The sullen lovers, or, The impertinents a comedy acted by His Highness the Duke of Yorkes servants / written by Tho. Shadwell.

ACT. III.

Enter Stanford, Emilia, Sir Positive, Lady Vaine, Woodcock and Ninny.

Sir Pos.

NAy then Cozen, I am an Ass, an Ideot, a Blockhead and a Rascal, if I don't under∣stand Drammatique Poetry of all things in the World; why this is the onely thing I am esteem'd for in England.

Emil.

I can hold no longer.

aside.

This Rudeness of yours amazeth me; 'Tis beyond all Example, must we be perpetually persecuted by you and your Crew. For Heav'ns sake leave me.

Sir Pos.

Ha, ha, ha: Coz, thou railliest well; 'Tis true, Woodcock and Ninny will be a little troublesome sometimes; but 'ifaith they are very Honest fellows 'Give e'm their due.

Emil.

Oh abominable! Worse and worse.

Stanf.

to Ninny and Wood.

Gentlemen! what Obligation have we to indure your folly any longer, must we be forc'd to leave the World for such importunate fools as you are?

Ninny.

What a Devil ayles he? he's mad; who does he mean by this?

Wood.

Nay faith I don't know, I am sure he does not mean me, Dear Heart.

Ninny.

Nor me neither; Take that from me.

Wood.

Iack if thou wilt leave the World, I'le go along with thee as I told thee, Dear Heart; but who is't troubles thee now Bully-Rock?

Stanf.

All of ye; ye are a pack of the most insupportable fools That e're had breath, I had rather be at a Bear-Garden Then be in your Company.

Ninn.

Ha, ha, ha: This is very pleasant ifaith: Call the greatest VVits and Authors of the Nation fools, Ha, ha, ha. That's good ifaith.

Wood.

Nay, perhaps the greatest men of the Age: you are a great Judge indeed, &c.

Lady Vaine.

Nay Sir Positive e'en leave her (don't be trouble∣some) since she desires you: Come Madam, I'le wait upon you, whither you please: wee'l enjoy our selves in private.

Emil.

This is worst of all; Do you think I can suffer the Noyse of your Tongue forever with patience?

La. Vain.

O'my Conscience Sir Positive she's distracted.

Sir Pos.

Yes Madam, if I be a judge she is, and I defie any one to deceive me in this.

La. Vaine.

It must be so, for she has a vast deal of wit, and great wits you know have always a Mixture of Madness.

Sir Pos.

Well Madam! I found that by my self, for I was about three years ago as mad as ever man was; I 'scap'd Bedlam very narrowly, 'tis not above a twelve-moneth since my brains were settl'd again: But come, Madam, I'le wait on your Ladiship, for she do's not deserve the honour of such Company.

La. Vain.

What shall I do? to get rid of him, I shall miss my assignation, if I do not.

Sir Pos.

Come, Madam— Fare you well! since you are no better Company—

Ex. Sir Pos. and La. Vain.

Ninn.

So, so, now we shall be a little at rest: for let me tell you Madam, though Sir Positive be a rare man, yet my Lady Vaine is a little too talkative, and there can be no greater Trouble to one of sence then that.

Emil.

You are the most impertinent of all Mankind.

Ninn.

Oh Madam! you are pleas'd to say so—

Emil.

You are a most abominable fool, and the worst Poet in Christendom: I had rather read the History of Tom Thumb then the best of your Poems.

Ninn.

Oh Madam! you are pleasant, but this won't pass,

Emil.

Such ridiculous insipid Rhimes are you Author of, That I am confident you are that incorrigible scribbler that fur∣nishes the Bell-man of this Ward.

Ninn.

Ha, ha, ha, &c. Madam: as I hope to breath you droll very well, this is the pretty'st humour in the World.

Enter Lovell and Carolina.

Stanf.

O Heav'n! what will become of me?

Car.

Is not this extremely pleasant?

Lov.

There was never any thing equal to't.

Emil.

Your Verses are such as School-boyes ought to be whipp'd for.

Ninn.

This will not stir me; Madam, I know you are not in Earnest.

Emil.

And your Playes are below the Dignity of a Mounte∣banks stage. Salvator Winter wou'd have refus'd them.

