The virtuoso A comedy, acted at the Duke's Theatre. Written by Thomas Shadwell. Licensed May 31. 1676. Roger L'Estrange.

ACT II. (Book 2)

Enter Longvil, Bruce, and Sir Samuel; (Sir Samuel in the habit of Longvil's Footman.)

Bruce.

WE are here to our wishes; and neither the Virtu∣oso, nor his Master of his Ceremonies within: If we could but meet with the Ladies now—

Sir Sam.

Ay, if the Ladies were but here—you should see how I wou'd shew my parts. Whip-slap-dash. I'd come up roundly with A•…•…iranda, faith Boy•…•…—ha—

Longv.

A pox o'this fellow, he'll be intollerable: I see there's no tempering with that Edge tool call'd a Fool—

Sir Sam.

I am disguis'd Cap a pe to all intents and purposes, and if any Man manages an Intriguo better than I, I will never hope for a Masquerade more, or expect to Dance my self again into any Lady's affection, and about that business. Come aloft, Sir Samuel, I say—

Bruce.

But sweet Sir Samuel, if you discover your self, you will be turn'd out of the house, and we for company.

Sir Sam.

Let me alone; pox, if I should be discove•…•…'d, Ill bring you off as round as a hoop, in the twinkling of an Oyster∣shell. But gad I cannot conceal my self from my Mistriss; my Love and Wit will break out now and then a little about the edges, or I shall burst, faith and troth.

Longv.

•…•…onder come the Ladies—Good Sam. keep your Distance.

Sir Sam.

My distance! why the Ladies are by themselves; I'll present you to 'em, I'll introduce you. Come along, pull away, Boys. Now, my choice Lad•…•…. Hey poop, come alo•…•…t, Boy—•…•…ah—

Longv.

Do you hear, Sir Samuel, act the Footman a little bet∣ter, or by Heav'n I'll turn you out-of my Livery.

Sir Sam.

What a pox, you are upon the High Ropes now. Prethee, Longvil, hold thy peace, with a whip-stich, your nose in my breech, I know what I have to do mun—Do you think to make a fool of Pil-garlick?

Longv.

By Heav'n, Pil-garlick, I'll cut your throat, if you ad∣vance beyond your post—Stand Centry there.

Bruce.

If you do not, Sam. you'll find your Master very cho∣lerick, honest Sam.

Sir Sam.

Cholerick! what a pox care I; how shall I shew my parts about this business? if I should stand here. Pshaw, Prithe•…•… hold thy peace—

Enter Clarinda and Miranda.

Longv.

Sirra, stand there, and mind your waiting—Damme stand still—

Sir Sam.

What a pox does he mean now? O'my Conscience and Soul he has been a drinking hard this morning, and is half∣Seas over already.

Longv.

Ladies your humble Servant.

Bruce.

How long have we pray•…•…d to Heav'n for this opportu∣nity of kissing your hands!

Clar.

I see then you can be devout upon some occasions.

Longv.

We shew'd our devotion sufficiently the first time we saw you; 'tw•…•…s in a Church Ladies—

Mir.

Lo•…•…! that it shoul•…•… be ou•…•… 〈◊〉〈◊〉 〈◊〉〈◊〉 •…•…ee you in a place so little us'd by you.

Clar.

I warr•…•…nt they came hither as th•…•…y do 〈◊〉〈◊〉 a Play-house, bolting out of some eating-house, having 〈◊〉〈◊〉 else to do in an idle after-noon.

Mir.

'Tis a wonder they do not come as the Spark•…•… do to a Play-house too, full of Champagn, venting very much noise, and very little wit—

L•…•…ngv.

What ever your intentions a•…•…e, I am sure it is a very wicke•…•… thing for you to go to Church.

Mir.

How so, Sir?

Bruce.

Why to seduce zealous young men, as we might have b•…•…n, but for you.

Clar.

Your zeal will never do you hurt I warrant you.

Longv.

You for your part committed Sacriledge, and rob'd Heav'n of all my thoughts.

Mir.

That's strange, for I assure you, none of mine e'r stray'd towards you.

Longv.

I am glad to find you can be so very zealous: They that can be so very violent in that higher sort of zeal, will of∣ten be so in a lower—I am glad to see my Mistriss violent in any passion; 'tis ten to one Love will have its turn then.

Bruce.

You could not but observe my great zeal to you, Ma∣dam; had I soar'd ne'r so high, you would have lured me down again.

