The Wits, or, Sport upon sport. Part I in select pieces of drollery, digested into scenes by way of dialogue : together with variety of humors of several nations, fitted for the pleasure and content of all persons, either in court, city, countrey, or camp : the like never before published.

THE BOUNCING KNIGHT, OR, THE ROBERS ROB'D.

ARGUMENT.

A company of mad fellowes resolve to take a Purse, and to that purpose seperate themselves, 4. in one company, 2. in the other, the four Rob and tame true Men, the two Rob those four again. And then all meeting, the 4. exclame against the ab∣sent two; and other Scenes of mirth follow.

ACTORS NAMES.

• Prince,
• Hal,
• Knight,
• Iack,
• Poines,
• Peto,
• Roff,
• Hostesse,
• Drawer.

Enter Several.

HAL.

How now Iack, where hast thou been?

Iack.

A plague of all Cowards I say and a vengeance too, marry and amen; give me a Cup of Sack Boy, no virtue extant, you Rogue; there's lime in this Sack too, there is nothing but Roguery to be found in villanous Man, yet a Coward is worse then a Cup of Sack with lime in it, a villanous Coward, go thy

wayes old Iack, dye when thou wilt: if Man-hood, good Man-hood, be not forgot upon the face of the Earth, then am I a shotten hearing: there lives not three good men unhang'd in England, and one of them is fat and growes old: a bad World I say, and a plague of all Cowards I say still.

Hal.

How now wool-sack, what mutter you?

Iack.

A Kings Son? If I do not beat thee out of thy Kingdome with a Dagger of lath, and drive all thy sub∣jects afore thee like a stock of wild-Geese, I'le never weare haire on my face more, you Prince of Wales?

Hal.

Why you horson round man what's the matter?

Iack.

Are you not a Coward? answer me to that, and Poines there.

Hal.

Why ye fat paunch, and ye call me, Coward by this light, I'le stab thee.

Iack.

I call thee Coward? I'le see thee damn'd e're I call thee Coward; but I would give a thousand pound I could run as fast as thou canst. You are straight enough in the shoulders, you care not who sees your back: call you that backing of your friends? a plague upon such backing: give me them that will face me, give me a cup of Sack, I am a Rogue if I drank to day.

Prince.

Oh villaine, thy lips are scarce wip'd since thou drink'st last.

Iack.

All's one for that, a plague of all cowards still say I.

Prince.

What's the matter?

Iack.

What's the matter? here be four of us have ta'ne a thousand pound this morning.

Prince.

Where is it, I aske where is it.

Iack.

Where is it? taken from us it is; a hundred up∣on poor four of us.

Prince.

What a hundred man?

Iack.

I am a Rogue if I were not at halfe Sword with a dozen of them two houres together; I have scaped by miracle; I am eight times thrust through the doublet, four through the hose, my Buckler cut through and through, my sword hackt like a hansaw, ecce signum, I never dealt better since I was a man, all would not do, a plague of all Cowards, let them speak, if they speak more or less then truth, they are villains, and the sons of darkness.

Poines.

Speak Sirs, how was it.

Roff.

We four set upon a douzen.

Iack.

Sixteen at least my Lord.

Roff.

And bound them.

Peto.

No, no, they were not bound.

Iack.

You rogue they were bound, every man of them, or I am a Iew else, an Hebrew Iew.

Roff.

And as we were sharing, some six or seven fresh men set upon us.

Iack.

And unbound the rest, & then came in the others.

Prince.

What fought ye with them all?

Iack.

All? I know not what you call all: but if I fought not with fifty of them, I am a bunch of raddish: if there were not two or three & fifty upon poor old Iack, then I am no two-leg'd Creature.

Prince.

Pray God you have not murther'd some of them.

Iack.

Nay that's past praying for, I have pepper'd two of them; two Rogues in buckrom suites: I tell thee what, Hal, if I tell thee a lye spit in my face, call me horse, thou knowst my old ward, here I lay, and thus I bore my point, four Rogues in buckrom let drive at me.

