The first [second] book of the works of Mr. Francis Rabelais, Doctor in Physick, containing five books of the lives, heroick deeds, and sayings of Gargantua, and his sonne Pantagruel. Together with the Pantagrueline prognostication, the oracle of the divine Bachus, and response of the bottle. Hereunto are annexed the navigations unto the sounding isle, and the isle of the Apedests: as likewise the philosophical cream with a Limosm epistle. / All done by Mr. Francis Rabelais, in the French tongue, and now faithfully translated into English.

The Second Book of RABELAIS, Treating of the Heroick Deeds and Sayings of the good PANTAGRUEL. (Book 2)

CHAP. I. Of the Original and Antiquity of the great Pantagruel.

IT will not be an idle nor un∣profitable thing, seeing we are at leasure to put you in minde of the Fountain and Original Source, whence is derived unto us the good Pantagruel; for I see that all good Historio∣graphers have thus handled their Chronicle; not only the Arabians, Barbarians and Latines; but also the gentle Greeks, who were eternal drinkers. You must therefore remark, that at the beginning of the world, (I speak of a long time, it is above fourty quarantaines,

or fourty times fourty nights, according to the supputation of the ancient Druids) a little after that Abel was killed by his brother Cain, the earth imbrued with the blood of the just, was one year so exceeding fertil in all those fruits which it usually produceth to us, and especially in Medlars, that ever since, throughout all ages it hath been called the yeare of the great medlars, for three of them cid fill a bushel: in it the Calends were found by the Grecian Almanacks, there was that yeare nothing of the moneth of March in the time of Lent, and the middle of August was in May: in the moneth of October, as I take it, or at least September, (that I may not erre; for I will carefully take heed of that) was the week so famous in the Annals, which they call the week of the three Thursdayes; for it had three of them by meanes of their regular Leap-yeares, (called Bissextils)▪ occasioned by the Sunnes having tripped and stumbled a little towards the left hand, like a debtor afraid of Serjeants coming right upon him to arrest him: and the Moon varied from her course above five fathom, and there was manifestly seen the motion of trepidation in the firmament of the fixed starres, called A∣planes, so that the middle Pleiade leaving her fellowes, declined towards the Equinoctial, and the starre named Spica, left the constella∣tion of the Virgin to withdraw her self to∣wards

the balance known by the name of Libra, which are cases very terrible, and mat∣ters so hard and difficult, that Astrologians cannot set their teeth in them; and indeed their teeth had been pretty long if they could have reached thither.

However account you it for a truth, that every body then did most heartily eat of those medlars, for they were faire to the eye, and in taste delicious: but even as Noah that holy man, (to whom we are so much behold∣ing, bound and obliged, for that he planted to us the Vine, from whence we have that nectarian, delicious, precious, heavenly, joy∣ful and deifick liquour, which they call the piot or tiplage) was deceived in the drinking of it, for he was ignorant of the great vertue and power thereof: so likewise the men and women of that time did delight much in the eating of that faire great fruit, but divers and very different accidents did ensue thereupon; for there fell upon them all in their bodies a most terrible swelling, but not upon all in the same place, for some were swollen in the belly, and their belly strouted out big like a great tun, of whom it is written ventrem om∣nipotentem, who were all very honest men, and merry blades: and of this race came St. Fatgulch and Shrovetuesday; Others did swell * 1.1 at the shoulders, who in that place were so crump and knobbie; that they were therefore

called Montifers, (which is as much to say as Hill-carriers,) of whom you see some yet in the world of divers sexes and degrees: of this race came Aesop, some of whose excel∣lent words and deeds you have in writing: some other puffes did swell in length by the member, which they call the Labourer of nature, in such sort that it grew marvellous long, fat, great, lustie, stirring and Crest∣risen, in the Antick fashion, so that they made use of it as of a girdle, winding it five or six times about their waste: but if it happened the foresaid member to be in good case, spooming with a full saile bunt faire before the winde, then to have seen those strouting Champions, you would have taken them for men that had their lances setled on their Rest, to run at the ring or tilting whintam: of these beleeve me the race is utterly lost and quite extinct, as the women say; for they do la∣ment continually, that there are none extant now of those great, &c. you know the rest of the song. Others did grow in matter of ballocks so enormously, that three of them would well fill a sack, able to contain five quarters of wheat, from them are descended the ballocks of Lorraine, which never dwell in Codpieces, but fall down to the bottome of the breeches. Others grew in the legs, and to see them, you would have said they had been Cranes, or the reddish-long-bill'd-stork-like-scrank-legged sea-fowles,

called Flamans, or else men walking upon stilts or scatches: the little Grammar school-boyes (known by the name of Grimos,) called those leg-grown slangams Jambus, in allusion to the French word Jambe, which signifieth a leg. In others, their nose did grow so, that it seemed to be the beak of a Limbeck, in e∣very part thereof most variously diapred with the twinkling sparkles of Crimson-blisters budding forth, and purpled with pimples all enameled with thick-set wheales of a san∣guine colour, bordered with gueules, and such have you seen the Chanon, or Prebend Panzoul, and Woodenfoot the Physician of An∣giers: of which race there were few that li∣ked the Ptisane, but all of them were perfect lovers of the pure septembral juice; Naso and Ovid had their extraction from thence, and all those of whom it is written, Ne remi∣niscaris. Others grew in eares, which they had so big, that out of one would have been stuffe enough got, to make a doublet, a paire of breeches and a jacket, whilest with the other they might have covered themselves as with a Spanish Cloak: and they say, that in Bourbonois this race remaineth yet. Others grew in length of body, and of those came the Giants, and of them Pantagruel.

• And the first was Chalbroth
• who begat Sarabroth
• ...

• who begat Faribroth
• who begat Hurtali, that was a brave eater of pottage, and reigned in the time of the flood.
• who begat Nembroth
• who begat Atlas, that with his shoulders kept the sky from falling.
• who begat Goliah
• who begat Erix, that invented the Hocus po∣cus playes of Legerdemain.
• who begat Titius
• who begat Eryon
• who begat Polyphemus
• who begat Cacos
• who begat Etion, the first man that ever had the pox, for not drinking fresh in Summer, as Bartachin witnesseth.
• who begat Enceladus
• who begat Ceus
• who begat Tiphaeus
• who begat Alaeus
• who begat Othus
• who begat Aegeon
• who begat Briareus that had a hundred hands.
• who begat Porphyrio
• who begat Adamastor
• who begat Anteus
• who begat Agatho
• Who begat Porus, against whom fought A∣lexander the great.
• who begat Aranthas
• ...

• who begat Cabbara, that was the first inven∣tor of the drinking of healths.
• who begat Goliah of Secondille
• who begat Offot, that was terribly well nosed for drinking at the barrel-head.
• who begat Artachaeus
• who begat Oromedon
• who begat Gemmagog, the first inventor of Poulan shoes which are open on the foot, and tied over the instep with a latchet.
• who begat Sisyphus,
• who begat the Titans, of whom Hercules was born.
• who begat Enay, the most skilful man that ever was, in matter of taking the little wormes (called Cirons) out of the hands.
• who begat Fierabras, that was vanquished by Oliver Peer of France, and Rowlands Camrade.
• who begat Morgan, the first in the world that played at dice with spectacles.
• who begat Fracassus, of whom Merlin Coc∣caius hath written, and of him was borne Ferragus.
• who begat Hapmouche, the first that ever in∣vented the drying of neats tongues in the Chimney; for before that, people salted them, as they do now gammons of bacon.
• who begat Bolivorax
• ...

• who begat Longis
• who begat Gayoffo, whose ballocks were of poplar, and his pr... of the servise or sorb-apple-tree.
• who begat Maschefain
• who begat Bruslefer
• who begat Angoulevent
• who begat Galehaut the inventor of flag∣gons.
• who begat Mirelangaut
• who begat Gallaffre
• who begat Salourdin
• who begat Roboast
• who begat Sortibrant of Conimbres.
• who begat Brusbaut of Mommiere
• who begat Bruyer that was overcome by O∣gier the Dane Peer of France.
• who begat Mabrun
• who begat Foutasnon
• who begat Haquelebac
• who begat Vitdegrain
• who begat Grangousier
• who begat Gargantua
• who begat the noble Pantagruel my Master.

I know that reading this passage, you will make a doubt within your selves, and that grounded upon very good reason: which is this, how it is possible that this relation can be true, seeing at the time of the flood all the world was destroyed, except Noah, and

seven persons more with him in the Ark, in∣to whose number Hurtali is not admitted; doubtlesse the demand is well made, and ve∣ry apparent, but the answer shall satisfie you, or my wit is not rightly caulked: and because I was not at that time to tell you any thing of my own fancie, I will bring unto you the authority of the Massorets, good honest fel∣lows, true ballokeering blades, and exact He∣braical bagpipers, who affirm that verily the said Hurtali was not within the Ark of Noah, (neither could he getin, for he was too big) but he sate astride upon it, with one leg on the one side, and another on the other, as little children use to do upon their wooden hor∣ses: or as the great Bull of Berne, which was killed at Marinian, did ride for his Hackney the great murthering piece called the Canon∣perrier, a pretty beast of a faire and pleasant amble without all question.

In that posture, he after God, saved the said Ark from danger, for with his legs he gave it the brangle that was needful, and with his foot turned it whither he pleased, as a ship answereth her rudder. Those that were within sent him up victuals in abundance by a Chimney, as people very thankfully ac∣knowledging the good that he did them; And sometimes they did talk together as Va∣romenippus did to Jupiter, according to the report of Lucian. Have you understood all

this well? drink then one good draught with∣out water; for if you beleeve it not: no tru∣ly do I not, quoth she.

CHAP. II. Of the Nativity of the most dread and redoubt∣ed Pantagruel.

GArgantua at the age of foure hundred, fourescore fourty and foure yeares be∣gat his sonne Pantagruel, upon his wife na∣med Badebec, daughter to the King of the Amaurots in Utopia, who died in childe-birth, for he was so wonderfully great and lumpish, that he could not possibly come forth into the light of the world, without thus suffoca∣ting his mother. But that we may fully un∣derstand the cause and reason of the name of Pantagruel, which at his Baptism was given him, you are to remark, that in that yeare there was so great drought over all the coun∣trey of Affrick, that there past thirty and six moneths, three weeks, foure dayes, thirteen houres, and a little more without raine, but with a heat so vehement, that the whole earth was parched and withered by it: neither was it more scorched and dried up with heat in the dayes of Eliah, then it was at that time; for there was not a tree to be seen, that had either

leafe or bloom upon it: the grasse was with∣out verdure or greennesse, the rivers were drained, the fountaines dried up, the poore fishes abandoned and forsaken by their pro∣per element, wandring and crying upon the ground most horribly: the birds did fall down from the aire for want of moisture and dew, wherewith to refresh them: the wolves, foxes, harts, wild-boares, fallow-deer, hares, coneys, weesils, brocks, badgers, and other such beasts were found dead in the fields with their mouthes open; in respect of men, there was the pity, you should have seen them lay out their tongues like hares that have been run six houres: many did throw themselves into the wells: others entred within a Cowes belly to be in the shade; those Homer calls A∣libants: all the Countrey was idle, and could do no vertue: it was a most lamentable case to have seen the labour of mortals in defend∣ing themselves from the vehemencie of this horrifick drought; for they had work enough to do to save the holy water in the Churches from being wasted; but there was such order taken by the counsel of my Lords the Car∣dinals, and of our holy Father, that none did dare to take above one lick: yet when any one came into the Church, you should have seen above twenty poor thirsty fellows hang upon him that was the distributer of the wa∣ter, and that with a wide open throat, gaping

for some little drop, (like the rich glutton in Luke,) that might fall by, lest any thing should be lost. O how happy was he in that yeare, who had a coole Cellar under ground, well plenished with fresh wine!

The Philosopher reports in moving the question, wherefore it is that the sea-water is salt? that at the time when Phoebus gave the government of his resplendent chariot to his sonne Phaeton, the said Phaeton, unskilful in the Art, and not knowing how to keep the ecliptick line betwixt the two tropicks of the latitude of the Sunnes course, strayed out of his way, and came so near the earth, that he dried up all the Countreys that were under it, burning a great part of the Hea∣vens, which the Philosophers call via lactea, and the Huffsnuffs, St. James his way, al∣though the most coped, lofty, and high-crest∣ed Poets affirme that to be the place where Juno's milk fell, when she gave suck to Her∣cules.

The earth at that time was so excessively heated, that it fell into an enormous sweat, yea such a one as made it sweat out the sea, which is therefore salt, because all sweat is salt; and this you cannot but confesse to be true, if you will taste of your own, or of those that have the pox, when they are put into a sweating, it is all one to me. Just such an∣other case fell out this same yeare: for on a

certain Friday, when the whole people were bent upon their devotions, and had made goodly Processions, with store of Letanies, and faire preachings, and beseechings of God Almighty, to look down with his eye of mer∣cy upon their miserable and disconsolate con∣dition, there was even then visibly seen issue out of the ground great drops of water, such as fall from a puff-bagg'd man in a top sweat; and the poore Hoydons began to rejoyce, as if it had been a thing very profitable unto them; for some said that there was not one drop of moisture in the aire, whence they might have any rain, and that the earth did supply the default of that. Other learned men said, that it was a showre of the Antipodes, as Se∣neca saith in his fourth book Quaestionum na∣turalium, speaking of the source and spring of Nilus: but they were deceived, for the Procession being ended, when every one went about to gather of this dew, and to drink of it with full bowles; they found that it was nothing but pickle, and the very brine of salt, more brackish in taste then the saltest water of the sea: and because in that very day Pantagruel was borne, his father gave him that name; for panta in Greek is as much to say as all, and Gruel in the Hagarene language doth signifie thirsty; inferring here∣by, that at his birth the whole world was a dry and thirstie, as likewise foreseeing that

he, would be some day Suprem Lord, & Sove∣reign of the thirstie Ethrappels, which was shewn to him at that very same hour by a more evident signe; for when his mother Badebec was in the bringing of him forth, and that the Midwives did wait to receive him: there came first out of her belly threescore and eight Tregeneers (that is, Salt-sellers,) every one of them leading in a Halter a Mule hea∣vy loaden with salt: after whom issued forth nine Dromedaries, with great loads of gam∣mons of bacon, and dried neats tongues on their backs: then followed seven Camels loaded with links and chitterlins, Hogs pud∣dings and salciges: after them came out five great waines, full of leeks, garlick, onions and chibols, drawn with five and thirty strong Cart-horses, which was six for every one, besides the Thiller. At the sight hereoi the said Midwives were much amazed; yet some of them said, Lo, here is good provi∣sion, and indeed we need it; for we drink but lazily, as if our tongues walked on crutches, and not lustily like Lansman dutches: truly this is a good signe, there is nothing here but what is fit for us, these are the spurres of wine that set it a going. As they were ratling thus together after their own manner of chat, behold, out comes Pantagruel all hairie like a Beare, whereupon one of them inspired with a prophetical Spirit, said, This will be a ter∣rible

fellow, he is borne with all his haire, he is undoubtedly to do wonderful things; and if he live, he shall have age.

CHAP. III. Of the grief wherewith Gargantua was mo∣ved at the decease of his wife Badebec.

WHen Pantagruel was borne, there was none more astonished and perplexed then was his father Gargantua; for of the one side, seeing his wife Badebec dead, and on the other side his sonne Pantagruel born, so faire and so great, he knew not what to say nor what to do: and the doubt that troubled his braine, was to know whether he should cry for the death of his wife, or laugh for the joy of his sonne: he was hinc indè choaked with sophistical arguments, for he framed them very well in modo & figura, but he could not resolve them, remaining pestered and entangled by this means, like a mouse catch't in a trap, or kite snared in a ginne: Shall I weep (said he?) Yes, for why? my so good wife is dead, who was the most this, the most that, that ever was in the world: never shall I see her, never shall I recover such another, it is unto me an inestimable losse! O my

good God, what had I done that thou should∣est thus punish me? why didst thou not take me away before her? seeing for me to live without her is but to languish. Ah Badebec, Badebec, my minion, my dear heart, my su∣gar, my sweeting, my honey, my little C... (yet it had in circumference full six acres, three rods, five poles, foure yards, two foot, one inche and a half of good woodland measure) my tender peggie, my Codpiece darling, my bob and hit, my slipshoe-lovie, never shall I see thee! Ah, poor Pantagruel, thou hast lost thy good mother, thy sweet nurse, thy well-beloved Lady! O false death, how injurious and despightful hast thou been to me? how malicious and outragious have I found thee? in taking her from me, my well-beloved wife, to whom immortality did of right belong. With these words he did cry like a Cow, but on a sudden fell a laughing like a Calfe, when Pantagruel came into his minde: Ha, my little sonne, (said he, my childilollie, fedli••ondie, dandlichuckie, my ballockie, my pretty rogue; O how jollie thou art, and how much am I bound to my gracious God, that hath been pleased to be∣stow on me a sonne, so faire, so spriteful, so lively, so smiling, so pleasant, and so gentle. Ho, ho, ho, ho, how glad I am? Let us drink, ho; and put away melancholy: bring of the best; rense the glasses, lay the cloth,

drive out these dogs, blow this fire, light candles, shut that door there, cut this bread in sippets for brewis, send away these poore folks in giving them what they ask, hold my gown, I will strip my self into my doublet, (ēn cuerpo) to make the Gossips merry, and keep them company.

As he spake this, he heard the Letanies and the memento's of the Priests that carried his wife to be buried, upon which he left the good purpose he was in, and was suddenly ravished another way, saying, Lord God, must I again contrist my self? this grieves me; I am no longer young, I grow old, the weather is dangerous; I may perhaps take an ague, then shall I be foiled, if not quite un∣done; by the faith of a Gentleman, it were better to cry lesse, and drink more.

My wife is dead, well, by G—(da jurandi) I shall not raise her again by my crying: she is well, she is in Paradise at least, if she be no higher: she prayeth to God for us, she is hap∣py, she is above the sense of our miseries, nor can our calamities reach her: what though she be dead, must not we also die? the same debt which she hath paid, hangs over our heads; nature will require it of us, and we must all of us some day taste of the same sauce: let her passe then, and the Lord pre∣serve the Survivors; for I must now cast a∣bout how to get another wife. But I will

tell you what you shall do, (said he) to the Midwives in France called wise women (Where be the good folks? I cannot see them,) go you to my wives interrement, and I will the while rock my sonne: for I finde my self somewhat altered and distempered, and should otherwayes be in danger of falling sick: but drink one good draught first, you will be the better for it; and beleeeve me upon mine honour, they at his request went to her burial and funeral obsequies: in the mean while, poor Gargantua staying at home, and willing to have somewhat in remem∣brance of her to be engraven upon her tomb, made this Epitaph in the manner as follow∣eth.

Dead is the noble Badebec, Who had a face like a Rebeck; A Spanish body, and a belly Of Swisserland, she dy'd, I tell ye, In childe-birth: pray to God, that her He pardon wherein she did erre. Here lies her body, which did live Free from all vice, as I beleeve; And did decease at my bed-side, The yeare and day in which she dy'd.

CHAP. IV. Of the Infancie of Pantagruel.

I Finde by the ancient Historiographers and Poets, that divers have been borne in this world, after very strange manners, which would be too long to repeat; reade therefore the seventh chapter of Pliny, if you have so much leisure: yet have you never heard of any so wonderful as that of Pantagruel; for it is a very difficult matter to beleeve, how in the little time he was in his mothers belly, he grew both in body and strength. That which Hercules did, was nothing, when in his Cradle he slew two serpents; for those serpents were but little and weak: but Pantagruel being yet in the Cradle, did farre more admirable things, and more to be amazed at. I passe by here the relation of how at every one of his meales he supped up the milk of foure thousand and six hundred Cowes: and how to make him a skellet to boil his milk in, there were set a work all the Brasiers of Somure in Anjou, of Villedieu in Normandy, and of Bra∣mont in Lorraine: and they served in this whitepot-meat to him in a huge great Bell, which is yet to be seen in the City of Bourge

in Berrie, near the Palace; but his teeth were already so well grown, and so strength∣ened in vigour, that of the said Bell he bit off a great morsel, as very plainly doth appeare till this houre.

One day in the morning, when they would have made him suck one of his Cows, (for he never had any other Nurse, as the History tells us) he got one of his armes loose from the swadling bands, wherewith he was kept fast in the Cradle, laid hold on the said Cow under the left fore hamme, and grasp∣ing her to him, ate up her udder and half of her paunch, with the liver and the kidneys, and had devoured all up, if she had not cried out most horribly, as if the wolves had held her by the legs, at which noise company came in, and took away the said Cow from Pantagruel; yet could they not so well do it, but that the quarter whereby he caught her was left in his hand, of which quarter he gulp't up the flesh in a trice, even with as much ease as you would eate a salcige; and that so greedily with desire of more, that when they would have taken away the bone from him, he swallowed it down whole, as a Cormorant would do a little fish; and after∣wards began fumblingly to say, Good, good, good, for he could not yet speak plaine; gi∣ving them to understand thereby, that he had found it very good, and that he did lack

but so much more; which when they saw that attended him, they bound him with great cable-ropes, like those that are made at Tain, for the carriage of salt to Lyons; or such as those are, whereby the great French ship rides at Anchor, in the Road of New∣haven in Normandie. But on a certain time, a great Beare which his father had bred, got loose, came towards him, began to lick his face, for his Nurses had not throughly wiped his chaps, at which unexpected approach be∣ing on a sudden offended, he as lightly rid himself of those great cables, as Samson did of the haulser ropes wherewith the Phili∣stines had tied him, and by your leave, takes me up my Lord the Beare, and teares him to you in pieces like a pullet, which served him for a gorge-ful or good warme bit for that meale.

Whereupon Gargantua fearing lest the childe should hurt himself, caused foure great chaines of iron to be made to binde him, and so many strong wooden arches unto his Cradle, most firmely stocked and mortaised in huge frames: of those chaines you have one at Rochel. which they draw up at night betwixt the two great towers of the Haven: Another is at Lyons: A third at Angiers: And the fourth was carried away by the de∣vils to binde Lucifer, who broke his chaines in those dayes, by reason of a cholick that did

extraordinarily torment him, taken with eating a Serjeants soule fried for his break∣fast, and therfore you may beleeve that which Nicolas de Lyra saith upon that place of the Psalter, where it is written, Et Og regem Ba∣san, that the said Og being yet little, was so strong and robustious, that they were faine to binde him with chaines of iron in his Cradle; thus continued Pantagruel for a while very calme and quiet, for he was not able so easily to break those chaines, espe∣cially having no room in the Cradle to give a swing with his armes. But see what hap∣pened, once upon a great Holiday, that his father Gargantua made a sumptuous banquet to all the Princes of his Court: I am apt to beleeve, that the menial officers of the house were so imbusied in waiting each on his proper service at the feast, that no body took care of poor Pantagruel, who was left a re∣culorum, behinde-hand all alone, and as for∣saken. What did he? Heark what he did, good people: he strove and essayed to break the chaines of the Cradle with his armes but coold not, for they were too strong for him: then did he keep with his feet such a stamp∣ing stirre, and so long, that at last he beat out the lower end of his Cradle, which not∣withstanding was made of a great post five foot in square: and assoon as he had gotten out his feer, he slid down as well as he could,

till he had got his soales to the ground; and then with a mighty force he rose up, carry∣ing his Cradle upon his back, bound to him like a Tortoise that crawles up against a wall; and to have seen him, you would have thought it had been a great Carrick of five hundred tunne upon one end. In this man∣ner he entred into the great Hall, where they were banquetting, and that very boldly, which did much affright the companie; yet because his armes were tied in, he could not reach any thing to eate, but with great pain stooped now and then a little, to take with the whole flat of his tongue some lick, good bit or morsel.

Which when his father saw, he knew well enough that they had left him without giving him: any thing to eate, and therefore com∣manded that he should be loosed from the said chains, by the counsel of the Princes and Lords there present: besides that, also the Physicians of Gargantua said, that if they did thus keep him in the Cradle, he would be all his life-time subject to the stone. When he was unchained they made him to sit down, where after he had fed very well, he took his Cradle, and broke it into more then five hundred thousand pieces with one blow of his fist, that he struck in the midst of it, swearing that he would never come into it again.

CHAP. V. Of the Acts of the noble Pantagruel in his youthful age.

THus grew Pantagruel from day to day, and to every ones eye waxed more and more in all his dimensions, which made hrs father to rejoyce by a natural affection: therefore caused he to be made for him, whilest he was yet little, a pretty Crosse∣bowe, wherewith to shoot at small birds, which now they call the great Crossebowe at Chantelle. Then he sent him to the school to learn, and to spend his youth in vertue: in the prosecution of which designe he came first to Poictiers, where, as he studied and profited very much, he saw that the Scholars were oftentimes at leisure, and knew not how to bestow their time, which moved him to take such compassion on them, that one day he took from a long ledge of rocks (cal∣led there Passelourdin,) a huge great stone, of about twelve fathom square, and fourteen handfuls thick, and with great ease set it up∣on foure pillars in the midst of a field, to no other end, but that the said Scholars when they had nothing else to do, might passe their

time in getting up on that stone, and feast it with store of gammons, pasties and flag∣gons, and carve their names upon it with a knife, in token of which deed, till this houre the stone is called the lifted stone: and in re∣membrance hereof there is none entered in∣to the Register and matricular Book of the said University, or accounted capable of ta∣king any degree therein, till he have first drunk in the Caballine fountain of Croustel∣les, passed at Passelourdin, and got up upon the lifted stone.

Afterwards reading the delectable Chro∣nicles of his Ancestors, he found that Jafrey of Lusinian called Jafrey with the great tooth, Grandfather to the Cousin in law of the eldest Sister of the Aunt of the Son in law of the Uncle of the good daughter of his Stepmother, was interred at Maillezais; therefore one day he took campos, (which is a little vacation from study to play a while,) that he might give him a visit as unto an ho∣nest man: and going from Poictiers with some of his companions, they passed by the Guge, visiting the noble Abbot Ardillon: then by Lusinian, by Sansay, by Celles, by Coalon∣ges, by Fontenay the Conte, saluting the learn∣ed Tiraqueau, and from thence arrived at Maillezais, where he went to see the Se∣pulchre of the said Jafrey with the great tooth; which made him somewhat afraid,

looking upon the picture, whose lively draughts did set him forth in the represen∣tation of a man in an extreme fury, drawing his great Malchus faulchion half way out of his scabbard: when the reason hereof was demanded, the Chanons of the said place told him, that there was no other cause of it, but that Pictoribus atque Poetis, &c. that is to say, that Painters and Poets have liberty to paint and devise what they list after their own fancie: but he was not satisfied with their answer, and said, He is not thus painted without a cause; and I suspect that at his death there was some wrong done him, whereof he requireth his Kinred to take revenge: I will enquire further into it, and then do what shall be reasonable; then he returned not to Poictiers, but would take a view of the other Universities of France: therefore go∣ing to Rochel, he took shipping and arri∣ved at Bourdeaux, where he found no great exercise, only now and then he would see some Marriners and Lightermen a wrestling on the key or strand by the river-side: From thence he came to Tholouse, where he learned to dance very well, and to play with the two-handed sword, as the fashion of the Scho∣lars of the said University is to bestir them∣selves in games, whereof they may have their hands full: but he stayed not long there, when he saw that they did cause bury their Re∣gents

alive, like red herring, saying, Now God forbid that I should die this death; for I am by nature sufficiently dry already, with∣out heating my self any further.

He went then to Monpellier, where he met with the good wives of Mirevaux, and good jovial company withal, and thought to have set himself to the study of Physick▪ but he considered that that calling was too troublesome and melancholick; and that Phy∣sicians did smell of glisters like old devils. Therefore he resolved he would studie the lawes; but seeing that there were but three scauld, and one bald-pated Legist in that place, he departed from thence, and in his way made the Bridge of Gard, and the Am∣phitheater of Neems in lesse then three houres, which neverthelesse seems to be a more di∣vine then humane work. After that he came to Avignon, where he was not above three dayes before he fell in love; for the women there take great delight in playing at the close buttock-game, because it is Papal ground; which his Tutor and Pedagogue Epistemon perceiving, he drew him out of that place, and brought him to Valence in the Dauphinee, where he saw no great matter of recreation, only that the Lubbards of the Town did beat the Scholars, which so incen∣sed him with anger, that when upon a certain very faire Sunday, the people being at their

publick dancing in the streets, and one of the Scholars offering to put himself into the ring to partake of that sport, the foresaid lubbardly fellowes would not permit him the admittance into their society; He taking the Scholars part, so belaboured them with blowes, and laid such load upon them, that he drove them all before him, even to the brink of the river Rhosne, and would have there drowned them, but that they did squat to the ground, and there lay close a full halfe league under the river. The hole is to be seen there yet.