Clar.

Alass, Sir, you never soar so high, but any lure will bring you down with a swoop, I warrant you.

Mir.

You are he that have pester'd me with your Billets Doux: your fine little fashionable Notes ti'd with filk.

Longv.

Yes, I have presented several Bills of Love upon you, and you would never make good payment of •…•…ny of 'em.

Mir.

Would you have one answer a Bill of Love at sight? that's onely for substantial Traders: young Beginners dare not venture, they ought to be cautious.

Longv.

Not, when they know him to be a responsable Mer∣chant they have to deal with?

Mir.

Such, who keep a correspondence with too many Facto∣ries, venture too much, and are in danger of breaking.

Clar.

My Sister's in the right: 'Tis more danger trusting Love with such, than Money with Go•…•…dsmiths; especially considering most Men are apt to break in Womens debts. I have received several honorable Summons from you, if I would have accept∣ed the Challenges.

Bruce.

I onely provok'd you fairly into the open Field; and 'gad, I wonder you had not honor enough to answer me.

Clar.

You would have drawn me into some wicked ambush or other, Matrimony or worse, I warrant you—

Sir Sam.

What a pox do these Fellows mean? I shall stand here till one of them has whipt away my Mistriss about business, with a Hixius Doxius, with the force of Repartee, and this, and that, and every thing in the world.

[Offers to go to Clar.

Longv.

Why Sirra, Rascal!

Sir Sam.

Ay, 'tis no matter for that Madam—

[Pulls Mir. by the sleeve.

Longv.

You impudent Dog.

[Longv. kicks him.

Sir Sam.

Psha! psha! I care not a farthing for this. This is nothing, I am harden'd; I have been kill'd and beaten to all inten•…•…s and purposes an hundred times, about intrigues and bu∣sinesses▪ Madam, Madam, don't you know me?

Mir.

What impudent saw•…•…y footman's this?

Bruce.

Poor silly Rogue, he must be beaten into good manners.

Sir Sam.

Ha-ha-ha, that's good i'faith! Poor silly Rogue! that's well. Ha-ha-ha. But all these kicks, and these businesses, and all that, we Men of Intrigue must bear. Prethee, Longvil, do not play the Fool; but let me discover my self—

Longv

Sirra, be gone, or I'll beat you most infinitely—

Madam, let us not trifle away those few happy minutes For∣tune lends us Lovers. We know your streights, and how few opportunities we are like to have; and therefore let me tell you in short, I am most desperately in love with you.

Sir Sam.

O Traitor! what says he? I must discover my self quickly about this business, or whip slap—I shall be bob'd of my Mistriss in the twinkling of a Bed-staff.

Mir.

'Tis true, our opportunities are like to be rare; but I'll improve this so well, we shall need no more—Good Sir, let it not transport you too much: for I do assure you, I am ex∣tremely and desperately out of love with you, and shall be so as long as I live.

Longv.

Say you so, Madam? and are you absolutely and vio∣lently resolv'd upon this?

Mir.

I am.

Longv.

Faith, Madam, I am glad to hear on't. I never knew a Woman absolutely resolve upon any thing, but she did the contrary.

Bruce.

I hope you'•…•… not take example by your hard-hearted Sister, to nip so hopeful a Love in the Bud; but nourish it, and in time 'twill bring forth fruit worth the gathering.

Clar.

It shall produce none for me, it's a dangerous surfeiting fruit, and I'l ha' none on't.

Sir Sam.

I'll sing a Song that I us'd to entertain 'em with, and that will discover me. I shall be even with these impudent Fellow•…•….

Sings—

She tript like a Baron Do, &c.

Longv.

'Sdeath! what does this Rascal mean?

Bruce.

Pox on him; he sings worse than an old Woman a spinning.

Clar.

How's this? I have heard that charming voice: 'tis ve∣ry like a Coxcomb's that used to come hither, one Sir Samuel Hearty.

Sir Sam.

Peace, Envy, Peace, Coxcomb; she never was so much in the wrong in her life: she was always malicious against me, because I could not love her, poor Fool—Coxcomb, whip-stich, your Nose in my Breech.—Pish.

Bruce.

Hang him, let him discover himself.

Mir.

'Tis he sure—What project's this? he was ever a great Designer.

Sir Sam.

I can hold no longer. Madam, you have lost your senses?

Longv.

'Sdeath! this Rascal puts me beyond all patience. Im∣pudent Villain—

[Kick hi•…•….

