Lavv-trickes or, VVho vvould haue thought it As it hath bene diuers times acted by the Children of the Reuels. Written by Iohn Day.

Actus Quartus.

Enter Polymetes Julio, Horatio, Emilia & Pages

Pol.

T Tristella.

Em.

My Lord?

Pol.

Good wine needes no bush, nor a good face

payting thou art fauour of thy selfe, and what thou cost is not vnder a colour.

Em.

I know no other paynter but one, and her name is modestie, and she sometimes throwes a blush into my face to make my pale cheeks red, but els you shall ne∣uer take mee for an Aldermans poast.

Po.

Why an Aldermans poest?

Em.

Marke but where great poasts are newly pain∣ted, you shall see much egresse & regresse in and out, & where you see a face newly okered, tis a signe ther's great traffique, & much stirring to and fro.

Po.

Come sit, sit, nay neerer, neerer, neerer yet.

Em.

Then I shall sit vpon your skirts.

Po.

Iulio and Horatio, what shal's haue to supper? I am now in the spending vayne.

Em.

Then God for mee▪ what make I so neare?

Po.

Good action, you shall not remooue, I learnt that phrase of myne vncle, boy, know what Adam hath bespoken for our palates.

Where there a banquet to be had, More rate and deere, then that Vitellius made: It shoulde be seru'd in, but Horatio, What shal wee eate that's costly, and that's rare?

Ho.

A roated Phoenix were excellent good for that Lady.

Em.

Andf why for that Ladye.

Ho.

Fare ech'd and deere bought, is good for you know hwo.

Em.

For Ladyes.

Ho.

I for Ladyes.

Em.

Then the most cheape stuffe, and next to hand is good for you know who.

Ho.

For knaues.

Em.

I for knaues.

Enter the Page and Adam.

Iu.

Adam what haue you ready.

Ad.

Sir you may haue a Calues head.

Em.

here's a Gentleman hath one in his hat already, no more. Calues head I pray thee.

Po.

Hast any Pheasants or Partriges?

Ad.

No, but if your Lord-shipe will haue a dish of Woodcocks.

Em.

No for God-sake, they are the stalest meate with me of any, for I neuer sit to meate with these gal∣lants, but there's Woodcocks cleane through the table.

Ad.

Then vnlesse you will haue a Dotrell or a Gull.

Em.

A Gull? why which of these Gent. woot thou serue in? do you not heare how Adam flouts you?

Ad.

I meane a Sea-gull bakt.

Em.

I in any case lets haue that, I haue fed my wit on many a land-Gull, once let mee banquet my selfe of a Sea-gull, some Sea Captain, I lay my life that has a desire to sup with mee, but such as thou hast, I prithee be briefe

Po.

Lay the table in the with-drawing roome.

Ad.

I will sir, your honor can haue no Larks Ile as∣sure you.

Poll.

And why?

Ad.

Two Citizens sonnes and a Poet bought vp all ith towne, flung away the bodies onely to haue a pye made of the braines.

Enter Duke Ferneze disguisd.

Emi.

A signe either they lackd braines, or else they did it because they would beare a braine.

Fer.

T was tolde me that the young Lord Polymetes Was entred here.

Po.

He that so tolde thee fellow tolde thee true.

Fer.

I cry your Lordship mercy, let this letter Supply th▪ vn willing office of my tongue, And be the sad reporter of my newes.

Poll.

What ominous news can Polimetes daunt? Haue we not Hyren heere?

Fer.

Ouid not all thy Metam orphosis Can shew such transformation, oh my God! It is not possible, (is this my sonne?) A has mistooke himselfe, my life a has, For the seauen liberall sciences; a reades, The seauen blacke deadly finnes. Must you needes sonne turne ouer these linnen leaues hauing such store of paper? this is miraculous.

Pol.

Newes, newes my hearts will make your iocund soules daunce in your bosomes, now which ioyfull tongue amongst you all cries first God saue the Duke? God saue Duke Polymetes.

Iu.

The newes is not so happy.

Po.

Tush looke here.

Fer.

My Lord I'me sorry for your he auinesse.

Po.

