Versatile ingenium, The Wittie companion, or Jests of all sorts. From citie and countrie, court and universitie. : With an account of the life of the laughing philosopher Democritus of Abder̀a. / By Democritus Junior.

STORIES. Pleasant and True

The Comical Revenge.

IN Poictiers in France a Nobleman owing a con∣siderable summ of Money, his Creditors were resolved to Arrest him, let it cost them ever so much; they soon met with a fellow for their pur∣pose, one who was as impudent as Valiant, for he would venture upon the greatest difficulty. One day he met with this Lord, and boldly coming up to him, told him what he was, and his business; the Lord made no resistance, but smothering his displeasure and revenge bid the Serjeant come a∣long with him (it being about noon) he said, he would first dine, and then consider what was to be done. The Lord went to a Cabaret, or Tavern, and having bespoke dinner he privately sent away for some of his Servants and then fell into discourse with this Serjeant, who began to mistrust some mi∣schief ensuing, and therefore made a thousand sim∣ple excuses for enterprising that bold attempt; the Lord said little to him till he had din'd and then he called to one of his Gentlemen to bring him a pair of Sissers, being brought, go now said he, and pair that fellows nails very close, pointing to the Serjeant; he seeing there was no avoiding it, pa∣tiently endured it, allthough the Gentleman cut his Nails to the very quick: this being done, the

Lord came to him, saying, Now, Sir I am assured you cannot scratch me, and I am resolved you shall not be able to bite me neither, so forcing him into a Chair he caused his Teeth to be drawn out one by one; Now, Sir, (said he) have a care of a∣busing the next time any of my rank and quality; yet now, Sir, I will be kind to you aster all this, I will sweeten your sauce for you; so causing him to be stript stark-naked, he commanded Honey to be brought, with which he annointed him all over, and roll'd him in Feathers: never did African Monster appear so strange and ridiculous; Lastly, he caused a Label to be fixt to his back, wherein were written these words, This is Anti-Christ. Now said the Noble-man, I shall take my leave of you, not without extending my Civility farther in your behalf, I doubt you may be indisposed, and there∣fore you shall ride home; hereupon this Poor De∣vil in Feathers was mounted, with his Hands tyed behind him, and his Face towards the Tail of his Horse, and so led through the Streets to the great wonder and laughter of the People.

The Mercer transform'd into a Lord.

A Nobleman of France did very lately fall in lo∣ve with a Citizens Wife of Paris, and left no means unattempted till he had made her all compliance: This Lord being one day at Court saw the Husband of this Female Friend come into the Palace Royal, and by enquiry found that his business would not quickly be dispatcht, whereupon away he slunk out of the Court, and got privately (as he thought) in∣to the house of this Citizen, but it seems he was dis∣covered by this Citizens Brother, who detested the debauchery of his Sister, and therefore presently dispatcht away a Messenger to Court to acquaint

his Brother what unhappily he had discovered. The Citizen presently takes his Alarm, and thinking his feet too slow, took Coach and drove Jehulike, to hinder what was allready past prevention. His Wife hearing a Coach come in that Furious man∣ner to her door, imagin'd she was betray'd, and therefore advised the Lord that was in bed with her to rise and abscond himself in a place she had provi∣ded, in case any such discovery should happen: hearing as he thought some body coming up stairs, for hast left his Cloaths on the bed, which shee seeing, in as great haste and confusion, threw them into a Chest, but so unadvisedly, that the embroi∣dered sleeve of the Doublet hung ôut, of which she took no notice, but fell to dressing her self as little concern'd, as if she had no more harm in her than in a little Female Devil newly arrived at the Teens. Her Husband entring the Chamber, said, Madam, I understanding that my Lord came to visit you this morning, I thought he might also have some business of great importance to whisper in my ear, and this made me return sooner than you expected. The Gentlewoman confidently replyed, that he was mis-informed, for there had no body been with her that day. Her Husband looking about the Room espied the Lords embroydered sleeve hang out of the Chest, and ask't whose it was, and how it came thither, this subtle Woman, who like the rest of her sex, never wants an excuse in time of ex∣tremity, replyed, (but trembling) Sweet heart, I beg your pardon, for my forgetfulness; A Gentle∣woman, wanting money brought it me to shew you, desiring to have but forty Crowns lent upon it; let mee see it (said he) and looking upon it pre∣sently knew whose it was, and without discovering any passion, pull'ed off his own Coat, and put on

that Embroydered with Gold; when he had so do∣ne, come come said he, I must examin your War∣drobe, and looking into the Chest found what ap∣pertaïn'd thereunto, as Hat, Cravat, Breeches, &c. which he took up and habited himself there∣with from top to toe; being thus gallantly, nay, nobly attired, he struts to and fro the Chamber, admiring himself in his Walk, and when he had left off adoreing himself, said he, now prethee Wi∣fe tell me, don't I look like a Lord? have not I his very Mein? I cannot believe but I am one now; do thou believe so to, and we shall hug one the other oftner; but all this while I pitty the poor Gentle∣man that owns them, for doubtless he hath been at Play to Night, and losing all, is forced to deposit his Garments, and is it may be now acold for his heat of Fancy. This Noble-man being in a stran∣ge confusion, knew not what to do, nor say; at length collecting a little courage, she had the con∣fidence to say, Sir, you strangely impose upon me; for why is it not as Lawful for me to go to the Court of Aids, as for you to go so often to the Exchange? No, replyed he, since you have fitted me for the Court, I'le no more to the Exchange; and thereu∣pon instantly went down stairs, and calling for a Coach, ordered the Coach-man to drive him in∣stantly to the Palace Royal, where dismounting, he betook himself to the long Gallery, where the Nobility usually frequented, at his approach, the Eyes of all the Court were upon him, every one wondering what this Fine thing should be, after several opinions were spent upon him, it was con∣cluded by the most, that as he was a stranger, he could by his habit be no less than a Nobleman; at length a Courtier, drawing near to Caress and Complement this Noble stranger, looking stead∣fastly