Ninn.

Nay, Madam, never talk of that, I'le shew you a Play I have about me: Come, Madam, wee'l read it, here's the most glorious conceits, the most powerful touches, in a word, 'tis a Play that shall Read and Act with any Play that ever was born, I mean, conce••ved.

Wood.

Come on Iack!

Stanf.

Ah! Dear Lovell! use some means for my delivery, or I am ruin'd for ever: for if I shou'd go they wou'd not leave me, they are so barbarously cruel in their persecutions.

Wood.

Nay, never speak of that Madam, before George you will bring your Judgement in question if you condemn Ninny's Playes Dear Heart.

Emil.

Away you Coxcomb, you are ten times a more Ridicu∣lous' Squire then he's a Poet.

Wood.

Ha, ha, ha. By the Lord Harry this is a strange humour of hers as ever I saw in my life: Well Madam you will have your frolick, but come Ninny, wee'l e'en take our leaves.

Ninn.

Ay, ay, come, your humble servants.

Wood.

Your servant, Dear Hearts, this is the pleasant'st humor in the World.

Ninn.

Ay, is't not? ha, ha, ha—

Ex. Ninn. and Woodcock laughing.

Stanf.

O Friend, I have been more inhumanely us'd then ever Bawd was by the fury of the 'Prent••ces.

Lov.

Still I say laugh at 'em as I do.

Car.

Let's leave 'em Lovell, for they are in such humours, they are onely fit for one anothers Company.

Lov.

With all my heart, Madam—

Ex. Lovell & Car••lina▪

Emil.

Well! I will leave the World immediately.

Stanf.

Which way do you intend to go?

Emil.

Why do you ask?

Stanf.

That I may be sure to take another way.

Emil.

Nothing could so soon perswade me to tell you as that.

Stanf.

What are they gone? they have lock'd the door too!

Emil.

I wonder what they leave us alone for.

Stanf.

Heav'n knows, unless it be to be troublesome to one an∣other as they have been to us.

They walk up and down and take lit∣tle notice of one another.

Emil.

I am sure I have most reason to fear it.

Stanf.

You most reason? when did you see a man so foolish as a Woman?

Emil.

When I see you.

Stanf.

No, no, none of our sex will dispute folly with yours.

Emil.

That's hard, I find nothing but Owls among the best of you; your young men are all positive, forward, conceited Cox∣combs, and your old men all formall nothings, that wou'd have their sullen gravi••y mistaken for wisdom.

Stanf.

This is not altogether so much Impertinence as I ex∣pected from one of your sex, but let me tell you, I have too often suffer'd by Women, not to fear the best of 'em, there being no∣thing to be found in most of the sex, but vanity, pride, envy and hypocrisie, uncertainty and giddiness of humour, the furious de∣sires of the young make 'em fit to be seduc'd by the flesh, as the envy and malice of the old prepare 'em to be led away by the Devil.

Emil.

I must confess I don't perceive yet that you are altoge∣ther so ridiculous as the rest of Mankind, but let me tell you, I have Reason to fear you will be so, perhaps your impertinence is an Ag••e that ha••nts you by fits.

Stanf.

That disease in the best of Women is quotidi••n, and if you be not infected, you must be the most Extraordinary Woman in the World.

Emil.

I would give Money to see a man that is not so as the Rabble do, to see a Monster since all men I have ever seen are

most intolerable Fops, would it not distract one to see Gentlemen of 5000 l. a year write Playes, and as Poets venture their Repu∣tations against a sum of Money, they venture theirs against No∣thing, others learn Ten years to play o' the Fiddle and to Paint, and at last an Ordinary Fiddler or Sign-Painter that makes it his bus'ness shall out-do 'em all.

Stanf.

This looks like sence, I find she does understand some∣thing.

aside.

Emil.

Others after twenty or thirty years study in Philosophy arrive no further then at the Weighing of Carps, the Invention of a travailling Wheel, or the poisoning a Cat with the oyle of Tobacco, these are your Wits and Vertuoso's.

Stanf.

