The woman-captain a comedy acted by His Royal Highnesses servants / written by Tho. Shadwell.

ACT. IV.

Enter Sir Nicholas Peakgoose Drunk at play, with Blunderbus and Heildebrand.

Sir Nich.

PRay Gentlemen, let me give over play. You have got∣ten my Gold Watch, and Diamond Ring, and 20 l. up∣on Tick.

Blund.

Nay, 'gad you shall play t'other 20 l.

Sir Nich.

Lord! what would you have of a man? I cann't abide play: I hate it mortally, so I do.

Heild.

What a Pox! you don't take us for Cheats, do you?

Sir Nich.

Who I? Not I Gentlemen, for the world! yet I doubt they are little better!

[Aside.

Blund.

Dam'me! 'Tis not your best course.

Heild.

You shall find us Gentlemen: That scorn to do or suffer an ill Thing. Therefore play on.

Sir Nich.

Heav'n deliver me from these dreadful Bullies: They will get all my Money, or quarrel with me.

Blund.

What a Devil do you mean? will you play, or no?

Sir Nich.

Pray Gentlemen don't be angry, I will then double, or quit. I'll set you the 20 l. because I will make an end, Mr. Heildebrand; but I vow and swear, I'll play no more after that.

Heild.

Are you sure the Doctors are in, Blunderbus?

Blund.

Yes, I am sure! at it Man!

Heild.

Come then! here'sat it, •…•…7.

Sir Nich.

12! 'tis out! quit.

Heild.

I Nickt you! ask Blunderbus.

Sir Nich.

Nay, then I'll never play more▪ 12▪ Nick 7. Do what you will with me, I'll not throw a Die more. What a Pox▪ Do you think I am a Fool?

Blund.

If you do this Heildebrand, you will lose him for ever; a Plague of ill luck—

Heild.

Was it 12?

Sir Nich.

Ay marry was it! ask Mr. Blunderbus else.

Blund.

Yes it was: Sir Nicholas is in the right, look you ther•…•… now.

Sir Nich.

Look you there now.

Heild.

No more to be said.

Sir Nich.

Well, Good morrow, Gentleme•…•…, your humble Servant. Now we are quit I'll play no more really.

[Running off is stopt.

Blund.

Nay, you shall not go▪ the Devil take me if you don't play one 20 l. more.

Heild.

Never speak on't, you shall play for one 20 l. more, if you were my Father. Zounds! you don't take us for Snaps, do you?

Sir Nich.

I will not play, I will not! I will not! what will you do with me? Help, help.

[They hale him, •…•…e struggles.

Enter Mrs. Gripe and Serjeant.

Heild.

Run Blunderbus, we shall lose our Bubble.

[Sir Nich. runs o•…•…t they after him.

Mrs. Gripe.

I see already that this is a fine civil well-govern'd Fa∣mily. You must guard me.

Serj.

I warrant you, Captain. Where are the Serv•…•…ts? they have been all drunk, and roaring all night, and I believe are all asleep.

Enter Steward.

Oh! here's one.

Mrs. Gripe.

I must needs speak with Sir H•…•… Sc•…•…ttergood. Pray let him know I wait for him. My Business is earnest.

Stew.

I shall Sir—

[Exit Steward.

Mrs. Gripe.

You are sure my Husband is here?

Serj.

Yes, one of the Wat•…•…h told me, That when they were beaten Sir Humphrey took him Prisoner.

Enter Sir Humphrey.

This is Sir Humphrey.

Mrs. Gripe▪

Sir, your most humbl•…•… S•…•…rvant. I hope you will ex∣cuse this Disturbanc•…•…, when you s•…•…all know my Busmess.

Sir Humph.

A Gentleman's Commands can never disturb me.

Mrs. Gripe.

Sir, I am Brother to the unfortunate Mrs. Gripe, the Wife of a wretche•…•… Usure•…•…; who, I am inform'd is in your House.

Sir Humph.

He is Sir, but I should have taken you for her, Her self in man's habit.

Serj.

