The counterfeit bridegroom, or, The defeated widow a comedy, as it is acted at His Royal Highness the Duke's Theatre.

ACT III. SCENE I.

Mrs. Hadland and her Man—Husband.

Mrs. H.

I Have sent in to the Widow—

Mr. H.

Thou plyest thy business close—the Coast is clear yet—that was a good surprise you put upon Sir Gregory—

Mrs. H.

I found him the sensiblest Fool of the three to whom the Widow was inclin'd; therefore ought to be re∣mov'd— be sure, Husband, to stand Sentinel, and let me have warning when they come, and I'le rout 'em all—

Mr. H.

I'm gone my Witty Sweet—

[Exit.

Enter Servant.

Servant.

My Lady, Sir, begs your pardon for making you wait, and she will be with you so soon as she has dispatcht some of her Tenants come from Kent.

Mrs. H.

Thank you Sir, 'tis fit I should attend her leisure.

[Servant Exit.

Those were my Tenants once, but what relief now; yet e're we part, Widow, I shall have full revenge—Your heart is mine already, and when the whole Cargoe's in my power, I'le hoist my sailes, and with my streams playing in the Aire, make to the blest Harbour of repose—

Enter Mr. Hadland.

Mr. H.

Wife, the pair of Fools are come just now lighted out of the Coach,—

Mrs. H.

Now to your duty—for I shall deal a little rough∣ly with you, but you must not take it ill; for my obedience is in my Pettycoat Pocket, and not about me at present.

Mr. H.

Use me as you please—

Mrs. H.

I hear 'em coming—help me a little—Now step back and be very cere∣monious— Where be those Fellowes, who looks out there? Is there ne're a Rascal

She pulls off Hat, Crevat, Garters, and makes as if dressing her self.

in the way to conduct the Gentlemen in—I find I am like to be finely served among ye, but I shall set a new face on the house e're it be long—how sneakingly do you stand there: but I shall make you flye to receive and execute Commands, before I have done.

[Beats Mr. H.

Enter Noddy.

Nod.

This is most insupportable! what beating your Man! hold Sir, what mean you?—

Noddy goes to keep Mrs. H. from beat∣ing, and she beats him.

Mrs. H.

I begg your pardon—Gentlemen your Servant— Sirrah call your Mistress, tell her I wonder she stayes so long? Gentlemen you must pardon Womens frailties, their decking and trimming themselves, make 'em often commit such rude∣ness.

Nodd.

How's this? nay then we are chous'd—and I have spent both time and money to a fair end—

Star.

What a new Lord in the Widows house?—would I were fairly off; for I'le lay my life he has struck the Widow in a fair Planet—let me see, let me see—Venus in Cauda? then 'tis too true, for that's a damn'd Leacherous ••lanet.

Noddy.

Sir, Your Servant—

[Offers to go.

Mrs. H.

By my faith you shall not stir till you have seen Isbel, make haste and desire your Mistress to come down—

Mrs. H.

She desires to be excus'd, Sir, the Milliner has brought Gloves to show her—

Star.

How plain Isbel? Then I know how the world goes, ay, ay, too true, he has Isbell d her—a Pox on these Wi∣dows, there's no trust in 'em—

Mrs. H.

They are gall'd—the Rogues begin to sneak—

Noddy.

Come, let us steal off, and take no notice of him, for he'l jear us to death should we stay—Love is not by desert, but such fluttering half-witted Hectoring Blades are the only taking men with you buxome Widows—come away.

Mrs. H.

What, Gentlemen are you for the Wine-Cellar?— Sirrah conduct 'em down, by that time you have drank your Mornings draught Isbel will be ready—

Noddy.

Spare your Wine Sir, I beseech you—for since the Widow is dispos'd of—we have no business here.

Gaz.

I'le see the Wine in a Drunkard's shoe first, and drink't after he has brew'd it—Hang her, let her go, she's fitted yfaith; a proud domineering young Coxcomb—he'l quickly rattle her bones, and go to Dice with her Money, or at least pick up some common Orange-wench, set up her Coach, gay Cloaths, teach her to confront his Wife, and laugh Modesty out of Countenance, or I have no skill in Astrology; if he is so sawcy now to call her plain Isbel, she'l be Bitch and Whore be∣fore a Month comes about—

[Noddy and Star Exeunt.

Mr. H.

