Versatile ingenium, The Wittie companion, or Jests of all sorts. From citie and countrie, court and universitie. : With an account of the life of the laughing philosopher Democritus of Abder̀a. / By Democritus Junior.

A PREACHMENT ON MALT.

CErtain Townsmen of Prisal, returning from a merry Meeting at a certain Ale-house, met in the Fields a Preacher, who had lately made a bitter Sermon against Drunkards, and amongst o∣ther opprobrimous words, called them Malt-worms, Wherefore they agreed to take him, and by violen∣ce compel him to Preach a Sermon, and his Text should be MALT: The Preacher thinking it bet∣ter to yield, than contend with them in their cause, began his Sermon as followeth.

There is no Preaching without Division, and this Text cannot well be divided into many parts, because it is but one word, nor into many Sylla∣bles, because it is but one Syllable; It must there∣fore be divided into Letters, and they are found to be four, viz. M, A, L, T, These letters represent four interpretations, which Divines commonly do use thus, M. Moral, A. Allegorical, L. Literal, T. Tropological.

The Moral Interpretation is well put first, and first to teach you boysterous Men some good man∣ners, at least in procuring your attention to the Ser∣mon; Therefore M. Masters, A. All, L. Listen, T. to the Text.

An Allegory is when one thing is spoken, and another thing meant; The thing spoken is Malt, the thing meant is the Oyle of Malt, commonly call'd Ale, which to you Drunkards is so precious, that you account it to he M. Meat, A. Ale, L. Liberty, T. Treasure.

The literal sense is as it hath been often heard of heretofore, so it is true according to the letter, M. Much A. Ale, L. Little, T. Thrift. The Tropological sence applyeth that which now is to somwhat following, either in this world, or in the world to come, the thing that now is, is the effect which Oyle of Malt produceth and worketh in some of you, viz. M. Murther, in others, A. Adul∣tery, in all L. Loose living, in many T. Treason, and that which hereafter followeth, both in this world and in the world to come, is M. Misery, A. Anguish, L. Lamentation, T. Trouble.

I should now come to a conclusion, and withal, to perswade you boysterious men to amend, that so you may escape the danger whereinto many of you are like to fall, but I have no hopes to prevail, be∣cause I plainly see, and my Text as plainly telleth me it is M. to A. that is, a Thousand Pound to a Pot of Ale you will never mend, because all Drunkards are L. Lewd, T. Thieves, but yet for discharging my Conscience and duty, First towards God, and Secondly towards you my Neighbouts, I say once again, concluding with my Text, M. Mend, A. All, and L. Leave, T. Tipling, otherwise, M. Masters, A. All, L. Look for, T. Terrour and Torment.

By this time the Ale wrought in the Townsmens Brains that they were between Hawk and Buzzard, nearer sleeping than waking, which the Preacher perceiving stole away, Leaving them to take their Nap.

IN the year 1641 when Episcopacy was become a subject of debate in Parliament, Mr. Grimstone who form'd this Argument,

• That Bishops are Jure Divino is a Question.
• That Archbishops are not Jure Divino is out of Question.
• That Ministers are Jure Divino there is no Que∣stion.

Now if Bishops, which are question'd, whether Jure Divino, and Arch-Bishops which out of Que∣stion are not Jure Divino, suspend Ministers that are Jure Divino, I leave it to you Mr. Speaker.

Was answered by Mr. Selden thus,

• That the Convocation is Jure Divino is a Que∣stion.
• That Parliaments are not Jure Divino is out of Question.
• That Religion is Jure Divino there is no Que∣stion.

Now Mr. Speaker, that the Convocation which is questioned whether Jure Divino, and Parliaments which out of question are not Jure Divino should medle with Religion which questionless is Jure Di∣vino, I leave to you, Mr. Speaker.

Mr. Grimstons replie.

But Arch-Bishops are no Bishops.

Mr. Seldens Answer.

That's no otherwise true than that Judges are not Lawyers, and Aldermen not Citizens.

The Ideot is wittie to do the poor man right.