Thou shouldst haue said so to a Porter that's heauy loaden. But come, sit, sit in councell, let's deuize How to spend all this countlesse masse of wealth, My father hath bequeath'd mee at his death, Quite from the popular and vulgar garbe, We will be ode in all things, and retaine No common humor in our large expence.

Fer.

An honorable minde, and were your father A liue to note these hopefull parts in you, How would it moue him and surprize his heart? But now my lord: my message being done, I must returne i'me glad I haue found your sonne.

Po.

For thy good newes take that along with thee, Looke here Tris, would not these

(Exit Duke.

Make notable states-mē? methinks state steals vpō me.

Em.

And I haue knowne some steale state.

Pol.

Then they came neuer trnely by it as I doe, but pergite porro, methinkes I could make an indifferent careles Duke.

Iu.

And I could make a notable Courtier, methinks I am begging alreadie.

Pol.

O myne Vncle would make an Excellent Court spaniell, he would sent out offices & conceald lands, a hundred mile of, and a were my casheere but twentie yeares, I durst change liuings with him.

Emi.

But what employment for Horatio?

Pol.

O, he would make a good grumbling surly po∣litician, thou shalt be my politician.

Ho.

I shall neuer be lou'd.

Iu.

Not lou'd, your reason?

Iul.

I hate the base and rascall multitude, I cannot nod, ride bare-head through the streetes, Nor wreath my body like a Cable Hat-band To euerie Pedler and mechannick Townes-man, I hate the poore, am enuious at the rich, Loue none.

Pol.

Yes, women.

Hor.

Faith after a sort, I loue a good smooth face▪

Em.

Then you loue mine.

Hor.

And fortie more.

Pol.

I muse yoe doe not marrie.

Hor.

I would to night, vpon condition That I might burie her to morrow, God Boy.

Pol.

Fill him some wine.

Ho.

I cannot drinke, god boy.

Po.

It is not poyson'd.

Hor.

Hum, I cannot tell, The Countesse drunke and dide.

Po.

Come, come.

Hor.

Farwell.

Pol.

Still in the b••gs of Melancholly, pax on't, tis staler

then Tobacco, not so much but the singing Cob∣ler is growne melancholly, and correctes shoes in hu∣mour, fie ont, come sit, we must talke about many mat∣ters, Riuo, Ile bee singuler, m•• Royall expence shall run such a circular course that the Rascall spawne of Imitators shall split their wooden braines, and sinke their wealth in the Gulfe of prodigalitie, and yet like a bad Archers shaft, fall fixescore short of their ayme, my expence shall be royall and peculiar.

Em.

Ile fashion you a course.

Po.

Diuinely, come.

Em.

Diuinely indeede, serue God, liue honestly▪ rel∣lish not Atheisme.

Pol.

Thats cleane out of the fashion indeede.

Iul.

Then good.

Pol.

Because out of the fashion, set downe that Adam

Ad.

Tis done▪

Iul.

I hau't my Lord, I haue't yfaith.

Po

Nay quickly, how?

Iul.

Weele keepe no Pages.

Po.

Excellent, that's cleane out of the fashion for Pa∣ges, that's good, that stands, downe with it Adam.

Ad.

Tis done sir.

Iul.

Weele vse no great Horses.

Pol.

How shall we ride then?

Hor.

On Mules and shee Asses.

Em.

Downe with that Adam.

Pol.

But, for my traine, for a Page with Pages,

Em.

Maintaine a hundred Gallants at your heeles, Liue in the Countrie, entertaine agen Into the Court, long-banish'd hospitalitie,

Who since the first great hose with Codpeeces grewe out of fashion neere durst shew his head.

Po.

Another, set it downe, ile spend after fortie po d a day, ile see which of my cheuerill braind immitators dares follow my fashion: sblood I cannot drinke To∣bacco

two daies, but the third the Church wardens & fidemen are at it in the Alehouse in sermon time, I can∣not weare a sute halfe a day but the Tailors Iourny∣man creepes into't: I cannot keepe a block priuate, but euery Citizens sonne thrusts his head into it: I cannot keepe a wench but euery grand-Iurors sonne in the Countre imitates me, I care not if I make it petty trea∣son for any man to kisse vnder ten pound a Kisse.

Ad.

Oh my Lord, twill neuer passe ith the Lower∣house, they will not loose their libertie of kissing.