After that he departed from thence, and in three strides and one leap came to Angiers, where he found himself very well, and would have continued there some space, but that the plague drove them away. So from thence he came to Bourges, where he studied a good long time, and profited very much in the fa∣culty of the Lawes: and would sometimes say, that the books of the Civil Law, were like unto a wonderfully precious, royal and triumphant robe of cloth of gold, edged with dirt; for in the world are no goodlier books to be seen, more ornate, nor more elo∣quent then the texts of the Pandects; but the bordering of them, that is to say, the glosse of Accursius is so scurvie, vile, base and unsavourie, that it is nothing but filthi∣nesse and villany.

Going from Bourges, he came to Orleans, where he found store of swaggering Scho∣lars that made him great entertainment at his coming, and with whom he learned to play at tennis so well, that he was a Master at that game; for the Students of the said place make a prime exercise of it; and sometimes they carried him unto Cupids houses of com∣merce (in that City termed Islands, because of rheir being most ordinarily environed with other houses, and not contiguous to a∣ny,) there to recreate his person at the sport of Poussevant, which the wenches of London call the Ferkers in and in. As for breaking his head with over-much study, he had an espe∣cial care not to do it in any case, for feare of spoiling his eyes; which he the rather obser∣ved, for that it was told him by one of his Teachers, (there called Regents,) that the paine of the eyes was the most hurtful thing of any to the sight: for this cause when he one day was made a Licentiate, or Graduate in law, one of the Scholras of his acquaintance, who of learning had not much more then his burthen, though in stead of that he could dance very well, and play at tennis, made the blason and device of the Licentiates in the said University, saying,

So you have in your hand a racket, A tennis-ball in your Cod-placket,

A Pandect law in your Caps tippet, And that you have the skill to trip it In a low dance, you will b' allow'd The grant of the Licentiates hood.

CHAP. VI. How Pantagruel met with a Limousin, who too affestedly did counterfeit the French Language.

VPon a certain day, I know not when, Pantagruel walking after supper with some of his fellow-Students, without that gate of the City, through which we enter on the rode to Paris, encountered with a young spruce-like Scholar that was coming upon the same very way; and after they had sa∣luted one another, asked him thus; My friend, from whence comest thou now? the Scholar answered him: From the alme, in∣clyte and celebrate Academie, which is voci∣tated Lutetia. What is the meaning of this (said Pantagruel) to one of his men? It is (answer∣ed he) from Paris. Thou comest from Paris then (said Pantagruel,) and how do you spend your time there, you my Masters the Stu∣dents of Paris? the Scholar answered, We transfretate the Sequan at the dilucul and cre∣puscul,

we deambulate by the compites and quadrives of the Urb: we despumate the La∣tial verbocination: and like verisimilarie a∣morabons, we captat the benevolence of the omnijugal, omniform, and omnigenal foemi∣nine sexe: upon certain diecules we invisat the Lupanares, and in a venerian extase in∣culcate our veretres, into the penitissime re∣cesses of the pudends of these amicabili∣ssim meretricules: then do we cauponisate in the meritory taberns of the pineapple, the castle, the magdalene, and the mule, goodly vervecine spatules perforaminated with pe∣trocile; and if by fortune there be rarity, or penury of pecune in our marsupies; and that they be exhausted of ferruginean met∣tal, for the shot we dimit our codices, and oppugnerat our vestiments, whilest we pre∣stolate the coming of the Tabellaries from the Penates and patriotick Lares: to which Pantagruel answered, What devillish language is this? by the Lord, I think thou art some kind of Heretick: My Lord, no, said the Scholar; for libentissimally assoon as it illucesceth any minutle slice of the day; I demigrate into one of these so well architected minsters; and there irrorating my self with faire Iustral water; I mumble offlittle parcels of some mis∣sick precation of our sacrificuls: and submur∣murating my horarie precules, I elevate and absterge my anime from its nocturnal inqui∣nations:

I revere the Olympicols: I latrially venere the supernal Astripotent: I dilige and redame my proxims: Iobserve the de∣calogical precepts; and according to the facul∣tatule of my vires, I do not discede from them one late unguicule; neverthelesse it is veriforme, that because Mammona doth not supergurgitate any thing in my loculs, that I am somewhat rare and lent to superero∣gate the elemosynes to thoseegents, that ho∣stially queritate their stipe.

Prut, tut, (said Pantagruel,) what doth this foole mean to say? I think he is upon the forging of some diabolical tongue, and that inchanter-like he would charme us; to whom one of his men said, Without doubt (Sir) this fellow would counterfeit the Language of the Parisians, but he doth only flay the La∣tine, imagining by so doing that he doth high∣ly Pindarize it in most eloquent termes, and strongly conceiteth himself to be therefore a great Oratour in the French, because he dis∣daineth the common manner of speaking; to which Pantagruel said, Is it true? the Scho∣lar answered, My worshipful Lord, my genie is not apt nate to that which this flagitious Nebulon saith, to excoriate the cutule of our vernacular Gallick, but viceversally I gnave opere, and by vele and rames enite to locu∣pletate it, with the Latinicome redundance. By G—(said Pantagruel) I will teach you to

speak: but first come hither, and tell me whence thou art? To this the Scholar an∣swered: The primeval origin of my aves and ataves, was indigenarie of the Lemonick regi∣ons, where requiesceth the corpor of the ha∣giotat St. Martial; I understand thee very well (said Pantagruel,) when all comes to all, thou art a Limousin, and thou wilt here by the affected speech counterfeit the Parisiens: well now, come hither, I must shew thee a new trick, and handsomely give thee the combfeat: with this he took him by the throat, saying to him, Thou flayest the Latine; by St. John I will make thee flay the foxe; for I will now flay thee alive: then began the poor Limousin to cry; Haw, gwid Maaster, haw, Laord, my halp, and St. Marshaw, haw, I'm worried: haw, my thropple, the bean of my cragg is bruck: haw, for gauads seck, lawt my lean, Mawster; waw, waw, waw: Now (said Pantagruel) thou speakest naturally, and so let him go, for the poor Limousin had to∣tally berayed, and throughly conshit his breeches, which were not deep and large e∣nough, but round streat caniond gregs, ha∣ving in the seat a piece like a keelings taile; and therefore in French called de chausses, à queue de merlus. Then (said Pantagruel) St. Alipantiu, what civette? si to the devil with this Turnepeater, as he stinks, and so let him go: but this hug of Pantagruels was such a

terrour to him all the dayes of his life, and took such deep impression in his fancie, that very often distracted with sudden affright∣ments, he would startle and say that Panta∣gruel held him by the neck; besides that it procured him a continual drought and desire to drink so that after some few years he died of the death Roland in plain English called thirst, a work of divine vengeance, shewing us that which saith the Philosopher and Aulus Gellius, that it becometh us to speak accord∣ing to the common language: and that we should (as said Octavian Augustus) strive to shun all strange and unknown termes with as much heedfulnesse and circumspection, as Pilots of ships use to avoid the rocks and banks in the sea.

CHAP. VII. How Pantagruel came to Paris, and of the choise Books of the Library of St. Victor.

AFter that Pantagruel had studied very well at Orleans, he resolved to see the great University at Paris; but before his de∣parture, he was informed that there was a huge big bell at St. Anian in the said town of Orleans, under the ground, which had been

there above two hundred and fourteen years; for it was so great that they could not by any device get it so much as above the ground, although they used all the meanes that are found in Vitruvius de Architectura, Albertus de re aedificatoria, Euclid, Theon, Archimedes, and Hero de ingeniis: for all that was to no purpose, wherefore condescending heartily to the humble request of the Citizens and In∣habitants of the said Town, he determined to remove it to the tower that was erected for it: with that he came to the place where it was, and lifted it out of the ground with his little finger, as easily as you would have done a Hawks bell, or Bell-weathers tingle tangle: but before he would carry it to the foresaid tower or steeple appointed for it, he would needs make some Musick with it about the Town, and ring it alongst all the streets, as he carried it in his hand, wherewith all the people were very glad; but there happened one great inconveniency, for with carrying it so, and ringing it about the streets, all the good Orleans wine turned instantly, waxed flat, and was spoiled, which no body there did perceive till the night following; for eve∣ry man found himself so altered, and a dry with drinking these flat wines, that they did nothing but spit, and that as white as Maltha cotton, saying: We have of the Pantagruel, and our very throats are salted. This done, he came

to Paris with his retinue, and at his entry e∣very one came out to see him, (as you know well enough, that the people of Paris is sot∣tish by nature, by B. flat, and B. sharp,) and beheld him with great astonishment, mixed with no lesse feare, that he would carry away the Palace into some other countrey a remo∣tis, and farre from them, as his father former∣ly had done the great peal of Bells at our Ladies Church, to tie about his Mares neck. Now after he had stayed there a pretty space, and studied very well in all the seven liberal Arts, he said it was a good towne to live in, but not to die; for that the grave-digging rogues of St. Innocent, used in frostie nights to warme their bums with dead mens bones. In his abode there he found the Library of St. Victor, a very stately and magnifick one, especially in some books which were there, of which followeth the Repertory and Ca∣talogue; Et primò,

• The for Godsake of salvation.
• The Codpiece of the Law.
• The Slipshoe of the Decretals.
• The Pomegranate of vice.
• The Clew-bottom of Theologie.
• The Duster or foxtail-flap of Preachers, Composed by Turlupin.
• The churning Ballock of the Valiant:
• The Henbane of the Bishops.
• ...

• Marmoretus de baboonis & apis, cum Com∣mento Dorbellis.
• Decretum Universitatis Parisiensis super gor∣giasitate muliercularum ad placitum.
• The Apparition of Sancte Geltrud, to a Nun of Poissie, being in travel, at the bring∣ing forth of a childe.
• Ars honestè fartandi in societate per Marcum Corvinum.
• The mustard-pot of penance.
• The Gamashes, aliàs the boots of patience.
• ... Formicarium artium.
• De brodiorum usu, & honestate quartandi per Sylvestrem prioratem Jacobinum.
• The coosened, or gulled in Court.
• The Fraile of the Scriveners.
• The Marriage-packet.
• The cruzie or crurible of Contemplation.
• The Flimflams of the Law.
• The Prickle of Wine.
• The Spurre of Cheese.
• ... Ruboffatorium scolarium.
• ... Tartaretus de modo cacandi.
• The Bravades of Rome.
• ... Bricot de differentiis Browsarum.
• The tail-piece-cushion, or close-breech of Discipline.
• The cobled Shoe of Humility.
• The Trevet of good thoughts.
• The Kettle of Magnanimity.
• The cavilling intanglements of Confessors.
• ...

• The Snatchfare of the Curats.
• Reverendi patris fratris Lubini provincialis Slabrardiae dc gulpendis lardslicionibus li∣bri tres.
• Pasquilli doctoris marmorei de capreolis cum ar∣tichoket a comedendis tempore Papali ab Ecclesia interdicto.
• The invention of the Holy Crosse, persona∣ted. by six wilie Priests.
• The Spectacles of Pilgrims bound for Rome.
• Majoris de modo faciendi Puddinos.
• The Bagpipe of the Prelates.
• Beda de optimitate triparum.
• The complaint of the Barresters upon the reformation of Confites.
• The furred Cat of the Sollicitors and At∣turneys.
• Of pease and bacon cum Commento.
• The small vales or drinking money of the In∣dulgences.
• ... Praeclarissimi juris utriusque Doctoris Maistre pilloti, &c.
• Scrapfarthingi de botchandis glossaccursianae Trislis repetitio enncidiluculissima
• Stratagemata francharchaeri de Baniolet.
• Carlbumpkinus de re militari cum figuris Tevoti.
• De usu & utilitate flayandi equos & equas au∣thore Magistro nostro de quebecu.
• The sawcinesse of Countrey-Stuarts.
• M. N. Rostocostojan Bedanesse de mustarda

• post prandium servienda, libri quatuor decim apostillati per M. Vaurillonis.
• The covillage or wench-tribute of Pro∣mooters.
• Quaestio fubtilissima, utrum Chimaera in vacuo bombizant posset comedere secundas intenti∣ones, & fuit debatuta per decem hebdo∣madas in Consilio Constantiensi.
• The bridle-champer of the Advocates.
• Smutchudlamenta Scoti.
• The rasping and hard-scraping of the Car∣dinals. De calcaribus removendis Deca∣des undecim per M. Albericum de rosata.
• ... Ejusdem de castramentandis criminibus li∣bri tres.
• The entrance of Antonie de leve into the ter∣ritories of Brasil.
• ... De peelandis aut unskinnandis blurrandisque Cardinalium mulis.
• The said Authors Apologie against those who alledge that the Popes mule doth eat but at set times.
• Prognosticatio quae incipit Silvitriquebillobalata per M. N. the deep dreaming gull Sion.
• Bondarini Episcopi de emulgentiarum profecti∣bus Aeneades novem, cum privilegio Pa∣pali ad triennium & postea non.
• The shitabranna of the maids.
• The bald arse or peel'd breech of the widows.
• The cowle or capouch of the Monks.
• ...

• The mumbling devotion of the Coelestine Fryars.
• The passage-toll of beggarlinesse.
• The teeth-chatter or gum-didder of lubberly lusks.
• The paring-shovel of the Theologues.
• The drench-horne of the Masters of Arts.
• The scullians of Oleam the uninitiated Clerk.
• ... Magistri N. lickdishetis de garbellisiftationibus horarum canon carum libri quadriginta ar∣siver sitatorium confratriarum in∣certo authore.
• The gulsgoatonie or rasher of Cormorants and ravenous feeders.
• The raminishnesse of the Spaniards supergi∣vure gondigaded by Fryar Indigo.
• The muttring of pitiful wretches.
• Dastardismus rerum Itallcarum, authore Ma∣gistro Burnegad.
• ... R. Lu llius de batisfolagiis Principum.
• Calibistratorium caffardiae, authore M. Jacobo hocstraten hereticometrâ.
• Codtickler de magistro nostrandorum magistri nostratorúmque beneventi libri octo ga∣lantissimi.
• The Crackarades of balists or stone-throw∣ing Engines, contrepate Clerks, Scrive∣ners, Brief-writers, Rapporters, and Papal Bull-dispatchers lately com∣piled by Regis.
• A perpetual Almanack for those that have th∣gowt and the pox,
• ...

• ... Manera sweepandi fornacellos per Mag. ecciam.
• The shable or cimeterre of Merchants.
• The pleasures of the Monachal life.
• The hotchpot of Hypocrites.
• The history of the Hobgoblins.
• The ragamuffianisme of the pensionary maimed souldiers.
• The gulling fibs and counterfeit shewes of Commissaries.
• The litter of Treasurers.
• The juglingatorium of Sophisters.
• ... Antipericat a met a naparbeuged amphisistationes toordicantium.
• The periwinkle of ballad-makers.
• The push-forward of the Alchimists.
• The niddie noddie of the sachel-loaded seek∣ers by Friar Bindfastatis.
• The shackles of Religion.
• The racket of swag-waggers.
• The leaning-stock of old age.
• The muzzle of Nobility.
• The Apes pater noster.
• The Crickets and Hawks bells of Devotion.
• The pot of the Emberweeks.
• The mortar of the politick life.
• The flap of the Hermites.
• The riding-hood or Monterg of the Peni∣tentiaries.
• The trictrac of the knocking Friars.
• Blockheadodus de vita & honestate bragado∣chiorum.
• ...

• Lyrippii Sorbonici moralisationes per M. Lu∣poldum.
• The Carrier-horse-bells of Travellers.
• The bibbings of the tipling Bishops.
• Dolloporediones Doctorum Coloniensium ad versus Reuclin.
• The Cymbals of Ladies.
• The Dungers martingale.
• ... Whirlingfriskorum Chasemarkerorum per fra∣trem Crackwoodloguetis.
• The clouted patches of a stout heart.
• The mummerie of the racket-keeping Robin-good-fellows.
• Gerson de auferibilitate Papae ab Ecclesia.
• The Catalogue of the nominated and gra∣duated persons.
• Jo. Dyrebrodii de terribilitate excommuni∣cationis libellus acephalos.
• Ingeniositas invocandi diabolos & diabolas per M. Guingolphum.
• The hotchpotch or gallimafree of the perpe∣tually begging Friars.
• The morrish-dance of the Hereticks.
• The whinings of Cajetan.
• Muddisnowt Doctoris cherubici de origine roughfootedarum & wryneckedorum ri∣tibus libri septem.
• Sixty nine fat breviaries.
• The night-Mare of the five orders of Beggars.
• The skinnery of the new start-ups extracted

• out of the fallow butt, incornifistibula∣ted and plodded upon in the Ange∣lick summe.
• The raver and idle talker in cases of con∣science.
• The fat belly of the Presidents.
• The bafling flowter of the Abbots.
• Sutoris adversus eum qui vocaverat eum Slab∣sauceatorem, & quod slabsauceatores non sunt damnati ab Ecclesia.
• ...Cacatorium medicorum.
• The chimney-sweeper of Astrologie.
• ...Campi clysteriorum per paragraph. C.
• The bumsquicbracker of Apothecaries.
• The kissebreech of Chirurgerie.
• ...Justinianus de whiteleperotis tollendis.
• ...Antidotarium animae.
• Merlinus Coccaius de patria diabolorum.
• The Practice of iniquity by Cleuraunes sadden.
• The Mirrour of basenesse by Radnecu Wal∣denses.
• The ingrained rogue by Dwarsencas Eldenu.
• Thhe mercilesse Cormorvnt by Hoxinidno ••he Jew.

Of which Library some books are already printed, and the rest are now at the Presse, in this noble City of Tubinge.

CHAP. VIII. How Pantagruel being at Paris received let∣ters from his father Gargantua, and the Copy of them.

PAntagruel studied very hard, as you may well conceive, and profited accordingly; for he had an excellent understanding, and notable wit, together wtth a capacity in me∣mory, equal to the mea sure of twelveoyle budgets, or butts of Olives. And as he was there abiding one day, he received a letter from his father in manner as followeth.

Most dear sonne, amongst the gifts, gra∣ces and prerogatives, with which the Sove∣raign Plasmator God Almighty, hath endow∣ed and adorned humane Nature at the begin∣ning, that seems to me most singular and ex∣cellent, by which we may in a mortal estate attain to a kinde of immortality, and in the course of this transitory life perpetuate our name and seed, which is done by a progeny issued from us in the lawful bonds of Matrimony: whereby that in some mea∣sure is restored unto us, which was ta∣ken from us by the sin of our first Parents, to whom it was said, that because they

had not obeyed the Commandment of God their Creator, they should die, and by death should be brought to nought that so stately frame and Plasmature, wherein the man at first had been created.

But by this meanes of seminal propagati∣on, which continueth in the children what was lost in the Parents, and in the grand-children that which perished in their fathers, and so successively until the day of the last judgement, when Jesus Christ shall have ren∣dered up to God the Father his Kingdom in a peaceable condition, out of all danger and contamination of sin; for then shall cease all generations and corruptions, and the ele∣ments leave off their continual transmutati∣ons; seeing the so much desired peace shall be attained unto and enjoyed, and that all things shall be brought to their end and pe∣riod; and therefore not without just and rea∣sonable cause, do I give thanks to God my Saviour and Preserver, for that he hath in∣abled me to see my bald old age reflourish in thy youth: for when at his good pleasure, who rules and governes all things, my soul shall leave this mortal habitation; I shall not account my self wholly to die, but to passe from one place unto another: consi∣dering that in and by that I continue in my visible image living in the world, visiting and conversing with people of honour, and

other my good friends, as I was wont to do: which conversation of mine, although it was not without sin, (because we are all of us tres∣passers, and therefore ought continually to beseech his divine Majesty, to blot our trans∣gressions out of his memory) yet was it by the help and grace of God, without all man∣ner of reproach before men.

Wherefore if those qualities of the minde but shine in thee, wherewith I am endowed, as in thee remaineth the perfect image of my body, thou wilt be esteeined by all men to be the perfect guardian and treasure of the im∣mortality of our name: but if otherwise, I shall truly take but small pleasure to see it, considering that the lesser part of me, which is the body, would abide in thee: and the best, to wit, that which is the soule, and by which our name continues blessed amongst men, would be degenerate and abastardised: This I do not speak out of any distrust that I have of thy vertue, which I have heretofore already tried, but to encourage thee yet more earnestly to proceed from good to better: and that which I now write unto thee, is not so much that thou shouldest live in this ver∣tuous course, as that thou shouldest rejoyce in so living and having lived, and cheer up thy self with the like resolution in time to come; to the prosecution and accomplish∣ment of which enterprise and generous un∣dertaking

thou mayest easily remember how that I have spared nothing, but have so help∣ed thee, as if I had had no other treasure in this world, but to see thee once in my life, compleatly well bred and accomplished, as well in vertue, honesty and valour, as in all liberal knowledge and civility: and so to leave thee after my death, as a mirrour, re∣presenting the person of me thy father, and if not so excellent, and such indeed as I do wish thee, yet such in my desire.

But although my deceased father of happy memory Grangousier, had bent his best endea∣vours to make me profit in all perfection and Political knowledge, and that my labour and study was fully correspondent to, yea, went beyond his desire: neverthelesse, as thou mayest well understand, the time then was not so proper and fit for learning as it is at present, neither had I plenty of such good Masters as thou hast had; for that time was dark some, obscured with clouds of ignorance, and savouring a little of the infelicity and ca∣lamity of the Gothes, who had, whereever they set footing, destroyed all good literature, which in my age hath by the divine good∣nesse been restored unto its former light and dignity, and that with such amendment and increase of the knowledge, that now hardly should I be admitted unto the first forme of the little Grammar-school-boyes:

I say, I, who in my youthful dayes was, (and that justly) reputed the most learned of that age; which I do not speak in vain boasting, although I might lawfully do it in writing unto thee, in verification whereof thou hast the authority of Marcus Tullius in his book of old age, and the sentence of Plutarch, in the book intituled how a man may praise himself without envie: but to give thee an emulous encouragement to strive yet further.

Now is it that the mindes of men are qua∣lified with all manner of discipline, and the old sciences revived, which for many ages were extinct: now it is, that the learned lan∣guages are to their pristine purity restored, viz. Greek, (without which a man may be ashamed to account himself a scholar,) He∣brew, Arabick, Chaldaean and Latine. Print∣ing likewise is now in use, so elegant, and so correct, that better cannot be imagined, al∣though it was found out but in my time by divine inspiration, as by a diabolical suggesti∣on on the other side was the invention of Ordnance. All the world is full of knowing men, of most learned Schoolmasters, and vast Libraries: and it appears to me as a truth, that neither in Plato's time, nor Cicero's, nor Papinian's, there was ever such conveniency for studying, as we see at this day there is: nor must any adventure henceforward to come in publick, or present himself in com∣pany,

that hath not been pretty well polished in the shop of Minerva: I see robbers, hang∣men, free-booters, tapsters, ostlers, and such like, of the very rubbish of the people, more learned now, then the Doctors and Preachers were in my time,

What shall I say? the very women and children have aspired to this praise and cele∣stial Manna of good learning: yet so it is, that in the age I am now of, I have been con∣strained to learn the Greek tongue, which I contemned not like Cato, but had not the lea∣sure in my younger yeares to attend the stu∣dy of it: and take much delight in the read∣ing of Plutarchs Morals, the pleasant Dia∣logues of Plato, the Monuments of Pau∣sanias, and the Antiquities of Athenaeus, in waiting on the houre wherein God my Cre∣ator shall call me, and command me to depart from this earth and transitory pilgrimage. Wherefore (my sonne) I admonish thee, to imploy thy youth to profit as well as thou canst, both in thy studies and in vertue. Thou art at Paris, where the laudable ex∣amples of many brave men may stirre up thy minde to gallant actions, and hast like∣wise for thy Tutor and Paedagogue the learn∣ed Epistemon, who by his lively and vocal do∣cuments may instruct thee in the Arts and Sciences.

I intend, and will have it so, that thou learn

the Languages perfectly: first of all, the Greek, as Quintilian will have it: secondly, the Latine; and then the Hebrew, for the holy Scripture-sake: and then the Chaldee and A∣rabick likewise, and that thou frame thy stilein Greek in imitation of Plato; and for the Latine, after Cicero, let there be no history which thou shalt not have ready in thy memory; unto the prosecuting of which designe, books of Cosmographie will be very conducible, and help thee much. Of the liberal Arts of Geo∣metry, Arithmetick and Musick, I gave thee some taste when thou wert yet little, and not above five or six yeares old; proceed further in them, & learn the remainder if thou canst. As for Astronomy, study all the rules thereof, let passe neverthelesse the divining and judicial Astrology, and the Art of Lullius, as being nothing else but plain abuses and vanities. As for the Civil Law, of that I would have thee to know the texts by heart, and then to conferre them with Philosophie.

Now in matter of the knowledge of the works of Nature, I would have thee to stu∣dy that exactly, and that so there be no sea, river nor fountain, of which thou doest not know the fishes, all the fowles of the aire, all the several kindes of shrubs and trees, whe∣ther in forrests or orchards: all the sorts of herbes and flowers that grow upon the ground: all the various mettals that are hid

within the bowels of the earth: together with all the diversity of precious stones, that are to be seen in the Orient & South-parts of the world, let nothing of all these be hidden from thee. Then faile not most carefully to peruse the books of the Greek, Arabian and Latine Physicians, not despising the Talmu∣dists and Cabalists; and by frequent Ana∣tomies get thee the perfect knowledge of the other world, called the Microcosme, which is man: and at some houres of the day apply thy minde to the study of the holy Scriptures: first in Greek, the New Testament with the Epistles of the Apostles; and then the Old Testament in Hebrew In brief, let me see thee an Abysse, and bottomlesse pit of know∣ledge: for from hence forward, as thou grow∣est great and becomest a man, thou must part from this tranquillity and rest of study, thou must learn chivalrie, warfare, and the exer∣cises of the field, the better thereby to de∣fend my house and our friends, and to suc∣cour and protect them at all their needs a∣gainst the invasion and assaults of evil doers.

Furthermore, I will that very shortly thou try how much thou hast profited, which thou canst not better do, then by maintaining pub∣lickly Theses and Conclusions in all Arts, a∣gainst all persons whatsoever, and by haunt∣ing the company of learned men, both at Pa∣ris and otherwhere. But because as the wise

man Solomon saith, Wisdome entereth not into a malicious minde; and that knowledge with∣out conscience is but the ruine of the soule, it behooveth thee to serve, to love, to feare God, and on him to cast all thy thoughts and all thy hope, and by faith formed in charity to cleave unto him, so that thou mayest ne∣ver be separated from him by thy sins. Su∣spect the abuses of the world: set not thy heart upon vanity; for this life is transitory, but the Word of the Lord endureth for ever. Be serviceable to all thy neighbours, and love them as thy self: reverence thy Praece∣ptors: shun the conversation of those whom thou desirest not to resemble, and receive not in vaine the graces which God hath bestowed upon thee: and when thou shalt see that thou hast attained to all the knowledge that is to be acquired in that part, return unto me, that I may see thee, and give thee my blessing before I die, My sonne, the peace and grace of our Lord be with thee. Amen.

From Ʋtopia the 17. day of the moneth of March.

Thy father Gargantua.

These letters being received and read, Pantagruel pluck't up his heart, took a fresh courage to him, and was inflamed with a de∣sire

to profit in his studies more then ever, so that if you had seen him, how he took paines, and how he advanced in learning, you would have said that the vivacity of his spi∣rit amidst the books, was like a great fire a∣mongst dry wood, so active it was, vigorous and indefatigable.

CHAP. IX. How Pantagruel found Panurge, whom he lo∣ved all his life-time.

ONe day as Pantagruel was taking a walk without the City, towards St. Antonies Abbey, discoursing and philosophating with his own servants and some other Scholars, met with a young man of a very comely sta∣ture, and surpassing handsome in all the linea∣ments of his body, but in several parts there∣of most pitifully wounded; in such bad equi∣page in matter of his apparel, which was but totters and rags, and every way so far out of order, that he seemed to have been a fight∣ing with mastiffe-dogs, from whose fury he had made an escape, or to say better, he look∣ed in the condition wherein he then was, like an Apple-gatherer of the countrey of Perche.

As farre off as Pantagruel saw him, he said to those that stood by:. Do you see that man there, who is a coming hither upon the road from Charanton-bridge? by my faith, he is only poor in fortune; for I may assure you, that by his Physiognomie it appeareth, that na∣ture hath extracted him from some rich and noblerace, and that too much curiosity hath thrown him upon adventures, which possibly have reduced him to this indigence, want and penurie. Now as he was just amongst them, Pantagruel said unto him, Let me intreat you, (friend) that you may be pleased to stop here a little, and answer me to that which I shall ask you, and I am confident you will not think your time ill bestowed; for I have an extream desire, (according to my ability) to give you some supply in this distresse, where∣in I see you are; because I do very much commiserate your case, which truly moves me to great pity; Therefore (my friend) tell me, who you are? whence you come? whither you go? what you desire? and what your name is? the companion answered him in the Dutch tongue, thus.

