The first [second] book of the works of Mr. Francis Rabelais, Doctor in Physick, containing five books of the lives, heroick deeds, and sayings of Gargantua, and his sonne Pantagruel. Together with the Pantagrueline prognostication, the oracle of the divine Bachus, and response of the bottle. Hereunto are annexed the navigations unto the sounding isle, and the isle of the Apedests: as likewise the philosophical cream with a Limosm epistle. / All done by Mr. Francis Rabelais, in the French tongue, and now faithfully translated into English.

CHAP. I. Of the Genealogy and Antiquity of GAR GANTUA.

I Must referre you to the great Chronicle of Pantagruel for the knowledge of that Genealogy, and Antiquity of race by which Gargantua is come unto us; in it you may understand more at large how the Giants were born in this world, and how from them by a direct line issued Gargantua the father of Pantagruel: and do not take it ill, if for this time I passe by it, although the subject be such, that the oftener it were remember∣ed, the more it would please your worship∣full Seniorias; according to which you have the authority of Plato in Philebo and Gorgias; and of Flaccus, who saies that there are some kindes of purposes (such as these are without doubt) which the frequentlier they be repeat∣ed, still prove the more delectable.

Would to God every one had as certaine knowledge of his Genealogy since the time of the Arke of Noah untill this age. I think many are at this day Emperours, Kings, Dukes, Princes, and Popes on the earth,

whose extraction is from some porters, and pardon-pedlars, as on the contrary, many are now poor wandring beggars, wretched and miserable, who are descended of the blood and lineage of great Kings and Emperours, occasioned (as I conceive it) by the transport and revolution of Kingdomes and Empires from the Assyrians to the Medes, from the Medes to the Persians, from the Persians to the Macedonians, from the Macedonians to the Romans, from the Romans to the Greeks, from the Greeks to the French, &c.

And to give you some hint concerning my self, who speaks unto you, I cannot think but I am come of the race of some rich King or Prince in former times, for never yet saw you any man that had a greater desire to be a King, and to be rich, then I have; and that onely that I may make good chear, do no∣thing, nor care forany thing, and plentifully enrich my friends, and all honest and learned men: but herein do I comfort my self, that in the other world I shall be so, yea and great∣er too then at this present I dare wish: as for you, with the same or a better conceit conso∣late your selves in your distresses, and drink fresh if you can come by it.

To returne to our weathers, I say, that by the sovereign gift of heaven, the Antiquity and Genealogy of Gargantua hath been re∣served for our use more full and perfect then

any other except that of the Messias, whereof I mean not to speak; for it belongs not unto my purpose, and the Devils (that is to say) the false accusers, and dissembled gospellers will therein oppose me. This Genealogy was found by John Andrew in a meadow, which he had near the Pole-arch, under the Olive-tree, as you go to Marsay: where, as he was making cast up some ditches, the dig∣gers with their mattocks struck against a great brazen tomb, and unmeasurably long, for they could never finde the end thereof, by reason that it entered too farre within the Sluces of Vienne; opening this Tomb in a certain place thereof, sealed on the top with the mark of a goblet, about which was writ∣ten in Hetrurian letters HIC BIBI∣TUR; They found nine Flaggons set in such order as they use to ranke their kyles in Gasconie, of which that which was placed in the middle, had under it a big, fat, great, gray, pretty, small, mouldy, little pamphlet, smelling stronger, but no better then Roses. In that book the said Genealogy was found written all at length, in a Chancery hand, not in paper, not in parchment, nor in wax, but in the bark of an elme-tree, yet so worne with the long tract of time, that hardly could three letters together be there perfectly dis∣cerned.

I (though unworthy) was sent for thither,

and with much help of those Spectacles, whereby the art of reading dim writings, and letters that do not clearly appear to the sight, is practised, as Aristotle teacheth it, did translate the book as you may see in your pantagruelising, that is to say, in drink∣ing stifly to your own hearts desire; and read∣ing the dreadful and horrifick acts of Pan∣tagruel: at the end of the book there was a little Treatise entituled the Antidoted Fan∣freluches, or a Galimatia of extravagant con∣ceits. The rats and mothes, or (that I may not lie) other wicked beasts, had nibled off the beginning, the rest I have hereto sub∣joyned, for the reverence I beare to anti∣quity.

THE Antidoted Fanfreluches: Or, A Galimatia of extravagant conceits found in an ancient Monument.

No sooner did the Cymbrians overcommer Pass through the air to shun the dew of summer But at his coming streight great tubs were fill'd; With pure fresh Butter down in showers distill'd Wherewith when water'd was his Grandam heigh A loud he cryed, Fish it, Sir, I pray ye; Because his beard is almost all beray'd, Or that he would hold to'm a scale he pray'd.

To lick his slipper, some told was much better, Then to gaine pardons and the merit greater, In th'interim a crafty chuff approaches, From the depth issued, where they fish for Roches; Who said, Good sirs, some of them let us save, The Eele is here, and in this hollow cave You'll finde, if that our looks on it demurre, A great wast in the bottome of his furre.

To read this Chapter when he did begin, Nothingbut a calves hornes were found therein; I feel (quoth he) the Miter which doth hold My head so chill, it makes my braines take cold. Being with the perfume of a Turnup warm'd, To stay by chimney hearths himself he arm'd, Provided that a new thill horse they made Of every person of a hair-braind head.

They talked of the bunghole of Saint Knowles, Of Gilbathar and thousand other holes; If they might be reduc'd t' a scarry stuffe, Such as might not be subject to the cough: Since ev'ry man unseemly did it finde, To see them gaping thus at ev'ry winde: For if perhaps they handsomely were clos'd For pledges they to men might be expos'd.

In this arrest by Hercules the Raven Was flayd at her returne from Lybia haven, Why am not I said Minos there invited, Unlesse it be my self not one's omitted: And then it is their minde I do no more Of Frogs and Oysters send them any store; In case they spare my life and prove but civil, I give their sale of distaffs to the Devil.

To quell him comes Q. R. who limping frets At the safe passe of trixie Crackarets, The boulter, the grand Cyclops cousin, those Did massacre whil'st each one wip'd his nose;

Few ingles in this fallow ground are bred, But on a Tanners mill are winnowed: Run thither all of you th' alarmes sound clear, You shall have more then you had the last year.

Short while thereafter was the bird of Jove Resolv'd to speak, though dismal it should prove; Yet was afraid when he saw them in ire, They should or'throw quite flat down dead th'empire He rather chus'd the fire from heaven to steale, To boats where were red Herrings put to sale; Then to be calm 'gainst those who strive to brave us, And to the Massorets fond words enslave us.

All this at last concluded galantly, In spight of Ate and her Hern-like thigh, Who sitting saw Penthesilea tane, In her old age for a cresse-selling quean: Each one cry'd out thou filthy Collier toad, Doth it become thee to be found abroad? Thou hast the Roman Standard filtch'd away, Which they in rags of parchment did display.

Juno was borne who under the Rainbow, Was a bird-catching with her Duck below: When her with such a grievous trick they plyed That she had almost been bethwacked by it: The bargain was that of that throat full she Should of Proserpina have two egges free; And if that she thereafter should be found, She to a Haw-thorn hill should be fast bound.

Seven moneths thereafter lacking twenty two, He that of old did Carthage town undo: Did bravely midd'st them all himself advance, Requiring of them his inheritance; Although they justly made up the division, According to the shoe-welt-lawes decision; By distributing store of brews and beef To those poor fellows that did pen the Brief.

But th' year will come signe of a Turkish Bowe, Five spindles yarnd, and three pot-bottomes too, Wherein of a discourteous King the dock Shall pepper'd be under an Hermits frock, Ah that for one she hypocrite you must Permit so many acres to be lost: Cease, cease, this vizard may become another, Withdraw your selves unto the Serpents brother.

'Tis in times past that he who is shall reigne With his good friends in peace now and againe; No rash nor heady Prince shall then rule crave, Each good will its arbitrement shall have: And the joy promised of old as doome To the heavens guests shall in its beacon come: Then shall the breeding mares that benumm'd were Like royall palfreys ride triumphant there.

And this continue shall from time to time, Till Mars be fettred for an unknown crime, Then shall one come who others will surpasse, Delightful, pleasing, matchlesse, full of grace;

Chear up your hearts, approach to this repast, All trusty friends of mine for hee's deceast, Who would not for a world return againe, So highly shall time past be cri'd up then.

He who was made of waxe shall lodge each member Close by the hinges of a block of timber: We then no more shall master master whoot The swagger who th'alarum bell holds out; Could one seaze on the dagger which he bears, Heads would be free from tingling in the eares To baffle the whole storehouse of abuses, And thus farewell Apollo and the Muses.

CHAP. III. How Gargantua was carried eleven moneths in his mothers belly.

GRangousier was a good fellow in his time, and notable jester; he loved to drink neat, as much as any man that then was in the world, and would willingly eate salt meat: to this intent he was ordinarily well furnished with gammons of Bacon, both of Westphalia, Mayence and Bayone; with store of dried Neats tongues, plenty of Links, Chitterlings and Puddings in their sea∣son; together with salt Beefand mustard, a good deale of hard rows of powdered mullet called Botargos, great provision of Sauciges, not of Bolonia (for he feared the Lombard boccone) but of Bigorre, Lon∣gaulnay, Brene, and Rouargue. In the vigor of his age he married Gargamelle, daughter to the King of the Parpaillons, a jolly pug, and well mouthed wench. These two did often times do the two backed beast together, joy∣fully rubbing & frotting their Bacon 'gainst one another, insofarre, that at last she be∣came great with childe of a faire sonne, and went with him unto the eleventh moneth, for so long, yea longer may a woman carry

her great belly, especially when it is some ma∣ster-piece of nature, and a person predestina∣ted to the performance, in his due time, of great exploits; as Homer saies, that the childe which Neptune begot upon the Nymph, was borne a whole year after the conception, that is, in the twelfth moneth; for as Aulus Gel∣lius saith, libr. 3. this long time was suitable to the majesty of Neptune, that in it the childe might receive his perfect forme: for the like reason Jupiter made the night, wherein he lay with Alcmena, last fourty eight houres, a shorter time not being suffi∣cient for the forging of Hercules, who cleansed the world of the Monstres and Ty∣rants, wherewith it was supprest. My masters, the ancient pantagruelists have confirmed that which I say, and withall declared it to be not onely possible, but also maintained the lawful birth and legitimation of the in∣fant borne of a woman in the eleventh moneth after the decease of her husband, Hypocrates, lib. de alimento. Plinius lib. 2. cap. 5. Plautus in his Cistellaria. Marcus Varo in his Satyr inscribed, The Testament, alledg∣ing to this purpose the authority of Aristotle. Censorinus lib. de die natali. Arist. lib. 2. cap. 3. & 4. de natura animalium. Gellius lib. 3. cap. 16. Servius in his exposition upon this verse of Virgils Eclogues, Matri longa de∣cem. &c. and a thousand other fooles whose

number hath been increased by the Law∣yers. ff. de suis & Leg. intestato paragrapho sin. and in Auth. de restitu. & ea quae patit in xi mense; moreover upon these grounds they have foysted in their Robidilardick, or Lapiturolive Law. Gallus ff. de libr. & posth. L. sept. ff. de stat. hom. And some o∣ther Lawes which at this time I dare not name; by means whereof the honest widows may without danger play at the close but∣tock game with might and maine, and as hard as they can for the space of the first two moneths after the decease of their husbands. I pray you, my good lusty springal lads, if you finde any of these females, that are worth the paines of untying the cod-peece-point, get up, ride upon them, and bring them to me; for if they happen within the third moneth to conceive, the childe shall be heire to the deceased, if before he died he had no other children, and the mother shall passe for an honest woman.

When she is known to have conceived, thrust forward boldly, spare her not what∣ever betide you, seeing the paunch is full; as Julia the daughter of the Emperour Octa∣vian never prostituted her self to her belly-bumpers, but when she found her self with childe, after the manner of Ships that receive not their steers-man, till they have their ballast and lading; and if any blame them

for this their rataconniculation, and re∣iterated lechery upon their pregnancy and big-belliednesse, seeing beasts in the like exigent of their fulnesse, will never suffer the male-masculant to incroach them: their answer will be, that those are beasts, but they are women, very well skilled in the pretty vales, and small fees of the pleasant trade and mysteries of superfetation, as Populius heretofore answered, according to the re∣lation of Macrobius lib. 2. Saturnal. If the Devill will not have them to bagge, he must wring hard the spigot, and stop the bung∣hole.

CHAP. IV. How Gargamelle, being great with Gargan∣tua, did eate a huge deale of tripes.

THe occasion and manner how Garga∣melle was brought to bed, and deliver∣ed of her childe, was thus: and if you do not beleeve it, I wish your bum-gut fall out, and make an escapade, her bum-gut in∣deed or fundament escaped her in an after∣noone, on the third day of February, with having eaten at dinner too many Godebillios, Godebillios are the fat tripes of coiros, coiros are beeves fatned at the cratch in Oxe stalls, or in the fresh guimo meadows, guimo mea∣dows are those that for their fruitfulnesse may be mowed twice a year: of those fat beeves they had killed three hundred sixty seven thousand and fourteen, to be salted at Shrovetide, that in the entring of the Spring they might have plenty of poudred beef wherewith to season their mouths at the be∣ginning of their meales, and to taste their wine the better.

They had abundance of tripes as you have heard, and they were so delicious, that every one licked his fingers, but the mischife was

this, that for all men could do, there was no possibility to keep them long in that relish; for in a very short while they would have stunk, which had been an undecent thing: it was therefore concluded, that they should be all of them gulched up, without losing any thing; to this effect they invited all the Burguers of Sainais, of Suille, of the Roche clermand, of Vaugaudry, without omitting the Boudray, Monpensier, the Guedevede, and other their neighbours, all stiffe drinkers, brave fellows, and good players at the kyles. The good man Grangousier took great plea∣sure in their company, and commanded there should be no want nor pinching for any thing: neverthelesse he bade his wife eate sparingly, because she was near her time, and that these tripes were no very commendable meat: they would faine (said he) be at the chewing of ordure, that would eat the case wherein it was. Notwithstanding these ad∣monitions, she did eate sixteen quarters, two bushels, three pecks and a pipkin full: O the fair fecality wherewith she swelled, by the in∣grediency of such shitten stuffe; after din∣ner they all went out in a hurle, to the grove of the willows, where on the green grasse, to the sound of the merry Flutes, and plea∣sant Bagpipes, they danced so gallantly, that it was a sweet and heavenly sport to see them so frolick.

CHAP. V. The discourse of the drinkers.

THen did they fall upon the chat of victuals and some belly furniture to be snatched at in the very same place, which pur∣pose was no sooner mentioned, but forth∣with began flaggons to go, gammons to trot, goblets to fly, great bowles to ting, glasses to ring, draw, reach, fill, mixe, give it me without water, so my friend, so, whip me off this glasse neatly, bring me hither some cla∣ret, a full weeping glasse till it run over, a∣cessation and truce with thirst. Ha thou false Fever, wilt thou not be gone? by my figgins, godmother, I cannot as yet enter in the hu∣mour of being merry, nor drink so currant∣ly as I would, you have catch'd a cold gamer, yea forsooth Sir; by the belly of Sanct Buf let us talk of our drink, I never drink but at my hours, like the Popes Mule, and I never drink but in my breviary, like a faire father Gardien. Which was first, thirst or drinking? Thirst, for who in the time of innocence would have drunk without being athirst? nay, Sir, it was drinking; for privatio praesup∣ponit habitum. I am learned you see, Foe∣cundi

calices quem non fecere disertum? we poor innocents drink but too much without thirst: not I truly, who am a sinner, for I never drink without thirst, either present or future, to prevent it, (as you know) I drink for the thirst to come; I drink eternally, this is to me an eternity of drinking, and drink∣ing of eternity; let us sing, let us drink, and tune up our round-lays; where is my funnel? what, it seems I do not drink but by an At∣tourney? do you wet your selves to dry, or do you dry to wet you? pish, I understand not the Rhethorick (Theorick I should say) but I help my self somewhat by the pra∣ctice. Baste enough, I sup, I wet, I humect, I moisten my gullet, I drink, and all for fear of dying; drink alwayes and you shall never die: If I drink not, I am a ground dry, gra∣velled and spent, I am stark dead without drink, and my soul ready to flie into some marish amongst Frogs; the soul never dwells in a dry place, drouth kills it. O you but∣lers, creators of new formes, make me of no drinker a drinker, a perennity and everlast∣ingnesse of sprinkling, and bedewing me through these my parched and sinnewy bowels; he drinks in vaine that feels not the pleasure of it: this entereth into my veines, the pissing tooles and urinal vessels shall have nothing of it. I would willingly wash the tripes of the calf, which I apparelled this

morning. I have pretty well now balasted my stomach, and stuft my paunch: if the pa∣pers of my bonds and bills could drink as well as I do, my creditors would not want for wine when they come to see me, or when they are to make any formal exhibition of their rights to what of me they can demand; this hand of yours spoyles your nose. O how many other such will enter here before this go out, what, drink so shallow, it is enough to break both girds and pettrel, this is called a cup of dissimulation, or flaggonal hypo∣crisie.

What difference is there between a bottle * 1.1 and a flaggon? great difference, for the bot∣tle is stopped and shut up with a stoppel, but the flaggon with a vice, bravely and well plaid apon the words, Our fathers drank lu∣stily, and emptied their cans; well cack'd, well sung; come let us drink: will you send no∣thing to the river, here is one going to wash the tripes: I drink no more then a spunge, I drink like a Templer Knight: and I tan∣quam sponsus, and I sicut terra sine aqua, give me a synonymon for a gammon of bacon? it is the compulsory of drinkers: it is a pul∣ly; by a pully-rope wine is let down into a cellar, and by a gammon into the stomach, hei now boyes hither, some drink some drink, there is no trouble in it, respice personam, po∣ne pro duos, bus non est in usu. If I could get

up as well as I can swallow down, I had been long ere now very high in the aire.

Thus became Tom tosse-pot rich, thus went in the Taylors stitch: Thus did Bacchus con∣quer th' inde thus Philosophy Melinde: a little raine allayes a great deale of winde: long tipling breaks the thunder. But if there came such liquor from my ballock, would not you willingly thereafter suck the udder whence it issued; here page fill; I prethee, forget me not when it comes to my turne, and I will enter the election I have made of thee into the very register of my heart. Sup Guillot, and spare not, there is yet some∣what in the pot. I appeale from thirst, and disclaim its jurisdiction. Page sue out my ap∣peale in forme, this remnant in the bottome of the glasse must follow its Leader. I was wont heretofore to drink out all, but now I leave nothing. Let us not make too much haste, it is requisite we carry all along with us; hey day, here are tripes fit for our sport, and in earnest excellent Godebillios of the dun Oxe (you know) with the black streak. O for Gods sake let us lash them soundly, yet thrif∣tily. Drink, or I will. No, no, drink I be∣seech * 1.2 you; sparrows will not eate unlesse you bob them on the taile, nor can I drink if I be not fairly spoke to. The concavities of my body are like another Hell for their * 1.3 capacity. Lagonaedatera, there is not a

corner, nor cunniborow in all my body where this wine doth not ferret out my thirst. Ho, this will bang it soundly, but this shall banish it utterly. Let us winde our hornes by the sound of flaggons and bottles, and cry aloud, that whoever hath lost his thirst, come not hither to seek it. Long clysters of drinking are to be voided without doors: the great God made the Planets, and we make the platters neat. I have the word of the Gospel in my mouth, Sitio. The stone called Asbestos, is not more unquenchable, then the thirst of my paternitie. Appetite comes with eating saies Angeston, but the thirst goes away with drinking. I have a re∣medy against thirst, quite contrary to that which is good against the biting of a mad dog keep running after a Dog, and he will never bite you, drink alwayes before the thirst, & it wil never come upon you. There I catch you, I awake you. Argus had a hundred eyes for his sight; a butler should have (like Briareus) a hundred hands wherewith to fill us wine indefatigably. Hey now lads, let us moisten our selves, it will be time to dry hereafter. White wine here, wine boyes, poure out all in the name of Lucifer, fill here you, fill and fill (pescods on you) till it be full. My tongue peels. Lanstrinque, to thee Countreyman, I drink to thee good fellow, camarade to thee, lustie, lively, ha, la, la, that was drunk to some

purpose, and bravely gulped over. O la∣chryma Christi, it is of the best grape; I, faith, pure Greek, Greek, O the fine white wine, upon my conscience it is a kinde of taffatas wine, hin, hin, it is of one eare, well wrought, and of good wooll; courage camrade, up thy heart billy, we will not be beasted at this bout, for I have got one trick, ex hoc in hoc, there is no inchantment, nor charme there, every one of you hath seene it, my prentiship is out, I am a free man at this trade. I am prester mast, (Prish-Brun I should say) ma∣ster past. O the drinkers, those that are a * 1.4 dry, O poore thirsty souls, good Page my friend, fill me here some, and crowne the wine I pray thee, like a Cardinal, Natura ab∣horret vacuum. Would you say that a flie could drink in this, this is after the fashion of Swisserland, cleare off, neat, super-naculum, come therefore blades to this divine liquor, and celestial juyce, swill it over heartily, and spare not, it ••s a decoction of Nectar and Ambrosia.

CHAP. VI. How Gargantua was borne in a strange manner.

WHilest they were on this discourse, & pleasant tattle of drinking, Garga∣melle began to be a little unweil in her low∣er parts, whereupon Grangousier arose from off the grasse, and fell to comfort her very honestly and kindly, suspecting that she was in travel, and told her that it was best for her to sit down upon the grasse under the wil∣lows, because she was like very shortly to see young feet, and that therefore it was conve∣nient she should pluck up her spirits, and take a good heart of new at the fresh arrival of her baby, saying to her withal, that although the paine was somewhat grievous to her, it would be but of short continuance, and that the succeeding joy would quickly remove that sorrow, in such sort that she should not so much as remember it. On with a sheeps courage (quoth he) dispatch this boy, and we will speedily fall to work for the making of another. Ha (said she) so well as you speak at your own ease, you that are men; well then, in the name of God i'le do my best,

seeing you will have it so, but would to God that it were cut off from you: what? (said Grangousier) ha (said she) you are a good man indeed, you understand it well enough; what my member? (said he) by the goats blood, if it please you that shall be done instantly, cause bring hither a knife; a las, (said she) the Lord forbid, I pray Jesus to forgive me, I did not say it from my heart, therefore let it alone, and do not do it neither more nor lesse any kinde of harme for my speaking so to you; but I am like to have work enough to do to day; and all for your member, yet God blesse you and it.

Courage, courage, (said he) take you no care of the matter, let the four formost oxen do the work. I will yet go drink one whiffe more, and if in the meane time any thing befall you that may require my presence, I will be so near to you, that at the first whist∣ling in your fist, I shall be with you forth∣with: a little while after she began to groane, lament and cry; then suddenly came the mid∣wives from all quarters; who groping her be∣low, found some peloderies, which was a cer∣taine filthy stuffe, and of a taste truly bad e∣nough, this they thought had been the childe, but it was her fundament, that was slipt out with the molification of her streight intrall, which you call the bum-gut, and that meerly by eating of too many tripes, as we have

shewed you before: whereupon an old ugly trot in the company, who had the repute of an expert she-Physician, and was come from Brispaille near to Saint Gnou threescore yeers before, made her so horrible a restrictive, and binding medicine, and whereby all her Lar∣ris, arse-pipes and conduits were so opilated, stopped, obstructed, and contracted, that you could hardly have opened and enlarged them with your teeth, which is a terrible thing to think upon; seeing the Devill at the Masse at Saint Martins was puzled with the like task, when with his teeth he had lengthened out the parchment whereon he wrote the tittle tattle of two young mangy whoores; by this inconvenient the cotyle∣dons of her matrix, were presently loosed, through which the childe sprung up and leapt, and so entering into the hollow veine, did climbe by the diaphragm even above her shoulders, where that veine divides it self into two, and from thence taking his way towards the left side, issued forth at her left eare; as soone as he was borne, he cried not as other babes use to do, miez, miez, miez, miez, but with a high, sturdy and big voice shouted a loud, some drink, some drink, some drink, as inviting all the world to drink with him; the noise hereof was so extreamly great, that it was heard in both the Countreys at once, of Beauce and Bibarois. I doubt me that you

do not throughly beleeve the truth of this strange nativity, though you beleeve it not I care not much: but an honest man, and of good judgement beleeveth still what is told him, and that which he findes written.

Is this beyond our Law, or our faith? a∣gainst reason or the holy Scripture? for my part, I finde nothing in the sacred Bible that is against it; but tell me, if it had been the will of God, would you say that he could not do it? ha for favour sake (I beseech you) never emberlucock or inpulregafize your spirits with these vaine thoughts and idle conceits; for I tell you, it is not impossible with God, and if he pleased all women henceforth should bring forth their children at the eare; was not Bacchus engendred out of the very thigh of Jupiter? did not Ro∣quetaillade come out at his mothers heele? and Crocmoush from the slipper of his nurse? was not Minerva born of the braine, even through the eare of Jove? Adonis of the bark of a Myrre-tree; and Castor and Pollux of the doupe of that Egge which was laid and hatched by Leda? But you would won∣der more, and with farre greater amazement, if I should now present you with that chapter of Plinius, wherein he treateth of strange births, and contrary to nature, and yet am not I so impudent a lier as he was. Reade the seventh book of his Natural Hi∣story,

chapt. 4. and trouble not my head any more about this.

CHAP. VII. After what manner Gargantua had his name given him, and how he tippled, bibbed, and curried the canne.

THE good man Grangousier drinking and making merry with the rest, heard the horrible noise which his sonne had made as he entered into the light of this world, when he cried out, Some drink, some drink, some drink; whereupon he said in French, Que grand tuas et souple le gousier, that is to say, How great and nimble a throat thou hast; which the company hearing, said, that veri∣ly the childe ought to be called Gargantua; because it was the first word that after his birth his father had spoke in imitation, and at the example of the ancient Hebrewes, whereunto he condescended, and his mother was very well pleased therewith; in the meane while to quiet the childe, they gave him to drink a tirelarigot, that is, till his throat was like to crack with it; then was he carried to the Font, and there baptized, ac∣cording to the manner of good Christi∣ans

Immediately thereafter were appointed for him seventeen thousand, nine hundred, and thirteen Cowes of the towns of Pautil∣le and Breemond to furnish him with milk in ordinary, for it was impossible to finde a Nurse sufficient for him in all the Countrey, considering the great quantity of milk that was requisite for his nourishment; although there were not wanting some Doctors of the opinion of Scotus, who affirmed that his own mother gave him suck, and that she could draw out of her breasts one thousand, four hundred, two pipes, and nine pailes of milk at every time.

Which indeed is not probable, and this point hath been found duggishly scandalous and offensive to tender eares, for that it sa∣voured a little of Heresie; thus was he hand∣led for one yeare and ten moneths, after which time by the advice of Physicians they began to carry him, and then was made for him a fine little cart drawn with Oxen, of the invention of Jan Denio, wherein they led him hither and thither with great joy, and he was worth the seeing; for he was a fine boy, had a burly physnomie, and almost ten chins; he cried very little, but beshit him∣self every hour: for to speak truly of him, he was wonderfully flegmatick in his poste∣riors, both by reason of his natural comple∣xion, and the accidental disposition which

had befallen him by his too much quaffing of the septembral juyce. Yet without a cause did not he sup one drop; for if he happened to be vexed, angry, displeased or sorry; if he did fret, if he did weep, if he did cry, and what grievous quarter soever he kept in bringing him some drink, he would be in∣stantly pacified, reseated in his own temper, in a good humour againe, and as still and quiet as ever. One of his governesses told me (swearing by her fig) how he was so accu∣stomed to this kinde of way, that, at the sound of pintes and flaggons he would on a sudden fall into an extasie, as if he had then tasted of the joyes of Paradise: so that they upon consideration of this his divine com∣plexion, would every morning to cheare him up, play with a knife upon the glasses, on the bottles with their stopples, and on the pottle-pots with their lids and covers, at the sound whereof he became gay, did leap for joy, would loll and rock himself in the cra∣dle, then nod with his head, monocor∣sing his fingers, and barytonising with his taile.

CHAP. VIII. How they apparelled Gargantua.

BEing of this age, his father ordained to have clothes made to him in his owne livery, which was white and blew. To work then went the Tailors, and with great expe∣dition were those clothes made, cut, and sewed, according to the fashion that was then in request. I finde by the ancient Records or Pancarts, to be seene in the chamber of accounts, or Count of the Exchequer at Montforeo, that he was accoutred in manner as followeth. To make him every shirt of his were taken up nine hundred ells of Cha∣telero linnen, and two hundred for the guis∣sets, in manner of cushions, which they put under his arm-pits; his shirt was not gather∣ed nor plaited, for the plaiting of shirts was not found out, till the Seamsters (vvhen the * 1.5 point of their needles vvas broken) began to vvork and occupie vvith the taile; there vvere taken up for his doublet, eight hun∣dred and thirteen ells of white Satin, and for his points fifteen hundred and nine dogs skins and a half. Then vvas it that men began to tie their breeches to their doublets, and

not their doublets to their breeches: for it is against nature, as hath most amply been shewed. Ockam upon the explonibles of Master Hautechaussade.

For his breeches were taken up eleven hun∣dred and five ells, and a third of white broad cloth; They were cut in forme of pillars, chamfered, channel'd and pinked behinde, that they might not over-heat his reines: and were within the panes, puffed out with the lining of as much blew damask as was needful: and remark, that he had very good Leg-harnish, proportionable to the rest of his stature.

For his Codpeece were used sixteen ells, and a quarter of the same cloth, and it was fashioned on the top like unto a Trium∣phant Arch, most gallantly fastened with two enamell'd Clasps, in each of which was set a great Emerauld, as big as an Orange; for, as sayes Orpheus lib. de lapidibus, and Plinius libr. ultimo, it hath an erective vertue and comfortative of the natural member. The extiture, out-jecting or out-standing of his Codpiece, was of the length of a yard, jagged and pinked, and withal bagging, and strouting out with the blew damask lining, after the manner of his breeches: but had you seen the faire Embroyderie of the small needle-work purle, and the curiously inter∣laced knots, by the Goldsmiths Art, set out

and trimmed with rich Diamonds, precious Rubies, fine Turquoises, costly Emeraulds, and Persian pearles; you would have com∣pared it to a faire Cornucopia, or Horne of a∣bundance, such as you see in Anticks, or as Rhea gave to the two Nymphs, Amalthea and Ida, the Nurses of Jupiter.

And like to that Horn of abundance, it was still gallant, succulent, droppie, sappie, pi∣thie, lively, alwayes flourishing, alwayes fructifying, full of juice, full of flower, full of fruit, and all manner of delight. I avow God, it would have done one good to have seen him, but I will tell you more of him in the book which I have made of the dig∣nity of Codpieces: One thing I will tell you, that as it was both long and large, so was it well furnished and victualled within, nothing like unto the hypocritical Codpie∣ces of some fond Wooers, and Wench-courters, which are stuffed only with wind, to the great prejudice of the female sexe.

For his shoes, were taken up foure hun∣dred and six elles of blew Crimson-velvet, and were very neatly cut by parallel lines, joyned in uniforme cylindres: for the soling of them were made use of eleven hundred Hides of brown Cowes, shapen like the taile of a Keeling.

For his coat were taken up eighteen hun∣dred elles of blew velvet, died in grain, em∣broidered

in its borders with faire Gilliflow∣ers, in the middle decked with silver purle, intermixed with plates of gold, and store of pearles, hereby shewing, that in his time he would prove an especial good fellow, and singular whip-can.

His girdle was made of three hundred elles and a halfe of silken serge, halfe white and half blew, if I mistake it not. His sword was not of Valentia, nor his dagger of Sara∣gosa, for his father could not endure these hidalgos borrachos maranisados como dia∣blos: but he had a faire sword made of wood, and the dagger of borled leather, as well painted and guilded as any man could wish.

His purse was made of the cod of an Ele∣phant, which was given him by Herre Prae∣contal, Proconsul of Lybia.

