure.

Soc.

I defie the Devil and all his Works.—You or∣der'd me to clean all the Vessels, for you had a Sacrifice t' offer: and then you sent me for this Gentleman, to take a Dinner wi' ye.

Amp.

Let me perish, if e'er I set step within Doors, or sent him any where.—Where did ye leave me last, Sirrah?

Soc.

At home wi' your Lady; from whence I hasten'd to the Port, invited him as y' order'd me, and here we are. I ne're had one Glimpse o' ye since then.

Amp.

Impudent Dog, wi' my Wife?—Now you mustn't think t'escape my Hands.

[He offers at him.

Soc. avoiding him.]

Mr. Blepharon!—

Ble.

Good my Lord, spare him for my sake, and hear me.

Amp.

Well, speak your Pleasure.

Ble.

He has been telling o' me wonderful strange Sto∣ries;

and perhaps some Juggler or Sorcerer, has be∣witch'd your Family. Y' had best make a strict En∣quiry into the Business, and not use the poor Fellow like a Dog, before you know a jot o' the matter.

Amp.

Come then, let's enter the House; I must ha' ye for a Witness i' my Wifes Case.

They move towards the Door.

SCENE VI.

Enter Jupiter from Amphitryon's House.

Jup. appearing at the Door.]

Who's that made our Doors fly after such a vengenable rate? Who dares cause such a Riot before my House? If I catch him, I'll sacrifice his Soul to the Teleboan Ghosts.—

[He comes forward.]

Nothing goes well wi' me to day. I left Blepharon and Socia, to hunt up my Cozen Naucrates; him I can't find high nor low, and t'other two I've quite lost.—O here they are.—I'll go to 'em to know how Matters stand.

Soc.

O, Mr. Blepharon, that's my Master that comes from the House; 'tis this is the Sorcerer.

Ble.

Bless me! what do I see?—This isn't He, but th' Other. And if this be Amphitryon, troth that can't, unless he be double.

Iup.

Here's Blepharon and Socia together: I'll begin with them first.—

[They meet.]

Are ye come at last, Socia? I begin t' have a Stomach.

Soc. to Belpharon.]

Didn't I tell ye this was the Sorcerer?

Amp.

No, that's he, my Theban Neighbours, that has corrupted my Wife, and heap'd Dishonour upo' my Head.

Soc. to Iupiter.]

My Lord, your Stomach may be empty, but I'm sure I'm come wi' my Belly full o' Cuffs.

Amp.

Still i' that Humour, Rascal.

Soc. to Amphitryon.]

Get ye to the Devil, ye damn'd Sorcerer.

Amp.

Call me Sorcerer, Slave?

[Strikes him.

Iup.

How dare you ha' th' Insolence to beat my Servants?

Amp.

Thine?

Iup.

Yes Mine.

Amp.

You lye, Sir?

Iup.

Go in, Socia, and hasten the Dinner; while I make an Example o' this Fellow.

Soc.

I go, Sir.—

[To himself, going off.]

I fancy th' Enterview between This-Amphitryon and That-Amphitry∣on, will be just as civil as that between I-Socia and Me-Socia. Well, the time they're squabbling abroad, I'll in and ransack the Kitchin, lick all the Platters clean, and suck my sweet Face with all the Liquor I can find.

Exit Socia.

SCENE VII.

Jupiter, Amphitryon, and Blepharon.

Iup.

Dare ye gi' me the Lye?

Amp.

Yes that I dare, thou cursed Corrupter o' my Family.

Iup.

For that Affront, I'll throatle ye.

[Takes him by the Collar.

Amp. striking at him.]

Oh, oh!

Iup.

You shou'd ha' had more Forecast then.

Amp. struggling.]

Help, good Blepharon.

Ble.

They're so alike, I can't tell which side to take; but I'll part the Fray as well as I can.—Pray One-Amphitryon, don't murder Tother Amphitryon.—Good now let go.

Iup.

Call ye him Amphitryon?

Ble.

Why not? He was formerly single, now he's become double. Tho' indeed you're the Man, he's still the Person: therefore pray let go.

Iup. letting go.]

Well then.—But in earnest d'ye take him for Amphitryon?

Ble.

Faith both of ye.

Amp.

Heavens bless me! Where got ye that Shape o' mine?

[Aside.]

