Versatile ingenium, The Wittie companion, or Jests of all sorts. From citie and countrie, court and universitie. : With an account of the life of the laughing philosopher Democritus of Abder̀a. / By Democritus Junior.

A French Noble-man Cuckolded by his Servants,

IT is customary among the Nobility, and per∣sons of great quality in France to lye in Chambers apart from those of their Ladies. Now there was a Lord (shall be at present nameless) who notwith∣standing his Lady was as eminent a Beauty as most was in France, yet he must (forsooth) follow the humour of the Countrey; now when at any time he had a desire to enjoy the sweet embraces of his lo∣vely consort, rising from his own bed he would steal out in the dark in his Shirt, making no noise, and knocking at his Ladies Chamber dore softly, she knowing his custome gave him admittance; now besides the Mode, he had another reason (as he said) to approve thereof, because it lookt so like whoring. Having performed the necessary and obli∣ging duty of the Marriage Bed, he returned to his

own Chamber there to spend the residue of the Night in an undisturbed repose. One of this Lord's Valet de Chambre's taking notice of this humour, concluded that he might have the same admittance into his Ladies Chamber, and participate of the sa∣me Pleasures by the same means his Masters humour had inculcated into his thoughts. Upon a serious consultation with himself, he concluded that Night best for the accomplishing his Design, in which his Master had visited his Lady; about an hour after he resolved to put his lustful Project in Practice; which he did so well by imitation that he got entrance: Your own thoughts may inform you how they spent the time, without my putting the modest to the extravagant expence of blushes. All I shall say is, That this Fellow performed his part so vi∣gorously and so often, that when he went from her, he left her all wonder and amazement: and that which encreas'd her admiration was not only his profound silence, although she urged him to speak to her with all the melting Rhetorick she could devise, but the coming of her busband twice as she supposed; whilst she was thus ruminating with her self being left alone, her Husband stimu∣lated more than ordinary by some provocatives he had taken the day before, comes and with his acu∣stomed knock and whisper demanded entrance, she knowing her Lords voice arose and let him in; as he was about to prosecute his accustomed enjoy∣ment, his Lady begg'd him to forbear, urging that he was much to blame to be so inordinate in his desires: what (said she) Could not you my Lord (since you find so great an alteration) be content to have out done your self this night by so many repe∣titions, but that you must again expose your body; to the injury of the cold in so short a time again

and coming a third time, in less than two hours? Nay, nay sweet-heart this is but twice, you wrong me indeed said he: To which she replyed, That she was not mistaken, for assuredly it was so often. Hereupon this Gentleman began to pause upon it; and from what he had already heard and gathered from other circumstances he verily believed that he had been abused by one of his Servants; but kept all close from his Lady (for she was a vertuous Gent∣lewoman) to avoid the ill consequences such a dis∣covery might produce. Having laid a while (in which time he studied to divert his Lady as he could) he got up, and being come into his own Chamber he could not rest there long, but putting on his Breeches and a Gown went into all his Male ser∣vants Chambers that were about him, making, along as he went, a strict enquiry with his Nose in every Bed, for it seems this Lady was well sented. There was one of whom he at length might have so∣me grounds of suspition; becanse, besides his com∣plection which never fail'd of ardent inclination to the Female Sex, he was both a handsome and a ve∣ry subtle Fellow, but he could not tell which Bed he lay in; by chance groping up and down in the dark he found his Bed, and pulling up the Cloathes smelt a perfume he was very well acquainted with; and from thence judged this must be the Rogue that had done him this dishonour; wherefore that he might be sure to know him the next day, he took out of his Pocket a pair of Sizers, and snipt off one of his Whiskers, for then it was the Fashion to we∣ar them. This Fellow was awke, and by this knew very well his Master, and his Design, first by smel∣ling, and then by marking him, that he might be known the next day, to prevent which as soon as his Master was gone, he instantly starts up; and

going into all the Chambers aforesaid, cuts off (from every one that had any) that Whisker that was on the same side of the Mouth that his was on, and returns to his own Bed. The Servants getting up next morning, and seeing each others right Whisker gone, stood staring one upon another li∣ke so many distracted Bedlamites, not knowing what to say, or whom to accuse. In short, one that was known sufficiently to be an arch Rogue was suspected, and thereupon some of the more passio∣nate fell upon him and abused him most pitifully, others took his part, by which means they were all engaged by the Ears; at the noise hereof the whole House was alarmed, and running to see what was the matter, they were so surprized with the stran∣geness of such a Comical sight, that laying aside all respect to their Lord and Lady, they laught beyond measure. Sure it must be very pleasant to see two such contrary Passions, in one entire Company, proceeding from one and the same cause. These poor Semi-barbarians finding themselves laught at by their fellows, whom they observed not so abu∣sed as they were, imagining them the Plotters of this mischief, and without examining whether it was so or no, diverted the quarrel among themsel∣ves upon the others. Now did the Combat begin afresh, with more eagerness than before, which caused one to run and tell the Lord, that there was a Civil War Commenced among his Servants, and that if he came not quickly and decided the Contro∣versie their fury would utterly leave him destitute of his present Attendance. Hereupon his Lord∣ship commanded a Cessation of Arms, & com∣manded they should come before him; and having cleansed themselves from the Blood, each Face by Fighting had contracted; (for as they then were,

one Face could hardly be distinguisht from the o∣ther) they appeared before their Lord in the great Hall. In the mean time he ordered his Lady to be there. Upon the appearance of the men, my Lord and Lady were possest with the same different Pas∣sions as their Servants were; for the first was in a Fury to see that Traitor who had abused him; whilst the other fell into the greatest laughter imaginable; after a little time the half Whiskers made a bitter complaint against the whole whiskers, as to the in∣jury they had sustained in the abuse of their beards; the Defendants alledged that they were guiltless of the Fact, and that for their good will in coming to part them they were Assaulted by them. To end the Controversie, in short, said my Lord, it was I that cut off one Whisker, whosoever is the ow∣ner thereof I will have his Head off too for an irre∣parable injury he hath done me; their former pas∣sion was now converted into another of that for fear, so that now their Knees wag'd more then their Hands before; look here (said my Lord) whose re∣maining Whisker matcheth this in Colour, he is the Subject of my revenge. Hereupon Carrats fell on his knees, and beg'd his Pardon, confes∣sing the whole Truth; for this witty indeavour of concealment he gave him his Life with the loss of his Ears, and delivered him over to the abused Se∣miwhiskers who got a blanket and tost him so long in Revenge, that they had like to tost his bones out of his skin, as well as him out of his Lordships service.