Hor.

Then keepe a leash of Wenches.

Po.

As common as cracking of nuts, not a seruing∣man, but doth as much.

Iul.

Fore-god I hau't, peculiar I haue't.

Pol.

What ist Iulio?

Iul.

Your honour shall keepe no wenches at all.

Em.

No wenches? what shall become of me then?

Pol.

I must be round with you Tris, you must pack, many women they say are common, and ile entertaine nothing that sauors of Communitie, I wil not diuulge.

Em.

Nay, but hark you my Lord, though you main∣taine me, you doe not lye with me, and I thinke that's the newer fashion.

Pol.

Fore-god the newest of all, for there's not a gallant maintaines his wench but a will lye with her, downe with that Adam.

Ad.

Tis done.

Enter Ioculo the Page.

Ioc.

My Lord my Lord, the Duke your father with a great traine is comming.

Pol.

From heauen or hell.

Ioc.

That's more then I knowe, but by the faith of a page, or the worde of a Gent. which you will, hee is a∣riu'd and in great state entred the Cittie.

Iu.

Zounds wheres the slaue that brought the falsere∣port of his death?

Pol.

But art sure tis my father?

Ioc.

Or else your Mother did you the more wrong, shift for your selues, for he is come.

Pol.

My father aliue and come home, hart a me what shift? come home & finde the Court turnd Ale-house Dicing-house, Dauncing schoole, I am vndone horse and foote.

Em.

Some Rosasolis or Aqua mirabilis ho, for our ge∣nerall coward's in a swoune.

Po.

I know you are a hot shot in a feather-bed Tris, but that will uot serue turne now, therefore fall off, the enemie is too strong, deede Tris, euerie Lambe to his fold, and Cony to her Borough, for the olde Foxe is a∣broad no, wilt not bee? why then God a mercyes braine.

Cedant arma togae, my gowne and bookes boy, some sudden deuise to keepe him back halfe an houre, and win my good opinion for euer.

Ioc.

And I doe not, let mee die of the bastina•• doe.

Exeunt.

Enter Duke Ferneze, Angelo, and other Nobles attendants.

Duke.

Lords, make a stand, I wonder that our Sonne glads not our wisht arriuall with his presence.

Ang.

No doubt my Lord, his honourable care, Is not acquainted with your sudden landing.

Duk.

We take it so, and whilst our selfe in person Enquire the cause, attend vs in the Hall, Little thinkes he his father is so neere, But vnexpected, ile goe startle him, And put his wit vnto the present try all.

Enter Ioculo.

Pag.

where's the Prince?

Io.

my most honor'd Lord? In priuate conference with an English poast.

Du.

An English poast?

Io.

An English post my Lord: the effect of his letters I know, not but I heard him begin a most strange dis∣course.

Du.

Of what I prithee?

Io.

Please your honor take a turne or two, I shall re∣late (quickly my Lord) heereports there fell such an Inundation of waters in the moneth of Iuly, about the third of dog-dayes, that the Owers and Scullers that vse to worke in the Thames, rowd ouer houses & landed their faires in the middle Ile of Paules.

Du.

Ist possible?

Io.

Very easely possible (sfoot quickly) and more the fishermen that rid betweene Douer and Calis, tooke red spurlin, and she Mackerell in the midst of the Exchange, which made mutton so cheepe and stale, that it is thought the better halfe of the townes∣men will run horne mad about it.

Du.

It cannot be.

Io.

Not be? why looke you sir,

Du.

Nay.

Io.

But heare the conclusion, iust on Saint Lukes day coming shal be a twelue-month, Westminster & Win∣chester, drinking a quart of wine together on Salis∣bury-playne fell into hard words and strange termes, there was thou knaue and I knaue, and such foule words, as if tow young Barristers had bene breathing their wits for a wager, (sfoot make an ende) now it was thought Westminster stood most vpon his termes, yet in the end Winchester got one of his best termes

from him spight on his teeth, which so vext West∣minster, that it grew to a deadly fewd, which was so hottly pursude that the taking vp of the matter cost many broken heads.

Du.

How.

Ju.