Prince.

What four? thou saids but two even now.

Iack.

Four Hal, I told thee four.

Poines.

I, I, he said four.

Iack.

These four came all afront, and mainly thrust at me; I made no more a doe but took all their seven points in my Target, thus.—

Prince.

Seven? VVhy there were but four even now▪

Iack.

In Buckrum Hal, in Buckrum.

Poines.

I four in Buckrum suits.

Iack.

Seven by these Hilts, or I am a villain else.

Prince.

Prithe let him alone, we shall have more anon▪

Iack.

Dost thou hear me.

Hal.

I, and mark thee too Iack.

Iack.

Do so for 'tis worth the listning to. These nine in Buckrum that I told thee off.

Prince.

So, two more already.

Iack.

Their points being broken.

Poynes.

Down fell his Hose.

Iack

Began to give me ground, but I followed me clo∣se, came in foot and hand; and with a thought seven of the eleven I paid.

Prince.

O Monstrous! eleven Buckrum men grown out of two.

Iack.

But as the divell would have it, three mis-begot∣ten knaves, in Kendal green, came at my back and let drive at me, for it was so darke Hal that thou couldst not see thy hand.

Prince.

These lyes are like the father that begets, grosse as a Mountain, open, palpable, why thou clay-brain'd guts thou knotty pated fool, thou horson obscent greasy tallow catch.

Iack.

VVhat? art thou mad? art thou mad? is not the truth, the truth?

Prince.

VVhy how couldst thou know these men in Kendall green, when it was so dark thou could'st not see thy hand? what saidst thou to this?

Poines.

Come, your reason Iack, your reason.

Iack.

VVhat upon compulsion? and I were at the strappado, or all the racks in the VVorld, I would not tell you on compulsion. Give you a reason on compulsion? were reasons as plenty as Blackberries, I would give no Man a reason upon compulsion, I.

Prince.

I'le be no longer guilty of this sin, this sanguine Coward, this Bed-presser, this horseback breaker, this huge •…•…ill of flesh.

Iack.

You starvling, you Elf-skin, you dryed Neats tongue, Bulls pizle, you stock fish: O for breath to utter what is like thee? you Taylors yard, you sheath, you Bow-case, you vile standing Turke.

Prince.

Hear me sirrah bumbast—

Poynes.

Mark Iack.

Prince.

We two saw you four set upon four, bound them, and were Masters of their wealth, then did we two set on you four, and with a word out-fac'd you from the prize; what starting hole canst thou now find out to hid thee from this open and apparent shame?

Poynes.

Come lets hear Iack, what trick hast thou now?

Iack.

By the Lord I knew ye as well as he that made ye, why hear you Masters, was it for me to kill the heire ap∣parant? should I turn up in the true Prince? why thou know'st I am as valiant as Hercules: but beware instinct, the Lyon will not touch the true Prince. Instinct is a great matter, I was a Coward on instinct; I shall think the better of my selfe, and thee during my life; I for a valiant Lyon, and thou for a true Prince: but by the Lord Lads, I am glad you have the money, Hostesse clap to the doores, watch to night, pray tomorrow, what hearts of Gold shall we be merry? shall we have a Play ex tempore.

Prince.

Content and the argument shall be thy runing away.

Iack.

O no more of that Hal if thou lovest me.

Prince.

How longi'st ago Iack since thou saw'st thine own knee.

Iack.

My own knee? when I was about thy yeares (Hal) I was not an Eagles tallant in the VVast: I could have crept into any Aldermans Thumb-Ring, a plague of sighing and grief, it blowes a man up like a Bladder; but to

he Play Hal.

Prince.

I have a mind Iack that thou shouldst stand for my father, and examine me upon the perticulars of my life.

Iack.

Content: this Chaire shall be my State, this dag∣ger my Scepter, and this Cushion my Crown. Well if the fire of grace be not quite out of thee, now shalt thou be moved, give me a cup of Sack to make mine eyes look red, that it may be thought I have wept: For I must speak in passion, and I will do it in King Cambysis veyne.