I must confess this is not so ill as I expected from you; but it do's not less distract me to see a young Lady fall in Love with a vain empty fellow not worth a Groat, perhaps for dancing of a Jigge, or singing of a Stanza of fashionable Non-sence, another on the contrary so insatiably covetous, for money, to marry old age, infirmity, and diseases, and the same bait that per∣swades 'em to Matrimony shall entice 'em into Adultery.

Emil.

This is not so foppish as I believ'd, yet though this be a great Truth, 'tis a very impertinent thing of you to tell me what I know already.

Stanf.

How the D••vil should I know that, I am sure not many of your sex are guilty of so much discretion as to discern these things.

Emil.

I am sure you have not much that cannot distinguish between those that have and have not.

Stanf.

I must confess I am a little surpriz'd to find a Woman have so little vanity, I could never indure the Society of any of the sex better then yours.

Emil.

To be plain with you, you are not so troublesome •• ••op as I have seen.

Stanf.

What the Devil makes me think this Woman not im∣pertinent? and yet I cannot help it, what an Owl am I?

aside.

Emil.

I have been so cruelly tormented, and without inter∣mission too, that this seems some Refreshment to me.

Stanf.

Why should I be catch'd thus, but I'le keep my folly to my self▪—

aside.

I can bear this with a little more patience; but if you

To her.

should grow much Impertinent, I shou'd venture to break open the Doore for my Liberty, I can assure you.

Emil.

Pray Heaven you don't give me the first occasion

[to him.

Well I know not what's the matter, but I like this man strange∣ly; but, What a Fool am I?

Stan.

How like a Woodcock am I ins••ar'd; a

[To himself, to him▪

Curse on Lovel for leaving me alone with her.

Emil.

VVhat do they intend to keep us prisoners forever.

Stan.

I care not how long;

[Aside.

I think they intend to deal with us as they do with

[To her.

Juries, shut us up till we agree of our Verdict.

Emil.

That would be longer then the Seige of Tr••y 〈◊〉〈◊〉.

Stan.

This is not half so bad though as our late persecutions, That's one Comfort.

Emil.

It fares with me like one upon a R••ck, that is a little loossen'd from his paines; 'tis pleasure to him when he compares his torments, though those he has left may be intollerable too.

Stanf.

In this we agree, though in nothing else.

Emil.

I wou'd to Heaven we did in all things; I am

[Aside.

tormented with my self, that am forc'd by the Ridiculous Custom of Women to dissemble, and that way indure my own foppery— Ah dear Stanford.

[Aside.

Stanf.

How now! she smil'd, and suddenly check'd the Li∣berty she took.

[Aside.

Emil.

O Heaven! I fear he has discover'd something.

[Aside.

Stan.

There must be something in't, I like her very well, but am resolv'd not to disclose it what e're comes on't; for, that will make her vain, though she be not already.

[aside.

Emili.

Why don't you break open the door, Sir,

Stan.

I don't find much reason for't yet.

Emili.

I could find in my heart to give you enough.

Stan.

Nay, I doubt not but 'tis in your Nature. What can the meaning of this be? Is there nothing but Riddle in Wo∣man?

aside.

Roger.

Hold, hold, Mr. Huffe: my Master charg'd me of all men living to keep you out of his sight.

Enter Huffe and ••nlocks the door, and Roger after him, & lays hold on him.

Huffe.

Prethee stand by you sawcy Coxcomb.

Roger.

Nay, Sir, be not so boisterous; upon my word you pass no further.

Huffe.

Prethee (dear Roger) do'nt put this upon me.

Roger.

My Master sayes it costs him two pieces a time to be rid of you.

Huffe.

Prethee let me go, and you shall go my halfes.

Roger.

Are you in earnest?

Huffe.

Yes upon my Honour.

Roger.

Nay then speed yee, but be sure you sinke no∣thing.

[exit Roger.

Huffe.

I warrant you.

Stan.

Is he here! hold, hold, hold, here's your two peices, don't trouble me now.

Huffe.

Your humble Servant, I'le returne e'm again to mor∣row without faile: Ha! Do they come so easily; there are more from whence these came: O Sir, I'le tell you, I have had the severest fortune that ever man had.

Stan.

Away, away.

Huffe.

For Heaven's sake hear, it's the most prodigious thing you ever heard.

Emil.