Yunker gott geb euch gluck und heil; surwar lieber yunker, ich las euch wissen das dar mich wungraft, ist ein arm und erbamlich ding, und wer wol darvon Zusagen welches euch verdrus∣flich Zuceten, und mer Zuerzelen wer, wiewol die Poeten und Oratores vortzeiten habengesagt

in item sprichen: und sentenzen das die gedeckt∣nus des ellendzund armut vortangs erlitten, ist ein grosser lust. My friend (said Pantagruel,) I have no skill in that gibberish of yours; therefore, if you would have us to under∣stand you, speak to us in some other lan∣guage; then did the drole answer him thus.

Albarildim gotfano dechmin brin alabo dor∣dio falbroth ringuam albaras; nin porthzadi∣kin almucatin milko prin alelmin en thoth dal∣heben enfuim: kuthim alidum alkaim nimbroth deehoth porth min michais im endoch, pruch dal maisulum hol moth dansrihim lupaldas im vol∣democh. Nim hur diavoth mnarbotim dal gousch palfrapin duch imscoth pruch galeth dal chinon min foulchrich al conin buthathen doth dal prim. Do you understand none of this, said Pantagruel to the company? I beleeve (said Epistemon,) that this is the language of the Antipodes, and such a hard one that the devil himself knowes not what to make of it. Then, said Pantagruel, Gossip, I know not if the walls do comprehend the meaning of your words, but none of us here doth so much as understand one syllable of them; then said my blade again.

Signor mio voi vedete per essempio che la cornemusa non suona mai, se non ha il ventre pi∣eno: cosi io parimente non vi so contare le mie fortune, se prima il tribulato ventre non ha la

solita refectione: alquale è adviso che le mani e li denti abbi perso il loro ordine naturale, e del tutto annichilati. To which Epistemon answered as much of the one as of the other, and nothing of either. Then said Panurge.

Lard gestholb besuavirtuisbe intelligence: ass yi body scalbisbe natural reloth cholb suld osme pety have; for natur hass visse equaly maide bot fortune sum exaiti hesse andoyis de∣previt: non yeless viviss mou virtiuss deprevit and virtuiss men decreviss for anen ye ladeniss non quid. Yet lesse said Pantagruel; then said my jollie Panurge.

Jonaandie gaussa goussy etan beharda er re∣medio beharde ver sela ysser landa. Aubar es o∣toy yes nausu ey nessassu gourray proposiam ordine. den. Non yssena bayte facheria egabe gen her assy badea sadassu noura assia: Aram hon davan gualde cydassu nydassuna estou oussye ecvinausou∣ry hin cr darstur a eguy harm: Genicoa plasar va∣du. Are you there (said Eudemon?) Genicoa, to this (said Carpalin) St. Trinian's rammer unstirch your bum, for I had almost under∣stood it. Then answered Panourge.

Prugfrest frinst sorgdmand strochdi dthds pag breleland gravot chavygni pomardiere rusth pkalldracg devinier a pras. Nays: beville bal∣much monach drupp del meupplist rinc{que}, drind dodelp up drent lochmine stzincq jald de vins ders cordelis bur jocst stzampenards. Do you speak Christian (said Epistemon) or the Buffoon

language, otherwise called patclinots? Nay, it is the puzlatory tongue (said another) which some call Lanternois. Then said Pa∣nurge.

Her reje sprexe andeers gheen taele dan ker∣sten taele my dunct nochoans, al en seg je met een ubord, myven noot velaert glenouch bbat re beglere gheest my unyt bet mhet richeyt yet waer unje ghevoet mach zunch: To which answer∣ed Pantagruel, as much of that: then said Pa∣nurge.

Sennor de tanto hablar yo soy cansado, porque supplico avuestra excellencia que mire alos pre∣cettos Evangelicos, para que ellos muevan vu∣estra excellencia a lo que es de consciencia, ysi∣ellos no bastaren paramo ver vuesa excellencia apiedad, supplico que mire a la piedad natural, laqual yo creoque le mova, como es de razon, y concesso, no digo mas? Truly (my friend) I doubt not but you can speak divers lan∣guages, but tell us that which you would have us to do for you in some tongue, which you conceive we may understand? then said the companion.

Myn her, reendog ieg met ingen tunge talede; lyge som boeen, oeg usk wlig creatuer: mine clee bon och my me legioms mager heb xv duy∣fer alliguck lalig hwad tyng mog meest behoff riteres, somaer sandeligh mad och dryck: hwar for forbar me regom lyder offuer megoch besael argyffua meg nogeth off haylketieg kad styre

myne groeendes mach lygeruss son mand Cer∣bero en Souppesor setihr: soa•• schalfue loeffue lenge oekyk salitgth: I think really (said Eust∣henes) that the Gothes spoke thus of old: and that, if it pleased God, we would all of us speak so with our tailes. Then again said Pa∣nurge.

Adon seolom lechai in ischar harob hal heb∣deca bimeherch thitbé li kikar lehem: chau∣char ublaah aldonaicho néral: To which an∣swered Epistemon, at this time have I under∣stood him very well; for it is the Hebrew tongue most Rhetorically pronounced: Then again said the Gallant.

Despotatin yn panagathe, dorrisy mi ve ar∣todotis, horasgar limo analiscomenon eme ath∣lios, ee ento metalieme ve eleis udamos, getis de par emu ha vehre ce homos philology pandes homologositote logus te ce rehemetta petitta hyr∣pachin opote pragma asto pafi delon esti. Eusta garnancei monon logusin hina pragmata (hem peri emphibetumen) me prophoros epiphenete: What? (said Càrpalim) Pantagruels footman, it is Greek, I have understood him: and how? hast thou dwelt any while in Greece? Then said the drole again.

Agonou dont oussys vous desdaignez algarou: nou denfaron zamist vous mariston ulbrou, fousquez voubrol tam bredaguez maupreton den goulhoust daguez daguez non croupys fost bardonnoffist nougrou: agou paston tol nal∣brol

prissys houriou los echatonous, prou dehouguys brol pany gouden bascrou noudous caguons gout∣f••e goul oustatouppassou? Me thinks I under∣stand him (said Pantagruel) for either it is the language of my countrey of Utopia, or sounds very like it: and as he was about to have begun some purpose, the companion said,

Jam toties vos per sacra, perque deos deásque omnes obtestatus sum, ut si quae vos pietas per∣movet, egestatem meam solaremini nec hilum proficio clamans & ejulans: sinite, quaeso, si∣nite, viri impii, quò me fata vocant abite: nec ultrà vanis vestris interpellationibus obtunda∣tis, memores veteris illius adagii, quo venter famelious auriculis carere dicitur. Well, my friend, (said Pantagruel) but cannot you speak French? that I can do (Sir) very well, (said the companion) God be thanked: it is my natural language and mother-tongue: for I was borne and bred in my younger yeares in the garden of France, to wit, Tou∣raine: Then (said Pantagruel) tell us what is your name, and from whence you are come; fot by my faith, I have already stamped in my minde such a deep impression of love to∣wards you, that if you will condescend unto my will, you shall not depart out of my com∣pany, and you and I shall make up another couple of friends, such as Aeneas and Achates were; Sir, (said the companion) my true and

proper christen name is Panurge, and now I come out of Turkie, to which countrey I was carried away prisoner at that time, when they went to Metelin with a mischief: and wil∣lingly would I relate unto you my fortunes, which are more wonderful then those of U∣lysses were: but seeing that it pleaseth you to retain me with you, I most heartily accept of the offer, protesting never to leave you, should you go to all the devils in hell; we shall have therefore more leasure at another time, and a fitter opportunity wherein to re∣port them; for at this present I am in a very urgent necessity to feed, my teeth are sharp, my belly empty, my throat dry, and my sto∣mack fierce and burning: all is ready, if you will but set me to work, it will be as good as a balsamum for sore eyes, to see me gulch and raven it, for Gods sake give order for it. Then Pantagruel commanded that they should carry him home, and provide him good store of victuals, which being done, he ate very well that evening, and (capon-like) went early to bed, then slept until din∣ner-time the next day, so that he made but three steps and one leap from the bed to the board.

CHAP. X. How Pantagruel judged so equitably of a Contro∣versie, which was wonderfully obscure and difficult: that by reason of his just de∣cree therein, he was reputed to have a most admirable judgement.

PAntagruel, very well remembring his fathers letter and admonitions, would one day make trial of his knowledge. There∣upon in all the Carrefours, that is, throughout all the foure quarters, streets and corners of the City, he set up Conclusions to the num∣ber of nine thousand seven hundred sixty and foure, in all manner of learning, touching in them the hardest doubts that are in any sci∣ence. And first of all, in the fodder-street he held dispute against all the Regents or Fel∣lowes of Colledges, Artists or Masters of Arts, and Oratours, and did so gallantly, that he overthrew them, and set them all upon their tailes, he went afterwards to the Sor∣bone, where he maintained argument against all the Theologians or Divines, for the space of six weeks, from foure a clock in the morn∣ing, until six in the evening, except an inter∣val of two houres to refresh themselves, and

take their repast: and at this were present the greatest part of the Lords of the Court, the Masters of Requests, Presidents, Counsel∣lors, those of the Accompts, Secretaries, Ad∣vocates and others: as also the Sheriffes of the said town, with the Physicians and Pro∣fessors of the canon-law; amongst which it is to be remarked, that the greatest part were stubborn jades, and in their opinions obstinate; but he took such course with them, that for all their Ergo's and fallacies, he put their backs to the wall, gravelled them in the deepest questions, and made it visibly appear to the world, that compared to him, they were but monkies, and a knot of mufled calves: Whereupon, every body began to keep a bustling noise, and talk of his so mar∣vellous knowledge, through all degrees of persons in both sexes, even to the very Laun∣dresses, Brokers, Rostmeat-sellers, Penknife-makers and others, who, when he past along in the street, would say, This is he; in which he took delight, as Demosthenes, the Prince of Greek Oratours did, when an old crouch∣ing wife, pointing at him with her fingers, said, That is the man.

Now at this same very time there was a processe or suit in law, depending in Court between two great Lords, of which one was called my Lord Kissebreech, Plaintiffe of one side, and the other my Lord Suckfist, De∣fendant

of the other; whose Controversie was so high and difficult in Law, that the Court of Parliament could make nothing of it. And therefore by the Command∣ment of the King, there were assembled foure of the greatest, and most learned of all the Par∣liaments of France, together with the great Councel, and all the principal Regents of the Universities, not only of France, but of Eng∣land also and Italy, such as Jason, Philippus-Decius, Petrus de Petronibus, and a rabble of other old Rabbinists: who being thus met together, after they had thereupon consult∣ed for the space of six and fourty weeks, finding that they could not fasten their teeth in it, nor with such clearnesse understand the case, as that they might in any manner of way be able to right it, or take up the differ∣ence berwixt the two aforesaid Parties, it did so grievously vex them, that they most vil∣lanously conshit themselves for shame. In this great extremity, one amongst them na∣med Du Douhait, the learnedst of all, and more expert and prudent then any of the rest, whilest one day they were thus at their wits end, all-to-be-dunced and philogrobo∣lized in their braines, said unto them: We have been here (my Masters,) a good long space without doing any thingelse, then trifle away both our time and money, and can ne∣verthelesse finde neither brim nor bottome in

this matter; for the more we study about it, the lesse we understand therein, which is a great shame and disgrace to us, and a heavy burthen to our consciences; yea such, that in my opinion we shall not rid our selves of it without dishonour, unlesse we take some other course; for we do nothing but doat in our consultations.

See therefore what I have thought upon: you have heard much talking of that worthy personage named Master Pantagruel, who hath been found to be learned above the ca∣pacity of this present age, by the proofs he gave in those great disputations, which he held publickly against all men: my opinion is, that we send for him, to conferre with him about this businesse; for never any man will encompasse the bringing of it to an end, if he do it not.

Hereunto all the Counsellors and Doctors willingly agreed, and according to that their result having instantly sent for him, they in∣treated him to be pleased to canvass the pro∣cesse, and sift it throughly, that after a deep search and narrow examination of all the points thereof, he might forthwith make the report unto them, such as he shall think good in true and legal knowledge: to this effect they delivered into his hands the bags where∣in were the Writs and Pancarts concerning that suit, which for bulk and weight were

almost enough to lade foure great couillard or stoned Asses; but Pantagruel said unto them, Are the two Lords, between whom this debate and processe is, yet living? it was answered him, Yes: To what a devil then (said he,) serve so many paultry heapes, and bundles of papers and copies which you give me? is it not better to heare their Con∣troversie from their own mouthes, whilest they are face to face before us, then to reade these vile fopperies, which are nothing but trumperies, deceits, diabolical cosenages of Cepola, pernicious slights and subversions of equity? for I am sure, that you, and all those thorough whose hands this processe hath past, have by your devices added what you could to it pro & contra, in such sort, that although their difference perhaps was clear and easie enough to determine at first, you have obscured it, and made it more intricate, by the frivolous, sot∣tish, unreasonable and foolish reasons, and opi∣nions of Accursius, Baldus, Bartolus, de castro, de imola, Hippolytus, Panormo, Bertachin, A∣lexander, Curtius, and those other old Ma∣stiffs, who never understood the least law of the Pandects, they being but meer block∣heads & great tithe-calvs, ignorant of all that which was needful for the understanding of the lawes; for (as it is most certain) they had not the knowledge either of the Greek or La∣tine tongue, but only of the Gothick and Bar∣barian;

the lawes neverthelesse were first taken from the Greeks, according to the testi∣mony of Ulpian. l. poster. de origine juris, which we likewise may perceive by that all the lawes are full of Greek words and senten∣ces: and then we finde that they are reduced into a Latine stile, the most elegant and or∣nate, that whole language is able to afford, without excepting that of any that ever wrote therein; nay, not of Salust, Varo, Ci∣cero, Seneca, Titus Livius, nor Quintilian: how then could these old dotards be able to understand aright the text of the lawes, who never in their time had looked upon a good Latine book, as doth evidently, enough ap∣pear by the rudenesse of their stile, which is fitter for a Chimney-sweeper, or for a Cook or a Scullion, then for a Jurisconsult and Do∣ctor in the Lawes.

Furthermore, seeing the Lawes are ex∣cerpted out of the middle of moral and natu∣ral Philosophie, how should these fooles have understood it, that have by G—studied lesse in Philosophie then my Mule? in respect of humane learning, and the knowledge of An∣tiquities and History, they were truly laden with those faculties as a toad is with fea∣thers: and yet of all this the Lawes are so full, that without it they cannot be under∣stood, as I intend more fully to shew unto you in a peculiar Treatise, which on that pur∣pose

I am about to publish. Therefore if you will that I take any medling in this pro∣cesse; first, cause all these papers to be burnt: secondly, make the two Gentlemen come personally before me; and afterwards, when I shall have heard them, I will tell you my opinion freely without any feignednes or dis∣simulation whatsoever.

Some amongst them did contradict this motion, as you know that in all companies there are more fooles then wise men, and that the greater part alwayes surmounts the bet∣ter, as saith Titus Livius, in speaking of the Carthaginians: but the foresaid Du Douet held the contrary opinion, maintaining that Pantagruel had said well, and what was right, in affirming that these records, bills of in∣quest, replies, rejoinders, exceptions, depo∣sitions, and other such diableries of truth-in∣tangling Writs, were but Engines where∣with to overthrow justice, and unnecessarily to prolong such suits as did depend before them; and that therefore the devil would car∣ry them all away to hell, if they did not take another course, and proceeded not in times coming according to the Prescripts of Evan∣gelical and Philosophical equity. In fine, all the papers were burnt, and the two Gentle∣men summoned and personally convented; at whose appearance before the Court, Pan∣tagruel said unto them, Are you they that

have this great difference betwixt you? Yes, (my Lord) said they: Which of you (said Pantagruel,) is the Plaintiffe? It is I, said my Lord Kissebreech: Go to then, my friend, (said he) and relate your matter unto me from point to point, according to the real truth, or else (by cocks body) if I finde you to lie so much as in one word, I will make you shorter by the head, and take it from off your shoul∣ders, to shew others by your example, that in justice and judgement men ought to speak nothing but the truth; theresore take heed you do not adde nor impare any thing in the Narration of your case. Begin.

CHAP. XI. How the Lords of Kissebreech and Suckfist did plead before Pantagruel without an Atturney.

THen began Kissebreech in manner as followeth; My Lord, it is true, that a good woman of my house, carried egges to the market to sell: Be covered, Kissebreech, said Pantagruel: Thanks to you, my Lord, said the Lord Kissebreech; but to the purpose, there passed betwixt the two tropicks, the summe of three pence towards the zenith,

and a halfpeny, forasmuch as the Riphaean mountaines had been that yeare opprest with a great sterility of counterfeit gudgions, and shewes without substance, by meanes of the babling tattle, and fond fibs, seditiously rai∣sed between the gibblegablers, and Accursian gibberish-mongers, for the rebellion of the Swissers, who had assembled themselves to the full number of the bum-bees, and myrmi∣dons, to go a handsel-getting on the first day of the new yeare, at that very time when they give brewis to the oxen, and deliver the key of the coales to the Countrey-girles, for serving in of the oates to the dogs. All the night long they did nothing else (keep∣ing their hands still upon the pot) but dis∣patch both on foot and horseback, leaden-sealed Writs or letters, (to wit, Papal Com∣missions commonly called Bulls,) to stop the boats: for the Tailors and Seamsters would have made of the stollen shreds and clippings a goodly sagbut to cover the face of the O∣cean, which then was great with childe of a potfull of cabbidge, according to the opini∣on of the hay-bundle-makers: but the Phy∣sicians said, that by the Urine they could dis∣cern no manifest signe of the Bustards pace, nor how to eat double-tongued mattocks with mustard, unlesse the Lords and Gentle∣men of the Court should be pleased to give by B. mol expresse command to the pox, not

to run about any longer, in gleaning up of Coppersmiths and Tinkers; for the Jober∣nolls had already a pretty good beginning in their dance of the Brittish gig, called the e∣strindore, to a perfect diapason, with one foot in the fire, and their head in the middle, as good man Ragot was wont to say.

Ha (my Masters,) God moderates all things, and disposeth of them at his pleasure, so that against unluckie fortune a Carter broke his frisking whip, which was all the winde-instrument he had: this was done at his return from the little paultry town, even then when Master Amitus of Cresseplots was licentiated, and had past his degrees in all dullerie and blockishnesse, according to this sentence of the Canonists, Beati Dunces, quo∣niam ipsi stumblaverunt. But that which makes lent to be so high, by St. Fiacre of Bry, is for nothing else, but that the Pentecost never comes, but to my cost; yet on afore there hoe, a little rain stills a great winde, and we must think so, seeing that the Serjeant hath propounded the matter so farre above my reach, that the Clerks and Secondaries could not with the benefit thereof lick their fingers feathered with gaunders, so orbicu∣larly, as they were wont in other things to do. And we do manifestly see, that every one acknowledgeth himself to be in the errour, wherewith another hath been charged, re∣serving

only those cases whereby we are ob∣liged to take an ocular inspection in a perspe∣ctive glasse of these things, towards the place in the Chimney, where hangeth the signe of the wine of fourty girths; which have been al∣wayes accounted very necessary for the num∣ber of twenty pannels and pack-saddles of the bankrupt Protectionaries of five yeares respit; howsoever at least he that would not let flie the fowle before the Cheesecakes, ought in law to have discovered his reason why not, for the memory is often lost with a wayward shooing: Well, God keep Theo∣bald Mit ain from all danger. Then said Pan∣tagruel, Hold there: Ho, my friend, soft and faire, speak at leisure, and soberly without putting your self in choler; I understand the case, go on. Now then (my Lord) said Kisse∣breech, the foresaid goodwoman, saying her gaudez and audinos, could not cover her selfe with a treacherous backblow, ascending by the wounds and passions of the priviledges of the Universitie: unlesse by the vertue of a warming-pan she had Angelically fomented every part of her body, in covering them with a hedge of garden-beds: then giving in a swift unavoidable thirst very near to the place where they sell the old rags, whereof the Painters of Flanders make greatuse, when they are about neatly to clap on shoes on grashop∣pers, locusts, cigals, and such like flie-fowles,

so strange to us, that I am wonderfully asto∣nished why the world doth not lay, seeing it is so good to hatch.

Here the Lord of Suckfist would have in∣terrupted him and spoken somewhat, where∣upon Pantagruel said unto him, St, by St. Anto∣nies belly, doth it become thee to speak with∣out command? I sweat here with the extre∣mity of labour and exceeding toile I take to understand the proceeding of your mu∣tual difference, and yet thou comest to trouble and disquiet me: peace, in the devils name, peace, thou shalt be permitted to speak thy belly full, when this man hath done, and no sooner Go on, (said he) to Kissebreech, speak calmly, and do not over-heat your self with too much haste.

I perceiving then (said Kissebreech) that the praginatical sanction did make no menti∣on of it, and that the holy Pope to every one gave liberty to fart at his own ease, if that the blankets had no streaks, wherein the liars were to be crossed with a ruffian-like crue: & the rain-bow being newly sharpned at Milan to bring forth larks, gave his full consent that the good woman should tread down the heel of the hipgut-pangs, by vertue of a solemn protestation put in by the little testiculated or codsted fishes, which to tell the truth, were at that time very necessary for understand∣ing the syntax and construction of old boots.

Therefore Iohn Calfe her Cosen gervais once removed with a log from the woodstack, ve∣ry seriously advised her not to put her selfe into the hazard of quagswagging in the Lee, to be scowred with a buck of linnen clothes, till first she had kindled the paper: this coun∣sel she laid hold on, because he desired her to take nothing, and throw out, for Non de ponte vadit, qui cum sapientia cadit: matters thus standing, seeing the Masters of the chamber of Accompts, or members of that Com∣mittee, did not fully agree amongst them∣selves in casting up the number of the Al∣manie whistles, whereof were framed those spectacles for Princes, which have been late∣ly printed at Antwerp: I must needs think that it makes a bad return of the Writ; and that the adverse Party is not to be beleeved, in sacer verbo dotis; for that having a great de∣sire to obey the pleasure of the King, I arm∣ed my self from toe to top with belly furni∣ture, of the soles of good venison-pasties, to go see how my grape-gatherers and vinta∣gers had pinked and cut full of small holes their high coped-caps, to lecher it the better, and play at in and in. And indeed the time was very dangerous in coming from the Faire, in so farre that many trained bowe-men were cast at the muster, and quite rejected, al∣though the chimney-tops were high enough, according to the proportion of the wind∣galls

in the legs of horses, or of the Malaun∣ders, which in the esteem of expert Farriers is no better disease, or else the story of Ro∣nypatifam, or Lamibaudichon, interpreted by some to be the tale of a tub, or of a roasted horse, savours of Apocrypha, and is not an authentick history; and by this means there was that yeare great abundance throughout all the countrey of Artois, of tawny buzzing beetles, to the no small profit of the Gentle∣men-great-stick-faggot-carriers, when they did eate without disdaining the cocklicranes, till their belly was like to crack with it again: as for my own part, such is my Christian cha∣rity towards my neighbours, that I could wish from my heart every one had as good a voice, it would make us play the better at the tennis and the baloon. And truly (my Lord) to expresse the real truth without dissimu∣lation, I cannot but say that those petty sub∣tile devices, which are found out in the Ety∣mologizing of patains, would descend more easily into the river of Seine, to serve for e∣ver at the Millars bridge upon the said water, as it was heretofore decreed by the King of the Canarrians, according to the sentence or judgement given thereupon, which is to be seen in the Registry and Records within the Clerks office of this house.

And therefore (my Lord) I do most hum∣bly require, that by your Lordship there may

be said and declared upon the case what is reasonable, with costs, damages, and inte∣rests. Then said Pantagruel, My friend, is this all you have to say? Kissebreech answer∣ed, Yes, (my Lord) for I have told all the tu∣autem, and have not varied at all upon mine honour in so much as one single word. You then, (said Pantagruel) my Lord of Suckfist, say what you will, and be brief, without omit∣ting neverthelesse any thing that may serve to the purpose.

CHAP. XII. How the Lord of Suckfist pleaded before Pantagruel.

THen began the Lord Suckfist in manner as followeth: My Lord, and you my masters, if the iniquity of men were as easily seene in categoricall judgement, as we can discerne flies in a milk-pot; the worlds four Oxen had not beene so eaten up with Rats, nor had so many eares upon the earth beene nibled away so scurvily; for although all that my aduersary hath spoken be of a very soft and downy truth, in so much as concernes the Letter and History of the factum: yet neverthelesse the crafty slights, cunning sub∣tilties,

slie cosenages, and little troubling in∣tanglements are hid under the Rose-pot, the common cloak and cover of all fraudulent deceits

Should I endure, that, when I am eating my pottage equall with the best, and that without either thinking or speaking any man∣ner of ill, they rudely come to vexe, trouble, and perplex my braines with that antick Pro∣verb which saith,

Who in his pottage-eating drink••, will not When he is dead and buri'd, see one jot.

and good Lady, how many great Captaines have we seen in the day of battel, when in open field the Sacrament was distributed in lunchions of the sanctified bread of the Con∣fraternity, the more honestly to nod their heads, play on the lute, and crack with their tailes, to make pretty little platforme leaps, in keeping level by the ground: but now the world is unshackled from the corners of the packs of Leycester. One flies out lewdly and becomes debauch't, another likewise five, four and two, and that at such randome, that if the Court take not some course therein, it will make as bad a season in matter of glean∣ing this yeare, as ever it made, or it will make goblets. If any poor creature go to the stoves to illuminate his muzzle with a

Cow-shard, or to buy winter-boots, and that the Serjeants passing by, or those of the watch happen to receive the decoction of a clystere, or the fecal matter of a close-stool, upon their rustling-wrangling-clutter-keep∣ing masterships, should any because of that make bold to clip the shillings and testers, and fry the wooden dishes? sometimes when we think one thing, God does another; and and when the Sunne is wholly set, all beasts are in the shade: let me never be be∣leeved again, if I do not gallantly prove it by several people that have seen the light of the day.

In the yeare thirty and six, buying a Dutch curtail, which was a middle sized horse, both high and short, of a wool good e∣nough, and died in graine, as the Gold∣smiths assured me, although the Notarie put an &c. in it; I told really, that I was not a Clerk of so much learning as to snatch at the Moon with my teeth; but as for the Butter∣firkin, where Vulcanian deeds and eviden∣ces were sealed, the rumour was, and the re∣port thereof went currant, that salt-beefe will make one finde the way to the wine without a candle, though it were hid in the bottom of a Colliers sack, and that with his drawers on he were mounted on a barbed horse furnished with a fronstal, and such armes, thighs and leg-pieces as are requisite

for the well frying and broyling of a swag∣gering sawcinesse. Here is a sheeps head, and it is well they make a proverb of this, that it is good to see black Cowes in burnt wood, when one attains to the enjoyment of his love. I had a consultation upon this point with my Masters the Clerks, who for resolution concluded in frisesomorum, that there is nothing like to mowing in the sum∣mer, and sweeping clean away in water, well garnished with paper, ink, pens and penknives of Lyons upon the river of Rosne; dolopym do∣lopof, tarabin tarabas, tut prut pish: for incon∣tinently after that armour begins to smell of garlick, the rust will go near to eat the liver, not of him that weares it, and then do they nothing else but withstand others courses, and wry-neckedly set up their bristles 'gainst one another, in lightly passing over their after∣noons sleep, and this is that which maketh salt so dear. My Lords, beleeve not, when the said good woman had with bird-lime, caught the shovelar fowle, the better before a Serjeants witnesse, to deliver the younger sons portion to him, that the sheeps pluck, or hogs haslet, did dodge and shrink back in the Usurers purses, or that there could be a∣ny thing better to preserve one from the Cannibals, then to take a rope of onions, knit with three hundred turneps, and a little of a Calves Chaldern of the best allay that

the Alchymists have: provided, that they daub and do over with clay, as also calcinate and burne to dust these pantoffles, muf in muf out; Mouflin mouflard, with the fine sauce of the juice of the rabble rout, whilest they hide themselves in some petty moldwarp∣hole, saving alwayes the little slices of bacon. Now if the dice will not favour you with a∣ny other throw but ambesace, and the chance of three at the great end, mark well the ace, then take me your dame, settle her in a cor∣ner of the bed, and whisk me her up drille-trille there there, tourelouralala, which when you have done, take a hearty draught of the best, despicando grenovillibus, in despight of the frogs; whose faire course bebuskined stockins shall be set apart for the little green geese, or mued goslings, which fatned in a coope, take delight to sport themselves at the wagtaile game, waiting for the beating of the mettal, and heating of the waxe by the sla∣vering drivellers of consolation.

