The sullen lovers, or, The impertinents a comedy acted by His Highness the Duke of Yorkes servants / written by Tho. Shadwell.

Act. IV.

Enter Lady Vaine and Carolina.

La. Va.

COme Madam, I am not so blind, but I have discover'd something.

Car.

What have you discover'd Madam?

La. Va.

Let me tell you, Madam, 'tis not for your honour to give meetings privately to Ma∣ster Lovell.

Car.

Why Madam, if I shou'd, are you concern'd in it?

La. Vain.

Yes, Madam, first in my good Wishes to your Ladi∣ship, I would not have the World blame your Conduct, not that you shou'd have the least blemish in your honour, but that your Fame and Vertue shou'd continue unspotted and undefil'd as your Ladiships Beauty is.

Car.

Fear not, Madam, I'le warrant you I'le secure my honour without your Instructions.

Enter Lovell softly, and comes just behind them.

La. Vain.

But, Madam, let me tell you agen, no Woman has really that right in Master Lovell that I have: but he's false Wretch Madam, he has no Religion in him, if he had any Con∣science, or had used to have heard Sermons, he would never have been so wicked and per••idious to a poor Innocent Woman as I am.

Lov.

This is very fine i'faith—

to himself.

La. Vain.

Madam, he protested all the honourable kindness in the World to me, and has receiv'd Favours from me, I shall not mention at this time, and now he has rais'd the siege from before me, and laid it to your Ladiship.

Car.

I cannot imagine what you mean by this?

La. Va.

And Madam to confess my Weakness to you, I must needs say, I love him of all men in the World.

Car.

Well, Madam, since you do, I'le resigne my Interest in the Gentleman you speak of, here he is.

La. Va.

Oh Heaven! am I betray'd? well, Madam, I shall ac∣quaint your father with your Amour.

Lov.

Hold, Madam, if you do perhaps I may whisper some∣thing in Sir Positive's ear.

La. Vain.

Sir! you will not be so ungenerous to boast of a La∣dies kindness: if he shou'd say the least thing in the World after my unhansome leaving of him just now, it wou'd incense him past reconciliation, what a confusion am I in?

Ex. La. Vain.

Lov.

Is not this very pleasant Madam?

Car.

I wonder, Sir, after what has now past you have the confidence to look me in the face.

Lov.

I like this raillery very well, Madam.

Car.

I can assure you, you shall have no reason to think I railly with you.

Lov.

Certainly you cannot be in Earnest.

Car.

Upon my word you shall find I am, I will have nothing to do with any man that's engag'd already.

Lov.

You amaze me, Madam.

Car.

'Ile never see you more—

Enter Stanford.

Stanf.

O friend! I'm glad I've found you.

Lov.

I shall have no opportunity to appease my Mistress▪ if I do not get rid of him, but I have a trick for him.

aside.

Stanf.

Wou'd this woman were away, that I might acquaint you with the greatest concernment I ever had.

Lov.

Step into that Chamber quickly, and I'le get rid of her, and come to you.—

Stanf.

With all my heart—

Exit Stanford.

Lov.

Certainly, Madam, you cannot know this Woman so little as to give her Credit? I'le tell you what she is.

Car.

I am very glad I know you so well: do you think I'le be put off with a Remnant of your Love?

Enter Roger.

Roger.

O! Master Lovell! is my Master here? I have lost him these two houres.

Lov.

Ay, ay, but Madam, for Heav'ns sake hear me!

Car.

Trouble me no more.

Exit Carolina, Lo∣vell follows her.

Rog.

Where is this Master of mine: I have been seeking him these two hours, and cannot light of him.

Enter Huffe.

Huff.

Oh Roger! where's your Master?

Roger.

O Sir! you shall excuse me for that.

Huff.

Prethee dear Rogue tell me, 'twill be better for thee.

Rog.

No, no, that won't do, you were not so just to me last time.

Huff.

Upon my honour I was: Why shou'dst thou distrust thy friend?

Rog.

Come Sir, don't think to Wheadle me at this rate!

Huff.

I am a son of a Whore if I was not just to you: but prethee bring me to him once more: I am sure to get money of him, and may I perish if I do not give you your share to a far∣thing.

Rog.

Well! I'le trust you once more: go, and stay for me in the Hall, and I'le come to you when I have found my Master, who is somewhere in this house.

Huff.

Well! I'le wait for you—

Exit.

Rog.

My comfort is, if he gets money I may have my share, if not he ventures a kicking agen, and I venture nothing.

Enter Stanford and Emilia.

Rog.

Oh Sir! I have been seeking you these two houres, and here's Master Lovell in the house.

Stanf.

You Rascal, must you trouble me too?—

offers to strike him.

Emil.

He does not trouble you more then you do me.

Stanf.

Now are you like a young hound that runs away with a ••alse scent.

Emili.

For Heaven's sake leave me.

Stanf.

Nay! This is like a Woman, to condemn a man un∣heard.

Emili.

Must I be for ever pester'd with Impertinent peo∣ple?

Stanf.

If you were not so your self, you wou'd not think me so; but she that has the Yellow Jaundies thinks every thing yellow which she sees.

Emili.

Is it possible you can have the impudence to endeavour to justifie your folly.

Stan.

Not that I care much for satisfying you, but to vindi∣cate myself from the unjust aspersion: know it was my honour oblig'd 'me to go along with that Foole.

Emili.

Out of my sight; Are you one of those Fopps that talk of honour?

Stan.

Is that a thing so despicable with you? he ask'd me to be his second, which I cou'd not in honour refuse.

Emil.

