The ordinary a comedy / written by William Cartvvright ...

ACT. I. SCEN. I.

Hearesay, Slicer, Shape, Meanewell.

Hear.

WE're made my Boys, we're made; me thinks I am Growing into a thing that will be worship'd.

Slic.

I shall sleep one day in my Chaine, and Skarlet At Spittle-Sermon.

Shap.

Were not my wit such I'd put out monies of being Maior. But O this braine of mine! that's it that will Barre me the City Honour.

Hear.

We're cry'd up O'th' sudden for the sole Tutors of the Age.

Shap.

Esteem'd discreet, sage, trainers up of youth.

Hear.

Our house becomes a place of Visit now.

Slic.

In my poore judgement 'tis as good my Lady Should venture to commit her eldest sonne To us, as to the Inns of Court: hee'l be Undone here only with lesse Ceremony.

Hear.

Speak for our credit my brave man of War. What Meane-well, why so lumpish?

Mean.

Pray y' be quiet.

Hear.

Thou look'st as if thou plott'st the calling in O'th' Declaration, or th' Abolishing O'th' Common-Prayers; cheare up; say something for us.

Mean.

Pray vexe me not.

Slic.

These foolish puling sighs Are good for nothing, but to endanger Buttons. Take heart of grace man.

Mean.

Fie y'are troublesome.

Hear.

Nay fare you well then Sir.

[Ex. Hea. Sli. Sha.

Mean.

My Father still Runs in my mind, meets all my thoughts, and doth Mingle himselfe in all my Cogitations, Thus to see eager villaines drag along Him, unto whom they crouch'd; to see him hal'd, That ne'r knew what compulsion was, but when His vertues did incite him to good deeds, And keep my sword dry—O unequall Nature! Why was I made so patient as to view, And not so strong as to redeeme? why should I Dare to behold, and yet not dare to rescue? Had I been destitute of weapons, yet Arm'd with the only name of Son, I might Have outdone wonder. Naked Piety Dares more than Fury well-appointed▪ Bloud Being never better sacrific'd, than when It flowes to him that gave it. But alas, The envy of my Fortune did allow That only, which she could not take away, Compassion; that which was not in those savage, And knowing Beasts; those Engines of the Law, The even kill as uncontroul'd, as that. How doe I grieve, when I consider from

What hands he suffer'd! hands that doe excuse Th' indulgent Prison; shackles being here A kind of Rescue. Young man tis not well To see thy aged Father thus confin'd, Good, good old man; alas thou 'rt dead to me, Dead to the world, and only living to That which is more than death, thy misery: The Grave could be a comfort: And shall I— O would this Soule of mine—But Death's the wish Of him that feares; hee's lazie that would dye. I'le live and see that thing of wealth, that worme Bred out of splendid mucke; that Citizen Like his owne sully'd Wares throwne by into Some unregarded corner, and my Piety Shall be as famous as his Avarice; His Son whom we have in our Tuition Shall be the Subject of my good Revenge; I'le count my selfe no child, till I have done Something thats worth that name: my Braine shall be Busie in his undoing; and I will Plot ruine with Religion; his disgrace Shall be my Zeales contrivement; and when this Shall stile me Son againe, I hope 'twill be Counted not wrong, but Duty. When that time Shall give my Actions growth, I will cast off This brood of Vipers: and will shew that I Doe hate the Poyson, which I meanet' apply.

Exit.

ACT. I. SCEN. II.

M^rs Potlucke

Pot.

NOw help good Heaven! 'tis such an uncouth thing To be a widow out of Term-time—I Doe feele such aguish Qualmes, and dumps and fits,

And shakings still an end—I lately was A wife I do confesse, but yet I had No husband: he (alas) was dead to me Even when he liv'd unto the world; I was A widdow whiles he breath'd; his death did only Make others know so much. But yet—

[Enter Hear.

Hear.

How now? So melancholy sweet?

Pot.