in his face, knew him, and cryed out aloud, O the Devil, is it you Mr. Coquelineux; and the∣reupon made all the haste from him he could to in∣form his Majesty first, of a strange sight was newly come to Court, viz. his Mercer as fine as any Lord. His Majesty commanded him to be brought in, which was as the other designed and desired. At first sight the King knew the Person, and to whom tho∣se fine Cloathes properly belong'd, and was stran∣gely surprized at the sight of both so improperly conjoyn'd. At length says the King, Coquelineux, prythee thy meaning for this thy phantastical ap∣pearance: wouldst thou by this Garb (because I am in thy Books) perswade me to make thee what thou dost personate? Though I owe thee Money, yet I owe thee no such hnnour; besides, if thou wouldst only barely represent a Lord, thou art mistaken in the time, for this is no day of State. The Mercer heard his Majesty with great attention, and per∣ceiving an Answer was expected, replyed, May it please your Majesty, my intent of coming hither, was to no other end then to restore to the right ow∣ner his due. This splendid Suit with the appurte∣nances I found in my Wives Chamber, and disco∣vered where she had laid them by the sleeve of this embroydered Coat hanging out of the Chest care∣lesly: upon a full view, I askt whose they were; she very ingeniously told me, A Gentlewoman brought them to her to shew to me, to know how much I would lend upon them, but I mistrusting they may be stoln from some person of Quality, thought fit to put them on, and walk publickly at Court, for by that means the right owner may come to a better knowledg of his goods by sight, than any discrip∣tion. The King could not forbear laughing hearti∣ly to see so much seeming honesty, and simplicity

in his Mercer; and that which added to his further mirth was the consideration of what a condition the Lord was in, whom he concluded to be left without Garments: now that his Majesty might not lose so brave an opportunity for delight, he caused two Pursuivants to be sent immediatly to the Mercer's House, and there search for this Noble-man, and, if found, to bring him instantly to Court, sans all excuse of going any where else. This Lord fearing some such design, thought any delay dangerous in staying, cloath'd himself in the habit of the Mercer, and as an assistance to his disguise, he put on a black Gown which he found hanging up, which belon∣g'd to a Doctor of Physick then lying in the House; and in this Equipage thinking to go home undisco∣vered, as he was sneaking out of the doors he was met by the Pursuivants, who knowing him by his Countenance, told him in few words, what his Majesty had commanded them, and that without excuse or delay he must instantly appear before His Majesty: he seeing there was no avoiding it went (not without great disorder in his thoughts) with the Officers. The King and several of the Nobles see∣ing this Lord in such an Antique dress, fell into such a Laughter, that they utterly forgot the civili∣ty that was due to the Royal Presence; The King ha∣ving laught his sides sore, had at last leisure to say; how now Cozen, whence came you? the Noble∣man, who was very facetious, presently replyed, from Hell I think an't please your Majesty, for I came from a bottomless pit: Indeed (said the King) by your Garb you look as if you had been a Conju∣ring somewhere. You are in the right Sir (said the Lord) for I can assure your Majesty this Morning I raised the Devil, and laid his Damm: in short, I will tell your Majesty the whole Truth; a Friend

of mine was in a high Fever, and wanted a cooling Clyster, and would have Noe one to administer it but my self: I pittying her condition, in compliance to her desires performed this Morning the part of a Charitable Physitian. The King by these words very well understood what his Cozen had been doing, and in railery checkt him: saying, indeed you are to blame to give any Woman Physick wit∣hout the consent of her Husband; for the time to come forbear such practices, if for no other cause than to shun making such a Metamorphosis as you have done already: for see there, a Mercer chang'd into a Lord, and here a Lord changed into a Conjurer; and so dismist them, allotting the Mercer that gor∣geous Suit in part of satisfaction of the wrong he had received, whilst the others shame was a sufficient punishment.

A French Noble-man Cuckolded by his Servants,

IT is customary among the Nobility, and per∣sons of great quality in France to lye in Chambers apart from those of their Ladies. Now there was a Lord (shall be at present nameless) who notwith∣standing his Lady was as eminent a Beauty as most was in France, yet he must (forsooth) follow the humour of the Countrey; now when at any time he had a desire to enjoy the sweet embraces of his lo∣vely consort, rising from his own bed he would steal out in the dark in his Shirt, making no noise, and knocking at his Ladies Chamber dore softly, she knowing his custome gave him admittance; now besides the Mode, he had another reason (as he said) to approve thereof, because it lookt so like whoring. Having performed the necessary and obli∣ging duty of the Marriage Bed, he returned to his

own Chamber there to spend the residue of the Night in an undisturbed repose. One of this Lord's Valet de Chambre's taking notice of this humour, concluded that he might have the same admittance into his Ladies Chamber, and participate of the sa∣me Pleasures by the same means his Masters humour had inculcated into his thoughts. Upon a serious consultation with himself, he concluded that Night best for the accomplishing his Design, in which his Master had visited his Lady; about an hour after he resolved to put his lustful Project in Practice; which he did so well by imitation that he got entrance: Your own thoughts may inform you how they spent the time, without my putting the modest to the extravagant expence of blushes. All I shall say is, That this Fellow performed his part so vi∣gorously and so often, that when he went from her, he left her all wonder and amazement: and that which encreas'd her admiration was not only his profound silence, although she urged him to speak to her with all the melting Rhetorick she could devise, but the coming of her busband twice as she supposed; whilst she was thus ruminating with her self being left alone, her Husband stimu∣lated more than ordinary by some provocatives he had taken the day before, comes and with his acu∣stomed knock and whisper demanded entrance, she knowing her Lords voice arose and let him in; as he was about to prosecute his accustomed enjoy∣ment, his Lady begg'd him to forbear, urging that he was much to blame to be so inordinate in his desires: what (said she) Could not you my Lord (since you find so great an alteration) be content to have out done your self this night by so many repe∣titions, but that you must again expose your body; to the injury of the cold in so short a time again

