The virtuoso A comedy, acted at the Duke's Theatre. Written by Thomas Shadwell. Licensed May 31. 1676. Roger L'Estrange.

ACT. III. (Book 3)

Ent•…•…r Longvil and Miranda.

Longv.

DEar Madam! tender the life and welfare of a poor humble Lover.

Mir.

What a fashionable Gentleman of this Ag•…•…, and a Lover! it is impos•…•…ible! They are all Keepers, and 〈◊〉〈◊〉 tawdry things from the Ex•…•…hange or the Play-•…•…ouse, and make the poor Creatures run mad with the ex•…•…remity of the alt•…•…rati∣on; as a young Heir, being kept short, does at the death of his Father.

Longv.

I was never one of those Madam: nothing but age and impotence can reduce me to that condition. I had 〈◊〉〈◊〉 kill my own Game, than send to a Poulterers. Besides, I never eat Tame things, when wild of the same kind are in season. I hate your coopt cramb'd Lady; I love 'em as they go about, as I do your Barn-door Fowl.

Mir.

'Tis more natural indeed.

Longv.

But had I been ne'r so wicked, you have made such an absolute whining Convert of me, that forgetting all shame and reproach from the Wits and Debauchees of the Town, I can be a Martyr for Matrimony.

Mir.

Lord! that you should not take warning! •…•…ave not se∣veral of your married Friends, like those upon the Ladder, bid∣den all good people take warning by them.

Longv.

For all that, neither Lovers nor Malefactors can take it; one will make experiment of Mariage, and th'other of Ha•…•…g∣ing at their own sad costs. Neither of the Executions will e er be left off.

Mir.

They are both so terrible to Women, 'tis hard to know which to chuse.

Longv.

If you Ladies were willing, we Men are apt to be ci∣vil upon easier terms.

Mir.

No; those terms are harder than the other.

Longv.

You are so nimble, a Man knows not which way to catch you.

Mir.

Once for all I assure you, I will never be catch'd any way by you.

Longv.

Do not provoke Love thus, lest he should revenge his cause, and make you doat upon some nauseous Coxcomb, whom all the Town scorns.

Mir.

Let Love do what it will, I neither dare nor will talk on't any longer.

Longv.

You are afraid of talking of Love, as some are of rea∣ding in a Coujuring-book, for fear it should raise the Devil.

Mir.

What ever you can say, will as soon raise one as the other in me. But I must take leave of you and your Similies. My Uncle will want you.

Longv.

Will you not in charity afford me one interview more this after-noon?

Mir.

Provided I hear not one word of Love, and my Uncle and Aunt be secure; I shall be in the Walk on the East-side of the Garden an hour hence. But, by your leave, I shall meet another there—

[Aside. [Exit Mir.

Longv.

A thousand thanks for the honour. Yonder come Bruce and Clarinda; I'll retire—

[Exit Longv.

Enter Bruce and Clarinda.

Bruce.

I have taken more pains to single you out, than ever Wood-man did for a Deer.

Clar.

If the Wood-man were no better a Marks-man, the Deer would be safe for all his singling. Besides, I am not so tame to stand a shot yet, I thank you—

Br•…•…ce.

Lovers are quick Aimers, and can shoot flying.

Clar.

Not, if they fly so fast as I shall from you.

Bruce.

Come, I see this way will not do: I'll try another with you. Ah, Madam! change your cruel intentions, or I shall be∣come the most desolate Lover, that ever yet, with arms across, sigh'd to a murmuring Grove, or to a purling Stream complain'd. Savage! I'll wander up and down the Woods, and carve my

passion on the Barks of T•…•…ees, •…•…nd vent my grief to winds, that as they fly shall sigh and pity me▪

Clar.

How now! what foolish Fustian's this? you talk like an Heroick Poet.

Bruce.

Since the common down-right way of speaking sense wou•…•…d not please you, I had a mind to try what the Roman∣tick way of wining Love cou'd do.

Clar.

No more of this, I had rather hear the tatling of Gos∣sips at an Upsitting, or Christning, nay, a Phanatick Sermon, or, which is worse than all, a dull Rhiming Play, with nothing in't but lewd Hero's huffi•…•…g against the Gods.

Bruce.

Why, I'll try any sort of Love to please you, Madam; I▪ll shew you that of a gay Coxcombe; with his full plumes, strutting and rustling about his Mistriss, like a Turky-cock, bait∣ing her with brisk aiery motion, and fashionable nonsence, think∣ing to carry her by dint of Periwig and Garniture, or by chan•…•…∣ing some pretty foolish sonnet of Phillis or Coeli•…•…; or at best, treating her with nothing but ends of Plays, or second-hand Jests, which he runs on tick with witty men for, and is never able to pay them again.

Clar.