A poor begger in Paris being very hungry

stay'd so long in a cooks shop, who was dishing up meat, till his stomach was satisfied merely with the smell thereof: upon which account the chole∣ric cook demanded payment of him: the poor man denied it, and the controversie was referr'd to the deciding of the next man that should pass by, which chanced to be the most notorious Ideot in the whole citie: he on the relation of the matter to the amazement of all persons, most sagaciously and wittiely determin'd, that the poor mans money should be put between two emtie dishes, and the cook should be recompensed with the gingling of the poor mans money, as he was satisfied with the only smell of the cooks meat.

The Dutchmans Mistake.

Dr. P. (one who has been sometimes observed more than ordinary in his performance of Ceremo∣nies in the church) coming into the Arch-Bishops chappel at Lambeth reverendly bowed toward that end of the chappel, where the communion table stands; It happened that a Dutch-man totally un∣acquainted with all such ceremonies, being lodg'd at Lambeth, had all alone wandred into this chappel, and had placed himself not far from the communi∣on-table: so that when the Dr. bowed, he rose up and very lowly bowed again to him; the Dr. bow∣ed the second time, and the third time; and still e∣very bow was returned by the Dutchman with the greatest obeysance and humility imaginable, and when he came home being ask'd where he had been, he replied he had been in the Kerk, and then infi∣nitely magnified the civilities of that person, (whom he describ'd) thinking nothing less than that the Dr. had pay'd so grand a reverence and respect to him.

A Love-Elegie from one of the Five Members to his Paramour, together vvith his repulse in her Ansvver. A. 1642.

Carmen Eroticon ab uno Membrorum quin∣que, ad Dilectissimam suam Amicam D. C. conscriptam.

ILLE ego prognatus de nigrescente caballo, Quem fertur moriens spontè dedisse Pater, En Patrem refero (petulans genus extat equorum) Pronus in amplexus, (diva Corinna) tuos: Ille ego cordate cujus moder amine vobis Nondum clauduntur (Parliamenta) fores, Quem ratis Angliacae Typhin, quem qúis quē popelli Regalis currûs Automedonta vocant, Quique Stuardiadis Caroli diademata vinco, Vincor captivue (pulchra Corinna) tuus. Curribus en jungit binas Cytheraea columbas▪ Cantat Iö victrix, ecce triumphus, ait. En tibi subjectus, jam nunc dedisco rebellem: Quem nequiit piëtas flectere flexit amor. Et licèt haud valeam Dominum tolerare Carollum▪ Te fateor Dominam (sancta Corinna) meam. Ah me Discipulum Veneris plus fulmine sternunt Ex oculi pharetris spicula jacta tuis. Neque tamen regis fasces amor urget habendi, Quàm quibus ingenii sis potienda modis: Aureus in gremium patulum tibi (chara) venirem▪ Ut quondam Danaë Jupiter imbre suae. En tibi submitto jugulum; si jusseris ipsa Sedulus in funes obvia colla dabo: Non me latratu terret canis iste trifauci, Quando concubitum (Lux mea) quaero tuum.

Iphias ô Capaneu non tunc magis arsit amore, Quum fertur rapidis desiliisse rogis; Soepius ad trutinam tua dum voco membra videtur In tete solam multa fluisse Dea, Inque domo menti petulans Cytheraea residit, Inque tuis oculis coesia Pallas adest: Occupat & frontem spaciosam Sospita Juno, Incolit & digitos praevia lucis 〈 in non-Latin alphabet 〉〈 in non-Latin alphabet 〉: Cum subit in mentem nox ista novissima, quando Miscuimus placido membra silenda thoro: O mihimet geminis quoties occurrit ocellis Qualiter & lepidus fronte renidet Amor! Quum memoro leves humeros, habilesque papillas, Ulnas candidulas, & juvenile foemur; (Quod caput est formae) capitis dum cogito formam, Et meditor positam non sine lege comam; Istam praecipuè simulac ego cogito partem, Partem quam verbis indigitare pudet; Ah quo tunc rapior! quantis tunc aestibus uror? Quàm furiis instar pectore soevit amor? Distrahor hinc atque hinc & curas mente voluto, Ut rudis indomito fluctuat unda Mari Millena in mentem subeunt molimina nostram, Dum rabidus meditor qua potes arte capi. Utque saginatus reserato carcere Taurus Obvia cum fuerit crebra Juvenca salit Seu velut in luxum praeceps fuit iste caballus, Qui Matrem passim fertur amasse meam; Sic paritèr totum spirant mea corda Pryapum, Seu mihi per somnum (pulchra puella) subis; Sic me a turgescunt alitèr languentia membra, Seu mihi per mediam tu subis alma diem: Quum fato fungar, sic sic lascivia vitam Auferat; ah placuit sic mihi soepè mori. Nec pudibunda nimis metuas ab amante procari, Foemellas novi soepe fuisse procos;