Granting that barbarous custome of Duells; Can any thing be so ridiculous, as to venture your life for another mans quarrel, right or wrong?

Stan.

I like this Woman more and more, like a sott as I am▪ sure there is VVitch-craft in't.—

aside.

Emil.

But to do the greatest Act of Friendship in the World for the greatest Owle in Nature.

Enter Huffe.

Huffe.

Oh Mr▪ Stanford, I have a business to impart to you.

Stan.

O insufferable! Have you the Impudence to trouble me agen.

Emi.

I know not what's the matter, but I cannot but have some inclination to this fellow yet.

aside.

Huffe.

I am going into the City, where I shall have the rarest Bubble that ever man had; he was set me by a Renegado-Lin∣nen-Draper, that fail'd last year in his Credit, and has now no other trade but to start the Game, whil'st we pursue the Chace. This is one of these fellowes that draw in the Youth of the City

into our Decoy, and perpetually walk up and down seeking for Prey.

Stan.

Be gone! and leave me.

Huffe.

But you know a man must have a little Gold to show, to baite the Rogues withall.

Stan.

Out, you unseasonable Rascal, Ile send you hence.

—Drawes.

Huffe.

Nay, 'tis not that Sir can fright me, but that I would not disturb the Lady, I'de make you know.

Stan.

You impudent Villain, I'le send you fur∣ther.

Follows Huffe, and runs away huffing.

Huffe.

Nay, Sir, your humble Servant and you go to that, Sir; I care as little for a Sword, Sir, as any man upon Earth: I fear your Sword? Who dares say it? your Servant, your Servant.—

(Ex. Huffe

Emil.

This is not altogether so foolish as fighting in Sir Posi∣tive's Quarrel.

Stanf.

Sir Positives quarrel! 'twas in effect my own; for I was sure to meet with some impertinent Fellow or other for my Enemy, and was glad of this opportunity to vent my indignati∣on upon one of those many that have tormented me; I had rather fight with them all, then converse with them.

Emil.

But you may chuse whether you will do either.

Stanf.

Yes, as much as chuse whether I'le breathe or no.

Emili.

But how could you be sure to meet with such an one.

Stanf.

VVhat Question is that? Is it not above 5000 to one odds?

Emil.

aside.

I am glad he has brought himself well off, for I must like him, do what I can, he must be a man of sence▪ I must confess, the business is not altogether so ill as I ima∣gin'd.

To him.

Stanf.

Now Madam, who is impertinent, you or I?

Emil.

You are to say the same thing twice to me.

Stan.

VVell! this is a rare VVoman: what a quick appre∣hension she has. I love her strangely, the more Coxcombe I, that I shou'd be drawn in of all men living.

aside

Enter VVoodcock.

VVood.

O Dear heart, have I met with thee; I have been seeking thee all the Town over.

Stanf.

Heart, What's this? I was going in great haste just as you came, adieu.

Wood.

Ah dear Jack, I have not so little honour as to leave thee in this condition.

Stanf.

Good Sir! What condition? I am not Drunk, am I?

Wood.

No, Ga'd, wou'd it were no worse, Dear heart.

Stanf.

It cannot be worse, do not trouble me.

Wood.

No, I'le tell thee Iack; Huffe threatens

Embraces and kisses him.

thee to cut thy Throat where ever he meets thee; and I came my Dear Bully-Rock to offer thee the Service of my sword and arme.

Stanf.

For Heaven's sake put not this upon me; Do you think he that wou'd be kick'd without resistance, dares do any thing?

Wood.

But look you, Dear Heart, Lord this is the strangest thing in the World, you had Ladies with you, and you know it had been an uncivil thing to have turn'd agen then Iack: but now he's resolv'd to have satisfaction, he told me so; And if I can see as farr into a Millstone as another, he's no Bully San∣dy.

Stanf.

Trouble me no more: be gone—

Wood.

Ay, ay, thou dost this now to try whether I have so little honour as to quit thee, but it won't pass, my dear Rascall; kiss me, I'le live and dye with thee.

Stanf.

Sir, let me tell you, this is very rude: and upon my word I have no quarrel unless you'l force one upon me.

Emil.

Still do I like this man better and better.—

Aside.

Wood.

Nay, then I smell a Rat—Farewell Iack—Servant, Dear Hearts.

Ex. Woodcock.

Enter Lovel, Carolina, Roger.

Carol.

But, are you sure my Lady Vaine is such a one.

Lov.

Yes, that I am, my little peevish Jealous Mistress.

Carol.

Yes, yes, I have reason to be jealous of such a Treasure as you are: But pray, to satisfie a little scruple I have, see her no more.

Stanf.

We had best change the Scene, I think, what if you shou'd walk out a little.

Emili.

I care not much if I doe.

Stanf.

I cou'd find in my heart to go along with you.

Emili.

Yes, and leave me agen for your Honour for∣sooth.

Stanf.

How Devillishly impertinent is this for you to harp upon one string still.

Lovel.

Let's pursue our design.

Enter sir Positive.

Carol.

Agreed: and to our wish here comes my Cozin Positive.

Sir Posit.

Oh! Have I found you: I'le tell you the pleasant'st thing in the World.

Stan.

Sir, I am just now going to a Lawyer of the Temple to aske his Councell.

Sir Posit.

P'shaw, p'shaw; save thy Money, what need'st thou do that, I'le do't for you; why I have more Law, then ever Cooke upon Littleton had; you must know, I am so eminent at that, that the greatest Lawyers in England come to me for ad∣vice in matters of difficulty: Come, state your Case, let's hear't, Come.—Hold, hold Cozen, Whither

Emilia offers to go out.

are you going.

Emili.