No, there are too many of these fine Sparks you talk of, who perhaps may be very clinquant, slight and bright, and make a very pretty show at first; but the Tincel-Gentleman do so tarnish in the wearing, there's no enduring them.

Bruce.

But I am of good metall, Madam, and so true, that I shall abide any Touch-stone, even that of Marriage.

Clar.

But it's an ill-bargai•…•…, where I must buy my Metal first, and touch it afterwards.

Bruce.

You shall touch it first, Madam, and if you do not like it, I'll take it again and no harm done.

Clar.

No: I'll take care there shall be no harme done▪ Pray divert this unseasonable Discourse of Love, for I will never hear on't more. Farewell, I see my Lady Gimcrack in the Garden.

Bruce.

Let me but beg to have one Treaty more with you this afternoon: if I convince you not of the error of your hard heart, I must submit and be miserable.

Clar.

If you love to hear the same thing again, I will declare it to you an hour hence in the green Walk on the other side the Wilderness—Farewel—But, by your leave, you shall find another in my place—

[Exit Clar.

Enter Lad•…•… Gimcrack at another door.

Bruce.

Your Ladiship's humble Servant. I have been taking the fresh air in the Garden, Madam.

L. Gim.

I am come with the same intention, and am happy in the company of a person, who is so much a Gentleman.

Bruc•…•….

Your Ladiship does me too much honour.

L. Gim.

By no means, Sir, your accomplishments command respect from all Ladies. I doubt not but you have been happy in many Ladies affections—

Bruce.

What will th•…•…s come to?—

[Aside.

L. Gim.

But Women will be frail, while there are such per∣•…•…ons in the world, that's most certain.

Bruce.

Your Ladiship's in a merry humor, to rally a poor young Gentleman thus.

L. Gim.

Far be it from me, I swear; your perfections are so prevalent, that were I not in honour engag'd unto Sir Nicholas (and Honour has the greatest Ascendent in the World upon me) I assure you I wou'd not •…•…enture my self alone with such a per∣son: But Honour's a great matter, a great thing, I'll vow and swear.

Bruce.

You Ladies will abuse your humble Servants; we are born to suffer.

L. Gim.

Lord, Sir, that you shou'd take me to be in jest! I swear I am in earnest, and were I not sure of my Honor, that ne∣ver fai•…•…'d me in a doubtful occasion, I would not give you this opportunity of tempting my frailty; not but that my virtuous inclinations are equal with any Ladies: but there is a prodigi∣ous Witch-craft in opportunity. But honor does much, yet op∣po•…•…tunity is a great thing, I swear a great thing.

Bruce.

Ay, Madam, if we use it when it offers it self.

L. Gim.

How Sir! ne'r hope for't! ne'r think on't! I wou'd not for all the World I protest. Let not such •…•…houghts of me en∣ter into your head. My honour will protect me. I make use of an opportunity—I am none of those I assure you.

Bruce.

'Sdeath! how apprehensive she is? I shall forget the Speculative part of Love with Clarinda, and fall to the practick with her. But I shall ne'r hold out that long journey, without this or some other bait by the way.

L. Gim.

Yet, as I was saying, opportunity's a bewitching thing▪ Le•…•… all Ladies beware of opportunity, I say,: for alass, if we

were not innocent and virtuous now▪ what use might we make of this opportunity now?

Bruce.

She's so damnably affected, and silly, 'twou'd pall any one's appetite but mine. Folly and affection are as nauseous as deformity.

[Aside.

L. Gim.

Should we now retire into that cool Grotto for re∣freshment, the censorious world might think it stra•…•…ge; but ho∣nour will preserve me. Honou•…•…'s a rare thing, I swear, I defie temptatio•…•….

Bruce.

You'll not give a man leave to trouble you with much. I have not observ'd that Grotto; shall I wait on you to survey it.

L. Gim.

Ay Sir, with all my heart to survey that; but if you have any wicked intentions, I'll swear you'll move me prodigi∣ously. I•…•… your intentions be dishonorable, you'll provoke me strangely.

Bruce.

Try me, Madam.

L. Gim.

Hold! hold! have a care what you do. I will not try if you be not sure of your Honor. I'll not ven•…•…re, I pro∣test.

Bruce.

What ever you are of mine, you are sure of your own.

L. Gim.

Right, that will defend me. Now tempt what you will though we go in, nay, though we shut the door too: I fear nothing; it's all one to me as long as I have my Honour about me. Come.

Bruce.

Yonder comes Longvil, Madam.

L. Gim.

For Heaven's sake remove from me, or he'll suspect my Honour.

Bruce.

So, this accident has p•…•…eserv'd me honest. I am as constant a Lover as any man in England, when I have no oppo•…•…u∣nity to be otherwise—

[Exi•…•… Bruce.

