A world of vvonders: or An introduction to a treatise touching the conformitie of ancient and moderne wonders or a preparatiue treatise to the Apologie for Herodotus. The argument whereof is taken from the Apologie for Herodotus written in Latine by Henrie Stephen, and continued here by the author himselfe. Translated out of the best corrected French copie.

CHAP. XXXVI. Of certaine fine fetches and daintie deuices vsed by the foresaid Preachers to make their auditors laugh or weepe; to winne an opinion of holinesse, and to keepe their kitchins hot: as also of their foolish and ridiculous speeches.

ALbeit these iolly Preachers (formerly spoken of) held this opinion, and taught it as a most certen truth, that Christ neuer laughed in all his life: yet they followed not his example herein. What say I, fol∣lowed? Nay, they tooke such pleasure in ridiculous and Scoggin-like speeches, as that they were not ashamed in preaching of the passion, to vse sundry ridiculous ieasts, and diuers sorts of quips and girding taunts: and some no•• herewith content, haue vsed many apish gestures tending to this end. Of which number there was a Franciscan, who hauing layd a wager that he would make the one halfe of his auditors laugh, and the other halfe weepe, at the same instant, and that vpon good friday; vsed this deuice: He put on a garment which was very short behind, leauing off his breeches. Then standing in the mid∣dest of his auditory in a pulpit which was open behind, he began to exclaime a∣gainst the impietie of the Iewes, declaring the excessiue torments which they in∣flicted vpon our Sauiour Christ: and withall bowed his head and his shoulders, and crossed his armes in such sort, that he layed open all his hinder parts; which those behind the pulpit had no sooner espied, but they brake out into a great laughter. Contrarily, those that stood before him could not forbeare weeping by reason of his patheticall speeches and tragicall gestures. And thus he wonne the wager, making the one halfe to laugh and the other halfe to weepe at the same time.

2 Another Franciscan (called by Erasmus, Robert Liciensis) hauing boasted at a banket, that he could make his auditors weepe when he listed: one of the com∣pany laughed him to scorne, and said, that he might haply make some silly soules, as women, idiots or yong children to weepe, but that it was impossible he should make any man weepe that had any wit. At which words the Monk was halfe mad to be so mocked, and said, You then (Sir) that seeme to be so graue, come to mor∣row to my Sermon, and stand in the place that I shall appoint you, right ouer a∣gainst me, and if I do not make you weepe, I will giue this company a banquet; but if I do, you shall giue me one. It being thus agreed vpon, he went the next day and sate where the Monke appointed him. Then came in the Franciscan, proui∣ded

to preach, and not vnmindful of his wager, began to discourse of Gods boun∣tie and goodnesse towards men, and how they shewed themselues vngratefull for his dayly blessings bestowed vpon them: and that they were so hardened in their wicked wayes, that they could not be reclaimed by any meanes, nor drawne by any perswasion to repentance, or to mutuall loue and charitie one towards ano∣ther. Then pressing the point a litle further, in the end he brought in God himself speaking on this wise: O heart harder then steele, ô heart harder then the adamant: The steele is softened with fire, the adamant is dissolued with goates bloud: but do I what I can, yet can I not make thee shed one teare. And not content to haue spoken it once or twice, he repeated it againe and againe, raising his voice louder and louder: so that at the last the man that had layd the wager with him, could forbeare weeping no more then his fellowes. Which when the Franciscan espied, he stretched out his hand and said, I haue won. These words his auditors tooke as spoken in the person of God; as if he should haue said, I haue preuailed, as ha∣uing obtained that which I desired, viz. the mollifying and softening of their hearts.

3 The same Robert kept a sweet heart by the dispensation of his S. Francis, who told him on a time that she liked him well in all points, were it not for his ha∣bit. I pray thee then (quoth he) tell me in what habit thou likest me best? In the habit of a souldier (quoth she.) Go to, said the Frier, faile not to come to my Ser∣mon to morrow. Now the next morning he went into the pulpit with his sword by his side, armed souldier-like at all points, vnder his gowne. And beginning his Sermon with an exhortation to Princes to wage warre against the Saracens, Turks, and other enemies of Christendome, in the end he brake forth into these words: Is it not a lamentable thing that no man will offer himselfe to be Chieftaine of so laudable an enterprise? If that be the matter, behold I am here ready to pul off this habit of S. Francis, and to serue as a captain or common souldier. At which words he cast off his gowne, and preached halfe an houre in the habit of a captaine. Not long after being sent for by certaine Cardinals his friends, and demaunded the cause of this his new kinde of preaching: he answered, that he did it to please his sweet heart, as hath bin said.