What will this World come to?

Huffe.

I was playing at Back-Gammon for my Dinner, which I won; and from thence we came to five up for half a piece; of the first set I had three for love and lost it▪ of the second I Gam∣mon'd him, and threw Doublets at last, which you know made fou••, and lost that too; of the third I won never a Game.

Stanf.

O Devil! Is this the Miraculous thing you would tell me, Fare-well.

Huffe.

Hold, hold, Sir! you don't hear the end on't.

Stan.

Nor do I desire it, Sir.

Huffe.

I'le tell you, Sir, of the fourth set I was four to two, and for the last game my Tables were fill'd up, and I had born my thr••e odd men, so that you know I had two upon every point.

Emili.

O insufferable! though I feel enough my self, yet I cannot but pitty Stanford.

[to her self.

Stan.

O Damn'd Impertinence! Sir, I tell you, I don't under∣stand Back-Gamon.

Huffe.

Not understand Back-Gamon: Sir, that you may un∣derstand well what I say, I'le tell you what Back-Gamon is.

Emili.

This is worse then t'other: sure Stanford has some Charme about him, that I can suffer this rather then leave him.

[to her self.

Stan.

I desire none of your Instructions.

Huffe.

Well: then as I was a saying, I had just two upon every point, and he had two Men to enter; and as the Devil wou'd have it, my next throw was Size-Ace; he enter'd one of his Men a Size; then Mr. Stanford, to see the Damn'd luck on't, I threw Size-Sinke next, and the very next throw he en∣ter'd upon a Sink, and having his Game very backward, won the Game, and afterwards he Set so, that I lost every penny.

Stanford.

This will distract me; VVhat the Devill's this to me?

Huffe.

No: but did you ever hear the like in your life?

Stan.

This puts me beyond all patience.

Huffe.

But this was not all; for just in the Nick came she that Nurs'd my three last Children that were born without Wed∣lock, and threaten'd to turn e'm upon my hands if I did not pay her.—'Faith Mr. Stanford three Pieces more will do my business; upon my Honour I'le pay you to morrow: Come will you Communicate?

Stan.

Yes that, that's fitter for you—

Huffe.

VVhat is that Dear Heart?

Stanf.

'Tis that Sir▪—

[kicks him.

Huffe.

That Sir, I don't understand you; if you go to that Sir: There's a business indeed. VVhat do you mean by this? VVhat would you make a quarrel, Sir? You'l never leave th••se tricks: I have told you of e'm often enough. What the Devil do you mean by that?

Stan.

Let this expound my meaning.—

Kick•• him agen:

Huffe.

'Slife, Sir, I don't understand you: and ye talk of these things, and these businesses, Sir, I'de have you know, I scorn to

be kick'd as much as any man breathing, Sir; and you be that Sport, your Servant, your Servant, Sir.

Enter Roger at the Door.

Roger.

Come Mr. Huffe, Divide.

Huffe.

Divide! There's one for you, for two of e'm was all I got.

Gives Roger a Kick.

Roger.

This you might have kept to your self if you had pleas'd, but, D'ye think I'le be serv'd thus?

Huffe.

Let me go.

Rog.

I'le not leave you so.—

Exit Roger and Huffe.

Emil.

Why do'nt you go? the Doores open now, Sir.

Stan.

I am affraid I shall light into worse Company.

Emili.

O Sir, that's impossible!

Stan.

How vain this is of you; now would you give me a fair occasion to flatter you, but I can assure you, you shall miss of your design.

Emil.

Well, this is an extraordinary man; I love the

[Aside.

very sight of him: I wonder, Sir, you'l be so foppish to

[To him.

imagine I love to be flatter'd; I hate flatterers worse then our new Poets

Stan.

What an Owle am I to like this Woman! sure I am bewitch'd.

Emil.

Aside.

Well, Sir, Farewell: and yet I would not leave him.

She offers to go out.

Stan.

You'd e'n as good stay, Madam, while you are well: you may perhaps if you go, incounter some of your Persecu∣tors.

Emil.

I'de rather stay here then venture that; my trouble is not here so insupportable.

Stan.

She must be a rare Woman!

[Aside.