Enter Longvil.

L. Gim▪

Fa-la-la-la▪ O me Sir 〈◊〉〈◊〉 swear▪ you frighted me▪ I protest my heart was at my mouth. Alass! I shall nor recover the disorder a good while.

Longv.

What'•…•… the matter, Mad•…•…?

L. Gi•…•….

You brought a G•…•…tlemen that'•…•… 〈◊〉〈◊〉 •…•…o fresh into my mind, one 〈◊〉〈◊〉 wa•…•… the •…•…st Object o•…•… my 〈◊〉〈◊〉 and Af∣fections, no•…•… 〈◊〉〈◊〉 〈◊〉〈◊〉 se•…•… you 〈◊〉〈◊〉. 〈◊〉〈◊〉 I th•…•…ught it had been his Ghost, upon my word.

Longv.

I am happy in resembling any one you could love, Madam

L. Gim.

I have long forgotten my passion for him; but the sight of you did stir in me a strange Jè ne scai quoi towards you; and but that I am another's now—otherwise—But I say too much.

Longv.

(aside.)

I have been too much acquainted with her character to doubt her meaning. Madam, you honour me so much, I cannot acknowledge it enough by my words, my hear∣ty actions shall speak my thanks.

L. Gim.

Actions! Oh Heav'n! what actions? I hope you mean honourably. I swear you brought all the blood of my body in∣to my face. Actions, said you! I hope you are a person of ho∣nour, my Honour's dearer to me than the whole Word. I would not violate my Reputation for the whole Earth.

Longv▪

Let us retire, Madam. If I do not shew my self a Man of Honour, may your Ladiship renounce me.

L. Gim.

Retire! Heav'n forbid! Are we not private enough? W•…•…ll, you put me more and more in mind of my first Love, I swear you do.

Longv.

By your leave, Miranda, I can hold no longer. Though I am as true as Steel, any handsome Woman will strike fire on me. Let us repose a while in the Grotto, Madam.

L. Gim.

O Heav'n, Sir! do not tempt me. What, give my self an opportunity! Consider my Honour, Sir; I am an∣other's▪

Longv.

And shall be so still; Madam, whatsoever use I shall make of your Ladiship, I shall return you again, and ne'r alter the property. Dear Madam, retire.

L. Gim.

O Lord, Sir! what do you mean? you fright me so, I protest my heart is at my mouth. I am no such person. Dear Sir, mistake me not, misconstrue not my freedome; I wou'd not for the World—Well, I swear you are to blame now, mever 〈◊〉〈◊〉 you are—But 'tis your first fault, I can forgive you.

Longv.

I am sorry I have offended. But let us retire into the Grotto, and I'll make as many acknowledgments as I can.

L. Gim.

Well, Sir, since you are a little more civil, I am con∣•…•… for discourse sake, for I love discourse mightily —

Longv▪

W•…•…l, I 〈◊〉〈◊〉 a 〈◊〉〈◊〉▪ Dear Miranda, forgive me this once. Come, dear Madam.

L. Gim.

I'll follow. But d'ye hear, Sir, if you be the least un∣civil, upon my honour I'll cry out. Remember, Sir, I give you warning. Do not think on't, I swear and vow I will; do not, I say, do not.

Longv.

No, no, I warrant y•…•…u; I'll trust you for that. How fearful she is I should not think on't?

[Aside.

Enter Sir Formal.

Sir Form.

Sweet Mr. Longvil, Sir Nicholas Gi•…•…crack desires your noble presence: •…•…e being now ready to impart those se∣crets about Insects, which I d•…•…re be bold to say, no Virtuoso, Do∣mestick or Foreign, has explor'd but himself.

Longv.

I wait on you.

Sir Form.

I humbly kiss your Ladiship's fair hands.

[Exit Longvil and Sir Formal.

L. Gim.

Shame on this unlucky Fellow: I have discover'd the cross love between my Nieces and these Gentlemen, and will make work wi•…•…h it.

Enter Maid to Lady Gimcrack.

Maid.

Madam, here's a Letter for your Ladiship; the Mes∣senger would deliver it to none but me.

L. Gim.

Ha! it is from my dear Hazard.

Reads.

Madam, I am extremely impa•…•…ient to see your Ladiship at 〈◊〉〈◊〉 old place of assignation, as well for a great •…•…eal of Love, as for a little Business.

L. Gim.

Well, I will go, though it cost me money. I know that's his little business. I know not why we Ladies should not keep as well as Men sometimes. But I shall neglect •…•…y impor∣tant affair with these two fine sweet persons. But that's uncer∣tain, this is su•…•…e.

[Exit.

Enter Snarl and Mrs. Figgup.

Snarl.

How happy am I in thy Love! here I can find re•…•…eat, when tir'd with all the Rogues and Fools in Town.