How could I choose Being thou wert not here? the time is come, Thou'lt be as good unto me as thy word?

Hear.

Nay, hang me if I er'e recant. You'l take me Both wind and limb at th' venture, will you not?

Pot.

Ay good Chuck, every inch of thee, she were No true woman that would not.

Hear.

I must tell you One thing, and yet I'm loth.

Pot.

I am thy Rib, Thou must keep nothing from thy Rib, good Chuck; Thy yoak-fellow must know all thy secrets.

Hear.

Why then I'l tell you sweet.

[He whispers her

Pot.

Heaven defend!

Hear.

'Tis true.

Pot.

Now God forbid; and would you offer T' undoe a widdow-woman so? I had As leive the old Vintner were alive againe.

Hear.

I was not born with it I confesse; but lying In Turky for Intelligence, the great Turk, Somewhat suspicious of me, lest I might Entice some o'th' Seraglio, did command I should be forthwith cut.

Pot.

A heathen deed It was: none but an Infidel could have The heart to do it.

Hear.

Now you know the worst

That you must trust to, come lets to the Church.

Pot.

Good Mr Hear-say, Nature ne'r intended One woman should be joyned to another. The holy blessing of all wedlock was T'encrease and multiply, as Mr Christopher Did well observe last Sabbath. Ile not do Any thing 'gainst Gods word. I do release you Of all your promises, and that it may not Be said you lost by loving me, take this. Perhaps I may get you a contribution O'th' women of the Parish, as I did The broken-bellied-man the other day.

Hear.

Seeing you needs will cast me off▪ let me Intreat this one thing of you that you would not Make me your Table-talk, at the next Gossiping.

Exit.

[En. Slic.

Pot.

Indeed I pitty thee poor thing, or rather I pitty thee poore nothing. Good Lieutenant How dost thou? Thou art mindfull of thy Promise?

Slic.

What else my jolly wench?

Pot.

Good sweet Lieutenant Give me but leave to aske one Question of you, Art thou intire and sound in all thy limbs?

Slic.

To tell the very truth, ere now I've had A spice o'th' Pox, or so; but now I am sound As any Bell (Hem) wast not shrill my Girle, ha?

Pot.

I do not aske thee about these diseases; My question is whether thou'st all thy parts.

Slic.

Faith I have lost a joint or two; as none Of our Profession come off whole, unlesse The Generall, and some sneaks.

Pot.

My meaning is Whether that something is not wanting that Should write thee husband.

Slic.

Ne'r feare that my wench; Dost think the King would send me to the wars

Without I had my weapons? Eunuchs are not Men of imploiment in these dayes; his Majesty Hath newly put me on a peece of service; And if I e're come off (which I doe feare I shan't, the danger is so great) brave Widow Wee'l to't and get Commanders.

Potl.

If you can Leave me, I can leave you: there are other men That won't refuse a Fortune when 'tis proffer'd.

Slic.

Well, I must to his Majesty, think on't; So fare thee well. Thine to his very Death, That is a Month or two perhaps, D. Slicer.

[Ex. En. Sha.

Potl.

Kind Master Shape, you are exceeding welcome. Here hath bin M^r Hearsay, and Lieutenant

Slicer:

You may ghesse at their businesse, but I hope you thinke me faithfull.

Sh.

I beleeve The memory of your Husbands ashes, which Scarce yet are cold, extinguisheth all flames That tend to kindling any Love-fire: 'Tis A vertue in you, which I must admire That only you amongst so many should Be the sole Turtle of the Age.

Potl.

I doe Beare him in memory I confesse; but when I doe remember what your promise was When he lay sicke, it doth take something from The bitternesse of Sorrow. Woman was Not made to be alone still.

Sh.

Tender things At seventeen may use that plea; but you Are now arriv'd at Matron: these young sparkes Are rak'd up, I presume, in sager Embers.

Potl.