Sir Sam.

Ay, ay, it's no matter for that; it's no matter for that: I can bear any thing for my Mistriss. Don't you know me yet?

Clar.

'Tis he: I'll make as if I did not know him, and we'll have excellent sport with him.

Mir.

Hold Sir; by your favor I am resolved to speak with him, and know the meaning of this.

Longv.

Sirra.

Sir Sam.

Psha! prethee hold thy tongue, Tace is Latine for a Candle, I say again. I knew I shou'd screw her up to the tune of Love—Now do you know your faithful Servant Sir Samuel?

Mir.

I do; but have a care, if my Sister discovers you, you are undone.

Sir Sam.

I warrant you I'll be as secret as a Cockle.

Mir.

I am sorry you have been so exceedingly beaten and kick'd, Sir—

Sir Sam.

Psha! psha! it's nothing, nothing. Come, come—'tis well it's no worse—Come, if any man in England out∣does me in passive-valor about Intrigues, I am the son of a Tin∣der box—

Mir.

Have a care, she suspects something—

Sir Sam.

Ay, let me alone—

Clar.

What sawcy impudent Footman's this? Correct his in∣solence, and send him hence, I like not his face—

Mir.

The truth is, the Rascal is sawcy; but he'll learn better manners.

Sir Sam.

Good! how the Rogues Love makes her dissemble! Ah cunning Toad!

Longv.

'Sdeath you Dog! I'll learn you better manners; get you gone.

[Kicks him.

Sir Sam.

Pox on you, you over-act a Master, and kick too hard about business—

Longv.

Do you hear▪ you nonsensical Owl, be gone out of the Garden, or by Heav'n I'll run my Sword in your guts—

Bruce.

Hold, Longvil, do not kill me; 'twill be something uncivil—

Sir Sam.

Uncivil! what a pox do you talk? Uncivil! why 'twill be murder mun. Uncivil quoth a—Well, I must be gone with a cup of Content, to the tune of a damn'd beating, or so—This is a fine nimble piece of business, that a Man can∣not make love to his own Mistris. But I'll come upon him with a Quare impedit, and a good lusty cup of Revenge to boot—

[Exit Sir Samuel.

Clar.

We have discover'd your Fool. Do you want a Fool, that you must bring such a one as Sir Samuel along with you?

Mir.

Perhaps they thought themselves not able to divert us, and brought him to assist th•…•…m—

Longv.

Faith Ladies, if you make trial of us, if we be not able to divert you, you shall find us very willing.

Bruce.

I am sure if we do not divert you from your cruel re∣solutions, we are the most undone men that ever sigh'd, and look'd pale for Ladies, yet—

Clar.

I do not doubt but some Ladies, such as they are, may have made you look pale and wan.

Mir.

But a civil Woman could never yet come near your hearts, or alter your faces.

Longv.

The greatest Generals do not scape always unwoun∣ded; you have done my business, Madam.

Bruce.

I have held out a long time against the Artillery of La∣dies eyes; but a randome shot has maul'd me at last.

Clar.

That cannot be; you were the greatest Mutineers against civil Women that could be.

Mir.

Always shewing your parts against Matrimony, and de∣fending the tawdry ill-bred fluttering Wenches o'the Town.

Longv.

That may be, Madam; but we are taken off.

Bruce.

Ay, Madam; we are taken off.

Clar.

There's no trusting you; for though you seem to be ta∣ken off, as you call it, yet you'll stick fast to your good old Cause.

Mir.

A Man often parts with his honesty, but never with his opinion for a Bribe—

Enter L. Gimcrack and Sir Samuel.

L. Gim.

Mr. Bruce and Mr. Longvil in the Garden with my Nieces, say you! young Sluts! do they snap at all the Game that comes hither? what are they discoursing of?

Sir Sam.

Why to the Tune of Love, Madam; what should young Gentlemen and Ladies talk of else?

L. Gim.

O impudent Gill-flirts! cannot one young Gentle∣man scape 'em? Are they making Love to my Nieces, say you?

Sir Sam.

Yes, that they are, Madam, with a helter-skelter, whip-dash, as round as a hoop, what shou'd they do else? I'll retire—

[Exit.

