A discourse of the nature, offices, and measures of friendship with rules of conducting it / written in answer to a letter from the most ingenious and vertuous M.K.P. by J.T.

A Discourse of the Na∣ture and Offices of Friendship. In a Letter to the most in∣genious and excellent M. K. P.

Madam,

THe wise Bensirach ad∣vised that we should not consult with a woman concerning her of whom she is jealous, neither with a coward in matters of warr, nor with a merchant concerning ex∣change; and some other instances

he gives of interested persons, to whom he would not have us hear∣ken in any matter of Counsel. For where ever the interest is secular or vitious, there the bias is not on the side of truth or reason, because these are seldome serv'd by profit and low regards. But to consult with a friend in the matters of friendship is like consulting with a spiritual person in Religion; they who un∣derstand the secrets of Religion, or the interior beauties of friendship are the fittest to give answers in all inquiries concerning the respective subjects; because reason and experi∣ence are on the side of interest; and that which in friendship is most pleasing, and most useful is also most reasonable and most true; and a friends fairest interest is the best measure of the conducting friend∣ships: and therefore you who are so eminent in friendships could also

have given the best answer to your own inquiries, and you could have trusted your own reason, because it is not only greatly instructed by the direct notices of things, but also by great experience in the matter of which you now inquire.

But because I will not use any thing that shall look like an excuse, I will rather give you such an ac∣count which you can easily reprove, then by declining your commands, seem more safe in my prudence, then open and communicative in my friendship to you.

You first inquire how far a Dear and a perfect friendship is autho∣riz'd by the principles of Christia∣nity?

To this I answer; that the word [Friendship] in the sense we com∣monly mean by it, is not so much as named in the New-Testament; and our Religion takes no notice of

it. You think it strange; but read on before you spend so much as the beginning of a passion or a wonder upon it. There is mention of [friendship of the world,] and it is said to be enmity with God; but the word is no where else named, or to any other purpose in all the New-Testament. It speakes of friends often; but by friends are meant, our acquaintance, or our Kindred, the relatives of our fami∣ly or our fortune, or our sect; some∣thing of society, or something of kindness there is in it; a tenderness of appellation and Civility, a rela∣tion made by gifts, or by duty, by services and subjection; and I think, I have reason to be confident, that the word friend (speaking of hu∣mane entercourse) is no other∣wayes used in the Gospels or E∣pistles, or Acts of the Apostles: and the reason of it is, the word

friend is of a large signification; and means all relations and socie∣ties, and whatsoever is not enemy; but by friendships, I suppose you mean, the greatest love, and the greatest usefulness, and the most open communication, and the noblest suffe∣rings and the most exemplar faithful∣ness, and the severest truth, and the heartiest counsel, and the greatest Union of mindes, of which brave men and women are capable. But then I must tell you that Christianity hath new Christened it, and calls this Charity. The Christian knows no enemy he hath; that is, though persons may be injurious to him, and unworthy in themselves, yet he knows none whom he is not first bound to forgive which is indeed to make them on his part to be no ene∣mies, that is, to make that the word enemy shall not be perfectly contrary to friend, it shall not be a

relative term and signifie something on each hand, a relative and a cor∣relative; and then he knows none whom he is not bound to love and pray for, to treat kindly and just∣ly, liberally and obligingly. Chri∣stian Charity is friendship to all the world; and when friendships were the noblest things in the world, charity was little, like the sunne drawn in at a chinke, or his beames drawn into the Centre of a burning-glass; but Christian charity is friendship, expanded like the face of the sunne when it mounts above the Eastern hills: and I was strange∣ly pleas'd when I saw something of this in Cicero; for I have been so push'd at by herds and flocks of people that follow any body that whistles to them, or drives them to pasture, that I am grown afraid of any truth that seems chargeable with singularity: but therefore I

say, glad I was when I saw Laelius in Cicero discourse thus. Amicitia ex infinitate generis humani quam conci∣liavit ipsa natura, contracta res est, & adducta in angustum; ut omnis charitas, aut inter duos, aut inter paucos jungeretur. Nature hath made friendships, and societies, relations and endearments; and by something or other we relate to all the world; there is enough in every man that is willing, to make him become our friend; but when men contract friendships, they in∣close the Commons; and what Na∣ture intended should be every mans, we make proper to two or three. Friendship is like rivers and the strand of seas, and the ayre, common to all the world; but Tyrants, and evil customes, warrs, and want of love have made them proper and peculiar. But when Christianity came to renew our na∣ture,

and to restore our lawes, and to increase her priviledges, and to make her aptness to become religi∣on, then it was declared that our friendships were to be as universal as our conversation; that is, actual to all with whom we converse, and potentially extended unto those with whom we did not. For he who was to treat his enemies with for∣giveness and prayers, and love and beneficence was indeed to have no enemies, and to have all friends.

So that to your question, how far a Dear and perfect friendship is authoris'd by the principles of Christianity? The answer is ready and easy. It is warranted to extend to all mankind; and the more we love, the better we are, and the greater our friendships are, the dearer we are to God; let them be as Dear, and let them be as per∣fect, and let them be as many as

you can; there is no danger in it; only where the restraint begins, there begins our imperfection; it is not ill that you entertain brave friendships and worthy societies: it were well if you could love, and if you could benefit all mankinde; for I conceive that is the sum of all friendships.

I confess this is not to be expect∣ed of us in this world; but as all our graces here are but imperfect, that is, at the best they are but tenden∣cies to glory, so our friendships are imperfect too, and but begin∣nings of a celestial friendship, by which we shall love every one as much as they can be loved. But then so we must here in our propor∣tion; and indeed that is it that can make the difference; we must be friends to all: That is, apt to do good, loving them really, and do∣ing to them all the benefits which

we can, and which they are capa∣ble of. The friendship is equal to all the world, and of it selfe hath no difference; but is differenc'd only by accidents and by the capa∣city or incapacity of them that re∣ceive it: Nature and the Religion are the bands of friendships; excel∣lency and usefulness are its great in∣dearments: society and neighbourhood, that is, the possibilities and the cir∣cumstances of converse are the de∣terminations and actualities of it. Now when men either are unnatu∣ral, or irreligious, they will not be friends; when they are neither ex∣cellent nor useful, they are not wor∣thy to be friends; when they are strangers or unknown, they cannot be friends actually and practically; but yet, as any man hath any thing of the good, contrary to those evils, so he can have and must have his share of friendship. For thus the

Sun is the eye of the World; and he is indifferent to the Negro, or the cold Russian, to them that dwell under the line, and them that stand neer the Tropicks, the scalded Indian or the poor boy that shakes at the foot of the Riphean hills; but the fluxures of the hea∣ven and the earth, the conveniency of aboad, and the approaches to the North or South respectively change the emanations of his beams; not that they do not pass alwayes from him, but that they are not equally received below, but by periods and changes, by little inlets and reflections, they receive what they can; and some have only a dark day and a long night from him, snowes and white cat∣tel, a miserable life, and a perpe∣tual harvest of Catarrhes and con∣sumptions, apoplexies and dead-palsies; but some have splendid

fires, and aromatick spices, rich wines, and well digested fruits, great wit and great courage; be∣cause they dwell in his eye, and look in his face, and are the Cour∣tiers of the Sun, and wait upon him in his Chambers of the East; just so is it in friendships: some are worthy, and some are necessary; some dwell hard by and are fitted for converse; Nature joyns some to us, and Religion combines us with others; society and accidents, parity of fortune, and equal dispo∣sitions do actuate our friendships: which of themselves and in their prime disposition are prepared for all mankind according as any one can receive them. We see this best exemplified by two instances and expressions of friendships and charity: viz. Almes and Prayers; Every one that needs relief is e∣qually the object of our charity;

but though to all mankind in equal needs we ought to be alike in chari∣ty; yet we signifie this severally and by limits, and distinct mea∣sures: the poor man that is near me, he whom I meet, he whom I love, he whom I fancy, he who did me benefit, he who relates to my family, he rather then another, because my expressions being fi∣nite and narrow, and cannot ex∣tend to all in equal significations, must be appropriate to those whose circumstances best fit me: and yet even to all I give my almes: to all the world that needs them; I pray for all mankind, I am grie∣ved at every sad story I hear; I am troubled when I hear of a pretty bride murdered in her bride-cham∣ber by an ambitious and enrag'd Rival; I shed a tear when I am told that a brave King was misun∣derstood, then slandered, then im∣prisoned,

and then put to death by evil men: and I can never read the story of the Parisian Massacre, or the Sicilian vespers, but my blood curdles and I am disorder'd by two or three affections. A good man is a friend to all the world; and he is not truly charitable that does not wish well, and do good to all man∣kind in what he can; but though we must pray for all men, yet we say speciall Letanies for brave Kings and holy Prelates, and the wise Guides of souls; for our Bre∣thren and Relations, our Wives and Children.