Fig.

Ay, Dearest! come to thine own Miss; she loves thee, Buddy, poor Buddy. Coachee, coachee.

Snarl.

O my poor Rogue. But when didst thou see thy Friend▪ Mrs. Flirt, my Nephew Gimcrack's Mistriss?

Fig.

O shame on her! out upon her! O name her not.

Snarl.

Why, what's the matter, Bird?

Fig.

O filthy Creature, I cannot abide her▪ she's 〈◊〉〈◊〉 she's naught.

Snarl.

Why, what's the matter, Figg? what has she done to thee?

Fig.

Done! I'll never forgive her while •…•… ha'breath. Do not speak of her, she's a base Creature; name her not, I ha'done with her.

Snarl.

Has she affronted thee, poor Rogue? I'll have her maul'd. Filthy Creature.

Fig.

Ay, birds-nyes, she's a Quean. But do not thee trouble thy self with her; 'tis no matter.

Snarl.

I will know what she has done to thee. In sadness, if you do not tell me, I won't love thee, Pigs-nie.

Fig.

Well, I will, but won't you laugh at me then?

Snarl.

No, by the Mass, not I.

Fig

Nay, but thou wilt, Bird.

Snarl.

In sadness I won't.

Fig.

Why would you think it? I wish I might ne'r stir out o'this place, if the lewd Carrion had not the impudence to tell me, that Sir Nicholas Gim•…•…rack was a handsomer Man than thou art. No, I'll ne'r forgive her while I ha've breath.

Snarl.

Poor Rogue! thou art a dear Creature in sadness.

Fig.

Impudent Flirts! but I swear our Sex grows so vicious and infamous, I am asham'd of 'em, they have no modesty in 'em.

Snarl.

In sadness it's a very wicked Age; men make no con∣science o'their ways, by the Mass. In the last Age we were modest and virtuous, we spent our time in making visits, and playing at Cards with the Ladies, so civil so virtuous, and well∣bred.

Fig.

For my part, I blush at the impudent Creatures of the Town, that's the truth on't.

Snarl.

So do I, in sadness. To see Villains wrong their sweet Wives, and, while they keep them short, let little dowdy Strumpets spend their Estates for 'em, by the Mass my heart bleeds, to see so great a decay of Conjugal affection in the Nation.

Fig.

Out upon 'em, filthy Wenches; I wonder they dare shew •…•…heir harden'd faces. They are so bold, 'tis a burning shame they should be suffer'd I vow.

Snarl.

Nay, the young Coxcombs are worse; nothing but swearing, drinking, whoring, tearing, ranting, and roaring.

In sadness I shou'd be weary of the world for the vices of it, but that thou comfort'st me sometimes, Buddy.

Fig.

Prethee, dear Numps, talk no more of 'em; I spit at 'em; but I love n'own Buddy Mun. Predee kiss me.

Snarl.

Ah poor Budd, poor Rogue! we are civil now; what harm's in this?

Fig.

None, none. Poor Dear, kiss again, Mun.

Snarl.

Ah poor thing. In sadness thou shalt have this Purse; nay, by the Mass thou shalt.

Fig.

Na•…•… p•…•…sh! I cannot abide the money, not I▪ I love thee, thou art a civil, discreet, sober person of the last Age.

Snarl.

Ah poor little Rogue! in sadness I'ill bite thee by the lip, i'faith I will. Thou hast incenc'st me strangely, thou ha•…•…t fir'd my blood, I can bear it no longer, i'faith I cannot. Where are the instruments of our pleasure? Nay, prethee do not frown, by the Mass thou shalt do't now.

Fig.

I wonder that should please you so much, that pleases me so little?

Snarl.

I was so us'd to't at Westminster-School, I cou'd never leave it o•…•…t since.

Fig.

Well: look under the Carpet then if I must.

Snarl.

Very well, my dear Rogue. But dost hear, thou art too gentle. Do not spare thy pains. I love C•…•…stigation migh∣tily—So, here's good provision.

[Pulls the Carpet, t•…•…ree or f•…•…ur gr•…•…at Rods fall down.

Within.

Ho there within! open the door. 'Sdeath I'll break it open. What Rascal have you got with you? I'll maul him.

Fig.

O Heav'n! this Rascal will undo me. What shall I do? 'Tis my Brother.

Snarl.

In sadness I shall be ruin'd.

Fig.

Run, run, if •…•…ou love me, into the Wood-•…•…ole quickly. I'll get rid of him. For Heaven's sake take the Birch along with you

Snarl.

Ah Hectoring Rascal! we had none o'this in the last Age. Rogues! Dogs! A man cannot be in private with a Sister, but he must be disturb'd by th'impertinent Brother, in sadness.

Fig.