L. Gim.

That's Mr. Bruce, a fine strait well-bred Gentleman, of a pleasing form, with a charming air in his face. The other, Mr. Longvil, who has a pleasing sweetness in his countenance, an agreeable straitness, and a grareful composure and strength in his Limbs. I am distracted in my choice on whom to fix my affection. Let me see, which shall I like best? Mr. Bruce is a fine person really, and so is Mr. Longvil: and so is Mr. Bruce I vow, and so is Mr. Longvil, I swear. In short, I like 'em both best, and these fluttering Sluts shall have none of 'em.

Clar.

Prethee, Sister, let's change our Men, and then we shall be troubled with no love from 'em—

Mir.

Agreed. But if we be, it is shifting of our torment, and that's some ease. But hold, we are undone: here's my Aunt.

L. Gim.

Gentlemen, your Servant. So, Nieces, you are soon acquainted with young Gentlemen, I see, It will in modesty be∣fit you to retire.

Longv.

We heard Sir Nicholas was at home, and took the li∣berty of a turn in the Garden.

Bruce.

Where by accident we found these Ladies, who have done us the honor to entertain some discourse with us—

L. Gi•…•….

They are always ready to shew their little or no breeding; you must pardon them they are raw Girls—

Clar.

Thank Heav'n; we have not •…•…ad the age and experience of your Ladi•…•…hip.

Mir.

We will leave your Reverend Ladiship, to shew your great wisdom and breeding.

L: Gim.

How now, you pert Sluts——

[Exeunt Clar. and Mir.

Gentlemen, you are not to take notice what these idle Girls say concerning my age: for I protest, Gentlemen, I exceed not Twenty two, upon my Honor I do not.

Longv.

That's well; I remember her a Woman Twenty years ago.

Bruce.

'Tis true.

[Aside.

'Tis •…•…mpossible your Ladiship should be more.

Longv.

You are in the very blossom of your age.

L. Gim.

O Lord, S•…•…rs! now, I swear, you do me too much honour. Yet had I not had some cares in the World, and the truth on't is, been ma•…•…ri'd somewhat against my will, I might have look'd much better. But 'tis no matter for that, I'm dis∣pos'd of—

Bruce.

This is to let us know she does not care for her Hus∣band.

Longv.

She means to trust one or both of us.

L. Gim.

Yet I confess, Sir Nicholas is a fine solitary Philoso∣phical person. But my nature more affects the vigorous gaity and jollity of Youth, than the fruitless speculations of Age.

Longv.

Those fitter for your youth and blood. But may we not have the honor we were promised of seeing Sir Nicholas?

L. Gim.

The truth on't is, he is within, but upon some pri∣vate business: but nothing shall be reserved from such accompli∣sh'd persons as you are. The truth on't is, he's learning to swim.

Longv.

Is there any Water hereabouts, Madam?

L. Gim.

He does not learn to swim in the Water, Sir.

Bruce.

Not in the Water, Madam! how then?

L. Gim.

In his Laboratory, aspacious Room, where all his In∣struments and fine Knacks are.

Longv.

How is this possible?

L. Gim

Why he has a Swiming-Master comes to him.

Bruce.

A Swiming-Master! this is beyond all president—He is •…•…he most curious Coxcomb breathing—

[Aside.

L. Gim.

He has a Frog in a Bowl of Water, t•…•…'d with a pack-thred by the loins; which pack-thred Sir Nichol•…•…s holds in his teeth, lying upon his belly on a Table; and as the Frog strike•…•…, he strikes; and his swiming-Master stands by, to tell him when he does well or ill.

Longv.

This is the rarest Fop that ever was heard of.

Bruce.

Few Virtuoso's can arrive to this pitch, Madam. This is the most curious invention I ever heard of.

L. Gim.

Alas! he has many such He is a rare Mechanick Phi∣losopher. The Colledge indeed refus'd him, they envy'd him.

Longv.

Were it no•…•… possible to have the favor of seeing this Experiment?

L. Gim.

I cannot deny any thing to such persons. I'll introduce you.

[Exeunt.

SCENE opens, and discovers Sir Nicholas learning to swim upon a Table, Sir Formal and the Swiming-Master standing by.

Sir Form.

In earnest this is very fine: I doubt not, Sir, but in a short space of time, you will arrive at that curiosity in this watery Science, that not a Frog breathing will exceed you. Though I confess it is the most curious of all amphibious Ani∣mals (in the Art, shall I say, or rather nature of Swiming.)

Swim. M•…•…st.