Nor perhaps is not like to be, unless it comes from your

[To her.

self▪ But I think there's less vanity in you then in most women I have seen.

Emil.

This is a most excellent person.

[Aside.

Stan.

Dear Emilia.

[Aside.

O Heaven! Is he here?

Enter Sir Positive.

Sir Posit.

Iack; Hark ye.

Stan.

For Heaven's sake! I have business.

Sir Posit.

'Tis all one for that, Sir; Why I'le tell you.

Stan.

Another time; I beseech you don't interrupt me now.

Sir Posit.

'Faith but I must interrupt you.

Emilia.

What can be the matter he listens to him.

[Aside.

Stan.

'Slife, Why should you put this upon me now.

Sir Posit.

If you refuse me, I'le blast your Reputation.

Stan.

What shall I do? though this be a Coxcombly-Knight, yet the Puppies stout; are you so cunning in

[To him.

persecuting me, to put a thing upon me I cannot refuse: well Sir, remember this.

Emil.

What can this mean?

[Aside.

Stan.

Come, Sir, I'le follow you, but a Curse upon you for finding me out: Madam, assoon as I have dispatch'd this busi∣ness, 'tis possible I may see you agen.

Emili.

But 'tis not, I'le assure you; I'le never see the Face of one, that has so little sence to be seduc'd by such an Ideot as that is.

Stanf.

How ridiculous is this of you, to Judge of a thing be∣fore you know the Bottom on't.

Sir Posit.

Come, Stanford, 'prethee come away

[Exeunt.

Emil.

Have I found you? this Fellows as bad as any, and without doubt did but Counterfeit his humour, to insinuate him∣self into my good opinion. What lucky Accident is this has undeceiv'd me? I felt a passion growing in me might else have prov'd dangerous—Luce—

[enter Luce.

Luce.

Madam.

Emil.

Fetch my Hoods and Scarfes, I'le take a walk in the Fields.

[exit Luce.

Carol.

How Sister! What have you lost your Gallant:

Enter Lovell and Caroli••••

Emil.

O Sister, I thank you for locking me up with that Fel∣low; well, the time may come when I may be quit with you.

[exit.

Carol.

I wonder how the Door came open; I believe there

has been hard bickering betwixt e'm: but, I find my Sister is Conqueror, and your Friend is fled for the same.

Lov.

Fare well he, let us mind our selves. Come, 'Faith Madam, Why should you and I hover so long about this Ma∣trimony; Like a Cast of Faulcons about a Hern that dare not stoop.

Ca••ol.

O Sir, the Quarry does not Countervaile the Dan∣ger.

Lov.

I'le warrant you, Madam; but let's railly no longer, there is a Parson at Knights-bridge that yoakes all stray People together, we'll to him, he'l dispatch us presently, and send us away as lovingly as any two Fooles that ever yet were con∣demn'd to Marriage.

Caro.

I should be inclinable enough to cast my self upon you; but I am affraid you are gone so far with my Lady Vaine, you can never come off with Honour: Besides, I am sure, what e're you say, you cannot so soon forget your kindness to her; and if af∣ter we are yoak'd, as you call it, you should draw that way, I should draw another; and then our Yoak would go neer to Throttle us.

Lovel.

Faith some would think it much the easier if 'twere wide enough to draw both wayes: But Madam, Will you never be serious with me?

Carol.

I know you cannot love me, she's your delight.

Lov.

Yes, yes, I delight in her as I do in the Tooch-Ache; I love her immoderately, as an English Taylor loves a French Taylor that's set up the next door to him.

Carol.

Sir, to keep you no longer in suspence, I am resolv'd never to Marry without my Fathers Consent.

Lov.

Madam, I'le not despair of obtaining that.

Carol.

He has Vow'd never to Marry me till he has dispos'd of my Elder Sister.

Lov.

Will you assure me to make me happy when that's done?

Carol.

I think I may safely promise any thing against that time; for, as long as my Sister has these Mellanchollick-Hu∣mors, she's far enough from that danger.

Lov.

I'le warrant you I'le make a Match yet between Stan∣ford and her.

Carol.

That's impossible, unless you can alter their Natures▪ for though neither finds Impertinence in themselves, they I find it in one another: besides, their very Principles are against all Society.