For his Gown were employed nine thou∣sand six hundred elles, wanting two thirds, of blew velvet, as before, all so diagonally purled, that by true perspective issued thence an unnamed colour, like that you see in the necks of Turtle-doves or Turkie-cocks, which wonderfully rejoyceth the eyes of the beholders. For his Bonnet or Cap were taken up three hundred two elles, and a quarter of white velvet, and the forme thereof was wide and round, of the bignesse of his Head; for his father said, that the

Caps of the Mirabaise fashion, made like the Cover of a Pastie, would one time or other bring a mischief on those that wore them. For his Plume, he wore a faire great blew feather, plucked from an Onocrotal of the countrey of Hircania the wilde, very pretti∣ly hanging down over his right eare: For the Jewel or broach which in his Cap he carried; he had in a Cake of gold, weighing three∣score and eight marks, a faire piece ena∣mell'd, wherein was portrayed a mans bo∣dy with two heads, looking towards one an∣other, foure armes, foure feet, two arses, such as Plato in Symposio sayes, was the my∣stical beginning of mans nature; and about it was written in Ionick letters, 〈 in non-Latin alphabet 〉〈 in non-Latin alphabet 〉, or rather, 〈 in non-Latin alphabet 〉〈 in non-Latin alphabet 〉, that is, Vir & Mulier junctim pro∣priissimé homo. To wear about his neck, he had a golden chaine, weighing twenty five thousand and sixty three marks of gold, the links thereof being made after the manner of great berries, amongst which were set in work green Jaspers ingraven, and cut Dra∣gon-like, all invironed with beams and sparks, as King Nicepsos of old was wont to weare them, and it reached down to the very bust of the rising of his belly, whereby he reaped great benefit all his life long, as the Greek Physicians knew well enough. For his Gloves were put in work sixteen Otters

skins, and three of lougarous or men-eating wolves, for the bordering of them: and of this stuffe were they made, by the appoint∣ment of the Cabalists of Sanlono. As for the Rings which his father would have him to weare to renew the ancient mark of Nobili∣ty; He had on the forefinger of his left hand a Carbuncle as big as an Ostrige's Egge, inchased very daintily in gold of the finenesse of a Turkie Seraph. Upon the middle finger of the same hand, he had a Ring made of foure metals together, of the strongest fa∣shion that ever was seen; so that the steel did not crash against the gold, nor the silver crush the copper. All this was made by Captain Chappins, and Alcofribas his good Agent. On the medical finger of his right hand, he had a Ring made Spire wayes, wherein was set a perfect baleu rubie, a pointed Diamond, and a Physon Emerald of an inestimable value; for Hans-carvel the King of Melinda's Jeweller, esteemed them at the rate of threescore nine millions, eight hundred ninety foure thousand and elgh∣teen French Crowns of Berrie, and at so much did the foucres of Auspurg prize them.

CHAP. IX. The Colours and Liveries of Gargantua.

GArgantua's colours were white and blew, as I have shewed you before, by which his father would give us to understand, that his sonne to him was a heavenly joy, for the white did signifie gladnesse, plea∣sure, delight and rejoycing, and the blew, celestial things. I know well enough, that in reading this you laugh at the old drinker, and hold this exposition of colours to be very extravagant, and utterly disagreeable to reason, because white is said to signifie faith, and blew constancy. But without mo∣ving, vexing, heating or putting you in a chafe, (for the weather is dangerous) answer me if it please you; for no other compulso∣ry way of arguing will I use towards you, or any else; only now and then I will mention a word or two of my bottle. What is it that induceth you? what stirs you up to believe, or who told you that white signifieth faith; and blew, constancy? An old paultry book, say you, sold by the hawking Pedlars and Balladmongers, entituled The Blason of Co∣lours: Who made it? whoever it was, he was wise in that he did not set his name

to it; but besides, I know not what I should rather admire in him, his presumption or his sottishnesse: his presumption and overween∣ing, for that he should without reason, with∣out cause, or without any appearance of truth, have dared to prescribe by his private authority, what things should be denotated and signified by the colour: which is the custome of Tyrants, who will have their will to bear sway in stead of equity; and not of the wise and learned, who with the evidence of reason satisfie their Readers: His sottish∣nesse and want of spirit, in that he thought, that without any other demonstration or suf∣ficient argument, the world would be plea∣sed to make his blockish, and ridiculous im∣positions, the rule of their devices. In ef∣fect, (according to the Proverb, To a shitten taile failes never ordurre,) he hath found (it seems) some simple Ninnie in those rude times of old, when the wearing of high round Bonnets was in fashion, who gave some trust to his writings, according to which they carved and ingraved their apophthegms and motto's, trapped and caparisoned their Mules and Sumpter-horses, apparelled their Pages, quartered their breeches, bordered their gloves, fring'd the courtains and vallens of their beds, painted their ensignes, com∣posed songs, and which is worse, placed ma∣ny deceitful juglings, and unworthy base

tricks undiscoveredly, amongst the very chastest Matrons, and most reverend Scien∣ces. In the like darknesse and mist of ignorance, are wrapped up these vain∣glorious Courtiers, and name-transposers, who going about in their impresa's, to sig∣nifie esperance, (that is, hope) have portray∣ed a sphere and birds pennes for peines: An∣cholie (which is the flower colombine) for melancholy: A waning Moon or Cressant, to shew the increasing or rising of ones for∣tune; A bench rotten and broken, to sig∣nifie bankrout: non and a corslet for non dur habit, (otherwise non durabit, it shall not last) un lit sanc ciel, that is, a bed without a te∣sterne, for un licencié, a graduated person, as Batchelour in Divinity, or utter Barrester at law; which are aequivocals so absurd and witlesse, so barbarous and clownish, that a foxes taile should be fastened to the neck∣piece of, and a Vizard made of a Cowsheard, given to every one that henceforth should offer, after the restitution of learning, to make use of any such fopperies in France; by the same reasons (if reasons I should call them, and not ravings rather, and idle triflings about words,) might I cause paint a panier, to signifie that I am in peine: a Mustard-pot, that my heart tarries much for't: one pis∣sing upwards for a Bishop: the bottom of a paire of breeches for a vessel full of far∣things:

a Codpiece for the office of the Clerks of the sentences, decrees or judge∣ments, or rather (as the English beares it,) for the taile of a Cod-fish; and a dogs turd, for the dainty turret, wherein lies the love of my sweet heart. Farre otherwise did hereto∣fore the Sages of Egypt, when they wrote by letters, which they called Hieroglyphicks, which none understood who were not skil∣led in the vertue, propertie and nature of the things represented by them: of which Orus Apollon hath in Greek composed two books, and Polyphilus in his dream of love set down more: In France you have a taste of them, in the device or impresa of my Lord Admiral, which was borne before that time by Octavian Augustus. But my little skiffe alongst these unpleasant gulphs and sholes, will saile no further, therefore must I return to the Port from whence I came: yet do I hope one day to write more at large of these things, and to shew both by Philosophical arguments and authorities, received and ap∣proved of by and from all antiquity, what, and how many colours there are in nature, and what may be signified by every one of them, if God save the mould of my Cap, which is my best Wine-pot, as my Gran∣dame said.

CHAP. X. Of that which is signified by the Colours, white and blew.

THe white therefore signifieth joy, so∣lace and gladnesse, and that not at ran∣dom, but upon just and very good grounds: which you may perceive to be true, if laying aside all prejudicate affections, you will but give eare to what presently I shall expound unto you.

Aristotle saith, that supposing two things contrary in their kinde, as good and evill, vertue and vice, heat and cold, white and black, pleasure and pain, joy and grief: And so of others, if you couple them in such man∣ner, that the contrary of one kinde may a∣gree in reason with the contrary of the other, it must follow by consequence, that the o∣ther contrary must answer to the remanent opposite to that wherewith it is conferred; as for example, vertue and vice are contrary in one kinde, so are good and evil: if one of the contraries of the first kinde, be consonant to one of those of the second, as vertue and good nesse, for it is clear that vertue is good, so shall the other two contraries, (which are

evil and vice) have the same connexion, for vice is evil.

This Logical rule being understood, take these two contraries, joy and sadnesse: then these other two, white and black, for they are Physically contrary; if so be then that black do signifie grief, by good reason then should white import joy. Nor is this signifi∣cation instituted by humane imposition, but by the universal consent of the world recei∣ved, which Philosophers call Jus Gentium, the Law of Nations, or an uncontrolable right of force in all countreyes whatsoever: for you know well enough, that all people, and all languages and nations, (except the an∣cient Syracusans, and certain Argives, who had crosse and thwarting soules) when they mean outwardly to give evidence of their sorrow, go in black; and all mourning is done with black, which general consent is not without some argument, and reason in nature, the which every man may by himself very suddenly comprehend, without the in∣struction of any; and this we call the Law of nature: By vertue of the same natural in∣stinct, we know that by white all the world hath understood joy, gladnesse, mirth, plea∣sure and delight. In former times, the Thra∣cians and Crecians did mark their good, pro∣pitious, and fortunate dayes with white stones: and their sad, dismal and unfortunate

ones with black, is not the night mournful, sad and melancholick? it is black and dark by the privation of light; doth not the light comfort all the world? and it is more whitet hen any thing else, which to prove, I could direct you to the book of Laurentius Valla against Bartolus, but an Evangelical testimony I hope will content you, Matth. 7. it is said, that at the transfiguration of our Lord, Vestimenta ejus facta sunt alba sicut lux, his apparel was made white like the light, by which lightsome whitenesse he gave his three Apostles to understand the Idea and figure of the eternal joyes; for by the light are all men comforted, according to the word of the old woman, who although she had never a tooth in her head, was wont to say, Bona lux: and Tobit, chap. 5. after he had lost his sight, when Raphael saluted him, answered, What joy can I have, that do not see the light of Heaven? In that colour did the Angels testifie the joy of the whole world, at the Resurrection of our Saviour, John 20. and at his Ascension, Acts 1. with the like colour of vesture did St. John the Evangelist, Apoc. 4. 7. see the faithful clo∣thed in the heavenly and blissed Jeru∣salem.

Reade the ancient both Greek and Latine histories, and you shall finde that the town of Alba, (the first patern of Rome,) was

founded, and so named by reason of a white sow that was seen there: You shall likewise finde in those stories, that when any man, af∣ter he had vanquished his enemies, was by decree of the Senate to enter into Rome tri∣umphantly, he usually rode in a chariot drawn by white horses: which in the Ova∣tion triumph was also the custome; for by no signe or colour would they so significant∣ly expresse the joy of their coming, as by the white: You shall there also finde, how Pericles, the General of the Athenians, would needs have that part of his Army, unto whose lot befel the white beanes, to spend the whole day in mirth, pleasure and ease, whilest the rest were a fighting. A thousand other examples and places could I alledge to this purpose, but that it is not here where I should do it.

By understanding hereof, you may re∣solve one Problem, which Alexander Aphro∣diseus hath accounted unanswerable, why the Lion, who with his only cry and roaring affrights all beasts, dreads and feareth only a white cock? for (as Proclus saith, libro de Sacrificio & Magia) it is because the presence of the vertue of the Sunne, which is the Or∣gan and Promptuarie of all terrestrial and syderial light, doth more symbolize and agree with a white cock, as well in regard of that colour, as of his property and specifical qua∣lity,

then with a Lion. He saith further∣more, that Devils have been often seen in the shape of Lions, which at the sight of a white cock have presently vanished. This is the cause, why Galli or Gallices, (so are the Frenchmen called, because they are natu∣rally white as milk, which the Greeks call Gala,) do willingly weare in their Caps white feathers, for by nature they are of a candid disposition, merrie, kinde, gtacious and well-beloved, and for their cognizance and armes have the whitest flower of any, the Flower de luce or Lilie. If you demand, how by white, nature would have us under∣stand joy and gladnesse? I answer, that the analogy and uniformity is thus, for as the white doth outwardly disperse and scatter the rayes of the sight, whereby the optick spirits are manifestly dissolved, according to the opinion of Aristotle in his Problemes and perspective Treatises; as you may like∣wise perceive by experience, when you passe over mountains covered with snow, how you will complain that you cannot see well: as Xenophon writes to have hapned to his men, and as Galen very largely declareth, lib. 10. de usu partium: Just so the heart with excessive joy is inwardly dilated, and suffereth a manifest resolution of the vital spirits, which may go so farre on, that it may thereby be deprived of its nou∣rishment,

and by consequence of life it self. By this Pericharie or extremity of gladnesse, as Galen saith, lib. 12. method. lib. 5. de lo∣cis affectis, & lib. 2. de symptomatum causis. And as it hath come to passe in former times, witnesse Marcus▪ Tullius lib. 1. quaest. Tus∣cut. Verrius, Aristotle, Titus Livius in his relation of the battel of Cannas, Plinius lib. 7. cap. 32. & 34. A. Gellius lib. 3. c. 15. and many other Writers of Diagoras the Rhodian, Chilon Sophocles, Dionysius the tyrant of Sicilie, Philippides, Philemon, Polycrates, Phi∣lipion, M. Juventi; and others who died with joy, and as Avicen speaketh, in ••. ca∣non. & lib. de virib. cordis, of the Saffron, that it doth so rejoyce the heart, that if you take of it excessively, it will by a superfluous resolution and dilatation deprive it altoge∣ther of life. Here peruse Alex. aphrodiseus lib. 1. Probl. cap. 19. and that for a cause: But what? it seems I am entred further into this point then I intended at the first; Here therefore will I strike saile, referring the rest to that book of mine, which handleth this matter to the full. Mean while, in a word I will tell you, that blew doth certainly sig∣nifie Heaven and heavenly things, by the same very tokens and symbols, that white signifieth joy and pleasure.

CHAP. XI. Of the youthful age of Gargantua.

GArgantua from three yeares upwards unto five, was brought up and instruct∣ed in all convenient discipline, by the com∣mandment of his father; and spent that time like the other little children of the countrey, that is, in drinking, eating and sleeping: in eating, sleeping and drinking: and in sleeping, drinking and eating: still he wallowed and rowled up and down him∣self in the mire and dirt: he blurred and sul∣lied his nose with filth: he blotted and smutch't his face with any kinde of scurvie stuffe, he trode down his shoes in the heele: At the flies he did oftentimes yawn, and ran very heartily after the Butterflies, the Empire whereof belonged to his father. He pissed in his shoes, shit in his shirt, and wi∣ped his nose on his sleeve: He did let his snot and snivel fall in his pottage, and dabled, padled and slabbered every where: He would drink in his slipper, and ordinarily rub his belly against a Panier: He sharpened his teeth with a top, washed his hands with his broth, and combed his head with a bole:

He would sit down betwixt two stooles, and his arse to the ground, would cover him∣self with a wet sack, and drink in eating of his soupe: He did eate his Cake sometimes without bread, would bite in laughing, and laugh in biting; Oftentimes did he spit in the basin, and fart for fatnesse; pisse against the Sunne, and hide himself in the water for fear of raine. He would strike out of the cold iron, be often in the dumps, and frig and wriggle it. He would flay the Fox, say the Apes Paternoster, return to his sheep, and turn the Hogs to the Hay: He would beat the Dogs before the Lion, put the Plough be∣fore the Oxen, and claw where it did not itch: He would pump one to draw somewhat out of him, by griping all would hold fast nothing, and alwayes eat his white bread first. He shoo'd the Geese, kept a self-tickling to make himself laugh, and was very stedable in the Kitchin: made a mock at the gods, would cause sing Magnificat at Matines, and found it very connenient so to do: He would eat cabbage, and shite beets; knew flies in a dish of milk, and would make them lose their feet: He would scrape paper, blur parch∣ment, then run away as hard as he could: He would pul at the Kids leather, or vomit up his dinner, then reckon without his Host: He would beat the bushes without catching the birds, thought the Moon was made of

green cheese, and that bladders are lan∣ternes: out of one sack he would take two moutures or fees for grinding; would act the Asses part to get some bran, and of his fist would make a Mallet: He took the cranes at the first leap, and would have the Mail-coats to be made link after link: He alwayes look∣ed a given horse in the mouth, leaped from the cock to the asse, and put one ripe between two green: By robbing Peter he payed Paul, he kept the Moon from the wolves, and hoped to catch Larks if ever the Heavens should fall: He did make of necessity vertue, of such bread such pottage, and cared as little for the peeled as for the shaven: Every morning he did cast up his gorge, and his fa∣thers little dogs eat out of the dish with him, and he with them: He would bite their eares and they would scratch his nose: he would blow in their arses, and they would lick his chaps. But hearken good fellows, the spi∣got ill betake you, and whirle round your braines, if you do not give eare: This little Lecher was alwayes groping his Nurses and Governesses, upside down, arswerzie, top∣siturvie, harribourr quet, with a Yacco haick, hyck gio, handling them very rudely in jum∣bling and tumbling them to keep them go∣ing; for he had already begun to exercise the tooles, and put his Codpiece in practice; which Codpiece or Braguette, his Governes∣fes

did every day deck up and adorn with faire nosegayes, curious rubles, sweet flow∣ers, and fine silken tufts, and very pleasant∣ly would passe their time, in taking you know what between their fingers, and dand∣ling it, till it did revive and creep up to the bulk and stiffenesse of a suppository, or streat magdaleon, which is a hard rowled up salve, spread upon leather. Then did they burst out in laughing, when they saw it lift up its eares, as if the sport had liked them; one of them would call it her little dille, her staffe of love, her quillety, her faucetin, her dandilollie: Another her peen, her jolly kyle, her bableret, her membretoon, her quick∣set Imp: Another again, her branch of coral, her female adamant, her placket-racket, her cyprian scepter, her jewel for Ladies: and some of the other women would give it these names, my bunguetee, my stopple too, my busherusher, my gallant wimble, my pretty boarer, my coney-borow ferret, my little piercer, my augretine, my dangling hangers, down right to it, stiffe and stout, in & to, my pusher, dresser, pouting stick, my hony pipe, my pretty pillicock, linkie pinkie, futilletie, my lustie andouille, and crimson chitterlin: my little couille bredouille, my pretty rogue, and so forth: It belongs to me said one: it is mine said the other: What, quoth a third, shall I have no share in it? by my faith I will

cut it then: Ha, to cut it (said the other,) would hurt him; Madam, do you cut little childrens things? were his cut off, he would be then Monsieur sans queue, the curtail'd Ma∣ster. And that he might play and sport him∣self after the manner of the other little chil∣dren of the countrey, they made him a faire weather whirljack, of the wings of the wind∣mil of Myrebalais.

CHAP. XII. Of Gargantua's wooden Horses.

AFterwards, that he might be all his life∣time a good Rider, they made to him a faire great horse of wood, which he did make leap, curvete, yerk out behinde, and skip forward, all at a time: to pace, trot, rack, gallop, amble, to play the hobbie, the hackney-guelding: go the gate of the camel & of the wild asse. He made him also change his colour of hair, as the Monks of Coultibo, (according to the variety of their holy-days) use to do their clothes, from bay, brown, to sorrel, daple-gray, mouse-dun, deer-colour, roan, cow-colour, gingioline, skued colour, pybal'd, and the colour of the savage elk.

Himself of an huge big post made a hunt∣ing nag: and another for daily service, of the

beam of a Vine-presse: and of a great Oak, made up a mule, with a foot-cloth for his chamber. Besides this, he had ten or twelve spare horses, and seven horses for post; and all these were lodged in his own chamber, close by his bed-side. One day the Lord of Breadinbag came to visit his father in great * 1.6 bravery, and with a gallant traine: and at the same time to see him came likewise the Duke of Free-meale, and the Earle of Wet∣gullet. The house truly for so many guests at once was somewhat narrow, but especial∣ly the stables; whereupon the steward and harbinger of the said Lord Breadinbag, to know if there were any other empty stables in the house, came to Gargantua, a little young lad, and secretly asked him where the stables of the great horses were, thinking that children would be ready to tell all? Then he led them up along the stairs of the Castle, passing by the second Hall unto a broad great Gallery, by which they entred into a large Tower, and as they were going up at another paire of staires, said the harbinger to the steward, this childe deceives us, for the stables are never on the top of the house: You may be mistaken (said the steward,) for I know some places at Lyons, at the Basmette, at Chaunon, and elsewhere, which have their stables at the very tops of the houses, so it may be, that behinde the house there is a way

to come to this ascent, but I will question with him further. Then said he to Gargan∣tua, My pretty little boy, whither do you lead us? To the stable (said he) of my great horses, we are almost come to it, we have but these staires to go up at, then leading them alongst another great Hall, he brought them into his chamber, and opening the door said unto them, This is the stable that you ask for: this is my gennet, this is my gelding, this my courser, and this my hackney, and laid on them with a great Leaver: I will be∣stow upon you (said he) this Frizeland horse, I had him from Francfort, yet will I give him you; for he is a pretty little nagge, and will go very well, with a tessel of goosehawk, halfe a dosen of spaniels, and a brace of grey-hounds, thus are you King of the hares and partridges for all this winter. By St. John (said they) now we are payed, he hath gleek∣ed us to some purpose, bobbed we are now for ever: I deny it (said he) he was not here above three dayes, judge you now, whether they had most cause, either to hide their heads for shame, or to laugh at the jest: as they were going down again thus amazed, he asked them, Will you have a whimwham? What is that, said they? It is (said he) five turds * 1.7 to make you a muzzel: To day (said the steward,) though we happen to be rosted, we shall not be burnt, for we are pretty well

quipped and larded in my opinion. O my jolly daper boy, thou hast given us a gudge∣on, I hope to see thee Pope before I die: I think so (said he) my self: and then shall you be a puppie, and this gentle popinjeay a perfect papelard, that is, dissembler: Well, well, (said the harbinger,) But (said Gargan∣tua;) guesse how many stitches there are in my mothers smock: Sixteen (quoth the har∣binger,) You do not speak Gospel (said Gar∣gantua) for there is sent before, and sent be∣hinde, and you did reckon them ill, consi∣dering the two under holes: When (said the harbinger?) Even then (said Gargantua,) when they made a shovel of your nose to take up a quarter of dirt, and of your throat a funnel, wherewith to put it into another vessel, be∣cause the bottom of the old one was out. Cocksbod (said the steward) we have met with a Prater. Farewel (Master tatler) God keep you, so goodly are the words which you come out with, and so fresh in your mouth, that it had need to be salted.

Thus going down in great haste, under the arch of the staires, they let fall the great Lea∣ver, which he had put upon their backs, whereupon Gargantua said, what a deedle, you are (it seems) but bad horsemen, that suffer your bilder to faile you, when you need him most, if you were to go from hence to Chausas, whether had you rather ride on a

gesling, or lead a sow in a Leash? I had ra∣ther drink (said the harbinger,) with this they entered into the lower Hall, where the company was, and relating to them this new story, they made them laugh like a swarm of flies.

CHAP. XIII. How Gargantua's wonderful understanding, became known to his father Grangou∣sier, by the invention of a Torch∣cul or Wipebreech.

ABout the end of the fifth yeare, Gran∣gousier returning from the Conquest of the Canarians, went by the way to see his sonne Gargantua, there was he filled with joy, as such a father might be at the sight of such a childe of his: and whilest he kist him and embrac'd him, he asked many childish questions of him about divers mat∣ters, and drank very freely with him and with his governesses, of whom in great ear∣nest, he asked amongst other things, whether they had been careful to keep him clean and sweet? To this Gargantua answered, that he had taken such a course for that himself, that in al the country there was not to be found a

cleanlier boy then he. How is that (said Gran∣gousier?) I have (answered Gargantua) by a long and curious experience found out a meanes to wipe my bum, the most lordly, the most excellent, and the most convenient that ever was seen? What is that. (said Grangousier,) how is it? I will tell you by and by (said Gargantua,) once I did wipe me with a Gentlewomans Velvet-mask, and found it to be good; for the softnesse of the silk was very voluptuous and pleasant to my fundament. Another time with one of their Hoods, and in like manner that was comfortable: At another time with a Ladies Neck-kerchief, and after that I wiped me with some ear-pieces of hers made of Crim∣son sattin, but there was such a number of golden spangles in them (turdie round things, a pox take them) that they fetched away all the skin of my taile with a vengeance. Now I wish St. Anthonies fire burn the bum-gut of the Goldsmith that made them, and of her that wore them: This hurt I cured by wiping my self with a Pages cap, garnished with a feather after the Suitsers fashion.

Afterwards, in dunging behinde a bush, I found a March-Cat, and with it wiped my breech, but her clawes were so sharp that they scratched and exulcerated all my perinee; Of this I recovered the next morning there∣after, by wiping my self with my mothers

gloves, of a most excellent perfume and sent of the Arabian Benin. After that I wi∣ped me with sage, with fennil, with anet with marjoram, with roses, with gourd-leavs, with beets, with colewort, with leaves of the vine-tree, with mallowes, wool-blade, (which is a tail-scarlet) with latice and with spinage leaves. All this did very great good to my leg. Then with Mercurie, with pursley, with nettles, with comfrey, but that gave me the bloody flux of Lumb ardie, which I healed by wiping me with my braguette; then I wi∣ped my taile in the sheets, in the coverlet, in the curtains, with a cushion, with Arras hangings, with a green carpet, with a table∣cloth, with a napkin, with a handkerchief, with a combing cloth, in all which I found more pleasure then do the mangie dogs when you rub them. Yea, but (said Gran∣gousier) which torchecul didst thou finde to be the best? I was coming to it (said Gargantua) and by and by shall you heare the tu autem, and know the whole mysterie and knot of the matter: I wiped my self with hay, with straw, with thatch-rushes, with flax, with wooll, with paper, but

Who his foule taile with paper wipes, Shall at his hallocks leave some chips.

What, (said Grangousier) my little rogue,

hast thou been at the pot, that thou dost rime already? Yes, yes, my Lord the King (an∣swered Gargantua,) I can rime gallantly, and rime till I become hoarse with Rheum; Heark what our Privy sayes to the Sky ters:

• Shittard
• Squirtard
• Crackard

Turdous.

• Thy bung
• Hath flung
• Some dung

on us:

• Filthard
• Cackard
• Stinkard:

St. Antonie's fire seize on thy toane,

• If thy
• Dirty
• Dounby

Thou do not wipe ere thou be gone.

Will you have any more of it? Yes, yes, (answered Grangousier:) Then said Gar∣gantua,

A Roundlay.

In shiting yesday I did know The sesse I to my arse did owe:

The smell was such came from that slunk, That I was with it all bestunk: O had but then some brave Signor Brought her to me I waited for, in shiting:

I would have cleft her watergap, And joyn'd it close to my flipflap; Whilest she had with her fingers guarded My foule Nockandrow, all bemerded in shiting.

Now say that I can do nothing, by the Merdi they are not of my making, but I heard them of this good old grandam, that you see here, and ever since have retained them in the budget of my memory.

Let us return to our purpose (said Gran∣gousier,) What (said Gargantua) to skite? No (said Grangousier) but to wipe our taile; But (said Gargantua) will not you be content to pay a punchion of Britton-wine, if I do not blank and gravel you in this matter, and put you to a non-plus? Yes truly (said Gran∣gousier.)

There is no need of wiping ones taile (said Gargantua) but when it is foule; foule it cannot be unlesse one have been a skiting; skite then we must before we wipe our tailes. O my pretty little waggish boy (said Grangousier,) what an excellent wit thou hast? I will make thee very shortly proceed Doctor in the jovial quirks of gay learning,

and that by G—, for thou hast more wit then age; now I prethie go on in this torchecula∣ife, orw ipe-bummatory discourse, and by my beard I swear, for one puncheon thou shalt have threescore pipes, I mean of the good Breton wine, not that which growes in Britain, but in the good countrey of Verron. Afterwards I wiped my bum (said Gargan∣tua,) with a kerchief, with a pillow, with a pantoufle, with a pouch, with a pannier, but that was a wicked and unpleasant torchecul; then with a hat, of hats note that some are shorne, and others shaggie, some velveted, others covered with taffitie's, and others with sattin, the best of all these is the shaggie hat, for it makes a very neat abstersion of the fe∣cal matter.

Afterwards I wiped my taile with a hen, with a cock, with a pullet, with a calves skin, with a hare, with a pigeon, with a cor∣morant, with an Atturneyes bag, with a montero, with a coife, with a faulconers lure; but to conclude, I say and maintain, that of all torcheculs, arsewisps, bumfodders, tail-napkins, bunghole-cleansers and wipe-breeches, there is none in the world com∣parable to the neck of a goose, that is well douned, if you hold her head betwixt your legs: and beleeve me therein upon mine ho∣nour, for you will thereby feele in your nockhole a most wonderful pleasure, both

in regard of the softnesse of the said doune, and of the temperate heat of the goose, which is easily communicated to the bum-gut, and the rest of the inwards, insofarre as to come even to the regions of the heart and braines; and think not, that the felicity of the heroes and demigods in the Elysian fields, consisteth either in their Asphodele, Am∣brosia, or Nectar, as our old women here use to say; but in this, (according to my judge∣ment) that they wipe their tailes with the neck of a goose, holding her head betwixt their legs, and such is the opinion of Master John of Scotland, aliàs Scotus.

CHAP. XIV. How Gargantua was taught Latine by a Sophister.

THe good man Grangousier, having heard this discourse, was ravished with admiration, considering the high reach, and marvellous understanding of his sonne Gar∣gantua, and said to his governesses, Philip King of Macedon knew the great wit of his sonne Alexander, by his skilful managing of a horse; for his horse Bucephalus was so fierce and unruly, that none durst adventure

to ride him, after that he had given to his Ri∣ders such devillish falls, breaking the neck of this man, the other mans leg, braining one, and putting another out of his jaw-bone. This by Alexander being considered, one day in the hippodrome, (which was a place ap∣pointed for the breaking and managing of great horses,) he perceived that the fury of the horse proceeded meerly from the feare he had of his own shadow, whereupon get∣ting on his back, he run him against the Sun, so that the shadow fell behinde, and by that meanes tamed the horse, and brought him to his hand: whereby his father, knowing the divine judgement that was in him, caused him most carefully to be instructed by Aristotle, who at that time was highly renowned a∣bove all the Philosophers of Greece: after the same manner I tell you, that by this only dis∣course, which now I have here had before you with my sonne Gargantua; I know that his understanding doth participate of some divinity, and that if he be well taught, and have that education which is fitting, he will attain to a supreme degree of wisdome. Therefore will I commit him to some learn∣ed man, to have him indoctrinated accord∣ing to his capacity, and will spare no cost, Presently they appointed him a great So∣phister-Doctor, called Master Tubal Holo∣phernes, who taught him his A B C, so well,

that he could say it by heart backwards; and about this he was five yeares and three moneths. Then read he to him, Donat, facet, theodolet, and Alanus in parabolis: About this he was thirteen years, six moneths, and two weeks; but you must remark, that in the mean time he did learn to write in Got∣tish characters, and that he wrote all his books, for the Art of printing was not then in use, and did ordinarily carry a great pen and inkhorne, weighing above seven thou∣sand quintals, (that is, 700000 pound weight,) the penner whereof was as big and as long, as the great pillar of Enay, and the horne was hanged to it in great iron chaines, it being of the widenesse of a tun of mer∣chand ware. After that he read unto him the book de modis significandi, with the Com∣mentaries of Hurtbise, of Fasquin, of Tropi∣feu, of Gualhaut, of Jhon Calf, of Billonio, of Berlinguandus, and a rabble of others, and herein he spent more then eighteen yeares and eleven monethes, and was so well versed in it, that to try masteries in School disputes with his condisciples, he would recite it by heart backwards: and did sometimes prove on his fingers ends to his mother, quod de mo∣dis significandi non erat scientia. Then did he reade to him the compost, for knowing the age of the Moon, the seasons of the year, and tides of the sea, on which he spent sixteen

yeares and two moneths, and that justly at the time that his said Praeceptor died of the French Pox, which was in the yeare one thousand foure hundred and twenty. After∣wards he got an old coughing fellow to teach him, named Master Jobelin Bride, or muz∣led doult, who read unto him Hugotio, Fle∣bard, Grecisme, the doctrinal, the parts, the quid est, the supplementum, Marmoretus de moribus in mensa servandis, Seneca de quatu∣or virtutibus cardinalibus, Passavantus cum commentar: and dormi securè for the holy days and some other of such like mealie stuffe, by reading whereof he became as wise as any we ever since baked in an Oven.

CHAP. XV. How Gargantua was put under other School-masters.