Ah! well struck, Sir Nicholas; that was admira∣ble, that was as well swom as any Man in England can. Observe the Frog, Draw up your Arms a little nearer, and then thrust 'em out strongly—Gather up your Legs a little more—So, very well——Incomparable—

Enter Bruce, Longvil, and L. Gimcra•…•…k.

Bruce.

Let's not interrupt them, Madam, yet but observe a little this great Curiosity.

Longv.

'Tis a noble Invention.

L. Gim.

'Tis a thing the Colledge never thought on.

Sir Nich.

Let me rest a little to respire. So it is wonderful, my noble Friend, to observe the agility of this pretty Animal, which, notwithstanding I impede its motion, by the detention of this Filum or Thred within my teeth, which makes a ligature about its loins, and though by many sudden stops I cause the Animal sometimes to sink or immerge, yet with indefatigable activity it rises and keeps almost its whole body upon the superfi∣cies or surface of this humid Element—

Sir Form.

True, Noble Sir; no•…•… do I doubt but your Genius

will make Art equal, if not excced Nature; nor will this or any other Frog upon the face of the Earth out-swim you—

Sir Nich.

Nay, I doubt not, Sir, in a very little time to be∣come amphibious; a man, by Art, may appropriate any Ele∣ment to himself. You know a great many Virtuoso's that can fly; but I am so much advanc'd in the Art of Flying, that I can alrea∣dy out fly that pond'rous Animal call'd a Bustard; nor should any Grey-hound in England catch me in the calmest day, before I get upon wing: Nay, I doubt not, but in a little time to im∣prove the Art so far, 'twill be as common to buy a pair of Wings to fly to the World in the Moon, as to buy a pair of Wax Boots to ride into Sussex with.

Sir Form.

Nay doubtless, Sir, if you proceed in those swift gradations you have hitherto prosper'd in, there will be no dif∣ficulty in the noble enterprise, which is devoutly to be effliga∣ted by all ingenious persons since the intelligence with that Lu∣nary World wou'd be of infinite advantage to us, in the improve∣ment of our Politicks.

Sir Nich.

Right: for the Moon being Domina humidiorum, to wit, the Governess of moist Bodies, has, no doubt, the superi∣or Government of all Islands; and its influence is the cause so many of us are Dilirious and Lunatick in this. But having suf∣ficiently refrigerated my lungs by way of respiration, I will re∣turn to my swiming—

Swim. Mast.

Admirably well struck! rarely swum! he shall swim with any man in Europe.

Sir Form.

Hold, Sir Nicholas; here are those Noble Gentle∣men and Philosophers, whom I invited to kiss your hands; and I am not a little proud of the honor, of being the grateful and happy Instrument of the necessitude and familiar communi∣cation which is like to intervene between such excellent Virtu∣oso's.

Bruce.

We are, Sir Nicholas's, and your most humble Servants.

Longv.

We shall thi•…•…k our selves much honored with the knowledge of so celebrated a Virtuoso.

Sir Nich.

You are right welcome into my poor Laboratory; and if in ought I can serve you in the way of Science my nature is diffusive, and I shall be glad of communicating with such emi∣nent Virtuoso's as I am let to know you are.

Longv.

We pretend to nothing more than to be your humbl admirers.

Sir 〈◊〉〈◊〉.

All the ingenions World are proud of Sir Nicholas, for his Physico-mecha•…•…ical Excellencie•…•….

Sir Nich.

I confess I have some felicity that way; but were I as praecelling in Physico-Mechanical Investigations, as you in Tropical Rhetorical Flourishes, I wou'd yield to none.

Longv.

How the As•…•…es claw one another?

Bruce.

We are both your admirers. But of all quaint Inven∣tions, none ever came near this of Swiming.

Sir Form.

Truly I opine it to be a most compendious method, that in •…•… fortnig•…•…ts prosecution has advanced him to be the best Swimer 〈◊〉〈◊〉 Europe. Nay, if it were possible to swim with any Fish of his Inches.

Longv.

Have you ever tri'd in the Water, Sir?

Sir Nic.

No, Sir; but I swim most exquisitely on Land.

Bruce.

Do you intend to practise in the Water, Sir?

Sir Nic.

Never, Sir; I hate the Water, I never come upon the Water, Sir.

Longv.

Then there will be no use of Swiming.

Sir Nic.

I content my se•…•…f with the Speculative part of Swim∣ing, I care not for the Practick. I seldom bring any thing to use, 'tis not my way. Knowledge is my ultimate end.

Bruce.