and coming a third time, in less than two hours? Nay, nay sweet-heart this is but twice, you wrong me indeed said he: To which she replyed, That she was not mistaken, for assuredly it was so often. Hereupon this Gentleman began to pause upon it; and from what he had already heard and gathered from other circumstances he verily believed that he had been abused by one of his Servants; but kept all close from his Lady (for she was a vertuous Gent∣lewoman) to avoid the ill consequences such a dis∣covery might produce. Having laid a while (in which time he studied to divert his Lady as he could) he got up, and being come into his own Chamber he could not rest there long, but putting on his Breeches and a Gown went into all his Male ser∣vants Chambers that were about him, making, along as he went, a strict enquiry with his Nose in every Bed, for it seems this Lady was well sented. There was one of whom he at length might have so∣me grounds of suspition; becanse, besides his com∣plection which never fail'd of ardent inclination to the Female Sex, he was both a handsome and a ve∣ry subtle Fellow, but he could not tell which Bed he lay in; by chance groping up and down in the dark he found his Bed, and pulling up the Cloathes smelt a perfume he was very well acquainted with; and from thence judged this must be the Rogue that had done him this dishonour; wherefore that he might be sure to know him the next day, he took out of his Pocket a pair of Sizers, and snipt off one of his Whiskers, for then it was the Fashion to we∣ar them. This Fellow was awke, and by this knew very well his Master, and his Design, first by smel∣ling, and then by marking him, that he might be known the next day, to prevent which as soon as his Master was gone, he instantly starts up; and

going into all the Chambers aforesaid, cuts off (from every one that had any) that Whisker that was on the same side of the Mouth that his was on, and returns to his own Bed. The Servants getting up next morning, and seeing each others right Whisker gone, stood staring one upon another li∣ke so many distracted Bedlamites, not knowing what to say, or whom to accuse. In short, one that was known sufficiently to be an arch Rogue was suspected, and thereupon some of the more passio∣nate fell upon him and abused him most pitifully, others took his part, by which means they were all engaged by the Ears; at the noise hereof the whole House was alarmed, and running to see what was the matter, they were so surprized with the stran∣geness of such a Comical sight, that laying aside all respect to their Lord and Lady, they laught beyond measure. Sure it must be very pleasant to see two such contrary Passions, in one entire Company, proceeding from one and the same cause. These poor Semi-barbarians finding themselves laught at by their fellows, whom they observed not so abu∣sed as they were, imagining them the Plotters of this mischief, and without examining whether it was so or no, diverted the quarrel among themsel∣ves upon the others. Now did the Combat begin afresh, with more eagerness than before, which caused one to run and tell the Lord, that there was a Civil War Commenced among his Servants, and that if he came not quickly and decided the Contro∣versie their fury would utterly leave him destitute of his present Attendance. Hereupon his Lord∣ship commanded a Cessation of Arms, & com∣manded they should come before him; and having cleansed themselves from the Blood, each Face by Fighting had contracted; (for as they then were,

one Face could hardly be distinguisht from the o∣ther) they appeared before their Lord in the great Hall. In the mean time he ordered his Lady to be there. Upon the appearance of the men, my Lord and Lady were possest with the same different Pas∣sions as their Servants were; for the first was in a Fury to see that Traitor who had abused him; whilst the other fell into the greatest laughter imaginable; after a little time the half Whiskers made a bitter complaint against the whole whiskers, as to the in∣jury they had sustained in the abuse of their beards; the Defendants alledged that they were guiltless of the Fact, and that for their good will in coming to part them they were Assaulted by them. To end the Controversie, in short, said my Lord, it was I that cut off one Whisker, whosoever is the ow∣ner thereof I will have his Head off too for an irre∣parable injury he hath done me; their former pas∣sion was now converted into another of that for fear, so that now their Knees wag'd more then their Hands before; look here (said my Lord) whose re∣maining Whisker matcheth this in Colour, he is the Subject of my revenge. Hereupon Carrats fell on his knees, and beg'd his Pardon, confes∣sing the whole Truth; for this witty indeavour of concealment he gave him his Life with the loss of his Ears, and delivered him over to the abused Se∣miwhiskers who got a blanket and tost him so long in Revenge, that they had like to tost his bones out of his skin, as well as him out of his Lordships service.

A mad Wooer well fitted.

ONE Wooing a Widow, more to satisfie his Friends, than to oblige his own inclinations told her, that he had three qualities which she must

be acquainted with before he married her. The first was, when he went abroad, and returned home he should be angry without a cause; Secondly, he must eat his meat alone; And Thirdly, that he should lye with her but once a Month. If this be all (said she) I care not; for as to the first, whereas you say, you shall be angry without a cause, I will take care to give you cause enough, never fear. And for the second in eating your Meat alone, do and spare not; but it shall be after I have din'd. And as for you Lying with me but once a Month, take your course; if you will not, another shall, for in that time, I shall have a Months mind to another.

A great noise to little purpose.

IN the latter end of Queen Elizabeths Reign, there was a great rumour of an Invasion, whe∣reupon great numbers of Horse and Foot were rais'd about London, insomuch, that the whole Kingdom was terribly affrighted; but all coming to nothing, a Countrey Gentleman then in the City askt his Friend, to what end was all that Mu∣stering in London and Middlesex. To what end (quoth the other?) why to Mile-End; for there was the general Muster. And to what end were so ma∣ny Barges, and Liters sent down to block up the Thames? To what end? why tho Gravesend, quoth the other. I but said the Gentleman to what end was the great hurley-burley by Land and Water? To what end (quoth the other?) why in troth as far as I understand to no end at all.