The effect of this consideration is, that the Universal friendship of which I speak, must be limited, be∣cause we are so: In those things where we stand next to immensity and infinity, as in good wishes and prayers, and a readiness to benefit all mankind, in these our friend∣ships

must not be limited; but in other things which pass under our hand or eye, our voices and our material exchanges, our hands can reach no further but to our arms end, and our voices can but sound till the next air be quiet, and therefore they can have entercourse but within the sphere of their own activity; our needs and our con∣versations are served by a few, and they cannot reach to all; where they can, they must; but where it is impossible it cannot be necessary. It must therefore follow, that our friendships to mankinde may ad∣mit variety as does our conversati∣on; and as by nature we are made sociable to all, so we are friendly; but as all cannot actually be of our society, so neither can all be ad∣mitted to a speciall, actuall friend∣ship; Of some entercourses all men are capable, but not of all; Men

can pray for one another, and ab∣stain from doing injuries to all the world, and be desirous to do all mankinde good, and love all men; Now this friendship we must pay to all because we can, but if we can do no more to all, we must shew our readinesse to do more good to all by actually doing more good to all them to whom we can.

To some we can, and therefore there are nearer friendships to some then to others, according as there are natural or civil nearnes∣ses, relations and societies; and as I cannot expresse my friendships to all in equal measures and signifi∣cations, that is, as I cannot do be∣nefits to all alike, so neither am I tied to love all alike: for although there is much reason to love every man; yet there are more reasons to love, some then others, and if I

must love because there is reason I should; then I must love more, where there is more reason; and where ther's a special affection and a great readiness to do good and to delight in certain persons towards each other, there is that special charity and indearment which Phi∣losophy calls friendships; but our Religion calls love or charity. Now if the inquiry be concerning this special friendship. 1. how it can be appropriate, that is, who to be cho∣sen to it; 2 how far it may extend; that is, with what expressions sig∣nified; 3 how conducted? The an∣swers will depend upon such consi∣derations which will be nei••her useless nor unpleasant.

1. There may be a special friend∣ship contracted for any special ex∣cellency whatsoever, because friend∣ships are nothing but love and society mixt together; that is, a conversing

with them whom we love; now for whatsoever we can love any one, for that we can be his friend; and since every excellency is a degree of amability, every such worthi∣ness is a just and proper motive of friendship, or loving conversati∣on. But yet in these things there is an order and proportion. There∣fore

2. A Good man is the best friend, and therefore soonest to be chosen, longer to be retain'd; and indeed never to be parted with; unless he cease to be that for which he was chosen.

〈 in non-Latin alphabet 〉〈 in non-Latin alphabet 〉 〈 in non-Latin alphabet 〉〈 in non-Latin alphabet 〉. Where vertue dwells there friend∣ships make, But evil neighbourhoods forsake.

But although vertue alone is the worthiest cause of amability, and can weigh down any one conside∣ration; and therefore to a man that is vertuous every man ought to be a friend; yet I doe not mean the severe, and philosophical excellen∣cies of some morose persons who are indeed wise unto themselves and exemplar to others: by vertue here I do not mean justice and tempe∣rance, charity and devotion; for these I am to love the man, but friendship is something more then that: Friendship is the nearest love and the nearest society of which the persons are capable: Now justice is a good entercourse for Merchants, as all men are that buy and sell; and temperance makes a Man good company, and helps to make a wise man; but a perfect friendship re∣quires something else, these must be in him that is chosen to be my

friend; but for these I do not make him my privado; that is, my spe∣cial and peculiar friend: but if he be a good man, then he is properly fitted to be my correlative in the noblest combination.

And for this we have the best warrant in the world: For a just man scarcely will a man die; the Sy∣riac interpreter reads it, 〈 in non-Latin alphabet 〉〈 in non-Latin alphabet 〉 for an unjust man scarcely will a man die; that is, a wicked man is at no hand fit to receive the expression of the greatest friendship; but all the Greek copies that ever I saw, or read of, read it as we doe; for a righteous man or a just man that is, justice and righteousness is not the nearest indearment of friendship; but for a good man some will even dare to die: that is, for a man that is sweetly disposed, ready to doe acts of goodnesse and to oblige o∣thers, to do things useful and profi∣table,

for a loving man, a benefi∣cent, bountiful man, one who de∣lights in doing good to his friend, such a man may have the highest friendship; he may have a friend that will die for him. And this is the meaning of Laelius: Vertue may be despised, so may Learning and Nobility; at una est amicitia in rebus humanis de cujus utilitate omnes consentiunt: only friendship is that thing, which because all know to be useful and profitable, no man can despise; that is 〈 in non-Latin alphabet 〉〈 in non-Latin alphabet 〉, or 〈 in non-Latin alphabet 〉〈 in non-Latin alphabet 〉, goodnesse or beneficence makes friendships. For if he be a good man he will love where he is beloved, and that's the first tie of friendship.

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That was the commendation of the bravest friendship in Theocritus

They lov'd each other with a love That did in all things equal prove.

— 〈 in non-Latin alphabet 〉〈 in non-Latin alphabet 〉 〈 in non-Latin alphabet 〉〈 in non-Latin alphabet 〉

The world was under Saturns reign Wen he that lov'd was lov'd again.

For it is impossible this neerness of friendship can be where there is not mutual love; but this is secured if I choose a good man; for he that is apt enough to begin alone, will never be behinde in the relation and correspondency; and therefore I like the Gentiles Letany well.

〈 in non-Latin alphabet 〉〈 in non-Latin alphabet 〉 〈 in non-Latin alphabet 〉〈 in non-Latin alphabet 〉

Let God give friends to me for my reward, Who shall my love with equal love regard; Happy are they, who when they give their heart, Find such as in exchange their own impart.

But there is more in it then this feli∣city amounts to. For 〈 in non-Latin alphabet 〉〈 in non-Latin alphabet 〉 the good man is a profitable, useful person, and that's the band of an effective friendship. For I do not think that friendships are Metaphy∣sical nothings, created for contem∣plation, or that men or women should stare upon each others fa∣ces, and make dialogues of news and prettinesses, and look babies in one anothers eyes. Friendship is the allay of our sorrows, the ease of our passions, the discharge of our oppressions, the sanctuary to our

calamities, the counsellor of our doubts, the clarity of our minds, the emission of our thoughts, the exercise and improvement of what we meditate: And although I love my friend because he is worthy, yet he is not worthy if he can do no good. I do not speak of acciden∣tal hinderances and misfortunes by which the bravest man may be∣come unable to help his Childe; but of the natural and artificial capacities of the man. He only is fit to be chosen for a friend, who can do those offices for which friendship is excellent. For (mi∣stake not) no man can be loved for himselfe; our perfections in this world cannot reach so high; it is well if we would love God at that rate, and I very much fear, that if God did us no good, we might ad∣mire his Beauties, but we should have but a small proportion of love

towards him; and therefore it is, that God to endear the obedience, that is, the love of his servants sig∣nifies what benefits he gives us, what great good things he does for us. I am the Lord God that brought thee out of the Land of Egypt: and does Job serve God for nought? And he that comes to God, must believe that he is, and that he is a rewarder: all his other greatnesses are objects of fear and wonder, it is his goodness that makes him lovely: and so it is in friendships. He only is fit to be chosen for a friend who can give me counsel, or defend my cause, or guide me right, or relieve my need, or can and will, when I need it, do me good: only this I adde: into the heaps of doing good, I will reckon [loving me] for it is a pleasure to be beloved; but when his love signifies nothing but Kis∣sing my Cheek or talking kindly,