Pulchra Laërtiaden iterúmque iterúmque Calypso, Heu precibus cassis usque manere rogat: Dardanium juvenem sitiebat Punica Dido: Cynthia cum labiis Endymiona petit, Et licèt agrestem (modo vati credis) Adonin Idaeliam dicunt soepè procâsse Deam: Quanta sit Idalia expendas, & Cynthia quanta; Sunt utraeque Deae, fac imitêre Deas. Tu tamen haud procus es velut hae, sed & ipsa procaris. Solus ago, solùm tu patiâre velim: Sis procul à fastu, neve assimilare Sabinis: At faciles aures tu perhibere velis: Qui si vel nasus vel frons mihi desit eburnea? Murice nec Tyrio subrubuêre genae? Est color incertus, nec tu confide colori, Decipitur pulchro Graja puella viro; Pelle licèt tenebrae dominantur, Lux tamen intus; Vileo si membris, splendeo mente tenus: Quid licèt▪ harmonico careant mea membra tenore? Et malè concinnus quilibet artus erit? At caro pinguescit, mihi sunt & mollia crura, Suráque suppetiit semivieta mihi. Squalidus est oculo, digitis arridet obesus Quod formâ minus est hoc mihi supplet adeps. Millibus ex multis (experto crede) puellis, Gaudia quae mihi fert plurima, pinguis erat: Hoc est in causâ, quod nunc (uxore relictâ) Nostri festinant ad tua rura pedes; Nempe voluptatis nihilum mihi frigida conjux Suppeditat, penè est iste senilis ager: Mandamus tritis semen sine foenore sulcis, Null áque tondetur falcibus inde seges; Sed tuus (ô utinam!) pariat mihi gramina campus, Viderunt agri vix tria lustra tui. Aetas non unquam retrò retro-acta vocatur; Florem, dum florem carpo, Corinna tuum.

Quandocunque tamen nos conveniemus in unum, Corpore molliculo fac sine Teste fruar, Non quasi castratus spado sine Testibus essem, Sed quia lascivum nolo patere torum: Secretis que jocis fac alta silentia praestes; Quum placidum nobis hoc peragetur opus: Nam non privatus sed jam Respublica fio, Et mihi vel coecus quilibet Argus erit: Aptius idcircò cum prima crepuscula lucent, Ad lectum veniam, blanda Corinna, tuum: Et mihi furtivos aditus transenna fenestrae Adstruet, à dextrâ qua patet uda palus: Nuper enim cum nocte thoro convenimus illo, Infidae memini tèr crepuêre fores: Tunc indoctus eram, nunc usu promptior exto: Et magis assiduè jam taciturnus ero; Neve tuus videat Genitor, Custodibus et si (Carceris insontem) Parliamenta dabunt. Mutuò tunc nobis aderit satis ampla voluptas; Quae quoad eveniat, diva Corinna, vale.

The Ladies answer to the praeceeding Love-Poem. Anno 1642.

WHAT, Latin, Sir? why there is no man That e're thought you an English Roman. Your Father horse could teach you none, Nor was it e're your Mother tongue: Your Education too assures Me, that your poem is not yours: Besides I thought you did detest The language of the Latine beast; But now your impudence I see Did hereby shew its modestie; Each sillable would blush you thought, If it had been plain English taught.