Nay don't abuse her that must be your Wife; You might have pitty, & not come with your nicknames,

And call me Turtle: have I deserv'd this?

Sh.

If that you once hold merits, I have done; I'm glad I know what's your Religion.

Potl.

What's my Religion? 'tis well known there hath Been no Religion in my house e'r since My Husband dy'd.

Ent. Slic. Hearsay.

Hear.

How now sweet Shape? so close Alone w' your Widow.

Sh.

Sirs dare you beleeve it? This thing, whose prayer it hath been these ten Yeares, that she may obtaine the second tooth, And the third haire, now dotes on me, on me That doe refuse all that are past sixteen.

Slic.

Why faith this was her sute to me just now.

Hear.

I had the first on't then. A Coachman, or A Groome were fitter far for her.

Slic.

You doe Honour her too much to thinke she deserves A thing that can lust moderately, give her The sorrell Stallion in my Lords long stable.

Sha.

Or the same colour'd Brother, which is worse.

Potl.

Why Gentlemen—

Hear.

Foh, foh! she hath let fly.

Potl.

Doe y' think I have no more manners than so?

Sha.

Nay faith I can excuse her for that: But I must confesse she spoke, which is all one.

Slic.

Her breath would rout an Army, sooner than That of a Cannon.

Hear.

It would lay a Devill Sooner than all Trithemius charmes.

Sha.

Heark how It blusters in her nosthrils like a wind In a foule Chimney.

Potl.

Out you base companions, You stinking Swabbers.

Hear.

For her gate, that's such, As if her nose did strive t'outrun her heels.

Sha.

She's just six yards behind, when that appears; It saves an Usher Madam.

Pot.

You are all Most foul-mouth'd knaves to use a woman thus.

Sli.

Your playster'd face doth drop against moist wea∣ther.

Sha.

Fie, how you writh it; now it looks just like A ruffled boot.

Slic.

Or an oyld paper Lanthorn.

Hear.

Her nose the candle in the midst of it.

Sha.

How bright it flames? Put out your nose good Lady Your burn day-light.

Pot.

Come up you lowsie Raskals.

Hear.

Not upon you for a Kingdom good Joane, The great Turk, Joane—the great Turk.

Slic.

Kisse him Chuck, Kisse him Chuck open'd mouth'd and be reveng'd.

Pot.

Hang you base cheating Varlet.

Slic.

Don't you see December in her face?

Sha.

Sure the Surveyer Of the high-waies will have to do with her For not keeping her countenance passable.

Hear.

There lies a hoare frost on her head, and yet A constant thaw in her nose.

Sha.

She's like a peece Of fire-wood, dropping at one end, and yet Burning i'th' midst.

Slic.

O that endeavouring face! When will your costivenesse have done good Madam?

Hear.

Do you not heare her Guts already squeake Like Kitstrings?

Slic.

They must come to that within This two or three yeares; by that time shee'l be

True perfect Cat: They practise before hand.

Pot.

I can endure no longer, though I should Throw off my womanhood.

Hear.

No need, that's done Already: nothing left thee, that may stile thee Woman but Lust, and Tongue; no flesh but what The vices of the sex exact, to keep them In heart.

Sha.

Thou art so leane and out of case That 'twere absurd to call thee Devill incarnate.

Slic.

Th'art a dry Devill troubled with the lust Of that thou hast not, flesh.

Pot.

Rogue, Raskall, Villaine, Ile shew your cheating tricks I faith: all shall Be now laid open. Have I suffer'd you Thus long i' my house, and ne'r demanded yet One penny rent, for this? Ile have it all, By this good blessed light I will.

Hear.

You may If that you please undo your self, you may. I will not strive to hinder you. There is Something contriving for you, which may be Perhaps yet brought about, a Match or so; A proper fellow; 'tis a trifle, that; A thing you care not for I know. Have I Plotted to take you off from these to match you In better sort, and am us'd thus? As for The Rent you aske, here take it, take your money; Fill, choake your gaping throat. But if as yet You are not deaf to counsell, let me tell you It had been better that you ne'r had took It may stop some proceedings.

