The Scots figgaries, or, A knot of knaves a comedy.

ACT. IV. (Book 4)

Enter Soonegul'd, and his Wife Layme down.

Soon.

DOwn with this Babell-builder, this Court pride, Dagon and his Idolaters shall down.

Lay.

I, down with'em husband, down with 'em, they have stood long enough; I am sure their long standing have made you come short many a time and often, but I hope now husband you'l take 'em down a Button hole lower.

Soon.

Am not I a man?

Lay.

You think so husband, I warrant.

Soon.

Why, a King's no more.

Lay.

Nay, is he that husband? troth I dare say our man William is as good a man as the best of you; for as they say, a man is a man and he has but a hose on's head.

Soor.

Well, I am resolv'd William shall forth.

Lay.

Forth, how do you meane forth? I hope you will not leave me unprovided at home; you know your own business abroad, and I am certaine he can do your business at home better than your self— oh husbund, husband here's the Scotch Doctor.

[Enter Iocky, Folly,

[Billy, Scarefoole.

Soon.

Mr Doctor, what news Mr Doctor?

Ioc.

Nen geod sir, nen geod sir, bet me frond ha had hes cass pul'd ore his lugs.

Soon.

By whom, by whom?

Fol.

Wha, wha, bet tha prod Prelates sir; Ise tolld 'um o thair kna∣very, an thay gar tack awey me brawery; bet thoough thay ha tac∣ken awey me Cot, thay sall ner ta••k awey me conscience, that's holl an sound, an ned nen o thair pachings o thair preachments.

Lay.

O wicked, wicked children of darkness!

Ioc.

Her's a frond o min sir, a mon a meight an mettell, wha ha en∣dured meny a brunt and storme, he sall stond betwixt ye in aw harme.

Soon.

I shall be glad of your acquaintance sir.

Lay.

True, truly sir, you have a face like a man, you'l do the busi∣ness I warrant, let you alone, but gently to the women sir, for we are twigs, and may be bow'd which way you list; meere tender twigs sir.

Scar.

Bred, bet sam o ye bien toough enoough.

Lay.

We are a long time indeed a bringing up, but then we are soone cast downe; women have tender hearts, and tender flesh, and tender consciences, though naughty men report that we have none; husband shall they walk into th'Parlor; I do love to enter into Dia∣logue with these Gentlemen, they talke so prettily.

Soon.

I, with all my heart.

Lay.

You will meet with sir fine Plunder 'mong the Ladies; you shall dine with us too—you may make me amends with a Court smock; I look to weare one in truth, they are so fine and so perfum'd, it passes.

Soon.

Come sir, wee'l discourse of our affaires After w'ave din'd—you'l dine with us too Gentlemen?

Ioc.

Wees tack ye ot yar word.

Exeunt.

Enter Anything, and Boyes following him.

Any.

Nay, you may do't sirs, you may do't, you have warrant for't; 'tis well enough known, the Pompe of the Prelates, the Whore of Babylon her selfe in her feathers, the Kings of the earth commit fornication with her Plu••alities of Benefices makes men but idle, saies Mr Doctor, and idleness makes you fat, and fat makes you pursy, and so by consequence short winded; It is a trick of Rome to starve our Religion; Let Iezabell be brought before the Elders, and the whore of Babyilon to the Whipping post, let her have lash upon lash; let her smock be given to the Rag-men, it may come to be Pa∣per, and her Condemnation writ in't; let the Whelpes and the Cubs be brought to the Stake, baite'um, baite'um, baite'um, I am your warrant saith Mr Doctor.

Boyes.

Master Doctor's an Ass.

Any.

Children you talk not like men, you are but midling Chri∣stians, 'tis well known to the Parish.

Boyes.

That Bedlams fit for you.

Any.

Those that will follow me, let 'um follow me,

I am now for the Truth, And the Covenant in sooth.

Exeunt.

Boyes.

Hi, hi, hi, Stow the Frier, stow the Frier.

[They sing.

Exeunt after him.

Enter Downfall and Worn-out.

Down.