4 The same Robert being to preach before the Pope and his Cardinals; when he had well considered all their pompe, and how they reuerenced and adored the Pope, said neuer a word, but Fie Saint Peter, Fie Saint Paul: which when he had di∣uers times repeated, spitting first on the one side, and then on the other (as those whose stomacks are ouercharged,) he went out of the pulpit, leauing all his audi∣tors much amazed; some thinking he had bene bereft of his wits: others, that he had bene tainted with some heresie. And as they were ready to imprison him, a Cardinal (who knew his humor better then the rest, and bare him some good wil) made meanes to the Pope that he might be sent for, to giue a reason before him and the Cardinals there present, of those words. Whereupon being demaunded what he meant by such horrible blasphemy? he answered that his purpose was to haue spoken of another argument (which he expounded vnto them summarily) but considering (quoth he) that you so enioy your pleasures in this world, and that there is no pompe nor magnificence like to yours: and on the other side, con∣sidering in what great pouertie, anguish and misery the Apostles liued, I thought with my selfe, doubtlesse either the Apostles were great fooles to take such a tedi∣ous and troublesome way to go to heauen, or these men are in the ready way to hell. But as for you (Sirs) which keepe the keyes of the kingdome of heauen,

I cannot conceiue amisse of you: as for the Apostles, I cannot but scorne them as the veriest fooles in the world, in that liuing as you do, they might haue gone to heauen, yet chose rather to leade such a strict and painfull life.

5 I now proceed to the inuentions of other Popish Preachers recorded by the same author out of whom I had all my former stories, namely by Erasmus. A certaine Preacher hauing a long time cried out against such as addicted and deuo∣ted themselues to the seruice of the diuell, represented to them vpon the sodaine a man with a vizard on his face, hauing eyes like flaming fire, a great crooked beak, teeth like a wild Boare, and crooked nailes, holding a forke of a strange fashion in his hand, casting out a hideous voice: who whilest they all looked stedfastly vpon him, said, See what a maister you serue, setting Christ aside. Which story I will here pa∣rallele with another very fit for this purpose, which was payed me or rather giuen me in exchange for the former, by a gentlewoman of Lorraine, my very friend, of one that preached in a village in Lorraine, who after he had shewed his auditors that they should all go to hell except they did amend. And what (quoth he) do you thinke hell is? Do you see that hole? I tell you it stinkes ill, but hell stinkes farre worse. Where note, that the hole which he shewed them was the Sextons poste∣riorums, who agreed with him to play this pageant.

6 I returne to Erasmus, who reports that he had seene certaine Monkes, who passing through the throng to go to the pulpit, couered their faces with their couls, and when they kneeled downe to pray to the fountaine of grace, and said their Aue Maria, knocked their knees so hard against the bottome of the pulpit, that all the Church might heare the noise. He saith also that he heard report of an Italian preacher, who going into the pulpit, couered his head with a cloake▪ that he neuer preached in Churches but in the open aire: that he would not admit any man to come and talke with him (for he denied that fauour to Princes) that he lay vpon the hard boords, contenting himselfe with bread and water; that he had a pale and leane face as if it had bin the very picture of death: that he spake by an Interpreter, and vsed strange gestures and outcries, by which he did affright the people; somtimes thrusting his head into an halter, counterfaiting with his eyes those that are strangled, and then better aduised, and (as it were) coming to himselfe againe, vncouering himselfe and striking his breast with his fist, cryed in his Italian, Miseri∣cordia, Misericordia: that he vsed bitterly to inueigh against dice, cards, and tabers, as also against such as wore feathers, so that he pulled on a time a feather out of a gent••••••ans hat, who sate neare the pulpit, & rent it in a thousand peeces, casting it here and there among the people, making horrible outcryes. He also reports of a∣nother who hauing made a long and vehement inuectiue against the wickednesse of the people in crucifying Christ afresh, shewed them a crucifixe, whereunto were tied bladders full of bloud, which sprang forth when he touched them, and thereof ••e tooke and sprinkled among the people.