Pot.

Mr Hearsay, You know you may have even my heart out of My belly (as they say) if you'l but take

The paines to reach it out; I am sometimes Peevish I doe confesse; here take your money.

Hear.

No.

Potl.

Good Sir.

Hear.

No, keep it and hoord it up. My purse is no safe place for it.

Potl.

Let me Request you that you would be pleas'd to take it.

Hear.

Alas 'twould only trouble me; I can As willingly goe light, as be your Treasurer.

Potl.

Good Mr Slicer speake to him to take it, Sweet Mr Shape, joyne with him.

Slic.

Nay, be once O'rerul'd by a woman.

Sha.

Come, come, you shall take it.

Potl.

Nay Faith you shall; here put it up good Sir.

Hear.

Upon intreaty I'm content for once; But make no Custome of't; you doe presume Upon my easie foolishnesse; 'tis that Makes you so bold: were it another man He ne'r would have to doe with you. But marke me, If e'r I find you in this mood againe, I'le dash your hopes of Marriage for ever.

Ex. all but Hear.

ACT. I. SCEN. 3.

To him, Meanewell, Andrew.

And.

GOd save you Tutors both.

Mean.

Fie Andrew, fie; What kisse your hand? you smell, not complement.

Hear.

Besides, you come too near when you salute. Your breath may be discover'd; and you give

Advantage unto him you thus accoast To shake you by the hand, which often doth Endanger the whole arme. Your Gallant's like The Chrystall glasse, brittle; rude handling crackes him. To be saluted so were to be wounded. His parts would fall asunder like unto Spilt Quicksilver; an Eare, an Eye, a Nose Would drop like Summer fruit from shaken Trees.

Mean.

For the same reason I'd not have you dance. Some Courtiers, I confesse, doe use it; but They are the sounder sort, those foolish ones That have a care of health, which you shall not If you'l be rul'd by me. The hazard's great, 'Tis an adventure, an exploit, a piece Of service for a Gentleman to caper.

Hear.

A Gallant's like a Leg of Mutton, boyl'd By a Spanish Cooke; take him but by the one End And shake him, all the flesh fals from the bones, And leaves them bare immediately.

And.

I would Not be a leg of Mutton here.

Hear.

I saw In France a Monsieur, only in the Cutting Of one crosse Caper, Rise a man, and come Downe, to th' amazement of the standers by, A true extemporary Skeleton; And was strait read on.

And.

Sure this man, Good Tutor, was quite rotten.

Mean.

See how you Betray your breeding now! quite rotten! 'tis Rottennesse perhaps in Footmen, or in Yeomen, 'Tis tendernesse in Gentlemen; They are A little over-boyl'd, or so.

Hear.

He is

A Churle, a Hind, that's wholesome; some raw thing That ne're was at London: One in whom The Clown is too predominant. Refin'd People feele Naples in their bodies; and An Ach i'th' bones at Sixteen, passeth now For high dissent; it argues a great birth. Low blouds are never worthy such infection.

An.

Ay, but my Father bid me I should live honest, And say my Prayers, that he did.

Hear.

If that You cannot sleep at any time, we do Allow you to begin your Prayers, that so A slumber may seize on you.

Mean.

But as for Your living honost, 'twere to take away A trade i'th' Common-wealth; the Surgeons Benefit would go down: you may go on In foolish chastity, eate only Sallads, Walk an unskilfull thing, and be to learn Something the first night of your wife; but that's To marry out of fashion.

An.

Here's no Proofes, No Doctrines, nor no Uses. Tutor I Would fain learn some Religion.

Hear.

Religion? Yes to become a Martyr, and be pictur'd With a long Labell out o' your mouth, like those In Foxes Book; just like a Jugler drawing Ribband out of his throat.

An.

I must be gone.

Mean.