You see what he has brought me to, my Crutches; I was ere held an able man you know; Had my tongue at Command, and my head too, But now they both are so enfeebled I Have scarce the use of either; if I had It were all one, the Countrey People are Bewitcht into beliefe, they have as much Reason and Law as I, and will become Their own Sollicitors, and Councell too.

I cannot last long, but expect still when My Crutches will deceive me, and I fall To th' ground for ever.

Worn.

—I am brought to nothing Aswell as you, I little thought a Scotchman Could ere have dreind my Veins, and purse so dry, I am not worth the ground I go on; so Dejected are my thoughts; my spirit lost, And all the hopes of my recovery Extinct and buried.

Down.

I should not have known you, Had you not told me who you were; you are So changed from your self. Oh those were times, Worthy to call to mind, (though to our griefe) When you and I, like Twins, deriv'd a being From one anothers sustenance, the Monopolies That you projected, and I perfected! Like two expert Limners, the one imploy'd To fashion th' face, the other to finish it.

Wor.

—I, those were times indeed, but all I got Then, has been since consumed; and I guess You are not much the better; I am weary I protest of my life, and would thank him Would do me so much good as take it from me.

Dow.

—Patience is the best remedy where no Better can be obtain'd; 'tis vaine to crave The thing we want when 'tis not to be had; Your dancing daies are done, and all the breath The Scot has left me scarce will heat my fingers.

Worn.

—And my affliction does the more increase To see my friends disabl'd, as I am, From helping one another, 'tis a griefe That's inexpressible, and not for cure.

Down.

—What Fortune sowres, content must sweeten, he Is the best man o'rcomes his misery.

Exeunt.

Enter Small faith and his wife.

Smal.

—For my part, I am but a man, and I owe but a death,

let them take it, as they say they will, give 'um good on't, let them come, let them come—where are they? stand, stand, stand.

Wife.

Husband now you talk of standing, pray let me lye down, and then let 'em do their worst, I defie 'em.

Smal.

—And so do I, wee'l to the Terret, Woman, and there we are secur'd 'gainst Devill, and Pursevant.

Wife.

—I'm weary'd off my legs with doing nothing but running up and down in e'ry Nooke and Corner like a Rat for feare of catching.

Smal.

—They are comming, they are comming; let me come in woman, let me come in.

Wife.

I would you would come in husband once, you have been out long enough to small purpose I'm sure.

Exeunt.

Enter Surehold, Resolution.

Res.

Beleeve it, their Design aimes at our ruine; And though the Cord they make be somewhat finer Than Ordinary, 'Twill choak us at the last; I hold a naked freedome better far Than an adorned Prison; golden fetters And Iron ones produce a like effect, What differs them's but curiosity.

Sure.

Into what a Lethargy has these rabble Scots Betray'd the peoples senses? tell them on't And they'l abuse you for't. Nay, though they see Distraction brought unto their very doores, They'l look on't, and not know it till they feele it, And then will tamely kiss the Rod that whipt 'em. A Nation proud and Arrogant as the Beggar, That when h'as got a Bonnet 'bove his wearing, Will scarce bow to the Giver. All the service They ever did this Nation was to help The people eat their victuals, and share their fortunes.

Res.

Th'are good for nought, but to eat, louze, and sleep, And stinck a street up. Tell you stories of Don Iohn of Austria, the Magull, great Cham, Their valour at Madril, Levant, or where

You will, and this in some blind Chimney Corner In fume and smoake, rouz'd up with lanted Ale, 'Till that their faces do resemble th' Towns They set on fire; And yet dare not encounter A Rat or Weesell.

Sure.

—Yet the world reports Them, men for siege the best, and can endure The greatest hardship.

Reso.

Very true, if they May but ly still they'l feed on one another, Rather than venture on their Enemy To get the least Provision, and indeed The worst will serve their turne, for they are men Loves any thing but beating, yet they'l take That too if need be; take'em down a little, And you may fillip dead a score of them. It is a shame the English should become Such mules to such base burdens; I'm resolv'd To turne the Chance o'th'Dy that favours them, Though to the hazard of my being.