and can goe no further, it is a pro∣stitution of the bravery of friend∣ship to spend it upon impertinent people who are (it may be) loads to their families, but can never ease my loads: but my friend is a worthy person when he can be∣come to me instead of God, a guide or a support, an eye, or a hand; a staffe, or a rule: There must be in friendship something to distinguish it from a Companion, and a Coun∣tryman, from a School-fellow or a Gossip, from a Sweet-heart or a Fellow-traveller: Friendship may look in at any one of these doors, but it stayes not any where till it come to be the best thing in the world: and when we consider that one man is not better then ano∣ther, neither towards God nor Man, but by doing better and bra∣ver things, we shall also see, that that which is most beneficent is al∣so

most excellent; and therefore those friendships must needs be most perfect, where the friends can be most useful. For men cannot be useful but by worthinesses in the several instances: a fool can∣not be relied upon for counsel; nor a vitious person for the advantages of vertue, nor a beggar for relief, nor a stranger for conduct, nor a tatler to keep a secret, nor a pitti∣less person trusted with my com∣plaint, nor a covetous man with my childes fortune, nor a false per∣son without a witness, nor a suspi∣cious person with a private design; nor him that I fear with the trea∣sures of my love: But he that is wise and vertuous, rich and at hand, close and mercifull, free of his money and tenacious of a se∣cret, open and ingenuous, true and honest, is of himself an excel∣lent man; and therefore fit to be

lov'd; and he can do good to me in all capacities where I can need him, and therefore is fit to be a friend. I confess we are forced in our friendships to abate some of these ingredients; but full measures of friendship, would have full mea∣sures of worthiness; and accord∣ing as any defect is in the foundati∣on; in the relation also there may be imperfection: and indeed I shall not blame the friendship so it be worthy, though it be not per∣fect; not only because friendship is charity, which cannot be perfect here, but because there is not in the world a perfect cause of perfect friendship.

If you can suspect that this dis∣course can suppose friendship to be mercenary, and to be defective in the greatest worthiness of it, which is to love our friend for our friends sake (for so Scipio said,

that it was against friendship to say, ita amare oportere ut aliquan∣do esset usurus, that we ought so to love, that we may also some times make use of a friend:) I shall easily be able to defend my self; because I speak of the election and reasons of choosing friends: after he is chosen do as nobly as you talke, and love as purely as you dream, and let your conversation be as metaphysical as your dis∣course, and proceed in this me∣thod, till you be confuted by ex∣perience; yet till then, the case is otherwise when we speak of choo∣sing one to be my friend: He is not my friend till I have chosen him, or loved him; and if any man enquires whom he shall choose or whom he should love, I suppose it ought not to be answer∣ed, that we should love him who hath least amability; that we

should choose him who hath least reason to be chosen: But if it be answered, he is to be chosen to be my friend who is most worthy in himself, not he that can do most good to me; I say, here is a di∣stinction but no difference; for he is most worthy in himself who can do most good; and if he can love me too, that is, if he will do me all the good he can, or that I need, then he is my friend and he deserves it. And it is impossible from a friend to separate a will to do me good: and therefore I do not choose well, if I choose one that hath not power; for if it may consist with the nobleness of friendship to desire that my friend be ready to do me benefit or sup∣port, it is not sense to say, it is ignoble to desire he should really do it when I need; and if it were not for pleasure or profit, we

might as well be without a friend as have him.

Among all the pleasures and pro∣fits, the sensual pleasure and the mat∣ter of money are the lowest and the least; and therefore although they may sometimes be used in friend∣ship, and so not wholly excluded from the consideration of him that is to choose, yet of all things they are to be the least regarded;

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When fortune frowns upon a man, A friend does more then mo∣ney can.

For there are besides these, many profits and many pleasures; and because these only are sordid, all the other are noble and fair and the

expectations of them no disparage∣ments to the best friendships. For can any wise or good man be an∣gry if I say, I chose this man to be my friend, because he is able to give me counsel, to restrain my wandrings, to comfort me in my sorrows; he is pleasant to me in private, and useful in publick; he will make my joyes double, and di∣vide my grief between himself and me? For what else should I choose? For being a fool, and useless; for a pretty face or a smooth chin; I confess it is possible to be a friend to one that is ignorant, and pitia∣ble, handsome and good for no∣thing, that eats well, and drinks deep: but he cannot be a friend to me; and I love him with a fond∣ness or a pity, but it cannot be a noble friendship.

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〈 in non-Latin alphabet 〉〈 in non-Latin alphabet 〉 〈 in non-Latin alphabet 〉〈 in non-Latin alphabet 〉 〈 in non-Latin alphabet 〉〈 in non-Latin alphabet 〉. said Menander.

By wine and mirth and every dayes delight We choose our friends, to whom we think we might Our souls intrust; but fools are they that lend Their bosome to the shadow of a friend.

〈 in non-Latin alphabet 〉〈 in non-Latin alphabet 〉. Plu∣tarch calls such friendships, the I∣dols and Images of friendship. True and brave friendships are between worthy persons; and there is in mankind no degree of worthiness, but is also a degree of usefulness, and by every thing by which a man is excellent, I may be profited: and

because those are the bravest friends which can best serve the ends of friendships, either we must suppose that friendships are not the greatest comforts in the world, or else we must say, he chooses his friend best, that chooses such a one by whom he can receive the great∣est comforts and assistances.

3. This being the measure of all friendships; they all partake of ex∣cellency, according as they are fit∣ted to this measure: a friend may be counselled well enough though his friend be not the wisest man in the world, and he may be pleased in his society though he be not the best natured man in the world; but still it must be, that something ex∣cellent is, or is apprehended, or else it can be no worthy friend∣ship; because the choice is impru∣dent and foolish. Choose for your friend him that is wise and good,

and secret and just, ingenuous and honest; and in those things which have a latitude, use your own li∣berty; but in such things which consist in an indivisible point, make no abatements: That is, you must not choose him to be your friend that is not honest and secret, just and true to a tittle; but if he be wise at all, and useful in any degree, and as good as you can have him, you need not be ashamed to own your friendships; though sometimes you may be ashamed of some imperfe∣ctions of your friend.

4. But if you yet enquire further, whether fancy may be an ingredi∣ent in your choice? I answer, that fancy may minister to this as to all other actions in which there is a li∣berty and variety; and we shall finde that there may be peculiari∣ties and little partialities, a friend∣ship, improperly so called, entring

upon accounts of an innocent pas∣sion and a pleas'd fancy; even our Blessed Saviour himself loved S. Iohn and Lazarus by a special love, which was signified by special treatments; and of the young man that spake well and wisely to Christ, it is affirmed, Iesus loved him: that is, he fancied the man; and his soul had a certain cognati∣on and similitude of temper and inclination. For in all things where there is a latitude, every faculty will endeavour to be pleased, and sometimes the meanest persons in a house have a festival; even sym∣pathies and natural inclinations to some persons, and a conformity of humors, and proportionable loves, and the beauty of the face, and a witty answer may first strike the flint and kindle a spark, which if it falls upon tender and compliant natures may grow into a flame; but

this will never be maintained at the rate of friendship, unless it be fed by pure materials, by worthinesses which are the food of friendship. Where these are not, men and wo∣men may be pleased with one an∣others company, and lie under the same roof, and make themselves companions of equal prosperities, and humour their friend; but if you call this friendship, you give a sacred name to humour or fan∣cy; for there is a Platonic friend∣ship as well as a Platonic love; but they being but the Images of more noble bodies are but like tinsell dressings, which will shew bravely by candle-light, and do excellently in a mask, but are not fit for con∣versation, and the material enter∣courses of our life. These are the prettinesses of prosperity and good natur'd wit; but when we speak of friendship, which is the best thing

in the world (for it is love and be∣neficence; it is charity that is fit∣ted for society) we cannot suppose a brave pile should be built up with nothing; and they that build Ca∣stles in the aire, and look upon friendship, as upon a fine Ro∣mance, a thing that pleases the fan∣cy, but is good for nothing else, will doe well when they are asleep, or when they are come to Elysium; and for ought I know in the mean time may be as much in love with Mandana in the Grand Cyrus, as with the Countess of Exeter; and by dreaming of perfect and abstracted friendships, make them so immate∣rial that they perish in the hand∣ling and become good for no∣thing.