In! in! I'll out to him—

[Ex•…•…unt.

Sir Nicholas, Sir For•…•…al▪ Bruce, Longvil:

Sir Form.

I do assur•…•… you, Gentlemen, no man upon the 〈◊〉〈◊〉

of the earth is so well seen in the Nature of Ants, Flies, Hum∣ble-Bees, Ear-wigs, Millepedes, Hogs-Lice, Maggots, Mites in a Cheese, Todpoles, Worms, Neufts, Spiders, and all the noble products of the Sun, by equivocal Generation.

Sir Nic.

Indeed, I ha' found more curious Phoenomina in these minute Animals, than in those of vas•…•…er magnitude.

Longv.

I take the Ant to be a most curious Animal.

Sir Nic.

More curious than all Oviperous or Egg-laying Crea∣tures in the whole World. There are three sorts, Black, Dark∣brown, and Fillamot.

Longv.

Right, Sir.

Sir Nic.

The Black will pinch the Dark-brown with his for∣ceps, till it kills it upon the place; the like will the Dark-brown do by the Fillamot—I have dissected their Eggs upon the ob∣ject plate of a Microscope, and find that each has within it an included Ant, which has adhering to its Anus or Fundament, a small black speck, which becomes a Vermicle, like a Mite, which I have watched whole days and nights; and Sir Formal has watch'd 'em thirty hours together.

Longv.

A very pretty employment.

Sir Form.

And a long time we cou'd find no motion, but that of Flexion and Extension: but •…•…t last it becomes an Ant, Gentle∣men.

Bruce.

What does it concern a Man to know the nature of an Ant?

Longv.

O it concerns a Virtuoso mightily: so it be Know∣ledge, 'tis no matter of what.

Bruce.

Sir, I take 'em to be the most politick of all Insects.

Sir Form.

You have hit it, Gentlemen▪ they have the best Government in the World: What do you opine it to be?

Longv.

O! a Common-wealth most certainly.

Sir Nich.

Worthy Sir, I see you are a great Observer; it is a Republick resembling that of the States-General.

Bruce.

Undoubtedly! and the Dutch are just such industrious and busie Animals.

Sir Form.

Right. But now I beseech you be pleas'd to commu∣nicate some of your quainter Observations to these Philosophers, about those subtil and insidious Animals call'd Spiders.

Sir Ni•…•….

I think I have found out more Phoenomena's or Ap∣pearance•…•… of Nature in Spiders, than any Man breathing:

Wou'd you think it? there are in E•…•…gland si•…•… and thirty sevèral sorts of Spiders; there's your Hound, Grey-hound, Lurch•…•…r, Spaniel Spider.

Longv.

But, above all, your Tumbler-Spider is most admira∣ble.

Sir Nic.

O Sir, I am no Stranger to't: it catches •…•…lies as T•…•…m∣blers do Conies.

Bruce.

Good! how these Fools will meet a lie half-way.

Longv.

Great Lyars are always civil in that point; as there is no lie too great for their t•…•…lling, so there's no•…•…e too great for their believing.

Sir Nic.

The Fabrick or Structure of this Insect, with its Tex∣ture, is most admirable.

Sir Form.

Nor is its Sagacity, or Address, less to be won∣der'd at, as I have had the honour to observe under my noble Friend; as soon as it has spi'd its Prey, as suppose upon a Ta∣ble, it will crawl underneath till it arrive to the An•…•…ipodes of the Fl•…•…, which it discovers by sometimes peeping up; and if the capricious Fly happens not to remove it self by crural motio•…•…, or the vibration of its wings, it makes a fatal leap upon the heedless prey, of which, when it has satisfied its appetite, it car∣ries the remainder to its Cell, or Hermitage.

Sir Nic.

It will teach its young ones to hunt, and discipline 'em severely when they commit faults; and when an old one misses its Préy, it will retire, and keep its Chamber for grief, shame and anguish, ten hours together.

Sir Form.

Upon my integrity it is true, for I have several times, by Sir Nicholas's command watched the Animal, upon thi•…•… or the like miscarriages.

Sir Nic.

But, Sir, there is not in the World a more docible Creature, I have kept several of 'em tame.

Bruce.

That's curious indeed▪ I never heard of a tame Spider before.

Sir Nic.

One above all the rest, I had call'd him Nick, and h•…•… knew his name so well, he wou'd follow me all over the house▪ I fed him indeed with fair Flesh-flies. He was the best natur'd, best condition'd Spider, that ever I met with. You •…•…ew Nick very well, •…•…ir Formal, h•…•… was of the Spanie•…•… breed, Si•…•…—

Sir Form.

Knew him! I knew Nick intimately well▪

Longv.

These Fools are beyond all that Art or Nature e'r produc'd.

Bruce.

These are the admirable Secrets they find out—

Longv.