A Woman! He has been my Captain abroad these four years; if you had seen what brave Actions he has perform'd in the midst of fire and smoak, you would not have taken him for a Woman.

Mrs. Gripe.

I should not wonder much at your mistake; for just before I went out of England, she was dress▪d in man's habit; and we were so like, we could not be known asunder.

Sir Humph.

Indeed I have heard there was a s•…•…range likeness betwixt you; the very Look and Voice! hah!

Mrs. Gripe.

But Sir, if I be inform'd right, you cannot mistake; for she is in your House.

Sir Humph.

She is not, upon my Honour. This is most amazing. I •…•…ever saw such likeness—They speak so like too—

Mrs. Gripe.

If he be here, I beg you will deliver him over to me to used as he deserves; for the Barbarity he has practis'd on my Sister.

Sir Humph.

With all my heart Sir! use him at your discretion. My house is free for you, and do you hear, Steward, Bid all my Servants be at the Captain's Command—I should almost have sworn it had been s•…•…e.

Mrs. Gripe.

I give you many thanks for this favour, and should be glad to serve you with my Sword.

Sir Humph.

You honour me, Sir▪ Fetch down Gripe and his Man: Sir, I will go in and dress me, and then wait on you; and I beg you will make use of my house, and accept of what ever it affords for your Entertainment.

[Ex. Sir Humph.

Mrs. Gripe.

You are very generous a•…•…d obliging. So, thus far I have ac•…•…ed •…•… 〈◊〉〈◊〉 well 〈◊〉〈◊〉▪

Enter O▪ Gripe and Richard.

S•…•…rj▪

Oh, here are the R•…•…scals, Captain.

Mrs. Gripe.

Which is Gripe?

S•…•…rj.

That old Fellow!

Gripe.

Look Ri•…•…hard, was ever any one so like my 〈◊〉〈◊〉 Wife? Oh Lord, it is her Brother sure, by the description I have •…•…eard.

Mrs. Gripe.

Is your name Gripe?

Gripe.

Her very Voice too, Richard.

Mrs. Gripe.

Speak, you Rascal, are you that damn'd fellow Gripe, that Married my Sister—my name is Bevil.

Gripe.

I did M•…•…rry one Bevil, and if I did not see you in this Accou∣trement, I should take you for her.

Mrs. Gripe.

Her! had you done me one such Injury as she has suf∣fer▪d Thousands from you, I would have cut your Throat long since: But you know, old villainous Murderer, I am not she: I have been at her house, she's missing, and I doubt not but you have kill'd her; for she is no where to be found, and I am resolv'd to have your Blood for't.

Gripe.

Ha! hum—It must be he! I murder her! Heav▪n fo•…•…bid! she is run away from me, and I believe she is in the house playing the Whore here with Sir Humphrey.

Mrs. Gripe.

Villain! Thou ly'st—

[She strikes him.

I know her vertue; all thy damn'd Generation put together, have not half her Honesty.

Gripe.

What will become of me! I tremble all over. ▪Tis he, I heard his Drums beat up yesterday.

Mrs. Gripe.

I see your Conscience strikes you! had she not been murder'd, she would have come to some of her Relations. Prepare, old Viper▪ and pray; for thou hast not a quarter of an hour to live▪ upon my Honour.

Rich.

Good Sir—Let me go! if she be kill'd, Heav'n knows I had no hand in her Murder.

Mrs. Gripe.

Sirrah▪ stay, or I'll knock your Brains out.

Rich.

I see it is her Brother; she had a great respect for me, and would not have used me so. ▪Tis he by his hard blows.

Mrs. Gripe.

Kneel and Pray, or by Heav'n I'll kill you before you prepare—

Gripe.

I cannot Pray, I cannot prepare—what have I done?

Mrs. Gripe.

I have lost a Sister▪ and if she be not murder'd, she has been so abusd by you, that nothing but your life shall satisfie, and I shall do my Countrey good Service in ridding it of such a Monster.

Rich.

Take your course—if he were dead, I sho•…•…ld eat •…•…gain.