Let me goe, I am going in haste to bespeak a Seale.

Sir Posit.

A Seale; Why do'st thou know what thou do'st now? To go about that without my advice: Well, I have gi∣ven Symons and all of e'm such Lessons, as I have made e'm stand in admiration of my Judgment: Do you know

that I'le cut a Seale with any man in England for a thousand Pound.

Roger.

I have my Lesson, I'le warrant you I'le do't.

exit.

Emili.

O Heav'n!

I must go now to bespeak it; I am to send it immediately to my Sister at the English Nunnery in Bruges.

Sir Posit.

Bruges! ah dear Bruges; now you talk of Bruges, I am writing this night to Castel Rodrigo, you must know I have thought of their Affaires, and consider'd e'm thoroughly; and just this very After-noon I have found out such a way for e'm to preserve Flanders from the French, I defie all Mankind for such an Invention; and I think I offer him very fair, if he will let me divide the Government with him, I'le do't; otherwise if Flanders be lost, 'tis none of my fault.

Lov.

What is your Design Sir Positive?

Stanf.

That thou shoud'st be so very foppish to aske que∣stions?

Sir Posit.

I'le tell you, I will this year; pray mark me, I will bring 100000 Men into the Field, d'ye see.

Carol.

But, Where will you have these Men, Cozen?

Sir Posit.

Have e'm P'shaw, p'shaw, let me alone for that; I tell thee Stanford, I will bring 100000 men into the Field, 60000 in one Compleat body, and 40000 for a flying Army, with which I will enter into the very Body of all France.

Stan.

O Devil! I had rather Flanders shou'd be lost, then hear any more on't.

Sir Posit.

But this would signifie nothing, unless it were done by one that understands the conduct of an Army, which if I do not, let the World Judge: but to satisfie you, I'le tell you what I'le do, pray mark me, I will take threescore thousand Spanish Souldiers, and fight with 60000 French, and cut e'm off every M••n: pray observe one, this is demonstration; then will I take those very numericall Individual Frenchmen I spoke of.

Stanf.

What, after you have cut e'm off every man.

Sir Posit.

Pish; What doest talk Man? What's matter whe∣ther it be before or after, that's not to the point? P'shaw, pre∣thee don't thee trouble thy self for that, I'le do't man; I will take those very 60000 French and fight with a Spanish Army of

100000, and by my extraordina••y Conduct destroy e'm all, this is demonstration, nothing can be plainer then this; by this you may guess whether I may not be a considerable Man to that N••tion or no.—Nay, more then that, I'le undertake if I were in Can∣dia, the Grand Visier would sooner expose himself to the fury of the Ianizaries, then besiege the Town while I were in't.

Emil.

I cannot tell whether I am more tormented with Sir Positive, or pleas'd with Stanford, he is an extraordinary man.

Aside

Sir Posit.

But as I was saying, Cozen Emilia; I will have 100000 men in the Field, and I will man the Garrisons to the full: besides pray observe, I will have an infinite store of Provision every where, and pay all my Souldiers to a penny duly.

Carol.

But where's the Money to do this Cozen?

Emil.

What shall I do? Whether shall I turn me?

Stan.

Ah Dear Emilia!

Sir Posit.

VVhere's the Money, that's good one 'Faith!— Prethee dear Cozen do thou mind thy Guittar; thou dost not understand these things.

Stan.

I am sure I understand you to be the greatest Coxcomb in Nature.

Sir Posit.

Then I will make you me a League Offensive and Defensive with the King of England, the Emperor and Princes of Germany, the King's of Sweden and Denmarke, the Kings of Por∣tugal and Poland, Prester Iohn, and the Great Cham, the States of Holland, the Grand Duke of Muscovy, the Great Turk, with two or three Christian Princes more, that shall be nameless; and if with that Army, Provision and Alliance, I do not do the business, I am no Judge, I understand nothing in the VVorld.

Enter Roger.

Roger.

O Sir Positive! my Lady Vaine wou'd speak with you at your Lodging immediately.

Sir Posit.

Cods my life-kins, Stanford, I am heartily sorry I must leave you.

Stan.

So am not I.

Sir Posit.

I beg your pardon a thousand times. I vow••t Gad I wou'd not leave you but upon this occasion.

Emil.

How glad am I of the occasion!

Sir Posit.

going, returnes in haste.

Well! I hope you'l be so kind to believe, that nothing but my Duty to my Mistress shou'd have made me part with you thus rudely.

Stanf.

O yes! we do believe it.

Sir Posit.

But hark you Cozen, and Stanford, you must pro∣mise me not to take it ill, as I hope to breathe I mean no incivi∣lity in the World.

Emil.

Oh no, no, by no meanes.

Sir Posit.

Your Servant.—

Exit Sir Positive.

Carol.

Come, Lovel, let's follow him, and either prepare him, or find out some others for a fresh incounter.

Lov.

Allon's, but be sure, Roger, you forget not what I said to you.—

(Ex. Lov. Carolina.

Rog.

I will not, Sir.

Stanf.

How Curteously he excus'd himself, for not torment∣ing us more.

Emil.

This is the first good turne my Lady Vaine e're did me.

Rog.

No, Madam, this was my ingenuity; I ne'r saw my La∣dy Vaine, not do I know where she is.

Sir Positive Returnes.

Sir Posit.

Cozen and Mr. Stanford, I have consider'd on't, and I vow to Gad I am so affraid you'l take it ill, that rather then disoblige you, I'le put it off.

Stan.

O no Sir, by no meanes; 'twould be the rudest thing in the World to disobey your Mistress.

Sir Posit.