Have you observed that delicate Spider call'd Taran∣tula?

Sir Nic.

Now you have hit me, now you come home to me; why I travell'd all over Italy, and had no other affair in the world, but to study the secrets of that harmonious Insect.

Bruce

Did you not observe the Wisdom, Policies, and Cu∣stoms of that ingenious people?

Sir Nic.

Oh by no means! 'Tis below a Virtuoso, to trouble himself with Men and Manners. I study Insects; a•…•…d I have observ'd the Tarantula, does infinitely delight in Musick, which is the reason of its poison being drawn out by it. Ther's your Phaenomenon of Sympathy!

Longv.

Does a Tarantula delight so in Musick?

Sir Nich.

Oh extravagantly. There are three sorts, Black, Grey and Red, that delight in three several sorts and modes of Musick.

Bruce.

That was a curious Inquisition; how did you make it?

Sir Nic.

Why I put them upon three s•…•…veral Chips in water, then caused a Musician to play, first a grave Pa•…•…in, or Almain, at which the black Tarantula onely mov'd; it danc'd to it with a kind of grave mo•…•…ion, much like the Benchers at the Revels.

Enter Servant.

S•…•…rv.

Sir, The Gentleman that's going for Lapland, Russi•…•…, and those parts, is come for your Letters and Queries which you are to send thither.

Sir Nic.

I'll wait on him. I keep a constant correspondence with all the Virtuoso's in the Nor•…•…h and North-East parts. Ther•…•… are rare Phaenomena's in those Countrys. I am beholding to Finland, Lapland, and Russia, for a great part of my Philosophy. I send my Queries thither. Come, Sir Formal, will you help •…•…o dispatch him?

Sir Form.

I am proud to serve you.

Sir Nic.

Be pleas'd to take a turn in the Garden. When we have dispatch'd, we will impart more of our Microscopical 〈◊〉〈◊〉.

〈◊〉〈◊〉.

Your humble Servant—This is a happy deliverance.

[Ex•…•…unt Sir Form. and Sir Nic.

Lo•…•…gv.

I have remov'd the Lady by writing to Hazard, to send for her, and keep her an hour or two.

Bruce.

And I have sent my man to find out Sir Nicholas his Strumpet, as soon as he has found her, she'll send for him.

Longv.

For all his Vertue and Philosophy. This grave Fool will be in the fashion too. Now if we can get rid of this wor∣dy Fool Sir Formal, we have the Ladies to our selves. In the mean time, let's to our several and respective assignations.

[Ex•…•…unt.

Enter Miranda in the Garden.

Mir.

What shall I say to this Bruce? Oh unjust Custom! that has made Women but passive in Love, as if Nature had intended us for Cyphers onely, to make up the number of the Creation.

Enter Bruce.

Bruce.

Yonder's my Clarinda: Now Love inspire me, I am infi∣nitely transported with this honour you do me.

Mir.

If I have done you any honor, pray make your best on't.

Bruce.

Is it you, Madam? this honour was unexpected.

Mir.

Why whom did you expect? O I see you are not so much transported as you thought you were.

Bruce.

The honor of your Ladiships company I did not expect.

Mir.

Nor much care for, I see.

Bruce.

'Twere Blasphemy if I should say so. 'Twas your Sister I expected.

Mir.

My Sister! so, I am not fit for your company it seems.

Bruce.

If I wou'd tell you how I prize the honour, I shou'd invade the interest of my Friend.

Mir.

Your Friend! if you had no more interest in him, than I am resolv'd he shall ever have in me: he'd be the worst Friend you have.

Bruce.

He's a Man of Honour, and of Wealth: and if any man cou'd deser•…•…e you, he might.

Mir.

The World is not so barren, but I have found a fitter man: but, Sir, 'twas not my Sister; •…•…twas my Lady Gimcrack you hop'd to meet here. You are a Man of Honor. The Grotto is a fine Scene of Love. The Lady not very unwilling, 'twas well you were interrupted, Sir.

Bruce.

'Sdeath! how came she to know that? but I must bear it out; I cannot ghess your meaning: but I see you love your Sister well, to be jealous of her.

Mir.

No, I assure you, I have no reason to be jealous for her: for to my knowledge, she has irrecoverably disposed of her heart in another place.

Bruce.

What's that? What says she? She's certainly jealous for her self then. •…•…here must be something in this.

Mir.

In what confusion am I? •…•…his can never end well▪ What! I see you are troubled that I have told you a Secret of my Sisters, and discover'd one of yours. Come, walk and consider on't.

Bruce.

I am surpris'd so, I know not what to do in this exi∣gence—

[Exeunt.

Enter Longvil and Clarinda.

Clar.

You stare about like a Hare-finder: what's the matter?

Longv.