And that your foul debauched stuff Might do its errand fast enough. Forsooth its wisdome thought it meet, That words might run to give'em feet. Pardon me, Sir, I'm none of those That love Love-verse, give me your Prose. I wish each verse to make delay Had turn'd lame Scazon by the way; I read an hell in every line of your polluted Fescennine. Your verses stunck, to keep 'em sweet, You should have put socks on their feet' And that the answer which I shall Now write may be methodical, I'le briefly make, 'tis not amiss, An Anacephalaeosis. And first I look'd for Nestor, when Meer Cupid trickles from your pen; Who was your father you make proof By your Coults tooth though not your hoof. She that was great with you you hold Did not lie in, but was with fold. I wonder one so old, so grave, Should yet such youth, such lightness have; Of the five members you alone Shall be esteem'd the Privy one; Who (like the Gnosticks) preach, your text, Increase and multiplie; and next Convincing Doctrines you deduce, Put out the lights and so make use. You say I am a Maid exceeding Apt to be taught by you good breeding, But where there's Breeding, it is said, There's none, unless a broken maid: Turn Papist, Stallion, they'l dispense With whoredome by an Indulgence:

Turn Friar, that thou mayst be free At once with a whole Nunnerie, There 'twill be vertue to ride on The purple Whore of Babylon. Thou mayst as soon be Turk as King; And that, ô that's the tempting thing: Then thou mayst glut thy appetite With a Seraglio of delight. I am no Proserpine, that thus I should desire an Incubus: But you must vote (if me you'll win) No Fornication to be sin. You say the house takes it not well, The King 'gainst Rebels should rebel; And that's the reason why you stand To be Dictator of the land; Which put me to a mighty toil Of getting verdigrease and oil; 'Cause such Itch-medicine is a thing That's fittest to annoint you King. You say you'ld undergo and do Wonders, would I undergo you: For my sake you would Cobler play, Your trade should be to under-lay. For me you'd spend your chiefest Blood. Pray spend it on the Sister-hood. You wish to die in those great fights Of Venus, where each wound delights: And should I once to heav'n take wing You'ld follow me, though in a String; Thank you good Sir, it is our will, You your last promise do fullfill. There's nothing spoke that pleaseth us, Like your in funes sedulus. Next come those idle twittle twats, Which call me many God knows whats;

As hallow'd, beautifull and fair, Supple and kind and debonair: You talk of women that did woe, When I am mad I'll do so too; Then that my father may not spie The coupleing of you and I, He shall be guiltlesly detected As a true Subject ill-affected, And so the Protestant shall lie In goal for fear of Poperie. Such fancies as these I've thought best Should punish'd be by being press'd. And that this Body Politick May then be well, which lies now sick. May the Greek Π that fatal Tree This Spring bear all such fruit as Thee.

Eoemina, ex omni parte, Formosa.

TRiginta haec habeat quae vult formosa vocari Foemina, sic Helenam fama fuisse refert; Alba tria, totidem nigra, tria rubra, puella Tres habeat longas, tres totidemque breves, Tres crassas, totidemque graciles, tria stricta, tot ampla Sint ibidem huic formae, sint quoque parva tria: Alba cutis, nivei dentes, albique capilli; Nigri Oculi, Cunnus, nigra Supercilia; Labra, Genae, atque ungues rubri; sit corpore longa▪ Et longi Crines, sit quoque longa Manus; Sintque breves dentes, auris, pes; Pectora lata, Et clunes, distent ipsa Supercilia; Cunnus & os strictum, stringunt ubi cingula stricta; Sint coxae, & collus, vulva que turgidula, Subtiles digiti, crines & labra puellis; Parvus sit nasus, parva Mamilla, caput. Cum nullae aut rarae sint hae, formosa vocari Nulla puëlla potest, rara puëlla potest.

The Roman-Catholic Ballad; or an Invitation to Poperie, upon considerable grounds and reasons.

To the tune of 88.

SInce Popery of late is so much in debate And great striveings have been to restore it, I cannot forbear, openly to declare That the Ballad-makers are for it.

We'l dispute no more, these Heretical men Have expos'd our books unto laughter, So that many do say, it will be our best way To sing for the cause hereafter.