Very true it is, that the foure oxen which are in debate, and whereof mention was made, were somewhat short in memory: neverthelesse, to understand the gamme a∣right, they feared neither the Cormorant nor Mallard of Savoy, which put the good peo∣ple of my countrey in great hope, that their children sometime should become very skil∣ful in Algorisme; therefore is it, that by a

law rubrick and special sentence thereof, that we cannot faile to take the wolfe, if we make our hedges higher then the wind-mill, where∣of somewhat was spoken by the Plaintiffe. But the great Devil did envie it, and by that means put the high Dutches farre behinde, who played the devils in swilling down and tipling at the good liquour, trink meen herr, trink, trink, by two of my table men in the corner-point I have gained the lurch; for it is not probable, nor is there any appearance of truth in this saying, that at Paris upon a little bridge the hen is proportionable: and were they as copped and high-crested as ma∣rish whoops, if veritably they did not sacrifice the Printers pumpet-balls at Moreb, with a new edge set upon them by text letters, or those of a swift-writing hand, it is all one to me, so that the head-band of the book breed not moths or wormes in it. And put the case, that at the coupling together of the buck-hounds, the little puppies should have wax∣ed proud before the Notarie could have given an account of the serving of his Writ by the Cabalistick Art, it will necessarily follow (un∣der correction of the better judgement of the Court,) that six acres of medow ground of the greatest breadth, will make three butts of fine ink, without paying ready money: considering that at the Funeral of King Charles, we might have had the fathom in

open market for one and two, that is deuce ace: this I may affirm with a safe conscience upon my oath of wooll.

And I see ordinarily in all good bagpipes, that when they go to the counterfeiting of the chirping of small birds, by swinging a broom three times about a chimney, and putting his name upon record, they do nothing but bend a Crossebowe backward, and winde a horne, if perhaps it be too hot, and that by making it fast to a rope he was to draw, im∣mediately after the sight of the letters, the Cowes were restored to him. Such another sentence after the homeliest manner was pro∣nounced in the seventeenth yeare, because of the bad government of Louzefougarouse, whereunto it may please the Court to have regard. I desire to be rightly understood; for truly I say not, but that in all equity, and with an upright conscience, those may very well be dispossest, who drink holy wa∣ter, as one would do a weavers shuttle, where∣of suppositories are made to those that will not resigne, but on the termes of ell and tell, and giving of one thing for another. Tunc (my Lords) quid juris pro minoribus? for the common custom of the Salick law is such, that the first incendiarie or fire-brand of se∣dition, that flayes the Cow, and wipes his nose in a full consort of musick, without blowing in the Coblers stitches, should in the

time of the night-mare sublimate the penury of his member by mosse gathered when peo∣ple are like to foundre themselvs at the messe at midnight, to give the estrapade to these white-wines of Anjou, that do the feat of the leg in lifting it (by horsemen called the Gambetta,) and that neck to neck, after the fa∣shion of Britanie, (concluding as before with costs, damages and interests.

After that the Lord of Suckfist had ended, Pantagruel said to the Lord of Kissebreech, My friend, have you a minde to make any reply to what is said? No, (my Lord) answered Kissebreech; for I have spoke all I intended, and nothing but the truth, therefore put an end for Gods sake to our difference, for we are here at great charge.

CHAP. XIII. How Pahtagruel gave judgement upon the dif∣ference of the two Lords.

THen Pantagruel rising up, assembled all the Presidents, Counsellors and Do∣ctors that were there, and said unto them: Come now (my Masters) you have heard (vivae vocis or aculo) the Controversie that is

in question, what do you think of it? They answered him, We have indeed heard it, but have not understood the devil so much as one circumstance of the case; and therefore we beseech you unâ voce, and in courtesie re∣quest you, that you would give sentence as you think good, and ex nunc prout ex tunc, we are satisfied with it, and do ratifie it with our full consents: Well, my Masters (said Pantagruel) seeing you are so pleased, I will do it: but I do not truly finde the case so difficult as you make it: your paragraph Ca∣ton: the law Frater, the law Gallus, the law Quinque pedum, the law Vinum, the law Si Dominus, the law Mater, the law Mulier bona, the law Si quis, the law Pomponius, the law Fundi, the law Emptor, the law Praetor, the law Venditor, and a great many others are farre more intricate in my opinion. After he had spoke this, he walked a turn or two about the hall, plodding very profoundly as one may think; for he did groan like an Asse, whilest they girth him too hard, with the ve∣ry intensivenesse of considering how he was bound in conscience to do right to both par∣ties, without varying or accepting of per∣sons. Then he returned, sate down, and began to pronounce sentence as follow∣eth.

Having seen, heard, calculated and well considered of the difference between the

Lords of Kissebreech and Suckfist; the Court saith unto them, that in regard of the sudden quaking, shivering and hoarinesse of the flick∣ermouse bravely declining from the estival solstice, to attempt by private means the sur∣prisal of toyish trifles in those, who are a little unwell for having taken a draught too much, through the lewd demeanour and vexation of the beetles, that inhabit the Diarodal cli∣mate of an hypocritical Ape on horseback, bending a Crossebowe backwards. The Plain∣tiffe truly had just cause to calfet, or with Ockam to stop the chinks of the gallion, which the good woman blew up with winde, having one foot shod and the other bare, re∣imbursing and restoring to him low and stiffe in his conscience, as many bladder-nuts and wilde pistaches as there is of haire in eighteen Cowes, with as much for the em∣broiderer, and so much for that. He is like∣wise declared innocent of the case priviledg∣ed from the Knapdardies, into the danger whereof it was thought he had incurred; be∣cause he could not jocundly and with fulnesse of freedom untrusse and dung, by the de∣cision of a paire of gloves perfumed with the sent of bum-gunshot, at the walnut-tree taper, as is usual in his countrey of Miro∣balois. Slacking therefore the top-saile, and letting go the boulin with the brazen bullets, where with the Mariners did by way of pro∣testation

bake in paste-meat, great store of pulse, interquilted with the dormouse, whose hawks bells were made with a puntinaria, af∣ter the manner of Hungary or Flanders lace, and which his brother in law carried in a Panier, lying near to three chevrons or bor∣dered gueules, whilest he was clean out of heart, drooping and crest-fallen by the too narrow sifting, canvassing, and curious ex∣amining of the matter, in the angulary dog-hole of nastie scoundrels, from whence we shoot at the vermiformal popingay, with the flap made of a foxtaile.

But in that he chargeth the Defendant, that he was a botcher, cheese-eater, and trim∣mer of mans flesh imbalmed, which in the arsiversie swagfall tumble was not found true, as by the Defendant was very well dis∣cussed.

The Court therefore doth condemn and amerce him in three porringers of curds, well cemented and closed together, shining like pearles, and Codpieced after the fashion of the Countrey, to be payed unto the said Defendant, about the middle of August in May: but on the other part the Defendant shall be bound to furnish him with hay and stubble, for stopping the caltrops of his throat, troubled and impulregafized, with gabardines garbeled shufflingly, and friends as before, without costs and for cause.

Which sentence being pronounced, the two Parties departed both contented with the decree, which was a thing almost incre∣dible; for it never came to passe since the great rain, nor shall the like occur in thirteen jubilees hereafter, that two Parties contra∣dictorily contending in judgment, be equal∣ly satisfied and well pleased with the defini∣tive sentence. As for the Counsellors, & other Doctors in the law, that were there present, they were all so ravished with admiration at the more then humane wisdom of Pantagruel, which they did most clearly perceive to be in him, by his so accurate decision of this so difficult and thornie cause, that their spirits, with the extremity of the rapture, being ele∣vated above the pitch of actuating the or∣gans of the body, they fell into a trance and sudden extasie, wherein they stayed for the space of three long houres, and had been so as yet in that condition, had not some good people fetched store of vineger and rose-wa∣ter, to bring them again unto their former sense and understanding, for the which God be praised every where; And so be it.

CHAP. XIV. How Panurge related the manner how he esca∣ped out of the hands of the Turks.

THe great wit and judgement of Panta∣gruel, was immediately after this made known unto all the world, by setting forth his praises in print, and putting upon record this late wonderful proof he hath gi∣ven thereof amongst the Rolls of the Crown, and Registers of the Palace, in such sort, that every body began to say, that Solomon, who by a probable guesse only, without any fur∣ther certainty, caused the childe to be deli∣vered to its own mother, shewed never in his time such a Master-piece of wisdom, as the good Pantagruel hath done; happy are we therefore that have him in our Countrey. And indeed they would have made him thereupon Master of the Requests, and Pre∣sident in the Court: but he refused all, very graciously thanking them for their offer, for (said he) there is too much slavery in these offices, and very hardly can they be saved that do exercise them, considering the great cor∣ruption that is amongst men: which makes me beleeve, if the empty seats of Angels be

not fil'd with other kind of people then those, we shall not have the final judgement these seven thousand sixty and seven jubilees yet to come; and so Cusanus will be deceived in his conjecture: Remember that I have told you of it, and given you faire advertisement in time and place convenient.

But if you have any hogsheads of good wine, I willingly will accept of a present of that, which they very heartily did do, in sending him of the best that was in the City, and he drank reasonably well, but poor Pa∣nurge bibbed and bowsed of it most villain∣ously, for he was as dry as a red-herring, as lean as a rake, and like a poor, lank, slender cat, walked gingerly as if he had trod upon egges: so that by some one being admonish∣ed, in the midst of his draught of a large deep bowle, full of excellent Claret, with these words, Faire and softly, Gossip, you suck up as if you were mad: I give thee to the devil, (said he) thou hast not found here thy little tipling sippers of Paris, that drink no more then the little bird called a spink or chaffinch, and never take in their beak ful of liquour, till they be bobbed on the tailes after the manner of the sparrows. O companion, if I could mount up as well as I can get down, I had been long ere this above the sphere of the Moon with Empedocles. But I cannot tell what a devil this meanes. This wine is so

good and delicious, that the more I drink thereof, the more I am athirst; I beleeve that the shadow of my Master Pantagruel, engendereth the altered and thirsty men, as the Moon doth the catarres and defluxions; at which word the company began to laugh: which Pantagruel perceiving, said, Panurge What is that which moves you to laugh so? Sir, said he, I was telling them that these de∣villish Turks are very unhappy, in that they never drink one drop of wine, and that though there were no other harme in all Ma∣homets Alcoran, yet for this one base point of abstinence from wine, which therein is com∣manded, I would not submit my self unto their law. But now tell me, (said Pantagruel) how you escaped out of their hands. By G—Sir (said Panurge) I will not lie to you in one word.

The rascally Turks had broached me upon a spit all larded like a rabbet, (for I was so dry and meagre, that otherwise of my flesh they would have made but very bad meat) and in this manner began to rost me alive. As they were thus roasting me, I recom∣mended my self unto the divine grace, ha∣ving in my minde the good St. Lawrence, and alwayes hoped in God that he would deliver me out of this torment, which came to passe, and that very strangely; for as I did com∣mit my self with all my heart unto God,

crying, Lord God help me, Lord God save me, Lord God take me out of this pain and hellish torture, wherein these traiterous dogs detain me for my sincerity in the mainte∣nance of thy law: the roster or turn-spit fell asleep by the divine will, or else by the ver∣tue of some good Mercury, who cunningly brought Argus into a sleep for all his hundred eyes: when I saw that he did no longer turne me in roasting, I looked upon him, and per∣ceived that he was fast asleep, then took I up in my teeth a firebrand by the end where it was not burnt, and cast it into the lap of my roaster, and another did I throw as well as I could under a field-couche, that was placed near to the chimney, wherein was the straw∣bed of my Master turnspit; presently the fire took hold in the straw, and from rhe straw to the bed, and from the bed to the loft, which was planked and seeled with firre, after the fashion of the foot of a lamp: but the best was, that the fire which I had cast into the lap of my paultry roaster, burnt all his groine, and was beginning to cease upon his cullions, when he became sensible of the danger, for his smelling was not so bad, but that he felt it sooner then he could have seen day-light: then suddenly getting up, and in a great a∣mazement running to the window, he cried out to the streets as high as he could, dalbaroth, dalbaroth, dalbaroth, which is as much to say

as, Fire, fire, fire: incontinently turning a∣bout, he came streight towards me, to throw me quite into the fire, and to that effect had already cut the ropes, wherewith my hands were tied, and was undoing the cords from off my feet; when the Master of the house hearing him cry, Fire, and smelling the smoke from the very street where he was walking with some other Baashaws and Mustaphaes, ran with all the speed he had to save what he could, and to carry away his Jewels; yet such was his rage (before he could well resolve how to go about it,) that he caught the broach whereon I was spitted, and therewith killed my roaster stark dead, of which wound he died there for want of government or o∣therwise; for he ran him in with the spit a little above the navel, towards the right flank, till he pierced the third lappet of his liver, and the blow flanting upwards from the mid∣riffe or diaphragme, through which it had made penetration, the spit past athwart the pericardium, or capsule of his heart, and came out above at his shoulders, betwixt the spon∣dyls or turning joints of the chine of the back, and the left homoplat, which we call the shoul∣der-blade.

True it is, (for I will not lie,) that in draw∣ing the spit out of my body, I fell to the ground near unto the Andirons, and so by the fall took some hurt, which indeed had

been greater, but that the lardons, or little sli∣ces of bacon, wherewith I was stuck, kept off the blow. My Baashaw then seeing the case to be desperate, his house burnt without re∣mission, and all his goods lost, gave himselfe over unto all the devils in hell, calling upon some of them by their names, Gringoth, Asta∣roth, Rappalus, and Gribouillis, nine several times, which when I saw, I had above six pence worth of feare, dreading that the de∣vils would come even then to carry away this foole, and seeing me so near him would per∣haps snatch me up too: I am already (thought I) halfe rosted, and my lardons, will be the cause of my mischief; for these devils are very lickorous of lardons, according to the authority which you have of the Philosopher Jamblicus and Murmault, in the Apology of Bossuris, adulterated pro magistros nostros: but for my better security I made the signe of the Crosse; crying, Hageos, athanatos, hotheos, and none came: at which my rogue Baashaw being very much aggrieved, would in trans∣piercing his heart with my spit have killed himself; and to that purpose had set it against his breast, but it could not enter, because it was not sharp enough; whereupon I percei∣ving that he was not like to work upon his bo∣dy the effect which he intended, although he did not spare all the force he had to thrust it forward, came up to him and said, Master Bu∣grino,

thou dost here but trifle away thy time, or rashly lose it, for thou wilt never kill thy self thus as thou doest: well thou mayest hurt or bruise somewhat within thee, so as to make thee languish all thy life-time most pi∣tifully amongst the hands of the Chirurgions; but if thou wilt be counselled by me, I will kill thee clear out-right, so that thou shalt not so much as feel it, and trust me, for I have killed a grear many others, who have found themselves very well after it: Ha, my friend, said he, I prethee do so, and for thy paines I will give thee my Codpiece, take, here it is, there are six hundred Seraphs in it, and some fine Diamonds, and most excellent Rubies. And where are they (said Episte∣mon?) By St. John (said Panurge) they are a good way hence, if they alwayes keep going: but where is the last yeares snow? this was the greatest care that Villon the Parisien Poet took. Make an end (said Pantagruel) that we may know how thou didst dresse thy Baashaw: By the faith of an honest man (said Panurge) I do not lie in one word, I swadled him in a scurvie swathel-binding, which I found lying there half burnt, and with my cords tied him royster-like both hand and foot, in such sort that he was not able to winse, then past my spit thorough his throat, and hanged him thereon, fastening the end thereof at two great hooks or cramp-irons, upon which they

did hang their Halberds; and then kindling a faire fire under him, did flame you up my Milourt, as they use to do dry herrings in a chimney: with this, taking his budget, and a little javelin that was upon the foresaid hooks, I ran away a faire gallop-rake, and God he knows how I did smell my shoulder of mut∣ton.

When I was come down into the street, I found every body come to put out the fire with store of water, and seeing me so halfe-roasted, they did naturally pity my case, and threw all their water upon me, which by a most joyful refreshing of me, did me very much good: then did they present me with some victuals, but I could not eat much, be∣cause they gave me nothing to drink but wa∣ter afrer their fashion. Other hurt they did me none, only one little villainous Turkie knobbreasted rogue, came thiefteously to snatch away some of my lardons, but I gave him such a sturdie thump and sound rap on the fingers, with all the weight of my jave∣lin, that he came no more the second time. Shortly after this, there came towards me a pretty young Corinthian wench, who brought me a box full of Conserves, of round Mi∣rabolan plums, called Emblicks, and looked upon my poor Robin with an eye of great compassion, as it was flea-bitten and pinked with the sparkles of the fire from whence it

came, for it reached no further in length, (be∣leeve me) then my knees; but note, that this roasting cured me entirely of a Sciatick, whereunto I had been subject above seven yeares before, upon that side, which my roast∣er, by falling asleep, suffered to be burnt.

Now whilest they were thus busie about me, the fire triumphed, never ask, How? for it took hold on above two thousand houses, which one of them espying, cried out, say∣ing, By Mahooms belly all the City is on fire, and we do neverthelesse stand gazing here, without offering to make any relief: upon this every one ran to save his own; for my part, I took my way towards the gate. When I was got upon the knap of a little hillock, not farre off, I turned me about as did Lots wife, and looking back, saw all the City burning in a faire fire, whereat I was so glad, that I had almost beshit my selfe for joy: but God punished me well for it: How? said Panta∣gruel: Thus, said Panurge; for when with pleasure I beheld this jolly fire, jesting with my self, and saying, Ha poor flies, ha poor mice, you will have a bad winter of it this yeare, the fire is in your reeks, it is in your bed-straw, out came more then six, yea more then thirteen hundred and eleven dogs great and small, altogether out of the town, flying away from the fire; at the first approach they ran all upon me, being carried on by the

sent of my leacherous half-roasted flesh, and had even then devoured me in a trice, if my good Angel had not well inspired me with the instruction of a remedy, very sovereign a∣gainst the tooth-ache. And wherefore (said Pantagruel) wert thou afraid of the tooth-ache, or paine of the teeth? wert thou not cured of thy Rheumes? By Palme-sunday, (said Panurge) is there any greater pain of the teeth, then when the dogs have you by the legs? but on a sudden, (as my good Angel directed me) I thought upon my lardons, and threw them into the midst of the field a∣mongst them: then did the dogs run, and fight with one another at faire teeth, which should have the lardons: by this means they left me, and I left them also bustling with, and hairing one another. Thus did I escape frolick and lively, grammercie roastmeat and cookery.

CHAP. XV. How Panurge shewed a very new way to build the walls of Paris.

PAntagruel one day to refresh himself of his study, went a walking towards St. Marcels suburbs, to see the extravagancie

of the Gobeline building, and to taste of their spiced bread. Panurge was with him, having alwayes a flaggon under his gown, and a good slice of a gammon of bacon; for without this he never went, saying, that it was as a Yeoman of the guard to him, to preserve his body from harme, other sword carried he none: and when Pantagruel would have given him one, he answered, that he needed none, for that it would but heat his milt. Yea but (said Epistemon) if thou shouldest be set upon, how wouldest thou defend thy self? With great buskinades or brodkin blowes, answered he, provided thursts were forbidden. At their return, Panurge considered the walls of the City of Paris, and in derision said to Panta∣gruel, See what faire walls here are! O how strong they are, and well fitted to keep geese in a mue or coop to fatten them! by my beard they are competently scurvie for such a City as this is; for a Cow with one fart would go near to overthrow above six fa∣thoms of them. O my friend (said Panta∣gruel) doest thou know what Agesilaus said, when he was asked, Why the great City of Lacedemon was not inclosed with walls? Lo here (said he) the walls of the City, in shew∣ing them the inhabitants and Citizens there∣of, so strong, so well armed, and so expert in military discipline; signifying thereby, that there is no wall but of bones; and that Towns

and Cities cannot have a surer wall, nor bet∣ter fortification then the prowesse and vertue of the Citizens and Inhabitants; so is this City so strong, by the great number of war∣like people that are in it, that they care not for making any other walls. Besides, whoso∣ever would go about to wall it, as Strasbourg, Orleans or Ferrara, would finde it almost im∣possible, the cost and charges would be so ex∣cessive. Yea, but (said Panurge) it is good neverthelesse to have an out-side of stone, when we are invaded by our enemies, were it but to ask, Who is below there? As for the enormous expence, which you say would be needful for undertaking the great work of walling this City about, if the Gentlemen of the Town will be pleased to give me a good rough cup of wine, I will shew them a pretty, strange and new way how they may build them good cheap. How (said Panta∣gruel?) Do not speak of it then (answered Panurge,) and I will tell it you. I see that the sine quo nons, killibistris, or contrapunctums of the women of this Countrey, are better cheap then stones: of them should the walls be built, ranging them in good symmetrie by the rules of Architecture, and placing the largest in the first ranks, then sloping down∣wards ridgewayes, like the back of an Asse, the middle sized ones must be ranked next, and last of all the least and smallest. This

done, there must be a fine little interlacing of them, like points of Diamonds, as is to be seen in the grear Tower of Bourges, with a like number of the nudinnudo's, nilnisistando's, and stiffe bracmards, that dwell in amongst the claustral Codpieces. What devil were able to overthrow such walls? there is no metal like it to resist blowes, in so farre that if Culverin-shot should come to grease upon it, you would incontinently see distill from thence the blessed fruit of the great pox, as small as raine: beware in the name of the de∣vils, and hold off; furthermore, no thunder∣bolt or lightning would fall upon it, for why? they are all either blest or consecrated: I see but one inconveniency in it: Ho, ho, ha, ha, ha, (said Pantagruel,) and what is that? It is that the flies would be so lickorish of them, that you would wonder, and would quickly ga∣ther there together, and there leave their or∣dure and excretions, and so all the work would be spoiled. But see how that might be remedied, they must be wiped and made rid of the flies with faire fox-tailes, or good great viedazes (which are Asse-pizzles) of Provence. And to this purpose I will tell you (as we go to supper,) a brave example set down by Frater Lubinus libro de compotationi∣bus mendicantium; in the time that the beasts did speak, which is not yet three dayes since.

A poor Lion, walking through the for∣test of Bieure, and saying his own little pri∣vate devotions, past under a tree, where there was a roguish Collier gotten up to cut down wood, who seeing the Lion, cast his hatchet at him, and wounded him enormously in one of his legs, whereupon the Lion halting, he so long toiled and turmoiled himself in roam∣ing up and down the forrest to finde helpe, that at last he met with a Carpenter, who wil∣lingly look't upon his wound, cleansed it as well as he could, and filled it with mosse, telling him that he must wipe his wound well, that the flies might not do their excrements in it, whilest he should go search for some yarrow or millefoile, commonly called the Carpenters herbe. The Lion being thus heal∣ed, walked along in the forrest, at what time a sempiternous Crone and old Hag, was pick∣ing up, and gathering some sticks in the said forrest, whoseeing the Lion coming towards her, for feare fell down backwards, in such sort, that the winde blew up her gown, coats and smock even as farre as above her shoul∣ders; which the Lion perceiving, for pity ran to see whether she had taken any hurt by the fall, and thereupon considering her how do you call it, said, O poor woman, who hath thus wounded thee? which words when he had spoken, he espied a fox, whom he called to come to him, saying, Gossip Renard, hau, hi∣ther,

hither, and for cause: when the fox was come, he said unto him, My gossip and friend, they have hurt this good woman here be∣tween the legs most villainously, and there is a manifest solution of continuity, see how great a wound it is, even from the taile up to the navel, in measure foure, nay full five handfulls and a half; this is the blow of an hatchet, I doubt me it is an old wound, and therefore that the flies may not get into it, wipe it lustily well and hard; I prethy, both within and without; thou hast a good taile and long, wipe, my friend, wipe, I beseech thee, and in the mean while I will go get some mosse to put into it; for thus ought we to succour and help one another, wipe it hard, thus, my friend, wipe it well, for this wound must be often wiped, otherwise the Party cannot be at ease: go to, wipe well, my little gossip, wipe, God hath furnished thee with a taile, thou hast a long one, and of a bignesse proportionable, wipe hard and be not weary. A good wiper, who in wiping continually, wi∣peth with his wipard, by wasps shall never be wounded: wipe, my pretty minion, wipe, my little bullie, I will not stay long. Then went he to get store of mosse; and when he was a little way off, he cried out in speaking to the fox thus, Wipe well still, gossip, wipe, and let it never grieve thee to wipe well, my little gossip, I will put thee into service to be wiper

to Don Pedro de Castille, wipe, only wipe, and no more: the poor fox wiped as hard as he could, here and there, within and witho u: but the false old trot did so fizzle and fist, that she stunk like a hundred devils, which put the poor fox to a great deal of ill ease, for he knew not to what side to turn himself, to escape the unsavoury perfume of this old womans po∣stern blasts, and whilest to that effect he was shifting hither and thither, without knowing how to shun the annoyance of those unwhole∣som gusts, he saw that behinde there was yet another hole, not so great as that which he did wipe, out of which came this filthy and infectious aire. The Lion at last return∣ed, bringing with him of mosse more then eighteen packs would hold, and began to put into the wound, with a staffe that which he had provided for that purpose, and had already put in full sixteen packs and a half, at which he was amazed: What a devil? (said he) this wound is very deep, it would hold above two cart-loads of mosse. The fox perceiving this, said unto the Lion, O gossip Lion, my friend, I pray thee do not put in all thy mosse there, keep somewhat; for there is yet here ano∣ther little hole, that stinks like five hundred devils; I am almost choaked with the smell thereof, it is so pestiferous and impoison∣ing.

Thus must these walls be kept from the

flies, and wages allowed to some for wiping of them. Then said Pantagruel, How dost thou know that the privy parts of women are at such a cheap rate? for in this City there are many vertuous, honest and chaste women besides the maids: Et ubi prenus, said Pa∣nurge? I will give you my opinion of it, and that upon certain and assured knowledge. I do not brag that I have bumbasted four hun∣dred and seventeen, since I came into this City, though it be but nine dayes ago: but this very morning I met with a good fellow, who in a wallet, such as Aesops was, carried two little girles of two or three yeares old at the most, one before, and the other behinde: he demanded almes of me, but I made him answer, that I had more cods then pence; af∣terwards I asked him, Good man, these two girles are they maids? Brother, said he, I have carried them thus these two yeares, and in regard of her that is before, whom I see continually, in my opinion she is a Virgin, neverthelesse I will not put my finger in the fire for it; as for her that is behinde, doubt∣lesse I can say nothing. Indeed (said Panta∣gruel) thou art a gentile companion, I will have thee to be apparelled in my liverly, and therefore caused him to be clothed most gallantly according to the fashion that then was, only that Panurge would have the Cod∣piece of his breeches three foot long, and in

shape square, not round, which was done and was well worth the seeing. Often∣times was he wont to say that the world had not yet known the emolument and u∣tility that is in wearing great Codpieces; but time would one day teach it them, as all things have been invented in time. God keep from hurt (said he) the good fellow whose long Codpiece or Braguet hath saved his life: God keep from hurt him, whose long Braguet hath been worth to him in one day, one hundred threescore thousand and nine Crowns: God keep from hurt him, who by his long Braguet hath saved a whole City from dying by famine. And by G—I will make a book of the commodity of long Bra∣guets, when I shall have more leasure. And indeed he composed a faire great book with figures, but it is not printed as yet that I know of.

CHAP. XVI. Of the qualities and conditions of Panurge.

PAnurge was of a middle stature, not too high, nor too low, and had somewhat an Aquiline nose, made like the handle of a ra∣sor: he was at that time five and thirty years

old or thereabouts, fine to gild like a leaden dagger; for he was a notable cheater and cony-catcher, he was a very gallant and pro∣per man of his person, only that he was a little leacherous, and naturally subject to a kinde of disease, which at that time they cal∣led lack of money: it is an incomparable grief, yet notwithstanding he had chreescore and three tricks to come by it at his need, of which the most honourable and most ordi∣nary was in manner of thieving, secret pur∣loining and filching; for he was a wicked lewd rogue, a cosener, drinker, royster, ro∣ver, and a very dissolute and debautch'd fel∣low, if there were any in Paris; otherwise, and in all matters else, the best and most ver∣tuous man in the world: and he was still con∣triving some plot, and devising mischief a∣gainst the Serjeants and the watch.

At one time he assembled three or foure especial good hacksters and roaring boyes, made them in the evening drink like Tem∣plers, afterwards led them till they came un∣der St. Genevieve, or about the Colledge of Navarre, and at the houre that the watch was coming up that way, which he knew by putting his sword upon the pavement, and his eare by it, and when he heard his sword shake, it was an infallible signe that the watch was near at that instant: then he and his com∣anions took a tumbrel or dung-cart, and

gave it the brangle, hurling it with all their force down the hill, and so overthrew all the poor watchmen like pigs, and then ran away upon the other side; for in lesse then two dayes, he knew all the streets, lanes and turn∣ings in Paris, as well as his Deus det.