But I know not whither I was go∣ing; I did only mean to say that because friendship is that by which the world is most blessed and re∣ceives

most good, it ought to be chosen amongst the worthiest per∣sons, that is, amongst those that can do greatest benefit to each other; and though in equal worthiness I may choose by my eye, or ear, that is, into the consideration of the essential I may take in also the ac∣cidental and extrinsick worthines∣ses; yet I ought to give every one their just value; when the internal beauties are equal, these shall help to weigh down the scale, and I will love a worthy friend that can de∣light me as well as profit me, ra∣ther then him who cannot delight me at all, and profit me no more; but yet I will not weigh the gayest flowers, or the wings of butterflies against wheat; but when I am to choose wheat, I may take that which looks the brightest: I had ra∣ther see Time and Roses, Marjoram and July flowers that are fair and

sweet and medicinal, then the pret∣tiest Tulips that are good for no∣thing: And my Sheep and Kine are better servants then race-Hor∣ses and Grayhounds: And I shall rather furnish my study with Plu∣tarch and Cicero, with Livy and Po∣lybius, then with Cassandra and Ibra∣him Bassa; and if I do give an hour to these for divertisement or plea∣sure, yet I will dwell with them that can instruct me and make me wise, and eloquent, severe and use∣ful to my selfe, and others. I end this with the saying of Laelius in Ci∣cero: Amicitia non debet consequi utilitatem, sed amicitiam utilitas. When I choose my friend, I will not stay till I have received a kind∣ness; but I will choose such a one that can doe me many if I need them: But I mean such kindnesses which make me wiser, and which make me better; that is, I will

when I choose my friend, choose him that is the bravest, the wor∣thiest and the most excellent per∣son: and then your first Question is soon answered; to love such a person and to contract such friend∣ships is just so authorized by the principles of Christianity, as it is warranted to love wisdome and vertue, goodness and beneficence, and all the impresses of God upon the spirits of brave men.

2. The next inquiry is how far it may extend? That is, by what ex∣pressions it may be signified? I finde that David and Ionathan loved at a strange rate; they were both good men; though it happened that Ionathan was on the obliging side; but here the expressions were; Ionathan watched for Davids good; told him of his danger, and helped him to escape; took part with Da∣vids innocence against his Fathers

malice and injustice; and beyond all this, did it to his own prejudice; and they two stood like two feet supporting one body; though Io∣nathan knew that David would prove like the foot of a Wrastler, and would supplant him, not by any unworthy or unfriendly action, but it was from God; and he gave him his hand to set him upon his own throne.

We finde his paralels in the Gen∣tile stories: young Athenodorus ha∣ving divided the estate with his Bro∣ther Xenon; divided it again when Xenon had spent his own share; and Lucullus would not take the Con∣sulship till his younger brother had first enjoyed it for a year; but Pol∣lux divided with Castor his immor∣tality; and you know who offer'd himselfe to death being pledg for his friend; and his friend by per∣forming his word rescued him a

bravely: and when we finde in Scripture that for a good man some will even dare to die; and that Aquila and Priscilla laid their necks down for S. Paul; and the Galatians would have given him their very eyes, that is, every thing that was most dear to them, and some others were neer unto death for his sake; and that it is a precept of Christian charity, to lay down our lives for our Bre∣thren, that is, those who were com∣bined in a cause of Religion, who were united with the same hopes, and imparted to each other ready assistances, and grew dear by com∣mon sufferings, we need enquire no further for the expressions of friendships: Greater love then this hath no man, then that he lay down his life for his friends; and this we are oblig'd to do in some Cases for all Christians; and therefore we may do it for those who are to us in this

present and imperfect state of things, that which all the good men and women in the world shall be in Heaven, that is, in the state of perfect friendships. This is the biggest; but then it includes and can suppose all the rest; and if this may be done for all, and in some cases must for any one of the mul∣titude, we need not scruple whe∣ther we may do it, for those who are better then a multitude. But as for the thing it selfe, it is not easily and lightly to be done; and a man must not die for humor, nor expend so great a Jewel for a trifle: 〈 in non-Latin alphabet 〉〈 in non-Latin alphabet 〉: said Philo; we will hardly die when it is for nothing, when no good, no worthy end is served, and become a Sacrifice to redeem a foot-boy. But we may not give our life to redeem another: unless.

1. The party for whom we die be a worthy and a useful person; bet∣ter for the publick or better for Re∣ligion, and more useful to others then my selfe. Thus Ribischius the German died bravely when he be∣came a Sacrifice for his Master, Maurice Duke of Saxony; Cover∣ing his Masters body with his own, that he might escape the furie of the Turkish Souldiers. Succurram pe∣rituro, sed ut ipse non peream, nisi si futurus ero magni hominis, aut magnae rei merces; said Seneca. I will help a dying person if I can; but I will not die my selfe for him, unless by my death I save a brave man, or be∣come the price of a great thing; that is, I will die for a Prince, for the republick, or to save an Army as David expos'd himself to combat with the Philistin for the redempti∣on of the Host of Israel: And in this sense, that is true; Praestat ut pereat

unus, quam Unitas, better that one perish then a multitude. 2. A man dies bravely when he gives his tem∣poral life to save the soul of any sin∣gle person in the Christian world. It is a worthy exchange, and the glorification of that love by which Christ gave his life for every soul. Thus he that reproves an erring Prince wisely and necessarily, he that affirms a fundamental truth, or stands up for the glory of the Di∣vine attributes, though he die for it, becoms a worthy sacrifice. 3. These are duty, but it may be heroick and full of Christian bravery, to give my life to rescue a noble and a brave friend; though I my selfe be as worthy a man as he; because the preference of him is an act of hu∣mility in me; and of friendship to∣wards him; Humility and Charity making a pious difference where art and nature have made all e∣quall.

Some have fancied other mea∣sures of treating our friends. One sort of men say that we are to ex∣pect that our friends should value us as we value our selves: which if it were to be admitted, will require that we make no friendships with a proud man; and so farre indeed were well; but then this propor∣tion does exclude also humble men who are most to be valued, and the rather because they undervalue themselves.

Others say that a friend is to va∣lue his friend as much as his friend values him; but neither is this well or safe, wise or sufficient; for it makes friendship a mere bargain, and is something like the Country weddings in some places where I have been; where the bridegroom and the bride must meet in the half way, and if they fail a step, they retire and break the match: It is

not good to make a reckoning in friendship; that's merchandise, or it may be gratitude, but not noble friendship; in which each part strives to out-do the other in signi∣fications of an excellent love: And amongst true friends there is no fear of losing any thing.

But that which amongst the old Philosophers comes nearest to the right, is that we love our friends as we love our selves. If they had meant it as our Blessed Saviour did, of that general friendship by which we are to love all mankind, it had been perfect and well; or if they had meant it of the inward affe∣ction, or of outward justice; but because they meant it of the most excellent friendships, and of the outward significations of it, it can∣not be sufficient: for a friend may and must sometimes do more for his friend then he would doe for

himself. Some men will perish be∣fore they will beg or petition for themselves to some certain persons; but they account it noble to doe it for their friend, and they will want rather then their friend shall want; and they will be more earnest in praise or dispraise respectively for their friend then for themselves. And indeed I account that one of the greatest demonstrations of real friendship is, that a friend can real∣ly endeavour to have his friend ad∣vanced in honour, in reputation, in the opinion of wit or learning be∣fore himselfe.

* 1.1Aurum & opes, & rura fre∣quens donabit amicus: Qui velit ingenio cedere rarus erit. Sed tibi tantus inest veteris respectus amici Carior ut mea sit quam tua fama tibi.

Lands, gold and trifles many give or lend; But he that stoops in fame is a rare friend: In friendships orbe thou art the brightest starre Before thy fame mine thou prefer∣rest far.

But then be pleas'd to think that therefore I so highly value this sig∣nification of friendship, because I so highly value humility. Humi∣lity and Charity are the two great∣est graces in the world; and these are the greatest ingredients which constitute friendship and ex∣presse it.

But there needs no other measures of friendship but that it may be as great as you can express it; beyond death it cannot goe, to death it may, when the cause is reasonable

and just, charitable and religious: and yet if there be any thing great∣er then to suffer death (and pain and shame to some are more in∣sufferable) a true and noble friend∣ship shrinks not at the greatest trials.