Mrs. Gripe.

I'll stay no longer—have at you—

[O•…•…ers at him.

Gripe.

Hold, hold! sweet Sir! good Brother Captain! d•…•… but ad∣journ the Execution till I go home and settle my affairs, and I'll wait on you again.

Mrs. Gripe.

No Villain, thou shalt die now, at ye—

Gripe.

O Heav'n▪ I cannot endure it. I cannot pray, do not mur∣der my Soul. I confess I have been a great Sinner: I have wrong'd many young Orphans, and Comfortless Widows—

Rich.

And starved your Servants—

Gripe.

Besides, upon the words of a dying man, your Sister run away from me. I lockt her up indeed to save the Honour of your Fa∣mily; for she is a most salacious Woman—

Mrs. Gripe.

He angers me to the quick with that—Thou ly'•…•…t old Dotard, Thou dy'st for that—

Gripe.

Oh hold! hold! Let me but live to repent awhile; I do con∣fess I have wrong'd her—

Serj.

Hold Sir! Spare his life—

Gripe.

Thank you, good Sir—

Mrs. Gripe.

Dissuade me not!

Grip•…•….

Hold! hold! here's my Man can tell you she ran away from me.

Rich.

Indeed Captain she did go away, as she had reason; and I help'd her to escape.

Mrs. Gripe.

Are you such a Rascal to lye for him? No, he dies.

Serj.

Hear me, good Captain, your Recruits are not yet full: He seems to be a lusty old Fellow, and can carry Arms yet.

Mrs. Gripe.

Say you so?

Gripe.

What a Devil does he say, Arms? that's as bad!

Mrs. Gripe.

If you think so—take him to your Custody. When he is in Flanders, if I hear not of my Sister in a reasonable time I'll kill him. In the mean while I'll put him into the Van on all occa∣•…•…ions—

Gripe.

Sir, Sir! why Captain, Noble Captain, I am a most hideous Coward, I shall run away, and spoil all your Men.

Mrs. Gripe.

If you do, I will hang you. No resisting, here take a Shilling.

Grip•…•….

I must confess I have a great respect for a Shilling, and ne∣ver could refuse one in my life▪

Mrs. Gripe.

Enroll his name, and put his Coat on.

Gripe.

Now I hope you'l let me go upon Parol to furnish my self with Necessaries—

Serj.

No: We'll furnish you with them—

Mrs. Gripe.

Now Sirrah, you are listed; if you run from your Co∣lours, I can hang you by Law—

Gripe.

Heav'n! what am I condemned to?

Serj.

Here put on your Coat.

Mrs. Gripe.

Kill him if he resist—

Gripe.

There is Law, and I have Friends—

Mrs Gripe.

You lye Sirrah, you have no Friends; and for Law, I'll make you know that Inter arma silent Leges. Put his Man a Coat on, and List him. There's a Shilling—

Rich.

What shall I do—I am a vile Coward! I am as much afraid of Guns, as Indians or Wild-Beasts are—

Serj.

Come sirrah, put it on—What's your Name?

Rich.

My Name is Richard •…•…rubb—

Mrs. Gripe.

Carry them into the Court, and teach 'em the use of their Arms: But d'ye hear Serjeant, be not 〈◊〉〈◊〉 of my whistle—

Serj.

Come! Hon•…•…st Comrade Gripe, give me thy hand.

Gripe.

Pox on your Comradeship; I desire no such base Company: Did ever I think to be Comrade to such a fellow?

Rich.

Now must I learn to lye rough, filch Linnen, steal Poultry, lye with a Sutler's Wife, and be Lousie. Now Master give me your hand, we are Comrades too—

Gripe.

Rogue! I shall live to remember you. What shall I do? All my Writings will be embezz'•…•…ed, I shall be utterly ruin'd, my Mort∣gages lost, my Money conceal'd—

Rich.

Fear not, Sir, you'll live better with 8 d. a day, than ever you did. I make no doubt but you will save Money at the years end to put out to use—For my part, I am glad that I shall wear Cloaths, and eat.

