The first [second] book of the works of Mr. Francis Rabelais, Doctor in Physick, containing five books of the lives, heroick deeds, and sayings of Gargantua, and his sonne Pantagruel. Together with the Pantagrueline prognostication, the oracle of the divine Bachus, and response of the bottle. Hereunto are annexed the navigations unto the sounding isle, and the isle of the Apedests: as likewise the philosophical cream with a Limosm epistle. / All done by Mr. Francis Rabelais, in the French tongue, and now faithfully translated into English.

CHAP. XXXIII. How some Statesmen of Picrochole, by haire∣brain'd counsel put him in ex∣treme danger.

THe carts being unloaded, and the mo∣ney and cakes secured, there came be∣fore * 1.1 Picrochole, the Duke of Small-trash, the Earle Swash-buckler, and Captain Durtaille, who said unto him, Sir, this day we make you the happiest, the most warlike and chi∣valrous Prince that ever was since the death of Alexander of Macedonia. Be covered, be covered, (said Picrochole,) Grammercie (said they) we do but our duty: The man∣ner is thus, you shall leave some Captain here to have the charge of this Garrison, with a Party competent for keeping of the place, which besides its natural strength, is made stronger by the rampiers and fortresses of your devising. Your Army you are to divide into two parts, as you know very well how to do: one part thereof shall fall upon

Grangbusier and his forces, by it shall he be ea∣sily at the very first shock routed, and then shall you get money by heaps, for the Clown hath store of ready coine: Clown we call him, because a noble and generous Prince hath never a penny, and that to hoard up treasure is but a clownish trick. The other part of the Army in the mean time shall draw towards Onys, Xiantouge, Angoulesme and Gascony: then march to Perigourt, Me∣dos and Elanes, taking whereever you come without resistance, townes, castles and forts: Afterwards to Bayonne, St. Ihon de luz, to Fuentarabia, where you shall seize upon all the ships, and coasting along Galicia and Por∣tugal, shall pillage all the maritine places, even unto Lisbone, where you shall be sup∣plied with all necessaries befitting a Con∣querour. By copsodie Spain will yield, for they are but a race of Loobies: then are you to passe by the streights of Gibraltar, where you shall erect two pillars more stately then those of Hercules, to the perpetual memory of your name, and the narrow entrance shall be called the Picrocholinal sea.

Having past the Picrocholinal sea, behold, Barbarossa yields himself your slave: I will (said Picrochole) give him faire quarter and spare his life. Yea (said they) so that he be content to be christened. And you shall con∣quer the Kingdomes of Tunes, of Hippos,

Argier, Bomino, Corode, yea all Barbary. Furthermore, you shall take into your hands Majorca, Minorca, Sardinia, Corsica, with the other Islands of the Ligustick and Balearian seas. Going alongst on the left hand, you shall rule all Gallia Narbonensis, Provence, the Allobrogians, Genua, Florence, Luca, and then God biwy Rome; By my faith (said Picro∣chole,) I will not then kisse his pantuffle.

Italy being thus taken, behold, Naples, Ca∣labria, Apulia and Sicilie, all ransacked, and Malta too. I wish the pleasant Knights of the Rhodes heretofore would but come to re∣sist you, that we might see their urine. I would (said Picrochole) very willingly go to Loretta. No, no, (said they) that shall be at our return; from thence we will saile East∣wards, and take Candia, Cyprus, Rhodes, and the Cyclade Islands, and set upon Morea. It is ours by St. Trenian, the Lord preserve Je∣rusalem; for the great Soldan is not compa∣rable to you in power: I will then (said he) cause Solomon's Temple to be built: No, (said they) not yet, have a little patience, stay a while, be never too sudden in your enter∣prises. Can you tell what Octavian Augustus said, Festina lentè; it is requisite that you first have the lesser Asia, Caria, Lycia, Pamphilia, Cilicia, Lydia, Phrygia, Mysia, Bithynia, Cara; Zia, Satalia, Samagaria, Castamena, Luga, Sanasta, even unto Euphrates; Shall we see