So sir, (sfoot not done yet?) and had not Cha∣ring-crosse a tall bow legd Gent: taken vp the matter, tis thought Westminster stones would haue bin too hot for some of them: and in parting the fray, Cha∣ring-crosse got such a box o'the eare, that hee will carry it to his deathsday, some say a got a wry neck by parting the fray, marry Winchester sayes flatly, a got a creeck in his neck, with looking westward for Termers.

Du.

Thou shouldst haue tolde me.

Iu.

Of the English poast▪ why looke you my Lord, the poast comming in poast-hast to shew his duty to the Prince, stumbled at a post that lay in his way and broke his sinister shanck, and so I breake of my discourse and bid your honor welcome home.

Exits

Du.

What a strange tale is here? of slouds and hills of Charing-crosse, Termes▪ and I know not what? and when I loo'd for the conclusion.

A breaks of all and leaues me in a Cloud.

Enter Iulio.

Du.

There is some trick in't, honord▪Iulio?

Iu.

Health to my Soueraigne.

Du.

How fares our Sonne? Haue your inducements drawn him from his humor?

Iu.

Faith my Lord I haue done a childes part, and almost spent a childes part, to draw him to society, but tis labor lost.

Du.

What is his businesse with the English poast?

Iu.

The English poast my Lord? your grace is

merry.

Du.

His boy informd mee a held conference, Bout serious matters with an English poast.

Iu.

Alas my Lord, the boy is lunatique.

Du.

How lunatique? and a fo••e god me thought A tolde a mad discourse, but th' occasion.

Iu.

I t••ll you my Lord, comming a bruptly as your honor o•• any else may do to the Princes cham∣ber, about some ordinarie seruice, a found him in his study, and a company of botlno••'d Deuils dauncing the Irish hay about him, which on the sudden so startled the poore boy, as a cleane lost his wittes, and euer since talkes thus idle, as your Excelence hath heard him

Du.

But tell mee doth my sonne conuerse with Deuils?

Iu.

As familiarly as you and I, they are his only company keepers, when a hath bene duld at his study, I haue knowne a Deuill and hee play at Ticktack for phillips, by the whole day together.

Du.

Tis passing strange, but may wee without danger go neere his study?

Iu.

At yonr honors spleasure,

Discouer Polymetes in his study.

Iu.

See where a sits, be Patient and obserue.

Po.

preuented still? now by Medusass snakes, And black Erinnis euer burning lampe, If all the skill in pyromantique rules, Deep Eromancy, or the precious soule, Of Ge man▪ique spells and Characters Grauen in the sur fase of our mother earth,

Can worke this strange atcheiuement,

Aug.

How his braine sweates in pursuite of lear∣ning

Duk.

Oh attend.

Poly.

The first house is vulgariz'd, the Horoscop or Angle of the Orient, and his Ascendant betokeneth beginning of life, Marchandise, marriage and—

Duke.

Lets breake him off.

Iul.

So please your excellence.

Pol.

The second and third house, the third House is cadent from the Angle of the Orient, and Ascendant to the Angle Septent••ionall, signifying Fathers Sisters and Daughters absent and lost, Daughters and fathers lost: here then I finde my demaund, the Maid lost my Sister, thus then I proportion my figure, there I place my witnesses, and heere my Iudge, and thus proceede to the Inuocation.

Iul.

Renowned Prince, Prince Polymetes, zoundes Prince.

Pol.

Discourteous Iulio, giue my studdie leaue.

Ju.

Hart not a ••ot, the Duke your father.

Pol.

Ile make my father ioyfull by my toile, Had not thy folly interiupted me, My hopes ere this had met their period.

Au.

Your princely father.

Pol.

O torment me not with his remembrance.

Iul.

S'blood hee's safe returnd.

Poly.

O would a were, then should not Genoaes Crowne, For want of strong supportance be prest downe. I〈…〉〈…〉 not enough, that like a harmeles Prince Spending my hou••es in Contemplation, I let you holde the raines of gouerment. Vnfit for me, my father hath a deepe And searching iudgement that can brush and sweepe

such idle brayn'd and antique Parasites, Forth of his presence, pray your absence,

Du.