O the Catholic cause! now assist me my muse How earnestly do I desire thee! Neither will I pray, to S. Bridget to day But only to thee to inspire me.

Whence should purity come but from Ca∣tholic Rome? I wonder much at their folly; For St. Peter was there, And left an old chair Enough to make all the world holy.

For this sacred old wood, is so excellent good, If Tradition may be believed, That whoever sits there,, needs never more fear The danger of being decieved. If the devil him self should (God bless us) get up,

Though his nature we know be evil, Yet whilst he sate there, as divers will swear, He would be an infallible devil:

Now who sits in this Seat but our Father the Pope? So that here's a plain Demonstration, As clear as noon-day, we are in the right way, And all others are doom'd to damnation. If this will not suffice, yet to open your eyes, Which are blinded with bad education, We have Arguments plentie, and miracles twentie, Enough to convince a whole nation:

If you give but good heed, you shall see the Host bleed, And if any thing can perswade ye, An Image shall speak, or at last it shall squeak In the honour of our Lady:

You shall see without doubt, the devil cast out, As of old by Erra Pater. He shall skip about and tear, like a dance∣ing bear, When he feels the Holy water.

If yet doubtfull ye are, we have Reliques most rare, We can shew you the sacred manger Several loads of the cross, as good as e're was To preserve your souls from danger.

Should I tell you of all 'twould move a stone wall,

But I spare you a little for pittie, That each one may prepare,, to rub up his ear For the second part of my ditty.

The second part to the same Tune.

NOW listen again to those things that remain, They are matters of weight I assure you; And the first thing I say,, throw your Bibles away, 'Tis impossible else for to cure you.

O that pestilent book! never on it more look I wish I could speak it out louder, It has don more men harm,, I dare boldly af∣firm, Than th' invention of guns and powder;

As for matters of faith believe what the church sayth, But for Scripture leave that to the learned, For these are edg tooles,, and you lay men are fools, If you touch them you are sure to be harmed:

But pray what is it for you make all this stir? You must read, you must hear and be learned; If you'l be on our part,, we will teach you an Art, That you need not be so much concerned.

Be the Churches good son, and your work is half don,

After that you may do your own pleasure. If your Beads you can tell, and say your Ave Mary well, Neuer doubt of the heavenly treasure.

For the Pope keeps the keys; and can do what he please, And without all peradventure, If you can not at the fore, yet at the back dore of Indulgence you may enter:

But first by the way, you must make a short stay, At a place call'd Purgatory, Which the learned us tell,, in the buildings of Hell, Is about the midlemost story.

'Tis a monstrous hot place, and a mark of disgrace, In the torment on't long to endure, None are kept there but fools,, and poor pitty∣full souls, Who can no ready money procure:

For a handsome round summ, you may quickly be gon, For the church has wisely ordein'd, That they who build crosses,, and pay well for Masses, Should not there be too long detein'd:

So that 'tis a plain case as the nose on ones face We are in the surest condition, And none but mere fools,, and some nigardly owls,

Need fall into utter perdition

What aileth ye then ye great and rich men, That ye will not hearken to reason, Since as long as ye have pence, ye need scruple no offence, Be it murder, adulterie, treason.

And ye sweet natur'd Women, who hold all things common, My addresses to you are most hearty, And to give ye your due, ye are to us most tru And I hope we shall gain the whole party;

If you happen to fall, your Penance shall be small, And altho ye cannot forego it, We have for ye a cure, if this ye be sure, To confess before ye go to it:

There is one reason yet, which I cannot omit To those who affect the French nation, Hereby we advance▪, the Religion of France, The Religion that's only in fashion.

If these reasons prevale, (as how can they fail) To have Popery entertain'd, Ye cannot conceive, and will hardly believe What Benefits hence may be gain'd;

For the Pope shall us bless, (that's no small happiness) And again we shall see restored The Italian trade, which formerly made This land to be so much adored: O the Pictures and rings, the Beads and fine things,

The good words as sweet as honey, All this and much more, shall be brought to our door, For a little dull English money.

Then shall traffic and love, and what ever can move, Be restor'd again to our Brittain, And learning so common, that every old wo∣man, Shall say her Prayers in Latin.