They have given you the slip—

Mrs. H.

Hang 'em—there are three rubs past—and now for the Widow. Thus like a younger Brother I'le begin my fortune, put on impudence, talk wantonly,—and ruffle her lustily.

Mr. H.

But if she should yield, what then—

Mrs. H.

Well consider'd, to prevent that, you must step in most officiously, and interrupt us—but she's coming—

Mr. H.

Adieu witty Wife, and I le be sure to stand Cen∣tinel.

[Exit.

Enter Widow.

Mrs. H.

My life, my Dear!

[Runs to her and Embraces her.

Widd.

I fear I have tired your patience with my long stay Sir—

Mrs. H.

Who wou'd not be devout, and out-wait patience, when such a Heaven is the reward—but Widow, y'are in∣debted to me—

Widd.

As how, I pray—

Mrs. H.

I love you Widow; nay, laugh not, for I expect return, or look to your self, for I'm resolv'd to sue thee in Cupid's Court, and there I know what decree will pass—

Widd.

But if I would compound, pray Sir, what will satisfie?

Mrs. H.

The endless enjoying thy sweet self, Widow, no∣thing less—

Widd,

So by compounding a small Debt I may run into a greater—

Mrs. H.

Your credit will be the better, there's many a young Blade would give you half the purchase to trust you,— nay, and pay use for it.

Widd.

Some of those roaring Bawdy talking young fellows would be idle, were it for such interest.

Mrs. H.

Then 'tis a match—Come Widow, short service, a kiss and to bed, for I am desperately hungry yfaith—

Widd.

Y'are in great haste, Sir—

Mrs. H.

Troth Widow, I have an excellent stomach— and to provoke thine; know, that my kisses are Virgins, embraces perfect, strength sollid, love constant, but to come to the point, all extasie, rapture!

Wid.

Since you value your self on your honesty, I'le put you to't Sir,—Will you swear you never knew Woman—

Mrs. H.

By all that's good, and by thy sweet self I swear, that never as Man I ever yet knew Woman—but if we do not agree, faith Madam, I expect you keep it secret, for it may spoil my future being; for a sober man is more ridiculous in this Age, then he was priz'd in the last—

Wid.

How his mein and wit surprize me—Well, I find I shall love him; for I am very apt to believe what he says—

Mrs. H.

Are you considering whether you may believe me or not, Madam—then take altogether—for I add further, that you are the first Widow, Maid, or Wife I ever made love to—

Wid.

There's ne'r a Jury of young Women in Town that were to view you, but would be inclined to find you guilty— therefore, Sir, I am apt to believe there is some secret reason, and not Devotion keeps you from it—

Mrs. H.

None by Heav'n—I kept it in reserve for thee—

Wid.

For Me, Sir?—

Mrs. H.

Where can I bestow it better—

[Sings and rumples the Widow.

Wid.

What means this insolence and rudeness, Sir?

Mrs. H.

Fye, Widow, fye, 'tis pleasing violence, that be∣gets delight.

Wid.

I'le call my Servants, Sir,—

Mrs. H.

Do, and I le use thee ten times worse even before witness, and then thou art my own Widow—Come, come, dear, sweet, inticeing Widow, we must withdraw—we must yfaith, now, now, or never Widow.

Enter Mr. Hadland.

Mr. H.

Does your Worship call?

Mrs. H.

Pox on you Dog, are you peeping?

[Throws her Hat at him.

Thanks good Tom, thou camest in the critical Minute

[Aside.

Wid.

But Sir, let us breath a while, what Encouragement have I given you to make you thus confident and forward, Sir?—

Mrs. H.

Love, powerful resistless Love—you see what Mad-men you Women make us—Come, Madam, few words, kind consent and no Ceremonies are most pleasing—

Wid.

Well, I cannot withstand, for I begin to grow as im∣patient as he is, within there who waits?—

[Enter Mr. Hadl.

If Mr. Gazer and Noddy are below, bring 'em up.—

Mrs. H.

I've lost my Widow, I fear, there are but two ways that I know, which leads to a Widows bed; they are, Wealth and Impudence—Now if I have took the wrong, how I shall curse my self; here they are, now love if it be thy will.

[Aside.

Enter Gazer and Noddy.

Wid.

Gentlemen, y'are welcom, I am now fully resolved to choose one of ye here, let me see—but first, Mr. Gazer, you are a judicious Astrological Person, do the Stars smile to day? if not, I will defer my choice.