The Amorous Contest.

THE Duke of Lerma used, by way of Ma∣gnificency and State, when he washt before Dinner, to give a Ring to him that held the Bason,

and another to him that held the Ewer: One time above the rest, having a Diamond Ring on his Fin∣ger, he made this publick proposition, that who∣soever of the Company could relate the saddest sto∣ry in Love Affairs should have the Ring: where∣upon a Gentleman there present undertook the task, and thus began.

May it please your Grace to understand; that I a long time served two Mistresses, of different Form and Feature, the one as foul as the other fair; the one loved me, whom out of meer gratitude I was obliged to show some respect; the other hated me as much, as I lov'd the other beyond expression. Being utterly destitute at last of all hope and Com∣fort, I dedicated my whole time to solitude, which in a little time brought on me a desperate Fever, which in the opinion of my Physitians would not end, but with my Life. The report hereof coming to my cruel fair ones ear, made her come to visit me, who seeing to what weakness I was reduced, smothered no longer her flame (having for some Reasons hitherto, concealed her soft Passion) but professed how endearedly she lov'd me, and how sorry she was her coyness had brought me to this condition. No Cordial could so revive my Spirits, neither Julip so allay my unnatural heat, as did these sweet and melting expressions, so that in a short time I recovered my strength. Her Father hearing of her Love, vow'd to cross it, and the∣reupon lockt her up from my sight; but finding (do what he could) that we privately conveighed Let∣ters

to one another; he animated my Rival to fight me: In short we fought, and by the happy Influ∣ence of Heaven, I gained the Victory with my Rival's Death: Now the Law of my Countrey being very severe against Duels, I was forced to flye, hoping in time my friends would procure my Pardon. But now to make my Misery compleat, the cruel Father of my Mistress forced her in my absence to Marry an old Count his Neighbour, the Corruption of whose Body rendred him fitter fer a Grave than a Marriage Bed. Now, if your Gra∣ce do judge my Calamity can receive addition, and that my Afflictions lay not claim to your Ring▪ be pleased to bestow it on some more wretched than my self.

He had no sooner ended his Speech, but another thus began.

Great Prince,

I Must begin my mournful Story where this Gentleman ends his. He received at once, both a Pardon for the Murther and a Letter from his Mistris to make haste into her imbraces; the Count her Husband being gone a long Journey, he desi∣red me to Associate him in this pleasing journey, and I willingly yielded to his invitation. Arriving at the Old Count's Castle his Mistress met him with the same joy, and gladness with which the Spring

the Sun doth entertain. Long did their Kisses in∣terrupt their Speech, which at length brake out in∣to unfained protestations, how much their past mi∣series had indeared each to other. When they had chatted their fill, to Supper we went, which finisht, a Banquet succeeded, ravishing both to Eye and Palat. This ended, one comes in, and whispering the Lady in the Ear, she instantly chang'd Co∣lour, and cry'd out, she was undone for ever, un∣less I did her one friendly Office, which should e∣ternally engage her to me; having told her, I de∣sired no greater honour than to dye in her Service, she then inform'd me, that the old Count her Husband was returned, and newly gone to Bed being very weary and expected her coming. Now Sir, said she, not daring to trust any of my Maids, with the Secret of my Friend's being here, but you and my Sister, do me the favour about an hour hen∣ce to put on one of my Coives, and one of my Smocks and go to bed to my Husband who without doubt will be asleep before you come; if he be not, all he will do is but to hug you about the middle or kiss you, for other dalliance you need not fear him; be∣sides Age hath not yet brusht your Chin, so that it seems to me as smooth as mine; by this means shall I and my dearest beloved own all the fruition of lo∣loves delights to you alone. In short, Sir, I was not only attentive, but obedient to her request, and into the supposed Bed of the old Count I went, where I was no sooner laid, but I heard him breath,

and felt him stir and move towards me, whereat I shrunk away to avoid his loath some touch; but he mov'd still onwards, and I farther, and farther, till I lay half naked out of bed. In the morning as I was shrinking out of Bed to be gone, on a sud∣dain my Friend and the Countess came dancing in∣to the Chamber, he in his Shirt, and she in her Smock: my Soul hereat was strangely divided be∣twixt fear and wonder, fear of my own detection, and amazement at their boldness, thinking that excess of pleasure had made them run distracted. At length coming to the Bed-side drawing the Cur∣tains, each of them with a Tapour in their hand shewed me the most lamentable and unpardonable errour that ever man committed, for instead of the old rotten Count, there lay by me the Sister of the Countess, who for sprightful youth, and charm∣ing beauty Nature never yet produced her like▪ Now, when with the highest admiration I beheld this Miracle of her Sex, and what a Heaven of happiness I, by mistake, had lost. I hardly could refrain from laying violent hands on my self: my friend reaped his enjoyments, which I am never li∣ke to do; for being forced to leave the Castle in a very little time after I heard she is removed I know not wither, so that I must now languish and dye in the Tyranny of restless desire.

This Spech being ended, the Duke confessed that they both deserved much, but he questioned whether the Counts Sister deserved not as Much as

both, nay, more, for she knew who was in Bed with her, and knowing her self so near a good turn and miss it, aggravates vexation to the very height, and therefore said, the Ring to her did properly belong.

Purgatory.

THe Pope gave a Priest a Silver Bason and in∣dued it with this vertue, that whosoever dropt a French Crown into it, or to that value, his Friends Soul should instantly upon the sound of it be deli∣vered out of Purgatory. In the Town where the Priest liv'd dwelt a mad debauch'd fellow, whose Uncle had left him a good estate. To him this priest came, and offer'd for a French Crown to free his Uncles Soul from Purgatory. The young man re∣plyed, it was a reasonable proposition, whereupon he took out a Crown, and dropt it into the Bason, then askt the Priest if his Uncles Soul was yet out of Purgatory? I dare lay upon my life it is freed, said the Priest; which words were no sooner said, but the young man took up his mony again, and put it into his pocket, wherat the Priest displeased said, if you take your mony again, his Soul will again enter into Purgatory. Nay said the young man there is no fear of that, for if my Uncle be as obst∣inate an old Knave, dead, as he was, living, if he-be once out all the▪ Devils in Hell cannot get him in again.