Obedience is the first step unto science; Stay and be wise.

An.

Indeed I dare not stay The Glyster works you sent to purge gross humors.

[Ex.

Mean.

Being you will not take your Lecture out

Good morrow to y' good Andrew. This soft foole Must swim in's Fathers wealth. It is a curse That Fortune justly makes the City's lot, The young Fool spends what e're the old Knave got.

Ex. Mean.

ACT. I. SCEN. IV.

To Hearsay, enter Slicer and Credulous.

Hear.

SIr let me tell you this is not the least Of things wherein your wisedome shewes it self, In that you've plac'd your Son in this good sort.

Cred.

Nay nay, let me alone to give him breeding; I did not hold the University▪ Fit for the training up of such a Spirit.

Slic.

The University? 't had been the only way T' have took him off his courage, and his mettal, He had return'd as Slaves doe from the Gallies, A naked shorn thing with a thin dockt top, Learnedly cut into a Logick mode.

Hear.

A private Oath given him at first Entrance Had sworn him Pilgrim unto Conventicles; Engag'd him to the hate of all, but what Pleaseth the stubborn froward Elect.

Slic.

But we Following another Modell doe allow Freedome and courage, cherish and maintaine High noble thoughts—

Hear.

Set nature free, and are Chymists of manners—

Sli.

Do instruct of States—

Hear.

And Wars: there's one, look on him—

Slic.

Doe but view That searching Head—

Hear.

The very soule of Battell,

True steele.

Slic.

H' hath been an Agent some few years (A score or so) for Princes, and as yet Doth not write forty.

Hear.

I confesse I can Discover th' Entrailes of a State perhaps, Lay open a Kingdoms Paunches, shew the bowels And inwards of a Seigniory or two; But for your deeds of Valour, there is one, Although I speak it to his face, that can Write a Geography by his own Conquests. H' hath fought o'r Strabo, Ptolomy and Stafford; Travell'd as far in arms, as Lithgoe naked. Born weapons whither Coriat durst not Carry a shirt or shooes. Jack Mandevil Ne'r saild so far as he hath steerd by Land; Using his Colours both for mast and saile.

Cred.

I'd thought h' had been Leiutenant.

Hear.

That's all one.

Slic.

I've worn some Leather out abroad; let out A heathen Soul or two; fed this good sword With the black bloud of Pagan Christians; Converted a few Infidels with it. But let that passe. That man of peace there hath Been trusted with Kings Breasts—

Hear.

His name is heard Like Thunder, and that meer word, Slicer, hath Sufficed unto victory.

Slic.

He's close, Reserv'd, lock'd up. The secrets of the King Of Tartary, of China, and some other Counsels of moment have been so long kept In's body without vent, that every morning Before he covers them with some warme thing Or other you may smell 'em very strongly;

Distinguish each of them by severall sents—

Hear.

A grove of Pikes are rushes to him, hail More frights you, than a shower of Bullets him—

Slic.

The Dutch come up like broken beer; the Irish Savour of Usquebaugh; the Spanish they Smell like unto perfume at first, but then After a while end in a fatall steame—

Hear.

One Drum's his Table, the other is his Musick. His Sword's his Knife, his Colours are his Napkins▪ Carves nourishing Horse, as he is us'd to do The hostile Paguim, or we venison: Eates Gunpowder with his meat instead of Pepper, Then drinks o'r all his Bandeleers, and fights—

Slic.

Secrets are rank'd and order'd in his belly, Just like Tobacco leaves laid in a sweat. Here lies a row of Indian secrets, then Something of 's own on them; on that another Of China Counsels, cover'd with a lidd Of New-found-land discoveries; next, a bed Of Russia Policies, on them a lay Of Prester-Johnion whispers—

Hear.

Slights a tempest; Counts lightning but a giving fire, and thunder The loud report when heaven hath discharg'd. H' hath with his breath supplyed a breach. When he's once fixt no Engine can remove him.

Slic.