Gaz.

Let me see—Oh the best time in the world, Ma∣dam; for just now Mars being Lord of the Ascendant, is en∣tering into the house of Venus—about three Minutes three quarters after Eleven this morning—

Wid.

That's well—and Mr. Noddy, your judgment of that person walking there, what think you of him.

Nodd.

What I think?—Why I think he's well made, has a aiery mein, I believe he has a pretty Judgment, for his Trim∣ings and Cloaths are not very contemptible—but I believe he's a Whore-master, for he has notable waggish Eyes.

Wid.

Then bear all witness, this is the Man whom I have chose to be my Husband—and ye will infinitely oblige me if you come to my Wedding, and so your Ser∣vants.

[Exit.]

[Mrs. H. struts and Sings.

Nod. Gaz.

The Devil go with you—

Gaz.

I ne'r suspected my Almanack till now.

Mrs. H.

Now Gentlemen, I can give you a true invitation and welcom, before 'twas but a flourish; but you see Fortune will be the bold Adventurers friend—

Gaz.

That I should over-look this damn'd Eclipse of the

Moon, which was this morning, tho not visible to us; but I wish it may have power here, and by a forked Influence, make him beat her, she Cuckold him, he turn her out of Doors, and with her Estate maintain a Whore—

[To Noddy.

Nod.

Amen say I,—Sir, your Servant, your Servant.

[Gaz. Nod. Exeunt.

Mrs. H.

A fair riddance of a brace of Fools.

Mr. H.

But see your Brother's come—

Mrs. H.

I intend to set his wit to work.

Enter Noble.

Mr. H.

Sir, this is my Master.—

Nob.

You see, Sir, I have obey'd your Summons sent me by your man, and now I wou'd know your pleasure?

Mrs. H.

Thus receive your welcom, Sir,—and now I have a request to you.

Nob.

Name it, Sir, if it consists with honour, and within my power you may conclude it granted Sir—

'Tis for your Sisters sake I make it.

Nob.

You have named the dearest friend I have, and I can deny nothing is desir'd in her Name.

Mrs. H.

'Tis this, that you would honour my Wedding, which is to be to Morrow, with some small entertainments of your wit—and you are void of all Excuses; for I have been an ear witness of your Sisters frequent commendations of your parts.

Nob.

You oblige me with the Injunction; Is it with the Lady of this house you Marry, Sir?—

Mrs. H.

The same—

Nob.

Then I must recall my promise Sir—

Mrs. H.

Your reason,—

Nob.

Her last Husband was an extorting Villain, and has undone our Family, and now enjoys what is mine and my Sisters due.

Mrs. H.

But Sir, for her sake, comply for once—She shall not know who you are, but shall be obliging to you—and your Sister too to my knowledg will give you thanks.

Nob.

You have prevail'd, Sir—

Mrs. H.

Pray Sir, be pleas'd to walk in, that, I may recom∣mend you to my Wife that must be—

Nob.

I wait on you, Sir,—Now if I should in my Sisters absence strike up the Widow—Gad I'le try—and this will be a good opportunity to attempt it.

[Exeunt.

Enter Sanders, Clarina.

Sand.

Madam, I pitty your misfortune, and if there be any thing wherein I can serve you, you may command it.

Cla.

You are all obliging, Sir,—My Husband is now below, trying what he can do with his Mother, who is unexpectedly arrived, after being reported to have been dead two years—

Sand.

That was a contrivance of my Friend Santloe's, occa∣sion'd by your Beauty, which had such an Influence over him, that he ventur'd a Fathers Anger to oblige his Passion—

Enter P. Santlow, Sam.

P. S.

Oh friend, Fortune begins once more to smile upon my Actions, and has favour'd me in this last Enterprize be∣yond my wish—

Sand.

As how—Prithee inform us, that we may partake your joys—

P. S.

Honest Sam.—

Sam.

Who helps a lame Dog o're the Stile as well as the best.

P. S.

Put me upon perswading my Mother to make my Fa∣ther believe, that my dear Wife here is my Sister; but the reason she knows not—

Sam.

And my Mistress, like a kind overjoy'd Mother to see her white Boy, most readily consented,—so that, Madam, if you at last should not be well gifted by Nature, as the rest of Females are, with Dissimulation, all our designs are spoiled, and you must trudg to Antwerp agen; for as sure as death, my old Master will turn ye both out of Doors.—

Cla.