The Cheater Cheated.

A Comly Matronly Woman (whom I shall for∣bear to nominate) lately lived in the Burrough of Southwark, who wanting things necessary both for the Ornament of the body, and furniture of a house, held a long consultation with her self how

she might effect her desires by a well contrived cre∣dit. Many plots she laid, but found none of them firm enough to build the structure of her designed advantage, till she chanced to hit upon this strata∣gem. She had a Daughter which was more han∣some than honest, and much more witty than wise, in short, both Mother & Daughter were as right as my leg, and as good as ever twang'd. These two consulting together, concluded thus, that they should in the first place change their habitation, but before they did it, the Daughter went to one of the Devils Factors, alias a Tally-man (with whom she was acquainted) and took up all the Materials belon∣ging to man's Apparel, which she said was for her Husband, who was returned home to receive what pay was due to him for serving his Majesty by Sea, against the Hollander. She told her story so plausi∣bly, expressing so much joy for his escape, and what great advantages were like to accrue to her by the Valour of her Husband, that the Tally-man did not only trust her with a Suit of mans apparel, but fur∣nisht her self with many necessary things she wan∣ted. Being laded with credit, home she came, and having removed all their goods to a place conve∣nient for their future projects, the old Gentlewo∣man plaid the changling with her sex, by throwing off her Female weeds, and cloathing her self, in every respect like a man; the young Baggage for a while pretended her Mother was lately dead, and that being left to the wide world, she knew not what course to steer for want of advice; there was a young man who belonged to the Sea, did court her, but she was fearful of engaging; she at length and that in a little time had so wrought upon the af∣fections of divers of the Neighbours, partly by her good face and notable smooth tongue, that they

undertook not only to advise but assist her. Whe∣reupon understanding that her Sweet-heart lay as a Lodger in her house, some of them came to enqui∣re into his estate, and being very well satisfied the∣rein, they then inquired into his resolution of mar∣rying this young woman, he protested he loved her before any in the World, and if she would they should be marryed the next day, it was agreed upon, and accordingly the Mother in a Masculine habit went to Church where they were marryed accor∣ding to form; great was the jollity that day, and night approaching they went to bed together, but without any hopes of reaping the sweet enjoyment of a Marriage bed, but by a dream or the strength of imagination. The next day their mirth increa∣sed, neither was there any diminution of it for one whole week. Having spent time enough in reioi∣cing, they now pretended to mind their business, the one for the house and the other abroad, who carryed her business so craftily, that she was not in the least suspected to be any other than she seemed to be, for she was a Woman of an undannted Spi∣rit, and having a nimble Tongue and quick inven∣tion, she had learned to bounce and huff with any Bully-Ruffin in the Strand, Holbourn, or Convent∣garden; besides as a further qualification to that boy∣strous occupation, she could Smoak, Drink, and Swear with any Damme, within twenty miles of London; but when she returned home, and was amongst her Neighbours, she always wore the Vi∣zor of temperance and sobriety, never Swearing, nor seldom Drinking more but what might be the Oyl to cheerfulness and hilarity. Having gotten the good opinion of her Neighbours, she was now resolved to make use of their Purses, which she might easily do, by pretending she had a great deal

of mony due from the Navy office, and which she had not received, but should speedily; and to con∣firm their belief shewed them several counterfeit Tickets. This so wrought with some, that they lent her mony, and though not every one much, yet many a little makes a Mickle. Having enriched themselves with the spoils of others, and not daring to stay any longer in that place, they secretly remo∣ved and took a house remote from the former to prevent discovery; in this house they intended to sell all sorts of Liquors for the entertainment of men, and Women, and therefore the old one thought it requisite to appear in a Garb suitable to that profession, which was very plain, and that she might possess the People with an Opinion that she was (as so drest) an innocent harmless Cuckold she behaved her self so simply to her supposed Wife, that every one jndged him what he seemed, and the∣reupon made addresses to the young one at such convenient times as the old one went abroad on purpose, or was more than ordinary busie below; by this means they had a very great Trade, especially by that Venery which was winkt at as aforesaid; in this manner they continued a good while, and I ha∣ve been credibly informed, that the Mother, (and supposed Husband to her own Daughter) when she had a desire to the same satisfactions she had pimpt for her Daughter, she would put on her own Female Habit, and sitting in the house as a custo∣mary Plyer, the Daughter frequently by way of a kind return, did play▪ the Bawd for the Mother so long till they were apprehended, for keeping a dis∣orderly house, and being carryed to a justice upon Examination were found guilty of what was alled∣ged against them and so were committed to Bride∣well, the Keeper viewing the Faces of them both

very strictly imagin'd he had seen before the Face of the elder which personated the man, but could not for the present tell where; at length he verily belie∣ved she had been formerly under his Jurisdiction, hereupon he seized her doublet, and striping it o∣pen, found by lier Breasts what he had suspected; the former Justice was informed hereof, who sent for them both to appear before him, upon further examination the seeming man was found to be only a lusty woman, and Mother to that young woman she had marryed; likewise it was proved against the young woman that she had frequently drest her self in mans apparel to enjoy her Amours with the grea∣ter security abroad, for which, they were both sent back again to Bridewell, where they were severely lasht for their cheating Metamorphosis.

The Innocent Acceit.