You have reason, Sir; Knowledge is like Virtue, its own reward.

Sir Form.

To study for use is base and mercenary, below the serene and quiet temper of a sedate Philosopher,

Sir Ni•…•…h.

You have hit it right, Sir. I never studi'd any thing for use but Physick, which I administer to poor people: you shall see my method.

Longv.

Sir, I beseech you, what new curiosities have you found out in Physick?

Sir Nic.

Why I have found out the use of Respiration, or Brea∣thing, which is a motion of the Thorax and the Lungs, whereby the Air is impell'd by the Nose▪ Mouth▪ and Windpipe into the Lungs, and thence expell'd farther to elaborate the Blood, b•…•… refrigerating it, and separating its fuliginous steams.

Bruce.

What a secret the Rogue has found out?

Sir Nic.

I have found too, that an Animal may be preserv'd without respiration, when the wind-pipe's cut in two, by •…•…olli∣cular impulsion of Air; to wit, by blowing wind with a pair of bellows into the Lungs.

Longv.

I have heard of a Creature preserv'd by blowing wind in the Breech, Sir.

Sir Nic.

That's frequent. Besides, tho' I confess, I did not in∣vent it, I have performed admirable effects by tra•…•…sfusion of Blood; to wit, by putting the Blood of one Animal into another.

Sir Form.

Upon m•…•… integrity he has advanc'd transfusion to the Achme of perfection, and has the Ascendent over all the Virtu•…•…si in point of that Operation. I saw him do the most admi•…•…able effects in the World upon two Animals; the one a Domestick Animal▪ commonly call'd a Mangy Spaniel; and a less Fame•…•…lick Crea•…•…ure, commonly call'd a Sound Bull-Dog. Be pleas'd, S•…•…r to 〈◊〉〈◊〉 it.

Sir Nic.

〈◊〉〈◊〉 I made, Sir, both the Animals to b•…•… Emittent and Recipie•…•… 〈◊〉〈◊〉 •…•…he same time, after I had made Ligatures as hard I 〈◊〉〈◊〉, f•…•…r •…•…ear of s•…•…rangling the Animals, to render the 〈◊〉〈◊〉 〈◊〉〈◊〉, I open'd the •…•…arotid Arteries, and Jugular 〈◊〉〈◊〉 〈◊〉〈◊〉 at one time, and so caus'd them to change Blood 〈◊〉〈◊〉 〈◊〉〈◊〉 ano•…•…her.

Sir 〈◊〉〈◊〉.

Indeed that which ensu'd upon the Operation was miraculous; for the mangy Spaniel became sound, and the sound Bull-dog mangy.

Sir N•…•…c.

Not only so, Gentlemen, but the Spaniel became a Bull-dog, and the Bull-dog a Spani•…•…l.

Sir Form.

Which considering the civil and ingenuous temper and education of the Spaniel, with the rough and untaught sa∣vageness and ill-breeding of the Bull-dog, may not undeserved∣ly challenge the name of a Wonder.

B•…•…ce.

'Tis an Experiment you'll deserve a Statue for.

Enter Clarinda, Miranda, and Sir Samuel.

Clar.

Sir, I must beg your pardon for my intrusion: but I have found out such a practise upon my Sister, as will nearly concern you to prevent it.

S•…•…r Sam.

What does she mean now?

Sir Nic.

Against Miranda, say you?

Clar.

This Foot-man has brought a Letter, and has been tempt∣ing her fr•…•…m that vile Man Sir Samuel Hearty. There 'tis.

Mir.

'Tis no matter for her persecution. Be confident of me, you can endure any thing—

Sir Sam.

Ay, any thing, the most substantial be•…•…ting under the Sun. I have had a pretty parcel o' kicks already about this business: but as long as I find love, I care not for •…•…icking.

Longv.

A pox o 'this Rascal, he'll undo us—

Sir Nic.

This is a Villain indeed, to tempt my Niece from that Knight; why he is a Spark, a Gallant, a Wit o'th' Town; the greatest debaucher of Youth, and corrupter of Ladies in England.

Sir Sam.

The Rogue has hit me to a Cows thumb, he's as cun∣ning a Fellow as any within forty shillings of his head.

[Aside.

Sir Form.

The Man indeed has spruce, polite, Mercurial, and pretty concise parts; but he's a little too volatile and flashy; he would make a fine person if he were but solid.

Sir Sam.

Good! solid! wou'd he so? That's as dull a Fel∣low as a man wou•…•…d wish to lay his leg over.