Prince.

Well, here is my Leg.

Iack.

And here is my speech: stand aside Nobility.

Hostesse.

O the Father, how he holds his countenance, he doth it as like one of these harlotry players as ever Isee.

Iack.

Peace good pint Pot, peace good tickle branes. Harry I do not only marvel where thou spendest thy time, but also how thou art accompanyed, thou art my Son, I have partly thy Mothers word, partly my opinion, but chiefely a villanous trick of thine eye, and a foolish hanging of thy neither lip that doth warrant me. There is a thing Harry which thou hast often heard off, and known to many, in our Land, by the name of Pitch; this Pitch (as ancient writers report) doth defile, so doth the company thou keepest, yet there is one vertuous Man whom I have noted in thy company, but I know not his name.

Prince.

What manner of Man, and it like your Majesty:

Iack.

A good portly man y'faith, and a corpulent, of a cheerfull look, a pleasing eye, and a most noble carriage, and as I think his age some fifty, or bir Lady, inclining to threescore, and now I remember me, his name is Falstaff: if that man be lewdly given he deceives me, for Harry I see vertue in his lookes; If then the tree may be known by the fruit, as the fruit by the tree, then peremptorily I speak it, there is vertue in that Falstaff, and now thou noughty varlet, tell me where hast thou been this moneth?

Prince.

Dost thou speak like a King? do thou stand for me, and I'le play my father.

Iack.

If thou dost it so Majestically, ha•…•…g me up by the heels for a Rabbet-sucker or a Poulters Hare.

Prince.

Well here I am set.

Iack.

And here I stand judge my Masters.

Prince.

Now Harry whence come you?

Iack.

My noble Lord from Eastcheap.

Prince.

The complaints I hear of thee are grievous.

Iack.

Zlud my Lord they are false: nay I'le tickle you for a young Prince.

Prince.

Swear'st thou, ungracious Boy? henceforth n'ere look on me, thou art violently carryed away from grace; there is a divell haunts thee in the likeness of a fat old man, a Tun of man, is thy companion, why dost thou converse with that trunck of humors, that boulting-Butch of beastliness? that swolne parcell of dropsies, that huge bombard of Sack, that stuff cloak bag of guts, that roasted manning-tree Oxe, with the pudding in his belly, that reverend vice, that grey iniquity, wherein is he good but to tast Sack, and drink it? wherein neat and cleanly, but to carve a Capon and eat it? wherein cunning but in craft? wherein crafty but in villany? wherein vallan•…•…us but in all things? wherein Worthy but in nothing?

Iack.

I would your grace would take me with you: who meanes your grace?

Prince.

That villanous abominable misleader of youth, Falstaff, that old white bearded satan.

Iack.

My Lord the man I know.

Prince.

I know thou dost.

Iack.

But to say I know more harme in him then in my selfe, were to say more then I know; that he is old, (the more the pitty;) his white haires do witness it: but that he is (saving your reverence) a whoremaster, that I utter

ly deny; if Sack and Sugar be a fault, Heaven help the wicked: if to be old and merry be a sin, then many an old Host that I know is damn'd; if to be fat, be to be hated, then Pharaoh's lean Kine are to be belov'd my good Lord: Banish Peto, banish Bardol, banish Poynes; but for sweet Iack Falstaff, kind Iack Falstaff, true Iack Falstaff, valiant Iack Falstaff; and therefore more valiant, being as he is old Iack Falstaff, banish not him thy Harry's company; banish plump Iack, and banish all the World.

Prince.

I do. I will.

Enter Bardol.

Bardol.

Oh my Lord the Sheriffe with a monstrous watch is at the door.

Iack.

Out you Rogue, play out the play, I have much to say in the behalfe of that Falstaff.

Exeunt.

Enter Iack and Bardol.

Iack.