AT the last his father perceived, that in∣deed he studied hard, and that although he spent all his time in it, did neverthelesse profit nothing, but which is worse, grew thereby foolish, simple, doted and blockish, whereof making a heavie regret to Don Phi∣lip of Marays, Viceroy or deputie-King of Papeligosse, he found that it were better for

him to learne nothing at all, then to be taught such like books, under such School-masters, because their knowledge was no∣thing but brutishnesse▪, and their wisdome but blunt foppish toyes, serving only to ba∣stardize good and noble spirits, and to cor∣rupt all the flower of youth. That it is so, take (said he) any young boy of this time, who hath only studied two yeares, if he have not a better judgement, a better discourse, and that expressed in better termes then your sonne, with a compleater carriage and ci∣vility to all manner of persons, account me for ever hereafter a very clounch, and bacon∣slicer of Brene. This pleased Grangousier very well, and he commanded that it should be done. At night at supper, the said Des Marays brought in a young page of his, of Ville-gouges, called Eudemon, so neat, so trim, so handsom in his apparel, so spruce, with his haire in so good order, and so sweet and comely in his behaviour, that he had the resemblance of a little Angel more then of a humane creature. Then he said to Grangou∣sier, Do you see this young boy▪ he is not as yet full twelve yeares old; let us try (if it please you) what difference there is betwixt the knowledge of the doting Mateologians of old time, and the young lads that are now. The trial pleased Grangousier, and he com∣manded the Page to begin. Then Eudemon,

asking leave of the Vice-King his Master so to do, with his cap in his hand, a clear and open countenance, beautiful and ruddie lips, his eyes steadie, and his looks fixed up∣on Gargantua, with a youthful modesty; standing up streight on his feet, began very gracefully to commend him; first for his vertue and good manners; secondly for his knowledge; thirdly for his nobility; fourth∣ly for his bodily accomplishments: and in the fifth place most sweetly exhorted him to reverence his father with all due observancy, who was so careful to have him well brought up; in the end he prayed him, that he would vouchsafe to admit of him amongst the least of his servants; for other favour at that time desired he none of heaven, but that he might do him some grateful and acceptable service: all this was by him delivered with such pro∣per gestures, such distinct pronunciation, so pleasant a delivery, in such exquisite fine termes, and so good Latine, that he seemed rather a Gracchus, a Cicero, an Aemilius of the time past, then a youth of this age: but all the countenance that Gargantua kept was, that he fell to crying like a Cow, and cast down his face, hiding it with his cap, nor could they possibly draw one word from him, no more then a fart from a dead Asse; whereat his father was so grievously vexed, that he would have killed Master Jobelin, but the said, Des

marays withheld him from it by faire per∣suasions, so that at length he pacified his wrath. Then Grangousier commanded he should be payed his wages, that they should whittle him up soundly, like a Sophister with good drink, and then give him leave to go to all the devils in hell: at least (said he) to day, shall it not cost his hoste much, if by chance he should die as drunk as a Suitser. Master Jobelin being gone out of the house, Grangousier consulted with the Viceroy what Schoolmaster they should choose for him, and it was betwixt them resolved, that Pono∣crates the Tutor of Eudemon should have the charge, and that they should go altoge∣ther to Paris, to know what was the study of the young men of France at that time.

CHAP. XVI. How Gargantua was sent to Paris, and of the huge great Mare that he rode on; How she destroyed the Oxe-flies of the Beauce.

IN the same season Fayoles, the fourth King of Numidia, sent out of the coun∣trey of Africk to Grangousier, the most hide∣ously great Mare that ever was seen, and of the strangest forme, (for you know well e∣nough

how it is said, that Africk alwayes is productive of some new thing: she was as big as six elephants, and had her feet cloven into fingers, like Julius Caesars horse, with slouch-hanging eares, like the goats in Lan∣guedoc, and a little horne on her buttock, she was of a burnt sorel hue, with a little mixture of daple gray spots, but above all she had a horrible taile; for it was little more or lesse, then every whit as great as the Steeple-pillar of St. Mark beside Langes▪ and squared as that is, with tuffs and enni∣croches, or haire-plaits wrought within one another, no otherwise then as the beards are upon the eares of corne.

If you wonder at this, wonder rather at the tails of the Scythian Rams, which weigh∣ed above thirty pounds each, and of the Su∣rian sheep, who need (if Tenaud say true,) a little cart at their heeles to beare up their taile, it is so long and heavy. You female Lechers in the plaine countreys have no such tailes. And she was brought by sea in three Carricks and a Brigantine unto the har∣bour of Olone in Thalmondois. When Gran∣gousier saw her, Here is (said he) what is fit to carry my sonne to Paris. So now, in the name of God, all will be well, he will in times coming be a great Scholar, if it were not (my masters) for the beasts, we should live like Clerks: The next morning (after they

had drunk, you must understand) they took their journey; Gargantua, his Pedagogue Ponocrates, and his traine, and with them Eu∣demon the young Page, and because the weather was faire and temperate, his father caused to be made for him a paire of dun boots, Babin calls them buskins: Thus did they merrily passe their time in travelling on their high way, alwayes making good chear, and were very pleasant till they came a little above Orleans, in which place there was a forrest of five and thirty leagues long, and seventeen in breadth, or thereabouts. This forrest was most horribly fertile and copi∣ous in dorflies, hornets and wasps, so that it was a very Purgatory for the poor mares, asses and horses: But Gargantua's mare did avenge her self handsomly of all the out-ra∣ges therein committed upon beasts of her kinde, and that by a trick whereof they had no suspicion; for assoon as ever they were entred into the said forest, and that the wasps had given the assault, she drew out and un∣sheathed her taile, and therewith skirmish∣ing, did so sweep them, that she overthrew all the wood alongst and athwart, here and there, this way and that way, longwise and sidewise, over and under, and felled every where the wood with as much ease, as a mow∣er doth the grasse, in such sort that never since hath ther been there, neither wood,

nor Dorflies: for all the countrey was there∣by reduced to a plain champian-field: which Gargantua took great pleasure to behold, and said to his company no more but this, Je trouve beau ce, I finde this pretty; wherup∣on that countrey hath been ever since that time called Beauce: but all the breakfast the mare got that day, was but a little yawning and gaping, in memory whereof the Gentle∣men of Beauce, do as yet to this day break their fast with gaping, which they finde to be very good, and do spit the better for it; at last they came to Paris, where Gargantua re∣fresh't himself two or three dayes, making very merry with his folks, and enquiring what men of learning there were then in the city, and what wine they drunk there.

CHAP. XVII. How Gargantua payed his welcome to the Pari∣sians, and how he took away the great Bells of our Ladies Church.

SOme few dayes after that they had re∣fresh't themselves, he went to see the city, and was beheld of every body there with great admiration; for the People of Paris are so sottish, so badot, so foolish and fond

by nature, that a jugler, a carrier of indul∣gences, a sumpter-horse, or mule with cym∣bals, or tinkling bells, a blinde fidler in the middle of a crosse lane, shall draw a greater confluence of people together, then an E∣vangelical Preacher: and they prest so hard upon him, that he was constrained to rest himself upon the towers of our Ladies Church; at which place, seeing so many a∣bout him, he said with a loud voice, I beleeve that these buzzards wil have me to pay them here my welcom hither, and my Proficiat: it is but good reason, I will now give them their wine, but it shall be only in sport; then smi∣ling, he untied his faire Braguette, and draw∣ing out his mentul into the open aire, he so bitterly all-to-bepist them, that he drown∣ed two hundred and sixty thousand, foure hundred and eighteen, besides the women and little children: some neverthelesse of the company escaped this piss-flood by meer speed of foot, who when they were at the higher end of the University, sweating, coughing, spitting, and out of breath, they began to swear and curse, some in good hot earnest, and others in jest, Carimari, Ca∣rimara: Golynoly, Golynolo: by my sweet Sanctesse, we are wash't in sport, a sport tru∣ly to laugh at, in French Parris, for which that city hath been ever since called Paris, whose name formerly was Leucotia, (as Strabo

testifieth, lib. quarto) from the Greek word 〈 in non-Latin alphabet 〉〈 in non-Latin alphabet 〉, whitenesse, because of the white thighs of the Ladies of that place, and foras∣much as at this imposition of a new name; all the people that were there, swore every one by the Sancts of his parish, the Parisians, which are patch'd up of all nations, and all pieces of countreyes, are by nature both good Jurers, and good Jurists, and some∣what overweening; whereupon Joanninus de Barrauco libro de copiositate reverentiarum, thinks that they are called Parisians, from the Greek word 〈 in non-Latin alphabet 〉〈 in non-Latin alphabet 〉, which signifies bold∣nesse and liberty in speech. This done, he considered the great bells, which were in the said tours, and made them sound very har∣moniously, which whilest he was doing, it came into his minde, that they would serve very well for tingling Tantans, and ringing Campanels, to hang about his mares neck, when she should be sent back to his father, (as he intended to do) loaded with Brie cheese, and fresh herring; and indeed he forthwith carried them to his lodging. In the mean while there came a master begar of the Fryers of S. Anthonie, to demand in his cant∣ting way the usual benevolence of some hog∣gish stuffe, who, that he might be heard afar off, and to make the bacon, he was in quest of, shake in the very chimneys, made account to filch them away privily. Neverthelesse, he

left them behinde very honestly, not for that they were too hot, but that they were some∣what too heavy for his carriage. This was not he of Bourg, for he was too good a friend of mine. All the city was risen up in sedition, they being (as you know) upon any slight oc∣casion, so ready to uproars and insurrections, that forreign nations wonder at the patience of the Kings of France, who do not by good justice restrain them from such tumultuous courses, seeing the manifold inconveniences which thence arise from day to day. Would to God I knew the shop, wherein are forged these divisions, and factious combinations, that I might bring them to light in the con∣fraternities of my parish. Beleeve for a truth, that the place wherein the people gathered together, were thus sulfured, hoparymated, moiled and bepist, was called Nesle, where then was, (but now is no more) the Oracle of Leucotia: There was the case proposed, and the inconvenience shewed of the trans∣porting of the bells: after they had well er∣gotedpro and con, they concluded in Baralip∣ton, that they should send the oldest and most sufficient of the facultie unto Gargan∣tua, to signifie unto him the great and hor∣rible prejudice they sustain by the want of those bells; and notwithstanding the good reasons given in by some of the University, why this charge was fitter for an Oratour

then a Sophister, there was chosen for this purpose our Master Janotus de Brag∣mardo.

GHAP. XVIII. How Janotus de Bragmardo was sent to Gar∣gantua, to recover the great bells.

MAster Janotus, with his haire cut round like a dish a La caesarine, in his most antick accoustrement Liripipionated with a graduates hood, and having sufficient∣ly antidoted his stomack with Oven-Mar∣malades, that is, bread and holy water of the Cellar, transported himself to the lodging of Gargantua, driving before him three red muzled beadles, and dragging after him five of six artlesse masters, all throughly bedag∣led with the mire of the streets. At their entry Ponocrates met them, who was afraid, seeing them so disguised, and thought they had been some maskers out of their wits, which moved him to enquire of one of the said artlesse masters of the company, what this mummery meant? it was answered him, that they desired to have their bells resto∣red to them. Assoon as Ponocrates heard that, he ran in all haste to carry the newes un∣unto

Gargantua, that he might be ready to an∣swer them, and speedily resolve what was to be done. Gargantua being advertised here∣of, called apart his Schoolmaster Ponocrates, Philotimus Steward of his house, Gymnastes his Esquire, and Eudemon, and very summa∣rily conferred with them, both of what he should do, and what answer he should give. They were all of opinion that they should bring them unto the goblet-office, which is the Buttery, and there make them drink like Roysters, and line their jackets soundly: and that this cougher might not be puft up with vain-glory, by thinking the bells were resto∣red at his request, they sent (whilest he was chopining and plying the pot) for the Major of the City, the Rector of the facultie, and the Vicar of the Church, unto whom they re∣solved to deliver the bells, before the So∣phister had propounded his commission; af∣ter that, in their hearing he should pronounce his gallant Oration, which was done, and they being come, the Sophister was brought into a full hall, and began as followeth, in cough∣ing.

CHAP. XIX. The Oration of Master Jonatus de Bragmardo, for recovery of the bells.

HEm, hem, Gudday Sirs, Gudday & vo∣bis my masters, it were but reason that you should restore to us our bells; for we have great need of them. Hem, hem, aihfu∣hash, we have often-times heretofore refused good money for them of those of London in Cahors, yea and of those of Bourdeaux in Brie, who would have bought them for the substantifick quality of the elementary com∣plexion, which is intronificated in the terre∣streity of their quidditative nature, to ex∣traneize the blasting mists, and whirlwindes upon our Vines; indeed not ours, but these round about us: for if we lose the piot and liquour of the grape, we lose all both sense and law. If you restore them unto us at my request, I shall gaine by it six basketfuls of sauciges, and a fine paire of breeches, which will do my legs a great deal of good, or else they will not keep their promise to me. Ho by gob domine, a paire of breeches is good, & vir sapiens non abhorrebit eam. Ha, ha, a paire of breeches is not so easily got, I have

experience of it my self. Consider, Domine, I have been these eighteen dayes in metagra∣bolising this brave speech, Reddite quae sunt Caesaris, Caesari, & quae sunt Dei, Deo. Ibi jacet lepus, by my faith, Domine, if you will sup with me in cameris, by cox body, charitatis nos faciemus bonum cherubin; ego occidit unum porcum, & ego habet bonum vino: but of good wine we cannot make bad Latine. Well, de parte Dei datè nobis bellas nostras; Hold, I give you in the name of the facul∣tie a Sermones de utino, that utinam you would give us our bells. Vultis etiam pardonos? per diem vos habebitis, & nihil payabitis. O Sir Domine, Bellagivaminor nobis; verily, est bonum vobis. They are useful to every bo∣dy, if they fit your mare well, so do they do our facultie; quae comparata est jumentis insi∣plentibus, & similis factae est eis, Psalmo nescio quo; yet did I quote it in my note-book & est unum bonum Achilles, a good defend∣ing argument, hem, hem, hem, haikhash; for I prove unto you that you should give me them. Ego sic argumentor, Omnis bella bella∣bilis in Bellerio bellando, bellans bellative, bellare facit, bellabiliter bellantes: parisius ha∣bet bellas; ergo gluc. Ha, ha, ha, this is spoken to some purpose; it is in tertio primae, in Darii, or elsewhere. By my soul, I have seen the time that I could play the devil in arguing, but now I am much failed, and

henceforward want nothing but a cup of good wine, a good bed, my back to the fire, my belly to the table, and a good deep dish. Hei domine, I beseech you, in nomine Patris, Filii, & Spiritûs sancti, Amen, to restore unto us our bells: and God keep you from evil, and our Lady from health; qui vivit & regnat per omnia secula seculorum. Amen. Hem, hashchehhawksash, qzrchremhemhash, verùm enim vero, quandoquidem, dubio procul, aedepol, quoniam, ità certè, medius fidius; A Town without bells is like a blinde man without a staffe, an Asse without a crupper, and a Cow without Cymbals; therefore be assured, until you have restored them unto us, we will never leave crying after you, like a blinde man that hath lost his staffe, braying like an Asse without a crupper, and making a noise like a Cow without Cymbals: A certain Latinisator dwelling near the Hos∣pital, said since, producing the authority of one Taponnus, I lie, it was Pontanus the se∣cular Poet, who wish't those bells had been made of feathers, and the clapper of a fox∣tail, to the end they might have begot a chronicle in the bowels of his braine, when he was about the composing of his carmini∣formal lines: but Nac petetin petetac tic torche Lorgne, or Rot kipipur kipipot put pantse malf. He was declared an Heretick; We make them as of wax. And no more said the de∣ponent.

Valete & plaudite. Calepinus re∣censui.

CHAP. XX. How the Sophister carried away his cloth, and how he had a suite in law against the other Masters.

THe Sophister had no sooner ended, but Ponocrates and Eudemon burst out in a laughing so heartily, that they had al∣most split with it, and given up the ghost, in rendering their souls to God: even just as Crassus did, seeing a lubberly Asse eate thistles; and as Philemon, who for seeing an Asse eate those figs which were provided for his own dinner, died with force of laughing: together with them Master Jonatus fell a laughing too as fast as he could, in which mood of laughing they continued so long, that their eyes did water by the vehement concussion of the substance of the braine, by which these lachrymal humidities, being prest out, glided through the optick nerves, and so to the full represented Democritus He∣raclitising, and Heraclitus Democritising. When they had done laughing, Gargantua consulted with the prime of his retinue, what should be done. There Ponocrates was

of opinion, that they should make this faire Orator drink again, and seeing he had shew∣ed them more pastime, and made them laugh more then a natural soule could have done, that they should give him ten baskets full of sauciges, mentioned in his pleasant speech, with a paire of hose, three hundred great billets of log-wood, five and twenty hogsheads of wine, a good large down-bed, and a deep capacious dish, which he said were necessary for his old age; All this was done as they did appoint: only Gargantua doubt∣ing that they could not quickly finde out breeches fit for his wearing, because he knew not what fashion would best become the said Orator, whether the martingal fa∣shion of breeches, wherein is a spunghole with a draw-bridge, for the more easie ca∣guing: or the fashion of the Marriners, for the greater solace and comfort of his kid∣neyes: or that of the Switsers, which keeps warm the bedondaine or belly-tabret: or round breeches with streat cannions, having in the seat a piece like a Cods taile; all which considered, for feare of over-heating his reines, he caused to be given him seven elles of white cloth for the linings. The wood was carried by the Porters, the Masters of Arts carried the sauciges and the dishes, and Master Janotus himself would carry the cloth. One of the said Masters, (called Jesse

Bandouille,) shewed him that it was not seemly nor decent for one of his condition to do so, and that therefore he should deli∣ver it to one of them: Ha, said Janotus, Bau∣det, Baudet, or Blockhead, Blockhead, thou dost not conclude in modo & figura; for loe, to this end serve the suppositions, & parva Logicalia: pannus, pro quo supponit? Confusè (said Bandouille) & distributivè. I do not ask thee (said Janotus,) Blockhead, quomodo supponit, but pro quo? It is Blockhead pro ti∣biis meis, and therefore I will carry it, Ego∣met, sicut suppositum, portat appositum; so did he carry it away very close and covertly, as Patelin the Buffoon did his cloth. The best was, that when this cougher in a full act or assembly held at the Mathurins, had with great confidence required his breeches and sauciges, and that they were flatly denied him, because he had them of Gargantua, ac∣cording to the informations thereupon made, he shewed them that this was gratis, and out of his liberality, by which they were not in any sort quit of their promises. Not∣withstanding this, it was answered him, that he should be content with reason, without ex∣pectation of any other bribe there. Reason? (said Janotus,) we use none of it here, un∣luckie traitors, you are not worth the hang∣ing: the earth beareth not more arrant Vil∣lains then you are, I know it well enough;

Halt not before the lame; I have practised wickednesse with you: by Gods rattle I will inform the King of the enormous abuses that are forged here, and carried underhand by you, and let me be a Leper, if he do not burn you alive like Sodomites, Traitors, He∣reticks and Seducers, enemies to God and vertue. Upon these words they framed ar∣ticles against him: he on the other side warned them to appear: In summe, the Processe was retained by the Court, and is there as yet. Hereupon the Magisters made a vow, never to decrott themselvs in rubbing off the dirt of either their shoes or clothes: Master Janotus with his Adherents, vowed never to blow or snuffe their noses, until judgement were given by a definitive sen∣tence; by these vows do they continue unto this time both dirty and snottie; for the Court hath not garbeled, sifted, and fully looked in∣to all the pieces as yet. The judgment or de∣cree shall be given out & pronounced at the next Greek Calends, that is, never: as you know that they do more then nature, and contrary to their own articles: the articles of Paris maintain, that to God alone belongs infinitie, and nature produceth nothing that is immortal; for she putteth an end and pe∣riod to all things by her engendered, accord∣ing to the saying, Omnia orta cadunt, &c. But these thick mist-swallowers make the

suits in law depending before them, both infinite and immortal; in doing whereof, they have given occasion to, and verified the saying of Chilo the Lacedemonian, consecra∣ted to the Oracle at Delphos, that misery is the inseparable companion of law-debates: and that pleaders are miserable; for sooner shall they attain to the end of their lives, then to the final decision of their pretended rights.

CHAP. XXI. The Study of Gargantua, according to the discipline of his Schoolmasters the Sophisters.

THe first day being thus spent, and the bells put up again in their own place, the Citizens of Paris, in acknowledgement of this courtesie, offered to maintain and feed his Mare as long as he pleased, which Gargantua took in good part, and they sent her to graze in the forrest of Biere. I think she is not there now. This done, he with all his heart submitted his study to the discreti∣on of Ponocrates: who for the beginning ap∣pointed that he should do as he was accu∣stomed, to the end he might understand by

what meanes, in so long time, his old Ma∣sters had made him so sottish and ignorant. He disposed therefore of his time in such fa∣shion, that ordinarily he did awake betwixt eight and nine a clock, whether it was day or not, (for so had his ancient governours or∣dained,) alledging that which David saith, Vanum est vobis ante lucem surgere. Then did he tumble and tosse, wag his legs, and wal∣low in the bed sometime, the better to stirre up, and rouse his vital spirits, and apparel∣led himself according to the season: but willingly he would weare a great long gown of thick freeze, furred with fox-skins. Af∣terwards he combed his head with an Alman combe, which is the foure fingers and the thumb: for his Praeceptor said, that to comb himself otherwayes, to wash and make him∣self neat, was to lose time in this world. Then he dung'd, pist, spued, belched, crack∣ed, yawned, spitted, coughed, yexed, sneez∣ed and snotted himself like an Arch-deacon: and to suppresse the dew and bad aire, went to breakfast, having some good fried tripes, faire rashers on the coales, excellent ga∣mons of bacon, store of fine minced meat, and a great deal of sippet brewis, made up of the fat of the beef-pot, laid upon bread, cheese and chop't pursley strewed together. Ponocrates shewed him, that he ought not to eat so soon after rising out of his bed, un∣lesse

he had performed some exercise before∣hand: Gargantua answered, What have not I sufficiently well exercised my self? I have wallowed and rolled my self six or seven turnes in my bed, before I rose: is not that enough? Pope Alexander did so, by the ad∣vice of a Jew his Physician, and lived till his dying day in despite of his enemies. My first Masters have used me to it, saying that to breakfast made a good memory, and there∣fore they drank first. I am very well after it, and dine but the better: and Master Tubal, (who was the first Licenciat at Paris,) told me that it was not enough to run apace, but to set forth betimes; so doth not the total welfare of our humanity depend upon per∣petual drinking in a rible rable, like ducks, but on drinking early in the morning: unde versus,

To rise betimes is no good houre. To drink betimes is better sure.

After that he had throughly broke his fast, he went to Church, and they carried to him in a great basket, a huge impantousted or thick-covered breviary, weighing what in grease, clasps, parchment and cover, little more or lesse then eleven hundred and six pounds. There he heard six and twenty or thirty Masses: This while, to the same place

came his orison-mutterer impaletocked, or lap't up about the chin, like a tufted whoop, and his breath pretty well antidoted with store of the Vine-tree-sirrup: with him he mumbled all his Kiriele, and dunsical brebo∣rions, which he so curiously thumbed and fingered, that there fell not so much as one graine to the ground; as he went from the Church, they brought him upon a Dray drawn with oxen, a confused heap of Pati∣notres and Aves of Sante Claude, every one of them being of the bignesse of a hat∣block; and thus walking through the cloy∣sters, galleries or garden, he said more in turning them over, then sixteen Hermites would have done. Then did he study some paltry half-houre with his eyes fixed upon his book; but (as the Comick saith,) his minde was in the Kitchin. Pissing then a full Urinal, he sate down at table: and be∣cause he was naturally flegmatick, he began his meale with some dozens of gammons, dried neats tongues, hard rowes of mullet, called Botargos, Andouilles or sauciges, and such other forerunners of wine; in the mean while, foure of his folks did cast into his mouth one after another continually mu∣stard by whole shovels full. Immediately after that, he drank a horrible draught of white-wine for the ease of his kidneys. When that was done, he ate according to

the season meat agreeable to his appetite, and then left off eating when his belly be∣gan to strout, and was like to crack for ful∣nesse; as for his drinking, he had in that nei∣ther end nor rule; for he was wont to say, that the limits and bounds of drinking were, when the cork of the shoes of him that drinketh, swelleth up half a foot high.

CHAP. XXII. The Games of Gargantua.

THen blockishly mumbling with a set on countenance a piece of scurvie grace, he wash't his hands in fresh wine, pick't his teeth with the foot of a hog, and talked jovially with his Attendants: then the Car∣pet being spred, they brought plenty of cardes, many dice, with great store and abun∣dance of checkers and chesse-boards.

There he played.

• At Flusse.
• At Primero.
• At the beast.
• At the rifle.
• At trump.
• At the prick and spare not.
• At the hundred.
• At the peenie.
• At the unfortunate wo∣man.
• ...

• At the fib.
• At the passe ten.
• At one and thirtie.
• At post and paire, or e∣ven and sequence.
• At three hundred.
• At the unluckie man.
• At the last couple in hell.
• At the hock.
• At the surlie.
• At the lanskenet.
• At the cukoe.
• At puffe, or let him speak that hath it.
• At take nothing and throw out.
• At the marriage.
• At the frolick or jack∣daw.
• At the opinion.
• At who doth the one, doth the other.
• At the sequences.
• At the ivory bundles.
• At the tarots.
• At losing load him.
• At he's gulled and esto.
• At the torture.
• At the handruf.
• At the click.
• At honours.
• At love.
• At the chesse.
• At Reynold the fox.
• At the squares.
• At the cowes.
• At the lottery.
• At the chance or mum∣chance.
• At three dice or maniest bleaks.
• At the tables.
• At nivinivinack.
• At the lurch.
• At doublets or queens-game.
• At the failie.
• At the french tictac.
• At the long tables or fer∣keering.
• At feldown.
• At Tods body.
• At needs must.
• At the dames ordraughts
• At bob and mow.
• At primus secundus.
• At mark-knife.
• At the keyes.
• At span-counter.
• At even or odd.
• At crosse or pile.
• At bal and huckle-bones.
• At ivory balls.
• ...

• At the billiards.
• At bob and hit.
• At the owle.
• At the charming of the hare.
• At pull yet a little.
• At trudgepig.
• At the magatapies.
• At the horne.
• At the flowerd orshrove∣tide oxe.
• At the madge-owlet.
• At pinch without laugh∣ing.
• At prickle me tickle me.
• At the unshoing of the Asse.
• At the cocksesse.
• At hari hohi.
• At I set me down.
• At earle beardie.
• At the old mode.
• At draw the spit.
• At put out.
• At gossip lend me your sack.
• At the ramcod ball.
• At thrust out the harlot.
• At marfeil figs.
• At nicknamrie.
• At stick and hole.
• At boke or him, or flay∣ing the fox.
• At the branching it.
• At trill madam or graple my Lady.
• At the cat selling.
• At blow the coale.
• At the rewedding.
• At the quick and dead judge.
• At unoven the iron.
• At the false clown.
• At the flints, or at the nine stones.
• At to the crutch hulch back.
• At the Sanct is found.
• At hinch, pinch and laugh not.
• At the leek.
• At Bumdockdousse.
• At the loose gig.
• At the hoop.
• At the sow.
• At belly to belly.
• At the dales or straths.
• At the twigs.
• At the quoits.
• At I'm for that.
• At tilt at weekie.
• At nine pins.
• ...

• at the cock quintin.
• at tip and hurle.
• at the flat bowles.
• at the veere and tourn.
• at rogue and ruffian.
• at bumbatch touch.
• at the mysterious trough.
• at the short bowles.
• at the daple gray.
• at cock and crank it.
• at break-pot.
• at my desire.
• at twirlie whirlietrill.
• at the rush bundles.
• at the short staffe.
• at the whirling gigge.
• at hide and seek, or are you all hid.
• at the picket.
• at the blank.
• at the pilfrers.
• at the caveson.
• at prison barres.
• at have at the nuts.
• at cherrie-pit.
• at rub and rice.
• at whip-top.
• at the casting top.
• at the hobgoblins.
• at the O wonderful.
• at the soilie smutchie.
• at fast and loose.
• at scutchbreech.
• at the broom-beesome.
• at St. Cosme I come to adore thee.
• at the lustie brown boy.
• at I take you napping.
• at faire and softly passeth lent.
• at the forked oak.
• at trusse.
• at the wolfes taile.
• at bum to busse, or nose in breech.
• at Geordie give me my lance.
• at swaggie, waggie or shoggieshou.
• at stook and rook, sheare, and threave.
• at the birch.
• at the musse.
• at the dillie dilli darling.
• at oxe moudie.
• at purpose in purpose.
• at nine lesse.
• at blinde-man-buffe.
• at the fallen bridges.
• at bridled nick.
• at the white at buts.
• ...

• at thwack swinge him.
• at apple, peare, plum.
• at mumgl.
• at the toad.
• at cricket.
• at the pounding stick.
• at jack and the box.
• at the queens.
• at the trades.
• at heads and points.
• at the vine-tree hug.
• at black be thy fall.
• at ho the distaffe.
• at Joane Thomson.
• at the boulting cloth.
• at the oats seed.
• at greedie glutton.
• at the morish dance.
• at feebie.
• at the whole frisk and gambole.
• at battabum, or riding of the wilde mare.
• at Hinde the Plowman.
• at the good mawkin.
• at the dead beast.
• at climbe the ladder Billie.
• at the dying hog.
• at the salt doup.
• at the pretty pigeon.
• at barley break.
• at the bavine.
• at the bush leap.
• at crossing.
• at bo-peep.
• at the hardit arsepursie.
• at the harrowers nest.
• at forward hey.
• at the fig.
• at gunshot crack.
• at mustard peel.
• at the gome.
• at the relapse.
• at jog breech, or prick him forward.
• at knockpate.
• at the Cornish cough.
• at the crane-dance.
• at slash and cut.
• at bobbing, or the flirt on the nose.
• at the larks.
• at filipping.

After he had thus well played, reveled, past and spent his time, it was thought fit to

drink a little, and that was eleven glassefuls the man, and immediately after making good cheer again, he would stretch himelf upon a faire bench, or a good large bed, and there sleep two or three houres together, without thinking or speaking any hurt. After he was awakened he would shake his eares a little. In the mean time they brought him fresh wine, there he drank better then ever. Pono∣crates shewed him, that it was an ill diet to drink so after sleeping. It is (answered Gar∣gantua,) the very life of the Patriarchs and holy Fathers; for naturally I sleepe salt, and my sleep hath been to me in stead of so ma∣ny gamons of bacon. Then began he to study a little, and out came the patenotres or rosary of beads: which the better and more formally to dispatch, he got up on an old mule, which had served nine Kings, and so mumbling with his mouth, nodding and dodling his head, would go see a coney fer∣retted or caught in a grinne; At his return he went into the Kitchin, to know what roste meat was on the spit, and what otherwayes was to be drest for supper: and supped very well upon my conscience: and commonly did invite some of his neighbours that were good drinkers, with whom carousing and drinking merrily, they told stories of all sorts from the old to the new. Amongst others, he had for domesticks the Lords of Fou, of

Gourville, of Griniot, and of Marigny. After supper were brought in upon the place the faire wooden Gospels, and the books of the foure Kings, that is to say, many paires of tables and cardes: or the faire flusse, one, two, three: or at all to make short work: or else they went to see the wenches there-abouts with little small banquets, intermix∣ed with collations and reer-Suppers. Then did he sleep without unbrideling, until eighr a clock in the next morning.

CHAP. XXIII. How Gargantua was instructed by Ponocrates, and in such sort disciplinated, that he lost not one houre of the day.