[Exit Mrs. Gripe.

Gripe.

Now 〈◊〉〈◊〉, your Captain is gone in; honest Comrade, 'tis in your power to oblige your self and me very much: I▪ll▪give you Ten Shillings, and your own agen, if you will let me escape.

Serj.

How the Rogue values his Liberty.

[A•…•…ide.

No, good Sir, get you out. I'll borrow two of Sir Humphrey's Mus∣quets, and Exercise you—

Gripe.

I'll give, a 11.

Serj.

No,—go out, I say.

Gripe.

Good Comrade—I'll give you 12.

Serj.

Get you out—

Gripe.

Hold—13.

Serj.

No—I'll not be cashier'd for you—

Gripe.

Cashier me; I'll give 14.

Serj.

No—I tell you—

Gripe.

15.

Serj.

No.

Gripe.

16.

Serj.

Out I s•…•…y—

Gripe.

17.

Serj.

Out, or I▪ll send you out.

Gripe.

18.

Serj.

Go.

Gripe.

19.

Serj.

I'll knock you down.

Gripe.

20. Have you no mercy in you?

Serj.

The Rogue bids for his Liberty, as if it were a stock at 12 d. Gleek.

[Exeunt.

Enter Sir Humphrey, Mrs. Gripe, Bellamy, •…•…nd Wildman.

Bell.

Was there ever such likeness between two, as betwixt this Captain and his Sister▪

Wild.

It is Prodigious—I never heard her speak but once, and me∣thinks their Voices have some likeness.

Bell.

They have so—This is a very Effeminate man to look at, yet they report him to be a brave Fellow.

Mrs. Gripe.

You oblige me beyond return.

Sir Humph.

I have often heard of your worth, and think my self happy in this opportunit•…•… of knowing you—My house is a house of freedom, Command it. If you have a mind to a fresh hansom Wench, as that's no g•…•…eat question to a young Officer, you shall have her—

Enter Phillis▪ Celia, and Chlo•…•…▪

Mrs. Gripe.

To us that have been in the Camp, That's no ill Pro∣po•…•…al; and faith Gentlemen, you shall find me a Man at Arms in all points—

Sir Humph.

In the mean time here is my Mistress, I bar her—But the other two, if you can win 'em, do—

Mrs. Gripe.

And faith I ll try 'em. I am resolved to carry on this frolick as far as 'twill go.

[Aside.

Sir Humph.

This is the Captain that's so like his Sister

[They salut•…•….

Phill.

Ther•…•… is a strange resemblan•…•… betwixt 'em—

Chlo.

I never saw one so like another days o' my breath.

Celia.

He is a mighty pretty Man.

Chlo.

A fine Gentleman as e're I saw—

Celia.

He is a very sweet Person indeed.

•…•…ell.

Ha! I'like not th•…•…se proceedings. This Beardless Officer will be too hard for us.

Wild.

Oh these Wenches love a fellow with a Scarf, or an Ar•…•…e Belt mightily.

Phill.

My Dear, I have a Lawyer and Writings ready for that Set∣tlement thou wert pleas'd to promis•…•… me, if thou wilt dispatch it now, •…•…ot that I desire it; but in case of Mortality: for while thou livest I desire nothing but thee, and when thou art dead twill do, me little good—for I shall scarce out-live thee. So I am very indiffèrent, do▪ what thou wilt.

Sir Humph.

No—come my Dear, I'll dispatch it now. Sir your par∣don for a moment.

[Exit Sir H•…•…mph. and Phillis.

Bell.

Prithee▪ let's withdraw and observe 'em a little.

Wild.

Sir, He'll wait on you suddenly, in the mean time we leave the Ladies with you—

[Ex.

Mr•…•…. Gripe.

Your Servant: These I humbly conceive are Whores, or they wou'd not be here; how the Devil shall I talk to 'em both?

Chlo.

Well—he's the prettiest Man that e're was b•…•…rn—

Celia.