Then the church shall bear sway, and the state shall obey, Which is now look'd upon as a wonder, And the proudest of Kings, and all temporal things Shall submit and truckle under;

And the Parliament too, who have taken us to do And have handled us with so much terror, May chance on that score, ('tis no time to say more) They may chance to ackowledg their error.

If any man yet shall have so little wit, As still to be refractory, I swear by the mass, he is a mere Ass, And so there's an end of a story.

(1.)

A Young Lady having of a long time had a des∣ire to have her Picture drawn by an excellent Limner, sent for him, and told him, That for as much as she had heard he was an excellent Artist, she desired he would draw her to the life, as she was, a Maid, and exactly of the same stature. The Painter having used the utmost of his Art to resem∣ble her Features to the life, brought home the Pie∣ce; in the which she could find no fault, except that he had drawn her a little less than she was. Oh Madam, said he, Posterity would never believe my Draught, had I made you any taller; for 'tis very rare in this Age, to find a Maid so bigg.

(2.)

A Countrey Fellow being set upon by a Mastiff, kill'd him with his Pitchfork, the owner of the Dog demanded satisfaction, and brought him before the Justice: But still the Clown pleaded he did it in his own defence. Nevertheless you ought, said the Ju∣stice, to have struck him with the other end of your Staf. Truly so I would, said the Peasant, had he run at me with his Tail.

(3.)

A Taylor that was ever accustomed to steal some of the Cloth his Customer brought, when he came one day to make himself a Suit, stole half a yard; his Wife perceiving it, asked the reason; Oh, said he, 'tis to keep my hands in use, least at any time I should forget it.

4.

A Scholar that fancy'd himself to sing well, not∣withstanding

he had a very hoarse voice; having often observed that a poor woman was used to cry when she heard him sing, asked her at last the rea∣son. Truly Sir, said she, when through poverty I had sold all my goods, and had nothing left but a poor Ass, at last I lost my Ass, and I never hear you sing, but you put me in mind of it.

(5.)

A Gentleman passing by, a poor man asked alms of him; whereupon the Gentleman asked him what he lived upon? Sir, said he, I can make no an∣swer to that; but had you asked me what I die of? I should have told you of hunger.

(6.)

A Gentleman playing a Game at Tables in a Chamber in Fleet-street, four stories high, had so ordered his Game, that no chance of the Dice could lose it but one; yet it so happen'd that that chance came; whereupon he grew so passionate, that brin∣ging down the Tables into the Street, he made a stop, and asking the next Gentleman that came if he understood the Game, the Gentleman said he did; Then pray Sir, said he, what do you think could lose me the Game? then pausing a little, I think the∣re's nothing but such a chance. Why then, said the passionate Gamester, God dam me, if I have not thrown it.

(7.)

A Stranger being much necessiated, as he walked into the City, to do that no one could do for him; and being in a place far from any of his acquaintan∣ces, and void of convenience for that purpose, went into an Upholsters Shop, and asked the Man to

shew him a Close-Stool, which being done, he asked if he had no better; Yes Sir, we have, said he, all of coloured Velvet: Go then, said he, and fetch two or three; in the mean time he let down his Bree∣ches and sate down; the Upholsterer seeing him in that posture, asked him, What he did? I am trying it, said he, and pulling up his Breeches, I will ha∣ve none of them, they are all too low.

(8.)

Pace the bitter Fool, was not suffered to come at the Queen, because of his bitter humor, yet at last some pressed the Queen that he should come to her; undertaking for him that he should keep compass, so he was brought to her, and the Queen said, Come on Pace, now we shall hear of our faults. Saith Pace, I do not use to talk of that, which all the Town talks of.

(9.)

One rode furiously among some Quakers that stood in a yard, hearing the Speaker from the top of the Barn, and being rebuked by a Brother, Why should not my Horse, said he, have to do here at the meeting, as well as the rest of the Asses.

(10.)