WHen Ponocrates knew Gargantua's vicious manner of living, he resol∣ved to bring him up in another kinde; but for a while he bore with him, considering that nature cannot endure a sudden change, without great violence. Therefore to begin his work the better, he requested a learned Physician of that time, called Master Theo∣dorus, seriously to perpend (if it were pos∣sible,) how to bring Gargantua unto a better course; the said Physician purged him cano∣nically

with Anticyrian ellebore, by which medicine he cleansed all the alteration, and perverse habitude of his braine. By this meanes also Ponocrates made him forget all that he had learned under his ancient Praece∣ptors, as Timothie did to his disciples, who had been instructed under other Musicians. To do this the better, they brought him into the company of learned men, which were there, in whose imitation he had a great desire and affection to study otherwayes, and to improve his parts. Afterwards he put himself into such a road and way of studying, that he lost not any one houre in the day, but employed all his time in learning, and honest knowledge. Gargantua awaked them about foure a clock in the morning; whilest they were in rubbing of him, there was read unto him some chapter of the holy Scripture aloud and clearly, with a pronunciation fit for the matter, and hereunto was appointed a young page borne in Basche, named Ana∣gnostes, according to the purpose and argu∣ment of that lesson, he oftentimes gave him∣self to worship, adore, pray, and send up his supplications to that good God, whose Word did shew his majesty and marvellous judgement. Then went he unto the secret places to make excretion of his natural dige∣stions: there his Master repeated what had been read, expounding unto him the most

obscure and difficult points; in returning, they considered the face of the sky, if it was such as they had observed it the night be∣fore, and into what signes the Sun was en∣tering, as also the Moon for that day. This done, he was apparelled, combed, curled, trimmed and perfumed, during which time they repeated to him the lessons of the day before: he himself said them by heart, and upon them would ground some practical ca∣ses concerning the estate of man, which he would prosecute sometimes two or three houres, but ordinarily they ceased assoon as he was fully clothed. Then for three good houres he had a lecture read unto him. This done, they went forth, still conferring of the substance of the lecture, either unto a field near the University called the Brack, or unto the medowes where they played at the ball, the long-tennis, and at the Piletrigone, (which is a play wherein we throw a triangu∣lar piece of iron at a ring, to passe it,) most gallantly exercising their bodies, as former∣ly they had done their mindes. All their play was but in liberty, for they left off when they pleased, and that was commonly when they did sweat over all their body, or were otherwayes weary. Then were they very well wiped and rubbed, shifted their shirts, and walking soberly, went to see if dinner were ready. Whilest they stayed for that,

they did clearly and eloquently pronounce some sentences that they had retained of the lecture, in the mean time Master Appetite came, and then very orderly sate they down at table; at the beginning of the meale, there was read some pleasant history of the warlike actions of former times, until he had taken a glasse of wine. Then (if they thought good) they continued reading, or began to discourse merrily together; speaking first of the vertue, propriety, efficacy and nature of all that was served in at the table: of bread, of wine, of water, of salt, of fleshes, fishes, fruits, herbs, roots, and of their dres∣sing; by meanes whereof, he learned in a little time all the passages competent for this that were to be found in Plinie, Athe∣naeus, Dioscorides, Julius Pollux, Galen, Por∣phirie, Oppian, Polybius, Heliodore, Aristotle, Elian, and others. Whilest they talked of these things, many times to be the more cer∣tain, they caused the very books to be brought to the table, and so well and per∣fectly did he in his memory retain the things abovesaid, that in that time there was not a Physician that knew half so much as he did. Afterwards they conferred of the lessons read in the morning, and ending their repast with some conserve or marmelade of quinces: he pick't his teeth with mastick tooth-pickers; wash't his hands and eyes with faire fresh

water, and gave thanks unto God in some fine Canticks, made in praise of the divine bounty and munificence. This done, they brought in cards, not to play, but to learn a thousand pretty tricks, and new inventions, which were all grounded upon Arithmetick: by this meanes he fell in love with that nu∣merical science, and every day after dinner and supper he past his time in it as pleasant∣ly, as he was wont to do at cardes and dice: so that at last he understood so well both the Theory and Practical part thereof; that Tun∣stal the Englishman, who had written very largely of that purpose, confessed that veri∣ly in comparison of him he had no skill at all. And not only in that, but in the other Mathematical Sciences, as Geometrie, Astro∣nomie, Musick, &c. for in waiting on the concoction, and attending the digestion of his food, they made a thousand pretty instru∣ments and Geometrical figures, & did in some measure practise the Astronomical canons.

After this, they recreated themselves with singing musically, in foure or five parts, or upon a set theme or ground at random, as it best pleased them; in matter of musical in∣struments, he learned to play upon the Lute, the Virginals, the Harp, the Allman Flute with nine holes, the Viol, and the Sackbut. This houre thus spent, and digestion finish∣ed, he did purge his body of natural excre∣ments,

then betook himself to his principal study for three houres together, or more, as well to repeat his matutinal lectures, as to proceed in the book wherein he was, as also to write handsomly, to draw and forme the Antick and Romane letters. This being done, they went out of their house, and with them a young Gentleman of Touraine, named the Esquire Gymnast, who taught him the Art of riding; changing then his clothes, he rode a Naples courser, a Dutch roussin, a Spa∣nish gennet, a barded or trapped steed, then a light fleet horse, unto whom he gave a hun∣dred carieres, made him go the high saults, bounding in the aire, free the ditch with a skip, leap over a stile or pale, turne short in a ring both to the right and left hand. There he broke not his lance; for it is the greatest foolery in the world, to say, I have broken ten lances at tilt, or in fight, a Carpenter can do even as much: but it is a glorious and praise-worthy action, with one lance to break and overthrow ten enemies: therefore with a sharp, stiffe, strong and well-steeled lance, would he usually force up a door, pierce a har∣nesse, beat down a tree, carry away the ring, lift up a cuirasier saddle, with the male-coat and gantlet; all this he did in compleat armes from head to foot. As for the prancing flou∣rishes, and smacking popismes, for the bet∣ter cherishing of the horse, commonly used

in riding, none did them better then he. The cavallerize of Ferrara was but as an Ape compared to him. He was singularly skilful in leaping nimbly from one horse to another, without putting foot to ground, and these horses were called desultories: he could like∣wise from either side, with a lance in his hand, leap on horseback without stirrups, and rule the horse at his pleasure without a bridle, for such things are useful in military engagements. Another day he exercised the battel-axe, which he so dextrously wield∣ed, both in the nimble, strong and smooth management of that weapon, and that in all the feats practiseable by it, that he past Knight of Armes in the field, and at all Es∣sayes. Then tost he the pike, played with the two-handed sword, with the backsword, with the spanish tuck, the dagger, poiniard, armed, unarmed, with a buckler, with a cloak, with a targuet. Then would he hunt the Hart, the Roe-buck, the Beare, the fallow Deer, the wilde Boare, the Hare, the Phesant, the Par∣tridge and the Bustard. He played at the ba∣loon, and made it bound in the aire, both with fist and foot. He wrestled, ran, jump∣ed, not at three steps and a leap (called the hops,) nor at clochepied, (called the Hares leap,) nor yet at the Almanes; for (said Gymnast,) these jumps are for the warres altogether unprofitable, and of no use: but at one leap

he would skip over a ditch, spring over a hedge, mount six paces upon a wall, ramp and grapple after this fashion up against a window, of the full height of a lance. He did swim in deep waters on his belly, on his back, sidewise, with all his body, with his feet only, with one hand in the air, wherin he held a book, crossing thus the bredth of the river of Seine, without wetting it, and dragged along his cloak with his teeth, as did Julius Caesar; then with the help of one hand, he entred forcibly into a boat, from whence he cast himself again headlong into the water, sound∣ed the depths, hollowed the rocks, and plun∣ged into the pits and gulphs. Then turned he the boat about, governed it, led it swiftly or slowly with the stream and against the stream, stopped it in its course, guided it with one hand, and with the other laid hard about him with a huge great Oare, hoised the saile, hied up along the mast by the shrouds, ran upon the edge of the decks, set the com∣passe in order, tackled the boulins, and steer'd the helme. Coming out of the wa∣ter, he ran furiously up against a hill, and with the same alacrity and swiftnesse ran down again; he climbed up at trees like a cat; and leaped from the one to the other like a squirrel; he did pull down the great boughes and branches, like another Milo; then with two sharp well-steeled daggers,

and two tried bodkins, would he run up by the wall to the very top of a house like a cat; then suddenly came down from the top to the bottom, with such an even composition of members, that by the fall he would catch no harme.

He did cast the dart, throw the barre, put the stone, practise the javelin, the boar-spear or partisan, and the halbard; he broke the strongest bowes in drawing, bended against his breast the greatest crosse-bowes of steele, took his aime by the eye with the hand-gun, and shot well, traversed and planted the Ca∣non, shot at but-marks, at the papgay from below upwards, or to a height; from above downwards, or to adescent, then before him, sidewise, and behinde him, like the Parthi∣ans. They tied a cable-rope to the top of a high Tower, by one end whereof hanging near the ground, he wrought himself with his hands to the very top: Then upon the same tract came down so sturdily and firme that you could not on a plaine meadow have run with more assurance. They set up a great pole fixed upon two trees, there would he hang by his hands, and with them alone, his feet touching at nothing, would go back and sore along the foresaid rope with so great swiftnesse, that hardly could one over∣take him with running; and then to exer∣cise his breast and lungs, he would shout like

all the Devils in hell; I heard him once call Eudemon from St. Victors gate to Monmar∣tre: Stentor had never such a voyce at the siege of Troy. Then for the strengthening of his nerves or sinewes, they made him two great sows of lead, each of them weigh∣ing eight thousand and seven hundred kintals, which they called Alteres; those he took up from the ground in each hand one, then lifted them up over his head, and held them so without stirring three quarters of an hour and more, which was an inimitable force; he fought at Barriers with the stout∣est and most vigorous Champions: and when it came to the cope he stood so sturdi∣ly on his feet, that he abandoned himself unto the strongest, in case they could remove him from his place, as Milo was wont to do of old; in whose imitation likewise he held a Pomgranat in his hand, to give it unto him that could take it from him: The time be∣ing thus bestowed, and himself rubbed, cleansed, wiped, and refresht with other clothes, he returned fair and softly; and passing through certain meadows, or other grassie places, beheld the trees and plants, comparing them with what is written of them in the books of the Ancients, such as Theophrast, Dioscorides, Marinus, Plinie, Nicander, Macer, and Galen, and carried home to the house great handfuls of them,

whereof a young Page called Rizotomos had charge; together with little Mattocks, Pick∣axes, Grubbing-hooks, Cabbies, Pruning-knives, and other instruments requisite for herborising. Being come to their lodging, whilest supper was making ready, they re∣peated certain passages of that which hath been read, and sate down at table. Here re∣mark, that his dinner was sober and thrifty, for he did then eat only to prevent the gnawings of his stomack, but his supper was copious and large; for he took then as much as was fit to maintaine and nourish him; which indeed is the true diet prescribed by the Art of good and sound Physick. Al∣though a rabble of loggerheaded Physicians, nuzzeled in the brabling shop of Sophisters, counsel the contrary; during that repast was continued the lesson read at dinner as long as they thought good: the rest was spent in good discourse, learned and profitable. Af∣ter that they had given thanks, he set himself to sing vocally, and play upon harmonious instruments, or otherwayes passed his time at some pretty sports, made with cards or dice; or in practising the feats of Legerde∣main, with cups and balls. There they stay∣ed some nights in frolicking thus, and ma∣king themselves merrie till it was time to go to bed; and on other nights they would go make visits unto learned men, or to such as

had been travellers in strange and remote countreys. When it was full night before they retired themselves, they went unto the most open place of the house to see the face of the sky, and there beheld the comets, if a∣ny were, as likewise the figures, situations, aspects, oppositions and conjunctions of the both fixed starres and planets.

Then with his Master did he briefely re∣capitulate after the manner of the Pythagore∣ans, that which he had read, seen, learned, done and understood in the whole course of that day.

Then prayed they unto God the Creator, in falling down before him, and strength∣ening their faith towards him, and glori∣fying him for his boundlesse bounty, and giving thanks unto him for the time that was past, they recommended themselves to his divine clemency for the future, which being done, they went to bed, and betook themselves to their repose and rest.

CHAP. XXIV. How Gargantua spent his time in rainie weather.

IF it happened that the weather were any thing cloudie, foul & rainie, all the forenoon was employed, as before specified, according to custom, with this difference only, that they had a good clear fire lighted, to correct the distempers of the aire: but after dinner, in stead of their wonted exercitations they did abide within, and by way of Apotherapie, (that is, a making the body healthful by exer∣cise,) did recreate themselves in botteling up of hay, in cleaving and sawing of wood, and in threshing sheaves of corn at the Barn. Then they studied the Art of painting or carving; or brought into use the antick play of tables, as Leonicus hath written of it, and as our good friend Lascaris playeth at it. In play∣ing they examined the passages of ancient Authors, wherein the said play is mentioned, or any metaphore drawn from it. They went likewise to see the drawing of mettals, or the casting of great ordnance: how the Lapidaries did work, as also the Goldsmiths and Cutters of precious stones: nor did they

omit to visit the Alchymists, money-coin∣ers, Upholsters, Weavers, Velvet-workers, Watchmakers, Looking-glasse-framers, Printers, Organists, and other such kinde of Artificers, and every where giving them somewhat to drink, did learne and consider the industry and invention of the trades. They went also to heare the publick le∣ctures, the solemn commencements, the re∣petitions, the acclamations, the pleadings of the gentle Lawyers, and Sermons of E∣vangelical Preachers. He went through the Halls and places appointed for fencing, and there played against the Masters themselves at all weapons, and shewed them by experi∣ence, that he knew as much in it as (yea more then) they. And instead of her borising, they visited the shops of Druggists, Herbalists and Apothecaries, and diligently considered the fruits, roots, leaves, gums, seeds, the grease and ointments of some forreign parts, as al∣so how they did adulterate them. He went to see the Juglers, Tumblers, Mountebanks and Quacksalvers; and considered their cun∣ning, their shifts, their summer-saults and smooth tongue, especially of those of Chau∣ny in Picardie, who are naturally great pra∣ters, and brave givers of fibs in matter of green apes. At their return they did eate more soberly at supper then at other times, and meats more desiccative and extenuating;

to the end that the intemperate moisture of the aire, communicated to the body by a necessary confinitie, might by this means be corrected, and that they might not receive any prejudice for want of their ordinary bo∣dily exercise. Thus was Gargantua govern∣ed, and kept on in this course of education, from day to day profiting, as you may un∣derstand such a young man of his age may of a pregnant judgement with good disci∣pline well continued. Which although at the beginning it seemed difficult, became a little after so sweet, so easie, and so delight∣ful, that it seemed rather the recreation of a King, then the study of a Scholar. Never∣thelesse Ponocrates, to divert him from this vehement intension of the spirits, thought fit once in a month, upon some fair and clear day to go out of the City betimes in the morning, either towards Gentilly, or Boulogne, or to Montrouge, or Charantou-bridge, or to Vanures, or St. Clou, and there spent all the day long in making the greatest chear that could be devised, sporting, making merry, drinking healths, playing, singing, dancing, tumbling in some faire medow, unnestling of sparrowes, taking of quailes, and fishing for frogs and crabs; but although that day was past without books or lecture, yet was it not spent without profit; for in the said medowes they usually repeated certain

pleasant verses of Virgils Agriculture, of Hesiod and of Politians husbandrie, would set a broach some wittie Latine Epigrams, then immediately turned them into round-lays and songs for dancing in the French language. In their feasting, they would som∣times separate the water from the wine that was therewith mixed, as Cato teacheth de re rustica, and Plinie with an ivie cup: would wash the wine in a basin full of water, then take it out again with a funnel as pure as e∣ver. They made the water go from one glasse to another, and contrived a thou∣sand little automatarie Engines, that is to say, moving of themselves.

CHAP. XXV. How there was great strife and debate, raised betwixt the Cake-bakers of Lerne, and those of Gargantua's countrey-whereupon were waged great warres.

AT that time, which was the season of Vintage, in the beginning of Harvest, when the countrey shepherds were set to keep the Vines, and hinder the Starlings from eating up the grapes: as some cake-bakers

of Lerne happened to passe along in the broad high way, driving unto the City ten or twelve horses loaded with cakes, the said shepherds courteously intreated them to give them some for their money, as the price then ruled in the market; for here it is to be remarked, that it is a celestial food to eate for breakfast hot fresh cakes with grapes, especially the frail clusters, the great red grapes, the muscadine, the verjuice grape and the luskard, for those that are costive in their belly; because it will make them gush out, and squirt the length of a Hunters staffe, like the very tap of a barrel; and often-times thinking to let a squib, they did all-to-besquatter and conskite themselves, whereupon they are commonly called the Vintage-thinkers. The Bunsellers or Cake-bakers were in nothing inclinable to their request; but (which was worse) did injure them most outragiously, calling them prat∣ling gablers, lickorous gluttons, freckled bit∣tors, mangie rascals, shiteabed scoundrels, drunken roysters, slie knaves, drowsie loi∣terers, slapsauce fellows, slabberdegullion druggels, lubbardly lowts, cosening foxes, ruffian rogues, paultrie customers, syco∣phant-varlets, drawlatch hoydons, flouting milksops, jeering companions, staring clowns, forlorn snakes, ninnie lobcocks, scurvie sneaksbies, fondling fops, base lowns,

sawcie coxcombs, idle lusks, scoffing Brag∣gards, noddie meacocks, blockish grutnols, dod-di-pol-jolt-heads, jobernol goosecaps, foolish loggerheads, slutch calf-lollies, grouthead gnat∣snappers, lob-dotterels, gaping changelings, codshead loobies, woodcock slangams, ninnie∣hammer flycatchers, noddiepeak simpletons; Turdie gut, shitten shepherds, and other such like defamatory epithetes, saying fur∣ther, that it was not for them to eate of these dainty cakes, but might very well con∣tent themselves with the course unraung∣ed bread, or to eat of the great brown houshold loaf. To which provoking words, one amongst them, called Forgier, (an honest fellow of his person, and a notable springal,) made answer very calmly thus: How long is it since you have got hornes, that you are become so proud? indeed formerly you were wont to give us some freely, and will you not now let us have any for our money? This is not the part of good neighbours, nei∣ther do we serve you thus when you come hi∣ther to buy our good corn, wherof you make your cakes and buns: besides that, we would have given you to the bargain some of our grapes, but by his Zounds, you may chance to repent it, and possibly have need of us at an∣other time, when we shall use you after the like manner, and therefore remember it. Then Marquet, a prime man in the confra∣ternity

of the cake-bakers, said unto him, Yea Sir, thou art pretty well crest-risen this morning, thou didst eat yesternight too much millet and bolymoug, come hither Sirrah, come hither, I will give thee some cakes: whereupon Forgier dreading no harm, in all simplicity went towards him, and drew a sixpence out of his leather sach∣el, thinking that Market would have sold him some of his cakes; but in stead of cakes, he gave him with his whip such a rude lash overthwart the legs, that the marks of the whipcord knots were apparent in them; then would have fled away, but Forgier cried out as loud as he could, O murther, murther, help, help, help, and in the mean time threw a great cudgel after him, which he carried under his arme, wherewith he hit him in the coronal joynt of his head, upon the crotaphick arterie of the right side thereof, so forcibly, that Marquet fell down from his mare, more like a dead then living man. Mean-while the farmers and countrey-swaines that were watching their walnuts near to that place, came running with their great poles and long staves, and laid such load on these cake-bakers, as if they had been to thresh up∣on green rie. The other shepherds and shepherdesses hearing the lamentable shout of Forgier, came with their slings and slack∣ies following them, and throwing great

stones at them, as thick as if it had been haile. At last they overtook them, and took from them about foure or five dosen of their cakes: neverthelesse they payed for them the ordi∣nary price, and gave them over and above one hundred egges, and three baskets full of mulberries. Then did the cake-bakers help to get up to his mare-Marquet, who was most shrewdly wounded, and forthwith returned to Lerne, changing the resolution they had to go to Pareille, threatning very sharp and boistrously the cowherds, shepherds and far∣mers of Sevile and Sinays. This done, the shepherds and shepherdesses made merry with these cakes and fine grapes, and sport∣ed themselves together at the sound of the pretty small pipe, scoffing and laughing at those vain-glorious cake-bakers, who had that day met with a mischief for want of crossing themselves with a good hand in the morning. Nor did they forget to apply to Forgiers leg some faire great red medicinal grapes, and so handsomly drest it and bound it up, that he was quickly cured.

CHAP. XXVI. How the inhabitants of Lerne, by the com∣mandment of Picrochole their King, assaulted the shepherds of Gar∣gantua, unexpectedly and on a sudden.

THe Cake-bakers being returned to Lerne, went presently, before they did either eat or drink, to the Capitol, and there before their King called Picrochole, the third of that name; made their complaint, shewing their paniers broken, their caps all crumpled, their coats torn, their cakes taken away, but above all Marquet most enormously wound∣ed, saying, that all that mischief was done by the shepherds and herdsmen of Grangousier, near the broad high way beyond Sevile: Pi∣chrocole incontinent grew angry and furious; and without asking any further what, how, why or wherefore? commanded the ban and arriere ban to be sounded through out all his countrey, that all his vassals of what con∣dition soever, should upon paine of the hal∣ter come in the best armes they could, unto the great place before the Castle, at the houre of noone, and the better to strengthen

his designe, he caused the drum to be beat about the town. Himself, whilest his dinner was making ready, went to see his artillery mounted upon the carriage, to display his co∣lours, and set up the great royal standard, and loaded waines with store of ammunition both for the field and the belly, armes and victuals: at dinner he dispatch't his com∣missions, and by his expresse Edict my Lord Shagrag was appointed to command the Vanguard, wherein were numbered sixteen thousand and fourteen harquebusiers or fire∣locks, together with thirty thousand and eleven Voluntier-adventurers. The great Touquedillion, Master of the horse, had the charge of the Ordnance, wherein were reckoned nine hundred and fourteen bra∣zen pieces, in cannons, double cannons, ba∣silisks, serpentines, culverins, bombards or murtherers, falcons, bases or passevolans, spiroles and other sorts of great guns. The Reerguard was committed to the Duke of Scrapegood: In the maine battel was the King, and the Princes of his Kingdome. Thus being hastily furnished, before they would set forward, they sent three hundred light horsemen under the conduct of Cap∣tain Swillwind, to discover the countrey, clear the avenues, and see whether there was any ambush laid for them: but after they had made diligent search, they found all the

land round about in peace and quiet, with∣out any meeting or convention at all; which Picrochole understanding, command∣ed that every one should march speedily un∣der his colours: then immediately in all dis∣order, without keeping either rank or file, they took the fields one amongst another, wasting, spoiling, destroying and making havock of all whereever they went, not spa∣ring poor nor rich, priviledged nor unprivi∣ledged places, Church nor Laity, drove a∣way oxen and cowes, bulls, calves, heifers, wethers, ewes, lambs, goats, kids, hens, capons, chickens, geese, ganders, goslings, hogs, swine, pigs and such like. Beating down the walnuts, plucking the grapes, tear∣ing the hedges, shaking the fruit-trees, and committing such incomparable abuses, that the like abomination was never heard of. Neverthelesse, they met with none to resist them, for every one submitted to their mer∣cy, beseeching them, that they might be dealt with courteously, in regard that they had alwayes carried themselves, as became good and loving neighbours, and that they had never been guilty of any wrong or out∣rage done upon them, to be thus suddenly surprised, troubled and disquieted, and that if they would not desist, God would punish them very shortly; to which expostulations and remonstrances no other answer was

made, but that they would teach them to eat cakes.

CHAP. XXVII. How a Monk of Sevile saved the Closse of the Abbey from being ransacked by the enemie.

SO much they did, and so farre they went pillaging and stealing, that at last they came to Sevile, where they robbed both men and women, and took all they could catch: nothing was either too hot or too heavie for them. Although the plague was there in the most part of all the houses, they neverthe∣lesse entered every where; then plundered and carried away all that was within; and yet for all this not one of them took any hurt, which is a most wonderful case. For the Curates, Vicars, Preachers, Physicians, Chirurgions and Apothecaries, who went to visit, to dresse, to cure, to heale, to preach unto, and admonish those that were sick were all dead of the infection; and these devillish robbers and murtherers caught ne∣ver any harme at all. Whence comes this to passe, (my masters) I beseech you think upon it? the town being thus pillaged, they

went unto the Abbey with a horrible noise and tumult, but they found it shut and made fast against them; whereupon the body of the army marched forward towards a passe or ford called the Sue de vede, except seven companies of foot, and two hundred lan∣ciers, who staying there, broke down the walls of the Closse, to waste, spoile and make havock of all the Vines and Vintage within that place. The Monks (poor devils) knew not in that extremity to which of all their Sancts they should vow themselves; never∣thelesse, at all adventures they rang the bells ad capitulum capitulantes: there it was de∣creed, that they should make a faire Processi∣on, stnssed with good lectures, prayers and letanies, contra hostium insidias, and jollie responses pro pace.

There was then in the Abbey a claustral Monk, called Freer Ihon of the funnels and gobbets, in French des entoumeures, young, gallant, frisk, lustie, nimble, quick, active, bold, adventurous, resolute, tall, lean, wide-mouthed, long-nosed, a faire dispatcher of morning prayers, unbridler of masses, and runner over of vigils: and to conclude sum∣marily in a word, a right Monk, if ever there was any, since the Monking world monked a Monkerie: for the rest a Clerk, even to the teeth in matter of breviary. This Monk hearing the noise that the enemy made with∣in

the inclosure of the Vineyard, went out to see what they were doing; and perceiving that they were cutting and gathering the grapes, whereon was grounded the foun∣dation of all their next yeares wine, return∣ed unto the quire of the Church where the other Monks were, all amazed and astonish∣ed like so many Bell-melters, whom when he heard sing, im, nim, pe, ne, ne, ne, ne, nene, tum, ne, num, num, ini, i mi, co, o, no, o, o, neno, ne, no, no, no, rum, nenum, num. It is well shit, well sung, (said he) by the vertue of God, why do not you sing Paniers fare∣well, Vintage is done; The devil snatch me, if they be not already within the middle of our Closse, and cut so well both Vines and Grapes, that by cods body there will not be found for these four yeares to come so much as a gleaning in it. By the belly of Sanct James, what shall we (poor devils) drink the while? Lord God! da mihi potum. Then said the Prior of the Covent, What should this drunken fellow do here, let him be carried to prison for troubling the divine service: Nay, said the Monk, the wine service, let us be∣have our selves so, that it be not troubled; for you your self, my Lord Prior, love to drink of the best, and so doth every honest man. Never yet did a man of worth dislike good wine, it is a monastical apophthegme. But these responses that you chant here by G.-

are not in season: wherefore is it that our devotions were instituted to be short in the time of Harvest and Vintage, and long in the Advent, and all the winter? The late Friar, Massepelosse of good memory, a true zealous man, (or else I give my self to the devil) of our religion, told me, and I re∣member it well, how the reason was, that in this season we might presse and make the wine, and in Winter whiffe it up. Heark you, my masters, you that love the wine, Cops body follow me, for Sanct Antonie burn me as freely as a fagot, if they get leave to taste one drop of the liquour, that will not now come and fight for relief of the Vine. Hogs belly, the goods of the Church! Ha, no, no: what the devil, Sanct Thomas of Eng∣land was well content to die for them; if I died in the same cause, should not I be a Sanct likewise? Yes: yet shall not I die there for all this, for it is I that must do it to o∣thers and send them a packing. As he spake this, he threw off his great Monks habit, and laid hold upon the staffe of the crosse, which was made of the heart of a sorbaple-tree, it being of the length of a lance, round, of a full gripe, and a little poudred with lilies called flower de luce, the workmanship whereof was almost all defaced and worn out. Thus went he out in a faire long-skirted jacket, putting his frock scarfewayes athwart his breast, and

in this equipage, with his staffe, shaft or truncheon of the crosse, laid on so lustily, brisk and fiercely upon his enemies, who without any order, or ensigne, or trumpet, or drum, were busied in gathering the grapes of the Vineyard; for the Cornets, Guidons and Ensigne-bearers, had laid down their standards, banners, and colours by the wall∣sides: the Drummers had knock't out the heads of their Drums on one end, to fill them with grapes: The Trumpeters were loaded with great bundles of bunches, and huge knots of clusters: In summe, every one of them was out of aray, and all in dis∣order. He hurried therefore upon them so rudely, without crying gare or beware, that he overthrew them like hogs, tumbled them over like swine, striking athwart and alongst, and by one means or other laid so about him, after the old fashion of fencing, that to some he beat out their braines, to others he crush∣ed their armes, battered their legs, and be∣thwacked their sides till their ribs cracked with it; to others again he unjoynted the spondyles or knuckles of the neck, disfigured their chaps, gashed their faces, made their cheeks hang flapping on their chin, and so swinged and belammed them, that they fell down before him like hay before a Mower: to some others he spoiled the frame of their kidneys, marred their backs, broke their

thigh-bones, pash't in their noses, poached out their eyes, cleft their mandibules, tore their jaws, dung in their teeth into their throat, shook asunder their omoplates or shoulder-blade, sphacelated their shins, mor∣tified their shanks, inflamed their ankles, hea∣ved off of the hinges their ishies, their scia∣tica or hip-gout, dislocated the joints of the knees, squattered into pieces the boughts or pestles of their thighs, and so thumped, mawled and belaboured them every where, that never was corne so thick and threefold thresh't upon by Plowmens flailes, as were the pitifully disjoynted members of their mangled bodies, under the mercilesse baton of the crosse. If any offered to hide himself amongst the thickest of the Vines, he laid him squat as a flounder, bruised the ridge of his back, and dash't his reines like a dog. If any thought by flight to escape, he made his head to flie in pieces by the Lambdoidal com∣missure, which is a seame in the hinder part of the scull. If any one did scramble up into a tree, thinking there to be safe, he rent up his perinee, and impaled him in at the funda∣ment. If any of his old acquaintance happen∣ed to cry out, Ha Fryar Ihon my friend, Fryar Ihon, quarter, quarter, I yield my self to you, to you I render my self: So thou shalt (said he) and must whether thou would∣est or no, and withal render and yield up thy

soul to all the devils in hell, then sudden∣ly gave them Dronos, that is, so many knocks, thumps, raps, dints, thwacks and bangs, as sufficed to warne Pluto of their com∣ing, and dispatch them a going: if any was so rash and full of temerity as to resist him to his face, then was it he did shew the strength of his muscles, for without more ado he did transpierce him, by running him in at the breast, through the mediastine and the heart. Others again he so quashed and bebumped, that with a sound bounce under the hollow of their short ribs, he overturned their sto∣machs so that they died immediately: to some with a smart souse on the Epigaster, he would make their midrif swag, then redoub∣ling the blow; gave them such a home-push on the navel, that he made their puddings to gush out. To others through their ballocks he pierced their bum-gut, and left not bow∣el, tripe nor intral in their body, that had not felt the impetuosity, fiercenesse and fu∣ry of his violence. Beleeve that it was the most horrible spectacle that ever one saw: some cried unto Sanct Barbe, others to St. George; O the holy Lady Nytouch, said one, the good Sanctesse; O our Lady of Succours, said another, help, help: others cried, Our Lady of Cunaut, of Loretta, of good tidings on the other side of the water St. Mary over: some vowed a pilgrimage to St. James, and

others to the holy handkerchief at Cham∣berrie, which three moneths after that burnt so well in the fire, that they could not get one thread of it saved: others sent up their vowes to St. Cadouin; others to St. Ihon d' Angelie, and to St. Eutropius of Xaintes: o∣thers again invoked St. Mesmes of Chinon, St. Martin of Candes, S. Clouod of Sinays, the holy relicks of Laurezay, with a thousand other jolly little Sancts and Santrels: Some died without speaking, others spoke without dy∣ing; some died in speaking, others spoke in dying. Others shouted as loud as they could, Confession, Confession, Confiteor, miserere, in manus; so great was the cry of the wound∣ed, that the Prior of the Abbey with all his Monks came forth, who when they saw these poor wretches so slain amongst the Vines, and wounded to death, confessed some of them: but whilest the Priests were busied in confessing them, the little Mon∣kies ran all to the place where Friar Ihon was, and asked him, wherein he would be plea∣sed to require their assistance? To which he answered, that they should cut the throats of those he had thrown down upon the ground. They presently leaving their outer habits and cowles upon the railes, began to throttle and make an end of those whom he had al∣ready crushed: Can you tell with what in∣struments they did it? with faire gullics,

which are little hulchback't demi-knives, the iron toole whereof is two inches long, and the wooden handle one inch thick, and three inches in length, wherewith the little boyes in our countrey cut ripe walnuts in two, (while they are yet in the shell,) and pick out the kernel, and they found them very fit for the expediting of that wezand-slitting ex∣ploit. In the mean time Friar Ihon with his formidable baton of the Crosse, got to the breach which the enemies had made, and there stood to snatch up those that endea∣voured to escape: Some of the Monkito's carried the standards, banners, ensignes, gui∣dons and colours into their cells and cham∣bers, to make garters of them. But when those that had been shriven, would have gone out at the gap of the said breach, the sturdy Monk quash't and fell'd them down with blowes, saying, These men have had confessi∣on and are penitent soules, they have got their absolution, and gained the pardons: they go into Paradise as streight as a sickle, or as the way is to Faye, (like Crooked-Lane at Eastcheap.) Thus by his prowesse and va∣lour were discomfited all those of the army that entred into the Closse of the Abbey, unto the number of thirteen thousand, six hundred, twenty and two, besides the wo∣men and little children, which is alwayes to be understood. Never did Maugis the Her∣mite

bear himself more valiantly with his bourdon or Pilgrims staffe against the Sara∣cens, of whom is written in the Acts of the foure sons of Haymon, then did this Monk a∣gainst his enemies with the staffe of the Crosse.

CHAP. XXVIII. How Picrochole stormed and took by assault the rock Clermond, and of Grangou∣siers unwillingnesse and aversion from the undertaking of warre.