(said Picrochole,) Babylon and Mount Sinai? There is no need (said they) at this time; have we not hurried up and down, travelled and toyled enough, in having transfreted and past over the Hircanian sea, marched alongst the two Armenias, and the three Arabias? By my faith (said he) we have played the fooles, and are undone: Ha, poor soules! What's the matter, said they? What shall we have (said he) to drink in these deserts? for Julian Augustus, with his whole Army died there for thirst, as they say. We have al∣ready (said they) given order for that. In the Siriack sea you have nine thousand and fourteen great ships laden with the best wines in the world: they arrived at Port-Joppa, there they found two and twenty thousand Camels, and sixteen hundred Ele∣phants, which you shall have taken at one hunting about Sigelmes, when you entered into Lybia: and besides this, you had all the Mecca Caravane. Did not they furnish you sufficiently with wine? Yes, but (said he) we did not drink it fresh: By the vertue (said they) not of a fish, a valiant man, a Con∣querour, who pretends and aspires to the Monarchy of the world, cannot alwayes have his ease. God be thanked, that you and your men are come safe and sound unto the banks of the river Tigris; But (said he) what doth that part of our Army in the mean

time, which overthrows that unworthy Swill-pot Grangousier? They are not idle (said they) we shall meet with them by and by, they shall have won you Britany, Normandy, Flanders, Haynault, Brabant, Artois, Holland, Zealand; they have past the Rhine over the bellies of the Switsers and Lanskenets, and a Party of these hath subdued Luxemburg, Lorrain, Champaigne and Savoy, even to Lions, in which place they have met with your forces, returning from the naval Con∣quests of the Mediterranean sea: and have rallied again in Bohemia, after they had plun∣dered and sacked Suevia, Wittemberg, Ba∣varia, Austria, Moravia and Styria. Then they set fiercely together upon Lubeck, Nor∣way, Swedeland, Rie, Denmark, Gitland, Green∣land, the Sterlins, even unto the frozen sea; this done, they conquered the isles of Orkney, and subdued Scotland, England and Ireland. From thence sailing through the sandie sea, and by the Sarmates, they have vanquished and overcome Prussia, Poland, Lituania, Rus∣sia, Walachia, Transilvania, Hungarie, Bul∣garia, Turquieland, and are now at Constanti∣nople. Come (said Picrochole,) let us go joyn with them quickly, for I will be Emperour of Trebezonde also: shall we not kill all these dogs, Turks and Mahumetans? What a devil should we do else, said they: and you shall give their goods and lands to such as shall

have served you honestly: Reason (said he) will have it so, that is but just, I give unto you the Caramania, Surie, and all the Pale∣stine. Ha, Sir, (said they) it is out of your goodnesse; Grammercie, we thank you, God grant you may alwayes prosper. There was there present at that time an old Gentle∣man well experienced in the warres, a sterne souldier, and who had been in many great hazards, named Echephron, who hearing this discourse, said, I do greatly doubt that all this enterprise will be like the tale or inter∣lude of the pitcher full of milk, wherewith a Shoemaker made himself rich in conceit: but when the pitcher was broken, he had not whereupon to dine: what do you pre∣tend by these large Conquests? what shall be the end of so many labours and crosses? Thus it shall be (said Picrochole) that when we are returned, we shall sit down, rest and be merry: But (said Echephron,) if by chance you should never come back, for the voy∣age is long and dangerous, were it not bet∣ter for us to take our rest now, then unne∣cessarily to expose our selves to so many dangers? O (said Swashbuckler,) by G—here is a good dotard, come let us go hide our selves in the corner of a chimney, and there spend the whole time of our life a∣mongst Ladies, in threading of pearles, or spinning like Sardanapalus: He that nothing

ventures, hath neither horse nor mule, (sayes Salomon:) He who adventureth too much (said Echephron) loseth both horse and mule, answered Malchon. Enough (said Picrochole,) go forward: I feare nothing, but that these devillish legions of Grangou∣sier, whilest we are in Mesopotamia, will come on our backs, and charge up our reer, what course shall we then take? what shall be our remedy? A very good one; (said Durtaille) a pretty little commission, which you must send unto the Muscoviters, shall bring you into the field in an instant foure hundred and fifty thousand choise men of warre; O that you would but make me your Lieutenant General, I should for the lightest faults of any inflict great punishments. I fret, I charge, I strike, I take, I kill, I slay, I play the devil. On, on, (said Picrochole) make haste, my lads, and let him that loves me, follow me.

Notes

• * 1.1

  Menuaille spadaslin merdaille.