Longv.

I confess he is my Foot-man, but shall be no longer so; let him be soundly pump'd and toss'd in a Blanket.

Sir Nic.

Truly it is an injury beyond all sufferance, and with your leave, I'll have him so exercis'd. Call in my people.

Sir Sam.

Hold, hold, Sir! what do you mean? Sir Samuel desired me to deliver this Note; and he's a person I am much be∣holding to, that's all I know o'th' matter, only that he is a fine Gentleman, and a w•…•…tty facetious perso•…•… as any wears a head.

Longv.

Here! where are my Servants!

Enter Serv•…•…nts.

Sirra! strip that Rascal's Coat over his ears.

Sir Sam.

Hold, hold, Longvil! what are you mad? I shall catch cold in the twinkling of a Bedstaff, man.

Sir Nic.

Do you hear, let him be taken, and first pumpt soundly, and then •…•…oss'd in a blanket.

Longv.

Impudent Rascal! away with him.

Mir.

Pump him soundly impudent Fellow.

Sir Sam.

Ah, my pretty little dissembling Rogue.

[Aside.

Sir Nic.

See it done to purpose, and then turn him out a doors.

Sir Sam.

What a Devil shall I do? but she loves me still. Come—'tis well it's no worse—my intrigue goes on rare∣ly—

[They hale him out.

Cl•…•…r.

Let's see the execu•…•…ion.

Mir.

Come on let's see how generously he suffers.

[Exit Clar. and Mir.

Sir Nic.

But now to return to my transfusion.

Longv.

That was a rare Experiment of transfusing the blood of a Sheep into a Mad-man.

Sir Nic.

Short of many of mine. I assure you I have trans∣fus'd into a humane Vein 64 ounces Haver du pois weight, from one Sheep. The emittent Sheep dy'd under the Operation, but the recipient Mad-man is still alive; he suffer'd some disor∣der at first. The Sheep's blood being Heterogeneous, but in a short time it became Homogeneous with his own.

Sir Form.

Ha! Gentlemen, was not this incomparable? but tyou shall hear more.

Enter Snarl.

Sir Nic.

The Patient from being Mania•…•…l, or raging mad, became wholly Ovine or Sheepish; he bleated perpetually, and chew'd the Cud: he had Wool growing on him in great quanti∣ties, and a Northamptonshire Sheep's Tail did soon emerge or arise from his Anus or humane Fundament.

Snarl.

In sadness Nephew, I am asham'd of you, you will ne∣ver leave Lying and Quacking with your Transfusions and Fools tricks. I believe if the blood of an Ass were transfused into a Virtuoso, you would not know the emittent Ass from the Re∣cipient Philosopher, by the Mass.

Sir Nic.

O Uncle! you'll have your way; he's a merry Gen∣tleman.

Snarl.

Pox! merry! prithee leave prating and lying; I am not merry, I am angry with such Coxcombs as you are.

Sir Form.

Well, Sir, you are very pleasant, and will have your facetious pretty humors.

Snarl.

You are the Z•…•…ny to this Mountebank.

Sir Nic.

Pray, Uncle, interrupt us not. •…•…o convince you Gentlemen, of the truth of what I say, here is a Letter from the Patient, who calls himself the meanest of my Flock, and sent me some of his own Wool. I shall shortly have a Flock of 'em; I'll make all my Clothes of 'em, 'tis finer than Beaver. Here was one to thank me for the Cure by Sheeps blood just now—

Snarl.

O yes! he did not speak, but bleated his thanks to you. In sadness you deserve to be hang'd▪ You kill'd four or five that I know with your transfusion—

Sir Nic.

Sir, alass! those men suffer'd not under the Opera∣tion, but they were Cacochymious, and had deprav'd Viscera, that is to say, their Bowels were gangren'd.

Snarl.

Pish! I do not know what you mean by your damn'd Cacochymious canting; but they dy'd in sadness. Prethee make

hast with your canting and lying, and let's go to dinner, or you shall quack by your self——

Longv.

A pleasant blunt old Fellow—

Bruce.

He's in the wro•…•…g in abusing Transfusion: for excel∣lent Experiments may be made in changing one Creature into the nature of another.

Longv.

Nay, it may be improved to that height, to alter the flesh of Creatures that we eat, as much as grafting and inocula∣ting does Fruits—

Sir Nic.

'Tis very true, I do it, I use it to that end.