At another time he made in some faire place, where the said watch was to passe, a traine of gun-powder, and at the very instant, that they went along, set fire to it, and then made himself sport to see what good grace they had in running away, thinking that St. Antonies fire had caught them by the legs. As for the poor Masters of Arts, he did per∣secute them above all others: when he en∣countered with any of them upon the street, he would not never faile to put some trick or other upon them, sometimes putting the bit of a fried turd in their graduate hoods: At o∣ther times pinning on little fox-tails, or hares-eares behinde them, or some such other ro∣guish prank. One day that they were appoint∣ed all to meet in the fodder-street, he made a Borbonnesa tart, or filthy and slovenly com∣pound, made of store of garlick, of Assa foe∣tida, of Castoreum, of dogs turds very warm, which he steeped, temper'd and liquifi'd in the corrupt matter of pockie biles, and pestife∣rous botches, and very early in the morning, therewith anointed all the pavement, in such sort, that the devil could not have endured it,

which made all these good people, there to lay up their gorges, and vomit what was up∣on their stomacks before all the world, as if they had flayed the fox; and ten or twelve of them died of the plague, fourteen became lepers, eighteen grew lousie, and above seven and twenty had the pox but he did not care a button for it. He commonly carried a whip under his gowne wherewith he whipt with∣out remission the pages, whom he found car∣rying wine to their Masters, to make them mend their pace. In his coat he had above six and twenty little fabs and pockets alwayes full, one with some lead-water, and a little knife as sharp as a glovers needle, wherewith he used to cut purses: Another with some kinde of bitter stuffe, which he threw into the eyes of those he met: another with clotburrs, penned with little geese or capons feathers, which he cast upon the gowns and caps of honest people: and often made them faire hornes, which they wore about all the City, sometimes all their life. Very often also up∣on the womens French hoods would he stick in the hind-part somewhat made in the shape of a mans member. In another he had a great many little hornes full of fleas and lice, which he borrowed from the beggars of St. Innocent, and cast them with small canes or quills to write with, into the necks of the daintiest Gentlewomen that he could finde▪

yea even in the Church, for he never seated himself above in the quire, but alwayes sate in the body of the Church amongst the wo∣men, both at Masse, at Vespres, and at Ser∣mon. In another, he used to have good store of hooks and buckles, wherewlth he would couple men and women together, that sate in company close to one another, but especial∣ly those that wore gownes of crimson taf∣faties, that when they were about to go away, they might rent all their gownes. In another, he had a squib furnished with tinder, matches, stones to strike fire, and all other tackling necessary for it: in another, two or three burning glasses, wherewith he made both men and women sometimes mad, and in the Church put them quite out of counte∣nance; for he said that there was but an An∣tistrophe, or little more difference then of a literal inversion between a woman, folle a la messe, and molle a la fesse; that is, foolish at the Masse, and of a pliant buttock.

In another he had a good deal of needles and thread, wherewith he did a thousand little devillish pranks. One time at the entry of the Palace unto the great Hall, where a certain gray Friar or Cordelier was to say Masse to the Counsellors: He did help to ap∣parel him, and put on his vestments, but in the accoutring of him, he sowed on his alb, surplice or stole to his gowne and shirt, and

then withdrew himself, when the said Lords of the Court, or Counsellors came to heare the said Masse; but when it came to the Ite, missa est, that the poor Frater would have laid by his stole or surplice (as the fashion then was) he plucked off withal both his frock and shirt which were well sowed together, and therby stripping himself up to the very shoul∣ders, shewed his bel vedere to all the world, together with his Don Cypriano, which was no small one, as you may imagine: and the Friar still kept haling, but so much the more did he discover himself, and lay open his back-parts, till one of the Lords of the Court said, How now, what's the matter? will this faire Father make us here an offering of his taile to kisse it? nay, St. Antonies fire kisse it for us. From thenceforth it was ordained that the poor Fathers should never disrobe them∣selves any more before the world, but in their vestry-room, or sextry, as they call it; espe∣cially in the presence of women, lest it should tempt them to the sin of longing, and disor∣dinate desire. The people then asked, why it was the Friars had so long and large genito∣ries? the said Panurge resolved the Probleme very neatly, saying, That which makes Asses to have such great eares, is that their dams did put no biggins on their heads, as Alliaco mentioneth in his suppositions: by the like rea∣son, that which makes the genitories or gene∣ration-tooles

of those faire Fraters so long is, for that they ware no bottomed breech∣es, and therefore their jolly member having no impediment, hangeth dangling at liberty, as farre as it can reach, with a wigle-wagle down to their knees, as women carry their patinotre beads: and the cause wherefore they have it so correspondently great, is, that in this constant wig-wagging the humours of the body descend into the said member: for according to the Legists, Agitation and conti∣nual motion is cause of attraction.

Item, he had another pocket full of itching powder, called stone-allum, whereof he would cast some into the backs of those women, whom he judged to be most beautiful and stately, which did so ticklishly gall them, that some would strip themselves in the open view of the world, and others dance like a cock upon hot embers, or a drumstick on a taber: others again ran about the streets, and he would run after them: to such as were in the stripping veine, he would very civilly come to offer his attendance, and cover them with his cloak, like a courteous and ve∣ry gracious man.

Item, in another he had a little leather bottle full of old oile, wherewith, when he saw any man or woman in a rich new hand∣some suit, he would grease, smutch and spoil all the best parts of it under colour and pre∣tence

of touching them, saying, This is good cloth, this is good sattin, good taffaties; Ma∣dam, God give you all that your noble heart desireth; you have a new suit, pretty Sir; and you a new gown, sweet Mistris, God give you joy of it, and maintain you in all prospe∣rity, and with this would lay his hand upon their shoulder, at which touch such a villain∣ous spot was left behinde, so enormously engraven to perpetuity in the very soule, bo∣dy and reputation, that the devil himself could never have taken it away: Then upon his departing, he would say, Madam, take heed you do not fall, for there is a filthy great hole before you, whereinto if you put your foot, you will quite spoile your self. Ano∣ther he had all full of Euphorbium, very fine∣ly pulverised, in that powder did he lay a faire handkerchief curiously wrought, which he had stollen from a pretty Seamstresse of the Palace, in taking away a lowse from off her bosome, which he had put there himself: and when he came into the company of some good Ladies, he would trifle them into a dis∣course of some fine workmanship of bone∣lace, then immediately put his hand into their bosome, asking them, And this work, is it of Flanders, or of Hainault? and then drew out his handkerchief, and said, Hold, hold, look what work here is, it is of Foutiman or of Foutarabia▪ and shaking it hard at their nose,

made them sneeze for foure houres without ceasing: in the mean while he would fart like a horse, and the women would laugh and say, How now, do you fart, Panurge? No, no, Madam (said he,) I do but tune my taile to the plain song of the Musick, which you make with your nose. In another he had a picklock, a pellican, a crampiron, a crook, and some other iron tooles, wherewith there was no door nor coffer which he would nor pick open. He had another full of little cups, wherewith he played very artificially, for he had his fingers made to his hand, like those of Minerva or Arachne, and had here∣tofore cried Triacle. And when he changed a teston, cardecu, or any other piece of mo∣ney, the changer had been more subtil then a fox, if Panurge had not at every time made five or six sols, (that is some six or seven pence) vanish away invisibly, openly and ma∣nifestly, without making any hurt or lesion, whereof the changer should have felt nothing but the winde.

CHAP. XVII. How Panurge gained the pardons, and married the old women, and of the suit in law which he had at Paris.

ONe day I found Panurge very much out of countenance, melancholick and si∣lent, which made me suspect that he had no money; whereupon I said unto him, Panurge, you are sick, as I do very well perceive by your physiognomie, and I know the disease, you have a flux in your purse; but take no care I have yet seven pence half penny, that never saw father nor mother, which shall not be wanting, no more then the pox in your necessity: whereunto he answered me, Well, well, for money, one day I shall have but too much; for I have a Philosophers stone, which attracts money out of mens purses, as the a∣damant doth iron; but will you go with me to gaine the pardons, said he? By my faith (said he) I am no great pardon-taker in this world; if I shall be any such in the other, I cannot tell: yet let us go in Gods Name, it is but one farthing more or lesse. But (said he) lend me then a farthing upon interest. No, no, (said I) I will give it you freely,

and from my heart, Grates vobis dominos, said he.

So we went along, beginning at St. Ger∣vase, and I got the pardons at the first boxe only, for in those matters very little con∣tenteth me: then did I say my small suffra∣ges, and the prayers of St. Brigid, but he gained them at all the boxes, and alwayes gave money to every one of the Pardoners; from thence we went to our Ladies Church, to St. Johns, to St. Antonies, and so to the other Churches, where there was a banquet of pardon, for my part, I gained no more of them: but he at all the boxes kissed the relicks, and gave at every one: to be brief, when we were returned, he brought me to drink at the Castle-tavern, and there shewed me ten or twelve of his little bags full of mo∣ney, at which I blest my self, and made the signe of the Crosse, saying, Where have you recovered so much money in so little time? unto which he answered me, that he had ta∣ken it out of the basins of the pardons; For in giving them the first farthing (said he) I put it in with such slight of hand, and so dex∣terously that it appeared to be a three-pence; thus with one hand I took three-pence, nine-pence or six-pence at the least, and with the other as much, and so thorough all the Churches where we have been. Yea, but (said I) you damn your self like a snake, and

are withal a thief and sacrilegious person. True (said he) in your opinion, but I am not of that minde; for the Pardoners do give me it, when they say unto me in presenting the relicks to kisse, Centuplum accipies, that is, that for one penny I should take a hundred; for accipies is spoken according to the manner of the Hebrewes, who use the future tense in stead of the imperative, as you have in the law, Diliges Dominum, that is, dilige: even so when the Pardon-bearer sayes to me, Cen∣tuplum accipies, his meaning is, centuplum ac∣cipe; and so doth Rabbi Kimy, and Rabbi Aben Ezra expound it, and all the Massorets, & ibi Bartholus. Moreover, Pope Sixtus gave me fifteen hundred francks of yearly pension (which in English money is a hundred and fifty pounds) upon his Ecclesiastical revenues and treasure, for having cured him of a canc∣krous botch, which did so torment him, that he thought to have been a Cripple by it all his life. Thus I do pay my self at my owne hand (for otherways I get nothing) upon the said Ecclesiastical treasure. Ho, my friend, (said he) if thou didst know what advantage I made, and how well I feathered my nest, by the Popes bull of the Croisade, thou wouldest wonder exceedingly. It was worth to me a∣bove six thousand florins (in English coine six hundred pounds,) and what a devil is become of them? (said I) for of that money

thou hast not one half penny. They returned from whence they came (said he,) they did no mote but change their Master.

But I employed at least three thousand of them (that is, three hundred pounds English,) in marrying (not young Virgins; for they finde but too many husbands) but great old sempiternous trots, which had not so much as one tooth in their heads; and that out of the consideration I had, that these good old women had very well spent the time of their youth in playing at the close-buttock-game to all commers, serving the foremost first, till no man would have any more dealing with them. And by G—I will have their skin-coat shaken once yet before they die; by this meanes, to one I gave a hundred florins, to another six score, to another three hundred, according to that they were infamous, detest∣able and abominable; for by how much the more horrible and execrable they were, so much the more must I needs have giventhem, otherwayes the devil would not have jum'd them. Presently I went to some great and fat wood-porters, or such like, and did my self make the match, but before I did shew him the old Hags, I made a faire muster to him of the Crownes, saying, Good fellow, see what I will give thee, if thou wilt but con∣descend to dufle, dinfredaille, or lecher it one good time: then began the poor rogues to

gape like old mules, and I caused to be pro∣vided for them a banquet, with drink of the best, and store of spiceries, to put the old wo∣men in rut and heat of lust. To be short, they occupied all like good soules, only to those that were horribly ugly and ill-favoured, I caused their head to be put within a bag, to hide their face.

Besides all this, I have lost a great deal in suits of law: And what law-suits couldest thou have? (said I) thou hast neither house norlands. My friend, (said he) the Gentlewomen of this City had found out, by the instigation of the devil of hell, a manner of high-mount∣ed bands, and neckerchiefs for women, which did so closely cover their bosomes, that men could no more put their hands under; for they had put the slit behinde, and those neck-cloths were wholly shut before, where∣at the poor sad contemplative lovers were much discontented. Upon a faire Tuesday, I presented a Petition to the Court, making my self a Party against the said Gentlewo∣men, and shewing the great interest that I pretended therein, protesting that by the same reason, I would cause the Codpeece of my breeches to be sowed behinde, if the Co ur would not take order for it. In summe, the Gentlewomen put in their defences, shewed the grounds they went upon, and constituted their Atturney for the prosecuting of the

cause, but I pursued them so vigorously, that by a sentence of the Court it was decreed, those high neckclothes should be no longer worne, if they were not a little cleft and open before, but it cost me a good summe of mo∣ney. I had another very filthy and beastly processe against the dung-farmer (called Ma∣ster Fifi) and his Deputies, that they should no more reade privily the pipe, punchon, nor quart of sentences, but in faire full day, and that in the fodder schools, in face of the Ar∣rian Sophisters, where I was ordained to pay the charges, by reason of some clause mis∣taken in the relation of the Serjeant. Ano∣ther time I framed a complaint to the Court, against the mules of the Presidents, Coun∣sellors and others, tending to this purpose, that when in the lower Court of the Pa∣lace, they left them to champ on their bridles: some bibs were made for them, that with their drivelling they might not spoile the pavement, to the end, that the Pages of the Palace might play upon it with their dice, or at the game of coxbody, at their own ease, without spoiling their breeches at the knees; and for this I had a faire decree, but it cost me deare. Now reckon up what expence I was at in little banquets, which from day to day I made to the Pages of the Palace, and to what end, said I? My friend (said he) thou hast no

passe-time at all in this world, I have more then the King, and if thou wilt joyne thy selfe with me, we will do the devil toge∣ther. No, no, (said I) by St. Adauras that will I not, for thou wilt be hanged one time or another: And thou (said he) wilt be interred somtime or other; now which is most honourable, the aire or the earth? Ho, grosse pecore, whilest the Pages are at their banqueting, I keep their mules, and to some one I cut the stirrup-leather of the mounting side, till it hang but by a thin strap or thread, that when the great puffe-guts of the Counsellor or some other hath taken his swing to get up, he may fall flat on his side like a pork, and so furnish the Spectators with more then a hundred francks worth of laughter. But I laugh yet further, to think how at his home-coming the Master-page is to be whipt like green rie, which makes me not to repent what I have bestowed in feasting them. In brief, he had (as I said before) threescore and three wayes to acquire mony, but he had two hundred and fourteen to spend it, besides his drinking.

CHAP. XVIII. How a great Scholar of England would have argued against Pantagruel, and was o∣vercome by Panurge.

IN that same time, a certain learned man, named Thaumast, hearing the fame and re∣nown of Pantagruels incomparable know∣ledge, came out of his own countrey of England, with an intent only to see him, to try thereby, and prove, whether his know∣ledge in effect was so great as it was reported to be. In this resolution, being arrived at Paris, he went forthwith unto the house of the said Pantagruel, who was lodged in the Palace of St. Denys, and was then walking in the garden thereof with Panurge, philosophi∣zing after the fashion of the Peripateticks. At his first entrance he startled, and was al∣most out of his wits for feare, seeing him so great, and so tall, then did he salute him cour∣teously as the manner is, and said unto him, Very true it is, (saith Plato the Prince of Phi∣losophers,) that if the image and knowledge of wisdom were corporeal and visible to the eyes of mortals, it would stirre up all the world to admire her: which we may the ra∣ther

beleeve, that the very bare report there∣of, scattered in the air, if it happen to be recei∣ved in to the eares of men, who for being stu∣dious, and lovers of vertuous things, are cal∣led Philosophers, doth not suffer them to sleep nor rest in quiet, but so pricketh them up, and sets them on fire, to run unto the place where the person is, in whom the said knowledge is said to have built her Temple, and uttered her Oracles, as it was manifestly shewen unto us in the Queen of Sheba, who came stom the utmost borders of the East and Persian sea, to see the order of Solomons house, and to heare his wisdom; in Anachar∣sis, who came out of Scythia, even unto A∣thens, to see Solon; in Pythagoras, who tra∣velled farre to visit the Memphitical Vatici∣nators; in Platon, who went a great way off to see the Magicians of Egypt, and Archit as of Tarentum; in Apollonius Tianeus, who went as farre as unto Mount Caucasus, passed along the Scythians, the Massagetes, the Indi∣ans, and sailed over the great river Phison, even to the Brachmans to see Hiarchas; as likewise unto Babybon, Chaldea, Media, As∣syria, Barthia, Syria, Phoenicia, Arabia, Pale∣stina and Alexandria, even unto Aethiopia, to see the Gymnosoph sts: the like example have we of Titus Livius, whom to see and heare, divers studious persons came to Rome, from the Consines of France and Spaine; I

dare not reckon my self in the number of those so excellent persons, but well would be called studious, and a lover, not only of learning, but of learned men also: and in∣deed, having heard the report of your so in∣estimable knowledge, I have left my coun∣trey, my friends, my kindred and my house, and am come thus farre, valuing at nothing the length of the way, the tediousnesse of the sea, nor strangenesse of the land, and that only to see you, and to conferre with you about some passages in Philosophy, of Geo∣mancie, and of the Cabalistick Art; whereof I am doubtful, and cannot satisfie my minde, which if you can resolve, I yield my self un∣to you for a slave henceforward, together with all my posterity; for other gift have I none, that I can esteem a recompence suffi∣cient for so great a favour: I will reduce them into writing, and to morrow publish them to all the learned men in the City, that we may dispute publickly before them.

But see in what manner, I mean that we shall dispute: I will not argue pro & contra, as do the sottish Sophisters of this town, and other places; likewise I will not dispute after the manner of the Academicks by declamati∣on: nor yet by numbers, as Pythagoras was wont to do, and as Picus de la mirandula did of late at Rome: but I will dispute by signes only without speaking, for the matters are so

abstruse, hard and arduous, that words pro∣ceeding from the mouth of man, will never be sufficient for unfolding of them to my li∣king. May it therefore please your Magnifi∣cence to be there, it shall be at the great Hall of Navarre at seven a clock in the morning. When he had spoke these words, Pantagruel very honourably said unto him, Sir, of the graces that God hath bestowed upon me, I would not deny to communicate unto any man to my power; for whatever comes from him is good, and his pleasure is, that it should be increased, when we come amongst men worthy and fit to receive this celestial Manna of honest literature: in which number, be∣cause that in this time (as I do already very plainly perceive,) thou holdest the first rank, I give thee notice that at all houres thou shalt finde me ready to condescend to every one of thy requests, according to my poor abili∣ty: although I ought rather to learn of thee, then thou of me, but as thou hast protested, we will conferre of these doubts together, and will seek out the resolution, even unto the bottom of that undrainable Well, where He∣raclitus sayes the truth lies hidden: and I do highly commend the manner of arguing which thou hast proposed, to wit, by signes with∣out speaking; for by this means thou and I shall understand one another well enough, and yet shall be free from this clapping of

hands, which these blockish Sophisters make, when any of the Arguers hath gotten the better of the Argument: Now to morrow I will not faile to meet thee at the place and houre that thou hast appointed, but let me intreat thee that there be not any strife or up∣roare between us, and that we seek not the honour and applause of men, but the truth only: to which Thaumast answered, The Lord God maintain you in his favour and grace, and instead of my thankfulnesse to you, poure down his blessings upon you, for that your Highnesse and magnificent greatnesse, hath not disdained to descend to the grant of the request of my poor basenesse, so farewel till to morrow? Farewel, said Pantagruel. Gentle∣men, you that read this present discourse, think not that ever men were more elevated and transported in their thoughts, then all this night were both Thaumast and Pantagruel; for the said Thaumast, said to the Keeper of the house of Cluny, where he was lodged, that in all his life he had never known himself so dry, as he was that night. I think (said he) that Pantagruel held me by the throat; Give order, I pray you, that we may have some drink, and see that some fresh water be brought to us, to gargle my palat: on the other side Pantagruel stretched his wits as high as he could, entring into very deep and seri∣ous meditations, and did nothing all that

night but dote upon, and turn over the book of Beda, de numeris & signis: Plotius book, de inenarrabilibus: the book of Proclus, de ma∣gia: the book of Artemidorus, 〈 in non-Latin alphabet 〉〈 in non-Latin alphabet 〉; of Anaxagaras, 〈 in non-Latin alphabet 〉〈 in non-Latin alphabet 〉; Dinatius, 〈 in non-Latin alphabet 〉〈 in non-Latin alphabet 〉; the books of Philistion: Hipponax, 〈 in non-Latin alphabet 〉〈 in non-Latin alphabet 〉: and a rabble of others, so long, that Panurge said unto him,

My Lord, leave all these thoughts and go to bed; for I perceive your spirits to be so troubled by a too intensive bending of them, that you may easily fall into some Quotidian Fever, with this so excessive thinking and plodding: but having first drunk five and twenty or thirty good draughts, retire your self and sleep your fill: for in the morning I will argue against, and answer my Master the Englishman; and if I drive him not ad metam non loqui, then call me Knave: Yea, but (said he) my friend Panurge, he is mar∣vellously learned, how wilt thou be able to answer him? Very well, (answered Panurge) I pray you talk no more of it, but let me a∣lone; is any man so learned as the devils are? No, indeed (said Pantagruel,) without Gods especial grace: Yet for all rhat (said Panurge) I have argued against them, gravel∣led and blanked them in disputation, and laid rhem so squat upon their tailes, that I have

made them look like Monkies; therefore be assured, that to morrow I will make this vain-glorious Englishman to skite vineger be∣fore all the world. So Panurge spent the night with tipling amongst the Pages, and played away all the points of his breeches at primus secundus, and at peck point (in French called Lavergette.) Yet when the condescended on time was come, he failed not to conduct his Master Pantagruel to the appointed place, un∣to which (beleeve me) there was neither great nor small in Paris but came; thinking with themselves that this devillish Pantagruel, who had overthrown and vanquished in dispute all these doting fresh-water Sophisters, would now get full payment and be tick∣led to some purpose; for this Englishman is a terrible bustler, and horrible coyle-keeper, we will see who will be Conquerour, for he never met with his match before.

Thus all being assembled, Thaumast stayed for them, and then when Pantagruel and Pa∣nurge came into the Hall, all the School-boyes, Professors of Arts, Senior-Sophisters and Batchelors began to clap their hands, as their scurvie custome is. But Pantagruel cri∣ed out with a loud voice, as if it had been the sound of a double canon, saying, Peace. with a devil to you, peace: by G—you rogues, if you trouble me here, I will cut off the heads of every one of you: at which words

they remained all daunted and astonished, like so many ducks, and durst not do so much as cough, although they had swallowed fif∣teen pounds of feathers: withal they grew so dry with this only voice, that they laid out their tongues a full half foot beyond their mouthes, as if Pantagruel had salted all their throats. Then began Panurge to speak, saying to the Englishman, Sir, are you come hither to dispute contentiously in those Pro∣positions you have set down, or otherwayes but to learn and know the truth? To which answered Thaumast, Sir, no other thing brought me hither, but the great desire I had to learn, and to know that of which I have doubted all my life long, and have neither found book nor man able to content me in the resolution of those doubts which I have proposed: and as for disputing contentiously, I will not do it, for it is too base a thing, and therefore leave it to those sottish Sophisters, who in their disputes do not search for the truth, but for contradiction only and debate. Then said Panurge, if I who am but a mean and inconsiderable disciple of my Master my Lord Pantagruel; content and satisfie you in all and every thing, it were a thing below my said Master, wherewith to trouble him: there∣fore is it fitter that he be Chair-man, and sit as a Judge and Moderator of our discourse and purpose, and give you satisfaction in ma∣ny

things, wherein perhaps I shall be want∣ing to your expectation. Truly (said Thau∣mast) it is very well said: begin then. Now you must note that Panurge had set at the end of his long Codpiece, a pretty tuft of red silk, as also of white, green and blew, and within it had put a faire orange.

CHAP. XIX. How Panurge put to a non-plus the English∣man, that argued by signes.

EVery body then taking heed, and heark∣ening with great silence, the Englishman lift up on high into the aire his two hands se∣verally, clunching in all the tops of his fin∣gers, together after the manner which (alachi∣nonnese) they call the hens arse, and struck the one hand on the other by the nailes foure se∣veral times: then he opening them, struck the one with the flat of the other, till it yielded a clashing noise, and that only once: again in joyning them as before he struck twice, and afterwards foure times in opening them; then did he lay them joyned, and ex∣tended the one towards the other, as if he had been devoutly to send up his prayers un∣to God. Panarge suddenly lifted up in the

aire his right hand, and put the thumb there∣of into the nostril of the same side, holding his foure fingers streight out, and closed or∣derly in a parallel line to the point of his nose, shutting the left eye wholly, and making the other wink with a profound depression of the eye-brows and eye-lids. Then lifted he up his left hand, with hard wringing and stretch∣ing forth his foure fingers, and elevating his thumb, which he held in a line directly correspondent to the situation of his right hand, with the distance of a cubit and a halfe between them. This done, in the same forme he abased towards the ground, both the one and the other hand; Lastly, he held them in the midst, as aiming right at the English mans nose: And if Mercurie, said the English man: there Panurge interrupted him, and said, You have spoken Mask.

Then made the English man this signe, his left hand all open he lifted up into the aire, then instantly shut into his fist the foure fin∣gers thereof, and his thumb extended at length he placed upon the gristle of his nose: Presently after, he lifted up his right hand all open, and all open abased and bent it down∣wards, putting the thumb thereof in the ve∣ry place where the little finger of the left hand did close in the fist, and the foure right hand fingers he softly moved in the aire: then contrarily he did with the right hand what he

had done with the left, and with the left what he had done with the right.

Panurge being not a whit amazed at this, drew out into the aire his Trismegist Codpiece with the left hand, and with his right drew forth a trunchion of a white oxe-rib, and two pieces of wood of a like forme, one of black eben, and the other of incarnation brasil, and put them betwixt the fingers of that hand in good symmetrie: then knocking them toge∣ther, made such a noise as the Lepers of Bri∣tanie use to do with their clappering click∣ets, yet better resounding, and farre more harmonious; and with his tongue contracted in his mouth, did very merrily warble it, al∣wayes looking fixedly upon the English man. The Divines, Physicians and Chirurgions that were there, thought that by this signe he would have inferred that the English man was a Leper: the Counsellors, Lawyers and Decretalists conceived, that by doing this he would have concluded some kinde of mor∣tal felicity to consist in Leprosie, as the Lord maintained heretofore,

The English man for all this was nothing daunted, but holding up his two hands in the aire, kept them in such forme, that he closed the three master-fingers in his fist, and pas∣sing his thumbs thorough his indical, or fore∣most and middle fingers, his auricularie or little fingers remained extended and stretch∣ed

out, and so presented he them to Panurge; then joyned he them so, that the right thumb touched the left, and the left little finger touched the right. Hereat Panurge, without speaking one word, lift up his hands and made this signe.

He put the naile of the forefinger of his left hand, to the naile of the thumb of the same, making in the middle of the distance as it were a buckle, and of his right hand shut up all the fingers into his fist, except the forefinger which he often thrust in and out through the said two others of the left hand: then stretched he out the forefinger, and middle finger or medical of his right hand, holding them asunder as much as he could, and thrusting them towards Thaumast. Then did he put the thumb of his left hand upon the corner of his left eye, stretching out all his hand like the wing of a bird, or the finne of a fish, and moving it very daintily this way and that way, he did as much with his right hand upon the corner of his right eye. Thau∣mast began then to waxe somewhat pale, and to tremble, and made him this signe.

With the middle finger of his right hand, he struck against the muscle of the palme or pulp, which is under the thumb: then put he the forefinger of the right hand in the like buckle of the left, but he put it under and not over, as Panurge did. Then Panurge knock∣ed

one hand against another, and blowed in his palme and put again the forefinger of his right hand into the overture or mouth of the left, pulling it often in and out; then held he out his chinne, most intentively looking up∣on Thaumast. The people there which under∣stood nothing in the other signes, knew ve∣ry well what therein he demanded (without speaking a word to Thaumast,) What do you mean by that? In effect, Thaumast then be∣gan to sweat great drops, and seemed to all the Spectators a man strangely ravished in high contemplation. Then he bethought himself, and put all the nailes of his left hand against those of his right, opening his fin∣gers as if they had been semicircles, and with this signe lift up his hands as high as he could. Whereupon Panurge presently put the thumb of his right hand under his jawes, and the little finger thereof in the mouth of the left hand, and in this posture made his teeth to sound very melodiously, the upper against the lower. With this Thaumast with great toile and vexation of spirit rose up, but in rising let a great bakers fart, for the bran came after, and pissing withal very strong vi∣neger, stunk like all the devils in hell: the company began to stop their noses; for he had conskited himself with meer anguish and perplexity. Then lifted he up his right hand, clunching it in such sort, that he brought the

ends of all his fingers to meet together, and his left hand he laid flat upon his breast: whereat Panurge drew out his long Codpiece with his tuffe, and stretched it forth a cubit and a half, holding it in the aire with his right hand, and with his left took out his orange, and casting it up into the aire seven times, at the eight he hid it in the fist of his right hand, holding it steadily up on high, and then be∣gan to shake his faire Codpiece, shewing it to Thaumast.