7 But let vs now listen to the actions and speeches of these gentle Sir Iohns, of some of which my self am witnesse: others I haue heard, and others I haue read: some in the newes of the Queene of Nauarre, and others elsewhere. I haue heard of one who preaching at Orleans, iested and gibed at his auditors, telling them that he would shew them a cuckold, and thereupon made as if he would haue cast a stone at him: where when they all stouped downe for feare of being hit: Oh, oh, (quoth he) I had thought there had bene but one, but now I see you are all cuc∣kolds.

8 Another in the countrey of Beauuois preaching in a medow, hauing migh∣tily

inueyed against the Lutherans, told his auditors that he was much afraid lest some of them were infected with the leauen of their diuellish doctrine: & therfore desired those whose conscience told them they were not tainted therewith, but were good and sound Catholickes, to kneele downe and to take a mouth-full of grasse with their teeth, in honor of our holy mother the Church▪ which he seeing them do, and laughing at them, said,

Depuis l'heure que Dieu me fit naistre, Ie ne vi tant de bestes paistr••.

That is,

Long haue I liu'd, and liuing haue bene heeding, So many beasts yet neuer saw I feeding.

9 Moreouer, when they were in a pelting chafe and fustian fume against their auditors: their maner was not to spare no not the diuell himself; witnesse, M. Iohn Fouët vicar of Villers in Tartenois, who said to his parishioners, seeing you will not amend, the diuel wil take you, and me after. Witnesse also another Curate who said, you make no reckoning of any thing I tell you, but grow euery day worse and worse; in the meane time I am charged with your soules, which I bequeath to great Beelzebub. But when I speake of mens soules giuen in charge to Curates, I should do the Curate of Pierrebuffiere in high Limosin great wrong, if I should forget him. This profound preacher, to the end he might the better ex∣hort his parishioners to liue wel, told them: At the day of iudgement (said he) God wil call me to giue an account of you, and will say vnto me, Curat of Pierrebuffie∣re, what hast thou done with thy sheepe? Then shall I haue neuer a word to say. Which words he repeated 3. times, hiding himselfe euery time in the pulpit: and hauing so done, he lift vp his head & said; I know what I will answer: Beasts, ô Lord thou gauest them me, and beasts I returne them. True it is, that this cannot haue so good a grace being translated into English, as it hath in his proper dialect, being couched in absurd and barbarous Limosin termes; and therefore I caused it to be transcribed out of the originall, as followeth, Quan se vendro lou iour deu iugamen, Diou me demandaro que you ly rendo conte de vou autre: & me apelaro, Chapelo de Pey∣rebusieyro, en qual eytat son ta olia? & you ny mot. Et eu •••• apelaro en quero, & diro, Chapelo de Peyrebufieyro, en quel eytat son ta olia? Et you ny mot. Et enquero eu me di∣ro, Chaphelo de Peyrebufieyro, en quel eytat son ta olia? Iusque a tre viague; Et you ly rey∣pondray, Seigne, beytia la m•• beylada, & beytia la te rendi. But to parallele the ex∣ample of the Priest, who (as Erasmus reporteth) shewed the crucifix to his auditors: I haue heard it constantly affirmed, that there was a Monke at Blois (about twenty yeares ago) who preaching late vpon All Saints day, in a darke place, had a yong nouice behind him, who eftsoones held vp a dead mans head fastened to the end of a staffe, with a candle within it: which he did to make them the more afraide of the dead; as in truth it strooke such a terror into the hearts of certain women, that (as it is reported) it caused them to trauaile before their time.

10 And to quite the former story of Robert Liciensis (who so astonished the Pope and his Cardinals by these words which he spake as soone as he was come into the pulpit, Fy Saint Peter, Fy Saint Paul; I remēber one who began his sermō in this sort: By the blood, by the flesh, by the death of Christ, we are redeemed. Making his auditors much to maruaile in that he made a litle pause after he had said, By the blood, by the flesh, by the death of Christ. Which I heard reported by an ancient father, who said he heard it from his owne mouth. Howbeit some say he spake thus▪ By Gods blood we are saued, by Gods death we are redeemed. Further, this putteth me

in mind of the profanenesse of two Chanons of Blois, one of which being Godfa∣ther to one Iohn Gods sonne, called him Death; the other being Godfather to his daughter, called her Vertue; so that ioyning the proper names to the sirname, the sonne was called Death God, and the daughter Vertue God. Howbeit these names (as some say) were changed at their confirmation.