Faith▪ Madam, I expected to have met your Sister here.

Clar.

Say you so? the truth on't is, she desired me to take the trouble off her 〈◊〉〈◊〉.

Longv.

I am sorry, Madam, she thinks it so.

Clar.

You see, Sir, I am content to suffer for her sake.

Longv.

You have a mind to try me for your Sister, Madam.

Clar.

No: I assure you, Sir, she's resolved never to make trial of you her self, nor by another.

Longv.

What can the meaning of this be?

Clar.

Come, Sir, I will be a little plainer with you; She has dispos'd of her heart to another, without power of revocation.

Longv.

Why wou'd she not meet me▪ to tell me so her self?

Clar.

She thought me fitter for't: besides, perhaps this has given her an opportunity to see one she likes better.

Longv.

I see, Madam, she has not the same kindness for you, to send yo•…•… to one she likes so ill.

Clar.

You do not know•…•…, but she may have taken as great a trouble off my hands, and kept me from one I like as ill, as she does you.

Longv.

There's nothing but Riddle in Woman, they deceive as much with the Vizards of their mind, as they do with those o•…•… the•…•…r faces—

Clar.

I discover Sir▪ Formal. We must be private no longer.

[As they are going out.

Enter Bruce and Miranda.

Longv.

So Bruce, you are a happy man, I fee.

Bruce.

You are a pleasant one, I see▪ you and I must come to a cleari•…•…g of this business.

Longv.

Ladies, we ha•…•… 〈◊〉〈◊〉 to impart to you, but shall be hindered by •…•…his Coxcomb, Sir For•…•…al

Clar.

We must have some consultations too with you. Sister, we'll catch him in a Trap—

Mir.

Here's a Trap-door of a Vault, where my Uncle keeps h•…•…s bottles of Air, which he weighs, of which you•…•…ll hear more anon. We'll snap him in that, and then we shall have the plac•…•… to our selves.

Enter Sir Formal.

Clar.

Let me alone, I'll catch him.

Sir Form.

Gentlemen and Ladies, some affairs have engag'd my noble Friend, Sir Nicholas to borrow himself of you a while; and he has commanded me •…•…o pawn my person till he shall re∣deem it with his own—

Mir.

Very quaintly express'd. We were just desiring you•…•… company.

Clar.

And we were admiring this Talent of yours, your ex∣cellent manner of speaking; and I've engag'd to give you a Subject to shew your parts upon to these Gentlemen.

Sir Form.

What ever is within the Sphere of my activity, you must command. I must confess, I have some felicity in speaking.

Mir.

Dear Sis•…•…er, give him a subject; you shall hear what Oracles hang on his lips. 'Tis all one what subject he speaks upon, great or little.

Sir Form.

That it is, Madam; we Orators speak alike upon all Subjects—My speeches are all so subtilly design'd, that whatever I speak in praise of any thing, with very little alte∣ration, will serve in praise of the contrary.

Clar.

Let it be upon seeing a Mouse inclosed in a Trap.

Sir Form.

'Tis all one to me, I am ready to speak upon all occasions.

Clar.

Stand there, Sir, while we place our selves on each side.

Sir Form.

I kiss your hand, Madam. Now I am inspir'd with Eloquenc•…•… Hem! hem! Being one day, most noble Audit•…•…rs, musing in my Study upon the too fleeting condition of poor hu∣mane kind, I observed, not far from the Scene of my Meditati∣on, an excellent Machine, call'd a Mouse-trap (which my Man had plac'd there) which had included in it a solitary Mouse, which pensive Prisoner, in •…•…ain bewayling its o•…•…n 〈◊〉〈◊〉▪ and the precipit•…•…tion of it•…•… •…•…oo 〈◊〉〈◊〉 〈◊〉〈◊〉▪ 〈◊〉〈◊〉 〈◊〉〈◊〉

•…•…or liber•…•…y ag•…•…inst the too stubborn opposition of solid Wood, and more obdurate Wyer: at last, the pretty Mal•…•…factor having tir'd, alass, its too feeble limbs, till they became languid in fruit∣less e•…•…deavors for its excarceration. The pr•…•…tty Felon, since it could not break Prison, and its offence being beyond the bene∣fit of the Clergy, could hope for no •…•…ail, at last sate still pen∣sively lamenting the severi•…•…y of its Fate, and the narrowness of its, alass! too withering durance: after I had contemplated a while upon the no little curio•…•…ty of the Engine, and the sub∣tilty of its Inventor; I began to reflect upon the i•…•…ticement which so fatally betray'd the uncautious animal to its sudden ruine, and found it to be the too, alass! specious bait of Cheshire∣C•…•…eese, which seems to be a great delicate to the pallat of this A∣nimal, who in seeking to preserve its life, O misfortune, took the certain means to death; and searching for its livelihood, had sadly encounter'd its own destruction. Even so—

Clar.