Snarl.

Pox! let me see you invent any thing so useful as a Mousetrap, and I'll believe some of your Lies. Prethee! did not a fellow cheat thee with Eggs, which he pretended were laid with hairs in them, and you gave him ten shillings apiece for the Eggs; till I discover'd they were put in at a hole, made by a very fine Needle.

Sir Form.

Well Mr. Snarl, you have the prettiest way of drolling. Gentlemen, pray let me recommend him to you, he's a fine facetious witty person indeed.

Snarl.

You recommend me! Prethee, damn'd Orator, hold thy tongue. In sadness you are a foolish flashy Fellow—

Bruce.

We shall be glad of the honour to know you.

Snarl.

I desire no acquaintance with any young Man of this Age, no•…•… I.

Longv.

Why so, Sir?

Snarl.

Why then are vitious illiterate foolish Fellows, good for nothing but to roar and make a noise in a Play-house. To be very brisk with pert Whores in Vizards, who, though never so ill-bred, are most commonly too hard for them at their own weapon, Repartee—And when Whores are not there, they play Monkey-tricks with one another, while all sober men laugh at them.

Bruce.

They are even with them, for they laugh at all sober men again.

Longv.

No Man's happy but by comparison. 'Tis the great comfort of all the World to despise and laugh at one another.

Snarl.

But these are such unthinking Animals, and so weary of themselves, they can never be alone; always complaining of short life, yet never know what to do with the time they have.

Bruce.

This snarling Fellow's sometimes in the right.

Snarl.

Thei•…•… top of •…•…heir Educa•…•…ion is to sma•…•…er French: for in Fr•…•…nce they have been to learn French V•…•…ces to spend Eng∣lish Estates with; with an insipid gaity, which is to be slight and bright, very pert and very dull.

Sir Ni•…•…h.

S•…•…r I beseech you to be civiller to my Friends.

Snarl.

I am transported with passio n against the young Fel∣lows of the Age.

Longv.

Old Fools always envy young Fools.

Snarl,

•…•…hey are all forward and positive in things they un∣derstand not; they laugh at any Gentleman that has Art or Science, and make it the property of a well bred Gentleman, to be good for nothing, but to make a Figure in the Drawing∣room, set his Periwig in the Glass, smile, whisper, and make legs and foolish faces for an hour or two, without one word of sense in s•…•…dness.

Bruce.

The snarling Rogue's very tart upon the Youngsters.

Longv.

When the pleasures of Wine and Women, the jo•…•…s of Youth leaves us, Envy and Malice the lusts of Age, succed 'em—

Snarl.

Besides, they are all such Whoring fellows, in sadness •…•… am asham'd of 'em. The last Age was an Age of Modesty—

Bruce.

I believe there was the same Wenching then: onely they dissembled it. They added Hypocrasie to Fornication, and so made two Sins of what we make but one.

Longv.

After all his virtue, this old Fellow keeps a Whore. I▪ll tell you m•…•…re on't.

Sir Ni•…•….

I hope you will pardon the rough n•…•…ture of my Un∣cle, who sp•…•…res no body. Now if you please, Gentlemen, we'll retire. I am sorry I cannot perform the dissection of the Lobster, wh•…•…ch I promis'd. My Fi•…•…h-monger that serves me for that Ope∣ration, has fail'd me: but I'll assure you it is the most curious of all Testaceous or Crustace•…•…us Animals whasoever.

Sir 〈◊〉〈◊〉.

But we will read an Author, and sport about a little Gr•…•…k and Latine bef•…•…re Dinn•…•…r. The one is a noble re∣f•…•…ction of the Mind, as the other is of the Body.

Lon•…•…v.

We wait on you.

Sir Ni•…•….

After Dinner we will have a Lecture concerning the Natu•…•…e of Insects, and will survey my Microscopes, 〈◊〉〈◊〉, 〈◊〉〈◊〉, 〈◊〉〈◊〉, Pn•…•…umatick Engin•…•…s, St•…•…ntrophonical Tub•…•…s, and the like—

B•…•…uce.

We •…•…re infinitely oblig'd to you, Sir. But all this does not edifie with our Mistresses, Longvil.

Longv.

We must find a way to get rid of •…•…hese insipid Fools. I have a way to get rid of the Lady.

Sir Form.

G•…•…ntlemen, we most humbly attend your motions.

Bruce.

We wait on you.

[Ex•…•…unt omnes.