11 Now this kind of swearing puts me in mind of a Curate in Paris, whose Sermons serued many players in stead of Comedies. This iolly gentleman made no conscience to sweare by God in the pulpit, in despite of the Lutherans. For go∣ing about to proue that they were worse then the diuell; The diuell (quoth he) wil runne away as soone as I make the signe of the crosse, but if I should make a crosse before a Lutheran, by G. he would flie in my face and throttle me. And seeing I haue begun to speake of this Curate, I will here prosecute the rest of his Legend, at least so farre as I know. For (if we may beleeue his owne testimony) he is a man (doubtlesse) whom God hath graced with excellent gifts: I say, if we may beleeue his owne testimony: for in a certaine Sermon he said, he maruelled what should be the reason that other Curates in this towne preached not so well as he; they wil say (quoth he) they want learning, and you know well enough how that a yeare ago I knew nothing, and now you see how learnedly I preach. In another Ser∣mon he purged himself of a false aspersion and imputation, by no other argument th••n the testimony of his sister. There are some (quoth he) which prate that I keepe whores in my house; lo there is my sister (pointing to her with his finger) who should know if there were any such such matter, (for I must go through her chamber to come to my lodging) let her speake aloud whether it be so or not. The same Doctor (who became so learned in one yeare) hauing caried a paper in∣to the pulpit, wherein the Bishop of Paris and the Officiall excommunicated cer∣taine of his parishioners, and hauing let it fal into a hole of the pulpit, he bethought himselfe of a daintie deuice neuer heard of before, and such it may be as neuer any man dreamed of: for hauing forgotten their names, and lost his paper wherein they were written, he said, I excommunicate all that are in this hole. But after he had better bethought himselfe of the names of those who were fallen into the hole (that is to say, who were written in the paper which fel into the hole) he said he ex∣cepted the Bishop of Paris and his Officiall. The same Preacher being angry on a time at little children, for going vp and downe the streets and singing filthy songs; A rablement of bastards (quoth he) gad vp and downe the towne, singing such and such songs: I would I were their father, ô how I would curry them. He also iested merily on a time as he was discoursing with Henry the second (who sent for him for that purpose:) for the King hauing asked him of his parishioners; he said they might be good enough, for he preached to them dayly. The King hauing further demaunded of him, how they caried and demeaned themselues: They are (quoth he) very demure in my presence, and ready to do all that I cōmand them; but as soone as my taile is turned, Soufflez Sire: which answer the King tooke in good part, because it was not spoken in knauery, no more then his other descants which he vsed ordinarily in his Sermons. For if it had bene perceiued that he had aequiuocated of set purpose in the word Soufflez (which besides his proper signi∣fication, namely blow, is taken of the common people in the same sence with De belles, that is, Tush, he prates, or he talkes idlely,) I beleeue they would haue taught him to haue blowne after another fashion.

12 But to returne to the Sermons of this idle Doctor, he shewed on a time a fine conceit (although by his owne confession he got all his learning in a yeare)

when he vsed no other reason but the authoritie of his horse to confute those that denied Purgatory: whereas others haue trauailed both in petty and pro∣found, yea in most illuminate Doctors, euen Saint Patricke himselfe, and haue al∣leadged the apparitions of sundry cart-loades of soules comming out of another world, to proue the point; and yet haue had their mouthes stopped. For this gen∣tle Sir Iohn (inueying against the Lutherans, for that they would not beleeue Pur∣gatory) reasoned against them in this sort: I will tell you (quoth he) a story, where∣by you shall see what wicked fellowes they be to deny Purgatory. I am (as you know) the son of Maister E.N. (now deceased) & we haue a faire house at S. An∣tonies bridge; whither going on a time, as I was benighted, my horse which caried my maile (you must know he is a good one, and at your seruice, Sirs) staid (against his custome) and began to cry Pouf, pouf. Whereupon I said to my man, Spurre, spur. Sir (quoth he) I spur him; but certenly he seeth something. Then I remēbred how that I had heard it told my deceased mother, that certaine apparitions had bene seene in that place; and thereupon I said my Pater noster and my Aue Mary, which my good mother taught me, and hauing so done, I bad my man spurre a∣gaine, which he did. Then my horse going but three or foure steps further, stood stone still, and cried againe Pouf, pouf. And my man assuring me that he saw some∣thing, I said my De profundis, which my father taught me: and presently my horse went forward. But staying the third time, I had no sooner said Auete omnes animae, & requiem aeternam, but he went freely, and neuer stopped nor stayed after. Now then seeing these wicked hereticks say that there is no Purgatory, & that we ought not to pray for the dead, I send them to my horse which carieth my maile, I say to my maile horse to learne their lesson.