A Person being very Rich, was likewise often∣tatious and very peevish, a Daughter he had was tolerably handsom, and was intirely beloved by a Country Gentleman, of no mean Estate, ha∣ving gained the young Gentlemomans consent, he acquainted her Parents with the Love he bore their Daughter, who no sooner heard it, but were in a great Passion, their ambition judging him too me∣an a Fortune, and therefore not only refused his offer, but very uncivilly forbade him the House: saying, Moreover, that if it should be their mis∣fortune, and his imaginary happiness to steal a Mar∣riage and rob them of their Daughter, he would ne∣ver give them a farthing. He obeyed their com∣mands in that, but resolved notwithstanding that he would see his Mistress whatever came on't; Lo∣ve soon found out a way to effect it, at which inter∣view he told her what had past between him, and

her Parents, and the refusal of the Match propo∣sed; she seemed exceedingly troubled hereat, and wept bitterly, the other to comfort her, swore if she would be constant, he would never forsake her; and to shew the reality and integrity of his Affecti∣on offer'd to Marry her immediatly, she consen∣ted, and being married with all convenient speed, they performed the rights of Hymen, and sent her home to her Fathers House, desiring her not to ta∣ke any Notice of what had past, and since the time of their being together was so short the Old ones could not suspect any thing

A few days after this new married Gentleman got his (supposed Maiden) Wife into his company, and having repeated his former delights, he told her, he would go into the Country, giving her di∣rections where to send to him, and that if she pro∣ved with Child, and that her Parents should disco∣ver it, as that they would quickly do, that then she should dissemble the greatest grief imaginable, and when pressed very much to discover the Father, she should then confess it was such a one, who had formerly made Love to her but her Parents would not accept of the Motion; as for the rest said he, leave the whole management to me.

Upon this they parted, and she proved with Child according to his expectation. The Mother perceiving the frequent Pewkings of her Daugh∣ter, with the swelling of her Belly, took her into a private place and there conjured her to tell her the naked Truth, whether she was no with Child? The Daughter with many sighs and teais, confessed that she was, and that such a Gentleman living in the Country had done it: The Mother like a Woman distracted, first lockt up her Daughter, and then ran to her Husband, and calling him aside, told

him of the shame and Infamy that had befallen his Family, and by whom; this unexpected news ma∣de him ten times madder than his Wife; but at length they both concluded that it was but a folly, either to rave or rail at their Daughter, but to study some means to sauder up the rack of their Daughters Ho∣nour. No better expedient was thought on, but to write to the Gentleman and acquaint him with what he had don, requiring satisfaction; this Let∣ter was sent, and another returned by him in An∣swer thereunto; to this effect, That it is true he had lain with their Daughter, but he knew not whet∣her he got her with Child, for she that can dispence with being a Whore to one, will be so to another. In short he concluded, that he had no more to say than this, That if she would be so impudent, to lay the Child to him he must maintain it, but as for her part, he had nothing to say to her, for he had already over-paid her that little pleasure, he had purch∣ased of her.

This return netled them to the heart, and they sho'wd it their Daugter with all the opprobrums that can be uttered. The poor young woman replied not a word, supplying her speech with nougt but sighs and tears. The old people grieved at this, sent down a milder Letter, requesting the favour, that he would be pleased to come up to London for they had some business extraordinary with him, tending much to his advantage. He sent them word, that he had extraordinary businefs where he was, and that he neither could, or would stir from it. As the Belly swell'd, so did their sorrow, fearing there was no remedying the cause thereof.

Yet upon another consultation the Daughter told her Father, that before ever she consented he pro∣mised her Marriage; this made the old Gentleman

caper, Nay them said he we are well enough; im∣mediately calling for Pen, Ink, and Paper he wro∣te another Letter, charging the Gentleman home with his Promise sometimes threatening him, if he made it not good, and then sweetning him again, &c. beseeched him to make a journey up. This Gentleman (seeing it high time to condescend to what he most desired) sent word by such a day he would (if in health) infallibly be in London, to no other end, than to understand his will and pleasu∣re. The Gentleman is as good as his Word, a sta∣tely Dinner is provided with plenty of Wine, and the Cloath being taken away, there was no other discourse, than how to salve up their Daughters Credit by a speedy Marriage, and as an incourage∣ment they would give him a Thousand pounds: He slighted it, alledging further (with a Sir-reve∣rence to the company,) he would never, sh—in his own Hat, and then clap it on his head; as they advanced he more and more slights their proposals, saying that an Estate of two hundred a year deserves a greater Portion; at length they offered him two Thousand Pounds, to be paid immediately, he ac∣cepts of it with this Proviso, that upon the Birth of the Child their Daughter now goes with, there shall be paid more, five hundred Pounds: it is agreed to, and the Parents were so eager and sollicitous in the preservation of the Honour of their House that they would needs have the Marriage consummated immediately, the Country Gentleman agreed the∣reunto, and presently sent away for the same Par∣son that married them; who being desired by the Parents to joyn those two together in Matrimony, he smiled, and said, Sir, that is needless, for I ha∣ve done it already; How said the Old Gentleman? 't is very true replyed the Son-in-law, and for Con∣firmation,

see here the Certificate before your Daughter was with Child; and so she is no Who∣re, but an honest Wife▪ Nay then said the Old Gentleman I see I am gull'd, but since it is no wor∣se, and that our Family is not defamed, I will ma∣ke the odd Five hundred a Thousand pounds, and so God bless you together.

The French-man & the Baker's wife.