You cannot have been long a Souldier, you are so young and smooth-fac'd—

Mrs. Gripe.

I have no youth,—but what's at the Ladie's Service—

Chlo.

Pray what manner of Ladies have you beyond Sea?

Mrs. Gripe.

Not half so pretty as the E•…•…glish Ladies.

Chlo.

How do they make love there?

Mrs. Gripe.

Faith Madam thus—we fall o' board as fast as we can, thus, and thus—

[Kisses 'em.]

and thus and thus—

Celia.

Hold, hold Sir, you are very brisk.

Chlo.

Well—he is a pretty good natur'd thing, I warrant him—

Celia.

Have you been in many Battels? I see you are a valiant Man.

Mrs. Grip•…•….

Ye•…•…, many—I have been used to Fire, Smoak, and Cannon; Yells of Matrons, and groans of dying men, and cannot Boggle at a Lady; as for example—

[Kisses 'em again.

Chlo.

He is a gallant Officer, no doubt—

Celi•…•….

You are a rare man▪ you think to storm a Lady, and carry her by Fire and Sword.

Mrs. Gripe to Celia.

My time is but •…•…ort, and I wish I were rid of her, that I might tell you how much I am taken with you; and if you would not believe my words, to show it by my actions—

Celia.

You flatter me. I am infinitely pleas'd with this Captain.

Chlo.

Captain, one word with you—

Mrs. Gripe.

Dear pretty Creature—how you transport me;

if yon Lady 〈◊〉〈◊〉 absent. I have such a passion to disclose to you.

Chlo.

A most admirable man—Sir, I should be loath to be esteem'd ungrateful.

Wild.

What a condition we are in! S'heart—They'l ravish him.

Bell.

These Wenches are stark mad after smooth-faced fighting fellows, let 'em be never such Puppies.

Mrs. Gripe.

Dear pretty Rogue, y'are the sweetest Creature I ever saw, and she is disagreeable—oh that I had thee alone.

Celia.

You Compliment me, he's a fine bred man; what a mein he has?

Chlo.

By your leave. Sweet Captain, I believe you met with little resistance from the Ladies in Flanders.

Mrs. Gripe.

I should be overjoy'd to meet none from thee, My dear pretty one, would yon Creature were away. I do not like her at all—I have that to tell you—

Chlo.

Are we not uncivil, both us to leave Madam Phillis—〈◊〉〈◊〉 you will go to her, I'll come presently.

Celia.

I am not to be taught Civility from you, good Madam, go you—

Chlo.

Nor am I to be taught by you, and you go to th•…•…t.

Bell.

Very fine, they'l fight for him by and by.

Celia.

But Captain.

Chlo.

I'll tell you Captain.

Celia.

'Ti•…•… not good breeding, Madam, to interrupt one in speaking.

Chlo.

Tell me of breeding. There has been some difference in our breeding.

Celia.

That there has to my advantage: 'Slife your breeding.

Wild.

We are like to have very constant Mistresses, if we get 'em.

Mrs. Gripe.

So—I am a very pretty fellow: I have got the hearts of both of 'em, and now I am afraid I shall find it hard to get rid of 'em.

Celia.

I wonder at your Impertinence.

Chlo.

My Impertinence: You are a confident Creature.

Celia.

Thou art below my anger.

Chlo.

Am I so? well—I know what you are▪

Celia.

Why! what am I Mrs. Minx?

Mrs. Gripe.

N•…•…y, good Ladies hold. Let this go no farther; for as I am an Officer, I am bound to secure you, faith—

Chlo.

At your Command, good Captain—I shall desist—

Celia.

If it were not for your presence, sweet Captain, I should say more—

Bell.

'Tis time to appear. This young

[Bell. and Wild. appear.

fellow will have 'em both else.

Wild.

What at Wars, Lady? You are a happy Man, C•…•…ptain.

Bell.

And a brisk one at Women, I see that.

Mrs. Gripe.

So, so: We •…•…hat come from the Camp are pretty well set, and are seldom over-bashful—

Bell.