13 Neither must this worshipfull Curate beare away all the praise of such subtility. For a Iacobin Fryer called Deuolay may well match him, who vsed a very subtle comparison to proue a point, where all their Doctors had lost their Latine. These wicked Lutherans (quoth he) will not beleeue that the body and blood of Christ is in the Sacrament of the Altar. For (say they) if it were so, they should thē see it. But come hither great foole; when thou hast a venaison pastie, dost thou not say it is such or such a pasty? and yet thou seest not what is within it.

14 We dayly heare of sundry other cōparisons vsed by these Preachers: some of which are plainly ridiculous, others not only ridiculous, but also absurd & scur∣rilous; yea so many wayes profaning Christiā religion, that they may well be coū∣ted impious & blasphemous. For though we should pardon those which compa∣red the grace of God to goats dung (in saying that as a goat being got to the top of an ouen dungeth here and there, so as it runneth down on euery side: so the grace of God disperseth it selfe euery where.) Yet what shall we say of those compani∣ons who so profane the mysterie of the holy Trinitie, as that they sticke not to cō∣pare it to a paire of breeches? But how they applyed it, (though I haue often heard it) I tremble to write. And the comparison which was made by a good fellow, who bare no great good wil to Fryer Francis nor any of his Fraternity, was no lesse wic∣ked, though much more witty and of far better grace then the former, when he re∣sembled the holy Trinitie to a Franciscan, in saying that as there were three per∣sons in the Trinity & yet but one God: so a Franciscan was shauen like a foole, gray like a wolfe, tyed with a cord like a theefe; and yet but one man. He spake also very profanely (though ridiculously) who told foure souldiers (whom he saw out of the pulpit in the midst of his sermon) that they were in all things like vnto Christ. He was taken (said he) so shall you be: he was brought before the Iudge, so shall

you be: he was bound with cords like a theefe, so shall you be: he was whipped, so shall you be: he was led to the gallowes, so shall you be: he descended into hell; so shall you I warrant you: but he came backe againe, so shall you neuer. But if we would haue a very fit and proper comparison indeed, we must returne to the Cu∣rate mentioned before, whose sermons serued many in stead of play bookes or pleasant iests to passe away the time. For preaching on a time of the golden Image which Nabuchodonazor set vp, Dan. 3. It was (quoth he) a villanous great Idol like our S. Eustace; but it was all of solide gold, would to God our S. Eustace were like it.

15 If any desire to heare other comparisons of the like straine, he may haue re∣course to old folkes, who haue good memories, or he may reade the worthy works which some of these iolly Preachers haue left behind them; as namely the Ser∣mons of Menot who saith (fol. 115. col. 2.) that they haue the same custome in Pa∣radise which they haue in Innes in Spaine. The custome (quoth he) of Paradise is to pay before meate, as they do in Spaine, where the guests that come to an Inne must buy their meate beforehand, if they wil any. Thus Lazarus first payed in this world, in enduring many miseries, and after feasted in Paradise. Whereas the cu∣stome of hell, is first to make good cheare, and after to pay for it, as they do in France. Thus the rich man feasted in this world, but now is gone to hell to reckon with his host. And fol. 140. col. 4. he is much more pleasant, discoursing of the re∣past which our Sauiour gaue to those fiue thousand mentioned in the Gospel. For first (saith he) seeing the text saith that there were fiue thousand men besides wo∣men and children, we must needs conclude that there were foure thousand wo∣men at the least. For we see by experience, that there are alwayes foure women at a sermon for one man. Besides (quoth he) I beleeue that there was an infinite num∣ber of little children, if women in that country had as good a custome as they haue in this, who would be sory to come to a Sermon without their children hanging at their brests, & a troupe of others at their tailes, which crie all the Sermon while, and hinder both the Preacher and the auditory. After this, he compares the dinner which our Sauiour made to these people, to a Limosins dinner. I wold gladly know (quoth he) where he learned to make a dinner or a feast? I cannot think that he fre∣quented the greedy guts of this towne, who will not forget (I warrant you) when they are at a feast to drinke with their meate. This dinner of our Lords was like the dinner of a Limosin. You know how beggers in Beausse and Champaine will reare themselues against a wall, and pull sixe pound of bread out of their wallets, and drinke neuer a drop therewith: and though they haue a pint of wine standing by them, yet they thinke it a sinne once to peepe into the pot. The French do not so, especially the Picards, who after they haue payed the shot can drinke roundly euery man his halfe a quart d'escu: and if there were a half peny loafe on the boord, he should be sure to haue a stab that did first cut it. But this day our Lord made the dinner of a Limosin. And a little after: I beleeue (quoth he) it was Lent (as it is now) and euery man ate as much fish as he would. Our Sauiour at the mariage of Cana gaue wine onely, and not bread; but here he giues bread only, and not wine. Wherein he shewed his great wisedome, for he kept open house for all come••s. The Scripture saith not that the virgin Mary was there: for had she bene there, she would (I warrant you) haue said to her Sonne as she did at the mariage (Ioh. 2.) They haue no wine. O my Son, you come very fitly to shew your glory and power in feeding this great multitude: I see they eate apace, but the principall thing is wanting, They haue no wine. Here is good cheere (thanks be to God) but they haue