Nay, 'Faith I see thou art angry now, 'prethee don't trouble thy selfe, I'le stay with thee.

Stanf.

Hell and Damnation! this is beyond all suffe∣rance.

Emil.

Let me advise you by all meanes to go to your Mis∣tress.

Sir Posit.

Well! if you won't take it ill, I'le go; adieu.

Exit Sir Posit.

Enter Woodcock, Serjeant, and Musqueteeres.

Wood.

That's he, seize him.

Serje.

Sir, by your leave, you must go to the Captain of the Guard.

Stan.

O! into••lerable! What's the matter now?

Serjaent.

I do not know, but I guess 'tis upon a quarrel betwixt you and one Lieu••enant Huffe.

Stanf.

Was ever any thing so unfortunate as this? Can't you defer't an houre?

Serje.

I am commanded by my Officer and dare not diso∣bey.

Stanf.

How loath am I to leave this Woman; there is some∣thing extraordinary in this—Madam; I am willing enough to stay with you, but you see I am forc'd away:—stay you here Roger.—

Exit with Serjeant and Musqueteers.

Emil.

VVhat an unlucky accident is this? but my misfor∣tunes never faile me.—

Exit.

Wood.

So, he's safe, and I have done what I in honour ought to do; and now honest Roger, my dear Bully-Rock, I'le stay with thee, prethee kiss me, thou art the honestest Fellow in the World.

Roger.

Sir, I am glad I can Repay your Commendations; I have the best newes for y'e that ever you heard in your life.

Wood.

Me! VVhat is't Dear Heart?

Rog.

VVhy, I'le tell you, the Lady Emilia is in love with you.

Wood.

In love with me, fy, fy, Pox on't what a VVheadling Rogue art thou now? VVhy should'st thou put this upon thy Friend now?

Roger.

Sir, this suspition of yours is very injurious: Let me tell you, that I am sure I have not deserv'd it from you Sir.

Wood.

Nay, I must confess, I have alwayes found thee an ho∣nest Fellow, Dear Heart; but a Pox on't, she can't love me: P'shaw, me? VVhat, what can she see in me to love me for? no, no.

Roger.

Sir! upon my life, it's true.

VVood.

Ha, ha, Dear Rascal, kiss me, the truth on't is, I have thought some such thing a pretty while, but how the Devil com'st thou to find it out, on my Conscience thou art a Witch.

Rog.

O Sir! I am great with her Maid Luce, and she told me her Lady fell in love with you for singing, she says you have the sweetest Voice, and the delicatest Method in singing of any man in England.

Wood.

As Gad shall sa'me, she is a very ingenious Woman; Dear Dog, Honest Rascal here, here's for thy Newes, I'le go in and give her a song immediately—

Exit.

Rog.

How greedily he swallows the bait: but 'these self∣conceited Ideots can never know when they are wheadl'd.

Enter Lovell and Ninny.

Ninn.

P'shaw, p'shaw, ad'au'tre, ad'au'tre, I can't abide you shou'd put your tricks upon me.

Lov.

Come, Ninny, leave Fooling, you know I scorn it, I have always dealt faithfull with you.

Ninn.

aside.

I must confess he has always commended my Poems, that's the truth on't: But I am affraid this is impossible, don't Wheadle your friend.

Lov.

I shall be angry Sir, if you distrust me longer. You may neglect this opportunity of raising your self, Do, but perhaps you may never have such another.

Nin.

Nay▪ but dear Sir, speak! are you in Earnest?

Lov.

Doe you intend to affront me, you had as good give me the lye.

Nin.

No, dear Sir, I beg your pardon for that, I believe you, But how came you to know it?

Lov.

Her Sister Carolina told me so, and that she fell in love with you for reading a Copy of your own Verses: she sayes you read Heroick Verse with the best Grace of any man in England.

Ninn.

Before George she's in the right of that, but Sir—

Lov.

'Slife ask no more questions, but to her and strike while the Irons hot: have you done you business Roger?

Rog.

Most dextrously Sir.

Lov.

Let's away—

Ex. Lov. and Roger.

Ninn.

Love me? I am o'rejoy'd, I am sure I have lov'd her a great while.

Enter Emilia, Woodcock following her singing.

Wood.

Fa, la, la, la, &c.

Emil.

Heav'n! this will distract me, what a vile noise he makes worse then the Creaking of a Barn door, or a Coach wheel un∣greas'd.

Wood.

This is damn'd unlucky that he shou'd be here to hinder my design.

aside.

Ninn.

What a pox makes him here, but I'le on in my bus'ness Madam, I'le speak you a Copy of Verses of my own that have a great deal of mettle and soul, and flame in'em.

Emil.

But I will not hear'em, Sir.

Wood.

Alas poor fool he hopes to please her, but it won't do, ha, ha, ha.

aside.

Ninn.

What the devil can she mean by this, sure she can't be in Earnest: No, I have found it; Ay, ay, it must be so, she wou'd not have me speak before him, because she wou'd not have him take notice of her passion, but what care I—

aside

he offers to rehearse.

Wood.

Prethee Ninny don't trouble the Lady with your Verses.

Ninn.

Well, well! Can't you let one alone—

Wood.

Fa, la, la, la, &c.

Emil.

What horrid Noise is this you make in my Ears? shall I never be free?

Ninn.

Alas! poor Coxcomb he hopes to please her with his Voice: No, no, he may spare his pains—I am the man.

aside.

Wood.

What a pox ayles she? She's damnably out of humour what e'res the matter, I am sure Roger wou'd not deceive me of all men? what an ass am I, that I shou'd not find it, she's affraid my singing will incourage him to trouble her; or else she would not have him perceive her kindness—

aside.