I see, Madam, you can be gracious to the Captain, though you are cruel to me.

Celia.

What because I shew a little outward Civility. Though re∣ally, he is the prettiest Gentleman I ever saw. But Captain, as we were saying—

Bell.

Very fine.

Wild.

I see you are most infinitely taken with the Captain: But I cannot get a good look of you—

Chlo.

Lord! that you should say so: Would not you have one well∣bred to a stranger? But Captain, you were saying something to me even now—

Bell.

This is excellent—I see we must rout the Captain, or lose the Wenches.

Wild.

Pox on all these whiffling young Officers! all the Whor•…•… run mad after 'em; and a good •…•…ubstantial solid Whoremaster cannot keep one in quiet for 'em▪

Enter Sir Humphrey.

Sir Humph.

Captain, your humble Servant—There's a Collation, and some Bottles w•…•…iting for you, and my Friends, and I beg your Company—

Mrs. Gripe.

I will but see how my two new Souldiers are dispos'd of, and I'll wait on you. Do not stay for me, I beseech you—

Sir Humph.

Ladies! do you retire; there will be Drinking.

Chlo.

Your Servant, sweet Captain.

Celia.

Your humble Servant, good Captain—

[Ex. all but Mrs. Gripe.

Mrs. Gripe.

What shall I do amongst 'em; I cannot drink: yet I have a great Curiosity to see what it is that charm•…•… men to s•…•…t up whole Nights at eating Houses and Taverns.

Enter Phillis with a Note.

Phill.

Sweet Captain, I have no time to stay, nor dare I be seen

alone with you; but That will tell you something, which I might blush to speak—Farewell—

[Ex. Phillis.

Mrs. Gripe.

Most excellent Women! what's this, another Con∣quest? hah—

[Reads.

Th•…•…t I was extreamly surpriz'd at the sight of you, This Paper will sufficiently prove; for could I have resisted your Charms, you had never seen it: But now I am afraid you have the pow'r to make me entirely Yours, Phillis.

What a F•…•…rce will this be when I am discov•…•…r'd? Poor Wenches, how miserably I shall disappoint 'em—

[Exit.

Enter Sir Humphrey, Bellamy, Wildman, Sir Christopher, Blunderbus, and Heildebrand. A Banquet. Table and Wine.

Sir Humph.

Come on, Sir Christopher! are you ready for a Bottle?

Sir Chr.

Ready! I warrant you! I have lain rough and recruited. I need less baiting for the Journey than a Carrier's Horse. Give me a Glass in my right hand.

Sir Humph.

Sit all—

[All sit down.

Sir Chr.

Come faith, let's be all very merry, and roar extremely.

Enter Mrs. Gripe, and Se•…•…geant.

Sir Humph.

Take your course; Captain, your most humble Ser∣vant. Sir Christopher, this is the Captain you heard of.

Sir Chr.

I honour him, and here's his Health in a Bumper—

Mrs. Gripe.

Sir Humphrey, I must desire my Liberty. Wine doe•…•… not agree with me, I never drink hard.

Sir Humph.

Every Gentleman is free in my Hous•…•….

Sir Chr.

Hey! we shall have fine work inde•…•…d. What a Devil, a Captain, and cannot Drink? Can you Whore?

Mrs. Gripe.

So, so—well enough for a young Beginner.

Sir Chr.

No•…•… Drink! 'Sheart! a man is not fit for a Captain that cannot Drink. Shall I ask you a question?

Mrs. Grip•…•….

Yes.

Sir Chr.

Can you Fight?

Sir Humph.

Hold, good Sir Christopher, no Bullying here—

Mrs. Gripe.

You had best try, if you dare: Death! what a que∣stion was that! What Scou•…•…drel art thou that askest such a question? This Company preserves thy life.

Sir Chr.

I have done, I have do•…•…: 〈◊〉〈◊〉, H•…•…! he's damn'd stout, I believe.

Mrs. Gripe.