Lov.

Well, Madam, I have a way to make e'm stark mad in love with one another; or at least fetch e'm out of their Sullen∣ness: We will perpetually bait e'm with our Fooles, and by that we shall either plague e'm out of their humour, or at least make their fellow-sufferings be a meanes to endeare e'm one to ano∣ther.

Exeunt.

Enter Sir Positive, Standford, and two Clerks.

Sir Posit.

Now will I firke my two Clerks.

2 Clerk.

But, Sir, before we engage, I would satisfie my Con∣science whether the Cause be just or no?

Stan.

Hang the Cause, we come to fight.

Sir Posit.

Why, I'le tell you the Cause, Sir.

Stan.

By no meanes, Sir Positive, we come to fight here, not to tell stories.

Sir Posit.

Wee'l fight too; but by your leave I'le tell the Cause first, and you were my Father.

Stan.

Hold, Sir, think upon your Honour, this is no place for Words; Let your Sword speak your Mind.

Sir Posit.

Sir, by your Pardon, I am resolv'd to satisfie e'm; no man in England knows how to manage these things better then my self, take that from me.

Stan.

O horrid Impertinence, I fear these Fooles Tongues more then I can their Swords.

Sir Posit.

Sir, no man in E••gland would put up this aff••ont; Why look you, Sir, for him to sit in the Eighteen Pence Gallery, pray mark me, and rail at my Play alowd the first day, and did all that lay in his power to damn it: And let me tell you, Sir, if in any Drammatick Poem there has been such breaks, such Characters, such Figures, such Images, such Heroick Patterns, such Heights,

such Flights, such Intrigues, such Surprizes, such Fire, Salt, and Flame, then I am no Judge: I understand nothing in this World.

Stanf.

What a Cause his Valour has found out; and how he Cants too; What an Owle was I to come along with him; Sir Positive dispatch. Come, come, Gentlemen.

Sir Pos.

Hold a little—

2 Clerk.

VVhy look you Mr. Timothy, this is a very honest and in enious Gentleman for ought I see.

1 Clerk.

'Tis true, I sate in the Eighteen Pence Gallery, but I was so far from Railling against your Play, that I cry'd it up as high as I could.

Sir Posit.

How high did you cry it up?

1 Clark.

Why as high as the upper Gallery, I am sure of that.

Stanf.

O Cowardly Currs! Will they never fight: Y'e ly, y'e did Rail at his Play.

1 Clerk.

Sir, I'le hold you twenty pound I don't lie; Sir, Were you there? Did you hear me? This is the strangest thing in the Wo••ld.

Stanf.

Will nothing make these Rogues fight? You are both Rascally Cowards.

2 Clerk.

'Tis strange you should say so, you are very uncha∣ritable; Do you know either of us?

Stan.

Oh insufferable! What Sons of VVhores has he pick'd up, and what an occasion too?

Sir Posit.

VVhy do you say, you did not Raile; Did not I sit just under you in the Pit?

2 Clerk.

Lord! VVho would expect to see a Poet in the Pitt at his own Play?

Sir Posit.

Did not you say, Fy upon't, that shall not pass!

Stan.

Gentlemen! either Fight quickly.—

Sir Posit.

Hold hold, let him speak; VVhat can you say? Do Gentlemen VVrite to oblige the VVorld, and do such as you traduce e'm—ha—

1 Clerk.

Sir, I'le tell you, you had made a Lady in your Play so unkind to her Lover (who methought was a very honest well-meaning-Gentleman) to command him to hang himself;

Said I then that shall not pass, thinking indeed the Gentleman would not have done it, but he indeed did it, then said I fy up∣on't that he should be so much over-taken.

Sir Posit.

Overtaken! that's good 'ifaith, why you had as good call the Gentleman fool: and 'tis the best Character in all my Play. De'think I'le put that up.

1 Clerk.

Not I Sir as I hope to live; I would not call the Gentleman Fool for all the World, but 'tis strange a man must pay eighteen pence, and must not speak a word for't.

Sir Pos.

Not when Gentlemen write; take that from me.

2 Clerk.

No, I would they would let it alone then.

aside.

Sir Pos.