Sure.

—'Twill Be tane a peece of service fit for Chronicle, And you shall want no furtherance.

Reso.

If I bring not The Souldier, Doctors, and their Crue of Cheaters As tamely to be hang'd as puppy Dogs, Let me recelve no credit from you after.

Exeunt.

Enter Soonegul'd and a Seminary Priest going to weigh the Covenant with the Popes Bull.

Soon.

Sir, though I hate your Bulls, and your Decoyes, And know you have two ends to all your waies; I feare you not, for Truth will shew her selfe Inspight of all the clouds you cast upon her.

Sem.

You are in th'right. Truth will appeare, and that To th'shame of your trim'd Covenant; for though She be but plaine, she is more glorious

Than all the gloss and Colours that sets forth That new devise, Created to deceive Poore simple people, and at last your selves.

Soon.

These are but bandying, Ile pursue my wager.

Sem.

Ile venture ten pound more y'are lost in weight.

Soon.

You'l lose your selfe sir with your confidence.

Sem.

Bar treachery and I care not.

Exeunt.

Enter Trapheire, Witwud, and Townshift.

Wit.

I cannot endure this fighting Coz, a Dad.

Tra.

Pox take your Dad; is that an Oath for a Gentleman? A Lad at ten sweares more profoundly; you'l Be quarrelling, and then you dare not fight; As though I were a wall of Steele or Brass, To stand betwixt you, and receive the Darts Cast at you; Sir, why did your Cowship send An Answer to your Challenge, if you found Your bloud so Coole and Phlegmatick?

Wit.

'Twas your doing,—I had not had the heart else.

[aside.

Town.

For preservation of your honour sir Could you do less than Answer him?

Wit.

What was he That brought the Challenge?

Town.

Pinckcarcase by name.

Wit.

A devillish name, and full of devillish ends; This fighting is not lawfull; prethee Coz Take up the matter, I have little maw to't.

Town.

What, now the Hostage Reputation Is past, will you Recant, Reneage, Revoke, Recoyle, Revert? stand to your Principles.

Wit.

I shall not stand an inch of ground beleeve me.

Tra.

'Tis pitty th'art worth any; let me see, How shall we do't with Honour?

Wit.

'Tis no matter For that thing Honour; let her walk alone, I don't desire her Company on such tearmes, Sweet Coz, sweet Coz.

Tra.

Let me see—I'm resolv'd That you shall fight him.

Wit.

Coz, I had forgot I sweare, a strange infirmity, that is I zound when as I heare a Gun shot off▪ And tremble at a Pistols, all my senses Become as uselesse.

Town.

Why, 'twas your own motion.

Wit.

No matter, 'tis but so much charges lost, I will not fight with Bullets, I've more conscience.

Tra.

Why, then you must prepare a Case of Rapiers, For Townshift and my selfe, ours are grown dull With often usage.

Wit.

Oh, the better Coz! They'l do less mischiefe.

Tra.

Then your fencing Master Must make you at your Chamber fit for th' field.

Wit.

That's past his skill I'm sure; more charges Coz.

Tra.

It cannot be avoided, if you mean To fight on foot, and put off your Horse combate.

Wit.

In my mind 'tis horse-play to fight on foot; But hark you Coz, don't you make winking at That Weapon ye call sharp, I'm not so set.

Tra.

Fye, winking, No, how will you see to hit him;

Wit.

No matter so he hit not me; but mayn't I Bar Points being the Challenged?

Tra.

That's base, and Player-like.

Wit.

I'de rather play so, than worke otherwise.

Town.

Come, come, resolve, you know the time draws neere.

Wit.

I would it did not, I love not to think on't; Can we throw nothing in Times-way to make Him stumble, and stop a little.

Tra.

Resolve upon your weapon ere he be Furnish'd with horse and Pistols.

Town.

Ile lay my life he's that already, then 'Twill be unworthy in you to—

Wit.

Good sir, talk not to me of Worthies, my Father was none of the Nine; he ne'r kept Company with your Huffs, nor Puffs; be

could drinke in a Taverne and ne're quarrell about the Reckoning; he liv'd without knocks, and dy'd in the love of his Parish.