Emil.

Sure all the world conspires against me this day?

Wood.

Fa, la, la, la, &c.

Wood. sings all the while Ninny repeats.

Ninn.

reads

My Love to that prodigious height does rise,

'Tis worthy of my heart and of your Eyes: First of my heart, which being subdu'd by you, Must for that Reason be both strong and true; Then of your Eyes, which Conquerours must subdue: And make 'em be both slaves and freemen too; Your Eyes which do both dazle, and delight, And are at once the Ioy, and grief of sight. Love that is worthy of your face and fame May be a glory, but can be no shame: My heart by being o'recome does stronger prove, Strength makes us yield unto your Eyes and Love. In this my heart is strong, because 'tis weak, This, though I hold my peace, my Love will speak, Silence can do more then e're speech did doe, For humble silence does doe more then wooe; Under the Rose, which being the sweetest flower Shews silence in us has then speech more power.

Ninn.

Why, what a damn'd Noise does he make; pox take me Madam, if one can be heard for him▪ Can't you let one alone with one's Verses trow.

Wood.

Poor fellow! alas! he little thinks why I sing now?

aside.

Ninn.

If he thought how pleasant my rehearsing were to her, sure he wou'd not be so rude, but Mum for that.

aside.

Enter Luce.

Luce.

O Madam! your fathers come to Town, and has brought a Country Gentleman to come a woing to you: he sent his man before hand to know if you were within, and one of the servants unluckily inform'd him before I cou'd see him: he sayes he's the most down-right plodding Gentleman the Countrey can afford.

Emil.

What will become of me? is there no mercy in store for me?

Wood.

Is he coming—nay then—hem—

They both take hold of Emilia, and hold her by force, and sing and repeat as fast agen as they did before.

—hem.

Ninn.

I'le make haste before he comes to hinder me.

Emil.

For Heav'ns sake let me goe.

Wood. Ninn.

Sing Repeat

together.

Emil.

Oh, hold, hold, hold. I faint if you give not over.

Wood.

What a Devil does she mean by this, I am sure she loves me; but perhaps rather then indure the trouble of his Noise, she's willing to dispense with the pleasure of my Voice.

aside

Ninn.

A poise take this VVoodcock that he shou'd anger this Lady, as I hope to live he's a very impertinent fellow, for though she was troubled at him, I perceiv'd she was transported with me.

Emil.

It must be so, I must do ill that good may come on't: This Countrey-fellow will be the worst plague of all, since he has my fathers Authority to back him, I must be forc'd to subdue my own Nature, and flatter these Coxcombs to get rid of him, for they are so impudent they'l drive him from hence—

Enter Stanford, and overhears.

VVood.

Madam, let me ask you in private, how did you like my song, speak boldly Madam, Ninny does not hear, Dear Heart?

Emil.

I must needs like it, Sir, or betray my own Judgement.

VVood.

Ah, Dear Roger! thou art a made man for ever. I am the man—

aside.

Stanf.

What's this I hear?

to himself.

Ninn.

How did you like my Verses, Madam?

Emil.

So well Sir, that I hope you will let me hear 'em often. What am I reduc'd to?

Stanf.

Oh Devil whats this?

Ninn.

How happy shall I be? the truth is I did perceive you were troubl'd at VVoodcocks senseless Songe, how we wou'd enjoy our selves if he were gone?

Stanf.

Is it possible I shou'd be deceiv'd so much?

Wood.

I'le tell thee Dear Heart, if thou bee'st troubled at Ninny's Rimes, upon my honour I'le beat the Rogue.

Enter Father and Countrey Gentleman.

Fath.

This is she, Sir.

Con. Gen.

Your servant, Madam.

Stanf.

'Death she is a very Gossip, and Converses with all sort of fools, not only with patience, but with pleasure too, how civilly she entertains them? That I shou'd be such an Owl to think there could be a woman not impertinent, I have not patience to look upon her longer.—

Ex.

Wood.

It won't doe Ninny, her father little thinks she's ingag'd Dear Heart.

Ninn.

No, no, her father little thinks she's ingag'd,

aside.

nor you neither, to whom—ha, ha, ha, it makes me laugh to think how this Countrey Gentleman will be bod'd Wood∣cock.

Wood.

He may go down Ninny like an Ass as he came, shee'l send him down with a flea in's ear take that from me.

Ninn.

What a poise! he does not know she loves me! does he?

aside.

Wood.

Poor fool! I pity him: ha, ha, ha.

Ninn.

So do I, alack, alack.

Cou. Gent.

Madam, I am but just now come to Town, you see my Boots are dirty still, but I make bold as the saying is.

Emil.

More bold then welcome, I assure you Sir.

Cou. Gent.

Thank you good sweet Madam; this is the most ob∣liging Gentlewoman that ever was—

aside.

Fath.

By this he shewes the Impatience of his Love (Daughter.)

Wood.

Madam, I am a son of a Whore, if I have not the best song upon that subject, that ever you heard in your life.

Ninn.

Before George Madam, I'le repeat you Copy of Verses of my own ten times better then his song.

Wood.

You are an impudent Coxcomb to say so, Dear Heart, And ye lye, and I am satisfy'd.

Ninn.

Do I so, Madam, do but you judge.

Fath.

What can this mean? they are both mad.

sing and repeat together—

Ninn.

repeats

I am so impatient for to go to my Dear, That I run headlong without wit or fear.

Ninn.

What an impertinent fellow are you, Woodcock cannot you let one alone.

Re∣peats

So great the power of our love is now, We can't persuade it reason for to allow. Strange Miracle of Cytherea's force, For to transform a man into a horse.