Am I not falne away vilely, do I not bate? do I not diminish? my skin hangs about me like an old Ladies loose Gown, I am withered like an old apple Iohn: well I'le repent, and that suddainly I shall be out of heart shortly and then I shall have no strength to repent, and I ha'not forgotten what the inside of a Church is made of, I am a pepper-corn, villanous company hath been the spoile of me.

Bardol.

Sir Iohn you are so fretfull you cannot live long.

Iack.

Why there's it, come sing me a bawdy song, make me merry, well I have been as vertuously given as a Gentleman need to be, lived well and in good compasse, and now I live out of all order, out of all compasse.

Bardol.

VVhy you are so fat Sir Iohn, that you must needes be out of all compasse, all reasonable compasse Sir Iohn.

Iack.

O mend thou thy face, and I'le mend my life: thou art our Admiral, thou bearest the Lanthorn in the poop, but 'tis in the Nose of thee, thou art the King of the bur∣ning Lamp, when thou run'st up Gads Hill in the night to catch my Horse if I did not think thou hadst been an Ignis

fatuus or a ball of wild-fire, there's no purchase in money, O thou art a perpetual triumph, an everlasting Bon-fire, by night.

Bardol.

I would my face were in your belly.

Iack.

God a mercy, so I should be heart-burnt. Now dame partlet the Hen, have you enquir'd yet who pickt my pocket.

Enter Hostesse.

Hostesse.

Why, Sir Iohn do you think I keep theeves in my House Sir Iohn.

Iack.

I'le besworne my pocket was pickt; go, you are a woman, go.

Hostesse.

VVho I? I defie thee: 'ods light I never was call'd so in my own House before, you owe me money Sir Iohn, I bought you a douzen shirts to your back.

Iack.

Dowlis, filthy Dowlis, I have given them away to Bakers VVives, they have made boulters of them; I say my pocket was pickt, I have lost a Seal-Ring of my Grand∣fathers worth fourty markes.

Hostesse.

Oh Lord I have heard the Prince tell him I know how oft that Ring was Copper.

Iack.

The Prince is a Iack, a sneak-cap, and he were here I would cudgel him like a dog, if he would say so.

Enter Prince.

Hostesse.

Good my Lord hear me.

Iack.

Prithee let her alone and list to me, this house is turn'd bawdy house, my pocket has been pickt here.

Prince.

And what didst thou lose Iack?

Iack.

If thou wilt believe me Hal, three or four Bonds of fourty pounds a peece, and a Seal-Ring of my Grand∣fathers.

Prince.

A trifle, some eight penny matter.

Hostesse.

I told him you said so, and he said he would cudgel you.

Prince.

VVhat a' did not.

Hostesse.

As I am a true woman he did.

Iack.

Go you thing, go.

Hostesse.

Say, what thing, what thing?

Iack.

Why, a thing to thank God on.

Hostesse.

I am nothing to thank God on, I would thou shouldst know it.

Prince.

Thou slander est her most grosely.

Hostesse.

So he doth you my Lord, he said the other day you ought him a thousand pound.

Prince.

Sirrah do I owe you a thousand pound?

Iack.

A thousand pound Hal? a million: thy love is worth a million: thou ow'st me thy love.

Hostesse.

Nay, my Lord he cal'd you Iack, and said he would cudgell you.

Iack.

Did I Bardol?

Bardol.

Indeed Sir Iohn, you said so.

Iack.

Yea if he said my Ring was Copper.

Prince.

I say 'tis Copper: dar'st thou be as good as thy word now?

Iack.

Why Hal? thou know'st, as thou art but a man I dare: but as thou art Prince I fear thee as I fear the roaring of the Lyons Whelp.

Prince.

And why not as the Lyon?

Iack.

The King himselfe is to be feared as the Lyon: dost thou think I'le fear thee, as I fear thy Father? nay, and I do, I pray my Girdle may break.

Prince.

If it should, how would thy Guts fall about thy knees.

Exeunt.

Enter Iack as to the Wars.

Iack.