And yet there is a limit even to friendship. It must be as great as our friend fairely needs in all things where we are not tied up by a for∣mer duty, to God, to our selves, or some pre-obliging relative. When Pollux heard some body whisper a reproach against his Bro∣ther Castor, he kill'd the slanderer with his fist: That was a zeal which his friendship could not warrant. Nulla est excusatio si ami∣ei causâ peccaveris said Cicero. No friendship can excuse a sinne: And this the braver Romans instanced in the matter of duty to their Coun∣try. It is not lawful to fight on

our friends part against our Prince or Country; and therefore when Caius Blosius of Cuma in the sedition of Gracchus appeared against his Country, when he was taken he answered, that he loved Tiberius Gracchus so dearly, that he thought fit to follow him whithersoever he lead; and begg'd pardon upon that account. They who were his Jud∣ges were so noble, that though they knew it no fair excuse: yet for the honour of friendship they did not directly reject his motion: but put him to death, because he did not follow, but led on Gracchus and brought his friend into the snare: For so they preserved the honours of friendship on either hand, by neither suffering it to be sullied by a foul excuse, nor yet rejected in any fair pretence. A man may not be perjured for his friend. I remember to have read

in the History of the Low-coun∣treys, that Grimston and Redhead, when Bergenapzoom was besieged by the Duke of Parma acted for the in∣terest of the Queen of Englands for∣ces a notable design; but being sus∣pected and put for their acquittance to take the Sacrament of the Altar, they dissembled their persons, and their interest, their design and their Religion, and did for the Queens service (as one wittily wrote to her) give not only their bodies but their souls, and so deserved a re∣ward greater then she could pay them: I cannot say this is a thing greater then a friendship can re∣quire, for it is not great at all, but a great villany, which hath no name, and no order in worthy en∣tercourses; and no obligation to a friend can reach as high as our Duty to God: And he that does a base thing in zeal for his friend,

burns the golden thred that ties their hearts together; it is a con∣spiracy, but no longer friendship. And when Cato lent his wife to Hortensius, and Socrates lent his to a merry Greek, they could not a∣mongst wise persons obtain so much as the fame of being worthy friends, neither could those great Names legitimate an unworthy action under the most plausible title.

It is certain that amongst friends their estates are common; that is, by whatsoever I can rescue my friend from calamity, I am to serve him, or not to call him friend; and there is a great latitude in this, and it is to be restrained by no pru∣dence, but when there is on the o∣ther side a great necessity neither vitious nor avoidable: A man may choose, whether he will or no; and he does not sin in not do∣ing

it, unless he have bound him∣self to it: But certainly friendship is the greatest band in the world, and if he have professed a great friend∣ship, he hath a very great obliga∣tion to do that and more; and he can no wayes be disobliged but by the care of his Natural relati∣ons.

I said, [Friendship is the great∣est bond in the world,] and I had reason for it, for it is all the bands that this world hath; and there is no society, and there is no rela∣tion that is worthy, but it is made so by the communications of friendship and by partaking some of its excellencies. For friendship is a transcendent, and signifies as much as Unity can mean, and every consent, and every pleasure, and every benefit, and every society is the Mother or the Daughter of friendship. Some friendships are

made by nature, some by contract, some by interest, and some by souls. And in proportion to these wayes of Uniting, so the friendships are greater or less, vertuous or natu∣ral, profitable or holy, or all this together. Nature makes excellent friendships, of which we observe something in social plants; grow∣ing better in each others neighbour∣hood then where they stand singly: And in animals it is more notori∣ous, whose friendships extend so far as to herd and dwell together, to play, and feed, to defend and fight for one another, and to cry in ab∣sence, and to rejoyce in one ano∣thers presence. But these friend∣ships have other names less noble, they are sympathy, or they are in∣stinct. But if to this natural friend∣ship there be reason superadded, something will come in upon the stock of reason which will enoble

it; but because no Rivers can rise higher then Fountains, reason shall draw out all the dispositions which are in Nature and establish them into friendships, but they cannot surmount the communications of Nature; Nature can make no friendships greater then her own excellencies. Nature is the way of contracting necessary friendships: that is, by nature such friendships are contracted without which we cannot live, and be educated, or be well, or be at all. In this scene, that of Parents and Children is the greatest, which indeed is begun in nature, but is actuated by society and mutual endearments. For Pa∣rents love their Children because they love themselves, Children be∣ing but like emissions of water, sym∣bolical, or indeed the same with the fountain; and they in their posteri∣ty see the images and instrument of

a civil immortality; but if Parents and Children do not live together, we see their friendships and their loves are much abated, and suppor∣ted only by fame and duty, by cu∣stomes and religion which to na∣ture are but artificial pillars, and make this friendship to be compli∣cated, and to pass from its own kind to another. That of Children to their Parents is not properly friend∣ship, but gratitude and interest, and religion, and what ever can super∣vene of the nature of friendship comes in upon another account; upon society and worthiness and choice.

This relation on either hand makes great Dearnesses: But it hath special and proper significati∣ons of it, and there is a special du∣ty incumbent on each other respe∣ctively. This friendship and social relation is not equal, and there is

too much authority on one side, and too much fear on the other to make equal friendships; and there∣fore although this is one of the kindes of friendship, that is of a so∣cial and relative love and conver∣sation, yet in the more proper use of the word; [Friendship] does doe some things which Father and Son do not; I instance in the free and open communicating counsels, and the evenness and pleasantnesse of conversation; and consequently the significations of the paternal and filial love as they are divers in themselves and Unequal, and there∣fore another kinde of friendship then we mean in our inquiry, so they are such a duty which no other friendship can annul: because their mutual duty is bound upon them by religion long before any other friendships can be contracted; and therefore having first possession

must abide for ever. The duty and love to Parents must not yeeld to religion, much less to any new friendships: and our Parents are to be preferred before the Corban; and are at no hand to be laid aside but when they engage against God: That is, in the rights which this re∣lation and kind of friendship chal∣lenges as its propriety, it is supreme and cannot give place to any other friendships; till the Father gives his right away, and God or the Laws consent to it; as in the case of mar∣riage, emancipation, and adopti∣on to another family: in which ca∣ses though love and gratitude are still obliging, yet the societies and duties of relation are very much al∣tered, which in the proper and best friendships can never be at all. But then this also is true: that the social relations of Parents and Children not having in them all the capaci∣ties

of a proper friendship, cannot challenge all the significations of it: that is, it is no prejudice to the duty I owe there, to pay all the dearnesses which are due here, and to friends there are somethings due which the other cannot challenge: I mean, my secret, and my equal con∣versation, and the pleasures and in∣terests of these, and the consequents of all.

Next to this is the society and dearness of Brothers and Sisters: which usually is very great a∣mongst worthy persons; but if it be considered what it is in it self, it is but very little; there is very often a likenesse of natural temper, and there is a social life under the same roof, and they are command∣ed to love one another, and they are equals in many instances, and are endeared by conversation when it is merry and pleasant, innocent

and simple, without art and with∣out design. But Brothers pass not into noble friendships upon the stock of that relation: they have fair dispositions and advantages, and are more easie and ready to ferment into the greatest dearnes∣ses, if all things else be answera∣ble. Nature disposes them well towards it, but in this inquiry if we aske what duty is passed upon a Brother to a Brother even for be∣ing so? I answer, that religion and our parents and God and the laws appoint what measures they please; but nature passes but very little, and friendship less; and this we see ap∣parently in those Brothers who live asunder, and contract new rela∣tions, and dwell in other societies: There is no love, no friendship without the entercourse of conver∣sation: Friendships indeed may last longer then our abode toge∣ther,

but they were first contract∣ed by it, and established by plea∣sure and benefit, and unless it be the best kind of friendship (which that of Brothers in that meer capa∣city is not) it dies when it wants the proper nutriment and support: and to this purpose is that which was spoken by Solomon: [better is a neighbour that is near, then a Brother that is far off:* 1.2] that is, although ordinarily, Brothers are first possessed of the entries and fancies of friendship, because they are of the first societies and conver∣sations, yet when that ceases and the Brother goes away, so that he does no advantage, no benefit of entercourse; the neighbour that dwells by me, with whom if I con∣verse at all, either he is my enemy and does, and receives evil; or if we converse in worthinesses and benefit and pleasant communicati∣on,

he is better in the laws and measures of friendship then my di∣stant Brother. And it is observable that [Brother] is indeed a word of friendship and charity and of mu∣tual endearment, and so is a title of the bravest society; yet in all the Scripture there are no precepts given of any duty and comport which Brothers, that is, the descen∣dents of the same parents are to have one towards another in that capacity, and it is not because their nearness is such that they need none: For parents and children are neerer and yet need tables of duty to be described; and for Brothers, certainly they need it infinitely if there be any peculiar duty; Cain and Abel are the great probation of that, and you know who said,

Fratrum quoque gratia rara est:

It is not often you shall see Two Brothers live in amity.