After that Thaumast began to puffe up his two cheeks like a player on a bagpipe, and blew as if he had been to puffe np a pigs blad∣der; whereupon Panurge put one finger of his left hand in his nockandrow, by some cal∣led St. Patricks hole, and with his mouth suck't in the aire, in such a manner as when one eats oysters in the shell, or when we sup up our broth; this done, he opened his mouth somewhat, and struck his right hand flat upon it, making therewith a great and a deep sound, as if it came from the superficies of the midriffe through the trachiartere or pipe of the lungs, and this he did for sixteen times; but Thaumast did alwayes keep blow∣ing like a goose. Then Panurge put the fore∣finger of his right hand into his mouth, pres∣sing it very hard to the muscles thereof; then he drew it out, aud withal made a great noise, as when little boyes shoot pellets out

of the pot-canons made of the hollow sticks of the branch of an aulder-tree, and he did it nine times.

Then Thaumast cried out, Ha, my Ma∣sters, a great secret; with this he put in his hand up to the elbow; then drew out a dag∣ger that he had, holding it by the point down∣wards; whereat Panurge took his long Cod∣piece, and shook it as hard as he could against his thighes; then put his two hands intwined in manner of a combe upon his head, laying out his tongue as farre as he was able; and turning his eyes in his head, like a goat that is ready to die. Ha, I understand (said Thau∣mast) but what? making such a signe, that he put the haft of his dagger against his breast, and upon the point thereof the flat of his hand, turning in a little the ends of his fin∣gers; whereat Panurge held down his head on the left side, and put his middle fin∣ger into his right eare, holding up his thumb bolt upright; then he crost his two armes upon his breast, and coughed five times, and at the fifth time he struck his right foot a∣gainst the ground: then he lift up his left arme, and closing all his fingers into his fist, held his thumbe against his forehead, striking with his right hand six times against his breast. But Thaumast, as not content therewith, put the thumb of his left hand upon the top of his nose, shutting the rest of his said hand:

whereupon Panurge set his two Master-fin∣gers upon each side of his mouth, drawing it as much as he was able, and widening it so, that he shewed all his teeth: and with his two thumbs pluck't down his two eye-lids very low, making therewith a very ill-favour'd countenance, as it seemed to the com∣pany.

CHAP. XX. How Thaumast relateth the vertues, and know∣ledge of Panurge.

THen Thaumast rose up, and putting off his cap, did very kindly thank the said Panurge, and with a loud voice said unto all the people that were there, My Lords, Gentlemen and others, at this time may I to some good purpose speak that Evangelical word, Et ecce plus quàm Salomon hîc: You have here in your presence an incomparable trea∣sure, that is, my Lord Pantagruel, whose great renown hath brought me hither, out of the very heart of England, to conferre with him about the insoluble problemes, both in Magick, Alchymie, the Caballe, Geomancie, Astrologie and Philosophie, which I had in my minde: but at present I am angry, even with

fame it self, which I think was envious to him, for that it did not declare the thou∣sandth part of the worth that indeed is in him: You have seen how his disciple only hath satisfied me, and hath told me more then I asked of him: besides, he hath opened unto me, and resolved other inestimable doubts, wherein I can assure you he hath to me discovered the very true Well, Fountain and Abysse of the Encyclopedeia of learning; yea in such a sort, that I did not think I should ever have found a man that could have made his skill appear, in so much as the first elements of that concerning which we disputed by signes, without speaking either word or half word. But in fine, I will reduce into writing that which we have said and con∣cluded, that the world may not take them to be fooleries, and will thereafter cause them to be printed, that every one may learne as I have done. Judge then what the Master had been able to say, seeing the disciple hath done so valiantly; for, Non est discipulus su∣per Magistrum. Howsoever God be praised, and I do very humbly thank you, for the ho∣nour that you have done us at this Act: God reward you for it eternally: the like thanks gave Pantagruel to all the company, and go∣ing from thence, he carried Thaumast to din∣ner with him, and beleeve that they drank as much as their skins could hold, or, as the

phrase is, with unbottoned bellies, (for in that age they made fast their bellies with buttons, as we do now the colars of our doublets or jerkins) even till they neither knew where they were, nor whence they came. Blessed Lady, how they did ca∣rouse it, and pluck (as we say) at the Kids leather: and flaggons to trot, and they to toote, Draw, give (page) some wine here reach hither, fill with a devil, so? There was not one but did drink five and twenty or thirty pipes, can you tell how? even Sicut terra sine aqua; for the weather was hot, and besides, that they were very dry. In matter of the exposition of the Propositi∣ons set down by Thaumast: and the signisi∣cation of the signes which they used in their disputation, I would have set them down for you according to their own relation: but I have been told that Thaumast made a great book of it imprinted at London, where∣in he hath set down all without omitting any thing, and therefore at this time I do passe by it.

CHAP. XXI. How Panutge was in love with a Lady of Paris.

PAnurge began to be in great reputation in the City of Paris, by means of this dis∣putation, wherein he pre vailed against the English man, and from thenceforth made his Codpiece to be very useful to him, to which effect he had it pinked with pretty little Em∣broideries after the Romanesca fashion; And the world did praise him publickly, in so farre that there was a song made of him, which little children did use to sing, when they went to fetch mustard: he was withal made wel∣come in all companies of Ladies and Gentle∣women, so that at last he became presumptu∣ous, and went about to bring to his lure one of the greatest Ladies in the City: and in∣deed leaving a rabble of long prologues and protestations, which ordinarily these dolent contemplative Lent-lovers make, who ne∣ver meddle with the flesh; one day he said un∣to her, Madam; it would be a very great be∣nefit to the Common-wealth, delightful to you, honourable to your progeny, and ne∣cessary for me, that I cover you for the pro∣pagating

of my race, and beleeve it, for ex∣perience will teach it you: the Lady at this word thrust him back above a hundred leagues, saying, You mischievous foole, is it for you to talk thus unto me? whom do you think you have in hand? be gone, ne∣ver to come in my sight again; for if one thing were not, I would have your legs and armes cut off. Well, (said he) that were all one to me, to want both legs and armes, pro∣vided you and I had but one merry bout to∣gether, at the brangle buttock-game; for here within is (in shewing her his long Cod∣piece) Master John Thursday, who will play you such an Antick, that you shall feel the sweetnesse thereof even to the very mar∣row of your bones: He is a gallant, and doth so well know how to finde out all the corners, creeks and ingrained inmates in your carnal trap, that after him there needs no broom, he'l sweep so well before, and leave nothing to his followers to work upon: whereunto the Lady answered, Go, villain, go, if you speak to me one such word more, I will cry out, and make you to be knocked down with blowes. Ha, (said he) you are not so bad as you say, no, or else I am de∣ceived in your physiognomie, for sooner shall the earth mount up unto the Heavens, and the highest Heavens descend unto the Hells, and all the course of nature be quite

perverted, then that in so great beauty and neatnesse as in you is, there should be one drop of gall or malice: they say indeed, that hardly shall a man ever see a faire woman that is not also stubborn: yet that is spoke only of those vulgar beauties, but yours is so ex∣cellent, so singular, and so heavenly, that I beleeve nature hath given it you as a para∣gon, and master-piece of her Art, to make us know what she can do, when she will imploy all her skill, and all her power. There is no∣thing in you but honey, but sugar, but a sweet and celestial Manna: to you it was, to whom Paris ought to have adjudged the golden Apple, not to Venus, no, nor to Ju∣no, nor to Minerva; for never was there so much magnificence in Juno, so much wis∣dom in Minerva, nor so much comelinesse in Venus, as there is in you. O heavenly gods and goddesses! how happy shall that man be to whom you will grant the favour to embrace her, to kisse her, and to rub his bacon with hers? by G—that shall be I, I know it well; for she loves me already her belly full, I am sure of it, and so was I predestinated to it by the Fairies: and therefore that we lose no time, put on, thrust out your gamons, and would have embraced her, but she made as if she would put out her head at the window, to call her neighbours for help. Then Panurge on a sudden ran out, and in his running away,

said, Madam, stay here till I come again, I will go call them my self, do not you take so much paines: thus went he away not much caring for the repulse he had got, nor made he any whit the worse cheer for it. The next day he came to the Church, at the time that she went to Masse, at the door he gave her some▪ of the holy water, bowing himself ve∣ry low before her, afterwards he kneeled down by her very familiarly, and said unto her, Madam, know that I am so amorous of you, that I can neither pisse nor dung for love: I do not know (Lady,) what you mean, but if I should take any hurt by it, how much would you be too blame? Go, said she, go, I do not care, let me alone to say my prayers. I but (said he) equivocate upon this; a Beau∣mon le viconte, or to faire mount the pric∣cunts: I cannot, said she: It is, said he, a beau con le vit monte, or to a faire C... the pr... mounts: and upon this pray to God to give you that which your noble heart desireth, and I pray you give me these patenotres. Take them (said she) & trouble me no longer: this done, she would have taken off her pate∣notres, which were made of a kinde of yel∣low stone called Cestrin, and adorned with great spots of gold, but Panurge nimbly drew out one of his knives, wherewith he cut them off very handsomly, and whilest he was going away to carry them to the Brokers, he

said to her, Will you have my knife? No, no, said she: But (said he) to thepurpose, I am at your commandment, body and goods, tripes and bowels.

In the mean time, the Lady was not very well content with the want of her patinotres; for they were one of her implements to keep her countenance by in the Church: then thought with her self, this bold flowting Roy∣ster, is some giddy, fantastical, light-headed foole of a strange countrey; I shall never re∣cover my patenotres again, what will my husband say, he will no doubt be angry with me; but I will tell him that a thief hath cut them off from my hands in the Church, which he will easily beleeve, seeing the end of the riban left at my girdle. After dinner Pa∣nurge went to see her carrying in his sleeve a great purse full of Palace-crowns called counters, and began to say unto her, Which of us two loveth other best, you me, or I you? whereunto she answered, As for me, I do not hate you; for as God commands, I love all the world: But to the purpose, (said he) are not you in love with me? I have (said she) told you so many times already, that you should talk so no more to me, and if you speak of it again, I will teach you, that I am not one to be talked unto dishonestly: get you hence packing, and deliver me my pate∣notres, that my husband may not ask me for them.

How now, (Madam) said he, your pate∣notres? nay, by mine oath I will not do so, but I will give you others; had you rather have them of gold well enameled in great round knobs, or after the manner of love-knots, or otherwise all massive, like great in∣gots, or if you had rather have them of Ebene, of Jacinth, or of grained gold, with the marks of fine Turkoises, or of faire Topazes, marked with fine Saphirs, or of baleu Rubies, with great marks of Diamonds of eight and twenty squares? No, no, all this is too little; I know a faire bracelet of fine Emeraulds, marked with spotted Ambergris, and at the buckle a Persian pearle as big as an Orange: it will not cost above five and twenty thousand ducates, I will make you a present of it, for I have rea∣dy coine enough, and withal he made a noise with his counters as if they had been French Crownes.

Will you have a piece of velvet, either of the violet colour, or of crimson died in graine: or a piece of broached or crimson sattin? will you have chaines, gold, tablets, rings? You need no more but say, Yes, so farre as fifty thousand ducates may reach, it is but as nothing to me; by the vertue of which words he made the water come in her mouth: but she said unto him, No, I thank you, I will have nothing of you. By G—said he, but I will have somewhat of you; yet shall

it be that which shall cost you nothing, nei∣ther shall you have a jot the lesse, when you have given it, hold, (shewing his long Cod∣piece) this is Master John Good fellow, that askes for lodging, and with that would have embraced her; but she began to cry out, yet not very loud. Then Panurge put off his counterfeit garb, changed his false visage, and said unto her, You will not then otherwayes let me do a little, a turd for you, you do not deserve so much good, nor so much honour: but by G—I will make the dogs ride you, and with this he ran away as fast as he could, for feare of blowes, whereof he was natural∣ly fearful.

CHAP. XXII. How Panurge served a Parisian Lady a trick that pleased her not very well.

NOw you must note that the next day was the great festival of Corpus Christi, called the Sacre, wherein all women put on their best apparel, and on that day the said Lady was cloathed in a rich gown of crimson sattin, under which she wore a very costly white velvet petticoat.

The day of the Eve (called the vigile▪

Panurge searched so long of one side and an∣other, that he found a hot or salt bitch, which when he had tied her with his girdle, he led to his chamber, and fed her very well all that day and night; in the morning thereafter he killed her, and took that part of her which the Greek Geomanciers know, and cut it in∣to several pieces as small as he could; then carrying it away as close as might be, he went to the place where the Lady was to come a∣long, to follow the Procession, as the cu∣stome is upon the said holy day; and when she came in, Panurge sprinkled some holy wa∣ter on her, saluting her very courteously: then a little while after she had said her petty devo∣tions, he sate down close by her upon the same bench, and gave her this roundlay in writing, in manner as followeth.

A Roundlay.

For this one time, that I to you my love Discovered, you did too cruel prove To send me packing, hopelesse, and so soon, Who never any wrong to you had done In any kinde of action, word or thought: So that if my suit lik'd you not, you ought T' have spoke more civilly, and to this sense, My friend, be pleased to depart from hence For this one time.

What hurt do I to wish you to remark With favour and compassion how a spark Of your great beauty hath inflam'd my heart With deep affection, and that for my part, I only ask that you with me would dance The brangle gay in feats of dalliance

For this one time.

And as she was opening this paper to see what it was, Panurge very promptly and lightly scattered the drug that he had, upon her in divers places, but especially in the plaits of her sleeves, and of her gowne: then said he unto her, Madam, the poor lovers are not alwayes at ease; as for me, I hope that those heavy nights, those paines and trou∣bles which I suffer for love of you, shall be a deduction to me of so much paine in Purgatory: yet at the least pray to God to give me patience in my misery. Panurge had no sooner spoke this, but all the dogs that were in the Church came running to this Lady with the smell of the drugs that he had strowed upon her, both small and great, big and little, all came, laying out their member; smelling to her, and pissing every where up∣on her, it was the greatest villainy in the world. Panurge made the fashion of dri∣ving them away: then took his leave of her, and withdrew himself into some Chappel or

Oratory of the said Church, to see the sport; for these villainous dogs did compisse all her habiliaments, and left none of her attire un∣besprinkled with their staling, in so much that a tall grey-hound pist upon her head, others in her sleeves, others on her crupper-piece, and the little ones pissed upon her pa∣taines: so that all the women that were round about her had much ado to save her. Whereat Panurge very heartily laughing, he said to one of the Lords of the City, I beleeve that the same Lady is hot, or else that some grey-hound hath covered her lately. And when he saw that all the dogs were flocking about her, yarring at the retardment of their accesse to her, and every way keeping such a coyle with her, as they are wont to do about a proud or salt bitch, he forthwith departed from thence, and went to call Pantagruel: not forgetting in his way alongst all the streets, thorough which he went, where he found any dogs to give them a bang with his foot, saying, Will you not go with your fellowes to the wed∣ding? Away, hence, avant, avant, with a de∣vil avant: And being come home, he said to Pantagruel, Master, I pray you come and see all the dogs of the countrey, how they are as∣sembled about a Lady, the fairest in the City, and would dufle and line her; whereunto Pantagruel willingly condescended, and saw the mystery, which he found very pretty and

strange: But the best was at the Procession, in which were seen above six hundred thou∣sand and fourteen dogs about her, which did very much trouble and molest her, and whithersoever she past, those dogs that came afresh, tracing her footsteps, followed her at the heeles, and pist in the way where her gown had touched. All the world stood ga∣zing at this spectacle, considering the coun∣tenance of those dogs, who leaping up got about her neck, and spoiled all her gorgeous accoutrements, for the which she could finde no remedy, but to retire unto her house, which was a Palace: Thither she went, and the dogs after her; she ran to hide her self, but the Chamber-maids could not abstaine from laughing. When she was entered into the house, and had shut the door upon her self, all the dogs came running, of halfe a league round, and did so well bepisse the gate of her house, that there they made a stream with their urine, wherein a duck might have very well swimmed, and it is the same current that now runs at St. Victor, in which Gobelin dieth scarlet, for the specifical vertue of these pisse-dogs, as our Master Doribus did heretofore preach publickly. So may God help you; a Mill would have ground corne with it; yet not so much as those of Basacle at Toulouse.

CHAP. XXIII. How Pantagruel departed from Paris, hearing newes, that the Dipsodes had invaded the Land of the Amaurots: and the cause wherefore the leagues are so short in France.

A Little while after Pantagruel heard newes that his father Gargantua had been translated into the land of the Fairies by Morgue, as heretofore were Oger and Arthur together, and that the report of his transla∣tion being spread abroad, the Dipsodes had is∣sued out beyond their borders, with inrodes had wasted a great part of Utopia, and at that very time had besieged the great City of the Amaurots; whereupon departing from Paris, without bidding any man farewel, for the businesse required diligence, he came to Rowen.

Now Pantagruel in his journey, seeing that the leagues of that little territory about Pa∣ris called France, were very short in regard of those of other Countreys, demanded the cause and reason of it from Panurge, who told him a story which Marotus set down of the lac Monachus, in the acts of the Kings of Ca∣narre,

saying, that in old times Countreys were not distinguished into leagues, miles, furlongs, nor parasanges, until that King Pharamond divided them, which was done in manner as followeth. The said King chose at Paris a hundred faire, gallant, lustie, briske young men, all resolute and bold adventu∣rers in Cupids duels, together with a hundred comely, pretty, handsome, lovely and well complexioned wenches of Picardie, all which he caused to be well entertained, and highly fed for the space of eight dayes; then having called for them, he delivered to every one of the young men his wench, with store of money to defray their charges, and this in∣junction besides, to go unto divers places here and there, and wheresoever they should biscot and thrum their wenches, that thy setting a stone there, it should be accounted for a league: thus went away those brave fel∣lows and sprightly blades most merrily, and because they were fresh, and had been at rest, they very oftenjum'd and fanfreluched almost at every sields end, and this is the cause why the leagues about Paris are so short; but when they had gone a great way, and were now as weary as poor devils, all the oile▪ in their lamps being almost spent, they did not chink and dufle so often, but content∣ed themselves, (I mean for the mens part,) with one scurvie paultry bout in a day, and

this is that which makes the leagues in Bri∣tany, Delanes, Germany, and other more remote Countreys so long: other men give other reasons for it, but this seems to me of all other the best. To which Panta∣gruel willingly adhered. Parting from Rowen, they arrived at Honfleur, where they took shipping, Pantagruel, Panurge, Epistemon, Eust∣henes and Carpalim.

In which place, waiting for a favourable winde, and caulking their ship, he received from a Lady of Paris (which I had former∣ly kept, and entertained a good long time,) a letter directed on the out-side thus, To the best beloved of the faire women, and least loyal of the valiant men,

PNTGRL.

CHAP. XXIV. A Letter which a messenger brought to Pan∣tagruel from a Lady of Paris, together with the exposition of a Posie, writ∣ten in a gold Ring.

WHen Pantagruel had read the super∣scription, he was much amazed, and therefore demanded of the said messenger

the name of her that had sent it: then open∣ed he the letter, and found nothing written in it, nor otherwayes inclosed, but only a gold ring, with a square table-diamond. Wondering at this, he called Panurge to him, and shewed him the case; whereupon Panurge told him, thar the leafe of paper was written upon, but with such cunning and ar∣tifice▪ that no man could see the writing at the first sight, therefore to finde it out he set it by the fire, to see if it was made with Sal Armoniack soaked in water; then put he it into the water, to see if the letter was written with the juice of Tithymalle: after that he held it up against the candle, to see if it was written with the juice of white onions.

Then he rubbed one part of it with oile of nuts, to see if it were not written with the lee of a fig-tree: and another part of it with the milk of a woman giving suck to her el∣dest daughter, to see if it was written with the blood of red toads, or green earth-frogs: Afterwards he rubbed one corner with the ashes of a Swallowes nest, to see if it were not written with the dew that is found within the herb Alcakengie, called the winter-cherry. He rubbed after that one end with eare-wax, to see if it were not written with the gall of a Raven: then did he dip it into vineger, to try if it was not written with the juice of the garden Spurge: After that he greased it with

the fat of a bat or flittermouse, to see if it was not written with the sperm of a whale, which some call ambergris: Then put it ve∣ry fairly into a basin full of fresh water, and forthwith took it out, to see whether it were written with stone allum: But after all expe∣riments, when he perceived that he could finde out nothing, he called the messenger, and asked him, Good fellow, the Lady that sent thee hither, did she not give thee a staffe to bring with thee? thinking that it had been according to the conceit, whereof Aulus Gel∣lius maketh mention, and the Messenger an∣swered him, No, Sir. Then Panurge would have caused his head to be shaven, to see whe∣ther the Lady had written upon his bald pate, with the hard lie whereof sope is made, that which she meant; but perceiving that his hair was very long, he forbore, considering that it could not have grown to so great a length in so short a time.

Then he said to Pantagruel, Master, by the vertue of G—I cannot tell what to do nor say in it; for to know whether there be any thing written upon this or no; I have made use of a good part of that which Master Fran∣cisco di Nianto, the Tuscan sets down, who hath written the manner of reading letters that do not appear; that which Zoroastes published, peri grammaton acriton; and Cal∣phurnius Bassus de literis illegibilibus: but I

can see nothing, nor do I beleeve that there is any thing else in it then the Ring: let us therefore look upon it, which when they had done, they found this in Hebrew written with∣in, Lamach sabathani; whereupon they called Epistemon, and asked him what that meant? to which he answered, that they were He∣brew words, signifying, Wherefore hast thou forsaken me? upon that Panurge suddenly re∣plied: I know the mystery, do you see this diamond? it is a false one; this then is the exposition of that which the Lady meanes, Diamant faux, that is, false lover, why hast thou forsaken me? which interpretation Pan∣tagruel presently understood, and withal re∣membering, that at his departure he had not bid the Lady farewel, he was very sorry, and would faine have returned to Paris, to make his peace with her; but Epistemon put him in minde of Aeneas's departure from Dido, and the saying of Heraclitus of Tarentum, That the ship being at anchor when need re∣quireth, we must cut the cable rather then lose time about untying of it, and that he should lay aside all other thoughts to succour the City of his Nativity, which was then in dan∣ger; and indeed within an houre after that, the winde arose at the North-north-west, wherewith they hoised saile, and put out, even into the maine sea, so that within few dayes, passing by Porto Sancto, and by the Maderas,

they went ashore in the Canarie islands; part∣ing from thence, they passed by Capobianco; by Senege, by Capoverde, by Gambre, by Sa∣gres, by Melli, by the Cap di buona Speranza, and set ashore againe in the Kingdom of Melinda; parting from thencc, they sailed a∣way with a tramoutan or northerly winde, passing by Meden, by Uti, by Uden, by Ge∣lasim, by the isles of the Fairies, and alongst the Kingdome of Achorie, till at last they arrived at the port of Utopia, distant from the City of the Amaurots three leagues and somewhat more.

When they were ashore; and pretty well refreshed, Panurge said, Gentlemen, the City is not farre from hence, therefore were it not amisse before we set forward, to advise well what is to be done, that we be not like the A∣thenians, who never took counsel until after the fact: Are you resolved to live and die with me? Yes, Sir, said they all, and be as confi∣dent of us, as of your own fingers. Well (said he) there is but one thing that keeps my minde in great doubt and suspense, which is this, that I know not in what order nor of what number the enemie is, that layeth siege to the City; for if I were certain of that, I should go forward, and set on with the bet∣ter assurance. Let us therefore consult toge∣ther, and be think our selves by what meanes we may come to this intelligence: where∣unto

they all said, Let us go thither and see, and stay you here for us, for this very day, without further respite do we make account to bring you a certain report thereof.

My self (said Panurge) will undertake to enter into their camp, within the very midst of their guards, unespied by their watch, and merrily feast and lecher it at their cost, with∣out being known of any, to see the Artille∣ry and the Tents of all the Captaines, and thrust my self in with a grave and magni∣fick carriage, amongst all their troops and companies, without being discovered; the devill would not be able to peck me out with all his circumventions: for I am of the race of Zopyrus.

And I (said Epistemon) know all the plots and stratagems of the valiant Captaines, and warlike Champions of former ages, together with all the tricks and subtilties of the Art of warre; I will go, and though I be detected and revealed, I will escape, by making them beleeve of you whatever I please, for I am of the race of Sinon.

I (said Eusthenes) will enter and set upon them in their trenches, in spight of their Sentries, and all their guards; for I will tread upon their bellies, and break their legs and armes, yea though they were every whit as strong as the devil himself; for I am of the race of Heroules.

And I (said Carpalin) will get in there, if the birds can enter, for I am so nimble of body, and light withal, that I shall have leap∣ed over their trenches, and ran clean through all their camp, before that they perceive me; neither do I feare shot, nor arrow; nor horse, how swift soever, were he the Pega∣sus of Persee, or Pacolet; being assured that I shall be able to make a safe and sound escape before them all, without any hurt: I will undertake to walk upon the eares of corne, or grasse in the meddows, without making ei∣ther of them do so much as bow under me; for I am of the race of Camilla the Ama-Zone.

CHAP. XXV. How Panurge, Carpalin, Eusthenes and E∣pistemon (the Gentlemen Attendants of Pantagruel,) vanquished and discom∣fited six hundred and threescore horsemen very cunningly.

AS he was speaking this, they perceived six hundred and threescore light horse∣men, gallantly mounted, who made an out-rode thither, to see what ship it was that was newly arrived in the harbour, and came in a

full gallop to take them if they had been able: Then said Pantagruel, my Lads, re∣tire your selves unto the ship, here are some of our enemies coming apace, but I will kill them here before you like beasts, although they were ten times so many, in the meane time withdraw your selves, and take your sport at it. Then answered Panurge, No, Sir, there is no reason that you should do so, but on the contrary retire you unto the ship, both you and the rest; for I alone will here discomfit them, but we must not linger, come, set forward; whereunto the others said, It is well advised, Sir, withdraw your self, and we will help Panurge here, so shall you know what we are able to do: Then said Pantagruel, Well, I am content, but if that you be too weak, I will not faile to come to your assistance. With this Panurge took two great cables of the ship, and tied them to the kemstock or capstane which was on the deck towards the hatches, and fastened them in the ground, making a long circuit, the one further off, the other within that. Then said he to Epistemon, Go aboard the ship, and when I give you a call, turn about the capstane upon the orlop diligently, drawing unto you the two cable-ropes: and said to Eusthenes, and to Carpalin, My Bullies, stay you here, and offer your selves freely to your enemies, do as they bid you, and make as if you would

yield unto them: but take heed you come not within the compasse of the ropes, be sure to keep your selves free of them; and presently he went aboard the ship, and took a bundle of straw, and a barrel of gun-pow∣der, strowed it round about the compasse of the cordes, and stood by with a brand of fire or match lighted in his hand. Presently came the horsemen with great fury, and the foremost ran almost home to the ship, and by reason of the slipperinesse of the bank, they fell they and their horses, to the num∣ber of foure and fourty, which the rest see∣ing, came on, thinking that resistance had been made them at theit arrival: But Pa∣nurge said unto them, My Masters, I be∣leeve that you have hurt your selves, I pray you pardon us, for it is not our fault, but the slipperinesse of the sea-water, that is alwayes flowing; we submit our selves to your good pleasure; so said likewise his two other fel∣lowes, and Epistemon that was upon the deck; in the mean time Panurge withdrew himselfe, and seeing that they were all within the com∣passe of the cables, and that his two compa∣nions were retired, making room for all those horses which came in a croud, thronging up∣on the neck of one another to see the ship, and such as were in it cried out on a sudden to Epistemon, Draw, draw: then began E∣pistemon to winde about the capstane, by do∣ing

whereof the two cables so intangled and impestered the legs of the horses, that they were all of them thrown down to the ground easily, together with their Riders: but they seeing that, drew their swords, and would have cut them: whereupon Panurge set fire to the traine, and there burnt them up all like damned souls, both men and horses, not one escaping save one alone, who being mounted on a fleet Turkie courser, by meere speed in flight got himself out of the circle of the ropes; but when Carpalin perceived him, he ran after him with such nimblenesse and celerity, that he overtook him in lesse then a hundred paces; then leaping close behinde him upon the crupper of his horse, clasped him in his armes, and brought him back to the ship.

This exploit being ended Pantagruel was very jovial, and wondrously commended the industry of these Gentlemen, whom he called his fellow-souldiers, and made them re∣fresh themselves, and feed well and merrily upon the sea-shore, and drink heartily with their bellies upon the ground, and their pri∣soner with them, whom they admitted to that familiarity: only that the poor devil was somewhat afraid that Pantagruel would have eaten him up whole, which, considering the widenesse of his mouth, and capacity of his throat, was no great matter for him to

have done; for he could have done it, as ea∣sily as you would eate a small comfit, he shewing no more in his throat, then would a graine of millet-seed in the mouth of an Asse.