Several persons of several Callings, being invi∣ted to a Feast, it happen'd that amongst the rest, there came an old Grammarian, not altogether ar∣rayed after the mode, nor cloathed so well, as ma∣ny young Gallants that were there; this gave occasion when the Wine had made every man's tongue free to speak his mind, that a young Spark, to put a jest upon the old Grammarian, said, Pray Sir, since I know you to be well skill à in Genealogy, who was the Father of Peleus? to which he answered, Tell me first if you can, who was yours?

(11.)

When the Trojans sent Ambassadours to Tiber∣ius, to condole the death of his Father Augustus, a long time after he was dead; the Emperour consi∣dering the unseasonableness of it, requited them accordingly, saying, And I am sorry for your hea∣viness, having lost so valiant a Knight as Hector; who was slain above a thousand years before.

(12.)

A poor but witty lad, brought up to the Univer∣sity, and admitted in a Colledge, could not go to the price of a new pair of Shoos; but when his old ones were worn out at the toes, had them capt with Leather; whereupon his Companions began to jeer him for so doing: Why, said he, must they not be capt, are they not fellows?

(13.)

A learned Gentlewoman put a Question to a young Scholar, which was, Why the Infinitive was next to the Optative? of which he said, Because we never make an end of desiring.

(14.)

One lighting a Candle, and striving to slick it in a Candlestick, it often fell out of the Socket, at which he said in choller, That he thought the Devil did possess the Candle. Why do you wonder, said his Companion, it cannot stand? Do you not see that 't is light-headed?

(15.)

Two Fellows going with a present to a covetous Man, one of them said they should but lose their

labour; well says t'other, I'll hold you a Crown that we shall get there both Meat, Drink and Mo∣ney; Done, says t'other: and being come thither, one of them told him that he was very dry, then he bid them go down into the Celler; and when they came there, he told the Butler, that he could not drink without eating; then the Butler went up and told his Master of it, who bid him set a cold Pasty before them; of which they eat plentifully: and when they had fill'd their Bellies, they both went to the Master to take their leaves of him (also expecting some gratuity) which when they saw not appearing, says one of them boldly, Pray Sir what shall we say to my Master if he should ask us what you gave us: which put him to a stand for a while, at last he gave them half a Crown: so the fellow won his wager.

(16.)

A Cavalier in Oxford-shire, that was very zealous in his loyalty for his Prince, and had suffered very much for it; and once meeting with some of the Rumpish Officers at Oxford, says one of them to him, God save you Noble Squire, and you, says he, if it be possible:

(17.)

A Confident and Impudent Fellow had the fa∣culty of enveighing against all Persons of his ac∣quaintance, but only one; which made another ask him, why he did not enveigh against him also: No, says he, by no means; for he has the property of a Tennis-Ball, that will rebound back again and retort; for you know as well as I, that Crows de not sit upon Dogs Backs, but upon the Sheeps: so that if a Man will make himself a Sheep, the Crows will crow over him, and will pull the Wooll off his Back to.

(18.)

A mad hare-brain'd Countrey Fellow, came to a great Lady that was his Landlady, to tell her that his Wife was brought to Bed: Faith 'tis true Ma∣dam, says he: How brought to Bed, says my La∣dy, what was she Drunk or Sick; no, no, Ma∣dam, I mean she has a Child: O, says my Lady, now I understand you: Well then, says she, what has God sent her; Faith, says he, nothing as I know of; I don't believe she ever heard from him in her life: Puh, says the Lady, I mean has she a Boy or a Girl: Od'ye mean so forsooth Madam; why guess then, says he: 'tis a Boy, says My Lady, no vaith Madam guess again; why a Girl, says she: Faith Madam I think in my Conscience you are a Witch, 'tis a Girl indeed.

(19.)

An English Man and a Scotch Man were both in the hold of a Ship together, in the last Ingage∣ment at Sea, and as they were in the heat of the Fight, says the English man to him, Come lets go up and partake with our Brethren in the Fight, and not stand here like drones and do nothing: Be God, says he, we aw my heart; and as the English Man led the way, when he was half way up, a great Bul∣let came in and cut him just in two in the middle: Uds bred, says the Scotch Man, What the deel dost gang up to fight and leave thy Arse behind thee.