no wine to drinke, they haue nothing wherewith to moisten their morsels. And why did not our Lord take care for drinke as well as for meate? I answer, propter a∣quarum approximationem, miraculi ma••orem declarationem, sacramenti Eucharistiae praefigurationem: that is, because there was store of water at hand, because he would shew the miracle more euidently, because he would hereby prefigure the Sacra∣ment of the Eucharist. Touching the first, it is said, that they came from beyond the sea of Galily: that they sate on faire greene grasse, and after they had eaten their bellies full, were permitted to go to the sea and drinke à tirelarigaud, that is, setting cock on the hoope, to drink till they burst. For he interlards his Latin with this fine French word, Et post comestionem habebant licentiā eundi ad bibendū in mari à tirela∣rigaud. Which passage I do the rather alleadge at large (albeit it had bene sufficient onely to haue quoted the place) to the end the Reader might the better perceiue how they toy and trifle with the Scripture: of which prophanenesse we haue al∣ledged sundry examples before. Howbeit they haue some comparisons very plea∣sant, and nothing prophane; as when Maillard saith, that Monkes in their Cloi∣sters, are like pease in the cod; and out of their Cloisters, like pease in the pot.

16 Moreouer, these iolly Preachers had an excellēt facultie in begging their smal necessaries in the pulpit, and blushing no more then a blacke dog, albeit some did it with far better grace then others, vsing aequiuocatiōs or words of doubtful constru∣ction, very fit for the purpose: as when one said, En nostre caue on n'y void * 1.1 goutte, en nostre grenier on n'y void grain. Another: At the first when I began to preach a∣mong you, I was flegmaticke, but now I am sanguine; making an allusion betwixt sanguine and sans guain, that is, without profit or gaine. Another preaching on a time when his parishioners were sheering their sheepe, said, La laine me faut, I want wooll: where the simple people vnderstood him as though he had said, L'alene me faut, I haue lost my breath. Sutable hereunto I haue heard of one who told his pa∣rishioners in his Farewell Sermon, that he had bene seeking for one all Lent long, but could not find him. And being demaunded who it might be: he answered that his name ended in ette. Whereupon one asked him if it were not Toinette, another if it were not Perrette, a third if it were not Guillemette: he answered No. They then naming sundry other of like termination: he told them it was none of them all. In the end one asked him if it were not Iaquette. You haue hit him (quoth he) you haue hit him, it is one Iaquette indeed that I would gladly meet withall.

17 But we are to note, that there was often great aemulation and heart-bur∣ning betweene these religious orders of Friers, especially betweene the Francis∣cans and the Iacobins. For so it was, that they which preached best got away the others custome. For example, an Italian relates (in a book published about twelue yeares ago) how a Franciscan preaching on a time in a towne of Sicily, made his auditors beleeue that Saint Francis descended into Purgatory once euery yeare vpon his holy day, and deliuered thence the soules of all such as had bene benefi∣ciall to his brethren. Whereupon the Iacobins (who are there called the brethren of the virgin Mary) perceiuing that this opinion which the world had of S. Francis marred their market, and cooled their kitchins, began to preach and perswade the people, that the virgin Mary (who had farre greater charitie and authoritie then S. Francis) suffered not those that had bene deuoted vnto her, or beneficiall to her Votaries, to lie frying in Purgatory a whole yeare long, as Saint Francis did, but only seuen daies, seeing that euery Saturday (the day dedicated vnto her) she went downe thither to deliuer such as had bene bountifull or beneficial to her brethren. Which aduertisements brought them in credit againe, so that they had better