But I'll pump him.—Are you Am∣phitryon?

Iup.

Are you he that deny't?

Amp.

I am; since there's ne're another Amphitryon in all Thebes.—

Iup.

But me, I grant ye; and, Blepharon, be you Judge.

Ble.

I'll clear the Business by Tokens, if I can.—Do you answer first then.

[To Amphitryon.

Amp.

With all my heart.

Ble.

What Orders did ye gi' me before the Battel wi' the Taphians?

Amp.

When the Vessel was ready, not to part from the Stern a moment,—

Iup.

—Because if our Army were routed, I might secure m' own Retreat.

Amp.

I order'd ye besides, t' have an Eye to the great Bag o' money I left wi' ye.

Iup.

How much?

Ble.

Hold a little, Sir; that's a Question for me to ask.—Do you know the Sum?

Iup.

Yes, it amounted to fifty Attick Talents.

Ble.

Right to a Farthing.—How many pieces of Gold were there?

[To Amphitryon.

Amp.

Two thousand.

Iup.

And twice as many Brass.

Ble.

You've both nick'd it.—Certainly one o' ye must ha' been enclos'd i' the Bag.

Iup.

But observe Sir; to clear all, this right hand slew Pterelas; I receiv'd his Spoils; his Drinking-Cup I had in a Casket; I gave't my Wife, and this day did I bath with her, sacrifice with her, and lye with her.

Amp.

That Word stabs me. I'm almost distracted: I sleep and dream wi' my Eyes open, and perish wi' my Health and Senses about me.—Certainly I am that Amphitryon, Gorgophon's Grand-child, General o' the Thebans, Creon's Friend, Conqueror of the Teleboans, o' th'

Acarnanians, and Taphians, and by my Courage slew their King. There I made Cephalus Governour, the great D•…•…oneus's Son; and—

Iup.

—There by my Valour, defeated those Ra∣vagers, who had kill'd Electryon, and my Wife's Bro∣thers; wasted Achaia, Etolia, and Phocis; and scour'd th' Ionian, Egean, and Cretian Seas from their Privateers.

Amp.

Bless me! I can't believe my self, he has so hit upon every Punctilio.—What say you, Blepharon?

Ble.

There's one Proof behind; if that be made out, ye must certainly be double.

Iup.

O, you mean the Scar o' my right Arm, caus'd by the Wound Pterelas ga' me.

Ble.

The same.

Amp.

Well thought on.

Iup.

D'ye see?—look here.

[Uncovers his Arm.

Ble.

Uncover both o' ye, that I may see.

Amphitry∣on uncovers.

Iup.

We have; now look.

Ble.

Heavens, what do I see? Both mark'd i' the same Arm, i' the same Place, and exactly with the same Scar, a little reddish just like a late Wound. The Proofs are equal, the Determination unfix'd, and I can go no further.—You two must decide the Bus'ness between both, for my Affairs call me away.—Never did I see such a strange sight i' my born days.

Amp.

Good Blepharon, don't leave me in distress, but be my Counsellor a while.

Ble.

Adieu.—What signifies a Counsellor when he knows not which side to plead of?

Iup.

I'll go in. Alcmena cries out.

Exeunt Blepharon and Jupiter severally.

SCENE VIII.

Amphitryon alone.

Ruin'd for ever! Abandon'd by my Friends and and Counsellors. But by Heaven, this damn'd Impostor

sha'n't abuse me unreveng'd, whoe'er he be. I'll imme∣diately to the King, and acquaint him with the whole Bus'ness. As I hope to live, I'll severely punish this Hellish Sorcerer. who has play'd such villanous Tricks wi' my whole Family.—

[Looking round about him.]

But where is he?—O' my Soul, gone in; and I be∣lieve, to my Wife.—Did Thebes e'er produce a great∣er Wretch?—What Course can I take? All the World deny me, and make a Mock o' me as they please. 'Tis fix'd at last; I'll break in upon 'em, and the first living Creature I meet, whether Maid or Man, Wife or Stallion, nay Father or Grandfather, I'll mur∣der upo' the Spot. Tho' mighty Iove, and all the Gods, shou'd interpose, I'd perfect my Design. Now I'll enter the House.—

He goes to the Door; it thunders; he shakes, and falls into a Swoon.

The End of the Fourth Act.

It Thunders and Lightens between the Acts.