Now let the Trap go—

Sir Form.

Even so, I say.

Clar.

Even so, I say, I have catch'd the Orator—

[He sink•…•….

Sir •…•…orm.

Help! help! murder!

[Below.

Longv▪

Let the florid Fool lie there.

Mir.

I warrant him.

Bru•…•…e.

He uses as many Tropes and Flourishes about a Mouse∣trap, as he would in praise of Alexander.

Enter Sir Samuel in Womans habit.

Sir Sam.

This is the subt'lest disguise to make love in that e'r was invented; this has serv'd me upon many intrigues. Well, she shall see, for all the sufferings of this day, to the Tun•…•… of Kick∣ing, Beating, Pumping, and Tossing in a Blanket, and all that▪ that nothing shall hinder me in my Love. Shall Sir Samuel be frighted from an Intrigue? No!

Longv.

Whom have we he•…•…e.

Sir Sam.

Ladies, I was commanded by my Lady Pleasant to wait on you with choice of good things, which she •…•…old me, you wou'd buy.

Mir.

What's the meaning of this?

Clar.

Since she came from my Lady, we must see what she would sell.

Sir S•…•….

I have choice of good Gloves, Amber, Orangery, Genoa, Romane, Frangipand, Neroly, Tuberose, Jessimine, and Marshal; all manner of Tires for the Head, Locks, Tours,

Frowzes, and so forth; all manner of Washes, Almond-wa∣ter, and Mercury-water for the Complexion; the best Peter and Spanish Paper that ever came over; the best Poma•…•…ums of Europe, but one rare, one made of a Lamb's Caul and May dew—Also all manner of Confections of Mercury and Hog•…•…bones, to preserve present, and to restore lost Beauty. If any out-does me in these businesses, or have better Goods than I, I am the Son of a Tinde•…•…-box. O Devil! what did I say? I shall be∣t•…•…ay my self—

Mir.

How's thi•…•…, the Son of a Tinder-box?

Sir Sam.

Pish! I mean the D•…•…ughter of a Tinder-box.

Bruc•…•….

This is the Rascal Sir Samuel in disguise.

Sir Sam.

In the first place try a pair of Gloves, Madam, don't you know me?

Mir.

How shou'd I know you?

Sir Sam.

Le•…•… me tell you, Sir Samuel's as true a Lover, as e'•…•… wo•…•…e a head.

Clar.

What's the meaning of •…•…his private discourse?

Sir Sam.

Pox on her envy; she's always for a Cup of Mis∣chief. I'll put this Note into a Glove, and that will do my bu∣siness. Slap-dash—as flat as a Flounder. I have no private business—Be pleas'd to try on this Glove, Madam. Do not you know me yet?—I am Sir Samuel.

Mir.

What's •…•…his? a Note within it.

Sir Sam.

Keep it to your self.

Clar.

What Note's that? from Sir Samuel Hearty? Oh Heav'n! this is a Bawd.

Longv.

A down-right Bawd, and Bawd to that Rascal.

Bruce.

'Sdeath! pull the Bawd in pieces.

Mir.

Lay hold on the Bawd, we'll hav•…•… her Carted. Sei•…•…e her till Sir Nicholas comes in; we'll ha•…•…e her sent to Bridewel, and soundly whipt there, and then Carted.

Sir Sam.

So! this is a fine merry way of proceeding. I'have made •…•…imble wo•…•…k on't. Let me go, I am a•…•… honest Woma•…•…, and l•…•…bour in my vocation. Let me go, or as I am an honest man I'll sue you about this busines.

Longv.

How's this? a Man▪ nay then I'll try a good kicking, upon you.

Sir Sam.

Hold! hold! What do you mean to beat a Woman? will you make me miscarry? I am with child, and for ought I •…•…now, you have kill▪d that within me,

Bruce▪

You said, a•…•… you were an honest man.

Sir Sam.

O Dunce that I am! That's a way I have of ex∣pressing my self. Bu•…•… I'll make you know I am a Woman.

Mir.

It is my Fool Sir Samuel; prethee Clarinda, let's put him to Sir Formal, and secure him till my Uncle comes; it will make excellent sport.

Clar.

Do you set him upon the Trap, it will do rarely.

Mir.

One word with you. Come this way, Sir Sa•…•…uel. I can∣not tell you how much I am afflicted for your sufferings.

Sir Sam.

Sha! it's no ma•…•…er. Come it's well it's no worse.

Mir.

Now Clarinda—

[Sir Sam. sinks.

Sir Sam.

O murder, murder! Who's here? the Devil?

Clar.

So, now we have the Garden to our selves. Let's walk, •…•…nd consult about our affairs—

[Exeunt.