But Stanford it would make an Authour mad to see the Invincible Ignorance of this age, now for him to hang him∣self at the Command of his Mistress there's the surprize, and I'le be content to hang my self, if ever that was shewn upon a stage before, besides 'twas an Heroick Cato-like Action, and there's great Love and Honour to be shewn in a mans hanging himself for his Mistress, take that from me.

Stanf.

O horrid! this Magisterial Coxcomb will defend any thing.

Sir Pos.

What do you think Stanford, you are a great Judge?

Stanf.

I think a Halter is not so honourable as a Ponyard, and therefore not so fit to express Love and Honour with.

Sir Pos.

Ha, h••, ha To see your mistake now that's the onely thing in the Play I took pains for, I could have made it otherwise with ease, but I will give you seventeen reasons why a Halter's better then a Ponyard. First, I'le show you the posture of hang∣ing, look, d'ye mind me, it is the posture of a Pensive dejected Lover with his hands before him, and his head aside thus.

Stanf.

I would you had a Halter you would demonstrate it more cleerly.

Sir Pos.

'Faith, and w••••ld I had, I'de show it you to the life—but secondly—

Stanf.

Hold Sir—I am convinced, to our fighting bus'ness agen; but they have given you full satisfaction,

Let's away—

Sir Posit.

No, no, hold a little.

Stanf.

A Curse on him! did I leave Emilia for this?

Sir Pos.

Sir, if you'l see your hand to this Certificate 〈◊〉〈◊〉 satisfy'd, otherwise you must take what follows.

1 Clerk.

Sir! with all my heart, I'le do any thing to serve you.

Sir Pos.

I had this ready on purpose, for I was resolv'd if we had fought, and I had disarm'd him, I'de have made him do't before I'de have given him his l••fe, how do you write your self?

1 Clerk.

Timothy Scribble a Justice of Peace his Clerk.

Sir Posit.

Here read it, and set your hand to it.

1 Clerk

reads

I do acknowledge and firmly believe that the play of Sir Positive Att-all Knight, call'd the Lady in the Lobster, notwithstanding it was damn'd by the Malice of the Age, shall not onely read, but it shall Act with any of Ben. Iohn∣sons and B••aumont's and Fletcher's Plays.

Sir Pos.

Hold, hold! I'le have Shakespeares in, 'slife I had like to have forgot that.

1 Clerk

reads

With all my heart.

I do likewise hereby at••est that he is no Purloiner of other mens Works, the general fame and opinion notwithstanding, and that he is a Poet, Mathematician, Divine, Statesman, Lawyer, Physitian, Geographer, Musitian, and indeed a Unus in Omnibus through all Arts and Sciences, and hereunto I have set my hand the day of

1 Clerk▪

With all my heart.

Sir Pos.

Come Sir, do you Witness it.

2 Clerk.

Ay Sir.

he sets his hand.

Sir Pos.

In presence of Iacob Dash.

1 Clerk.

Look you Sir I write an indifferent good hand, if you have any occasion to command me, inquire at the Stationers at F••rnivals Inne.—

Stanf.

Why you Impudent Rascals! how dare you; offers to come into the Field? must I be diver•••••• thus long by kick 'em. you?

Sir Pos.

Hold Sta••ford! I cannot in honour suffer that now they are my Friends, and after this satisfaction I am bound in ho∣nour to defend 'em to the last drop of blood.

Stanf.

O intolerable!

1 Clerk.

Sir! I pray be not angry! we did not come into the

〈◊〉〈◊〉 to fight, but Ma••••er Dash and I came to play a match at Trap-ball for a Dish of Steakes at Gloster-hall, and here you found us.

Sir Pos.

Have you the Confidence to talk of Trap-ball be∣fore me, nay, now you are my Enemies agen: hark you Stan∣ford I'le play with 'em both for 5 cool. why I was so eminent at it when I was a School-boy, that I was call'd Trap Positive all over the School.

Stanf.

Then farewel good Sir Positive Trap.

Sir Pos.

Dear Stanford stay but one quarter of an hour, and you shall see how I'le dishonour 'em both at Trap-ball—They talk of Trap-ball, ha, ha, ha.

Stanf.