But the Scripture which often de∣scribes the duty of Parents and Children, never describes the duty of Brothers; except where by Brethren are meant all that part of mankind who are tied to us by any vicinity and endearment of religi∣on or country, of profession and family, of contract or society, of love and the noblest friendships; the meaning is, that though frater∣nity alone be the endearment of some degrees of friendship, with∣out choice and without excellen∣cy; yet the relation it selfe is not friendship and does not naturally infer it, and that which is procu∣red by it, is but limited and lit∣tle; and though it may pass into it, as other conversations may, yet the friendship is accidental to it;

enters upon other accounts, as it does between strangers; with this only difference that Brotherhood does oftentimes assist the valuation of those excellencies for which we entertain our friendships. Fra∣ternity is the opportunity and the preliminary dispositions to friend∣ship, and no more. For if my Bro∣ther be a fool or a vitious person, the love to which nature and our first conversation disposes me, does not end in friendship, but in pity and fair provisions, and assistan∣ces; which is a demonstration that Brotherhood is but the inclination and address to friendship; and though I will love a worthy Bro∣ther more then a worthy stanger; if the worthiness be equal, because the relation is something, and being put into the scales against an equal worthiness must needs turn the ballance, as every grain will do

in an even weight; yet when the relation is all the worthiness that is pretended, it cannot stand in competition with a friend: for though a friend-Brother is better then a friend-stranger, where the friend is equal, but the Brother is not: yet a Brother is not better then a friend; but as Solomons ex∣pression is, [there is a friend that is better then a Brother,] and to be born of the same parents is so ac∣cidental and extrinsick to a mans pleasure or worthiness, or spiritu∣al advantages, that though it be very pleasing and usefull that a Brother should be a friend, yet it is no great addition to a friend that he also is a Brother: there is some∣thing in it, but not much. But in short, the case is thus. The first beginnings of friendship serve the necessities; but choice and wor∣thiness are the excellencies of its

endearment and its bravery; and between a Brother that is no friend, and a friend that is no Brother; there is the same difference as be∣tween the disposition, and the act or habit: a Brother if he be worthy is the readiest and the nearest to be a friend, but till he be so, he is but the twi-light of the day, and but the blossom to the fairest fruit of Paradise. A Brother does not al∣wayes make a friend, but a friend ever makes a Brother and more: And although nature sometimes findes the tree, yet friendship en∣graves the Image; the first relati∣on places him in the garden, but friendship sets it in the Temple, and then only it is venerable and sacred: and so is Brother-hood when it hath the soul of friend∣ship.

So that if it be asked which are most to be valued, Brothers or

friends; the answer is very easie; Brotherhood is or may be one of the kinds of friendship, and from thence onely hath its value, and therefore if it be compared with a greater friendship must give place: But then it is not to be asked which is to be preferred, a Brother or a Friend, but which is the better friend; Memnon or my Brother? For if my Brother sayes I ought to love him best, then he ought to love me best; * 1.3 if he does, then there is a great friendship and he possibly is to be prefer∣red; if he can be that friend which he pre∣tends to be, that is, if he be equally worthy: but if he sayes, I must love him only because he is my Brother, whether he loves me or no, he is ridiculous; and it will be a strange relation

which hath no correspondent: but suppose it, and adde this also, that I am equally his Brother as he is mine, and then he also must love me whether I love him or no, and if he does not; he sayes, I must love him though he be my Enemy; and so I must; but I must not love my Enemy though he be my Brother more then I love my Friend; and at last if he does love me for being his Brother, I confess that this love deserves love again; but then I consider, that he loves me upon an incompetent reason: for he that loves me only because I am his Brother, loves me for that which is no worthiness, and I must love him as much as that comes to, and for as little reason; unlesse this be added, that he loves me first: but whether choice and u∣nion of souls, and worthiness of manners and greatness of under∣standing,

and usefulness of conver∣sation, and the benefits of Counsel and all those endearments which make our lives pleasant and our persons Dear, are not better and greater reasons of love and Dear∣ness then to be born of the same flesh, I think amongst wise per∣sons needs no great enquiry. For fraternity is but a Cognation of bo∣dies, but friendship is an Union of souls which are confederated by more noble ligatures. My Bro∣ther, if he be no more, shall have my hand to help him, but unless he be my friend too, he cannot chal∣lenge my heart: and if his being my friend be the greater nearnesse; then friend is more then Brother, and I suppose no man doubts but that David lov'd Ionathan far more then he lov'd his Brother Eliab.

One inquiry more there may be in this affair, and that is, whether

a friend may be more then Hus∣band or Wife? To which I an∣swer, that it can never be reasona∣ble or just, prudent or lawful: but the reason is, because Marriage is the Queen of friendships, in which there is a communication of all that can be communicated by friend∣ship: and it being made sacred by vows and love, by bodies and souls, by interest and custome, by reli∣gion and by laws, by common counsels, and common fortunes; it is the principal in the kind of friendship, and the measure of all the rest: And there is no abate∣ment to this consideration, but that there may be some allay in this as in other lesser friendships by the in∣capacity of the persons: if I have not chosen my friend wisely or fortunately, he cannot be the corre∣lative in the best Union; but then the friend lives as the soul does af∣ter

death, it is in the state of sepa∣ration, in which the soul strangely loves the body and longs to be reunited, but the body is an useless trunk and can do no ministeries to the soul; which therefore prayes to have the body reformed and re∣stored and made a brave and a fit companion: So must these best friends, when one is useless or unapt to the braveries of the prin∣cely friendship, they must love ever, and pray ever, and long till the other be perfected and made fit; in this case there wants only the body, but the soul is still a relative and must be so for ever.

A Husband and a Wife are the best friends, but they cannot al∣wayes signifie all that to each o∣ther which their friendships would; as the Sun shines not upon a Valley which sends up a thick va∣pour to cover his face; and though

his beams are eternal, yet the e∣mission is intercepted by the inter∣vening cloud. But however, all friendships are but parts of this; a man must leave Father and Mother and cleave to his Wife, that is [the dearest thing in Nature is not compa∣rable to the dearest thing of friend∣ship:] and I think this is argument sufficient to prove friendship to be the greatest band in the world; Adde to this, that other friendships are parts of this, they are marria∣ges too, less indeed then the o∣ther, because they cannot, must not be all that endearment which the other is; yet that being the principal, is the measure of the rest, and are all to be honoured by like dignities, and measured by the same rules, and conducted by their portion of the same Laws: But as friendships are Marriages of the soul, and of fortunes and interests,

and counsels; so they are brother∣hoods too; and I often think of the excellencies of friendships in the words of David, who certainly was the best friend in the world [Ecce quam bonum & quam jucundum fra∣tres habitare in unum:] It is good and it is pleasant that Brethren should live like friends, that is, they who are any wayes relative, and who are any wayes sociall and confederate should also dwell in Unity and loving society, for that is the meaning of the word [Bro∣ther] in Scripture [It was my Bro∣ther Ionathan, said David: such Brothers contracting such friend∣ships are the beauties of society, and the pleasure of life, and the festivity of minds: and whatsoe∣ver can be spoken of love, which is Gods eldest daughter, can be said of vertuous friendships; and though Carneades made an eloquent

oration at Rome against justice, yet never saw a Paneg rick of ma∣lice, or ever read that any man was witty against friendship. In∣deed it is probable that some men, finding themselves by the peculia∣rities of friendship excluded from the participation of those beauties of society which enamel and a∣dorn the wise and the vertuous might suppose themselves to have reason to speak the evill words of envie and detraction; I wonder not for all those unhappy souls which shall find heaven gates shut against them, will think they have reason to murmur and blaspheme: The similitude is apt enough, for that is the region of friendship; and love is the light of that glori∣ous Countrey, but so bright that it needs no Sun: Here we have fine and bright rayes of that celestiall flame, and though to all mankinde

the light of it is in some measure to be extended, like the treasures of light dwelling in the South, yet a little do illustrate and beautifie the North, yet some live under the line, and the beams of friendship in that position are imminent and perpendicular.