'Twould be a Policy worth hatching, to Have him dissected, if 'twere not too cruell. All states would lye as open as his bowels. Turkey in's bloudy Liver; Italy Be found in's reines; Spaine busie in his Stomack; Venice would float in's Bladder; Holland saile Up and down all his veines; Bavaria lie Close in some little gut, and Ragioni Di Stato generally reek in all.

Cred.

I see my Son's too happy; he is born To be some man of Action, some Engine For th' overthrow of Kingdomes.

Hear.

Troth he may Divert the Torrent of the Turkish rule Into some other Tract; damme up the streame Of that vast headlong Monarchy, if that He want not meanes to compasse his intents.

Cred.

The Turkish Monarchy's a thing too big For him to mannage; he may make perhaps The Governour of some new little Island, And there plant Faith and Zeale: But for the present M'ambition's only to contrive a Match Between Sir Thomas Bite-figg's only Daughter, And (if I may so call him now) my Son; 'Twill raise his Fortunes somewhat.

Slic.

We have got One that will doe more good with's tongue that way Than that uxorious showre that came from Heaven, But you must oyle it first.

Cred.

I understand you Greaze him i'th'fist you meane: there's just ten Peeces, 'Tis but an earnest: If he bring't about, I'le make those then a hundred.

Hear.

Thinke it done.

Ex. Cred. & Ent. Sh. Mean.

ACT. I. SCEN. V.

Hearsay, Slicer, Meanewell, Shape.

OUr life methinks is but the same with others; To couzen, and be couzen'd, makes the Age. The Prey and Feeder are that Civill thing That Sager heads call Body Politick. Here is the only difference; others cheat

By statute, but we do't upon no grounds. The fraud's the same in both, there only wants Allowance to our way: the Common-wealth Hath not declar'd her self as yet for us; Wherefore our Policy must be our Charter.

Mea.

Well mannag'd Knav'ry is but one degree Below plaine Honesty.

Slic.

Give me villany That's circumspect, and well advis'd, that doth Colour at least for goodnesse. If the Cloake And Mantle were pull'd off from things, 'twould be As hard to meet an honest Action as A liberall Alderman, or a Court Nun.

Hear.

Knowing then how we must direct our steps, Let us chalk out our paths; you, Shape, know yours.

Sha.

Where e'r I light on Fortune, my Commission Will hold to take her up: I'l ease my silken Friends of that idle luggage, we call Money.

Hear.

For my good toothlesse Countesse, let us try To win that old Emerit thing, that like An Image in a German clock, doth move, Not walke, I meane that rotten Antiquary.

Mean.

Hee'i surely love her, 'cause she looks like some Old ruin'd peece, that was five Ages backward.

Hear.

To the great Vestry wit, the Livery braine, My Common-Councell Pate, that doth determine A City businesse with his gloves on's head, We must apply good hope of wealth and meanes.

Slic.

That griping Knight Sir Thomas must be call'd With the same lure: he knows t' a crum how much Losse is in twenty dozen of Bread, between That which is broke by th' hand, and that is cut. Which way best keeps his Candles, bran or straw. What tallow's lost in putting of 'm out By spittle, what by foot, what by the puffe,

What by the holding downwards, and what by The extinguisher; which week will longest be In lighting, which spend fastest; he must heare Nothing but Moyties, and Lives, and Farmes, Coppies, and Tenures▪ he is deaf to th'rest.

Mean.

I'l speak the language of the wealthy to him. My mouth shall swill with Bags, Revenues, Fees, Estates, Reversions, Incomes, and assurance. He's in the Gin already, for his Daughter Shee'l be an easie purchase.

Hear.

I do hope We shall grow famous; have all sorts repaire As duly to us, as the barren Wives Of aged Citizens do to St Antholins. Come let us take our Quarters: we may come To be some great Officers in time, And with a reverend Magisterial frown, Passe sentence on those faults that are our own.

Ex Om.