I can but smile to sue how Protheus like, They turne the shape of their discourse & proiect, Thinking to leade me in an idle maze, after their folly, well, Ile temporize, and note the issue, come my Lords let's in, His humour's grounded, and like subtle fier: The more supprest, it mounts so much the hier.

Iu.

Why so, this iest came smoothly of and was not soild in the working

Exeunt.

Po.

That boy is worth his waight in pearle, dist marke what a tale of a Cock and a Bull, he tolde my father whilst I made thee and the rest away, by a bill of Conuey anee at his back?

Iu.

And I did simple Knights seruire in perswading the Duke the boy was lunatique.

Po.

twas admirable, doth not this iest deserue to be chronicled?

Iu.

No by my troth, yet I must needs say, some as bad haue bin, for how soeuer our practise passe currant with your father for the present, our villanyes must needs break▪ forth, they are so notorious and publique.

Po.

No matter let▪am, haue not we brayns? brayns and they be well mincde are sauce for any meate, let mine vncle turne Turxe and break forth, let the whole towne turne cuckold and blow their hornes in our disgrace, I haue brains, let the Sunne and the seauen Stars be oppos'd, I haue brayns for that too my present wit shall giue▪am all the lye in their throates, and may ntayne it at pocket, dagger, and pi∣stoll when I haue done.

Enter Horatios page.

Iu.

A mourner boy? what solemne funerall, Hath hung that sable liuery on thy back?

Pa.

Her death my Lord that hath cut out the like, For both your honors, the Countesse is deceast.

Pol.

Then will my vncle be a hauy mourner. But how the manner of her death?

Pa.

Ile eell your honor that hereafter and giue you the ground of an admirable ie ast.

Pol.

And we play not true moals and worke it out of the ground, let me dye of the greene-sicknsses.

Iu.

The ground then comes?

Pa.

No Ile tell you that in priuate, the life of a iest thriues in the first reuealing, it concernes the manner of your avnts death and a law-trick of your vncle.

Pol.

Come to the solemperites, and weepe at least those being ended wele receiue y our iest.

Exeunt.

Solemnpe Musique to a funerall song the Herseborne ouer the stage, Duke Lurdo, Polymetes, Angelo, Iulio, Horatio and mouners &c.

Exeunt.

Manet Horatio.

Ho.

What is a man? hart a the Deuill meere fools, His rich inuention, Machiuilian plots: Idle illusiue antick phantasies. Apelles grapes, I had as full a brayne, Fertile inuention and as forward hopes, As man could father, or his wit bring forth: Yet in a minute in bubles age, The venomdfury of a bitter spleene, Confounded all, forgetfull that I was, Women are moulded out of bashfulnesse: And must be drawne to kindnesse by degrees. All this I knew.

Enter Count. Lurdo.

Lur.

Neither the Law nor I,

Know any reason why Horatio. But mum, Law-tricks as closely as I can, Mine eare shall drinke his meditation.

Hor.

Had she ••uruiu'd Time—

Lur.

Might haue found vs out, Good, firme in Law, I am a foole to doubt, His constant secrecie.

Hor.

But now shee's dtad.

Lur.

The deepest wit could not haue bettered, Our smooth conueyance, but vpright and streight, Vnknowne, vnseene, ile worke vpon conceit.

Exit

Hor.

Had she bene liuing, golden promises, The smoothe Atturneys to a Louers tongue Might haue in time solicited my suite, Guiftes might haue pleaded, mournefull Elegies, Told her my passions, had she bene composde Of steele or flint, nay, made of womens hearts, The most obdurate mettle, Time and Art, But she is dead, oh hell! and in her tombe. My hopes are buried.

Enter count Lurdo againe.

Lur.

My conceited braine, Hath an odde crotchet call'd me backe againe.

Hor.

To all these bad mis-fortunes should the Corn•• vse any trickes?

Lur.

Ha? a talkes of trickes, Of count and tricks, for trickes and count are twinns.

Hor.

Yet I regard not.

Lur.

I am right and streight.

Hor.

Say a complaine?

Lur.

Suppose he tell the Duke he gaue the poison.

Hor.

He contriu'd her death and cannot wrong me,

Lur.

Fie, I feare him not, He doth but father, what my braine begot.

Exit.

Ho.

This comfort yet which many want I haue, To follow my faire fortunes to the graue.

Exit