Well I have misus'd the Kings press damnably, I have got in exchang of 150. Souldiers 300. And od pound, I press none but warm slaves that had as lieve heare the di∣vell as a Drum, with hearts in their bellies no bigger then pins heads, and they have bought out their servi∣ces, and now my whole charge consists of Ancients, Corporals, and the like: A mad fellow met me

on the way, and told me I had unloaded all the Gibbets, & prest the dead bodies, there's not a shirt and an halfe in all my company, and the halfe shirt is two napkins tuckt to∣gether, and thrown over the shoulders like a Heralds coat without sleeves; and the shirt, to speak truth on't, is stolne from my hoast at St. Albanes, but that's all one, they▪l find linnen enough on every hedge.

Enter Prince.

Prince.

How now Q•…•…ilt? tell me whose fellowes are these that come after?

Iack.

Mine Hal, mine.

Prince.

I did never see such pittyfull Rascals.

Iack.

Tut, tut, good enough to toss; food for powder, food for powder, they'l fill a pit as well as better: mor∣tall men; mortall men, but I would all were well Hal.

Prince.

Why, thou ow'st a death.

Iack.

'Tis not due yet, and I would be loath to pay before the day, what need I be so forward till I am cal'd upon, well 'tis no matter, Honour prickes me on, yea but how if Honour prickes me off when I come on? how then? can Honour set to a leg? or an arme? no: or take away the griefe of a wound? no: Honour hath no skill in sur∣gery then? no: what is Honour? a word: what is that word? Ayre: a trym reckoning: who hath it? he that dyed a wednesday: doth he feel it? no: doth he hear it? No: 'tis insensible then? yea to the dead: but will it not live with the living? No: why? detraction will not suffer it: therefore I'le have none of it, Honour is a meere scutchion, and so ends my Catechisme.

Exit.

Iack in fight falls down as he were dead, the Prince espying him on the ground, speaks.

Prince.

What old acquaintance, could not all this flesh keep in a little life? poor Iack farewell; imbowel'd will I see thee by and by, till then, in blood by noble Percy lye.

Exit.

Iack.

Imbowel'd? if thou imbowell me to day, I'le

give you leave to powder me, and eat me to morrow, Z'Bloud 'twas time to counterfeit, or the Termagant Scot had paid me scot and lot too. Counterfeit? I am no counterfeit: to die is to be a counterfeit, for he is but the counterfeit of a man, who hath not the life of a man; but to counterfeit dying when a man thereby liveth, is to be no counterfeit, but the true and perfect image of life indeed, the better part of valour is destruction; in the which better part I have saved my life.—I am afraid of this Gunpowder Percy, though he be dead; how if he should counterfeit too, and rise? by my faith I am afraid he would prove the better counterfeit: therefore I'le make him sure; yea and I'le swear I slew him, why may not he rise as well as I? nothing confutes me but eyes, and no body sees me! therefore sirrah with a new wound in your thigh, come you a long with me.

Ent. Pr. again.

Prince.

What's here? art thou alive? thou art not what thou seem'st sure.

Iack.

No, that's certain, I am not a double man: but if I be not Jack Falstaffe, then I am a Jack: there is Percy, if your Father will do me any Honour, So: if not, let him slay the next Percy himselfe: I look to be either Earle or Duke, I can assure you.

Prince.

Why, Percy I slew my selfe, and saw thee dead.

Jack.

Didst thou? Lord, Lord, how the World is given to lying! I grant you I was down, & out of breath, and so was he, but wee rose at an instant, and fought a long houre by Shrews busy Clock, if I may be beleeved, So: if not, let them that should reward valour, bear the sin upon their own heads, I'le take it upon my death I gave him this wound in the thigh, if the man were alive and would deny it i'de make him eat a peice of my sword.

Prince.

Come bring your luggage nobly on your back, for my part, if a lye will do thee grace, I'le guild it with the happiest termes I have.

Jack.

I'le follow, as they say, for a reward: He that rewards me, God reward him, if I do grow great, I'le grow less: for I'le purge and leave Sack, and live cleanly, as a Noble man should do.

Exit.