I know but one thing more in which the Communications of friendship can be restrained; and that is, in Friends and Enemies: Amicus amici, amicus meus non est: My friends friend is not alwayes my friend; nor his enemy mine; for if my friend quarrell with a third person with whom he hath had no friendships, upon the ac∣count of interest; if that third person be my friend, the noble∣ness of our friendships despises such a quarrel; and what may be reasonable in him, would be igno∣ble in me; sometimes it may be

otherwise, and friends may mar∣ry one anothers loves and hatreds, but it is by chance if it can be just, and therefore because it is not al∣wayes right it cannot be ever neces∣sary.

In all things else, let friendships be as high and expressive till they become an Union, or that friends like the Molionidae be so the same that the flames of their dead bo∣dies make but one Pyramis; no charity can be reproved, and such friendships which are more then shadows, are nothing else but the rayes of that glorious grace drawn into one centre, and made more a∣ctive by the Union; and the pro∣per significations are well repre∣sented in the old Hieroglyphick, by which the antients depicted friendship:

In the beauties and strength of a young man, bare-headed, rudely clothed, to signi∣fie

its activity, and lastingness, readiness of action, and aptnesses to doe service; Upon the fringes of his garment was written Mors & vita, as signifying that in life and death the friendship was the same; on the forehead was writ∣ten, Summer and Winter, that is, prosperous and adverse accidents and states of life; the left arm and shoulder was bare and na∣ed down to the heart to which the finger pointed, and there was written longè & propè:

by all which we know that friendship does good farre and neer: in Sum∣mer and in Winter, in life and death, and knowes no difference of state or accident but by the varie∣ty of her services: and therefore ask no more to what we can be ob∣liged by friendship; for it is e∣very thing that can be honest and prudent, useful and necessary.

For this is all the allay of this Universality, we may do any thing or suffer any thing, that is wise or necessary, or greatly beneficial to my friend, and that in any thing, in which I am perfect master of my person and fortunes. But I would not in bravery visit my friend when he is sick of the plague, unless I can do him good equall at least to my danger, but I will procure him Physicians and prayers, all the as∣sistances that he can receive, and that he can desire, if they be in my power: and when he is dead, I will not run into his grave and be stifled with his earth; but I will mourn for him, and perform his will, and take care of his relatives, and doe for him as if he were a∣live, and I think that is the mean∣ing of that hard saying of a Greek Poet

〈 in non-Latin alphabet 〉〈 in non-Latin alphabet 〉 〈 in non-Latin alphabet 〉〈 in non-Latin alphabet 〉. To me though distant let thy friendship fly, Though men be mortal, friendships must not die. Of all things else ther's great sa∣tiety.

Of such immortal abstracted pure friendships indeed there is no great plenty, and to see brothers hate each other, is not so rare as to see them love at this rate. The dead and the absent have but few friends, say the Spaniards; but they who are the same to their friend 〈 in non-Latin alphabet 〉〈 in non-Latin alphabet 〉, when he is in another Countrey, or in another World, these are they who are fit to pre∣serve

the sacred fire for eternal sa∣crifices, and to perpetuate the me∣mory of those exemplar friend∣ships of the best men which have filled the world with history and wonder: for in no other sense but this, can it be true; that friend∣ships are pure loves, regarding to do good more then to receive it: He that is a friend after death, hopes not for a recompense from his friend, and makes no bargain either for fame or love; but is rewarded with the conscience and satisfacti∣on of doing bravely: but then this is demonstration that they choose Friends best who take persons so worthy that can and will do so: This is the profit and usefulnesse of friendship; and he that contracts such a noble Union; must take care that his friend be such who can and will; but hopes that him∣selfe shall be first used, and put

to act it: I will not have such a friendship that is good for no∣thing, but I hope that I shall be on the giving and assisting part; and yet if both the friends be so noble and hope and strive to doe the benefit, I cannot well say which ought to yield, and whe∣ther that friendship were braver that could be content to be un∣prosperous so his friend might have the glory of assisting him; or that which desires to give assi∣stances in the greatest measures of friendship: but he that chooses a worthy friend that himself in the dayes of sorrow and need might receive the advantage, hath no excuse, no pardon, unless him∣self be as certain to do assistan∣ces when evil fortune shall require them. The summe of this answer to this enquiry I give you in a pair of Greek verses.

〈 in non-Latin alphabet 〉〈 in non-Latin alphabet 〉 〈 in non-Latin alphabet 〉〈 in non-Latin alphabet 〉. Friends are to friends as lesser Gods, while they Honour and service to each other pay. But when a dark cloud comes, grudge not to lend Thy head, thy heart, thy fortune to thy friend.

3. The last inquiry is, how friend∣ships are to be conducted? That is, what are the duties in presence and in absence; whether the friend may not desire to enjoy his friend as well as his friendship? The answer to which in a great measure depends upon what I have said already: and if friendship be a charity in society,

and is not for contemplation and noise, but for materiall comforts and noble treatments and usages, there is no peradventure, but that if I buy land, I may eat the fruits, and if I take a house. I may dwell in it; and if I love a worthy per∣son, I may please my selfe in his society: and in this there is no ex∣ception, unless the friendship be between persons of a different sex: for then not only the interest of their religion, and the care of their honour, but the worthiness of their friendship requires that their entercourse be prudent and free from suspicion and reproach: and if a friend is obliged to bear a ca∣lamity, so he secure the honour of his friend, it will concern him to conduct his entercourse in the lines of a vertuous prudence, so that he shall rather lose much of his own comfort, then she any thing

of her honour; and in this case, the noises of people are so to be regarded, that next to innocence they are the principal. But when by caution and prudence and se∣vere conduct, a friend hath done all that he or she can to secure fame and honourable reports; af∣ter this, their noises are to be de∣spised; they must not fright us from our friendships, nor from her fairest entercourses; I may lawfully pluck the clusters from my own vine, though he that walks by, calls me thief.

But by the way (Madam) you may see how much I differ from the morosity of those Cynics who would not admit your sex into the communities of a noble friend∣ship. I believe some Wives have been the best friends in the world; and few stories can out-do the no∣bleness and piety of that Lady that

suck'd the poisonous, purulent matter from the wound of our brave Prince in the holy Land, when an Assasine had pierc'd him with a venom'd arrow; and if it be told that women cannot retain counsell, and therefore can be no brave friends; I can best confute them by the story of Porcia, who being fearful of the weakness of her sex, stabb'd her self into the thigh to try how she could bear pain; and finding her selfe con∣stant enough to that sufferance, gently chid her Brutus for not daring to trust her, since now she perceived that no torment could wrest that secret from her, which she hoped might be intrusted to her. If there were not more things to be said for your satisfa∣ction, I could have made it dispu∣table whether have been more illustrious in their friendships men

or women? I cannot say that Women are capable of all those excellencies by which men can ob∣lige the world; and therefore a femal friend in some cases is not so good a counsellor as a wise man, and cannot so well defend my ho∣nour; nor dispose of reliefs and assistances if she be under the pow∣er of another: but a woman can love as passionately, and converse as pleasantly, and retain a secret as faithfully, and be useful in her proper ministeries; and she can die for her friend as well as the bravest Roman Knight; and we find that some persons have en∣gag'd themselves as farre as death upon a less interest then all this amounts to: such were the 〈 in non-Latin alphabet 〉〈 in non-Latin alphabet 〉 as the Greeks call them, the Devoti of a Prince or General, the Assasines amongst the Saracens, the 〈 in non-Latin alphabet 〉〈 in non-Latin alphabet 〉 amongst the old Ga∣latians:

they did as much as a friend could do; and if the great∣est services of a friend can be paid for by an ignoble price, we can∣not grudge to vertuous and brave women that they be partners in a noble friendship, since their con∣versation and returns can adde so many moments to the felicity of our lives: and therefore, though a Knife cannot enter as farre as a Sword, yet a Knife may be more useful to some purposes; and in every thing, except it be against an enemy. A man is the best friend in trouble, but a woman may be equal to him in the dayes of joy: a woman can as well in∣crease our comforts, but cannot so well lessen our sorrows: and therefore we do not carry women with us when we go to fight; but in peacefull Cities and times, vertuous women are the beauties

of society and the prettinesses of friendship. And when we consider that few persons in the world have all those excellencies by which friendship can be usefull and illu∣strious, we may as well allow women as men to be friends; since they can have all that which can be necessary and essentiall to friend∣ships, and these cannot have all by which friendships can be acciden∣tally improved; in all some abate∣ments will be made; and we shall do too much honour to women, if we reject them from friendships because they are not perfect: for if to friendships we admit imper∣fect men, because no man is per∣fect: he that rejects women does finde fault with them because they are not more perfect then men, which either does secretly affirm that they ought and can be per∣fect, or else it openly accuses men

of injustice and partiality.