'Tis an hard task for me, however I'le endeavour, what is't I wou'd not undergo, or suffer, for my dear Husband's sake—

P. S.

They are coming—Now Sweet heart carry thy self— bravely now—and let fortune do her worst—for we are for ever happy.

Sam.

I'le withdraw—

[Exit.

Enter Sir O. Santlow, Lady Santlow.

Sir O.

And have I thee in my Arms agen? Look see, I weep for Joy—had I my Daughter too; but the Dutch Merchant told me the thing I have of their bringing over was a Servant in Antwerp, and not my Child—

La. S.

They cannot deceive me, Sir, let me see her, and I shall soon discover their cheat, if it be one—Now heart hold, and let my tongue for once belye thee—

[Aside.

P. S.

Take courage Love—

Cla.

Lass how I tremble!—

Sir O.

See there, Sweet heart, what a piece of flesh they have brought me, that is the creature would be my supposed Daughter; but by Gogmagog, if she is a Cheat, I'le have her stript and whipt through every Parish, and cross the Seas till she arrives to her old Kitchin at Antwerp agen.

La. S.

Bless her Eternal Powers! my life, my comfort, and my nine years grief; but now my joyes, thrice welcom to thy Mothers arms, 'tis she, my Daughter—receive your Child, and thank Heaven for her wonderful restoration—

Sir O.

What, what's this?

P. S.

Kind Mother—I shall love Dissimulation for thy sake, who would not, that heard thee swear, conclude this not Counterfeit.—

[Aside.

Sir O.

My Daughter! it cannot be—no, no, I shall ne'r believe it—

Sam.

Down on your knees—

[Aside to Cla.

La. S.

Rise into my bosom, and receive a Mothers blessing.

Sir O.

Soft Wife, soft, have a care how you place your blessing; for the Dutch Merchant who came over with you, affirmed, he saw her a Servant at an Inn in Antwerp—

La. S.

She was so, Sir,—I often saw her there; but see∣ing she had acquir'd to an honest way of living, I would not disturb her rest by discovering her misfortunes—forgive

me truth, if I abuse thee with a false story, since 'tis to pre∣serve mutual love betwixt an injur'd Father, and beloved Son.

Sir O.

Daughter Clarina! Let me kiss thee wench—This unexpected joy has forc't tears, and my heart's so full with this surprize, I know not what to say—My joys are now com∣pleat, and this days happiness has countervail'd all my past years of sorrow for my long lost dearest Wife, and Daugh∣ter—

Mr. Sanders here, by Gogmagog, the Girl is yours.

Sand.

I'm proud of this mighty present, Sir, and thus I hug it as Misers do their Gold.

P. S.

I hope, Sir, I may be once more credited.

Sir O.

Honest, honest Son, I have wrong'd thy faith; but thou wilt pardon me, I hope; old men are apt to suspect Youth for Wags, that was the reason.

Sam.

Now I may securely venture my head out of my Covert.

[Aside.

Sir O.

Where's Sam: that honest merry fellow? I must have his pardon too.

Sam.

Look you Sir, I am very merciful, good natur'd, and prone to forgive; and to show that I have no malice in my heart, if you have another Wife or Daughter to find, and Money to spend, I shall be very ready to serve you, Sir—

Sir O.

Come hither, Sirrah, let me hugg thee, and take my Curse from your Knave's Shoulders.

Sam.

For Heav'ns sake do, Sir, I feel it on my blade here, your Curse is at least ten Stone weight, and a pound over, Sir.

Sir O.

I'le do thee right Boy, I ne'r knew thee but speak ho∣nest English, marry in Dutch, I found thee a knave lately.

Sam.

That was only to hold you in play, Sir, till further proofs came over.

Sir O.

By Gogmagog, I love a harmless wit with my life— Well, 'tis my Girl, methinks her Eyes, Nose and Mouth strangely resemble her Mothers there—ay, ay, 'tis she, and there's an end; however I'le try further—Wife, Wife, pri∣thee now kiss me, do I say—

[La. S. Kisses him.

Clarina, be obedient, and come and buss your Father—

[Kisses her.

Very good, 'tis so, now I'le swear 'tis she; for they have both the same way of kissing too; now Wife, since I find that my Daughter is my Daughter, I'le prosecute my first intention, and this Gentleman shall have her for his Wife.