Tra.

But he has left a quarrelsome son behind Must pay for all.

Wit.

I sha'n't stand much upon That point, so I may be discharg'd from beatings; Methinks a skin set out with Eylet holes Appeares not handsome, nor a face to be Painted with black and blew, I hate those colours.

Town.

What will you give him shall take up the business without loss to your honour?

Wit.

A man cannot lose That which he never had; My Father was A man of Bags, and might have been a Knight When Knighthoods went a begging.

Town.

But to the matter, What say you to my proposition?

Wit.

Troth, It sounds well, let me see now what in Conscience You will demand?

Town.

But twenty peeces.

Wit.

So; To save a man from beating, very good I How many such d'ye meet with in the yeare?

Town.

Hundreds, hundreds sir.

Tra.

Men must live Coz, men must live.

Wit.

Any where but on me (good Coz;) but sir, Before my Coz here, Ile give you ten.

Tra.

Ten is too little in all conscience Coz.

Town.

Consider sir the danger.

Wit.

And the Charge Already I've been for horse and Pistols; But those I hope you will return me, when The peace is made.

Tra.

Not one, expect not one, Th'are forfeit Goods to us Lords of the Soile.

Town.

'Tis true, y'ave been at charges, and for that Reason Ile undertake it at your rate;

Forbib, but I should beare a Conscience too. Meet us at th' Mairmaid.

Tra.

At the houre of twelve.

Town.

The precise time.

Tra.

Cozen, he will deserve it.

Wit.

Would I had his Art To live by when I and my fortunes part.

Exeunt.

Enter Wantwit, Drawforth, Pinckcarcase.

Pinc.

He is the Challenged, and justly may Designe the way of fighting, and the Place; But though you have provided us with Horses, Swords, Pistols, and so forth, yet there's a thing Cal'd money, we do want, put case he should Fall by your hand, in what a case were we?

Drawf.

Suppose that you should fail; —I, there's the Danger.

Drawf.

We must fly for't, and that we cannot do Conveniently, without a sum, the Oratory Of Silver makes our passage free and safe, The want of it detaines us; open, open Your close-mouth'd bags, and let them speake to us.

Want.

Troth Gentlemen, Ile tell you, and I lie not, Th'ave got a hoarsenesse since they came to Town, And speak so low, a man can hardly heare 'em.

Pinc.

One Mortgage sir will raise their voice againe.

Want.

Well, well, he might have ta'ne another way To worke; had I been he, and he been me, I would have askt him Mercy.

Drawf.

But you see He is a man of spirit, spirit, sir!

Want.

I would he had no more then I, a gnat Is better furnisht; I have heard my Mother Protest, and solemnly, I had a heart No bigger than a hazell Nut.

Pinc.

—Why, saw she't?

Want.

No, but she felt it; 'tis an imperfection

In Nature I can't help, and 'tis as cold I warrant as a Cucumber.

Drawf.

And riseth So little in your stomack!

Want.

Troth, as little As may be sir; how shall I heat it Gentlemen?

Drawf.

Drink wine and Drab.

Want.

Why, so I do you know; Yet when the flame of drinking's o'r, I fall Into the Noose of Taverns, like a Pigeon.

Pinc.

Only then y'ad best fight when y'are drunke.

Want.

And so. Be hang'd when I am sober; no, I beare Too great a Conscience.

Drawf.

If it be a burthen Too hard to beare, wee'l teach you how to throw It off, and live as we do without any.

Want.

Take up this quarrell Gentlemen, and have My heart for ever.

Pinc.

What to do, to throw The hounds ye starve? yet that so little, 'twill Not be a mouthfull; 'tis your money we Value the most, let your heart go as't came.

Want.

Why, I shall mortgage next weeke.

Pinc.

Are you serious? May we give credit to you?

Want.

I've occasion.

Drawf.

Thou shalt have more rather than want; my Buliy, We are thy Guardians, who assaults our ward Suffers, unlesse he be on a sure Guard.

Exeunt.