WHilest the Monk did thus skirmish, as we have said, against those which were entred within the Closse; Picrochole in great haste passed the ford of Vede, (a ve∣ry especial passe) with all his souldierie, and set upon the rock Clermond, where there was made him no resistance at all: and be∣cause it was already night, he resolved to quarter himself and his army in that town, and to refresh himself of his pugnative cho∣ler. In the morning he stormed and took the Bulwarks and Castle, which afterwards he fortified with rampiers, and furnished with all ammunition requisite, intending to

make his retreat there, if he should happen to be otherwise worsted; for it was a strong place, both by Art and Nature, in regard of the stance and situation of it. But let us leave them there, and return to our good Gargantua, who is at Paris very assiduous and earnest at the study of good letters, and ath∣letical exercitations, and to the good old man Grangousier his father, who after supper warmeth his ballocks by a good, clear, great fire, and waiting upon the broyling of some chestnuts, is very serious in drawing scratches on the hearth, with a stick burnt at the one end, wherewith they did stirre up the fire, telling to his wife and the rest of the family pleasant old stories and tales of for∣mer times. Whilest he was thus employed, one of the shepherds which did keep the Vines, (named Pillot) came towards him, and to the full related the enormous abuses which were committed, and the excessive spoil that was made by Picrochole King of Lerne, upon his lands and territories, and how he had pillaged, wasted and ransacked all the coun∣trey, except the inclosure at Sevile, which Friar Ihon des entoumeures to his great ho∣nour had preserved: and that at the same present time the said King was in the rock Clermond: and there with great industry and circumspection, was strengthening himself and his whole army. Halas, halas, alas, (said

Grangousier,) what is this good people? do I dream, or is it true that they tell me? Picro∣chole my ancient friend of old time, of my own kinred and alliance, comes he to in∣vade me? what moves him? what provokes him? what sets him on? what drives him to it? who hath given him this counsel? Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, my God, my Saviour, help me, inspire me, and advise me what I shall do. I protest, I swear before thee, so be thou fa∣vourable to me, if ever I did him or his sub∣jects any damage or displeasure, or commit∣ted any the least robbery in his countrey; but on the contrary I have succoured and supplied him with men, money, friendship and counsel upon any occasion, wherein I could be steadable for the improvement of his good; that he hath therefore at this nick of time so outraged and wronged me, it cannot be but by the malevolent and wicked spirit. Good God, thou knowest my courage, for nothing can be hidden from thee; if perhaps he be grown mad, and that thou hast sent him hither to me for the bet∣ter recovery & re-establishment of his brain: grant me power and wisdome to bring him to the yoke of thy holy will by good disci∣pline. Ho, ho, ho, ho, my good people, my friends and my faithful servants, must I hin∣der you from helping me? alas, my old age required henceforward nothing else but

rest, and all the dayes of my life I have la∣boured for nothing so much as peace: but now I must (I see it well) load with armes my poor, weary and feeble shoulders; and take in my trembling hand the lance and horse∣mans mace, to succour and protect my ho∣nest subjects: reason will have it so; for by their labour am I entertained, and with their sweat am I nourished, I, my children and my family. This notwithstanding, I will not undertake warre, until I have first tried all the wayes and meanes of peace, that I resolve upon. Then assembled he his counsel, and proposed the matter as it was indeed, whereupon it was concluded, that they should send some discreet man unto Picrochole, to know wherefore he had thus suddenly broken the Peace, and invaded those lands unto which he had no right nor title. Furthermore, that they should send for Gargantua, and those under his command, for the preservation of the countrey, and defence thereof now at need. All this plea∣sed Grangousier very well, and commanded that so it should be done. Presently there∣fore he sent the Basque his Lackey, to fetch Gargantua with all diligence, and wrote to him as followeth.

CHAP. XXIX. The tenor of the letter which Grangousier wrote to his sonne Gargantua.

THe fervency of thy studies did require, that I should not in a long time recall thee from that Philosophical rest thou now enjoyest: if the confidence reposed in our friends and ancient confederates had not at this present disappointed the assurance of my old age: But seeing such is my fatal destiny, that I should be now disquieted by those in whom I trusted most: I am forced to call thee back to help the people and goods, which by the right of nature belong unto thee; for even as armes are weak abroad if there be not counsel at home: so is that stu∣dy vaine, and counsel unprofitable, which in a due and convenient time is not by ver∣tue executed and put in effect. My delibe∣ration is not to provoke, but to appease: not to assault, but to defend: not to con∣quer, but to preserve my faithful subjects and hereditary dominions: into which Pi∣crochole is entred in a hostile manner without any ground or cause, and from day to day pursueth his furious enterprise with that

height of insolence that is intolerable to free-born spirits. I have endeavoured to moderate his tyrannical choler, offering him all that which I thought might give him sa∣tisfaction: and oftentimes have I sent lo∣vingly unto him, to understand wherein, by whom, and how he found himself to be wronged? but of him could I obtain no o∣ther answer, but a meer defiance, and that in my lands he did pretend only to the right of a civil correspondency and good behavi∣our, whereby I knew that the eternal God hath left him to the disposure of his own free will and sensual appetite, which cannot chuse but be wicked, if by divine grace it be not continually guided: and to contain him within his duty, and bring him to know himself, hath sent him hither to me by a grievous token. Therefore, my beloved son, as soon as thou canst, upon sight of these let∣ters, repaire hither with all diligence, to suc∣cour not me so much (which neverthelesse by natural Piety thou oughtest to do,) as thine own People, which by reason thou mayest save and preserve. The exploit shall be done with as little effusion of blood as may be; and if possible, by meanes far more expedient, such as military policy, devices and stratagems of warre; we shall save all the souls, and send them home as merry as crick∣ets unto their own houses. My dearest Son,

the peace of Jesus Christ our Redeemer be with thee; salute from me Ponocrates, Gymna∣stes and Eudemon; the twentieth of Sep∣tember.

Thy Father Grangousier.

CHAP. XXX. How Ulrich Gallet was sent unto Picrochole.

THe letters being dictated, signed and sealed, Grangousier ordained that Ul∣rich Gallet, Master of the requests (a very wise and discreet man, of whose prudence and sound judgement he had made trial in several difficult and debateful matters) to go unto Picrochole, to shew what had been de∣creed amongst them. At the same houre departed the good man Gallet, and having past the ford, asked at the Miller that dwelt there, in what condition Picrochole was: who answered him, that his souldiers had left him neither cock nor hen, that they were retired and shut up into the rock Clermond, and that he would not advise him to go any further for feare of the Scouts, because they were enormously furious; which he easily beleeved, and therefore lodged that night

with the Miller. The next morning he went with a Trumpeter to the gate of the Castle, and required the guards he might be admit∣ted to speak with the King of somewhat that concerned him. These words being told un∣to the King, he would by no means consent that they should open the gate; but getting upon the top of the bulwark, said unto the Ambassadour, What is the newes? what have you to say? then the Ambassadour began to speak as followeth.

CHAP. XXXI. The speech made by Gallet to Picrochole.

THere cannot arise amongst men a juster cause of grief, then when they receive hurt and damage, where they may justly expect for favour and good will; and not without cause, (though without reason,) have many, after they had fallen into such a calamitous accident, esteemed this indigni∣ty lesse supportable then the losse of their own lives, in such sort, that if they have not been able by force of armes, nor any other means, by reach of wit or subtilty, to stop them in their course, and restrain their fury, they have fallen into desparation, and utterly

deprived themselves of this light. It is therefore no wonder if King Grangousier my Master be full of high displeasure, and much disquieted in minde upon thy outragious and hostile coming: but truly it would bea mar∣vel, if he were not sensible of, and moved with the incomparable abuses and injuries perpetrated by thee and thine upon those of his countrey, towards whom there hath been no example of inhumanity omitted; which in it self is to him so grievous for the cordial affection, wherewith he hath alwayes che∣rished his subjects, that more it cannot be to any mortal man; yet in this (above humane apprehension) is it to him the more grievous, that these wrongs and sad offences have been committed by thee and thine, who time out of minde from all antiquity, thou and thy Predecessors have been in a continual league and amity with him, and all his Ancestors; which, even until this time, you have as sa∣cred together inviolably preserved, kept and entertained, so well, that not he and his on∣ly, but the very barbarous Nations of the Poictevins, Bretons, Manceaux, and those that dwell beyond the isles of the Canaries, and that of Isabella, have thought it as easie to pull down the firmament, and to set up the depths above the clouds, as to make a breach in your alliance; and have been so afraid of it in their enterprises, that they have never

dared to provoke, incense or indamage the one for feare of the other. Nay, which is more, this sacred league hath so filled the world, that there are few Nations at this day inhabiting throughout all the continent and isles of the Ocean, who have not ambiti∣ously aspired to be received into it, upon your own covenants and conditions, hold∣ing your joynt confederacie in as high e∣steem as their own territories and domini∣ons; in such sort, that from the memory of man, there hath not been either Prince or league so wilde and proud, that durst have offered to invade, I say not your countreys, but not so much as those of your confede∣rates: and if by rash and headie counsel they have attempted any new designe against them, assoon as they heard the name and title of your alliance, they have suddenly desisted from their enterprises. What rage and madnesse therefore doth now incite thee, all old alliance infringed, all amity trod under foot, and all right violated, thus in a hostil manner to invade his countrey, with∣out having been by him or his in any thing prejudiced, wronged or provoked? where is faith? where is law? where is reason? where is humanity? where is the feare of God? dost thou think that these atrocious abuses are hidden from the eternal spirits, and the supreme God, who is the just re∣warder

of all our undertakings? if thou so think, thou deceivest thy self; for all things shall come to passe, as in his incomprehen∣sible judgement he hath appointed. Is it thy fatal destiny, or influences of the stars that would put an end to thy so long enjoyed ease and rest? for that all things have their end and period, so as that when they are come to the superlative point of their great∣est height, they are in a trice tumbled down again, as not being able to abide long in that state. This is the conclusion and end of those who cannot by reason and temperance moderate their fortunes and prosperities. But if it be predestinated that thy happi∣nesse and ease must now come to an end, must it needs be by wronging my King? him by whom thou wert established? If thy house must come to ruine, should it there∣fore in its fall crush the heels of him that set it up? The matter is so unreasonable, and so dissonant from common sense, that hard∣ly can it be conceived by humane under∣standing, and altogether incredible unto strangers, till by the certain and undoubted effects thereof it be made apparent, that no∣thing is either sacred or holy to those, who having emancipated themselves from God and reason, do meerly follow the perverse affections of their own depraved nature. If any wrong had been done by us to thy sub∣jects

and dominions: if we had favoured thy ill-willers: if we had not assisted thee in thy need: if thy name and reputation had been wounded by us: or (to speak more truly) if the calumniating spirit, tempting to induce thee to evil, had by false illusions and de∣ceitful fantasies, put into thy conceit the im∣pression of a thought, that we had done un∣to thee any thing unworthy of our ancient correspondence and friendship, thou ought∣est first to have enquired out the truth, and afterwards by a seasonable warning to ad∣monish us thereof; and we should have so sa∣tisfied thee, according to thine own hearts desire, that thou shouldest have had occasi∣on to be contented. But, O eternal God, what is thy enterprise? wouldest thou like a perfidious tyrant, thus spoile and lay waste my Masters Kingdome? hast thou found him so silly and blockish, that he would not: or so destitute of men and mo∣ney, of counsel and skill in military disci∣pline, that he cannot withstand thy unjust in∣vasion? March hence presently, and to mor∣row some time of the day retreat unto thine own conntrey, without doing any kinde of violence or disorderly act by the way: and pay withal a thousand besans of gold, (which in English money, amounteth to five thou∣sand pounds) for reparation of the damages thou hast done in his countrey: halfe thou

shalt pay to morrow, and the other halfe at the ides of May next coming, leaving with * 1.8 us in the mean time for hostages, the Dukes of Turnebank, Lowbuttock and Small-trash: together with the Prince of Itches, and Vis∣count of Snatch-bit.

CHAP. XXXII. How Grangousier to buy Peace, caused the Cakes to be restored.

WIth that the good man Gallet held his peace, but Picrochole to all his discourse answered nothing but Come and fetch them, come and fetch them: they have ballocks faire and soft, they will knead and provide some cakes for you. Then re∣turned he to Grangousier, whom he found up∣on his knees bare-headed, crouching in a little corner of his cabinet, and humbly pray∣ing unto God, that he would vouchsafe to asswage the choler of Picrochole, and bring him to the rule of reason without proceed∣ing by force. When the good man came back, he asked him, Ha, my friend, my friend, what newes do you bring me? There is neither hope nor remedy, (said Gallet) the man is quite out of his wits, and forsaken of

God. Yea but (said Grangousier,) my friend, what cause doth he pretend for his outrages? He did not shew me any cause at all (said Gallet,) only that in a great anger, he spoke some words of cakes. I cannot tell if they have done any wrong to his Cake-bakers. I will know (said Grangousier,) the matter throughly, before I resolve any more upon what is to be done; then sent he to learn con∣cerning that businesse, and found by true in∣formation, that his men had taken violent∣ly some cakes from Picrocholes people, and that Marquets head was broken with a slackie or short cudgel: that neverthelesse all was well paid, and that the said Marquet had first hurt Forgier with a stroke of his whip a∣thwart the legs; and it seemed good to his whole counsel, that he should defend himself with all his might. Notwithstanding all this (said Grangousier,) seeing the question is but about a few cakes, I will labour to content him; for I am very unwilling to wage warre against him. He enquired then what quan∣tity of cakes they had taken away, and un∣derstanding that it was but some foure or five dozen, he commanded five cart-loads of them to be baked that same night: and that there should be one full of cakes made with fine butter, fine yolks of egges, fine saffron and fine spice, to be bestowed upon Marquet, unto whom likewise he directed to be given

seven hundred thousand and three Philips, (that is, at three shillings the piece, one hun∣dred five thousand pounds and nine shillings of English money) for reparation of his losses and hinderances, and for satisfaction of the Chirurgion that had dressed his wound: and furthermore setled upon him and his for ever in freehold the Apple-Orchard cal∣led La Pomardiere; for the conveyance and passing of all which was sent Gallet, who by the way as they went made them gather near the willow-trees great store of boughs, canes and reeds, wherewith all the Cariers were injoyned to garnish and deck their carts, and each of them tocarry one in his hand, as himself likewise did, thereby to give all men to understand that they demanded but Peace, and that they came to buy it.

Being come to the gate, they required to speak with Picrochole from Grangousier. Picro∣chole would not so much as let them in, nor go to speak with them, but sent them word that he was busie, and that they should de∣liver their minde to Captain Touquedillon, who was then planting a piece of Ordnance upon the wall. Then said the good man un∣to him, My Lord, to ease you of all this la∣bour, and to take away all excuses why you may not return unto our former alliance, we do here presently restore unto you the Cakes upon which the quarrel arose: five

dozen did our people take away, they were well payed for; we love Peace so well, that we restore unto you five cartloads, of which this cart shall be for Marquet, who doth most complain; besides, to content him en∣tirely, here are seven hundred thousand and three Philips, which I deliver to him: and for the losses he may pretend to have sustain∣ed, I resigne for ever the farme of the Po∣mardiere, to be possessed in fee-simple by him and his for ever, without the payment of any duty, or acknowledgement of ho∣mage, fealtie, fine or service whatsoever: and here is the tenor of the deed, and for Gods sake let us live henceforward in Peace, and withdraw your selves merrily into your own countrey from within this place, unto which you have no right at all, as your selves must needs confesse, and let us be good friends as before. Touquedillon related all this to Picrochole, and more and more ex∣asperated his courage, saying to him, These clowns are afraid to some purpose: by G—Grangousier conskites himself for feare; the poor drinker he is not skilled in warfare, nor hath he any stomach for it, he knows better how to empty the flaggons, that is his Art. I am of opinion that it is fit we send back the carts and the money; and for the rest, that very speedily we fortifie our selves here, then prosecute our fortune. But what do

they think to have to do with a ninnie-whoop, to feed you thus with cakes? You may see what it is; the good usage, and great famili∣arity which you have had with them hereto∣fore, hath made you contemptible in their eyes. Anoint a villain, he will prick you: prick a villain, and he will anoint you: Sa, sa, sa, (said Picrochole,) by St. James you have * 1.9 given a true character of them. One thing I will advise you (said Touquedillon,) we are here but badly victualled, and furnished with mouth-harnasse very slenderly: if Gran∣gousier should come to besiege us, I would go presently, and pluck out of all your soul∣diers heads and mine own all the teeth ex∣cept three to each of us, and with them alone we should make an end of our provision, but too soon we shall have (said Picrochole,) but too much sustenance and feeding-stuffe: came we hither to eat or to fight? To fight indeed (said Touquedillon,) yet from the panch comes the dance, and where famine rules force is exiled. Leave off your prating (said Picrochole,) and forthwith seize upon what they have brought. Then took they money and cakes, oxen and carts, and sent them away without speaking one word, on∣ly that they would come no more so near, for a reason that they would give them the morrow after. Thus without doing any thing, returned they to Grangousier, and re∣lated

the whole matter unto him, subjoyn∣ing that there was no hope left to draw them to Peace, but by sharp and fierce warres.

CHAP. XXXIII. How some Statesmen of Picrochole, by haire∣brain'd counsel put him in ex∣treme danger.

THe carts being unloaded, and the mo∣ney and cakes secured, there came be∣fore * 1.10 Picrochole, the Duke of Small-trash, the Earle Swash-buckler, and Captain Durtaille, who said unto him, Sir, this day we make you the happiest, the most warlike and chi∣valrous Prince that ever was since the death of Alexander of Macedonia. Be covered, be covered, (said Picrochole,) Grammercie (said they) we do but our duty: The man∣ner is thus, you shall leave some Captain here to have the charge of this Garrison, with a Party competent for keeping of the place, which besides its natural strength, is made stronger by the rampiers and fortresses of your devising. Your Army you are to divide into two parts, as you know very well how to do: one part thereof shall fall upon

Grangbusier and his forces, by it shall he be ea∣sily at the very first shock routed, and then shall you get money by heaps, for the Clown hath store of ready coine: Clown we call him, because a noble and generous Prince hath never a penny, and that to hoard up treasure is but a clownish trick. The other part of the Army in the mean time shall draw towards Onys, Xiantouge, Angoulesme and Gascony: then march to Perigourt, Me∣dos and Elanes, taking whereever you come without resistance, townes, castles and forts: Afterwards to Bayonne, St. Ihon de luz, to Fuentarabia, where you shall seize upon all the ships, and coasting along Galicia and Por∣tugal, shall pillage all the maritine places, even unto Lisbone, where you shall be sup∣plied with all necessaries befitting a Con∣querour. By copsodie Spain will yield, for they are but a race of Loobies: then are you to passe by the streights of Gibraltar, where you shall erect two pillars more stately then those of Hercules, to the perpetual memory of your name, and the narrow entrance shall be called the Picrocholinal sea.

Having past the Picrocholinal sea, behold, Barbarossa yields himself your slave: I will (said Picrochole) give him faire quarter and spare his life. Yea (said they) so that he be content to be christened. And you shall con∣quer the Kingdomes of Tunes, of Hippos,

Argier, Bomino, Corode, yea all Barbary. Furthermore, you shall take into your hands Majorca, Minorca, Sardinia, Corsica, with the other Islands of the Ligustick and Balearian seas. Going alongst on the left hand, you shall rule all Gallia Narbonensis, Provence, the Allobrogians, Genua, Florence, Luca, and then God biwy Rome; By my faith (said Picro∣chole,) I will not then kisse his pantuffle.

Italy being thus taken, behold, Naples, Ca∣labria, Apulia and Sicilie, all ransacked, and Malta too. I wish the pleasant Knights of the Rhodes heretofore would but come to re∣sist you, that we might see their urine. I would (said Picrochole) very willingly go to Loretta. No, no, (said they) that shall be at our return; from thence we will saile East∣wards, and take Candia, Cyprus, Rhodes, and the Cyclade Islands, and set upon Morea. It is ours by St. Trenian, the Lord preserve Je∣rusalem; for the great Soldan is not compa∣rable to you in power: I will then (said he) cause Solomon's Temple to be built: No, (said they) not yet, have a little patience, stay a while, be never too sudden in your enter∣prises. Can you tell what Octavian Augustus said, Festina lentè; it is requisite that you first have the lesser Asia, Caria, Lycia, Pamphilia, Cilicia, Lydia, Phrygia, Mysia, Bithynia, Cara; Zia, Satalia, Samagaria, Castamena, Luga, Sanasta, even unto Euphrates; Shall we see

(said Picrochole,) Babylon and Mount Sinai? There is no need (said they) at this time; have we not hurried up and down, travelled and toyled enough, in having transfreted and past over the Hircanian sea, marched alongst the two Armenias, and the three Arabias? By my faith (said he) we have played the fooles, and are undone: Ha, poor soules! What's the matter, said they? What shall we have (said he) to drink in these deserts? for Julian Augustus, with his whole Army died there for thirst, as they say. We have al∣ready (said they) given order for that. In the Siriack sea you have nine thousand and fourteen great ships laden with the best wines in the world: they arrived at Port-Joppa, there they found two and twenty thousand Camels, and sixteen hundred Ele∣phants, which you shall have taken at one hunting about Sigelmes, when you entered into Lybia: and besides this, you had all the Mecca Caravane. Did not they furnish you sufficiently with wine? Yes, but (said he) we did not drink it fresh: By the vertue (said they) not of a fish, a valiant man, a Con∣querour, who pretends and aspires to the Monarchy of the world, cannot alwayes have his ease. God be thanked, that you and your men are come safe and sound unto the banks of the river Tigris; But (said he) what doth that part of our Army in the mean

time, which overthrows that unworthy Swill-pot Grangousier? They are not idle (said they) we shall meet with them by and by, they shall have won you Britany, Normandy, Flanders, Haynault, Brabant, Artois, Holland, Zealand; they have past the Rhine over the bellies of the Switsers and Lanskenets, and a Party of these hath subdued Luxemburg, Lorrain, Champaigne and Savoy, even to Lions, in which place they have met with your forces, returning from the naval Con∣quests of the Mediterranean sea: and have rallied again in Bohemia, after they had plun∣dered and sacked Suevia, Wittemberg, Ba∣varia, Austria, Moravia and Styria. Then they set fiercely together upon Lubeck, Nor∣way, Swedeland, Rie, Denmark, Gitland, Green∣land, the Sterlins, even unto the frozen sea; this done, they conquered the isles of Orkney, and subdued Scotland, England and Ireland. From thence sailing through the sandie sea, and by the Sarmates, they have vanquished and overcome Prussia, Poland, Lituania, Rus∣sia, Walachia, Transilvania, Hungarie, Bul∣garia, Turquieland, and are now at Constanti∣nople. Come (said Picrochole,) let us go joyn with them quickly, for I will be Emperour of Trebezonde also: shall we not kill all these dogs, Turks and Mahumetans? What a devil should we do else, said they: and you shall give their goods and lands to such as shall

have served you honestly: Reason (said he) will have it so, that is but just, I give unto you the Caramania, Surie, and all the Pale∣stine. Ha, Sir, (said they) it is out of your goodnesse; Grammercie, we thank you, God grant you may alwayes prosper. There was there present at that time an old Gentle∣man well experienced in the warres, a sterne souldier, and who had been in many great hazards, named Echephron, who hearing this discourse, said, I do greatly doubt that all this enterprise will be like the tale or inter∣lude of the pitcher full of milk, wherewith a Shoemaker made himself rich in conceit: but when the pitcher was broken, he had not whereupon to dine: what do you pre∣tend by these large Conquests? what shall be the end of so many labours and crosses? Thus it shall be (said Picrochole) that when we are returned, we shall sit down, rest and be merry: But (said Echephron,) if by chance you should never come back, for the voy∣age is long and dangerous, were it not bet∣ter for us to take our rest now, then unne∣cessarily to expose our selves to so many dangers? O (said Swashbuckler,) by G—here is a good dotard, come let us go hide our selves in the corner of a chimney, and there spend the whole time of our life a∣mongst Ladies, in threading of pearles, or spinning like Sardanapalus: He that nothing

ventures, hath neither horse nor mule, (sayes Salomon:) He who adventureth too much (said Echephron) loseth both horse and mule, answered Malchon. Enough (said Picrochole,) go forward: I feare nothing, but that these devillish legions of Grangou∣sier, whilest we are in Mesopotamia, will come on our backs, and charge up our reer, what course shall we then take? what shall be our remedy? A very good one; (said Durtaille) a pretty little commission, which you must send unto the Muscoviters, shall bring you into the field in an instant foure hundred and fifty thousand choise men of warre; O that you would but make me your Lieutenant General, I should for the lightest faults of any inflict great punishments. I fret, I charge, I strike, I take, I kill, I slay, I play the devil. On, on, (said Picrochole) make haste, my lads, and let him that loves me, follow me.

CHAP. XXXIV. How Gargantua left the City of Paris, to suc∣cour his countrey, and how Gymnast en∣countered with the enemy.

IN this same very houre Gargantua, who was gone out of Paris, assoon as he had read his fathers letters, coming upon his great mare had already past the Nunnerie-bridge himself, Ponocrates, Gymnast and Eu∣demon, who all three, the better to inable them to go along with him took Post-hor∣ses: the rest of his traine came after him by even journeys at a slower pace, bringing with them all his books and Philosophical in∣struments; assoon as he had alighted at Pa∣rille, he was informed by a farmer of Gouget, how Picrochole had fortified himself within the rock Clermond, and had sent Captain Tripet with a great army to set upon the wood of Vede and Vaugaudry, and that they had already plundered the whole countrey, not leaving cock nor hen, even as farre as to the wine-presse of Billiard. These strange and almost incredible newes of the enormous abuses, thus committed over all the land, so affrighted Gargantua, that he knew not what

to say nor do: but Ponocrates counselled him to go unto the Lord of Vauguyon, who at all times had been their friend and confede∣rate, and that by him they should be better advised in their businesse: which they did in∣continently, and found him very willing, and fully resolved to assist them, and there∣fore was of opinion, that they should send some one of his company, to scout along and discover the countrey, to learn in what condition and posture the enemy was, that they might take counsel, and proceed accord∣ing to the present occasion. Gymnast offer∣ed himself to go; whereupon it was conclu∣ded, that for his safety, and the better expe∣dition, he should have with him some one that knew the wayes, avenues, turnings, windings and rivers thereabout. Then away went he and Prelingot, (the Querry or Gentleman of Vauguyons horse,) who scout∣ed and espied as narrowly as they could up∣on all quarters without any feare. In the mean time Gargantua took a little refresh∣ment, ate somewhat himself, the like did those who were with him, and caused to give to his mare a Picotine of Oats, that is, three∣score and fourteen quarters and three bush∣els. Gymnast and his Camerade rode so long, that at last they met with the enemies forces, all scattered and out of order, plundering, stealing, robbing and pillaging all they could

lay their hands on: and as far off as they could perceive him, they ran thronging upon the back of one another in all haste towards him, to unload him of his money, and untrusse his Portmantles. Then cried he out unto them, (My Masters,) I am a poor devil, I desire you to spare me, I have yet one Crown left, come, we must drink it; for it is aurum po∣tabile, and this horse here shall be sold to pay my welcome: afterwards take me for one of your own; for never yet was there any man that knew better how to take, lard, rost and dresse, yea by G—to teare asunder and devoure a hen, then I that am here: and for my Proficiat I drink to all good fellowes. With that he unscrued his Borracho, (which was a great dutch leathern bottle,) and with∣out putting in his nose drank very honestly: the marousle Rogues looked upon him, open∣ing their throats a foot wide, and putting out their tongues like Greyhounds, in hopes to drink after him: but Captain Tripet, in the very nick of that their expectation, came running to him to see who it was. To him Gymnast offered his bottle, saying, Hold, Captain, drink boldly and spare not; I have been thy taster, it is wine of La fay monjau. What? (said Tripet) this fellow gybes and flowts us; Who art thou? (said Tripet) I am (said Gymnast) a poor devil, (pauvre diable:) Ha, (said Tripet) seeing thou art a poor de∣vil,

it is reason that thou shouldest be per∣mitted to go whithersoever thou wilt, for all poor devils passe every where without toll or taxe; but it is not the custome of poor devils to be so wel mounted, therfore, Sir de∣vil, come down, and let me have your horse, and if he do not carry me well, you, Master devil, must do it; for I love a life that such a devil as you should carry me away.

CHAP. XXXV. How Gymnast very souply and cunningly killed Captain Tripet, and others of Picrocholes men.

WHen they heard these words, some amongst them began to be afraid, and blest themselves with both hands, think∣ing indeed that he had been a devil disguised: insomuch that one of them, named good Ihon, Captain of the trained bands of the Countrey bumpkins, took his Psalter out of his Codpiece, and cried out aloud, Hagios ho theos. If thou be of God speak: if thou be of the other spirit avoid hence, and get thee going: yet he went not away; which words being heard by all the souldiers that were there, divers of them being a little inwardly

terrified, departed from the place: all this did Gymnast very well remark and consider, and therefore making as if he would have alighted from off his horse, as he was poy∣sing himself on the mounting side, he most nimbly (with his short sword by his thigh,) shifting his feet in the stirrup, performed the stirrup-leather feat, whereby after the incli∣ning of his body downwards, he forthwith lanch't himself aloft in the aire, and placed both his feet together on the saddle, stand∣ing upright with his back turned towards the horses head; Now (said he) my case goes backward. Then suddenly in the same ve∣ry posture wherein he was, he fetched a gam∣bole upon one foot, and turning to the left hand, failed not to carry his body perfectly round, just into its former stance, without missing one jot. Ha (said Tripet,) I will not do that at this time, and not without cause. Well, (said Gymnast) I have failed, I will undo this leap: then with a marvellous strength and agility, turning towards the right hand he fetch't another frisking gambole, as before, which done, he set his right hand thumb upon the hinde bowe of the saddle, raised himself up, and sprung in the aire, poysing and upholding his whole body, upon the muscle and nerve of the said thumb: and so turned and whirled himself about three times: at the fourth re∣versing

his body, and overturning it upside down, and foreside back, without touching any thing he brought himself betwixt the horses two eares, springing with all his body into the aire, upon the thumb of his left hand, and in that posture turning like a windmill, did most actively do that trick which is called the Millers Passe. After this, clapping his right hand flat upon the middle of the saddle, he gave himself such a jerking swing, that he thereby seated himself upon the crupper, after the manner of Gentle∣womens sitting on horseback: this done, he easily past his right leg over the saddle, and placed himself like one that rides in croup: But, said he, it were better for me to get in∣to the saddle; then putting the thumbs of both hands upon the crupper before him, and thereupon leaning himself, as upon the only supporters of his body, he incontinent∣ly turned heels over head in the aire, and streight found himself betwixt the bowe of the saddle in a good settlement. Then with a summer-sault springing into the aire again, he fell to stand with both his feet close toge∣ther upon the saddle, and there made above a hundred frisks, turnes and demi-pom∣mads, with his armes held out acrosse, and in so doing, cried out aloud, I rage, I rage, devils, I am stark mad; devils, I am mad, hold me, devils, hold me, hold, devils, hold, hold.

Whilest he was thus vaulting, the Rogues in great astonishment said to one another, By cocks death he is a goblin or a devil thus dis∣guised, Ab hoste maligno libera nos, Domine, and ran away in a ful flight, as if they had been routed, looking now and then behinde them like a dog that carrieth away a goose-wing in his mouth. Then Gymnast spying his ad∣vantage, alighted from his horse, drew his sword, & laid on great blows upon the thick∣est, and highest-crested amongst them, and overthrew them in great heaps, hurt, wound∣ed and bruised, being resisted by no body, they thinking he had been a starved devil, as well in regard of his wonderful feats in vaulting, which they had seen, as for the talk Tripet had with him, calling him poor devil: only Tripet would have traiterously cleft his head with his horsemans sword, or lanse-knight fauchion; but he was well armed, and felt nothing of the blow, but the weight of the stroke; whereupon turning suddenly about, he gave Tripet a home-thrust, and up∣on the back of that, whilest he was about to¦ward his head from a flash, he in ran him at the breast with a hit, which at once cut his sto∣mack, the fifth gut called the Colon; and the half of his liver, wherewith he fell to the ground, and in falling gushed forth above foure pottles of pottage, and his soule ming∣led with the pottage.

This done, Gymnast withdrew himself, very wisely considering, that a case of great adventure and hazard, should not be pursu∣ed unto its utmost period, and that it be∣comes all Cavaliers modestly to use their good fortune, without troubling or stretch∣ing it too farre; wherefore getting to horse, he gave him the spurre, taking the right way unto Vauguyon, and Prelingot with him.

CHAP. XXXVI. How Gargantua demolished the Castle at the Ford of Vede, and how they past the Ford.