A Frenchman not long since took a Lodging ne∣ar a Baker, who though poor, yet very rich in having so handsom a Woman to his Wife, and was never blemisht in her reputation by any light deportment. This Frenchman presently had her in his Eye, and courted her importunitely, and ex∣pensively, but to no purpose; Treats proving in∣effectnal, he offered her Fifty Guinney's if she would permit him to lye with her all night, she refused it, but privately told her Husband what Monsieur had offered her, and upon what account; the Baker scratcht his head not knowing what to do; Poverty perswaded on the one side, and love hindred on the other from acceping this proffer; at length said he, dearest, there is a way to be thought on to save thy chastity, and yet we will have his money, and that is thus: I will pretend to go out of Town such a day, then do you upon the condition aforesaid promise Monsieur his satisfaction the night following, in the mean time, you know Tow—the Cobler, a stout fellow, him will I engage with five pounds to assist me, we will have each of us a good broad Sword, and thus armed we will creep underneath your Bed, and when the French-man hath paid you the Gold (which you must have first) and he is just going to bed we will crawl out and surprise him. It was generally agreed, and Monsieur had notice of

the assignation, who though he understood that the husband was gone out of town, yet he feared an ambuscado, and therefore carried a brace of Pistols with him, besides a good Rapier. Entring the Room, he caressed her, a la mode de France, and being ve∣ry fiery, he could suffer no delays but giving her the Gold, ordered her to make what haste she could to bed, and he would follow after. In the first pla∣ce he drew out his Pistols and laid them by him, and then undrest himself, seeing her in bed, he takes up his Sword and Pistols and advanceth towards her, she seeing him in that posture, askt him what he meant? No ting Madam of harm, only me love to have all de Arms, me sord by mee side, me Pis∣stools in mee haunds, and de Dagger before, when me go to take a Citadel or Fort, and laying down his Sword, by his bed side, he skipt into bed with his Pistols and laid them just over her head; not to lose time, be storm'd the Fort, and took it, and notwithstanding he was several times beaten out of the breach was made in the assault, yet he boldly entred again and took possession. The poor Cuc∣kold (and the Cobler who lay underneath the Bed) could not but hear what was doing above, yet durst not stir for their lives, nay not so much as whisper, for fear of being heard; Monsieur having gone through stitch with his work, and tired to boot, le∣apt out of bed with his Pistols, and taking up his Sword, went to the farther end of the room and drest himself, having so done, he calls to his reaking Miss, bidding her to come to him, she excused her self, saying she was in a great sweat, and might catch her death thereby, but seeing Monsieur grow resolute, she obeyed. Monsieur hereupon clapt a Pistol to her breast, saying, Begar Mrs. Bish-Fox, give me my Gold, begar if you will not—for lo∣ve,

begar you shall never have my money, and so taking the Guinny's from her, went couragiously down the stairs to his Lodging. Monsieur being gone, out crawls the Cowardly Cobler, and the Cuckoldly Coward, each blaming one another, and both the woman; what would you have me to do quoth she, since he lay atop of me, and what would you have us to do said they, since you both did lye a Top of us; well Husband all that I can say is, by this covetous stratagem of yours, you have made me a Whore; Proved that mighty man your friend a rank Coward, and your self an unpardonable Cuckolk.

The old Miser out-witted by his daughter.

A Merchant of Landon, growing old and Rich, Retired himself a little distance from the City, for the Benefit of the Air, and took with him his Sister and an only Daughter, having no other Re∣lations living; and though he had left of Trading, yet some business he had with a Merchant in the City that called him thither thrice a week compleat∣ly. A Servant to the Corespondent of this old Gent∣leman, had a great and real love for his Daughter, whose Beauty alone, without the incouragement of a Vast estate her Father intended to give, was in∣ducement enough for any mans affection; and such was his Happiness that she entertain'd a more than common kindness for him; but it was both their unhappiness, that the Father understood their lo∣ves, and to prevent their further growth by mee∣tings, he commited his Daughter to the careful tui∣tion of her Aunt, who was so jealous of her trust, that she walkt, nor talkt with any unless she was present, so that she was inaccessible to her Langu∣ishing despairing Lover, yet did he leave no means

unattempted, if not to discourse, yet at least to see his beloved object, haunting the House like some disturbed Ghost, but all to little purpose. The Fa∣tes at length pittying the sufferings of these two constant lovers, infused a stratagem into the young Gentlewomans head, whereby they might have a Mutal, and a constant correspondence by Letter, of which she inform'd her Love by dropping a pa∣per out of the Window to this effect;

Friend dearer than Life,

MOdesty will not permit me to discover my Grief, and Troubled thoughts for being thus debar'd of your speech, and presence, and that which aggravates my sorrow is the often seeing you, without the ability of coming to you, Howe∣ver some comfort my invention hath of late procu∣red me by finding out a way how we may express our minds to each other by writing; 't is thus in short, I have a little unript the Cape of my Fathers Cloak (thats lined with Velvet) into which I ha∣ve put a letter; when he comes to your Masters be officious to help him off with his Cloak, which he uses to do when he goes to Dinner, and in the Cape you will find my Soul contain'd, which take out, and send yours in the Room to her who lives no lon∣ger than whilst she loves, &c.

The satisfaction that he received from these Li∣nes was inexpressible, but much more, when he found the plot took so well, that he could twice a Week send to, and hear from the only comfort of his Life, and keeper of his happiness. By this stra∣tagem

they held a correspondence a longtime, but being eager of an interview, they had like to have spoiled all; for in a Letter he appointed her a place where they would meet, in order thereunto she sto∣le out of the House, but not so Privately, but that she was watcht by her Aunt, and followed to the place, where seeing this young man, and knowing whose Servant he was, reviled him with all the re∣proaches imaginable for indeavouring to seduce her Niece, a fortune too Sublime for such a Groveling Earth Worm as he; but, said she, I'le acquaint my Brother with your Knavish intentions, who shall take a Course to prevent your proceedings, and with other Minaces away she goes with her Kinswoman, leaving the young man in a Condit∣ion more Miserable than imaginable▪

At Night the Old Gentleman returning, he was informed by his Sister of what had Past in his absen∣ce, notwithstanding, all her Care, and watch∣fulness; at the report thereof the Old man was rea∣dy to run distracted, and no body but would have guest so much by his raving, every word being an express symptom of Madness; he called his Daugh∣ter a Thousand mis becoming names, and the best was Baggage, Strumpet, &c. reviling her with dis∣obedience and what not; and that which made her condition the more intollerable was, he would not let her speak in her own defence, and as she was about to do it, he flung out of the Room and left her; glad she was that she had some respit from her Sorrow, and so betook her self to her Chamber, where locking her Self in she instantly writ a Letter to her Love, acquainting him with her Fathers Deportment towards her, with a Register of the very Names he called her, with other abuses, and

having so done she slid it into the Cape as afore∣said.