Slife what will become of me: out of the field you in∣considerable Rascals. Must I be diverted thus by you—

They run out. Exeunt omnes.

Enter Emilia and her Maid at one Door, Ninny and Woodcock at t'other.

Emil.

I thought we might have been free here: and here are these Puppy's.

Wood.

Let's aboard of 'em, who e're they are, fa, la, la, how now Dear Hearts? by the L. Harry its pity you should walk with∣out a Couple of Servants, here's a Couple of Bully-Rocks will serve your turn, as well as Two of Buckram, Dear Hearts.

Emil.

O Heaven!—

aside.

L••ce.

Gentlemen this is very rude! we shall have them come shall thank you for't.

Ninn.

As I hope to breath Ladies you look the pretty'st in Vizard Masks of any Ladies in England.

Wood.

And now you talk of Masks, I'le show you an admirable Song upon a Vizard Mask, Dear Hearts, of Poet Ninny's making.

Emil.

Oh abominable Impudence!

Wood.

But I must beg your pardon that I cannot sing it, for I am hoarse already with singing it to the Maids of Ho∣nour.

Luce.

You sing it to the Maids of Honour?

Wood.

But if I had a Violin here, no man in England can ex∣press any thing more lusciously upon that then my self, ask Nin∣ny else.

Ninn.

Yes Ladies! he has great power upon the Violin, he has the best double Rellish in Gam-ut of any man in England, but for the little finger on the left hand no man in Europe out∣does him.

Wood.

You may believe him, Dear Hearts, for he's a great Judge of Musick, and as pretty a Poet as ever writ Couplet.

Emil.

O horrid! what's this? there's no way to scape, but to discover our selves.

they pull off their masks.

Ninn.

Emilia! what shall I do? I am undone, shee'l never own me agen.

Emil.

Farewel you Baboons, and learn better manners.

Wood.

'Slife shee'l take me for a Whore-master, I am nipt in the very blossome of my hopes.

Ninn.

For Heav'ns sake, pardon me Madam.

Emil.

Let me go.

Wood.

No Madam, wee'l wait on your Ladiship home.

Emil.

This is worse and worse.

Enter Huffe.

Huff.

Heart! if I put up this, I'le give him leave to use me worse then a Bayley that arrests in the Inns of Court.

Wood.

Why! what's the matter?

Huff.

'Slife kick a man of honour as I am, I'le pistoll him pissing against a Wall.

Luce.

Ay then or never to my knowledge.

Wood.

What's the bus'ness Dear Heart, hah?

Huff.

Sir, I'le tell you.

Emil.

This is a lucky Occasion.

Ex. Emil. Luce.

Ninn.

Are you gone, I'le follow you.

Ex. Ninn.

Huff.

I had occasion for four or five Pieces to make up a Sum with, ••nd went to borrow it of him, and he like an uncivil fellow as he was—

Wood.

What did he?

Huff.

Why I did but turn my back, and he like an ill-bred sot, gives me a kick or two of the breech, I'le cut his throat if I should meet him in a Church.

Wood.

This will be an ill bus'ness; I am sorry for my Friend Iack Stanford.— for Master Huffes honour

aside,

is disturb'd and I fear hee'l revenge it bloodily, for he under∣stands Punctilio's to a hair, but I'le endeavour to prevent it how∣ever.

Huff.

If he be above ground I'le cutt's throat for't, I'le teach him to use a man of honour thus, if he had pleas'd he might have dealt with me at another rate, as I hope to live I had a fight∣ing Sword by my side neer six foot long at that very time, and he to kick a man, P'shaw He does not understand his bus'ness, but I shall find him presently.

Ex. Huff.

Enter Ninny.

Ninn.

Pox on't Woo••cock she would not let me go with her.

Wood.

Prethee, Dear Heart, see if thou canst find I••ck Stanford in the Fields, while I go and ••eel if I can find him in the Town.

Ninn.

What's the matter?

Ninn.

'Tis a business concerns his life, Dear He••••t, ask no questions, but if you find him, bring him to the Sun.

Exit▪

Ninn.

What can this be?

But I'le go see if I can find him out, So to be sure of what I 'me now in doubt▪

Fin. Act. tertii.