AS soon as he came, he related the estate and condition wherein they had found the enemie, and the stratagem which he a∣lone had used against all their multitude, af∣firming that they were but rascally rogues, plunderers, thieves and robbers, ignorant of all military discipline, and that they might boldly set forward unto the field; it being an easie matter to fell and strike them down like beasts. Then Gargantua mounted his great Mare, accompanied as we have said be∣fore, and finding in his way a high and great tree, (which commonly was called by the

name of St. Martins tree, because heretofore St. Martin planted a Pilgrims staffe there, which in tract of time grew to that height and greatnesse,) said, This is that which I lacked; this tree shall serve me both for a staffe and lance: with that he pulled it up easily, pluck∣ed off the boughs, and trimmed it at his pleasure: in the mean time his Mare pissed to ease her belly, but it was in such abun∣dance, that it did overflow the countrey seven leagues, and all the pisse of that Uri∣nal flood, ran glib away towards the Ford of Vede, wherewith the water was so swollen, that all the Forces the enemy had there, were with great horrour drowned, except some who had taken the way on the left hand to∣wards the hills. Gargantua being come to the place of the wood of Vede, was informed by Eudemon, that there was some remainder of the enemy within the Castle, which to know, Gargantua cried out as loud as he was able, Are you there, or are you not there? if you be there, be there no more; and if you be not there, I have no more to say. But a ruffian gunner, whose charge was to attend the Portcullis over the gate, let flie a can∣non-ball at him, and hit him with that shot most furiously on the right temple of his head, yet did him no more hurt, then if he had but cast a prune or kernel of a wine-grape at him: What is this? (said Gargantua)

do you throw at us grape-kernels here? the Vintage shall cost you dear, thinking indeed that the bullet had been the kernel of a grape, or raisin-kernel.

Those who were within the Castle, being till then busie at the pillage, when they heard this noise, ran to the towers and for∣tresses, from whence they shot at him above nine thousand and five and twenty falcon∣shot and harcabusades, aiming all at his head, and so thick did they shoot at him, that he cried out, Ponocrates my friend, these flies here are like to put out mine eyes, give me a branch of those willow-trees to drive them away, thinking that the bullets and stones shot out of the great ordnance had been but dunflies. Ponocrates looked and saw that there were no other flies, but great shot which they had shot from the Castle. Then was it that he, rusht with his great tree a∣gainst the Castle, and with mighty blowes overthrew both towers and fortresses, and laid all level with the ground, by which meanes all that were within were slaine and broken in pieces. Going from thence, they came to the bridge at the Mill, where they found all the Ford covered with dead bo∣dies, so thick, that they had choaked up the Mill, and stopped the current of its water, and these were those that were destroyed in the Urinal deluge of the Mare. There they

were at a stand, consulting how they might passe without hinderance by these dead car∣casses. But Gymnast said, If the devils have past there, I will passe well enough. The de∣vils have past there (said Eudemon,) to carry away the damned soules. By St. Rhenian (said Ponocrates,) then by necessary conse∣quence he shall passe there: Yes, yes, (said Gymnastes) or I shall stick in the way: then set∣ting spurs to his horse, he past through free∣ly, his horse not fearing, nor being any thing affrighted at the sight of the dead bo∣dies; for he had accustomed him (according to the doctrine of Aelian) not to feare ar∣mour, nor the carcasses of dead men; and that not by killing men as Diomedes did the Thracians, or as Ulysses did in throwing the Corpses of his enemies at his horses feet, as Homer saith, but by putting a Jack-a-lent a∣mongst his hay, & making him go over it or∣dinarily, when he gave him his oates. The other three followed him very close, except Eudemon only, whose horses foreright or far forefoot, sank up to the knee in the paunch of a great fat chuffe, who lay there upon his back drowned, and could not get it out: there was he pestered, until Gargan∣tua with the end of his staffe thrust down the rest of the Villains tripes into the water, whilest the horse pulled out his foot; and (which is a wonderful thing in Hippiatrie,)

the said horse was throughly cured of a ringbone which he had in that foot, by this touch of the burst guts of that great loobie.

CHAP. XXXVII. How Gargantua in combing his head, made the great cannon-ball fall out of his haire.

BEing come out of the river of Vede, they came very shortly after to Grangousiers Castle, who waited for them with great longing; at their coming they were enter∣tained with many congies, and cherished with embraces, never was seen a more joyful company, for supplementum supplementi Chronicorum, saith, that Gargamelle died there with joy; for my part, truly I cannot tell, neither do I care very much for her, nor for any body else. The truth was, that Gar∣gantua in shifting his clothes, and combing his head with a combe, (which was nine hun∣dred foot long of the Jewish Canne-mea∣sure, and whereof the teeth were great tusks of Elephants, whole and entire) he made fall at every rake above seven balls of bullets, at a dozen the ball, that stuck in

his haire, at the razing of the Castle of the wood of Vede, which his father Grangousier seeing, thought they had been lice, and said unto him, What, my dear sonne, hast thou brought us thus farre some short-winged hawkes of the Colledge of Mountague? I did not mean that thou shouldest reside there; Then answered Ponocrates, my so∣veraign Lord, think not that I have placed him in that lowsie Colledge, which they call Montague; I had rather have put him a∣mongst the grave-diggers of Sanct Inno∣cent, so enormous is the cruelty and villany that I have known there; for the Galley∣slaves are far better used amongst the Moors and Tartars, the murtherers in the criminal dungeons, yea the very dogs in your house, then are the poor wretched Students in the aforesaid Colledge; and if I were King of Paris, the devil take me if I would not set it on fire, and burne both Principal and Re∣gents, for suffering this inhumanity to be exercised before their eyes: then taking up one of these bullets, he said, These are can∣non-shot, which your sonne Gargantua hath lately received by the treachery of your ene∣mies, as he was passing before the Wood of Vede.

But they have been so rewarded, that they are all destroyed in the ruine of the Castle, as were the Philistines by the policy of Sam∣son,

and those whom the tower of Silohim slew, as it is written in the thirteenth of Luke; My opinion is, that we pursue them whilest the luck is on our side, for occasion hath all her haire on her forehead, when she is past, you may not reca••l her, she hath no tuft whereby you can lay hold on her, for she is bald in the hind-part of her head, and never returneth again. Truly (said Grangou∣sier,) it shall not be at this time; for I will make you a feast this night, and bid you wel∣come.

This said, they made ready supper, and of extraordinary besides his daily fare, were rosted sixteen oxen, three heifers, two and thirty calves, threescore and three fat kids, sourscore and fifteen wethers, three hundred barrow-pigs or sheats sowced in sweet wine or must, elevenscore partridges, seven hundred snites and woodcocks, foure hundred Loudon and Cornwal-capons, six thousand pullets, and as many pigeons, six hundred orammed hens, fourteen hundred leverets, or young hares and rabbets, three hundred and three buzzards, and one thousand and seven hundred cock∣rels. For venison, they could not so suddenly come by it, only eleven wilde bores, which the Abbot of Turpenay sent, and eighteen fallow deer which the Lord of Gramount be∣stowed; together with sevenscore phesants, which were sent by the Lord of Essars; and

some dozens of queests, coushots, ringdoves and woodculvers; River-fowle, teales and awteales, bittorns, courtes, plovers, francolins, briganders, tyrasons, young lapwings, tame ducks, shovelers, woodlanders, herons, moore∣hens, criels, storks, canepetiers, oronges, fla∣mans, which are phaenicopters, or crimson∣winged sea-fowles, terrigoles, turkies, arbens, coots, solingeese, cnrlews, termagants and wa∣ter-wagtails, with a great deal of cream, curds and fresh cheese, and store of soupe, pottages, and brewis with variety. Without doubt there was meat enough, and it was hand∣somly drest by Snapsauce, Hotchpot and Brayverjuice, Grangousiers Cooks. Jenkin, Trudg-apace and Clean-glasse, were very care∣ful to fill them drink.

CHAP. XXXVIII. How Gargantua did eate up six Pilgrims in a sallet.

THe story requireth, that we relate that which happened unto six Pilgrims, who came from Sebastian near to Nantes: and who for shelter that night, being afraid of the enemy, had hid themselves in the garden upon the chichling pease, among the

cabbages and lettices. Gargantua finding himself somewhat dry, asked whether they could get any lettice to make him a sallet; and hearing that there were the greatest and fairest in the countrey (for they were as great as plum-trees, or as walnut-trees) he would go thither himself, and brought thence in his hand what he thought good, and withal carried away the six Pilgrims, who were in so great feare, that they did not dare to speak nor cough.

Washing them therefore first at the foun∣tain, the Pilgrims said one to another soft∣ly, What shall we do? we are almost drowned here amongst these lettice, shall we speak? but if we speak, he will kill us for spies: and as they were thus deliberating what to do, Gar∣gantua put them with the lettice into a plat∣ter of the house, as large as the huge tun of the white Friars of the Cistertian order, which done, with oile, vineger and salt he ate them up, to refresh himself a little be∣fore supper: and had already swallowed up five of the Pilgrims, the sixth being in the platter, totally hid under a lettice, except his bourdon or staffe that appeared, and no∣thing else. Which Grangousier seeing, said to Gargantua, I think that is the horne of a shell-snail, do not eat it. Why not, (said Gar∣gantua) they are good all this moneth, which he no sooner said, but drawing up the staffe,

and therewith taking up the Pilgrim, he ate him very well, then drank a terrible draught of excellent white wine. The Pilgrims thus devoured, made shift to save themselvs as wel as they could, by withdrawing their bodies out of the reach of the grinders of his teeth, but could not escape from thinking they had been put in the lowest dungeon of a prison. And when Gargantua whiffed the great draught, they thought to have been drown∣ed in his mouth, and the flood of wine had almost carried them away into the gulf of his stomack. Neverthelesse skipping with their bourdons, as St. Michaels Palmers use to do, they sheltered themselves from the dan∣ger of that inundation, under the banks of his teeth. But one of them by chance, gro∣ping or sounding the countrey with his staffe, to try whether they were in safety or no, struck hard against the cleft of a hollow tooth, and hit the mandibulary sinew, or nerve of the jaw, which put Gargantua to very great pain, so that he began to cry for the rage that he felt; to ease himself there∣fore of his smarting ache, he called for his tooth-picker, and rubbing towards a young walnut-tree, where they lay skulking, un∣nestled you my Gentlemen Pilgrims.

For he caught one by the legs, another by the scrip, another by the pocket, another by the scarf, another by the band of the

breeches, and the poor fellow that had hurt him with the bourdon, him he hooked to him by the Codpiece, which snatch neverthe∣lesse did him a great deal of good, for it pier∣ced unto him a pockie botch he had in the groine, which grievously tormented him e∣ver since they were past Ancenis. The Pilgrims thus dislodged ran away athwart the Plain a pretty fast pace, and the paine ceased, even just at the time when by Eude∣mon he was called to supper, for all was ready. I will go then (said he) and pisse away my misfortune, which he did do in such a co∣pious measure, that the urine, taking away the feet from the Pilgrims, they were carri∣ed along with the stream unto the bank of a tuft of trees: upon which, assoon as they had taken footing, and that for their self∣preservation they had run a little out of the road, they on a sudden fell all six, except Fourniller, into a trap that had been made to take wolves by a train: out of which never∣thelesse they escaped by the industry of the said Fourniller, who broke all the snares and ropes. Being gone from thence, they lay all the rest of that night in a lodge near unto Coudry, where they were comforted in their miseries, by the gracious words of one of their company, called Sweertogo, who shewed them that this adventure had been foretold by the Prophet David, Psalm. Quum

exurgerent homines in nos, fortè vivos deglu∣tîssent nos; when they were eaten in the sal∣let, with salt, oile and vineger, Quum i∣raseeretur furor eorum in nos, forsitan aqua ab∣sorbuisset nos; when he drank the great draught, Torrentem pertransivit anima no∣stra; when the stream of his water carried us to the thicket, Forsitan pertransisset a∣nima nostra aquam intoler abilem; that is, the water of his Urine, the flood whereof cutting our way, took our feet from us. Benedictus Dominus qui non dedit nos in captio∣nem dentibus eorum: anima nostra sicut passer erepta est de laqueo venantium; when we fell in the trap, Laqueus contritus est, by Fourniller, Et nos liberati sumus, adjutorium nostrum, &c.

CHAP. XXXIX. How the Monk was feasted by Gargantua, and of the jovial discourse they had at supper.

WHen Gargantua was set down at table, after all of them had some∣what stayed their stomacks by a snatch or two of the first bits eaten heartily; Grangou∣sier

began to relate the source and cause of the warre, raised between him and Picro∣chole: and came to tell how Friar Ihon of the Funnels, had triumphed at the defence of the close of the Abbey, and extolled him for his valour above Camillus, Scipio, Pompey, Caesar and Themistocles. Then Gargantua de∣sired that he might be presently sent for, to the end that with him they might consult of what was to be done; whereupon by a joynt consent his steward went for him, and brought him along merrily, with his staffe of the Crosse upon Grangousiers Mule: when he was come, a thousand huggings, a thousand embracements, a thousand good dayes were given: Ha Friar Ihon my friend, Friar Ihon my brave cousin, Friar Ihon from the de∣vil: let me clip thee (my heart) about the neck, to me an armesful; I must gripe thee (my ballock) till thy back crack with it; Come (my cod,) let me coll thee till I kill thee; and Friar Ihon the gladdest man in the world, never was man made welcomer, ne∣ver was any more courteously and graciously received then Friar Ihon. Come, come, (said Gargantua, a stool here close by meat this end: I am content, (said the Monk) seeing you will have it so. Some water (Page) fill, my boy fill, it is to refresh my liver; give me some (childe) to gargle my throat withal. Depositâ cappâ, (said Gymnast) let us pull off

this frock. Ho, by G—Gentleman (said the Monk) there is a chapter in statutis ordinis, which opposeth my laying of it down; Pish (said Gymnast) a fig for your chapter, this frock breaks both your shoul∣ders, put it off. My friend (said the Monk) let me alone with it; for by G—I'le drink the better that it is on: it makes all my body jocund; if I should lay it aside, the waggish Pages would cut to themselves garters out of it, as I was once served at Coulaines: and which is worse, I should lose my appetite: but if in this habit I sit down at table, I will drink by G—both to thee and to thy horse, and so courage, frolick, God save the company: I have already sup't, yet will I eat never a whit the lesse for that; for I have a paved stomack, as hollow as a But of malvoisie, or St. Benedictus boot, and al∣wayes open like a Lawyers pouch. Of all fishes, but the tench, take the wing of a Partridge, or the thigh of a Nunne; Doth not he die like a good fellow that dies with a stiffe Catso? Our Prior loves exceedingly the white of a capon: In that (said Gymnast) he doth not resemble the foxes; for of the capons, hens and pullets which they carry a∣way, they never eat the white: Why? (said the Monk) Because (said Gymnast) they have no Cooks to dresse them; and if they be not competently made ready, they remaine

red and not white, the rednesse of meats be∣ing a token that they have not got enough of the fire, whether by boyling, rosting or o∣therwise, except the shrimps, lobsters, crabs and crayfishes, which are cardinalised with boyling: by Gods feast-gazers (said the Monk) the Porter of our Abbey then hath not his head well-boyled, for his eyes are as red as a mazer made of an elder-tree. The thigh of this lerevet, is good for those that have the gout. To the purpose of the truel, what is the reason that the thighs of a Gentle∣woman are alwayes fresh and coole: This Probleme (said Gargantua) is neither in A∣ristotle, in Alexander Aphrodiseus, nor in Plutarch. There are three causes (said the Monk) by which that place is naturally re∣freshed. Primò, because the water runs all along by it. Secundò, because it is a shadie place, obscure and dark, upon which the Sun never shines. And thirdly, because it is continually flabbell'd, blown upon and aired by the northwindes of the hole arstick, the fan of the smock, and flipflap of the Codpiece. And lustie my lads, some bousing liquour, Page; so: Crack, crack, crack. O how good is God that gives us of this excellent juice! I call him to witnesse, if I had been in the time of Jesus Christ, I would have kept him from being taken by the Jewes in the garden of Olivet: and the devil faile me, if I should

have failed to cut off the hams of these Gentlemen Apostles, who ran away so base∣ly after they had well supped, and left their good Master in the lurch. I hate that man worse then poison that offers to run away, when he should fight and lay stoutly about him. Oh that I were but King of France for fourescore or a hundred yeares! by G—I should whip like curtail-dogs these run-awayes of Pavie: A plāgue take them, why did not they chuse rather to die there, then to leave their good Prince in that pinch and necessity? Is it not better and more ho∣nourable to perish in fighting valiantly, then to live in disgrace by a cowardly running a∣way? We are like to eate no great store of goslings this yeare, therefore, friend, reach me some of that rosted pig there.

Diavolo, is there no more must? no more sweet wine? Germinavit radix Jesse, je renie m••e, vij' enrage de soif; I renounce my life, I rage for thirst, this wine is none of the worst; what wine drink you at Paris? I give my self to the devil, if I did not once keep open house at Paris for all commers six moneths together; Do you know Friar Claud of the high kildrekins: Oh the good fellow that he is, but I do not know what flie hath stung him of late, he is become so hard a student; for my part, I study not at all. In our Abbey we never study for feare

of the mumps, (which disease in horses is cal∣led the mourning in the chine;) Our late Abbot was wont to say, that it is a monstrous thing to see a learned Monk by G—. Master, my friend, Magis magnos clericos non sunt, magis magnos sapientes. You ne∣ver saw so many hares as there are this year. I could not any where come by a gosse-hawk, nor tassel of falcon: my Lord Belo∣niere promised me a Lanner, but he wrote to me not long ago, that he was become pursie. The Partridges will so multiply henceforth, that they will go near to eat up our eares: I take no delight in the stalking-horse; for I catch such cold, that I am like to founder my self at that sport; if I do not run, toile, travel and trot about, I am not well at ease. True it is, that in leaping over hedges and bushes my frock leaves alwayes some of its wooll behinde it. I have recovered a dainty greyhound; I give him to the devil if he suffer a hare to escape him. A groom was leading him to my Lord Hunt-little, and I robbed him of him; did I ill? No, Friar Ihon, (said Gymnast,) no by all the devils that are, no: So (said the Monk) do I attest these same devils so long as they last, or ra∣ther vertue G—, what could that gow∣tie Limpard have done with so fine a dog? by the body of G—he is better pleased, when one presents him with a good yoke of

oxen. How now? (said Ponocrates) you swear, Friar Ihon; It is only (said the Monk) but to grace and adorn my speech; they are co∣lours of a Ciceronian Rhetorick.

CHAP. XL. Why Monks are the out-casts of the world? and wherefore some have bigger no∣ses then others?

BY the faith of a Christian (said Eude∣mon) I do wonderfully dote, and enter in a great extasie, when I consider the ho∣nesty and good fellowship of this Monk; for he makes us here all merry. How is it then that they exclude the Monks from all good companies? calling them feast-troublers, marrers of mirth, and disturbers of all civil conversation, as the bees drive away the drones from their hives; Ignavum fucos pe∣cus (said Maro) à praesepibus arcent. Here∣unto answered Gargantua, There is nothing so true, as that the frock and cowle draw unto it self the opprobries, injuries and ma∣ledictions of the world, just as the winde cal∣led Cecias attracts the clouds: the perem∣ptory reason is, because they eat the or∣dure and excrements of the world, that is

to say, the sins of the people, and like dung∣chewers and excrementitious eaters, they are cast into the privies and secessive places; that is, the Covents and Abbeys separated from Political conversation, as the jakes and retreats of a house are: but if you conceive how an Ape in a family is alwayes mocked, and provokingly incensed, you shall easily apprehend how Monks are shunned of all men, both young and old. The Ape keeps not the house as a dog doth: He drawes not in the plow as the oxe: He yields neither milk nor wooll as the sheep: He carrieth no burthen as a horse doth; that which he doth, is only to conskite, spoil and defile all, which is the cause wherefore he hath of all men mocks, frumperies and bastonadoes.

After the same manner a Monk (I mean those lither, idle, lazie Monks) doth not labour and work, as do the Peasant and Artificer: doth not ward and defend the countrey, as doth the man of warre: cureth not the sick and diseased, as the Physician doth: doth neither preach nor teach, as do the Evangeli∣cal Doctors and Schoolmasters: doth not import commodities and things necessary for the Common-wealth, as the Merchant doth: therefore is it, that by and of all men they are hooted at, hated and abhorred. Yea, but (said Grangousier,) they pray to God for us. Nothing lesse, (answered Gar∣gentua.)

True it is, that with a tingle tangle jangling of bells they trouble and disquiet all their neighbours about them: Right, (said the Monk,) a masse, a matine, a vespre well rung are half said. They mumble out great store of Legends and Psalmes, by them not at all understood: they say many pate∣notres, interlarded with ave-maries, without thinking upon, or apprehending the mean∣ing of what it is they say, which truly I call mocking of God, and not prayers. But so help them God, as they pray for us, and not for being afraid to lose their victuals, their manchots, and good fat pottage. All true Christians, of all estates and conditions, in all places and at all times send up their pray∣ers to God, and the Mediatour prayeth and intercedeth for them, and God is gra∣cious to them. Now such a one is our good Friar Ihon, therefore every man desireth to have him in his company, he is no bigot or hypocrite, he is not torne and divided be∣twixt reality and appearance, no wretch of a rugged and peevish disposition, but ho∣nest, jovial, resolute and a good fellow: he travels, he labours, he defends the oppressed, comforts the afflicted, helps the needie, and keeps the close of the Abbey: Nay (said the Monk) I do a great deal more then that; for whilest we are in dispatching our matines and anniversaries in the quire; I make with∣al

some crossebowe-strings, polish glasse-bottles and boults; I twist lines and weave purse-nets, wherein to catch coneys; I am never idle; but now hither come, some drink, some drink here, bring the fruit. These chestnuts are of the wood of Estrox, and with good new wine are able to make you a fine cracker and composer of bum-sonnets. You are not as yet (it seems) well moistened in this house with the sweet wine and must, by G—I drink to all men freely, and at all Fords like a Proctor or Promoters horse. Friar Ihon, (said Gymnast) take away the snot that hangs at your nose. Ha, ha, (said the Monk,) am not I in dan∣ger of drowning, seeing I am in water even to the nose? No, no, quare? quia, though some water come out from thence, there never goes in any; for it is well antidoted with pot-proof-armour, and sirrup of the Vine-leaf.

O my friend, he that hath winter-boots made of such leather, may boldly fish for oysters, for they will never take water. What is the cause (said Gargantua) that Friar Ihon hath such a faire nose? Because (said Gran∣gousier) that God would have it so, who fra∣meth us in such forme, and for such end, as is most agreeable with his divine Will, even as a Potter fashioneth his vessels. Because (said Ponocrates) he came with the first to the

faire of noses, and therefore made choice of the fairest and the greatest. Pish, (said the Monk) that is not the reason of it, but, ac∣cording to the true Monastical Philosophy, it is because my Nurse had soft teats, by ver∣tue whereof, whilest she gave me suck, my nose did sink in as in so much butter. The hard breasts of Nurses make children short∣nosed. But hey gay, Ad formam nasi cog∣noscitur ad te levavi. I never eat any con∣fections, Page, whilest I am at the bibbery; Item, bring me rather some tosts.

CHAP. XLI. How the Monk made Gargantua sleep, and of his houres and breviaries.

SUpper being ended, they consulted of the businesse in hand, and concluded that about midnight they should fall unawares upon the enemie, to know what manner of watch and ward they kept, and that in the mean while they should take a little rest, the better to refresh themselves. But Gargantua could not sleep by any meanes, on which side soever he turned himfelf. Whereupon the Monk said to him, I never sleep soundly, but when I am at Sermon or Prayers; Let

us therefore begin, you and I, the seven pe∣nitential Psalmes, to try whether you shall not quickly fall asleep. The conceit pleased Gargantua very well, and beginning the first of these Psalmes, assoon as they came to the words Beati quorum, they fell asleep both the one and the other. But the Monk for his being formerly accustomed to the houre of Claustral matines, failed not to awake a little before midnight, and being up himself awa∣ked all the rest, in singing aloud, and with a full clear voice, the song,

Awake, O Reinian; Ho, awake; Awake, O Reinian, Ho: Get up, you no more sleep must take, Get up; for we must go.

When they were all rowsed and up, he said, My Masters, it is a usual saying, that we begin matines with coughing, and supper with drinking; let us now (in doing clean contrarily) begin our matines with drinking, and at night before supper we shall cugh as hard as we can. What? (said Gargantua) to drink so soon after sleep, this is not to live ac∣cording to the diet and prescript rule of the Physicians, for you ought first to scoure and cleanse your stomack of all its superfluities and excrements. O well physicked, (said the Monk) a hundred devils leap into my body,

if there be not more old drunkards, then old Physicians: I have made this paction and covenant with my appetite, that it alwayes lieth down, and goes to bed with my self, (for to that I every day give very good or∣der,) then the next morning it also riseth with me, and gets up when I am awake. Minde you your charges, (Gentlemen) or tend your cures as much as you will; I will get me to my Drawer, (in termes of falconrie, my tiring.) What drawer or tiring do you mean? (said Gargantua.) My breviary (said the Monk,) for just as the Falconers, before they feed their hawks, do makethem draw at a hens leg, to purge their braines of flegme, and sharpen them to a good appe∣tite: so by taking this merry little breviary, in the morning I scoure all my lungs, and am presently ready to drink.

After what manner (said Gargantua) do you say these faire houres and prayers of yours? After the manner of Whipfield, said the Monk, by three Psalmes, and three * 1.11 Lessons, or nothing at all, he that will: I ne∣ver tie my self to houres, prayers and sacra∣ments: for they are made for the man, and not the man for them; therefore is it that I make my Prayers in fashion of stirrup-lea∣thers; I shorten or lengthen them when I think good. Brevis or atio penetrat coelos, & longa potatio evacuat Scyphos: where is

that written? by my faith (said Ponocrates,) I cannot tell (my Pillicock;) but thou art more worth then gold: Therein (said the Monk) I am like you: but, venite, apotemus. Then made they ready store of Carbonadoes, or rashers on the coales, and good fat soupes, or brewis with sippets; and the Monk drank what he pleased. Some kept him company, and the rest did forbear, for their stomachs were not as yet opened. Afterwards every man began to arme and befit himself for the field; and they armed the Monk against his will; for he desired no other armour for back and breast, but his frock, nor any other weapon in his hand, but the staffe of the Crosse: yet at their pleasure was he com∣pleatly armed cap-a-pe, and mounted upon one of the best horses in the Kingdome, with a good slashing sable by his side, toge∣ther with Gargantua, Ponocrates, Gymnast, Eudemon, and five and twenty more of the most resolute and adventurous of Grangou∣siers house, all armed at proof with their lances in their hands, mounted like St. George, and every one of them having a harquebu∣sier behinde him.

CHAP. XLII. How the Monk encouraged his fellow-cham∣pions, and how he hanged upon a tree.

THus went out those valiant champi∣ons on their adventure, in full reso∣lution, to know what enterprise they should undertake, and what to take heed of, and look well to, in the day of the great and horrible battel. And the Monk encouraged them, saying, My children, do not feare nor doubt, I will conduct you safely; God and Sanct Benedict be with us. If I had strength answerable to my courage, by Sdeath I would plume them for you like ducks. I feare no∣thing but the great ordnance; yet I know of a charm by way of Prayer, which the sub∣sexton of our Abbey taught me, that will preserve a man from the violence of guns, and all manner of fire-weapons and en∣gines, but it will do me no good, because I do not believe it. Neverthelesse, I hope my staffe of the crosse shall this day play devillish pranks amongst them; by G—whoever of our Party shall offer to play the duck, and shrink when blowes are a dealing, I give my self to the devil, if I do not make a Monk

of him in my stead, and hamper him within my frock, which is a sovereign cure against cowardise. Did you never heare of my Lord Meurles his grey-hound, which was not worth a straw in the fields; he put a frock about his neck, by the body of G—there was neither hare nor fox that could e∣scape him, and which is more, he lined all the bitches in the countrey, though before that he was feeble-reined, and ex frigidis & maleficiatis. The Monk uttering these words in choler, as he past under a walnut-tree, in his way towards the Causey, he broached the vizor of his helmet, on the stump of a great branch of the said tree: ne∣verthelesse, he set his spurres so fiercely to the horse, who was full of mettal, and quick on the spurre, that he bounded forwards, and the Monk going about to ungrapple his vi∣zor, let go his hold of the bridle, and so hanged by his hand upon the bough, whilest his horse stole away from under him. By this meanes was the Monk left, hanging on the walnut-tree, and crying for help, mur∣ther, murther, swearing also that he was be∣trayed: Eudemon perceived him first, and calling Gargantua, said, Sir, come and see Absalom hanging. Gargantua being come, considered the countenance of the Monk, and in what posture he hanged; wherefore he said to Eudemon, You were mistaken in com∣paring

him to Absalom; for Absalom hung by his haire, but this shaveling Monk hang∣eth by the eares. Help me (said the Monk) in the devils name, is this a time for you to prate? you seem to me to be like the decre∣talist Preachers, who say, that whosoever shall see his neighbour in the danger of death, ought upon paine of trisulk excom∣munication, rather choose to admonish him to make his Confession to a Priest, and put his conscience in the state of Peace, then o∣therwise to help and relieve him.

And therefore when I shall see them fallen into a river, and ready to be drowned, I shall make them a faire long sermon de con∣temptu mundi▪ & fuga seculi; and when they are stark dead, shall then go to their aide and succour in fishing after them: Be quiet (said Gymnast,) and stirre not my mi∣nion; I am now coming to unhang thee, and to set thee at freedome, for thou art a pretty little gentle Monachus; Monachus inclaustro non vdlet ova duo; sed quando est extra bene valet triginta: I have seen above five hundred hanged, but I never saw any have a better countenance in his dangling and pendilatory swagging; truly if I had so good a one, I would willingly hang thus all my life-time; What? (said the Monk) have you almost done preaching: help me in the name of God, seeing you will not in the

name of the other spirit, or by the habit which I wear you shall repent it, tempore & loco praelibatis.

Then Gymnast allghted from his horse, and climbing up the walnut-tree, lifted up the Monk with one hand, by the gush∣ets of his armour under the arm-pits, and with the other undid his vizor from the stump of the broken branch, which done, he let him fall to the ground and himself after: Assoon as the Monk was down, he put off all his armour, and threw away one piece af∣ter another about the field, & taking to him-again his staffe of the Crosse, remounted up to his horse, which Eudemon had caught in his running away. Then went they on mer∣rily, riding along on the high way.

CHAP. XLIII. How the Scouts and fore-party of Picrochole were met with by Gargantua, and how * 1.12 the Monk slew Captain Draw-forth, and then was taken prisoner by his enemies.

PIcrochole at the relation of those who had escaped out of the broile and defeat, wherein Tripet was untriped, grew very an∣gry

that the devils should have so run upon his men, and held all that night a counsel of warre, at which Rashcalf and Touchfaucet * 1.13 concluded his power to be such, that he was able to defeat all the devils of hell, if they should come to justle with his forces. This Picrochole did not fully beleeve, though he doubted not much of it: Therefore sent he under the command and conduct of the Count Draw-forth, for discovering of the countrey, the number of sixteen hundred horsemen, all well-mounted upon light hor∣ses for skirmish, and throughly besprinkled with holy water; and every one for their field-mark or cognizance had the signe of a starre in his scarf, to serve at all adventures, in case they should happen to incounter with devils; that by the vertue, as well of that Gregorian water, as of the starres which they wore, they might make them disappear and evanish.

In this equipage, they made an excursion upon the countrey, till they came near to the Vauguyon, (which is the valley of Guyon) and to the spittle, but could never finde any body to speak unto; whereupon they re∣turned a little back, and took occasion to passe above the aforesaid hospital, to try what intelligence they could come by in those parts, in which resolution riding on, and by chance in a pastoral lodge, or shep∣herds

cottage near to Coudray, hitting upon the five Pilgrims, they carried them way-bound and manacled, as if they had been spies, for all the exclamations, adjurations and requests that they could make. Being come down from thence towards Se∣ville, they were heard by Gargantua, who said then unto those that were with him, Camerades and fellow souldiers, we have here met with an encounter, and they are ten times in number more then we: shall we charge them or no? What a devil (said the Monk) shall we do else? Do you esteem men by their number, rather then by their valour and prowes? With this he cried out, Charge, devils, charge; which when the enemies heard, they thought certainly that they had been very devils, and therefore even then began all of them to run away as hard as they could drive, Draw-forth only excepted, who immediately setled his lance on its rest, and therewith hit the Monk with all his force on the very middle of his breast, but coming against his horrifick frock, the point of the iron, being with the blow either broke off or blunted, it was in matter of executi∣on, as if you had struck against an Anvil with a little wax-candle.