CHAP. XXVI. How Pantagruel and his company were weary in eating still salt meats: and how Car∣palin went a hunting to have some Venison.

THus as they talked & chatted together, Carpalin said, And by the belly of St. Quenet, shal we never eat any venison? this salt meat makes me horribly dry, I will go fetch you a quarter of one of those horses which we have burnt, it is well roasted already: as he was rising up to go about it, he perceived under the side of a wood a fair great roe-buck, which was come out of his Fort (as I conceive) at the sight of Panurge's fire: him did he pur∣sue and run after with as much vigour and swiftnesse, as if it had been a bolt out of a Crossebowe, and caught him in a moment; and whilest he was in his course, he with his hands took in the aire foure great bustards, seven bitterns, six and twenty gray partridges,

two and thirty red legged ones, sixteen phea∣sants, nine woodcocks, nineteen herons, two and thirty coushots and ring-doves; and with his feet killed ten or twelve hares and rab∣bets, which were then at relief and pretty big withal, eighteen rayles in a knot toge∣ther, with fifteen young wilde boares, two little Bevers, and three great foxes: so stri∣king the Kid with his fauchion athwart the head he killed him, and bearing him on his back, he in his return took up his hares, rayls, and young wilde boares and as far off as he could be heard, cried out, & said, Panurge my friend, vineger, vineger: then the good Pan∣tagruel, thinking he had fainted, commanded them to provide him some vineger; but Pa∣nurge knew well that there was some good prey in hands, and forthwith shewed unto noble Pantagruel how he was bearing upon his back a faire roe-buck, and all his girdle bordered with hares; then immediately did Epistemon make in the name of the nine Mu∣ses, nine antick wooden spits: Eusthenes did help to flay, and Panurge placed two great cuirasier saddles, in such sort that they served for Andirons and making their prisoner to be their Cook, they roasted their venison by the fire, wherein the horsemen were burnt: and making great chear with a good deal of vineger, the devil a one of them did forbear from his victuals, it was a triumphant and

incomparable spectacle to see how they ra∣vened and devoured. Then said Pantagruel, Would to God every one of you had two paires of little Anthem or Sacring bells hang∣ing at your chin, and that I had at mine the great clocks of Renes, of Poitiers, of Tours, and of Cambray, to see what a peale they would ring with the wagging of our chaps; But, said Panurge, it were better we thought a little up∣on our businesse, and by what meanes we might get the upper hand of our enemies: That is well remembered, said Pantagruel; therefore spoke he thus to the prisoner, My friend, tell us here the truth, and do not lie to us at all, if thou wouldest not be flayed a∣live, for it is I that eat the little children: re∣late unto us at full the order, the number and the strength of the Army: to which the pri∣soner answered, Sir, know for a truth that in the army there are three hundred giants, all armed with armour of proof, and wonderful great: neverthelesse, not fully so great as you, except one that is their head, named Loup-garou, who is armed from head to foot with Cyclopical annuils; furthermore, one hundred threescore and three thousand foot, all armed with the skins os hobgoblins, strong and valiant men: eleven thousand foure hun∣dred men at armes or cuirasiers: three thou∣sand six hundred double canons, and harque∣busiers without number; fourescore and

fourteen thousand Pioneers: one hundred and fifty thousand whores, faire like goddes∣ses, (that is, for me said Panurge,) whereof some are Amazons, some Lionnoises, others Parisiennes, Taurangelles, Angevines, Poicte∣vines, Normandes, and high dutch, there are of them of all Countreys, and all Lan∣guages,

Yea, but (said Pantagruel) is the King there? Yes Sir, (said the prisoner) he is there in person, and we call him Anarchus, King of the Dipsodes, which is as much to say as thirsty people, for you never saw men more thirsty, nor more willing to drink, and his tent is guarded by the Giants: It is e∣nough (said Pantagruel) come brave boyes, are you resolved to go with me? To which Panurge answered, God confound him that leaves you: I have already bethought my self how I will kill them all like pigs, and so, that the devil one leg of them shall escape: but I am somewhat troubled about one thing: And what is that? said Pantagruel: It is (said Pa∣nurge) how I shall be able to set forward to the jusling and bragmardising of all the whores that be there this afternoon, in such sort, that there escape not one unbumped by me, breasted and jum'd after the ordinary fa∣shion of man and woman, in the Venetian conflict. Ha, ha, ha, ha, said Pantagruel.

And Carpalin said; The devil take these

sink-holes, if by G—I do not bumbast some one of them: Then said Eusthenes, What shall not I have any, whose paces since we came from Rowen, were never so well winded up, as that my needle could mount to ten or eleven a clock till now, that I have it hard, stiffe and strong, like a hundred de∣vils? Truly, (said Panurge,) thou shalt have of the fattest, and of those that are most plump, and in the best case.

How now? (said Epistemon) every one shall ride, and I must lead the Asse, the devil take him that will do so, we will make use of the right of warre, Qui potest capere, capiat: No, no, said Panurge, but tie thine Asse to a crook, and ride as the world doth: And the good Pantagruel laughed at all this, and said unto them, You reckon without your host; I am much afraid, that before it be night I shall see you in such taking, that you will have no great stomach to ride, but more like to be rode upon, with sound blowes of pike and lance: Baste, (said Epistemon) e∣nough of that, I will not faile to bring them to you, either to roste or boile, to fry or put in paste: they are not so many in number, as were in the army of Xerxes, for he had thirty hundred thousand fighting men, if you will beleeve Herodotus and Trogus Pompeius: and yet Themistocles with a few men over∣threw them all: for Gods sake take you no

care for that. Cobsminnie, Cobsminnie, (said Panurge) my Codpiece alone shall suffice to overthrow all the men; and my St. Sweep-hole that dwells within it, shall lay all the wo∣men squat upon their backs. Up then my lads (said Pantagruel) and let us march a∣long.

CHAP. XXVII. How Pantagruel set up one Trophee in me∣morial of their valour, and Panurge ano∣ther in remembrance of the hares: How Pantagruel likewise with his farts begat little men, and with his fisgs little women: and how Panurge broke a great staffe over two glasses.

BEfore we depart hence, (said Pantagruel) in remembrance of the exploit that you have now performed, I will in this place erect a faire Trophee: then every man a∣mongst them with great joy, and fine little Countrey-songs set up a huge big post, whereunto they hanged a great cuirasier saddle, the fronstal of a barbed horse, bridle-bosses, pullie-pieces for the knees, stirrup-leathers, spurres, stirrups, a coat of male, a corslet tempered with steel, a battel-axe, a

strong, short and sharp horsemans sword, a gantlet, a horsemans mace, gushet-armour for the arme-pits, leg-harnesse, and a gorget, with all other furniture needful for the de∣corement of a triumphant arch, in signe of a Trophee. And then Pantagruel for an eter∣nal memorial, wrote this victorial Ditton, as followeth.

Here was the prowesse made apparent of Foure brave and valiant champions of proof, Who without any armes but wit, at once (Like Fabius, or the two Scipions) Burn't in a fire six hundred and threescore Crablice', strong rogues ne're vanquished before. By this each King may learn, rock, pawn, and Knight, That slight is much more prevalent then might;

For victory (As all men see) Hangs on the Dittie Of that Committie, Where the great God Hath his abode:

Nor doth he it to strong and great men give, But to his elect, as we must beleeve; Therefore shall he obtain wealth and esteem, Who thorough faith doth put his trust in him,

Whilest Pantagruel was writing these fore∣said verses, Panurge halved and fixed upon a great stake the hornes of a roe-buck, toge∣ther with the skin, and the right forefoot thereof, the eares of three levrets, the chine of a coney, the jawes of a hare, the wings of two bustards, the feet of foure queest-doves, a bottle or borracho full of vineger, a horne wherein to put salt, a wooden spit, a larding stick, a scurvie kettle full of holes, a dripping pan to make sauce in, an earthen salt-cellar, and a goblet of Beauvais. Then in imitation of Pantagruels verses and Tro∣phee, wrote that which followeth:

Here was it that foure jovial blades sate down To a profound carowsing, and to crown Their banquet with those wines, which please best great Bacchus, the Monarch of their drinking state: Then were the reines and furch of a young hare, With salt and vineger, displayed there, Of which to snatch a bit or two, at once They all fell on like hungry scorpions:

For th' Inventories Of Defensories Say that in heat We must drink neat

All out, and of The choicest stuffe;

But it is bad to eat of young hares flesh, Unlesse with vineger we it refresh: Receive this tenet then without controll, That vineger of that meat is the soul.

Then (said Pantagruel,) Come, my lads, let us be gone, we have stayed here too long a∣bout our victuals; for very seldom doth it fall out, that the greatest eaters do the most martial exploits, there is no shadow like that of flying colours, no smoke like that of hor∣ses, no clattering like that of armour: at this Epistemon began to smile, and said, There is no shadow like that of the kitchin, no smoke like that of pasties, and no clattering like that of goblets: unto which answered Panurge, There is no shadow like that of courtaines, no smoke like that of womens breasts, and no clattering like that of ballocks: then forth∣with rising up he gave a fart, a leap, and a whistle, and most joyfully cried out aloud, E∣ver live Pantagruel: when Pantagruel saw that, he would have done as much; but with the fart that he let, the earth trembled nine leagues about, wherewith and with the cor∣rupted aire, he begot above three and fifty thousand little men, ill favoured dwarfes, and with one fisg that he let, he made as ma∣ny

little women, crouching down, as you shall see in divers places, which never grow but like Cowes tailes downwards, or like the Limosin radishes, round. How now (said Panurge) are your farts so fertile and fruitful? by G—here be brave farted men, and fisgued women, let them be married together, they will beget fine hornets and dorflies; so did Pantagruel, and called them Pygmies; those he sent to live in an island thereby, where since that time they are increased mightily: but the cranes make warre with them conti∣nually, against which they do most couragi∣ously defend themselves; for these little ends of men and dandiprats, (whom in Scot∣land they call whiphandles, and knots of a tarre-barrel) are commonly very teastie and cholerick: the Physical reason whereof is, because their heart is near their spleen.

At this same time, Panurge took two drinking glasses that were there, both of one bignesse, and filled them with water up to the brim, and set one of them upon one stool, and the other upon another, placing them a∣bout five foot from one another: then he took the staffe of a javelin, about five foot and a half long, and put it upon the two glas∣ses, so that the two ends of the staffe did come just to the brims of the glasses: This done, he took a great stake or billet of wood, and said to Pantagruel, and to the rest: My

Masters, behold, how easily we shall have the victory over our enemies; for just as I shall break this staffe here upon these glasses, without either breaking or crazing of them▪ nay, which is more, without spilling one drop of the water that is within them, even so shall we break the heads of our Dipsodes, without receiving any of us any wound or losse in our person or goods: but that you may not think there is any witchcraft in this, hold (said he to Eusthenes) strike upon the midst as hard as thou canst with this log: Eusthenes did so, and the staffe broke in two pieces, and not one drop of the water fell out of the glasses: Then said he, I know a great many such tricks, let us now there∣fore march boldly, and with assurance.

CHAP. XXVIII. How Pantagruel got the victory very strangely over the Dipsodes, and the Giants.

AFter all this talk, Pantagruel took the pri∣soner to him, and sent him away, saying, Go thou unto thy King in his Camp, and tell him tidings of what thou hast seen, and let him resolve to feast me to morrow about noon; for assoon as my galleys shall come,

which will be to morrow at furthest; I will prove unto him by eighteen hundred thou∣sand fighting men, and seven thousand Gi∣ants, all of them greater then I am; that he hath done foolishly and against reason, thus to invade my countrey, wherein Pantagruel feigned that he had an army at sea; but the Prisoner answered, that he would yield him∣self to be his slave, and that he was content never to return to his own people, but rather with Pantagruel to fight against them, and for Gods sake besought him, that he might be permitted so to do: whereunto Pantagruel would not give consent, but commanded him to depart thence speedily, and be gone as he had told him, and to that effect gave him a box full of Euphorbium, together with some grains of the black chameleon thistle, steeped into aqua vitae, and made up into the condiment of a wet sucket, commanding him to carry it to his King, and to say unto him, that if he were able to eate one ounce of that without drinking after it, he might then be able to resist him, without any feare or appre∣hension of danger.

The Prisoner then besonght him with joynt hands, that in the houre of the battel he would have compassion upon him: whereat Pantagruel said unto him, After that thou hast delivered all unto the King, put thy whole confidence in God,

and he will not forsake thee; because, al∣though for my part I be mighty, as thou mayest see, and have an infinite number of men in armes, I do neverthelesse trust neither in my force nor in mine industry, but all my confidence is in God my Protectour, who doth never forsake those that in him do put their trust and confidence. This done, the Prisoner requested him that he would afford him some reasonable composition for his ran some: to which Pantagruel answered, that his end was not to rob nor ran som men, but to enrich them, and reduce them to total liberty; Go thy way (said he) in the peace of the living God, and never follow evil company, lest some mischief befall thee. The Prisoner being gone, Pantagruel said to his men, Gentlemen, I have made this Prisoner believe that we have an army at sea, as also that we will not assault them till to morrow at noon, to the end, that they doubting of the great arrival of our men, mayspend this night in providing and strengthening themselves, but in the mean time my intention is, that we charge them about the houre of the first sleep.

Let us leave Pantagruel here with his A∣postles, and speak of King Anarchus and his army. When the Prisoner was come, he went unto the King, and told him how there was a great Giant come, called Pantagruel, who had overthrown, and made to be cruelly roasted

all the six hundred and nine and fifty horse∣men, and he alone escaped to bring the news: besides that, he was charged by the said Gi∣ant, to tell him, that the next day about noon he must make a dinner ready for him, for at that houre he was resolved to set upon him: then did he give him that boxe wherein were those confitures; but assoon as he had swallow∣ed down one spoonful of them, he was taken with such a heat in the throat, together with an ulceration in the flap of the top of the winde-pipe, that his tongue peel'd with it, in such sort that for all they could do unto him, he found no ease at all, but by drinking only without cessation, for assoon as ever he took the goblet from his head, his tongue was on a fire, and therefore they did nothing but still poure in wine into his throat with a fun∣nel, which when his Captains, Bashawes, and guards of his body did see, they tasted of the same drugs, to try whether they were so thirst-procuring and alterative or no: but it so befell them as it had done their King, and they plied the flaggon so well, that the noise ran throughout all the Camp, how the Pri∣soner was returned, that the next day they were to have an assault, that the King and his Captains did already prepare themselves for it, together with his guards, and that wiah carowsing lustily, and quaffing as hard as they could, every man therefore in the army

began to tipple, ply the pot, swill and guzzle it as fast as they could. In summe, they drunk so much, and so long, that they fell asleep like pigs, all out of order throughout the whole Camp.

Let us now return to the good Pantagruel, and relate how he carried himself in this busi∣nesse, departing from the place of the Tro∣phies, he took the mast of their ship in his hand like a Pilgrims staffe, and put within the top of it two hundred and seven and thirty poinsons of white wine of Anjou, the rest was of Rowen, and tied up to his girdle the bark all full of salt, as easily as the Lans∣kennets carry their little panniers, and to set onward on his way with his fellow-souldiers. When he was come near to the enemies Camp, Panurge said unto him, Sir, if you would do well, let down this white wine of Anjou, from the scuttle of the mast of the ship, that we may all drink thereof, like Bri∣tains.

Hereunto Pantagruel very willingly con∣sented, and they drank so neat, that there was not so much as one poor drop left, of two hundred and seven and thirty punchons, ex∣cept one Boracho or leathern bottle of Tours, which Panurge filled for himself, (for he cal∣led that his vade mecum,) and some scurvie lees of wine in the bottom, which served him in stead of vineger. After they had whitled

and curried the canne pretty handsomely; Panurge gave Pantagruel to eate some devil∣lish drugs, compounded of Lithotripton, (which is a stone-dissolving ingredient,) ne∣phrocatarticon, (that purgeth the reines) the marmalade of the Quinces, (called Codinias) a confection of Cantharides, (which are green flies breeding on the tops of olive-trees) and other kindes of diuretick or pisse-procuring simples. This done, Pantagruel said to Car∣palin, Go into the City, scrambling like a cat up against the wall, as you can well do, and tell them that now presently they come out, and charge their enemies as rudely as they can, and having said so, come down ta∣king a lighted torch with you, wherewith you shall set on fire all the tents and pavil∣lions in the Camp, then cry as loud as you are able with your great voice, and then come a∣way from thence. Yea, but, said Carpalin, were it not good to cloy all their ordnance? No, no, (said Pantagruel) only blow up all theit powder. Carpalin obeying him, departed suddenly, and did as he was appointed by Pantagruel, and all the Combatants came forth that were in the City, and when he had set fire in the tents and pavillions, he past so lightly through them, and so highly and pro∣foundly did they snort and sleep, that they ne∣ver perceived him. He came to the place where their Artillery was, and set their mu∣nition

on fire: but here was the danger, the fire was so sudden, that poor Carpalin had almost been burnt; and had it not been for his wonderful agility, he had been fried like a roasting pig: but he departed away so speedi∣ly, that a bolt or arrow out of a Crossebowe could not have had a swifter motion. When he was clear of their trenches, he shooted a∣loud, and cried out so dreadfully, and with such amazement to the hearers, that it seem∣ed all the devils of hell had been let loose: at which noise the enemies awaked, but can you tell how? even no lesse astonished then are Monks, at the ringing of the first peale to Matins, which in Lusonnois is called Rub∣balock.

In the mean time Pantagruel began to sowe the salt that he had in his bark, and because they slept with an open gaping mouth, he filled all their throats with it, so that those poor wretches were by it made to cough like foxes. Ha, Pantagruel, how thou addest great∣er heat to the firebrand that is in us. Sudden∣ly Pantagruel had will to pisse, by meanes of the drugs which Panurge had given him, and pist amidst the Camp so well and so copiously, that he drowned them all, and there was a particular deluge, ten leagues round about, of such considerable depth, that the history saith, if his fathers great mare had been there, and pist likewise, it would undoubtedly have

been a more enormous deluge then that of Deucalion; for she did never pisse, but she made a river, greater then is either the Rhosne, or the Danow, which those that were come out of the City seeing, said, They are all cruelly slain, see how the blood runs along: but they were deceived in thinking Panta∣gruels urine had been the blood of their ene∣mies; for they could not see but by the light of the fire of the pavillions, and some small light of the Moon.

The enemies after that they were awaked, seeing on one side the fire in the Camp, and on the other the inundation of the urinal de∣luge, could not tell what to say, nor what to think; some said, that it was the end of the world, and the final judgement, which ought to be by fire: Others again thought that the sea-gods, Neptune, Protheus, Triton, and the rest of them did persecute them, for that in∣deed they found it to be like sea-water and and salt.

O who were able now condignely to re∣late, how Pantagruel did demean himfelf against the three hundred Giants; O my Muse, my Calliope, my Thalia, inspire me at this time, restore unto me my spirits; for this is the Logical bridge of asses: here is the pit∣sall, here is the difficultie, to have ability e∣nough to expresse the horrible battel that was fought; Ah, would to God that I had now

a bottle of the best wine, that ever those drank, who shall read this so veridical hi∣story.

CHAP. XXIX. How Pantagruel discomfited the three hundred Giants armed with free stone, and Loup∣garou their Captain.

THe Giants seeing all their Camp drown∣ed, carried away their King Anarchus upon their backs, as well as they could out of the Fort, as Aeneas did to his father An∣chises, in the time of the conflagration of Troy. When Panurge perceived them, he said to Pantagruel, Sir, yonder are the Giants co∣ming forth against you, lay on them with your mast gallantly like an old Fencer; for now is the time that you must shew your self a brave man and an honest And for our part we will not faile you: I my self willl kill to you a good many boldly enough; for why, David killed Goliah very easily; and then, this great Lecher Eusthenes, who is stronger then foure oxen, will not spare him∣self. Be of good courage therefore, and va∣liant, charge amongst them with point and edge, and by all manner of meanes. Well▪

(said Pantagruel,) of courage I have more then for fifty francks, but let us be wise, for Hercules first never undertook against two; that is well cack'd, well scummered, (said Pa∣nurge) do you compare your self with Hercu∣les? You have by G—more strength in your teeth, and more sent in your bum, then ever Hercules had in all his body and soul: so much is a man worth as he esteems himfelf. Whilest they spake those words behold, Lougarou was come with all his Giants, who seeing Panta∣gruel in a manner alone, was carried away with temerity and presumption, for hopes that he had to kill the good man; whereupon he said to his companions the Giants, You Wenchers of the low countrey, by Mahoom, if any of you undertake to fight against these men here, I will put you cruelly to death: it is my will that you let me fight single, in the mean time you shall have good sport to look upon us: then all the other Giants retired with their King, to the place where the flag∣gons stood, and Panurge and his Camerades with them, who counterfeited those that have had the pox, for he wreathed about his mouth, shrunk up his fingers, and with a harsh and hoarse voice said unto them, I forsake—od (fellow souldiers) if I would have it to be be∣leeved, that we make any warre at all; Give us somewhat to eat with you, whilest our Masters fight against one another; to this the

King and Giants joyntly condescended, and accordingly made them to banquet with them. In the mean time Panurge told them the follies of Turpin, the examples of St. Ni∣cholas, and the tale of a tub. Lougarou then set forward towards Pantagruel, with a mace all of steel, and that of the best sort, weighing nine thousand seven hundred kin∣tals, and two quarterons, at the end whereof were thirteen pointed diamonds, the least whereof was as big as the greatest bell of our Ladies Church at Paris, (there might want perhaps the thicknesse of a naile, or (at most that I may not lie) of the back of those knives which they call cut-lugs or eare-cut∣ters, but for a little off or on, more or lesse, it is no matter) and it was inchanted in such sort, that it could never break, but contrarily all that it did touch, did break immediately. Thus then as he approached with great fierce∣nesse and pride of heart: Pantagruel, casting up his eyes to heaven, recommended himself to God with all his soule, making such a Vow as followeth.

O thou Lord God, who h•••••• alwayes been my Protectour, and my Saviour, thou seest the distresse wherein I am at this time: no∣thing brings me hither but a natural zeale, which thou hast permitted unto mortals, to keep and defend themselves, their wives and children, countrey and family, in case thy

own proper cause were not in question, which is the faith; for in such a businesse thou wilt have no Coadjutors, only a Catholick Con∣fession and service of thy Word, and hast forbidden us all arming and defence; for thou art the Almighty, who in thine owne cause, and where thine own businesse is taken to heart, canst defend it far beyond all that we can conceive, thou who hast thousand thousands of hundreds of millions of legi∣gions of Angels, the least of which is able to kill all mortal men, and turn about the Hea∣vens and earth at his pleasure, as heretofore it very plainly appeared in the army of Sen∣nacherib, if it may please thee therefore at this time to assist me, as my whole trust and confi∣dence is in thee alone: I vow unto thee, that in all Countreys whatsoever, wherein I shall have any power or authority, whether in this of Utopia, or elsewhere, I will cause thy ho∣ly Gospel to be purely, simply and entirely preached, so that the abuses of a rabble of hy∣pocrites and false prophets, who by humane constitutions, and depraved inventions, have impoisoned all the world, shall be quite exter∣minated from about me. This Vow was no sooner made, but there w••s heard a voice from heaven, saying, Hoc fac, & vinces: that is to say, Do this, and thou shalt over∣come.

Then Pantagruel, seeing that Loupgarou

with his mouth wide open was drawing near to him, went against him boldly, and cried out as loud as he was able, Thou diest, vil∣lain, thou diest, purposing by his horrible cry to make him afraid, according to the dis∣cipline of the Lacedemonians. Withal, he im∣mediately cast at him out of his bark which he wore at his girdle, eighteen cags, and foure bushels of salt, wherewith he filled both his mouth, throat, nose and eyes: at this Loup∣garou was so highly incensed, that most fiercely setting upon him, he thought even then with a blow of his mace to have beat out his braines: but Pantagruel was very nimble, and had alwayes a quick foot, and a quick eye, and therefore with his left foot did he step back one pace, yet not so nimbly, but that the blow falling upon the bark, broke it in foure thousand, fourescore and six pieces, and threw all the rest of the salt about the ground: Pantagruel seeing that, most gal∣lantly displayed the vigour of his armes, and according to the Art of the axe, gave him with the great end of his mast a homethrust a little above the breast: then bringing along the blow to the left side, with a slash struck him between the neck and shoulders: After that, advancing his right foot, he gave him a push upon the couillons, with the upper end of his said mast, wherewith breaking the scuttle, on the top thereof he spilt three or

foure punchons of wine that were left therein.

Upon that Loupgarou thought that he had pierced his bladder, and that the wine that came forth had been his urine: Pantagruel being not content with this, would have doubled it by a side-blow; but Loupgarou lift∣ing up his mace, advanced one step upon him, and with all his force would have dash't it upon Pantagruel, wherein (to speak the truth) he so sprightfully carried himself, that if God had not succoured the good Panta∣gruel, he had been cloven from the top of his head to the bottom of his milt, but the blow glanced to the right side, by the brisk nimblenesse of Pantagruel, and his mace sank into the ground above threescore and thirteen foot, through a huge rock, out of which the fire did issue greater then nine thousand and six tuns. Pantagruel seeing him busie about plucking out his mace, which stuck in the ground between the rocks, ran upon him, and would have clean cut off his head, if by mischance his mast had not touch∣ed a little against the stock of Loupgarous mace, which was inchanted, as we have said before: by this meanes his mast broke off about three handfuls above his hand, where∣at he stood amazed like a Bell-Founder, and cried out, Ah Panurge, where art thou? Pa∣nurge seeing that, said to the King and the

Giants, By G—they will hurt one another, if they be not parted; but the Giants were as merry as if they had been at a wedding: then Carpalin would have risen from thence to help his Master; but one of the Giants said un∣to him, By Golfarin the Nephew of Mahoon, if thou stir hence I will put thee in the bot∣tom of my breeches, in stead of a Supposi∣tory, which cannot chuse but do me good; for in my belly I am very costive, and can∣not well eagar, without gnashing my teeth, and making many filthy faces. Then Panta∣gruel, thus destitute of a staffe, took up the end of his mast, striking athwart and alongst upon the Giant, but he did him no more hurt then you would do with a filip upon a Smiths Anvil. In the time Loupgarou was drawing his mace out of the ground, and ha∣ving already plucked it out, was ready there∣with to have struck Pantagruel, who being ve∣ry quick in turning, avoided all his blowes, in taking only the defensive part in hand, un∣til on a sudden he saw that Loupgarou did threaten him with these words, saying, Now, villain, will not I faile to chop thee as small as minced meat, and keep thee henceforth from ever making any more poor men athirst; for then without any moreado, Pantagruel struck him such a blow with his foot against the bel∣ly, that he made him fall backwards, his heels over his head, and dragged him thus along at

flay-buttock above a flight-shot. Then Loupgarou cried out, bleeding at the throat, Mahoon, Mahoon, Mahoon, at which noise all the Giants arose to succour him: but Panurge said unto them, Gentlemen, do not go, if you will beleeve me, for our Master is mad, and strikes athwart and alongst, he cares not where, he will do you a mischief; but the Gi∣ants made no account of it, seeing that Panta∣gruel had never a staffe.

And when Pantagruel saw those Giants ap∣proach very near unto him, he took Loupga∣rou by the two feet, and lift up his body like a pike in the aire, wherewith (it being harnish∣ed with Anvils) he laid such heavy load a∣mongst those Giants, armed with free stone, that striking them down as a Mason doth little knobs of stones, there was not one of them that stood before him, whom he threw not flat to the ground, and by the breaking of this stony armour there was made such a hor∣rible rumble, as put me in minde of the fall of the butter-tower of St. Stephens at Bourge, when it melted before the Sunne. Panurge, with Carpalin and Eusthenes, did cut in the mean time the throats of those that were struck down; in such sort that there escaped not one. Pantagrnel to any mans sight was like a Mower, who with his sithe (which was Loupgarou,) cut down the meddow grasse (to wit the Giants,) but with this fencing of Pan∣tagruels,

Loupgarou lost his head, which hap∣pened when Pantagruel struck down one whose name was Riflandouille or pudding-plunderer, who was armed cap-a-pe with grison stones, one chip whereof splintring abroad cut off Epistemons neck clean and faire: for otherwise the most part of them were but lightly armed with a kinde of sandie brittle stone, and the rest with slaits: at last when he saw that they were all dead, he threw the body of Loupgarou, as hard as he could a∣gainst the City, where falling like a frog up∣on his belly, in the great piazza thereof, he with the said fall killed a singed he-cat, a wet she-cat, a farting duck, and a brideled goose.

CHAP. XXX. How Epistemon, who had his head cut off, was finely healed by Panurge, and of the newes which he brought from the devils, and the damned people in hell.