Sand.

I am proud of the honour, Sir,—

Sir O.

Observe Wife, observe, he is one that handles his Tongue as well as most men, a very Genteil Person, and as pretty a Spark as e're made love, or kept Miss, I le say that for him—I'le be sworn by his looks no one wou'd take him for an Eunuch—

[Aside.

Sam.

My design succeeds as I cou'd wish—

[Aside.

Sir O.

Nay, I have not forgot my Son too, for I have found a Wife for him, it is the Widow Landwels Neice, the Daugh∣ter of old Morley lately dead, her own fortune, it's true, is none of the greatest; but her Aunt questionless will give her a swingeing Blessing when she dies; it is the same Maid Euge∣nia, that was Nurst with our Clarina; well, it is a pretty crea∣ture by Gogmagog, she's a Nosegay of Beauty and sweet Con∣ditions, how say you to't—Boy—ha?—

P. S.

The Blessing will be greater than I could ever have expected, Sir,—

La. S.

What fortune was this! that I should come so op∣portunely to see my happiness compleated in the Marriage of my two Children.

Sir O.

Well thought on Wife, I had almost forgot, we are invited to the Widows Wedding, with a bold brisk young Spark that has clapt her on board yfaith—Do you and your Daughter put on your Hoods and Scarfs, and we'l expect you below in the Parlor; come, Mr. Sanders, come along with me—

[Exeunt.

Manent Peter Santloe, Clarina, La. Santloe, Sam.

P. S.

Oh Mother, I am so transported with those new Joys, you kindly have created, I know not which way to be∣gin to pay my Duty.

La. S.

But Son, the more I look on her, the more thy Sister runs in my mind.

P. S.

Perhaps she's like her, that will carry on the Cheat the better, Madam.

La. S.

I must examine her—of what Countrey and Pa∣rentage are you?

Cla.

Of England, Madam,—and many are the afflictions I have undergone—so that my Parentage I have forgot—

La. S.

If it will not renew your sorrows, give us a small relation of what has past.

Cla.

So much as my memory will give me leave—for I was not above seven years old when my Mother carried me be∣yond Sea, which was about ten years since, with a design to put me into a Nunnery; but by the way to Antwerp, we met with Robbers, who stript us, convey'd me from my Mother into a Wood; but they having committed several Outrages, were persued by Soldiers, so they left me, and I wandring about, came at last to Antwerp, and was received by the Mi∣stress of an Inn, where I continued a Servant till this Gentle∣man perswaded me to come to England.

La. S.

Oh my blest fortune! my dearest Child, thrice wel∣com to my Arms—

Sam.

S'life if this should prove his Sister now—

[Aside.

P. S.

Look you Mother, my Father's gone—now you may be plain—

La. S.

I am sorry he is—but l'le hast to him to confirm what before I only for your sake averr'd, but did not then know the truth.

P. S.

But I hope you are not in earnest Mother, that it is my Sister.

La. S.

Witness Heav'n it is your Sister—

P. S.

Hold, hold, good Mother—Kill not your Son— Why I am in love with her Mother, and have made her my Wife.

La. S.

But now your love must end as to Marriage, and with a Brothers Eyes you must look upon her—Come Daughter, let us go down to your Father, who shall redouble his joys when he shall know the Truth—

Cla.

Heav'ns! I love him so, I cou'd wish my self any thing but his Sister—farewel for ever Love, since thus I am de∣ceiv'd in my first desires.

[Exeunt.

P. S.

My Sister, that Northern blast has nipt my bloom∣ing joys—must all my Courtship, Expence and Constancy,

ay, Constancy, Sam. be jilted by the resurrection of a long lost Sister.

Sam.

A Pox on her, say I, she was ever a cross Brat when she was young, and now she has liv'd in spight to cross your love.

P. S.

It cannot be my Sister—for I find no alteration in me, I am in good temper, and my mind's not shook at that dreadful name of Sister—therefore I am certain there is some damn'd riddle in't, which we cannot at present ex∣pound.

Sam.

To make us wise enough, Sir, let us to the Widows Wedding, drink briskly, and then with nodding gravity un∣sold this mysterie if it be one.

P. S.

Agreed—

Tho Love was cruel, Fortune has bin kind, Since I, a Sister in a Mistress, find.