I could tell Thee Actions I have been in, would freeze thy blood to hear of! Fight—quoth a! Can'st thou fight up to the knees in blood? and at Midnight with no light •…•…ut what Guns make, with Shot like hail about thy ears, clamber over mountains of dead Bodies, and fight thy way to a General's Tent, and bring the General Prisoner through all his Mir•…•…idons? hah—

Sir Chr.

Sir, I beg your Pardon, I believe it. He's a plaguy stout fellow.

Mrs. Gripe.

'Tis not your best way to question it. Can you lead your Souldiers up to a wall, and scale it, when Bullets, melted Pitch and Sulphur rain upon you? Fight! the man ne'r lived that ask'd me yet that question!

Sir Chr.

'Sheart, hee'l cut my Throat—Sir, I beg your Pardon, I say—

Sir Humph.

Come Captain, 'Tis enough: fall on upon this Colla∣tion, and we'll have a Ch•…•…son à boirè to compose the matter.

Mrs. Gripe.

With all my heart.

Sir Humph.

Some Musick! Sing me a Song—

A Drinking SONG.

LEt the daring Adven•…•…rers be toss'd on the Main, And for Riches no dangers decline; Though with hazard the spoils of both Indies they gain, They 〈◊〉〈◊〉 bring us no Treasure like Wine.

Enough of such Wealth would a Beggar enrich, And supply greater wants in a King; 'Twould sooth all the Griefs in a comfortless Wretc•…•…, And inspire we•…•…ping Captives to Sing.

There is none that groans under a burdensom life, If this soveraign Balsom he gains▪ This will make a man bear all the Plag•…•…s of a Wife, And of Raggs, and Diseases in Chains.

It swells all our Veins with a kind purple flood, And puts Love and great Thoughts in the mind: There's no Peasant so rank, but it fills with good blood, And to gallantry makes hi•…•… inclin'd.

There's nothing our Hearts with such Joy can bewitch, For on Earth 'tis a Pow'r that▪s Divine; Without it, we're wretched tho' never so Rich, Nor is any man Poor tha•…•… has Wine.

Sir Chr.

Pox! This is a pretty Musical business; but this will not make a man merry—I'll sing you a Song: Fill the Glasses first. Come on. When I sing Down, down, Then you must all drink—

SONG.

I Love some body, I love no body, Some body, no body dearly: I love some body, &c. Be she black, or be she brown, She's the best in all the Town, So she keep her Belly down. Down, down, down down: There's no fault to be found, So she keep her Belly down.

Hah! I think this is well, hah!

Mrs. Gripe.

A very merry fellow—Give me thy hand.

Sir Chr.

I am your most humble Servant to comman•…•…—I love a brave fellow with my heart.

Mrs. Gripe.

Come on, I have provided some Entertainment in∣stead of a Dance—you shall see my two new Souldiers Exercis'd—fetch'em in Serjeant—

[Exit Serj.

Sir Humph.

You have found out an admirable way to plague an old cowardly Usurer, to make a Souldier of him—

Mrs. Gripe.

I warrant I shall plague him e're I have done with him.

Wild.

This is an excellent Trick found out for 'em.

Enter Serjeant with Gripe and Richard.

G•…•…ipe.

Well, There's Law, Sir—yet—I say.

Mrs. Gripe.

'Sheart, does he talk of Law agen? Knock him o'th'head.

Gripe.

Hold, hold, I say no more—

Mrs. Gripe.

Next Tide he takes Boat, and away for Flanders.

Sir Chr.

Oh! honest Gripe! Art thou turn'd Souldier? Thou art a good hopeful Musketeer of thy age.

Blund.

A very pretty old Fellow, and stands lustily under a Musket.

Heild.

A brave old Souldier, i'faith! Can'st thou stare a Cann•…•…n in the face?

Gripe.

What's that to you, you Coxcombs—Well, I shall out-live this, Rogues; and all this may turn to my profit in the end.

Mrs. Gripe.

Order your Arms—

[They Poise their Muskets.

Did you ever see such dull Rascals? order your arms thus, set 'em down—Take that to make you remember another time

[She canes 'em.