Then did the Monk with his staffe of the Crosse, give him such a sturdie thump and whirret betwixt his neck and shoulders,

upon the Acromion bone, that he made him lose both sense and motion, and fall down stone dead at his horses feet; and seeing the signe of the starre which he wore scarfwayes, he said unto Gargantua, these men are but Priests, which is but the beginning of a Monk; by St. Ihon I am a perfect Monk, I will kill them to you like flies: Then ran he after them at a swift and full gallop, till he overtook the reere, and felled them down like tree-leaves, striking athwart and alongst and every way. Gymnast presently asked Gargantua if they should pursue them? To whom Gargantua answered, by no means; for, according to right military discipline, you must never drive your enemy unto despair, for that such a strait doth multiply his force, and increase his courage, which was before broken and cast down; neither is there any better help, or outgate of relief for men that are amazed, out of heart, toiled and spent, then to hope for no favour at all. How many victories have been taken out of the hands of the Victors by the vanquished, when they would not rest satisfied with rea∣son, but attempt to put all to the sword, and totally to destroy their enemies, without leaving so much as one to carry home newes of the defeat of his fellowes? Open there∣fore unto your enemies all the gates and wayes, and make to them a bridge of silver

rather then faile, that you may be rid of them. Yea, but (said Gymnast) they have the Monk: Have they the Monk? (said Gargantua) Upon mine honour then it will prove to their cost: but to prevent all dangers, let us not yet retreat, but halt here quietly, as in an am∣bush; for I think I do already understand the policie and judgement of our enemies, they are truly more directed by chance and meer fortune, then by good advice and coun∣sel. In the mean while, whilest these made a stop under the walnut-trees, the Monk pursued on the chase, charging all he over∣took, and giving quarter to none, until he met with a trouper, who carried be∣hinde him one of the poor Pilgrims, and there would have rifled him. The Pilgrim, in hope of relief at the sight of the Monk, cried out, Ha, my Lord Prior, my good friend, my Lord Prior, save me, I beseech you, save me; which words being heard by those that rode in the van, they instantly faced a∣bout, and seeing there was no body but the Monk that made this great havock & slaugh∣ter among them, they loded him with blows as thick as they use to do an Asse with wood: but of all this he felt nothing, especially when they struck upon his frock, his skin was so hard. Then they committed him to two of the Marshals men to keep, and looking about, saw no body coming against them,

whereupon they thought that Gergantua and his Party were fled: then was it that they rode as hard as they could towards the wal∣nut-trees to meet with them, and left the Monk there all alone, with his two foresaid men to guard him. Gargantua heard the noise and neighing of the horses, and said to his men, Camerades, I hear the track and beating of the enemies horse-feet, and with∣all perceive that some of them come in a troupe and full body against us; let us rallie and close here, then set forward in order, and by this means we shall be able to re∣ceive their charge, to their losse and our honour.

CHAP. XLIV. How the Monk rid himself of his Keep∣ers, and how Picrocholes forlorne hope was defeated.

THe Monk seeing them break off thus without order, conjectured that they were to set upon Gargantua and those that were with him, and was wonderfully grieved that he could not succour them; then consi∣dered he the countenance of the two keepers in whose custody he was, who would

have willingly runne after the troops to get some booty and plunder, and were alwayes looking towards the valley unto which they were going; farther, he syllogized, saying, These men are but badlys killed in matters of warre, for they have not required my paroll, neither have they taken my sword from me; suddenly hereafter he drew his brackmard or horsemans sword, wherewith he gave the keeper which held him, on the right side such a sound slash, that he cut clean thorough the jugularie veins, and the sphagitid or transpa∣rent arteries of the neck, with the fore-part of the throat called the gargareon, even un∣to the two Adenes, which are throat-ker∣nels; and redoubling the blow, he opened the spinal marrow betwixt the second and third vertebrae; there fell down that keeper stark dead to the ground. Then the Monk reining, his horse to the left ranne upon the other, who seeing his fellow dead, and the Monk to have the advantage of him, cried with a loud voice, Ha, my Lord Prior, quarter, I yeeld, my Lord Prior, quarter, quarter, my good friend, my Lord Prior: and the Monk cried likewise, My Lord Posterior, my friend, my Lord Posterior, you shall have it upon your posteriorums: Ha, said the keeper, my Lord Prior, my Minion, my Gentile, Lord Prior, I pray God make you an Abbot; By the habit (said the Monk) which I weare, I

will here make you a Cardinal; what do you use to pay ransomes to religious men? you shall therefore have by and by a red hat of my giving: and the fellow cried, Ha, my Lord Prior, my Lord Prior, my Lord Abbot that shall be, my Lord Cardinal, my Lord all, ha, ha, hes, no my Lord Prior, my good little Lord the Prior, I yeeld, render and deliver my self up to you: and I deliver thee (said the Monk) to all the Devils in hell; then at one stroak he struck off his head, cutting his scalp upon the temple-bones, and lifting up in the upper part of the scul the two triangu∣larie bones called sincipital, or the two bones bregmatis, together with the sagittal commissure or dart-like seame which distin∣guisheth the right side of the head from the left, as also a great part of the coronal or forehead-bone, by which terrible blow like∣wise he cut the two meninges or filmes which inwrap the braine, and made a deep wound in the braines two posterior ventricles, and the cranium or skull abode hanging upon his shoulders, by the skin of the pericranium be∣hinde, in forme of a Doctors bonnet, black without and red within. Thus fell he down also to the ground stark dead.

And presently the Monk gave his horse the spurre, and kept the way that the enemy held, who had met with Gargantua and his companions in the broad high-way, and

were so diminished of their number, for the enormous slaughter that Gargantua had made with his great tree amongst them, as also Gymnast, Ponocrates, Eudemon, and the rest, that they began to retreat disorderly and in great haste, as men altogether affrighted and troubled in both sense and understanding; and as if they had seen the very proper speci∣es and forme of death before their eyes; or rather as when you see an Asse with a brizze or gad-bee under his taile, or flie that stings him, run hither and thither without keeping any path or way, throwing down his load to the ground, breaking his bridle and reines, and taking no breath nor rest, and no man can tell what ailes him, for they see not any thing touch him: so fled these people desti∣tute of wit, without knowing any cause of flying, onely pursued by a panick terror, which in their mindes they had conceived. The Monk perceiving that their whole in∣tent was to betake themselves to their heels, alighted from his horse, and got upon a big large rock, which was in the way, and with his great Brackmard sword laid such load up∣on those runawayes, and with maine strength fetching a compasse with his arme without feigning or sparing, slew and overthrew so many, that his sword broke in two peces, then thought he within himself that he had slaine and killed sufficiently, and that the rest

should escape to carry newes; therefore he took up a battle-axe of those that lay there dead, and got upon the rock againe, passing his time to see the enemy thus flying, and to tumble himself amongst the dead bo∣dies, only that he suffered none to carry Pike, Sword, Lance nor Gun with him, and those who carried the Pilgrims bound, he made to alight, and gave their horses unto the said Pilgrims, keeping them there with him under the hedge, and also Touchefaucet, who was then his prisoner.

CHAP. XLV. How the Monk carried along with him the Pilgrims, and of the good words that Grangousier gave them.

THis skirmish being ended, Gargantua retreated with his men, excepting the Monk, and about the dawning of the day they came unto Grangousier, who in his bed was praying unto God for their safety and victory: and seeing them all safe and sound, he embraced them lovingly, and asked what was become of the Monk? Gargantua answer∣ed him, that without doubt the enemies had the Monk? then have they mischief and ill

luck (said Grangousier) which was very true; thererefore is it a common proverb to this day, to give a man the Monk (or as in French, luy bailler le monie) when they would ex∣presse the doing unto one a mischief; then commanded he a good breakfast to be pro∣vided for their refreshment: when all was ready, they called Gargantua, but he was so agrieved that the Monk was not to be heard of, that he would neither eate nor drink: in the meane while the Monk comes, and from the gate of the outer Court cries out aloud, Fresh wine, fresh wine Gymnast my friend. Gym∣nast went out and saw that it was Frier Jhon, who brought along with him five Pilgrims and Touch-faucet prisoners; whereupon Gar∣gantua likewise went forth to meet him, and all of them made him the best welcome that possibly they could, and brought him before Grangousier, who asked him of all his adven∣tures: the Monk told him all, both how he was taken, how he rid himself of his keepers, of the slaughter he had made by the way, and how he had rescued the Pilgrims, and brought along with him Captaine Touch-fau∣cet. Then did they altogether fall to ban∣queting most merrily; in the meane time Grangousier asked the Pilgrims what coun∣treymen they were, whence they came, and wither they went? Sweertogo in the name of the rest answered, My Sovereign Lord, I

am of Saint-Genou in Berrie, this man is of Patvau, this other is of Onzay, this of Argy, and this man of Villebrenin; we came from Saint Sebastian near Nantes, and are now re∣turning, as we best may, by easie journeys; Yea, but said Grangousier, what went you to do at Saint Sebastian? We went (said Sweer∣togo) to offer up unto that Sanct our vowes against the Plague. Ah poor men (said Gran∣gousier) do you think that the Plague comes from Saint Sebastian? Yes truly, (answered Sweertogo) our Preachers tell us so indeed. But is it so? (said Grangousier) do the false Prophets teach you such abuses? do they thus blaspheme the Sancts and holy men of God, as to make them like unto the Devils, who do nothing but hurt unto mankinde, as Homer writeth, that the Plague was sent into the camp of the Greeks by Apollo, and as the Poets feign a great rabble of Vejoves and mischievous gods. So did a certaine Ca∣fard or dissembling religionarie preach at Si∣nay, that Saint Antonie sent the fire into mens legs, that Saint Eutropius made men hydropick; Saint Clidas, fooles; and that Saint Genou made them goutish: but I pu∣nished him so exemplarily, though he called me Heretick for it, that since that time no such hypocritical rogue durst set his foot within my territories; and truly I wonder that your King should suffer them in their

sermons to publish such scandalous doctrine in his dominions; for they deserve to be chastised with greater severity then those who by magical art, or any other device have brought the pestilence into a countrey; the pest killeth but the bodies, but such a∣bominable Impostors empoyson our very souls. As he spake these words, in came the Monk very resolute, and asked them, whence are you, you poor wretches? of Saint Ge∣nou (said they;) And how (said the Monk) doth the Abbot Gulligut the good drinker, and the Monks, what cheere make they? by G—body they'll have a fling at your wives, and breast them to some purpose whilest you are upon your roaming rant and gadding Pil∣grimage: Hin, hen (said sweertogo) I am not a∣fraid of mine; for he that shall see her by day, will never break his neck to come to her in the night-time: Yea mary (said the Monk) now you have hit it, let her be as ugly as ever was Proserpina, she will once by the Lord G—be over-turned, and get her skin-coat shaken, if there dwell any Monks near to her, for a good Carpenter will make use of any kinde of timber: let me be pepper'd with the pox, if you finde not all your wives with childe at your returne; for the very shadow of the steeple of an Abbey is fruitful: It is (said Gargantua) like the water of Nilus in Egypt, if you beleeve Strabo and Plinie, lib.

7. cap. 3. What vertue will there be then (said the Monk) in their bullets of concupis∣cence, their habits and their bodies?

Then (said Grangousier,) Go your wayes, poor men in the name of God the Creatour, to whom I pray to guide you perpetually, and henceforward be not so ready to under∣take these idle and unprofitable journeys; Look to your families, labour every man in his vocation, instruct your children, and live as the good Apostle St. Paul directeth you: in doing whereof, God, his Angels and Sancts will guard and protect you, and no evil or plague at any time shall befal you. Then Gargantua led them into the hall to take their refection: but the Pilgrims did nothing but sigh, and said to Gargantua, O how happy is that land which hath such a man for their Lord! we have been more edified and instructed by the talk which he hath had with us, then by all the Sermons that ever were preached in our town. This is (said Gargantua) that which Plato saith, lib. 5. de republ. That those Common-wealths are happy, whose Rulers philosophate, and whose Philosophers rule. Then caused he their wallets to be filled with victuals, and their bottles with wine, and gave unto each of them a horse to ease them upon the way, together with some pence to live by.

CHAP. XLVI. How Grangousier did very kindly entertain Touchefaucet his Prisoner.

TOuchefaucet was presented unto Gran∣gousier, and by him examined upon the enterprise and attempt of Picrochole, what it was he could pretend to, or aim at, by the rustling stirre, and tumultuary coyle of this his sudden invasion: whereunto he answer∣ed, that his end and purpose was to conquer all the countrey, if he could, for the injury done to his cake-bakers: It is too great an undertaking (said Grangousier;) and (as the Proverb is) He that gripes too much, holds fast but little: the time is not now as for∣merly, to conquer the Kingdomes of our neighbour Princes, and to build up our own greatnesse upon the losse of our nearest Christian brother: this imitation of the an∣cient Herculeses, Alexanders, Hannibals, Scipios, Caesars, and other such heroes is quite contrary to the Profession of the Gos∣pel of Christ, by the which we are com∣manded to preserve, keep, rule and govern every man his own countrey and lands, and not in a hostile manner to invade others,

and that which heretofore the Barbars and Saracens called prowesse and valour, we do now call robbing, theevery and wickednes; It would have been more commendable in him to have contained himself within the bounds of his own territories, royally governing them, then to insult and domineer in mine, pillaging and plundering every where like a most unmerciful enemy; for by ruling his own with discretion, he might have increas't his greatnesse, but by robbing me he cannot escape destruction; Go your wayes in the name of God, prosecute good enterprises, shew your King what is amisse, and never counsel him with regard unto your own par∣ticular profit, for the publick losse will swal∣low up the private benefit. As for your ransome, I do freely remit it to you, and will that your armes and horse be restored to you: so should good neighbours do, and ancient friends; seeing this our difference is not properly warre, as Plato, lib. 5. de re∣pub. would not have it called warre but se∣dition, when the Greeks took up armes a∣gainst one another, and that therefore when such combustions should arise amongst them, his advice was to behave themselves in the managing of them, with all discretion and modesty. Although you call it warre, it is but superficial, it entereth not into the clo∣set and inmost cabinet of our hearts; for

neither of us hath been wronged in his ho∣nour, nor is there any question betwixt us in the main, but only how to redresse by the by some petty faults committed by our men; I mean, both yours and ours, which although you knew you ought to let passe; for these quarrelsome persons deserve rather to be contemned then mentioned, especially seeing I offered them satisfaction according to the wrong. God shall be the just Judge of our variances, whom I beseech by death rather to take me out of this life, and to per∣mit my goods to perish and be destroyed before mine eyes, then that by me or mine he should in any sort be wronged. These words uttered, he called the Monk, and be∣fore them all spoke thus unto him: Friar Ihon, my good friend, is it you that took prisoner the Captain Touchfaucet here pre∣sent? Sir (said the Monk) seeing himself is here, and that he is of the yeares of discreti∣on, I had rather you should know it by his confession then by any words of mine. Then said Touchfaucet, My sovereign Lord, it is he indeed that took me, and I do therefore most freely yield my self his prisoner. Have you put him to any ransom, said Grangousier to the Monk? No, (said the Monk,) of that I take no care: How much would you have for having taken him? nothing, nothing, (said the Monk,) I am not swayed by that,

nor do I regard it; Then Grangousier com∣manded, that in presence of Touchefaucet, should be delivered to the Monk for taking him, the summe of threescore and two thou∣sand saluts (in English money fifteen thousand and five hundred pounds) which was done, whilest they made a collation or little ban∣quet to the said Touchfaucet, of whom Gran∣gousier asked, if he would stay with him, or if he loved rather to return to his King? Touchfaucet answered, that he was content to take whatever course he would advise him to; Then (said Grangousier) return unto your King, and God be with you.

Then he gave him an excellent sword of Avienue blade, with a golden scabbard wrought with Vine-branch-like flourishes, of faire Goldsmiths work, and a coller or neck-chain of gold, weighing seven hundred and two thousand marks (at eight ounces each,) garnished with precious stones of the finest sort, esteemed at a hundred and sixty thousand ducats, and ten thousand crownes more, as an honourable donative, by way of present.

After this talk, Touchefaucet got to his horse, and Gargantua for his safety allowed him the guard of thirty men at armes, and six score archers to attend him under the conduct of Gymnast, to bring him even un∣to the gate of the rock Clermond, if there

were need. Assoon as he was gone, the Monk restored unto Grangousier the three∣score and two thousand saluts, which he had received, saying, Sir it is not as yet the time for you to give such gifts, stay till this warre be at an end, for none can tell what accidents may occurre, and war begun without good provision of money before-hand for going through with it, is but as a breathing of strength, and blast that will quickly passe away; coine is the sinews of warre. Well then (said Grangousier) at the end I will con∣tent you by some honest recompence, as also all those who shall do me good ser∣vice.

CHAP. XLVII. How Grangousier sent for his legions, and how Touchefaucet slew Rashcalf, and was afterwards executed by the command of Picrochole.

ABout this same time those of Besse, of the old Market, of St. James bourg, of the draggage of Parille, of the Rivers, of the rocks St. Pol, of the Vaubreton, of Pautille, of the Brahemont, of Clainbridge, of Cravant, of Grammont, of the town at the

Badgerholes, of Huymes, of Serge, of Husse, of St. Lovant, of Panzoust, of the Coldraux, of Vernon, of Coulaines, of Chose, of Varenes, of Bourgueil, of the Bouchard Claud, of the Croulay, of Narsie, of Cand, of Monsoreau and other bordering places, sent Ambassa∣dours unto Grangousier, to tell him that they were advised of the great wrongs which Picrochole had done him, and in regard of their ancient confederacy, offered him what assistance they could afford, bothin men, mo∣ney, victuals and ammunition, and other ne∣cessaries for warre; The money, which by the joynt agreement of them all was sent un∣to him, amounted to sixscore and fourteen millions, two crowns and a half of pure gold. The forces wherewith they did assist him, did consist in fifteen thousand cuirasiers, two and thirty thousand light horsemen, four∣score and nine thousand dragoons, and a hun∣dred and fourty thousand voluntier adven∣turers. These had with them eleven thou∣sand and two hundred cannons, double can∣nons, long pieces of Artillery called Basi∣lisks, and smaller sized ones, known by the name of spirols, besides the mortar-pieces and granadoes. Of pioneers they had seven and fourty thousand, all victualled and payed for six moneths and foure dayes of advance▪ which offer Gargantua did not altogether re∣fuse, nor wholly accept of: but giving them

hearty thanks, said that he would compose and order the warre by such a device, that there should not be found great need to put so many honest men to trouble in the mana∣ging of it; And therefore was content at that time to give order only for bringing a∣long the legions, which he maintained in his ordinary Garison-townes of the Devi∣niere, of Chavignie, of Granot, and of Quin∣quenais, amounting to the number of two thousand cuirasiers, threescore and six thou∣sand foot-souldiers, six and twenty thou∣sand dragoons, attended by two hundred pieces of great ordnance, two and twenty thousand Pioneers, and six thousand light horsemen, all drawn up in troupes, so well befitted and accommodated with their com∣missaries, sutlers, ferriers, harnasse-makers, and other such like necessary members in a military camp; so fully instructed in the Art of warfare, so perfectly knowing and following their colours, so ready to hear and obey their Captains, so nimble to run, so strong at their charging, so prudent in their adventures, and every day so well discipli∣ned, that they seemed rather to be a consort of organ-pipes, or mutual concord of the wheels of a clock, then an infantry and ca∣valry, or army of souldiers.

Touchefaucet immediately after his return, presented himself before Picrochole, and re∣lated

unto him at large all that he had done and seen, and at last endeavoured to per∣swade him with strong and forcible argu∣ments, to capitulate and make an agreement with Grangousier, whom he found to be the honestest man in the world, saying further, that it was neither right nor reason thus to trouble his neighbours, of whom they had never received any thing but good: and in regard of the main point, that they should never be able to go through stitch with that warre, but to their great damage and mis∣chief: for the forces of Picrochole were not so considerable, but that Grangousier could easily overthrow them.

He had not well done speaking, when Rash∣calf said out aloud, Unhappy is that Prince, which is by such men served, who are so ea∣sily corrupted, as I know Touchefaucet is; for I see his courage so changed, that he had willingly joyned with our enemies to fight against us and betray us, if they would have received him; but as vertue is of all, both friends and foes, praised and esteemed, so is wickednes soon known and suspected, and although it happen the enemies to make use thereof for their profit, yet have they al∣wayes the wicked, and the traitors in abomi∣nation.

Touchefaucet being at these words very im∣patient, drew out his sword, and there with

ran Rashcalf through the body, a little un∣der the nipple of his left side, whereof he di∣ed presently, and pulling back his sword out of his body, said boldly, So let him perish, that shall a faithful servant blame. Picrochole incontinently grew furious, and seeing Touchefaucets new sword and his scabbard so richly diapred with flourishes of most excel∣lent workmanship, said, Did they give thee this weapon, so felloniously therewith to kill before my face my so good friend Rash∣calf? then immediately commanded he his guard to hew him in pieces, which was in∣stantly done, and that so cruelly, that the chamber was all died with blood: After∣wards he appointed the corps of Rashcalf to be honourably buried, and that of Touche∣faucet, to be cast over the walls into the ditches.

The newes of these excessive violences were quickly spread through all the Army; wherupon many began to murmure against Picrochole, insofarre that Pinchpennie said to him, My sovereign Lord, I know not what the issue of this enterprise will be; I see your men much dejected, and not well resolved in their mindes, by considering that we are here very ill provided of victu∣all, and that our number is already much diminished by three or foure sallies. Fur∣thermore, great supplies and recruits come

daily in to your enemies: but we so moul∣der away, that if we be once besieged, I do not see how we can escape a total destructi∣on; Tush, pish, (said Picrochole) you are like the Melun eeles, you cry before they come to you; Let them come, let them come, if they dare.

CHAP. XLVIII. How Gargantua set upon Picrochole, with∣in the rock Clermond, and utter∣ly defeated the Army of the said Picrochole.

GArgantua had the charge of the whole Army, and his father Grangousier stayed in his Castle, who encouraging them with good words, promised great rewards unto those that should do any notable service. Having thus set forward, assoon as they had gained the Passe at the Ford of Vede, with boats and bridges speedily made, they past over in a trice, then considering the situation of the town, which was on a high and advan∣tageous place, Gargantua thought fit to call his counsel, and passe that night in deli∣beration upon what was to be done: But Gymnast said unto him, My sovereign Lord,

such is the nature and complexion of the frenches, that they are worth nothing, but at the first push, then are they more fierce then devils; but if they linger a little, and be wea∣ried with delays, they'l prove more faint and remisse then women: my opinion is there∣fore, that now presently after your men have taken breath, and some small refecti∣on, you give order for a resolute assault, and that we storme them instantly. His ad∣vice was found very good, and for effectua∣ting thereof, he brought forth his army in∣to the plain field, and placed the reserves on the skirt or rising of a little hill. The Monk took along with him six companies of foot, and two hundred horsemen well armed, and with great diligence crossed the marish, and valiantly got up on the top of the green hil∣lock, even unto the high-way which leads to Loudin. Whilest the assault was thus begun, Picrocholes men could not tell well what was best, to issue out and receive the Assailants, or keep within the town and not to stirre: Him∣self in the mean time, without deliberation, sallied forth in a rage with the cavalry of his guard, who were forthwith received, and royally entertained with great cannon-shot, that fell upon them like haile from the high grounds, on which the Artillery was plant∣ed; whereupon the Gargantuists betook themselves unto the valleys, to give the ord∣nance

leave to play, and range with the larger scope.

Those of the town defended themselves as well as they could, but their shot past o∣ver us, without doing us any hurt at all: Some of Picrocholes men that had escaped our Artillery, set most fiercely upon our souldiers, but prevailed little; for they were all let in betwixt the files, and there knock't down to the ground, which their fellow-souldiers seeing, they would have retreated, but the Monk having seised upon the Passe, by the which they were to return, they run away and fled in all the disorder and confu∣sion that could be imagined.

Some would have pursued after them, and followed the chase, but the Monk withheld them, apprehending that in their pursuit the Pursuers might lose their ranks, and so give occasion to the besieged to sallie out of the town upon them. Then staying there some space, and none coming against him, he sent the Duke Phrontist, to advise Gargantua to advance towards the hill up on the left hand, to hinder Picrocholes retreat at that gate, which Gargantua did with all expedition, and sent thither foure brigades under the conduct of Sebast, which had no sooner reach't the top of the hill, but they met Picrochole in the teeth, and those that were with him scat∣tered.

Then charged they upon them stoutly, yet were they much indamaged by those that were upon the walles, who galled them with all manner of shot, both from the great ordnance, small guns and bowes. Which Gargantua perceiving, he went with a strong Partie to their relief, and with his Artillery began to thunder so terribly upon that can∣ton of the wall, and so long, that all the strength within the town, to maintain and fill up the breach, was drawn thither. The Monk seeing that quarter which he kept be∣sieged, void of men and competent guards, and in a manner altogether naked and aban∣doned, did most magnanimously on a sud∣den lead up his men towards the Fort, and never left it till he had got up upon it, know∣ing that such as come to the reserve in a con∣flict, bring with them alwayes more feare and terrour, then those that deal about them with their hands in the fight.

Neverthelesse he gave no alarm till all his souldiers had got within the wall, except the two hundred horsemen, whom he left without to secure his entry. Then did he give a most horrible shout, so did all these who were with him, and immediately thereafter without resistance, putting to the edge of the sword the guard that was at that gate, they opened it to the horsemen, with whom most furiously they altogether ran towards the

East-gate, where all the hurlie burlie was, and coming close upon them in the reer, over∣threw all their forces. The besieged see∣ing that the Gargantuists had won the town upon them, and that they were like to be secure in no corner of it, submitted them∣selves unto the mercy of the Monk, and asked for quarter, which the Monk very nobly granted to them, yet made them lay down their armes; then shutting them up within Churches, gave order to seise upon all the staves of the Crosses, and placed men at the doores to keep them from coming forth; then opening that East-gate, he issued out to succour and assist Gargantua: but Pi∣crochole, thinking it had been some relief co∣ming to him from the towne, adventured more forwardly then before, and was upon the giving of a most desperate home-charge, when Gargantua cried out, Ha, Friar Ihon, my friend, Friar Ihon, you are come in a good houre; which unexpected accident so affrighted Picrochole and his men, that gi∣ving all for lost, they betook themselves to their heels, and fled on all hands. Gargantua chased them till they came near to Vaugau∣dry, killing and slaying all the way, and then sounded the retreat.

CHAP. XLIX. How Picrochole in his flight fell into great misfortunes, and what Gargantua did after the battel.

PIcrochole thus in despaire, fled towards the Bouchard island, and in the way to Rivere his horse stumbled and fell down, whereat he on a sudden was so incensed, that he with his sword without more ado killed him in his choler; then not finding any that would remount him, he was about to have taken an Asse at the Mill that was thereby: but the Millers men did so baste his bones, and so soundly bethwack him, that they made him both black and blew with strokes; then stripping him of all his clothes, gave him a scurvie old canvas jacket wherewith to cover his nakednesse. Thus went along this poor cholerick wretch, who passing the water at Porthuaux, and relating his misadventurous disasters, was fore∣told by an old Lourpidon hag, that his Kingdome should be restored to him at the coming of the Cocklicranes, which she called Coquecigrues. What is become of him since we cannot certainly tell, yet was I told that

he is now a porter at Lyons, as testie and pet∣tish in humour as ever he was before, and would be alwayes with great lamentation enquiring at all strangers of the coming of the Cocklicranes, expecting assuredly, (ac∣cording to the old womans prophecie, that at their coming he shall be re-established in his Kingdom. The first thing Gargantua did after his return into the town, was to call the Muster-roll of his men, which when he had done, he found that there were very few either killed or wounded, only some few foot of Captain Tolmeres company, and Po∣nocrates who was shot with a musket-ball through the doublet. Then he caused them all at and in their several posts and divisions to take a little refreshment, which was very plenteously provided for them in the best drink and victuals that could be had for mo∣ney, and gave order to the Treasurers and Commissaries of the Army, to pay for and defray that repast, and that there should be no outrage at all, nor abuse committed in the town, seeing it was his own. And further∣more commanded, that immediately after the souldiers had done with eating and drink∣ing for that time sufficiently, and to their own hearts desire, a gathering should be beaten for bringing them altogether, to be drawn up on the Piazza before the Castle, there to receive six moneths pay compleat∣ly,

all which was done. After this by his di∣rection, were brought before him in the said place, all those that remained of Picrocholes Party; unto whom in the presence of the Princes, Nobles and Officers of his Court and Army, he spoke as followeth.

CHAP. L. Gargantua's speech to the vanquished.

Our forefathers and Ancestors of all times, have been of this nature and disposition, that upon the winning of a battel, they have chosen rather for a signe and memorial of their triumphs and victo∣ries, to erect trophies and monuments in the hearts of the vanquished by clemencie, then by architecture in the lands which they had conquered; for they did hold in greater esti∣mation, the lively remembrance of men purchased by liberality, then the dumb in∣scription of arches, pillars and pyramides, subject to the injury of stormes and tem∣pests, and to the envie of every one. You may very well remember of the courtesie, which by them was used towards the Bre∣tons, in the battel of St. Aubin of Cormier,

and at the demolishing of Partenay. You have heard, and hearing admire their gentle comportment towards those at the barreers of Spaniola, who had plundered, wasted and ransacked the maritime borders of Olone and Talmondois. All this hemisphere of the world was filled with the praises and con∣gratulations, which your selves and your fa∣thers made, when Alpharbal King of Ca∣narre, not satisfied with his own fortunes, did most furiously invade the land of Onyx, and with cruel Piracies molest all the Armorick islands, and confine regions of Britanie; yet was he in a set naval fight justly taken and vanquished by my father, whom God preserve and protect. But what? whereas o∣ther Kings and Emperours, yea those who entitle themselves Catholiques, would have dealt roughly with him, kept him a close pri∣soner, and put him to an extream high ran∣som: he intreated him very courteously, lodged him kindly with himself in his own Palace, and out of his incredible mildnesse and gentle disposition sent him back with a safe conduct, loaden with gifts, loaden with favours, loaden with all offices of friendship: what fell out upon it? Being re∣turned into his countrey, he called a Parlia∣ment, where all the Princes and States of his Kingdom being assembled, he shewed them the humanity which he had found in

us, and therefore wished them to take such course by way of compensation therin, as that the whole world might be edified by the ex∣ample, as well of their honest graciousnesse to us, as of our gracious honesty towards them. The result hereof was, that it was voted and decreed by an unanimous con∣sent, that they should offer up entirely their Lands, Dominions and Kingdomes, to be disposed of by us according to our plea∣sure.

Alpharbal in his own person, presently re∣turned with nine thousand and thirty eight great ships of burden, bringing with him the treasures, not only of his house and royal linage, but almost of all the countrey be∣sides; for he imbarking himself, to set saile with a West-North-East winde, every one in heaps did cast into the ship gold, silver, rings, jewels, spices, drugs, and aromatical parfumes, parrets, pelicans, monkies, civet-cats, black-spotted weesils, porcupines, &c. He was ac∣counted no good Mothers son, that did not cast in all the rare and precious things he had.

Being safely arrived, he came to my said father, and would have kist his feet: that action was found too submissively low, and therefore was not permitted, but in ex∣change he was most cordially embraced: he offfered his presents, they were not received,

because they were too excessive: he yielded himself voluntarily a servant and vassal, and was content his whole posterity should be liable to the same bondage; this was not ac∣cepred of, because it seemed not equitable: he surrendered by vertue of the decree of his great Parliamentarie councel, his whole Countreys and Kingdomes to him, offering the Deed and Conveyance, signed, sealed and ratified by all those that were concerned in it; this was altogether refused, and the parchments cast into the fire. In end, this free good will, and simple meaning of the Canarriens, wrought such tendernesse in my fathers heart, that he could not abstain from shedding teares, and wept most profusely: then by choise words very congruously adapted, strove in what he could to dimi∣nish the estimation of the good offices which he had done them, saying, that any cour∣tesie he had conferred upon them, was not worth a rush, and what favour soever he had shewed them, he was bound to do it. But so much the more did Alpharbal augment the repute thereof. What was the issue? where∣as for his ransom in the greatest extremity of rigour, and most tyrannical dealing, could not have been exacted above twenty times a hundred thousand crownes, and his eldest sons detained as hostages, till that summe had been payed, they made themselves per∣petual

tributaries, and obliged to give us e∣very year twomillions of gold at foure and twenty carats fine: The first year we received the whole sum of two millions: the second yeare of their own accord they payed freely to us three and twenty hundred thousand crowns: the third year six and twenty hun∣dred thousand; the fourth year three milli∣ons, and do so increase it alwayes out of their own good will, that we shall be constrained to forbid them to bring us any more. This is the nature of gratitude and true thank∣fulnesse. For time which gnawes and dimi∣nisheth all things else, augments and increa∣seth benefits; because a noble action of li∣berality done to a man of reason, doth gnaw continually, by his generous thinking of it, and remembring it.