THis Gigantal victory being ended, Pantagruel withdrew himself to the place of the flaggons, and called for Panurge and the rest, who came unto him safe and sound, except Eusthenes, (whom one of the Giants had scratched a little in the face,

whilest he about the cutting of his throat, and Epistemon, who appeared not at all: whereat Pantagruel was so aggrieved that he would have killed himself; but Panurge said unto him, Nay, Sir, stay a while, and we will search for him amongst the dead, and finde out the truth of all: thus as they went seeking after him, they found him stark dead, with his head between his armes all bloody. Then Eusthenes cried out, Ah cruel death! hast thou taken from me the perfectest amongst men? At which words Pantagruel rose up with the greatest grief that ever any man did fee, and said to Panurge, Ha, my friend, the prophecy of your two glasses, and the jave∣lin staffe was a great deal too deceitful, but Panurge answered, My dear bullies all, weep not one drop more, for he being yet all hot, I will make him as sound as ever he was; in saying this, he took the head, and held it warme fore-gainst his Codpiece, that the winde might not enter into it, Eusthenes and Carpalin carried the body to the place where they had banqueted, not out of any hope that ever he would recover, but that Panta∣gruel might see it.

Neverthelesse Panurge gave him very good comfort, saying, If I do not heale him, I will be content to lose my head (which is a fooles wager,) leave off therefore crying and help me. Then cleansed he his neck very well

with pure white wine, and after that, took his head, and into it synapised some powder of diamerdis, which he alwayes carried about him in one of his bags. Afterwards, he an∣ointed it with I know not what ointment, and set it on very just, veine against veine, si∣new against sinew, and spondyle against spondyle, that he might not be wry-necked, (for such people he mortally hated,) this done, he gave it round about some fifteen or sixteen stitches with a needle, that it might not fall off again, then on all sides, and every where he put a little ointment on it, which he called resuscitative.

Suddenly Epistemon began to breath, then opened his eyes, yawned, sneezed, and af∣terwards let a great houshold fart; whereup∣on Panurge said, Now certainly he is healed, and therefore gave him to drink a large full glasse of strong white wine, with a sugred toast. In this fashion was Epistemon finely healed, only that he was somewhat hoarse for above three weeks together, and had a dry cough of which he could not be rid, but by the force of continual drinking: and now he began to speak, and said that he had seen the divel, had spoken with Lucifer familiarly, and had been very merry in hell, and in the Elysian fields, affirming very seriously be∣fore them all, that the devils were boone companions, and merry fellowes: but in re∣spect

of the damned, he said he was very sor∣ry that Panurge had so soon called him back into this world again; for (said he) I took wonderful delight to see them: How so? said Pantagruel: because they do not use them there (said Epistemon) so badly as you think they do: their estate and condition of living is but only changed after a very strange man∣ner; for I saw Alexander the great there, a∣mending and patching on clowts upon old breeches and stockins, whereby he got but a very poor living.

• Xerxes was a Cryer of mustard.
• Romulus, a Salter and patcher of patines.
• Numa, a nailsmith.
• Tarquin, a Porter.
• Piso, a clownish swaine
• Sylla, a Ferrie-man.
• Cyrus, a Cowheard.
• Themistocles, a glasse-maker.
• Epaminondas, a maker of Mirrours or Looking-glasses.
• Brutus and Cassius, Surveyors or Measu∣rers of land.
• Demosthenes, a Vine-dresser.
• Cicero, a fire-kindler
• Fabius, a threader of beads.
• Artaxerxes, a rope-maker.
• Aeneas, a Miller.
• Achilles was a scauld-pated maker of hay-bundles.
• ...

• ... Agamemnon, a lick-box.
• Ulysses, a hay-mower.
• Nestor, a Deer-keeper or Forrester.
• Darius, a Gold-finder, or Jakes-farmer.
• Ancus Martius, a ship-trimmer.
• Camillus, a foot-post.
• Marcellus, a sheller of beans.
• Drusus, a taker of money at the doors of play-houses.
• Scipio Africanus, a Crier of Lee in a wooden slipper.
• Asdrubal, a Lanterne-maker.
• Hannibal, a Kettlemaker and seller of eggeshels.
• Priamus, a seller of old clouts.
• Lancelot of the lake, was a flayer of dead horses.

All the Knights of the round Table were poore day-labourers, employed to rowe over the rivers of Cocytus, Phlegeton, Styx, Ache∣ron and Lethe, when my lords, the devils had a minde to recreate themselves upon the wa∣ter, as in the like occasion are hired the boat-men at Lions, the gondeleers of Venice, and oares at London; but with this difference, that these poor Knights have only for their fare a bob or flirt on the nose, and in the even∣ing a morsel of course mouldie bread.

• Trajan was a Fisher of frogs.
• Antoninus, a Lackey.
• Commodus, a Jeat-maker.
• ...

• ... Pertinax, a peeler of wall-nuts.
• Lucullus, a maker of rattles and Hawks bells.
• Justinian, a Pedlar.
• Hector, a Snap-sauce Scullion.
• Paris was a poore beggar.
• Cambyses, a Mule-driver.
• Nero, a base blinde fidler, or player on that instrument which is called a windbroach: Fierabras was his serving-man, who did him a thousand mischievous tricks, and would make him eat of the brown bread, and drink of the turned wine, when himself did both eate and drink of the best.
• Julius Caesar and Pompey were boat-wrights and tighters of ships.
• Valentine and Orson did serve in the stoves of hell, and were sweat-rubbers in hot houses.
• Giglan and Govian were poor Swine∣herds.
• Jafrey with the great tooth, was a tinder-maker and seller of matches.
• Godfrey de bullion, a Hood-maker.
• Jason, was a Bracelet-maker.
• Don Pietro de Castille, a Carrier of Indul∣gences.
• Morgan, a beer-Brewer.
• Huon of Bourdeaux, a Hooper of barrels.
• Pyrrhus, a Kitchin-Scullion.
• Antiochus, a Chimney-sweeper.
• ...

• ... Octavian, a Scraper of parchment.
• Nerva, a Mariner.
• Pope Julius was a Crier of pudding pyes, but he left off wearing there his great bug∣gerly beard.
• John of Paris, was a greaser of boots.
• Arthur of Britain, an ungreaser of caps.
• Pierce Forrest, a Carrier of fagots.
• Pope Boniface the eighth, a Scummer Popes.
• Pope Nicholas the third, a Maker of paper.
• Pope Alexander, a rat-catcher.
• Pope Sixtus, an Anointer of those that have the pox.
• What, (said Pantagruel) have they the pox there too? Surely (said Epistemon) I never saw so many; there are there I think above a hundred millions; for beleeve, that those who have not had the pox in this world, must have it in the other.
• Cotsbody (said Panurge) then I am free; for I have been as farre as the hole of Gibral∣tar, reached unto the outmost bounds of Hermes, and gathered of the ripest. Ogier the Dane was a Furbisher of armour.
• The King Tigranes, a mender of thatched houses.
• Galien Restored, a taker of Moldwarps.
• The foure sons of Aymon, were all tooth-drawers.
• Pope Calixtus, was the barber of a wo∣mans sineq uo non.
• ...

• Pope Urban, a bacon-pecker.
• Melusina, was a Kitchin drudge-wench.
• Mattabrune, a Laundresse.
• Cleopatra, a Crier of onions.
• Helene, a broker for Chamber-maids.
• Semiramis, the Beggars lice-killer.
• Dido did sell mushroms.
• Pentasilea sold cresses.
• Lucretia was an Ale-house keeper.
• Hortensia, a Spinstresse.
• Livia, a greater of verdigreece.

After this manner, those that had been great Lords and Ladies here, got but a poor scurvie wretched living there below. And on the contrary, the Philosophers and others, who in this world had been altogether indi∣gent and wanting, were great Lords there in their turne. I saw Diogenes there strout it out most pompously, and in great magnificence, with a rich purple gown on him, and a golden Scepter in his right hand. And which is more, he would now and then make Alex∣ander the great mad, so enormously would he abuse him, when he had not well patched his breeches; for he used to pay his skin with sound bastinadoes; I saw Epictetus there most gallantly apparelled after the French fa∣shion, sitting under a pleasant Arbour, with store of handsom Gentlewomen, frolicking, drinking, dancing, and making good cheare, with abundance of Crowns of the Sunne.

Above the lattice were written these verses for his device.

To leap and dance, to sport and play, And drink good wine both white and brown: Or nothing else do all the day, But tell bags full of many a Crown.

When he saw me, he invited me to drink with him very courteously, and I being wil∣ling to be intreated, we tipled and chopined together most theologically. In the mean time came Cyrus to beg one farthing of him for the honour of Mercurie, therewith to buy a few onions for his supper? No, no, said Epictetus, I do not use in my almes-giving to bestow farthings, hold thou Varlet, there's a crown for thee, be an honest man: Cyrus was exceeding glad to have met with such a bootie; but the other poor rogues, the Kings that are there below, as Alexander, Da∣rius, and others stole it away from him by night. I saw Pathelin the Treasurer of Rha∣damantus, who in cheapening the pudding∣pyes that Pope Julius cried, asked him, How much a dozen? Three blanks (said the Pope:) Nay (said Pathelin) three blowes with a cudg∣el, lay them down here you rascal, and go fetch more: the poor Pope went away weep∣ing, who when he came to his Master the Pye-maker, told him that they had taken away his

pudding-pyes; whereupon his Master gave him such a sound lash with an eele-skin, that his own would have been worth nothing to make bag-pipe-bags of. I saw Master John le maire, there personate the Pope in such fashi∣on, that he made all the poor Kings and Popes of this world kisse his feet, and taking great state upon him, gave them his benediction, saying, Get the pardons, rogues, get the par∣dons, they are good cheap: I absolve you of bread and pottage, and dispense with you to be never good for any thing: then calling Caillet and Triboulet, to him, he spoke these words, My Lords the Cardinals dispatch their bulls, to wit, to each of them a blow with a Cudgel upon the reines, which ac∣cordingly was forthwith performed.

I heard Master Francus Villou ask Xeroces, How much the messe of mustard? A farthing, said Xerxes: to which the said Villou answer∣ed, The pox take thee for a villain: as much of square-ear'd wheat is not worth half that price, and now thou offerest to inhance the price of victuals: with this he pist in his pot as the mustard-makers of Paris use to do. I saw the trained bowe-man of the bathing tub, (known by the name of the Francarcher de baignolet) who being one of the trustees of the Inqusition, when he saw Pierce Forrest making water against a wall, in which was painted the fire of St. Antonie, declared him

heretick, and would have caused him to be burnt alive, had it not been for Morgant, who for his Proficiat and other small fees gave him nine tuns of beer. Well (said Panta∣gruel,) reserve all these faire stories for ano∣ther time, only tell us how the Usurers are there handled: I saw them (said Epistemon) all very busily employed in seeking of rustie pins, and old nailes in the kennels of the streets, as you see poor wretched rogues do in this world; but the quintal or hundred weight of this old iron ware, is there valued but at the price of a cantle of bread, and yet they have but a very bad dispatch and rid∣dance in the sale of it: thus the poor Misers are sometimes three whole weeks, without eating one morsel or crumb of bread, and yet work both day and night looking for the faire to come: neverthelesse, of all this la∣bour, toile and misery they reckon nothing, so cursedly active they are in the prosecution of that their base calling, in hopes at the end of the yeare, to earne some scurvie penny by it.

Come, (said Pantagruel) let us now make our selves merry one bout, and drink (my Lads) I beseech you, for it is very good drinking all this moneth: then did they un∣case their flaggons by heaps and dozens, and with their leaguer-provision made excellent good chear: but the poor King Anarchus

could not all this while settle himselfe to∣wards any fit of mirth; whereupon Panurge said, Of what trade shall we make my Lord the King here, that he may be skilful in the Art, when he goes thither to sojourn, a∣mongst all the devils of hell? Indeed (said Pantagruel) that was well advised of thee, do with him what thou wilt: I give him to thee: Grammercie (said Panurge) the pre∣sent is not to be refused, and I love it from you.

CHAP. XXXI. How Pantagruel entered into the City of the Amaurots, and how Panurge married King Anarchus to an old Lantern-carrying Hag, and made him a Cryer of green sauce.

AFter this wonderful victory, Pantagruel sent Carpalin unto the City of the A∣maurots, to declare and signifie unto them how the King Anarchus was taken prisoner, and all the enemies of the City overthrown, which news when they heard, all the inhabi∣tants of the City came forth to meet him in good order, and with a great triumphant pomp, conducting him with a heavenly joy

into the City, where innnumerable bone-fires were set on, thorough all the parts there∣of, and faire round tables which were fur∣nished with store of good victuals, set out in the middle of the streets; this was a renew∣ing of the golden age in the time of Saturn, so good was the cheere which then they made.

But Pantagruel having assembled the whole Senate, and Common Councel-men of the town, said (My Masters) we must now strike the iron whilest it is hot; it is therefore my will, that before we frolick it any longer, we advise how to assault and take the whole Kingdom of the Dipsodes: to which effect let those that will go with me provide them∣selves against to morrow after drinking; for then will I begin to march, not that I need any more men then I have to help me to con∣quer it; for I could make it as sure that way as if I had it already, but I see this City is so full of inhabitants, that they scarce can turn in the streets; I will therefore carry them as a Colonie into Dipsodie, and will give them all that Countrey, which is fair, wealthie, fruitful and pleasant, above all other Countreys in the world as many of you can tell who have been there heretofore every one of you therefore that will go along, let him provide himself as I have said. This counsel and resolution be∣ing published in the City, the next morning

there assembled in the piazza, before the Pa∣lace, to the number of eighteen hundred fifty six thousand and eleven, besides women and little children: thus began they to march straight into Dipsodie, in such good order as did the people of Israel when they departed out of Egypt, to passe over the red-sea.

But before we proceed any further in this purpose, I will tell you how Panurge handled his prisoner the King Anarchus: for having remembred that which Epistemon had rela∣ted, how the Kings and rich men, in this world were used in the Elysian fields, and how they got their living there by base and ig∣noble trades; he therefore one day apparel∣led his King in a pretty little canvass doub∣let, all jagged and pinked like the tippet of a light horsemans cap, together with a paire of large Mariners breeches, and stockins without shoes; For (said he) they would but spoile his sight; and a little peach-coloured bonnet, with a great capons feather in it: I lie, for I think he had two: and a very hand∣some girdle of a sky-colour and green, (in French called pers & vert) saying, that such a livery did become him well, for that he had alwayes been perverse: and in this plight bringing him before Pantagruel, said unto him, Do you know this royster? No indeed, said Pantagruel: It is (said Panurge) my Lord, the King of the three batches, or thread-bare

sovereign: I intend to make him an honest man. These devillish Kings which we have here are but as so many calves, they know nothing, and are good for nothing, but to do a thousand mischiefs to their poor sub∣jects, and to trouble all the world with warre for their unjust and detestable pleasure: I will put him to a trade, and make him a Crier of green sauce: Go to, begin and cry, Do you lack any green sauce? and the poor devil cried: That is too low (said Panurge;) then took him by the eare, faying, Sing higher in Gosolreut: So, so, (poor devil) thou hast a good throat: thou wert never so happy as to be no longer King: and Pantagruel made himself merry with all this; for I dare bold∣ly say, that he was the best little gafer that was to be seen between this and the end of a staffe. Thus was Anarchus made a good Crier of green sauce, two dayes thereafter Panurge married him with an old Lanterne-carrying Hag, and he himselfe made the wed∣ding with fine sheeps-heads, brave haslets with mustard, gallant salligots with garlick, of which he sent five horse-loads unto Panta∣gruel, which he ate up all, he found them so appetizing: and for their drink, they had a kinde of small well-watered wine, and some sorbapple-cider: and to make them dance he hired a blinde man, that made musick to them with a windbroach.

After dinner he led them to the Palace, and shewed them to Pantagruel, and said, pointing to the married woman, You need not feare that she will crack: Why? said Pan∣tagruel: Because, said Panurge, she is well slit and broke up already; What do you mean by that? said Pantagruel: Do not you see? said Panurge, that the chestnuts which are roasted in the fire, if they be whole, they crack as if they were mad; and to keep them from cracking, they make an incision in them, and slit them; so this new Bride is in her lower parts well slit before, and therefore will not crack behinde.

Pantagruel gave them a little lodge near the lower street, and a mortar of stone wherein to bray and pound their sauce, and in this manner did they do their little businesse, he being as pretty a Crier of green sauce, as ever was seene in the Countrey of Utopia: but I have been told since that his wife doth beat him like plaister, and the poor sot dare not defend himself, he is so simple.

CHAP. XXXII. How Pantagruel with his tongue covered a whole Army, and what the Author saw in his mouth.

THus as Pantagruel with all his Army had entered into the Countrey of the Dipsodes, every one was glad of it, and in∣continently rendred themselves unto him, bringing him out of their own good wills the Keyes of all the Cities where he went, the Almirods only excepted, who being resolved to hold out against him, made answer to his Heraulds that they would not yield but upon very honourable and good conditions.

What? (said Pantagruel) do they ask any better termes, then the hand at the pot, and the glasse in their fist? Come let us go sack them, and put them all to the sword: then did they put themselves in good order, as being fully determined to give an assault, but by the way passing through a large field, they were overtaken with a great shower of raine, whereat they began to shiver and tremble, to croud, presse and thrust close to one an∣other. When Pantagruel saw that, he made their Captains tell them, that it was nothing,

and that he saw well above the clouds, that it would be nothing but a little dew; but howsoever, that they should put themselves in order, and he would cover them: then did they put themselves in a close order, and stood as near to other as they could: and Pantagruel drew out his tongue only half-wayes and covered them all, as a hen doth her chickens. In the mean time I, who relate to you these so veritable stories, hid my self under a burdock-leafe, which was not much lesse in largenesse then the arch of the bridge of Montrible; but when I saw them thus covered, I went towards them to shelter my self likewise, which I could not do; for that they were so (as the saying is) At the yards end there is no cloth left. Then as well as I could, I got upon it, and went along full two leagues upon his tongue, and so long marched, that at last I came into his mouth: but oh gods and goddesses, what did I see there? Jupiter confound me with his trisulk lightning if I lie: I walked there as they do in Sophie and Constantinople, and saw there great rocks like the mountains in Denmark, I beleeve that those were his teeth, I saw also faire meddows, large forrests, great and strong Cities, not a jot lesse then Lyons or Poictiers, the first man I met with there, was a good honest fellow planting coleworts, whereat being very much amazed, I asked him, My

friend, what dost thou make here? I plant coleworts, said he: But how, and wherewith said I? Ha Sir, said he, every one cannot have his ballocks as heavy as a mortar, neither can we be all rich: thus do I get my poor li∣ving, and carry them to the market to sell in the City which is here behinde Jesus! (said I) is there here a new world? Sure (said he) it is never a jot new, but it is commonly re∣ported, that without this there is an earth, whereof the inhabitants enjoy the light of a Sunne and a Moone, and that it is full of, and replenished with very good commodi∣ties; but yet this is more ancient then that: Yea, but (said I) my friend, what is the name of that City, whither thou car∣riest thy Coleworts to sell? It is called Al∣pharage, (said he) and all the indwellers are Christians, very honest men, and will make you good chear. To be brief, I resolved to go thither. Now in my way, I met with a fellow that was lying in wait to catch pigeons, of whom I asked, (My friend) from whence come these pigeons? Sir, (said he) they come from the other world: then I thought, that when Panta∣gruel yawned, the pigeons went into his mouth in whole flocks, thinking that it had been a pigeon-house.

Then I went into the City, which I found faire, very strong, and seated in a good aire▪

but at my entry the guard demanded of me my passe or ticket: whereat I was much astonished, and asked them, (My Masters) is there any danger of the plague here? O Lord, (said they) they die hard by here so fast, that the cart runs about the streets; Good God! (said I) and where? whereunto they answered that it was in Larinx and Phae∣rinx, which are two great Cities, such as Rowen and Nants, rich and of great trading: and the cause of the plague was by a stink∣ing and infectious exhalation, which lately vapoured out of the abismes, whereof there have died above two and twenty hundred and threescore thousand and sixteen persons within this sevennight; then I considered, calculated and found, that it was a rank and unsavoury breathing, which came out of Pantagruels stomack, when he did eat so much garlick, as we have aforesaid.

Parting from thence, I past amongst the rocks, which were his teeth, and never left walking till I got up on one of them; and there I found the pleasantest places in the world, great large tennis-Courts, faire gal∣leries, sweet meddows, store of Vines, and an infinite number of banqueting summer out-houses in the fields, after the Italian fa∣shion, full of pleasure and delight, where I stayed full foure moneths, and never made better cheer in my life as then. After that I

went down by the hinder teeth to comt to the chaps; but in the way I was robbed by thieves in a great forrest, that is in the terri∣tory towards the eares: then (after, a little further travelling) I fell upon a pretty pet∣ty village, (truly I have forgot the name of it) where I was yet merrier then ever, and got some certain money to live by, can you tell how? by sleeping; for there they hire men by the day to sleep, and they get by it six pence a day, but they that can short hard get at least nine pence. How I had been robbed in the valley I inform∣ed the Senators, who told me that in very truth the people of that side were bad li∣vers, and naturally theevish, whereby I perceived well, that as we have with us the Countreys cisalpin and transalpine, that is, behither and beyond the mountains, so have they there the Countreys cidentine and tra∣dentine, that is, behither and beyond the teeth: but it is farre better living on this side, and the aire is purer. There I began to think, that it is very true which is common∣ly said, that the one half of the world know∣eth not how the other half liveth; seeing none before my self had ever written of that Countrey, wherein are above five and twen∣ty Kingdomes inhabited, besides deserts, and a great arme of the sea: concerning which purpose, I have composed a great book inti∣tuled

The History of the Throttias, because they dwell in the throat of my Master Pan∣tagruel.

At last I was willing to return, and pas∣sing by his beard, I cast my self upon his shoulders, and from thence slid down to the ground, and fell before him: assoon as I was perceived by him, he asked me, Whence comest thou, Alcosribas? I answered him, Out of your mouth, my Lord? and how long hast thou been there? said he. Since the time (said I) that you went against the Almirods; That is, about six moneths ago, said he: and wherewith didst thou live? what didst thou drink? I answered, My Lord, of the same that you did, and of the daintiest morsels that past through your throat I took toll: Yea, but said he, where didst thou shite? In your throat (my Lord) said I: Ha, ha, thou art a merry fellow, said he. We have with the help of God conquer∣ed all the land of the Dipsodes, I will give thee the Chastelleine, or Lairdship of Salmi∣gondin; Grammercy, my Lord, said I, you gratifie me beyond all that I have deserved of you.

CHAP. XXXIII. How Pantagruel became sick, and the manner how he was recovered.

A While after this the good Pantagruel fell sick, and had such an obstruction in his stomack, that he could neither eate nor drink: and because mischief seldome comes alone, a hot pisse seised on him, which tormented him more then you would be∣leeve: His Physicians neverthelesse helped him very well, and with store of lenitives and diuretick drugs made him pisse away his paine: his urine was so hot, that since that time it is not yet cold, and you have of it in divers places of France, according to the course that it took, and they are called the hot Baths, as

• At Coderets.
• At Limous.
• At Dast.
• At Ballervie.
• At Nerie.
• At Bourbonansie and elsewhere in Italic.
• At Mongros.
• At Appone.
• At Sancto Petro de Adua.
• ...

• At St. Helen.
• At Casa Nuova.
• At St. Bartolomee in the County of Boulogne.
• At the Lorrette, and a thousand o∣ther places.

And I wonder much at a rabble of foolish Philosophers and Physicians, who spend their time in disputing, whence the heat of the said waters cometh, whether it be by reason of Borax, or sulphur, or allum, or salt-peter that is within the mine; for they do nothing but dote, and better were it for them to rub their arse against a thistle, then to waste away their time thus in disputing of that, whereof they know not the original; for the resolution is easie, neither need we to enquire any further, then that the said baths came by a hot pisse of the good Pantagruel.

Now to tell you after what manner he was cured of his principal disease; I let passe how for a minorative, or gentle potion, he took foure hundred pound weight of Colo∣phoniack Scammonee: six score and eighteen cart-loads of Cassia: an eleven thoufand and nine hundred pound weight of Rubarb, be∣sides other confused jumblings of sundry drugs: You must understand, that by the advice of the Physicians, it was ordained that what did offend his stomach should be taken away; and therefore they made seventeen great balls of copper, each whereof was big∣ger

then that which is to be seen on the top of St. Peters needle at Rome, and in such sort, that they did open in the midst, and shut with a spring. Into one of them entered one of his men carrying a Lanterne and a torch lighted, and so Pantagruel swallowed him down like a little pill: into seven others went seven Countrey-fellows, having every one of them a shovel on his neck: into nine o∣thers entred nine wood-carriers, having each of them a basket hung at his neck, and so were they swallowed down like pills: when they were in his stomack, every one undid his spring, and came out of their ca∣bins: the first whereof was he that carried the Lantern, and so they fell more then half a league into a most horrible gulph, more stinking and infectious then ever was Me∣phitis, or the marishes of Camerina, or the abominably unsavoury lake of Sorbona, whereof Strabo maketh mention. And had it not been, that they had very well an∣tidoted their stomach, heart and wine-pot, which is called the noddle, they had been altogether suffocated and choaked with these detestable vapours. O what a per∣fume! O what an evaporation wherewith to beray the masks or muflers of young mangie queans: after that with groping and smelling they came near to the fecal matter and the corrupted humours; finally

they found a montjoy or heap of ordure and filth: then fell the Pioneers to work to dig it up, and the rest with their shovels filled the baskets; and when all was cleansed, e∣very one retired himself into his ball.

This done, Pantagruel enforcing himself to a vomit, very easily brought them out, and they made no more shew in his mouth, then a fart in yours: but when they came merrily out of their pills, I thought upon the Grecians coming out of the Trojan horse: by this meanes was he healed, and brought unto his former state and convalescence; and of these brazen pills, or rather cop∣per-balls, you have one at Orleans, upon the steeple of the Holy Crosse Church.

CHAP. XXXIV. The Conclusion of this present Book, and the excuse of the Author.

NOw (my Masters) you have heard a beginning of the horrisick history of my Lord and Master Pantagruel: Here will I make an end of the first book; My head akes a little, and I perceive that the Regi∣sters of my braine, are somewhat jumbled and disordered with this septembral juice. You shall have the rest of the history at Franckfort mart next coming, and there shall you see how Panurge was married and made a Cuckold within a moneth after his wed∣ding: how Pantagruel found out the Philo∣sophers stone, the manner how he found it, and the way how to use it: how he past o∣ver the Caspian mountaines, and how he sailed thorough the Atlantick sea, defeated the Cannibals, and conquered the isles of Perles, how he married the daughter of the King of India, called Presian, how he fought against the devil, and burnt up five cham∣bers of hell, ransacked the great black chamber, threw Proserpina into the fire,

broke five teeth to Lucifer, and the horne that was in his arse. How he visited the re∣gions of the Moon, to know whether in∣deed the Moon were not entire and whole, or if the women had three quarters of it in their heads, and a thousand other little mer∣riments all veritable. These are brave things truly; Good night, Gentlemen, Perdonate mi, and think not so much upon my faults, that you forget your own. If you say to me, (Master) it would seem that you were not ve∣ry wise in writing to us these flimflam stories, and pleasant fooleries.

I answer you, that you are not much wi∣ser to spend your time in reading them: ne∣verthelesse, if you read them to make your selves merry, as in manner of pastime I wrote them, you and I both are farre more worthy of pardon, then a great rabble of squint-minded fellowes, dissembling and counterfeit Saints, demure lookers, hypo∣crites, pretended zealots, tough Fryars, bus∣kin-Monks, and other such sects of men, who disguise themselves like Maskers to de∣ceive the world, for whilest they give the common people to understand, that they are busied about nothing but contemplati∣on and devotion in fastings, and maceration of their sensuality; and that only to sustain and aliment the small frailty of their humani∣ty: It is so far otherwise, that on the contrary

(God knows) what cheer they make, Et Curios simulant, sed bacchanalia vivunt. You may reade it in great letters, in the colouring of their red snowts, and gulching bellies as big as a tun, unlesse it be when they per∣fume themselves with sulphur; as for their study it is wholly taken up in reading of Pan∣tagruelin books, not so much to passe the time merrily, as to hurt some one or other mis∣chievously, to wit, in articling, sole-articling, wry-neckifying, buttock-stirring, ballocking, and diabliculating, that is, calumniating; wherein they are like unto the poor rogues of a village, that are busie in stirring up and scra∣ping in the ordure and filth of little children, in the season of cherries and guinds, and that only to finde the kernels, that they may sell them to the druggists, to make thereof po∣mander-oile. Fly from these men, abhorre and hate them as much as I do, and upon my faith you will finde your selves the better for it. And if you desire to be good Pantagru∣elists (that is to say, to live in peace, joy, health, making your selves alwayes merry) never trust those men that alwayes peep out at one hole.

The End of the Second Book of Rabelais.

FINIS.

Notes

• * 1.1

  Pansart mardigras.