(20.)

A great Divine being extreamly Sick, a Physi∣cian was sent to him, and when he came, he askt him the cause of his Distemper: and finding the Physician to falter much in his discourse, he told

him plainly he'd take none of his Physick: For, says he, is he be not able to shew me the cause, I am sure he is less able to take it away: and so had him turnd out

(21.)

A Woman in the Country having lost abundan∣ce of Linnen off her Hedge, but could not imagine who was the Thief, so she went to a sober Gentle∣man, whom she took to be an Astrologer; to des∣ire him to help her to her Linnen again; then he took her up into his Chamber and bid her lie down upon the Bed, and when he knew her as well as her Hus∣band, he told her he would tell her more: What, says she, d'ye intend to make me a Whore, Why yes, says he, why should not I make you a Whore as well as you make me a Witch.

(22.)

A Clown in Flanders had a very pritty Woman to his Wife, and both came to an Inne six miles from Gaunt that night, and a lusty Spanish Soul∣dier happened to lie there that night also, and when they were both in Bed, he seeing she was handso∣me, made up the number three in the Bed, without saying by your leave; and the Woman it seems lay in the middle; and the Clown hearing the Soul∣dier, as he thought something too bold with his Wife; durst not speak at first; at last he took a cou∣rage (for you must know he was wonderful valiant) and bid her desire the Spaniard to lie still, and she being a very discreet and good natur'd Woman and to avoid any further quarrelling: said, Sweet Husband, you know I can't speak Spanish, but let me entreat you to rise and go to the Sexton, for he speaks Spanish very well: So the good man follo∣wed his dear Wives advice and rose and went to

him; and what was done then is quite out of my head now; but before he came back the Spaniard was gone, which when he perceiv'd he began to domineer: swearing if he had him here how he would cudgel the Rogue, for troubling of them so that night: In truth Husband, says she, (very discreetly) I am heartily glad you did not come whi∣le he was here, for in your anger I am sure you'd a kill'd him; and I know you are very desperate: But prithee sweet-heart, says he, how long did he stay when I was gone; truly Husband, says she, you were scarce out 'oth door but he ran away: Well, says he, I can't chuse but laugh to see how I have scar'd him; you see what comes of pollicy and discre∣tion now; for if I had been hasty, the Rogue might have kill'd me for ought I know, and then what wouldst thou have done for such a good Husband again my dear. Truly Husband, says she, 't was best as 't is, and I am very well pleas'd with what was done.

(23.)

An English Merchant told a handsome Venetian Curtesan that for all her subtilty and Beauty, he would lay a wager with her of Forty Crowns, that she could not tempt such a Man to her embraces, and yet she should lie with him all night: Well, says she, lay down the Forty Crowns I'll venture it; which she did, and yet notwithstanding all her In∣ticements, she could prevail nothing with him: in the morning she was askt whether she had lost or not, she ingeniously confess'd she had lost one way but not another: For, says she, you told me I should lie with a Man, but I found that I lay with a Sto∣ne.

(24.)

A Gallan it seems upon a time cast his eye upon precise Mistriss Temperance, a Feather-makers Wi∣fe, and after a little conference, swore he would lie with her: What, says she, can't you glance upon a modest Woman as I am, but you must covet; indeed Brother I must chide you for it: Well, says she, but that I am tender of Oaths, and would be loath to have you break yours, for the Oaths sake I am willing to consent to you at present; but otherwise I profess I would not do it, if you'd give me a thousand pound.

(25.)

One was asking why Monks and Friers were cal∣l'd Holy Fathers? another that was there told him there was a great deal of reason for it; in regard of the multitude of Bastards they do yearly get in all places: which shews indeed they are wholly Fa∣thers.

(26.)

One told one with a Red-face, that his face was dispark'd 'cause there was no pale: Though the∣re's no pale, says he, yet there's good store of Red∣dear; viz. Dear red.

(27.)

One hearing the Story of S. George that kill'd the Dragon, said, sure 't was a lye: Nay, some believe there was never a S. George nor a Dragon; pray God there be a Maid then, says a simple Fellow.

FINIS.