Being unwilling therefore any way to de∣generate from the hereditary mildnesse and clemency of my Parents; I do now forgive you, deliver you from all fines and impri∣sonments, fully release you, set you at liber∣ty, and every way make you as frank and free as ever you were before. Moreover, at your going out of the gate, you shall have every one of you three moneths pay to bring you home into your houses and fami∣lies, and shall have a safe convoy of six hun∣dred cuirasiers and eight thousand foot un∣der the conduct of Alexander, Esquire of

my body, that the Clubmen of the Coun∣trey may not do you any injury. God be with you. I am sorry from my heart that Picro∣chole is not here; for I would have given him to understand, that this warre was un∣dertaken against my will, and without any hope to increase either my goods or renown: but seeing he is lost, and that no man can tell where nor how he went away, it is my will that his Kingdom remain entire to his sonne; who because he is too young, (he not being yet full five yeares old) shall be brought up and instructed by the ancient Princes, and learned men of the Kingdom. And because a Realm thus desolate, may easily come to ruine; if the covetousnesse and avarice of those, who by their places are obliged to ad∣minister justice in it, be not curbed and re∣strained: I ordain and will have it so, that Pono∣crates be overseer & superintendent above all his governours, with whatever power and au∣thority is requisite thereto, & that he be con∣tinually with the childe, until he finde him a∣ble & capable to rule and govern by himself.

Now I must tell you, that you are to un∣derstand how a too feeble and dissolute faci∣lity in pardoning evil-doers, giveth them oc∣casion to commit wickednesse afterwards more readily, upon this pernicious confi∣dence of receiving favour; I consider, that Moses, the meekest man that was in his time

upon the earth, did severely punish the mu∣tinous and seditious people of Israel: I consider likewise, that Julius Caesar, who was so gracious an Emperour, that Cicero said of him, that his fortune had nothing more excellent then that he could; and his vertue nothing better, then that he would alwayes save and pardon every man: He notwithstanding all this, did in certain pla∣ces most rigorously punish the authors of rebellion; After the example of these good men, it is my will and pleasure, that you de∣liver over unto me before you depart hence, first, that fine fellow Marquet, who was the prime cause, origin and ground-work of this warre, by his vain presumption and o∣verweening: secondly, his fellow-cakeba∣kers, who were neglective in checking and reprehending his idle haire-brain'd humour in the instant time: and lastly, all the Coun∣cellors, Captains, Officers and Domesticks of Picrochole, who had been incendiaries or fomenters of the warre, by provoking, prai∣sing or counselling him to come out of his li∣mits thus to trouble us.

CHAP. LI. How the victorious Gargantuists were recom∣pensed after the battel,

WHen Gargantua had finished his speech, the seditious men whom he required, were delivered up unto him, except Swashbuckler, Durtaille and Smaltrash, who ran away sixe houres before the battel, one of them as farre as to Lainielneck at one course, another to the valley of Vire, and the third even unto Logroine, without looking back, or taking breath by the way; and two of the Cake-bakers who were slaine in the fight, Gargantua did them no other hurt, but that he appointed them to pull at the Presses of his Printing-house, which he had newly set up: then those who died there he caused to be honourably buried in Black-soile-valley, and Burn-hag-field, and gave order that the wounded should be drest and had care of in his great Hospital or Nosocome. Af∣ter this, considering the great prejudice done to the towne and its inhabitants, he re-im∣bursed their charges, and repaired all the los∣ses that by their confession upon oath could appear they had sustained: and for their bet∣ter defence and security in times coming a∣gainst all sudden uproars and invasions, com∣manded a strong cittadel to be built there with a competent Garison to maintaine it; at his departure he did very graciously thank all the souldiers of the brigades that had been at this overthrow, and sent them back to their winter-quarters in their several stations

and Garisons; the Decumane Legion onely excepted, whom in the field on that day he saw do some great exploit, and their Cap∣tains also, whom he brought along with him∣self unto Grangousier.

At the sight and coming of them, the good man was so joyful, that it is not possi∣ble fully to describe it; he made them a feast the most magnificent, plentiful, and delici∣ous that ever was seen since the time of the King Assuerus; at the taking up of the table he distributed amongst them his whole cup∣board of plate, which weighed eight hundred thousand & fourteen Besants of gold, in great * 1.14 antick vessels, huge pots, large basins, big tas∣ses, cups, goblets, candlesticks, comfit-boxes, and other such plate, all of pure massie gold besides the precious stones, enameling and workmanship, which by all mens estimation was more worth then the matter of the gold; then unto every one of them out of his cof∣fers caused he to be given the summe of twelve hundred thousand crownes ready money: and further he gave to each of them for ever and in perpetuity (unlesse he should happen to decease without heires) such Ca∣stles and neighbouring lands of his as were most commodious for them: to Ponocrates he gave the rock Clermond; to Gymnast, the Coudray; to Eudemon, Monpensier, Rinan, to Tolmere; to Ithibolle, Montsaurean; to Aca∣mas,

Cande; Varenes, to Chirovacte; Gra∣vot to Sebast; Quinquenais to Alexander; Legre to Sophrone; and so of his other places.

CHAP. LII. How Gargantua caused to be built for the Monk the Abbey of Theleme.

THere was left onely the Monk to pro∣vide for, whom Gargantua would have made Abbot of Seville, but he refused it; he would have given him the Abby of Bourgu∣eil, or of Sanct Florent which was better, or both, if it pleased him; but the Monk gave him a very peremptory answer, that he would never take upon him the charge nor government of Monks; For how shall I be able (said he) to rule over others, that have not full power and command of my self: if you think I have done you, or may hereafter do any acceptable service, give me leave to found an Abby after my owne minde and fancie; the motion pleased Gargantua very well, who thereupon offered him all the Countrey of Tholem by the river of Loire,

till within two leagues of the great forrest of Port-huaut: the Monk then requested Gar∣gantua to institute his religious order contra∣ry to all others. First then (said Gargantua) you must not build a wall about your con∣vent, for all other Abbies are strongly wal∣led and mured about: See (said the Monk) and not without cause (seeing wall and mure signifie but one and the same thing;) where there is Mur before, and Mur behinde, there is store of Murmur, envie, and mutual con∣spiracie. Moreover, seeing there are certain convents in the world, whereof the custome is, if any woman come in (I mean chaste and honest women) they immediately sweep the ground which they have trod upon; there∣fore was it ordained that if any man or woman entered into religious orders, should by chance come within this new Abbey, all the roomes should be throughly washed and cleansed through which they had passed; and because in all other Monasteries and Nunneries all is compassed, limited, and re∣gulated bv houres, it was decreed that in this new structure there should be neither Clock nor Dial, but that according to the opportu∣nities, and incident occasions, all their hours should be disposed of; for (said Gargantua) The greatest losse of time that I know, is to count the hours, what good comes of it? nor can there be any greater dotage in the world,

then for one to guide and direct his courses by the sound of a Bell, and not by his owne judgement and discretion.

Item, Because at that time they put no wo∣men into Nunneries, but such as were either purblinde, blinkards, lame, crooked, ill-fa∣voured, mis-shapen, fooles, senselesse, spoyl∣ed or corrupt; nor encloystered any men, but those that were either sickly, subject to de∣fluxions, ill-bred lowts, simple sots, or pee∣vish trouble-houses: but to the purpose; (said the Monk) A woman that is neither faire nor good, to what use serves she? To make a Nunne of, said Gargantua: Yea said the Monk) and to make shirts and smocks; there∣fore was it ordained that into this religious order should be admitted no women that were not faire, well featur'd, and of a sweet disposition; nor men that were not comely, personable and well conditioned.

Item, Because in the convents of women men come not but under-hand, privily, and by stealth; it was therefore enacted that in this house there shall be no women in case there be not men, nor men in case there be not women.

Item, Because both men and women that are received into religious orders after the expi∣ring of their noviciat or probation-year, were constrained and forced perpetually to stay there all the days of their life; it was therfore

ordered, that all whatever, men or women, admitted within this Abbey, should have full leave to depart with peace and contentment, whensoever it should seem good to them so to do.

Item, for that the religious men and women did ordinarily make three Vows, to wit, those of chastity, poverty & obedience, it was ther∣fore constituted and appointed, that in this Convent they might be honourably marri∣ed, that they might be rich, and live at liberty. In regard of the legitimat time of the persons to be initiated, and years under and above, which they were not capable of reception, the women were to be admitted from ten till fifteen, and the men from twelve til eighteen.

CHAP. LIII. How the Abbey of the Thelemites was built and endowed.

FOr the fabrick and furniture of the Ab∣bey, Gargantua caused to be delivered out in ready money seven and twenty hun∣dred thousand, eight hundred and one and thirty of those golden rams of Berrie, which have a sheep stamped on the one side, and a flowred crosse on the other; and for every yeare, until the whole work were compleat∣ed, he allotted threescore nine thousand

crowns of the Sunne, and as many of the seven starres, to be charged all upon the re∣ceit of the custom. For the foundation and maintenance thereof for ever, he setled a perpetual fee-farm-rent of three and twenty hundred, threescore and nine thousand, five hundred and fourteen rose nobles, exempted from all homage, fealty, service or burden whatsoever, and payable every yeare at the gate of the Abbey; and of this by letters pat∣tent passed a very good grant. The Archi∣tecture was in a figure hexagonal, and in such a fashion, that in every one of the six corners there was built a great round tow∣er of threescore foot in diameter, and were all of alike forme and bignesse. Upon the north-side ran along the river of Loire, on the bank whereof was situated the tower called Arctick: going towards the East, there was another called Calaer, the next following Anatole; the next Mesembrine: the next Hesperia, and the last Criere. Every tower was distant from other the space of three hundred and twelve paces. The whole Aedifice was every where six stories high, reckoning the Cellars under ground for one: the second was arched after the fashion of a basket-handle; the rest were seeled with pure wainscot, flourished with Flanders fret∣work, in the forme of the foot of a lamp: and covered above with fine slates, with

an indorsement of lead, carrying the antick figures of little puppets, and animals of all sorts, notably well suited to one another, and guilt, together with the gutters, which jetting without the walls, from betwixt the crosse barres in a diagonal figure, painted with gold and azur, reach'd to the very ground, where they ended into great con∣duit-pipes, which carried all away unto the river from under the house.

This same building was a hundred times more sumptuous and magnificent then e∣ver was Bonnivet, Chambourg or Chantillie; for there were in it nine thousand, three hundred and two and thirty chambers, eve∣ry one whereof had a withdrawing room, a handsom closet, a wardrobe, an oratory, and neat passage, leading into a great and spacious hall. Between every tower, in the midst of the said body of building, there was a paire of winding (such as we now call lantern) staires, whereof the steps were part of Porphyrie, (which is a dark red marble, spotted with white,) part of Numidian stone, (which is a kinde of yellowishly streaked marble upon various colours,) and part of Serpentine marble, (with light spots on a dark green ground) each of those steps being two and twenty foot in length, and three fingers thick, and the just number of twelve betwixt eve∣ry rest, or (as we now terme it) landing

place. In every resting place were two faire antick arches where the light came in: and by those they went into a Cabinet, made e∣ven with and of the bredth of the said wind∣ing, and the re-ascending above the roofs of the house, ended conically in a pavillion: By that vize or winding, they entered on every side into a great hall, and from the halls into the chambers; from the Arctick tower unto the Criere, were the faire great libraries in Greek, Latine, Hebrew, French, I∣talian and Spanish, respectively distributed in their several cantons, according to the diversity of these languages. In the midst there was a wonderful scalier or winding∣staire, the entry whereof was without the house, in a vault or arch six fathom broad. It was made in such symmetrie and large∣nesse, that six men at armes with their lances in their rests, might together in a breast ride all up to the very top of all the Palace; from the tower Anatole to the Mesembrine were faire spacious galleries, all coloured over and painted with the ancient prowesses, histo∣ries and descriptions of the world. In the midst therof there was likewise such another ascent and gate, as we said there was on the river-side. Upon that gate was written in great antick letters, that which followeth.

CHAP. LIV. The Inscription set upon the great gate of Theleme.

HEre enter not vile bigots, hypocrites, Externally devoted Apes, base snites, Puft up, wry-necked beasts, worse then the Huns Or Ostrogots, forerunners of baboons: Curst snakes, dissembled varlers, seeming Sancts, Slipshod caffards, beggers pretending wants, Fat chuffcats, smell-feast knockers, doltish gulls, Out-strouting cluster-fists, contentious bulls, Fomenters of divisions and debates, Elsewhere, not here, make sale of your deceits.

Your filthy trumperies Stuff't with pernicious lies, (Not worth a bubble) Would do but trouble, Our earthly Paradise, Your filthy trumperies.

Here enter not Atturneys, Barresters, Nor bridle champing-law-Practitioners: Clerks, Commissaries, Scribes nor Pharisees, Wilful disturbers of the Peoples ease: Judges, destroyers, with an unjust breath,

Of honest men, like dogs, ev'n unto death. Your salarie is at the gibet-foot: Go drink there; for we do not here fly out On those excessive courses, which may draw A waiting on your courts by suits in law.

Law-suits, debates and wrangling Hence are exil'd, and jangling. Here we are very Frolick and merry, And free from all intangling, Law-suits, debates and wrangling.

HEre enter not base pinching Usurers, Pelf-lickers, everlasting gatherers. Gold-graspers, coine-gripers, gulpers of mists: Niggish deformed sots, who, though your chests Vast summes of money should to you affoard, Would ne'rthelesse adde more unto that hoard, And yet not be content, you cluntchfist dastards, Insatiable fiends, and Plutoes bastards. Greedie devourers, chichie sneakbil rogues, Hell-mastiffs gnaw your bones, you rav'nous dogs.

You beastly looking fellowes, Reason doth plainly tell us, That we should not To you allot Roome here, but at the Gallowes, You beastly looking fellowes.

HEre enter not, fond makers of demurres In love-adventures, peevish, jealous curres. Sad pensive dotards, raisers of garboyles, Hags, goblins, guhosts, firebrands of houshold broyls. Nor drunkards, liars, cowards, cheaters, clowns, Theeves, cannibals, faces o'recast with frowns. Nor lazie slugs, envious, covetous: Nor blockish, cruel, nor too credulous. Here mangie, pockie folks shall have no place, No ugly lusks, nor persons of disgrace.

Grace, honour, praise, delight, Here sojourn day and night. Sound bodies lin'd With a good minde, Do here pursue with might Grace, honour, praise, delight.

HEre enter you, and welcom from our hearts, All noble sparks, endow'd with gallant parts. This is the glorious place, which bravely shall Afford wherewith to entertain you all. Were you a thousand, here you shall not want For any thing; for what you'l ask, we'l grant. Stay here you lively, jovial, handsom, brisk. Gay, witty, frolick, chearful merry, frisk, Spruce, jocund, courteous, furtherers of trades, And in a word, all worthy gentile blades.

Blades of heroick breasts Shall taste here of the feasts, Both privily

And civilly Of the celestial guests, Blades of heroick breasts.

HEre enter you, pure, honest, faithful, true, Expounders of the Scriptures old and new. Whose glosses do not blinde our reason, but Make it to see the clearer, and who shut Its passages from hatred, avarice, Pride, factious cov'nants, and all sort of vice. Come, settle here a charitable faith, Which neighbourly affection nourisheth. And whose light chaseth all corrupters hence, Of the blist Word, from the aforesaid sense.

The Holy Sacred Word May it alwayes afford T'us all in common Both man and woman A sp'ritual shield and sword, The holy sacred Word.

HEre enter you all Ladies of high birth, Delicious, stately, charming, full of mirth, Ingenious, lovely, miniard, proper, faire, Magnetick, graceful, splendid, pleasant, rare, Obliging, sprightly, vertuous, young, solacious, Kinde, neat, quick, feat, bright, compt, ripe, choise, dear, precious. Alluring, courtly, comely, fine, compleat, Wise, personable, ravishing and sweet.

Come joyes enjoy, the Lord celestial Hath giv'n enough, wherewith to please us all.

Gold give us, God forgive us, And from all woes relieve us. That we the treasure May reap of pleasure. And shun what e're is grievous. Gold give us, God forgive us.

CHAP. LV. What manner of dwelling the Thele∣mites had.

IN the middle of the lower Court there was a stately fountain of faire Alabaster; upon the top thereof stood the three Graces, with their cornucopias, or hornes of abun∣dance, and did jert out the water at their breasts, mouth, eares, eyes, and other open passages of the body; the inside of the build∣ings in this lower Court stood upon great pillars of Cassydonie stone, and Porphyrie marble, made arch-wayes after a goodly an∣tick fashion. Within those were spacious galleries, long and large, adorned with cu∣rious pictures, the hornes of Bucks and Uni∣corns:

with Rhinoceroses, water-horses cal∣led Hippopotames, the teeth and tusks of Ele∣phants, and other things well worth the be∣holding. The lodging of the Ladies (for so we may call those gallant women) took up all from the tower Arctick unto the gate Me∣sembrine: the men possessed the rest, be∣fore the said lodging of the Ladies, that they might have their recreation betweeen the two first towers. On the out-side were placed the tilt-yard, the barriers or lists for turnements, the hippodrome or riding Court, the theater or publike play-house, and Na∣tatorie or place to swim in, with most ad∣mirable bathes in three stages, situated above one another, well furnished with all neces∣sary accommodation, and store of myrtle∣water. By the river-side was the faire garden of pleasure: and in the midst of that the glorious labyrinth. Between the two other towers were the Courts for the tennis and the baloon. Towards the tower Criere stood the Orchard full of all fruit-trees, set and ranged in a quincuncial order. At the end of that was the great Park, abounding with all sort of Venison. Betwixt the third couple of towers were the buts and marks for shooting with a snap work-gun, an ordi∣nary bowe for common archery, or with a Crosse-bowe. The office-houses were with∣out the tower Hesperie, of one story high.

The stables were beyond the offices, and be∣fore themstood the falconrie, managed by Ostridge-keepers and Falconers, very ex∣pert in the Art, and it was yearly supplied and furnished by the Candians, Venetians, Sarmates (now called Moscoviters) with all sorts of most excellent hawks, eagles, gerfal∣cons, gosehawkes, sacres, lanners, falcons, sparrowhawks, Marlins, and other kindes of them, so gentle and perfectly well manned, that flying of themselves sometimes from the Castle for their own disport, they would not faile to catch whatever they encountred. The Venerie where the Beagles and Hounds were kept, was a little farther off drawing towards the Park.

All the halls, chambers, and closets or ca∣binets, were richly hung-with tapestrie, and hangings of divers sorts, according to the va∣riety of the seasons of the year. All the pavements and floors were covered with green cloth: the beds were all embroi∣dered: in every back-chamber or with∣drawing room there was a looking-glasse of pure crystal set in a frame of fine gold, garnished all about with pearles, and was of such greatnesse, that it would represent to the full the whole lineaments and propor∣tion of the person that stood before it. At the going out of the halls, which belong to the Ladies lodgings, were the perfumers and

trimmers, through whose hands the gallants past when they were to visit the Ladies; those sweet Artificers did every morning furnish the Ladies chambers with the spirit of roses, orange-flower-water and Angelica; and to each of them gave a little precious casket vapouring forth the most odorife∣rous exhalations of the choicest aromatical sents.

CHAP. LVI. How the men and women of the religious order of Theleme were apparelled.

THe Ladies at the foundation of this order, were apparelled after their own pleasure and liking: but since that of their own accord and free will they have reform∣ed themselves, their accountrement is in man∣ner as followeth. They wore stockins of scar∣let crimson, or ingrained purple die, which reached just three inches above the knee, having a list beautified with exquisite em∣broideries, and rare incisions of the Cutters Art. Their garters were of the colour of their bracelets, and circled the knee a little, both over and under. Their shoes, pumps and slippers were either of red, violet, or crimfon-velvet, pinked and jagged like Lob∣ster wadles.

Next to their smock they put on the pret∣ty kirtle or vasquin of pure silk chamlet: above that went the taffatie or tabie vardin-gale, of white, red, tawnie, gray, or of any other colour; Above this taffatie petticoat they had another of cloth of tissue or broca∣do, embroidered with fine gold, and inter∣laced with needle-work, or as they thought good, and according to the temperature and disposition of the weather, had their upper coats of sattin, damask or velvet, and those either orange, tawnie, green, ash-coloured, blew, yelow, bright, red, crimson or white, and so forth; or had them of cloth of gold, cloth of silver, or some other choise stuffe, inrich∣ed with purle, or embroidered according to the dignity of the festival dayes and times wherein they wore them.

Their gownes being still correspondent to the season, were either of cloth of gold friz∣led with a silver-raised work; of red sattin, covered with gold purle: of tabie, or taffa∣tie, white, blew, black, tawnie, &c. of silk serge, silk chamlot, velvet, cloth of silver, silver tissue, cloth of gold, gold wire, figu∣red velvet, or figured sattin tinselled and overcast with golden threads, in divers vari∣ously purfled draughts.

In summer some dayes in stead of gowns they wore light handsome mantles, made ei∣ther of the stuffe of the aforesaid attire, or

like Moresco rugs, of violet, velvet frizled, with a raised work of gold upon silver purle: or with a knotted cord-work of gold em∣broiderie, every where garnished with little Indian pearles. They alwayes carried a faire Pannache, or plume of feathers, of the co∣lour of their muffe, bravely adorned and tricked out with glistering spangles of gold. In the winter-time they had their taffatie gownes of all colours, as above-named: and those lined with the rich furrings of hinde-wolves, or speckled linxes, black-sported weesils, martlet-skins of Calabria, sables, and other costly furres of an inestimable value. Their beads, rings, bracelets, collars, carcanets and neck-chaines were all of pre∣cious stones, such as carbuncles, rubies, ba∣leus, diamonds, saphirs, emeralds, turkoises, garnets, agates, berilles, and excellent mar∣garits. Their head-dressing also varied with the season of the yeare, according to which they decked themselves. In winter it was of the French fashion, in the spring of the Spa∣nish: in summer of the fashion of Tuscanie, except only upon the holy dayes and Sun∣dayes, at which times they were accoutred in the French mode, because they accounted it more honourable, and better befitting the garb of a matronal pudicity.

The men were apparelled after their fashi∣on: their stockins were of tamine or of cloth-serge,

of white, black, scarlet, or some o∣ther ingrained colour: their breeches were of velvet, of the same colour with their stockins, or very near, embroidered and cut according to their fancy: their doublet was of cloth of gold, of cloth of silver, of velvet, sattin, damask, taffaties, &c. of the same co∣loures, cut, embroidered, and suitably trim∣med up in perfection: the points were of silk of the same colours; the tags were of gold well enameled: their coats and jerkins were of cloth of gold, cloth of silver, gold, tissue or velvet embroidered, as they thought fit: their gownes were every whit as costly as those of the Ladies: their girdles were of silk, of the colour of their doublets▪ every one had a gallant sword by his side, the hilt and handle whereof were gilt, and the scabbard of velvet, of the colour of his breeches, with a chape of gold, and pure Goldsmiths work: the dagger was of the same: their caps or bonnets were of black velvet, adorned with jewels and buttons of gold: upon that they wore a white plume, most prettily aud minion-like, parted by so many rowes of gold spangles, at the end whereof hung dangling in a more sparkling resplendencie faire rubies, emeralds, dia∣monds, &c. but there was such a sympathy betwixt the gallants & the Ladies, that every day they were apparelled in the same livery:

and that they might not misse, there were certain Gentlemen appointed to tell the youths every morning what vestments the Ladies would on that day weare; for all was done according to the pleasure of the Ladies. In these so handsome clothes, and a∣biliaments so rich, think not that either one or other of either sexe did waste any time at all; for the Masters of the wardrobes had all their raiments and apparel so ready for every morning, and the chamber-Ladies so well skilled, that in a trice they would be dressed, and compleatly in their clothes from head to foot. And to have those ac∣coutrements with the more conveniency; there was about the wood of Teleme a row of houses of the extent of half a league, ve∣ry neat and cleanly, wherein dwelt the Goldsmiths, Lapidaries, Jewellers, Embroi∣derers, Tailors, Gold-drawers, Velvet-wea∣vers, Tapestrie-makers and Upholsters, who wrought there every one in his own trade, and all for the aforesaid jollie Friars and Nuns of the new stamp; they were furnish∣ed with matter and stuffe from the hands of the Lord Nausiclete, who every year brought them seven ships from the Perlas & Cannibal-islands, laden with ingots of gold, with raw silk, with pearles and precious stones. And if any margarites (called unions) began to grow old, and lose somewhat of their natural

whitenesse and lustre, those with their Art they did renew, by tendering them to eat to some pretty cocks, as they use to give casting unto hawkes.

CHAP. LVII. How the Thelemites were governed, and of their manner of living.

ALL their life was spent not in lawes, sta∣tutes or rules, but according to their own free will and pleasure. They rose out of their beds, when they thought good: they did eat, drink, labour, sleep, when they had a minde to it, and were disposed for it. None did awake them, none did offer to constrain them to eat, drink, nor to do any other thing; for so had Gargantua establish∣ed it. In all their rule, and strictest tie of their order, there was but this one clause to be observed.

Do what thou wilt.

Because men that are free, well-borne, well-bred, and conversant in honest com∣panies, have naturally an instinct and spurre that prompteth them unto vertuous actions,

and withdraws them from vice, which is cal∣led honour. Those same men, when by base subjection and constraint they are brought under and kept down, turn aside from that noble disposition, by which they formerly were inclined to vertue, to shake off and break that bond of servitude, wherein they are so tyrannously inslaved; for it is agree∣able with the nature of man to long after things forbidden, and to desire what is de∣nied us.

By this liberty they entered into a very laudable emulation, to do all of them what they saw did please one; if any of the gal∣lants or Ladies should say, Let us drink, they would all drink: if any one of them said, Let us play, they all played; if one said, Let us go a walking into the fields, they went all: if it were to go a hawking or a hunting, the Ladies mounted upon dainty well-paced nags, seated in a stately palfrey saddle, carried on their lovely fists miniard∣ly begloved every one of them, either a Sparhawk, or a Laneret, or a Marlin, and the young gallants carried the other kinds of Hawkes: so nobly were they taught, that there was neither he nor she amongst them, but could read, write, sing, play upon several musical instruments, speak five or sixe seve∣ral languages, and compose in them all very quaintly, both in Verse and Prose: never

were seene so valiant Knights, so noble and worthy, so dextrous and skilful both on foot and a horseback, more brisk and lively, more nimble and quick, or better handling all man∣ner of weapons then were there. Never were seene Ladies so proper and handsome, so mi∣niard and dainty, lesse froward, or more rea∣dy with their hand, and with their needle, in every honest and free action belonging to that sexe then were there: for this reason when the time came, that any man of the said Abbey, either at the request of his parents, or for some other cause, had a minde to go out of it, he carried along with him one of the Ladies, namely her whom he had before that chosen for his Mistris, and were married together: and if they had formerly in The∣leme lived in good devotion and amity, they did continue therein and increase it to a greater height in their state of matrimony: and did entertaine that mutual love till the very last day of their life, in no lesse vigour and fervency, then at the very day of their wedding: here must not I forget to set down unto you a riddle, which was found under the ground, as they were laying the foundation of the Abbey, ingraven in a copper plate; and it was thus as followeth.

CHAP. LVIII.

A Propheticall Riddle.

POor mortals, who wait for a happy day, Cheer up your hearts, and hear what I shall say: If it be lawful firmly to beleeve, That the celestial bodies can us give Wisdom to judge of things that are not yet: Or if from Heav'n such wisdom we may get, As may with confidence make us discourse Of years to come, their destinie and course; I to my hearers give to understand, That this next Winter, though it be at hand, Yea and before, there shall appear a race Of men, who loth to sit still in one place Shall boldly go before all peoples eyes, Suborning men of divers qualities, To draw them unto covenants and sides, In such a manner, that whate're betides, They'l move you, if you give them eare (no doubt) With both your friends and kinred to fall out. They make a vassal to gain-stand his Lord, And children their own Parents, in a Word All reverence shall then be banished: No true respect to other shall be had: They'l say that every man should have his turn, Both in his going forth, and his return;

And hereupon there shall arise such woes, Such jarrings, and confused toos and froes, That never were in history such coyles Set down as yet, such tumults and garboyles. Then shall you many gallant men, see by Valour stirr'd up, and youthful fervencie, Who trusting too much in their hopeful time, Live but a while, and perish in their prime. Neither shall any who this course shall run, Leave off the race which he hath once begun, Till they the heavens with noise by their contention Have fill'd, and with their steps the earths dimension. Then those shall have no lesse authority, That have no faith, then those that will not lie; For all shall be governed by a rude, Base, ignorant, and foolish multitude; The veriest lowt of all shall be their Judge. O horrible, and dangerous deluge! Deluge I call it, and that for good reason, For this shall be omitted in no season: Nor shall the earth of this foule stirre be free, Till suddenly you in great store shall see The waters issue out, with whose streams the Most moderate of all shall moist'ned be, And justly too; because they did not spare The flocks of beasts that innocentest are, But did their sinews, and their bowels take, Not to the gods a sacrifice to make, But usually to serve themselves for sport; And now consider, I do you exhort, In such commotions so continual,

What rest can take the globe terrestrial? Most happy then are they, that can it hold, And use it carefully as precious gold, By keeping it in Goale, whence it shall have No help but him, who being to it gave: And to increase his mournful accident, The Sunne, before it set in th' occident; Shall cease to dart upon it any light, More then in an eclipse, or in the night. So that at once its favour shall be gone, And liberty with it be left alone. And yet before it come to ruine thus, Its quaking shall be as impetuous As Aetna's was, when Titan's sons lay under, And yeeld, when lest, a fearful sound like thunder. Inarime did not more quickly move, When Typheûs did the vast huge hills remove, And for despite into the sea them threw.

Thus shall it then be lost by wayes not few, And changed suddenly, when those that have it To other men that after come shall leave it. Then shall it be high time to cease from this So long, so great, so tedious exercise; For the great waters told you now by me, Will make each think where his retreat shall be; And yet before that they be clean disperst, You may behold in th' aire where nought was erst, The burning heat of a great flame to rise, Lick up the water, and the enterprise.

It resteth after those things to declare, That those shall fit content, who chosen are,

With all good things, and with celestial man, And richly recompensed every man: The others at the last all strip't shall be, That after this great work all men may see How each shall have his due, this is their lot; O he is worthy-praise that shrinketh not.

No sooner was this aenigmatical monu∣ment read over, but Gargantua fetching a very deep sigh, said unto those that stood by, It is not now only (I perceive) that People called to the faith of the Gospel, and convinced with the certainty of Evange∣lical truths are persecuted; but happy is that man that shall not be scandalized, but shall alwayes continue to the end, in aiming at that mark, which God by his dear Son hath set before us, without being distracted or diverted by his carnal affections and depra∣ved nature.

The Monk then said, What do you think in your conscience is meant and signified by this riddle? What? (said Gargantua) the pro∣gresse and carrying on of the divine truth. By St. Goderan (said the Monk) that is not my exposition; it is the stile of the Prophet Mer∣lin: make upon it as many grave allegories and glosses as you will, and dote upon it you and the rest of the world as long as you please: for my part, I can conceive no other meaning in it, but a description of a set at

tennis in dark and obscure termes. The sub∣orners of men are the Makers of matches, which are commonly friends. After the two chases are made, he that was in the up∣per end of the tennis-court goeth out, and the other cometh in. They beleeve the first, that saith the ball was over or under the line. The waters are the heats that the players take till they sweat again. The cords of the rackets are made of the guts of sheep or goats. The Globe terrestrial is the tennis-ball. After playing, when the game is done, they refresh themselves before a clear fire, and change their shirts: and very willingly they make all good cheer, but most merrily those that have gained; And so farewel.

FINIS.

Notes

• * 1.1

  La bou∣teille est fermele a bouchon, etle flaccon a vis.
• * 1.2

  Ouje vous je vous prie.
• * 1.3

  〈 in non-Latin alphabet 〉〈 in non-Latin alphabet 〉, la∣teris cavi∣tas: 〈 in non-Latin alphabet 〉〈 in non-Latin alphabet 〉, orcus: and 〈 in non-Latin alphabet 〉〈 in non-Latin alphabet 〉, alter
• * 1.4

  Prestre macé mai∣stre passé.
• * 1.5

  Besonger du cul, English'd, The eye of the needle.
• * 1.6

  Painen sac Franc∣repas mouille¦vent.
• * 1.7

  Aubeliere.
• * 1.8

  Tourne∣mole, bal∣defesses, menuail, gratelles, morfiaille.
• * 1.9

  Ungentem pungit. pungentem rusticus ungit.
• * 1.10

  Menuaille spadaslin merdaille.
• * 1.11

  Fessecamp and cor∣ruptly Fe∣can.
• * 1.12

  Tireavant.
• * 1.13

  Hastueau. Touque∣dillon.
• * 1.14

  Each Besant is worth five pounds English money.