Gripe.

I must suff•…•…r! there's no re•…•…edy.

Mrs. Gripe.

Poise your Muskets.

Rich.

What a Devil must we do now?

Mrs. Gripe.

Poise your Muskets thus, you Rascals—Pox on you for dull Rogues.

[Strikes 'em agen.

Gripe.

Well, so we do: What a Devil wou'd you have?

Mrs. Gripe.

What with both hands?

Serj.

In one hand, thus.

Ric•…•….

Well, thus then?

Mrs. Gripe.

Shoulder.

[They put'em on t•…•…e wrong shoulder.

S•…•…rj.

That's the wrong shoulder—

Mrs. Gripe.

On the other shoulder! ye Blockheads, you have less sence than Statues—

Gripe.

Ay—I am so dull, you had better let me go—

Mrs. Gripe.

I'll make you do it—Shoulder, I say. March.

Gripe.

I thank you Sir,—with all my heart—that—we will march—

They lay their Muskets down, and offer to go out.

Rich.

We'll march well enough, I warrant you.

Mrs. Gripe.

Is that your marching? Take up your Arms, Rogues, I'll run you through else—take 'em up I say—

[She canes 'em.

Gripe.

Well—well—what a Devil would you have? Did you not bid us march?

Mrs. Gripe.

I'll make you march against the mouth of a Cannon, before I have done.

Gripe.

O damn'd T•…•…rant, I must try to compound with him.

Sir Humph.

This is admirable Discipline indeed, Captain.

Enter Steward.

Stew.

Sir Christopher, Mr. Bl•…•…nderbus and Heildebrand, take car•…•…, and shift for your selves. There are Threescore Bailiffs waiting for you in the Street, and they have beset the House round, that there is no possi∣bility of escaping—

Sir Chr.

O Heav'n! what shall I do? if I be once carried to Goal, I shall lye and rot there. Hold, let me see—

Blund.

We shall starve if we go to Prison—

Heild.

Let us think of some way, They are too many for us to beat.

Sir Chr.

Captain, if you would but do us the favour to send for three Red Coats, and own us to be your Souldiers, we may escape.

Blund.

A rare way.

Heild.

An excellent way; good Captain favour us.

Mrs. Gripe.

My Footmen have a Bundle of red Coats here; but I cannot in Honour pass you for my Souldiers, unless you be so—if you will take each a Shilling of me and be listed, you may▪ otherwise I can do you no good.

Sir Chr.

With all our hearts.

Blund.

With all our hearts.

Heild.

With all our hearts.

Mrs. Gripe.

There's 12 d. a peice, Serje•…•…nt take their Names—I shall order them too—I'll teach 'em to roar and bully up and down the Town. Get their Coats and Bandeleers on.

Rich.

Come on Comrades, fellow Souldiers, give me your hands all—The more the merrier▪

Sir Chr.

How now saucy Rogue—Do you long very much for a broken—head—

Sir Humph.

You may command all my House, and I beg of you to make it your own while you stay in England.

Mrs. Gripe.

I give you humble thanks.

Sir Chr.

So—how do these Accoutrements become us?

Bell.

Oh rarely—you are the feirce•…•…t Souldiers I have seen▪

Sir Chr.

Now, noble Captain, we'll march under your Command.

Gripe.

A Souldier must I be? Here's company for the Devil.

Mrs. Gripe.

Come! we'll go into the Court-yard▪ There I'll exercise ye, and send for the Head-Bailiff, and let him know ye are my Souldiers.

Sir Chr.

Very well, I vow, that will do rarely—

Sir Humph.

Come Gentlemen, in the mean time, we'll to the Wo∣men; your Servant, Captain.

Mrs. Gripe.

Your Servant▪ Was ever design so well begun, and so hopefully carried on? They all take me for my Twin▪Brother.

Serj.

I that know you both, don't wonder at it.

Mrs. Gripe.

Come Souldiers March—March, I say—

[Ex. Omnes.

The End of the Fourth Act.