custom thē euer before. And sutable to this tale of Purgatory, I related one before, of a certain ghostly father who preaching at Bourdeaux, told his auditors that whē any thing is giuē for the dead, the soules hearing the sound of the mony falling into the basin or poore mans boxe, crying ting, ting, are so exceeding glad and ••o 〈◊〉〈◊〉▪ that they laugh out for ioy, and crie ha, ha, ha; hi; hi, hi. Hitherto appertaines the story of a Curate of Sauoy (as I remember) who told his parishioners in a Sermon, that Abel went euery day to Masse, and payed his tithes duly and truly, and that of the fairest and of the best: whereas Cain made no conscience to do either. And as for those who preached other points of Popish doctrine, or magnified such mi∣racles of their Saints, as tended not directly to bring meale to their mill, (as when a Picard alleadged in commendatiō of virginitie, that because Saint Paul and Saint Barbe were virgins, they bled nothing but milke when they were beheaded▪) we haue varietie in sundry places of this booke. But as for the meanes which they vsed to keepe their kitchins hot, I am to speake hereafter.

18 Now how familiarly they preached, we may perceiue by that which M. Adrian Beguine Curate of S. Germine in Noyon said on a time to his parishioners in the pulpit: My friends, you must haue patience with me for this time, for I am bid to dinner to maister Mayor to take part of a pig▪ otherwise par l'arme du bon fiu men pere ie vous dirois, rouge, rage, enragée, that is, By the soule of my good sire, I would tickle you ouer a text. Another Curate in the towne of Quercie speaking of Shrouetuesday, commended to his parishioners these three good Saints, Saint Pansard, Saint Mangeard, Saint Creuard, that is, Saint Belligod, Saint * 1.2 Eat-all, Saint Burstenbelly.

19 But they vsed more familiar and homely speeches when they fell in dis∣course of women, which they were wont to do in handling certaine places of the Gospel, as where it is said, that Christ appeared first to women after his resurrectiō: for then no ieast could peepe forth, but babling women wold be sure to haue it by the end. He therefore appeared first vnto them, as knowing that this rumor would sooner be bruted abroade, then if he had first appeared to men. For my part, I re∣member I was at a Sermon where this argument was handled at large, and in such sort that it made all our modest maids and matrons blush for shame: since which time I haue heard of sundry others of the like straine. Sometimes also they extol∣led women aboue men, because there was neuer any man so highly honored as the virgin Mary. But a certaine ghostly father serued them finely in one of his ser∣mons, contrary to their expectation. For hauing taken these words out of Luk. 24. for his text, O fooles and slow of heart to beleeue, leauing the rest (as their manner was to shread the Scripture as they thought good,) he began to discourse how much men were disgraced in this place, and how no such disgracefull speech was vttered of women in all the Scripture. And yet if we consider to whom this was spoken, we shal find it was spoken to the proudest Prelates in the Church. Amongst other things which he alleadged in honour of women, this is not to be forgotten, viz. that there was no village nor hamlet so small, but if you had asked for the house of a * 1.3 sage femme, they would forthwith haue shewed it you: but a man should be well serued, if he should aske for the house of a sage homme. And after he had graced women with many other titles of honour which were not giuen to men, percei∣uing by their countenances that they tooke great pleasure therein, and began to fleare and giggle, and to looke at men ouer the shoulder; yet for all this (quoth he) be not so proud, for I shall soone take downe your edge: and hauing so said, he be∣gan in this sort. First there are religious orders of good men, but none of good wo∣men:

and then Secondly and Thirdly, &c. forgetting none of those fine conceits which our buffons and Scoggin-like scoffers vse in gibing at the weaker sexe.