I hope you will pardon me that I am a little gone from my un∣dertaking, I went aside to wait upon the women and to do coun∣tenance to their tender vertues: I am now return'd, and, if I were to do the office of a guide to unin∣structed friends, would adde the particulars following; Madam, you need not read them now, but when any friends come to be taught by your precept and exam∣ple how to converse in the no∣blest Conjugations, you may put these into better words and tell them

1. That the first law of friend∣ship is, they must neither ask of their friend what is Undecent; nor grant it if themselves be askt. For it is no good office to make my friend more vitious or more a fool; I will restrain his folly, but not

nurse it; I will not make my groom the officer of my lust and vanity. There are Villains who sell their souls for bread, that offer sin and vanity at a price: I should be unwilling my friend should know I am vitious; but if he could be brought to minister to it; he is not worthy to be my friend: and if I could offer it to him, I do not deserve to claspe hands with a ver∣tuous person.

2. Let no man choose him for his friend whom it shall be possi∣ble for him ever after to hate, for though the society may justly be interrupted, yet love is an immor∣tal thing, and I will never despise him whom I could once think worthy of my love. A friend that proves not good is rather to be suffered, then any enmities be en∣tertained: and there are some out∣er offices of friendship and little

drudgeries in which the less wor∣thy are to be imployed, and it is better that he be below stairs then quite thrown out of doors.

3. There are two things which a friend can never pardon, a trea∣cherous blow and the revealing of a secret, because these are against the Nature of friendship; they are the adulteries of it, and dissolve the Union; and in the matters of friendship which is the marriage of souls; these are the proper causes of divorce: and therefore I shall adde this only, that secrecy is the chastity of friendship, and the pub∣lication of it is a prostitution and direct debauchery; but a secret, treacherous wound is a perfect and unpardonable Apostacy. I remember a pretty apologue that Bromiard tells. A Fowler in a sharp frosty morning having taken many little birds for which he

had long watched, began to take up his nets; and nipping the birds on the head laid them down. A young thrush espying the tears trickling down his cheeks by the reason of the extreme cold, said to her Mother, that certainly the man was very merciful and com∣passionate that wept so bitterly o∣ver the calamity of the poor Birds. But her Mother told her more wisely, that she might better judge of the mans disposition by his hand then by his eye; and if the hands do strike treacherously, he can ne∣ver be admitted to friendship, who speaks fairly and weeps pittifully. Friendship is the greatest ho∣nesty and ingenuity in the world.

4. Never accuse thy friend, nor believe him that does: if thou dost, thou hast broken the skin; but he that is angry with every little

fault breaks the bones of friend∣ship: and when we consider that in society and the accidents of eve∣ry day, in which no man is con∣stantly pleased or displeased with the same things; we shall finde reason to impute the change unto our selves; and the emanations of the Sun are still glorious, when our eyes are sore: and we have no reason to be angry with an eter∣nal light, because we have a change∣able and a mortal faculty. But however, do not think thou didst contract alliance with an Angel, when thou didst take thy friend in∣to thy bosome; he may be weak as well as thou art, and thou may∣est need pardon as well as he, and

〈 in non-Latin alphabet 〉〈 in non-Latin alphabet 〉 〈 in non-Latin alphabet 〉〈 in non-Latin alphabet 〉 〈 in non-Latin alphabet 〉〈 in non-Latin alphabet 〉 〈 in non-Latin alphabet 〉〈 in non-Latin alphabet 〉. Theog.

that man loves flattery more then friendship, who would not only have his friend, but all the contingencies of his friend to humour him.

5. Give thy friend counsel wise∣ly and charitably, but leave him to his liberty whether he will fol∣low thee or no: and be not angry if thy counsel be rejected: for, advice is no Empire, and he is not my friend that will be my Judge whether I will or no. Neoptole∣mus had never been honoured with the victory and spoiles of Troy if he had attended to the tears and counsel of Lycomedes, who being a∣fraid to venture the young man, fain would have had him sleep at home safe in his little Island. He that gives advice to his friend and exacts obedience to it, does not the kindnesse and ingenuity of a friend but the office and pertness of a Schoolmaster.

6. Never be a Judge between thy friends in any matter where both set their hearts upon the victo∣ry: If st••angers or enemies be li∣tigants, what ever side thou fa∣vourest, thou gettest a friend, but when friends are the parties thou lo∣sest one.

7. Never comport thy self so, as that thy friend can be afraid of thee: for then the state of the relation alters when a new and troublesome passion supervenes. ODERUNT quos METU∣UNT. Perfect love casteth out fear, and no man is friend to a Tyrant; but that friendship is Tyranny where the love is changed into fear, equality into empire, so∣ciety into obedience; for then all my kindness to him also will be no better then flattery.

8. When you admonish your friend, let it be without bitter∣nesse; when you chide him, let it be without reproach; when you praise him, let it be with wor∣thy purposes and for just ca••∣ses, and in friendly measures; too much of that is flattery, too lit∣tle is envy; if you doe it justly you teach him true measures: but when others praise him, re∣joyce, though they praise not thee, and remember that if thou esteem∣est his praise to be thy disparage∣ment, thou art envious, but neither just nor kind.

9. When all things else are e∣qual preferre an old friend be∣fore a new. If thou meanest to spend thy friend, and make a gain of him till he be weary, thou wilt esteem him as a beast of burden, the worse for his age;

But if thou esteemest him by no∣ble measures, he will be better to thee by thy being used to him, by tryall and experience, by re∣ciprocation of indearments, and an habitual worthiness. An old friend is like old wine, which when a man hath drunk, he doth not desire new, because he saith the old is better. But every old friend was new once; and if he be worthy keep the new one till he be∣come old.

10. After all this, treat thy friend nobly, love to be with him, do to him all the worthines∣ses of love and fair endear∣ment, according to thy capaci∣ty and his; Bear with his infir∣mities till they approach to∣wards being criminal; but ne∣ver dissemble with him, never despise him, never leave him.

* 1.4 Give him gifts and upbraid him not, † 1.5 and refuse not his kind∣nesses, and be sure never to despise the smallness or the impropriety of them. Confirmatur amor beneficio accepto: A gift (saith Solomon) fastneth friendships; for as an eye that dwells long upon a starre must be refreshed with lesser beauties and strengthened with greens and looking-glasses, lest the sight be∣come amazed with too great a splendor; so must the love of friends sometimes be refreshed with ma∣terial and low Caresses; lest by

striving to be too divine it becomes less humane: It must be allowed its share of both: It is humane in giving pardon and fair constructi∣on, and opennesse and ingenuity, and keeping secrets; it hath some∣thing that is Divine, because it is be∣neficent; but much because it is E∣ternall.

FINIS.

Postscript.

MADAM,

IF you shall think it fit that these papers pass further then your own eye and Closet, I desire they may be consign'd into the hands of my worthy friend Dr. Wedderburne: For I do not only expose all my sickness to his cure, but I submit my weaknesses to his censure, being as confident

to finde of him charity for what is pardonable, as re∣medy for what is curable: but indeed Madam I look upon that worthy man as an Idea of Friendship, and if I had no other notices of Friendship or conversation to instruct me then his, it were sufficient: For what∣soever I can say of Friend∣ship, I can say of his, and as all that know him reckon him amongst the best Physicians, so I knew

him worthy to be rec∣koned amongst the best friends.

Notes

• * 1.1

  Martial. l. 8. ep. 18.
• * 1.2

  Prov. 27. 10.
• * 1.3

  Vt praestem Pyladen, ali∣quis mihi prae∣stet Oresten

  Hoc non fit verbis, Maree ut ameris, ama. Mart. l. 6. ep. 11.
• * 1.4

  Extra fortunam est quicquid donatur amicis Quas dederis solas semper habebis opes. Mart. l. 5. ep. 43. Et tamen hoc vitium, sed non leve, sit licet unum, Quod colit ingratas pauper amicitias. Quis largitur opes veteri, fidoque sodali. ep. 19.
• † 1.5

  Non bellè quaedam faciunt duo: sufficit unus Huic operi: si vis ut loquar ipse tace. Crede mihi quamvis ingentia Posthume dones Authoris pereunt garrulitate sui. ep. 53.