The Old man arose very early the next Morning, in a passion, and to London he trotted, having no other business than to acquaint, the Merchant (his Friend) how he was abused by his Servant, and to vent his Spleen, and Choler on him.

The young man was abroad at his coming, so that his Master received all the Shock of the Old Gent∣lemans fury, who was a little tam'd by him before his return, by informing him that his man was not so Dispicable as he imagin'd, having so much Per annum in Land, besides a good stock of Mony to begin the World with; that besides all that, he would t ust him (as soon as free) with a Thousand Pounds hrmself; this they talkt walking in a great Hall, the C loak Hanging up in the Parlour; where they ursually Dined, which gave our Lover on his return the opportunity of receiving his usual intelligence. He could not but be troubled you must think,, when he read how his Love was abused, but since he could not remedie it, he was resolved to make use of the information. He had just finisht his Rea∣ding, as they both came into the Parlour, where immediately upon entrance the Old man rav'd and rail'd most insufferablly, calling him Beggers brat, Thief, Cheat, &c. And how durst he have that aspiring thought to Rob him of his only Daughter, Heiress to above forty thousand Pounds.

The young man with much Patience heard, and modestly told him he was much to blame, to villi∣fie him after that manner, since it was well known, that he was not only a Gentleman, but born to an estate: but Sir, (said he) it is no wonder, you mis∣cal

me, when you spare not your own chast and virtuous Daughter, calling her by the base and false names of Baggage, Strumpet, &c. Hey Day, Hey Day, a Wizard, a Wizard, (quoth the Old man) else how could he tell those very Names, I do confess I call'd my Daughter. Well, Sir, now I know how to be rid of a Knave; I am glad on't; I'le have you Indicted, and arraigned for a Witch, and so I hope to see you burn for your Leachery. His kind Master, seeing the Passion of this peevish piece of antiquity caus'd his man to withdraw, whilst he indeavoured to infuse a better opinion in him to∣wards his Servant, which gave him the convenien∣ce of writing; after Dinner his Master and the old man withdrew into the Hall again, and then (as formerly) he convey'd the Note into the Cape of the Cloak. Was not this an honest Porter think you that would thus constantly carry Letters for Lovers some Miles, and never demand a Penny, Coming home and hanging up his Cloak, accor∣ding to custome, took aside his Sister into the Gar∣den, and there discourst her, telling all that had past between him, his Friend and the Servant; in the mean time the Daughter examined the Cape, and found what she expected, wherein she was infor∣m'd of the passionate carriage of her Father, with his abusive language, and to sweeten all, he plea∣santly related how he was suspected for a Wizard, occasion'd by his happy intelligence.

The old man returning from the Garden fell foul on his Daughter with revilling termes; Dear Father (said she) use your pleasure as to me; call me what you will, though I deserve not the abuse, I will patiently indure it, but do not abuse that honest young man; assure your self he is no Beggers brat,

Thief, Cheat, nor Wizard: Hey day, Hey day, Hey day (cries the old man again) what my Daugh∣ter a Witch too; well, well, since it is so, you shall ene have my consent to be Marryed to a stake to∣gethet, and so you shall have a Bonfire at your Wedding.

These very words she sent back to her Lover in her Fathers Cape, who took an opportunity to take it out, and having read it, waited to meet the old man, who was consulting with his Master, and was by him so fully inform'd as to his Servants esta∣te, his honesty, and industry in his service, with several other things which tended highly to his ad∣vantage, that the old Gentleman was willing to admit of a Parley with his Son-in-Law that must be; and as he was about to speak with lesser anger than before, he was prevented by the young man, say∣ing, Sir, come end your, cruelty all at once, I am ready to accept of that Marriage of the Stake you proposed last Night to your Daughter: if I cannot live with her I love, I shall rejoice to dye with her.

The old man was all amazement, to hear what ere he said at home in private should be known abroad; at length he collecting himself, and having somewhat calm'd his passion, he told the young man since he saw the Stars did fight against him as to this Marriage, he should have his Daughter, condit∣ionally he would tell him how he came by this stran∣ge intelligence, whether the Devil, or his Angels did assist him in it, &c. To this the young man replyed, That he came not to the knowledge of what he said secretly elsewhere, nor his Daughter, but by humane means, and that he would tell him how, so be it he would for give the Person. No, no,

never (cry'd the old man, in a great rage) I will first see him rot in an Hospital, or be Hang'd at Tibourn, and be Damn'd rather than do it▪ Nay then (said the young man) you are to Blame, Sir, to be so uncharitably cruel against your self; for from you, and you only we received this intelligence; you we∣re the Porter, or Messenger that carryed Letters between us: how! how can this be (with much Wonder cry'd the old man); to convince you (said the other) I will now show you a Letter in your Portmantue that this Night by your means will be delivered to your Daughter, and thereupon taking the Cloak he shewed him the rip in the Cape, whe∣rein they mutualy conveighed Letters to each o∣ther.

To be short the old man was infinitely pleas'd with the Stratagem, and in a little time lov'd tho young man more than he hated him formerly, ane gave him his Daughter with a vast some of mond down at the Marriage day, and in less than twelvy months did his Son and Daughter the kindness to leave the world, and leave them all he had.