Wood.

sings.

My love is Cruel growne, For to leave me all alone, Thus for to sigh, and moan. Ah woe is me! Peace, Coxcomb, peace.

spoke

But I'le strive for to find My love, though she's unkind, So for to ease my mind. Oh woe is me! Hey ho, hey ho, my love, Who is so Cruel as Jenny to me.

They offer to sing and repeat agen.

Fath.

Hold, hold, are you both mad, is the Devil in you, if he be, I shall have them will conjure him out of you. Come out you Coxcombs, or I••le drive you out.—

Ex. Father, Ninny and Woodcock.

Cou. Gent.

These Gentlemen are as mad as March-Hares, Ma∣dam, as the saying is, but to our bus'ness, I had not the power as I was a saying, to keep from you longer, Lady, not so much as a pissing while, d'ye see! for Cat will to kind as the saying is.

Luce.

Oh, Sir, you complement, you are an absolute Countrey Courtier.

Cou. Gent.

Who I, alas not I, in sober sadness, we that live in the Countrey are right down d'e see, we call a spade a spade, as the saying is for our part.

Luce.

You doe well Sir, for hypocrisie is an abominable vice.

Cou. Gent

'Tis indeed to be a Pharisy, and carry two faces in a hood, as the saying is.

Emil.

Now I wish my to'ther two fools would come back and drive away this.

Luce.

I perceive you are very good at Proverbs, Sir don't you use to play at that sport with the Countrey Gentlewomen.

Con. Gen.

O yes, I am old dog at that, I am too hard for 'em all at it, d'e see.

to Emilia.

But Madam now we talk of the Countrey, how do you think you can like a Countrey life?

Emil.

O rarely! I can't chuse, to fill ones belly with Curds and Cream, and stewd Prunes, to eat Honey-comb, and Rashers of Bacon at poor neighbours houses, and Rise by five a clock in the Morning to look to my dayry.

Co. Gent.

O rare how we shall cotten together, as the saying is, I love a good huswife with all my hea••t, but Madam, I have a cast of Hawkes, and five couples of Spaniels too, oh Madam, if you saw my beloved Bitch Venus, you would be in love with her, shee's the best at a Retrieve of any Bitch in England d'e see.

Emil.

Is he here? this is Heaven to me to see him after my late afflictions.

aside.

Enter Stanford and Roger.

Gent.

To the Cou.

Sir I have some bus'ness will engage me half an hour, pray will you avoid my sight in the mean time.

Cou. Gent.

I will forsooth, I'le go see my horses fed the while.

Emil.

This is a modester fool then the others I am troubl'd with, but if my father had been here I shou'd not so easily have got rid of him—What are you come agen?

to Stanf.

Stanf.

Ay, ay, too soon I am sure.

Emil.

Are you not very foppish that you did not stay longer then?

Stanf.

This accusation becomes you well indeed.

Emil.

Why not Sir?

Stanf.

Alas, you are not impertinent, no, no, not you!

Emil.

I am sure you are: what can this mean?

Stanf.

You were never pleas'd with Woodcocks damn'd voice yet, not Ninny's ridiculous Poetry, not you?

Emil.

Not more, than your self.

Stanf.

No, no, you were not pleas'd with them you did not praise 'em, nor entertain the other Two Fools with kindness, no not you?

Emil.

What a ridiculous thing 'twas of you not to tell me this in one word.

Oh Heaven! are they here!

Stanf.

How soon you can counterfeit the humour.

Enter Sir Positive and Lady Vaine.

Sir Pos.

You see, I am as good as my word Stanford.

La. Va.

You See, Madam, how ready I am to wait on your Ladi∣ship.

Emil.

Ay, to my cost I thank you.

Stanf.

She thinks I am so easily bit as to take this for a satis∣faction, but I am too old to be deceiv'd agen.

aside.

Enter Lovell and Carolina.

Lov.

Now Madam to our bus'ness, if we don't put'em out of this humour, 'tis strange.

Car.

However let's use our lawful Endeavours towards it.

Enter Woodcock and Ninny.

Wood. and Ninn.

Sing Repeat.

together.

Wood.

'Slife Sir, I'le teach you to trouble this Lady with your pitiful ••imes.

Ninn.

You teach me, nay, if you provoke me before Company you shall find me a Lion.—

they draw.

Wood.

Have at y'e, Dear Heart.

Sir Pos.

Hold Woodcock! why shou'd you disparage Poet Ninny, He's a man of admirable parts, and as cunning a fellow between you and I Stanford, I believe he's a Jesuite, but I am sure he's a jansenist.

Wood.

He a Jesuite, that understands neither Greek nor La∣tine.

Sir Posit.

Now he talkes of that, Stanford, I'le tell thee what a Master I am of those Languages; I have found out in the Pro∣gress

of my Study, I must confess with some diligence, four and twenty Greek and Latine words for Black Puddens & Sausages.

Wood.

Think to huff me? I cou'd show you a matter of 200 wounds I got when I was a Volunteer aboard the Cambridge, Dear Heart, wou'd make you swound to look upon 'em.

Sir Posit.

Cambridge, well that Cambridge is a good ship, and do you know, Stanford, that I understand a Ship better then any thing in the World.

Stanf.

Do you speak, Madam, you are pleas'd with this—

—To Emil.

Emil.

Methinks you are as troublesome as he.

Sir Posit.

You may talk of your Petts and your Deanes, ••le build a Ship with any of e'm for 10000. pound.

Emil.

VVhat will become of me, for if I shou'd goe, they wou'd follow me.

Lovel.