20 Yet this is not all. For these venerable Preachers (those especially who are called ghostly fathers) neuer respecting the lesson which is taught them, Si non ca∣stè, tamen cautè, that is, If not chastly, yet ••••••rily, vsed for the most part such obscene scurrilous speeches in the pulpit, that it was a question whether they preached the word of God, or celebrated the Bacchanalian feasts in the presence of Margot and Alizon; which names I find in Iohn Menard, who hauing bene a Franciscan Frier for a long time, and a most zealous maintainer thereof in defending it with tooth and naile, yet when it pleased the Lord to open his eyes at the last, and to let him see his sinne, he cast off his cowle, and writ a booke against the whole pack of them, called the Declaration of the rule and order of the Franciscans: wherein he discouers part of their knauery. Among other things he writeth, how that beside their ordinary allowance and pension which they had of the Couent of Paris, their manner was to aske mony for apparell, bookes, paper, inke, as also to defray the charges of their sicknesse, &c. that they might euer haue some little ouer-plus wherewith to visit the greene basket neare to the Iacobins, or such like Tauernes and suspected houses; where a man might haue found apparell of all sorts, which these gallands tooke to go to the Tennis-court to play with gentlewomen, disgui∣sed in strange attire, yea euen Lords wiues, whose husbands were non-residents from their houses. He further addeth, that the Franciscans of Paris played certaine games at Tennis with them, vpon condition that if the Friers did win, they should chuse the fairest gentlewoman and loueliest Ladie in the company; and if that the gentlewomen or Ladies did win, they should chuse the frolickest Franciscan. But to returne to the argument in hand, these ghostly fathers made no conscience to vse the same speeches in their Sermons, which they had vsed in a brothel house; to which purpose I could alledge sundry stories, which some might haply think very pleasant: but (as I haue often before protested) I abstaine of purpose from the re∣hearsall of them; for doubtlesse it is enough and ouer-much, that heauen & earth haue bene so long infected with the stinke of them. For proofe whereof though I should alleadge no other example but that which is recorded by the late Queene of Nauarre (in the eleuenth Nouuelle) of certaine speeches deliuered by a Fran∣ciscan in a Sermon, my assertion should be strongly confirmed. Who to shew how lightly he regarded the offence and scandall which he gaue by his loose and lasci∣uious speeches, said to the goodwiues of his parish; Go to faire Ladies, by and by when you are pratling among your gossips, you will say, But what M. Frier is this (trow we) that speaketh thus boldly? It is some good fellow sure. I will tell you (Madames) maruell not if I speake boldly, for I am of Anjou, yours to command, &c. And what conscience made he of giuing offence, when he mocked those who took offence at him? saying, O my maisters and dames of S. Martins, I maruel you should be offended at a thing the least of a hundred, and prattle of me euery where, and say, O it is a foule matter, who would haue thought the ghostly father would haue got his hostesse daughter with child? And is it indeed such a wonder that a Monk should get a wench with child? Tel me in good earnest, what would you haue said if the maid had got the Monke with child? This is the summe of that news. And he that desires to see these particulars exemplified, may find them in the former part of the Apologie, in the Chapter which intreateth of whore∣domes committed by our good Catholickes.

21 I was purposed here to haue ended this Chapter, but that I cannot in

conscience omit a short story very pertinent to this purpose, concerning the grosse speeches which these gorbellied shauelings vsed in their Sermons; to the end the Reader may perceiue that they are euer like themselues, as being neuer cloyed with this clunch, nor any thing daunted, no not when they are among the dead. The story is recorded by a man of good credit who hath written annotations vpō the Abstract of the Franciscans Alcoran; and is thus couched in his owne words. For my part, seeing it cometh here so fitly, I will tell you what I saw at Paris:

Foure begging Friers being intreated on a time to bury a corps, it was the Franciscans turne to sing Requiem & Libera, which they did very lustily (for they were in good hope to be well rewarded for their labor) the other three in the meane time talking merrily together. Where (as I came out of a house) I saw two yong lustie Augustines, who held each other by the hand, and sang,

Brunette suis, iamais ne seray blanche.

That is,

Nut-browne I am, as you may see, And neuer fairer shall I be.

Notes

• * 1.1

  The grace of the cōcent consisteth in y^t Amphiboly or ambiguity of the phrase on n'y void goutte, &c. which signi∣fieth either a darke place where a man can see no∣thing: or a void & empty place where a man hath no∣thing▪ in the latter sense it is here vsed by this cun∣ning beggar.
• * 1.2

  Al. S. Pam∣phagus.
• * 1.3

  The conceit cannot be ex∣pressed in En∣glish by reasō of the homo∣nymi•• of the word sage fem∣me▪ which sig∣nifieth as well a midwife as a wise & pru∣dent woman.