This is extreamly well Painted.—

Shewes a pi∣cture to Ca∣rolina.

Sir. Posit.

Painted? VVhy? Do you under∣stand Painting?

Lovel.

Not I Sir.

Sir Posit.

I do; if you please leave that to me: 'Tis true, Mi∣chael Angelo, Titian, Raphael, Tintaret, and Iulio Romano, and Paulo Veronese were very pretty hopeful Men; but I wou'd you saw a Peice of mine, I shew'd you my Magdalen, Emilia, and I protest I drew that in half an houre.

Emil.

O! VVhat shall I do to get rid of all these Tormen∣tors.

Stanf.

I cannot but like this Woman, yet what ere's the mat∣ter; and yet I am sure she is impertinent.

aside

Sir Posit.

Let me see. H. H.—Oh Deare! Hans Holbin, here are Stroakes, here's Mastery; well, no man in England shall de∣ceive me in Hans Holbins hand, take that from me.

La. Vain.

to Emilia.

O' my Conscience, Madam, this Gentleman un∣derstands every thing in the World.

Carol.

In good earnest, L••vel, that's very pleasant Han's Hol∣bin; why 'tis a new Sign for my Landlord, finish'd but yester∣day, that cost him a Noble the Painting, done by a Fellow that Paints Posts, and Railes, one Humphrey Hobson, and he calls him Hans-Holbin.

Rog.

Indeed Mr. Woodcock, fifty miles in a day was well run.

Wo••d.

'I faith was't Dear Heart.

Sir Posit.

Run; why, Why will you pretend to running in my Company; you run, why I have run sixty miles in a day by a La∣dies Coach, that I fell in Love withall in the streets, just as she was going out of Town, Stanford; and yet I vow to thee I was not breath'd at all that time.

Lovel.

to Carol.

There's Knight Errantry for you, Madam, let any of your Romances match me that now.

VVood.

to La. Vain.

'Tis true, Madam, Sir Positive and Poet Ninny are excellent men, and brave Bully-Rocks; But they must grant, that neither of e'm understand Mathematicks but my self.

Sir Posit.

Mathematicks; why, Whose that talkes of Ma∣thematicks, let e'm alone, let e'm alone: Now you shall see Stanford.

VVood.

Why, 'twas I Dear Heart.

Sir Posit.

I dear heart, quoth 'a; I don't think you under∣stand the principles on't; 'o my Conscience you are scarce come so farr yet as the squaring of the Circle, or finding out the Longitude Mathematicks: Why this is the onely thing I value my selfe upon in the World Cozen Emilia.

Emil.

Heav'n! deliver me.

Stan.

Curse on e'm all.—Well, there must be something more in this Woman then I imagine.

Ninny

to Emilia.

No man in England playes better upon the Cit∣tern then I do, aske George my Barbor else, Madam, he's a great Judge.

Sir Posit.

Cittern, Cittern! Who nam'd a Cittern there? Who was't▪ Who was't?

Ninn.

Now am I affraid to speak to him, he does so snub one: ••Twas I and please you Sir Positive

Sir Posit.

You talke of a Cittern before me? when I invented the Instrument.

Lov. VVo••dcock.

—Stand up to him in Mathematicks; To him.

VVood.

Say you so, well then, By the Lord Harry, Sir Positive, I do understand Mathematicks better then you; and I lye over against the Rose-Taverne in Coven-Garden, Deart Heart.

Sir Posit.

I will justify with my Sword that you understand nothing at all on't—Draw.

VVood.

Nay, hold, hold, I have done Bully-Rock, if you be so angry; but it's a hard case you won't give a man leave to understand a little Mathematicks in your Company, Deare Heart.

Sir Posit.

Pox on't, I have told thee often enough of this, thou wilt still be putting thy self forward to things thou do'st not understand.

Emil.

This Impudence is beyond all example, and there is no possibility of getting from e'm.

Carol.

I'le tell you one thing, Cozen, you cannot under∣stand.

Sir Posit.

I'le be hang'd then.

Carol.

You cannot Cheat at Dice.

Sir Posit.

Ha, ha; Why you don't know me sure, you never heard of me.

Lov.

Metaphysicks.

Sir Posit.

Faith, well thought on, Lovel, prethee put me in mind of that presently, if I don't give you that account of Me∣taphisicks shall make you stare agen, cut my throat: But, as I hope to live, Stanford, 'tis a strange thing Carolina shou'd be so neer a Kin to me and not know me! False Dice, I have spent my time very well indeed, if any man out-does me in that; for your Goades, your High Fullams, and Low Fullams, your Cater Deuse Ace, and your Size Cater-Deuse, your sinke Trey Ace, your Barr Cater-Trey, your Barr-Sink-Deuse, your Barr-Sise-Ace, and all that, when I have study'd e'm these sixteen years—Co∣zen Emilia, you know this, don't you?

Emil.

Oh horrid! What will become of me?

Stanf.

Sure I was mistaken, for this must be a Woman of sence, I love her extreamly, I wou'd I did not.

Sir Posit.

But what was that, Lovel, I desir'd you to put me in mind of?

Lov.

Leger, De-Maine.

Sir Posit.

Good, there 'tis now; I had thought I had kept that quality to my self of all things in the World: sure the De∣vil must help thee, Lovel, How coud'st thou come to know that I understood Leger-de-maine else? why, I'le perform all Tricks of Leger-de maine with any man in England, let him be what he will; For the Cups and Balls, Iack-in-a-Pulpit, St. Andrewes-Cross.

Carol.

Undoubtedly, Lovel, Cardinal Mazarine was a great States-man.

Sir Posit.

States-man do you say? Cardinal Mazarine a States-man? well, I will say nothing of my self for that; no, I am no States-man: But, you may please to remember, who was bob'd at Ostend, ha, ha, What say you Stanford?

Emil.

O Heaven! Can you contrive no way of esca∣ping?

Stanf.

Let's e'ne try what we can do, for we had better be with one another then with these Fooles.

Sir Posit.

Betwixt you and I, was the man that manag'd all that business against him.

La. Vain.

Good lack a day, Madam, this Gentleman has a bottomless understanding.

Ninn.

He's a very rare man, and has great power and imagina∣tion.

Wood.

As any man in Europe, deare heart.

Sir Posit.

This very thing has made me so famous all over Eu∣rope, that I may be at this instant Chiefe Minister of State in Russia, but the truth on't is, Stanford, I expect that neerer home.

Rog.

Iacob Halls a most admirable Rope-Dancer, Mr. Wood∣cock.

Sir Posit.

Honest Roger! How the Devil coud'st thou find me out in that, Iacob Hall has told thee, has he not? I thought he wou'd ha' kept that to himself; but I taught him, nay, I taught the Turke himself.

Lov.

Hey, from a States-man to a Rope-Dancer, What a leap was there?

Carol.

My Maid is excellent at Pastry.

Sir. Posit.

Ha, why there tis▪ now upon my Honour I understand this ten times better then any thing I have spoke off yet, Pastery, why, the Devil take me if I would not be content never to eate pye but of my own making as long as I live; I'le tell you, when I was but four years old, I had so rich a fancy, and made such extraordinary dirt pies, that the most eminent Cookes in all Lon∣don, wou'd come and observe me, to steal from me.

La. Vain.

I beseech you, Madam Emilia, take notice of Sir Positive, he is a Prodigy of understanding.

Sir Posit.

Ah Madam, 'tis your pleasure to say so; but 'twas this made me skilful in the art of Building, which is the onely Art I am proud of in the World; I••le tell you, Stanford, I have seventeen Modells of the City of London of my own making 〈◊〉〈◊〉 the worst of e'm makes London an other-guess London then 〈◊〉〈◊〉 like to be; but no man in England has those Modells of Houses that I have.

Stan.

This affliction is beyond all example; why the Devil do'st thou provoke him to this?

Lovel.

Were it not a ridiculous thing of me not to please my self?

Stan.

That's true; but, What will become of us in the mean time?

Emil.

Heaven knows this door's lock'd, and there's no esca∣ping at the other.

Sir. Posit.

I'le tell you, Madam, the other day a damn'd old Rat eate me up a Dining-roome and Withdrawing-Cham∣ber worth Fifty pound.

Carol.

A Rat eate up a Dining-Roome and Withdrawing-Room, How cou'd that be?

Emil.

O fy, Sister, it's no matter how; why, Will you aske him?

Sir Posit.

Why, I make all my Modells of Houses in Paste; I vow to Gad I am asham'd to tell you how much it costs me in a year in Milk, Meale, Eggs and Butter.

La. Vain.

Dear Sir Positive, I think you understand more the•• ever Solamon did.

Sir Posit.

No, no, Madam, alass not I, I understand little, but I'le tell you, Madam, what was said of me the other day, by some great persons that shall be nameless.

La. Vain.

What was that, Sir?

Sir Posit.

That I was a man of the most universal knowledge of any man in England; but without comparison the best Po∣et in Europe.

Carol.

—Now Lovel to your poast.

Lov.

Navigation.

Sir Pos.

Navigation d'ye talk of?

Carol.

Geography.

Sir Pos.

Geography d'ye talk of?

Lov.

Astronomy.

Sir Pos.

Astronomy d'ye talk of?

Carol.

Palmestry.

Lov.

Phisick.

Car.

Divinity.

Lov.

Surgery.

Car.

Arithmetick.

Lov.

Logick.

Car.

Cookery.

Lov.

Magick.

Lovel & Ca∣••olina speak so fast one after another, that Sir Positive turns himself first to one, then to ano∣ther, & has not time to speak to them.

Sir Posit.

Hold, hold, hold, hold!

Navigation, Geography, Astronomy, Palmestry, Phisick, Divi∣nity, Surgery, Arithmetick, Logick, Cookery and Magick: I'le speak to every one of these in their order; if I don't understand e'm every one in perfection, nay, if I don't Fence, Dance, Ride, Sing, Fight a Duel, speak French, Command an Army, play on the Violin, Bag-pipe, Organ, Harp, Hoboy, Sackbut, and double Curtal, speak Spanish, Italian, Greek, Hebrew, Dutch, Welch and Irish, Dance a Jigg, throw the Barr, Swear, Drink, Swag∣ger, VVhore, Quarrel, Cuffe, break Windowes, manage Af∣fairs of State, Hunt, Hawke, Shoot, Angle, play at Catt, Stool∣ball, Scotch-hopp and Trap-ball, Preach, Dispute, make Speeches.—

Coughs.

Prethee get me a glass of small beere, Roger.

Stanf.

Hell and Fu••ies.

Emil.

Oh, oh,—

They run.

Sir Posit.

Nay, hold, I have not told you halfe, if I don't do all these, and fifty times mo••e, I am the greatest Owle, Pimp, Monkey, Jack-a-napes, Baboon, Rascal, O••fe, Ignoramus, Log∣gerhead, ••ur-dog, Block-head, Buffoone, Jack-pudden, Tony, or what you will; spit upon me, kick me, cuff me, lugg me by

the eares, pull me by the Nose, tread upon me, and despise me more then the World now values me.—

Ex. omnes, and he goes out talking as fast as he can.