The sullen lovers, or, The impertinents a comedy acted by His Highness the Duke of Yorkes servants / written by Tho. Shadwell.

ACT. I.

Enter Stanford and Roger his Man.

Stanf.

IN what Unlucky Minute was I born, To be tormented thus where e're I go? What an Impertinent age is this we live in When all the World is grown so troublesome, That I shou'd envy him that spends his dayes In some remote▪ and unfrequented Place, With none but Bears and Wolves for his Companions, And never see's the folly of Mankind.

Rog.

Good Sir be patient, let it not disturb you,

Stanford.

Patient— Thou may'st as well teach patience to a man

That has a fit oth' Collick or the Stone,

Lov.

What in a fit agen Stanford? now art

e••ter Lovel.

Thou as moody as a Poet after his Play is Damn'd.

Stanf.

Oh Lovel,

Exit Roger.

I am tormented so beyond my patience I am resolv'd to quit the World, and find Some Uninhabited place far from Converse, Where I may live as free as Nature made me.

Lov.

Why this is down right Madness, Prethee send for a Chirurgeon and open a Veine, Try what that will do; for thou wilt be as Ripe for Bedlum else as a Fanatick.

Stanf.

What would you have me do? Where e're I turn me I am baited still By some importunate Foole's that use me Worse, Then Boyes do Cocks upon Shrove-Tuesday; This makes my life so tedious and unpleasant, That rather then endure it longer I'le find out Some place in the West-Indies, where I may See a Man no oftner then a Blazing-Star.

Lov.

VVhy thou wilt come to be bound in thy Bed Stanford: 'Thank Heav'n I find nothing makes me Weary of My life, thou art scandalous; VVhy dost thou abuse This Age so? me thinks, it's as pretty an Honest Drinking-VVhoring Age as a man wou'd wish to Live in.

Stanf.

Sure, Lovel, thou wer't born without a Gaule, Or bear'st thy anger like a Useless thing, That can'st indure to live among such Fooles, As we are every Day Condemn'd to see.

Lov.

VVhere's the trouble?

Stanf.

Sure thou art Insensible, or thou woud'st not ask me, I am more restless then the Man that has A Raging Feavor on him; and like him, I change my place, thinking to ease my self; But find That which should lessen does increase my pain.

Lov.

As how Sir?

Stanf.

C••uld any man have borne but yesterdayes impertinence?

Lov▪

VVhat was that, for I have not seen you since.

Stanf.

In the morning, Coming abroad to find you out, (the onely Friend VVith whom I can enjoy my self) comes in a brisk Gay Coxcomb of the Town—O Lord, Sir, (sayes he) I am glad I've taken you within, I came on purpose To tell you the newes, d'ye hear it? then might I Reasonably expect to hear of some great Intrigue or Other; At the least that the Kings of France and Spain VVere agreed—Then after he had bid me guess Four or five times, with a great deal of amazement Sayes he: Jack-Scatterbrain comes in with ten Guinny's Last night into the Groom-porters, and Carry'd away 200, and then Teaz'd me Half an Hour, to tell me all his Throwes.

Lov.

Now, shou'd I have been pleas'd with this.

Stanf.

You make me Mad to hear you say so.

Lov.

If you are VVeary of one Company, why don't You try another? and vary your Companions as often As your Young-Gallants do their Mistresses, or The VVell-bred-Ladies their Servants.

Stanf.

VVhere e're I go I meet the same affliction: If I go Into the City, there I find a Company of Fellowes Selling of their Soules for Two-pence in the Shilling Profit.

Lovell.

You are too Satyricall.—

Stanf.

Besides, I find the very fools I avoid at this End of the Town, come thither, some to take Up Money at Ten in the hundred, what with Interest and Brokage, as they call it; others to take Up Commodities upon Tick, which they sell at half Value for ready Money, and these Inhumane Raskals I'th very midst of all their business will fix upon Me, and I am more Barbarously us'd by e'm, then a New-Poet by a Knot of Critticks.

Lov.

So Sir! go on with your Relation.

Stanf.

The other day, being tyr'd almo•••• to death with the Impertinence of Fopps that importun'd me;

For Variety, I ventur'd into a Coffee-house; There I found a Company of formal Starch'd-Fellows Talking Gravely, VVisely, and nothing to the purpose; And with undaunted Impudence discoursing of the Right of Empires; the Mannagement of Peace and VVar; And the great Intrigues of Councils; when o'my Conscience you wou'd have sooner took e'm for Tooth-Drawers then Privy-Counsellors.

Lov.

But why don't you make this Pleasant to your self, and Laugh at e'm as I do?

Stanf.

'Faith Sir, I cannot find the Jest on't.

Lov.

Yet methinks however this should not make me Uneasie to my self.

Stanf.

Sure, Lovell, you have patience more then ever Stoick had; This damn'd Impertinence makes me resolv'd to fly my Country; I can never find one houres refreshment in a Year: If I go to the Theatre, where all People hope to please themselves;either I find an Insupportable Play; or If a good one, ill acted; or which is worse, so many troublesome Wits buzzing about my Eares, that I am driven from thence too.

Lov.

If this torments you so, then change the Scene, and Go to Court, where Conversation is refin'd.

Stan.

Why so I do; but there I find a company of gaudy nothings. That feign would be Courtiers; that think they are Hardly dealt withall not to have Imployment too: Besides, when after all my persecutions, I think To ease my self at night by sleep, as last night About eleven or twelve of Clock; at a solemn Funeral the Bells set out: That Men should be Such Owles to keep five thousand People awake, with Ringing a Peale to him that does not hear it.

Lov.

But 'tis Generously done, especially since in my Conscience they expect no thanks for their Labour, Neither from their Dead Friend, nor any one else.

Stanf.

A Curse upon e'm, this was no sooner past, but About two in the Morning comes the Bell-man, And in a dismal Tone repeats Worse Rhymes Then a Cast Poet of the Nursery can make; after

Him, come those Rogues that wake People with their Barbarous tunes, and upon their Toting Instruments make a more Hellish-Noise then they Do at a Play-house, When they flourish for the Entrance of Witches.

Lov.

All this disturbs not me: but if you are troubled VVith this Noise, VVhy don't you live in the Country, There you may be free.

Stanf.

Free! Yes to be drunk with March-Beer, and Wine, worse then ever was serv'd in at Pye-corner at the eating of Pigs; and hear no other Discourse, but of Horses, Dogs, and Hawkes.

Lov.

I wou'd not be of your uneasie disposition for The World: but granting all this: Cannot the Women of the Town please you? methinks The pretty Devils have Charmes enough to keep me In the VVorld still without the Danger of being Felo-de-se.

Stanf.

VVomen! O! name e'm not: They are impertinence It self, I can scarce endure the sight of e'm.

Lov.

VVhy thou art stark-mad; 'faith for my part I Ne're met with any of the Sex that was kind and Pretty, but I cou'd bear with her Impertinence.

Stanf.

It cannot be.

Lov.

No! wou'd thoud'st try me: And bring Me to a New VVoman that's handsome; if I Boggl'd at her Impertinence, may I never have Other to help me at my Necessity, then an Oyster VVife, or one that cries Ends of Gold and Silver: Methinks Beauty and Impertinence do well enough Together.

Stanf.

Sure you railly with me all this while, you cannot Be so stupid to think I have not reason in my Opinion, but nothing I have ever told you yet Has equall'd the persecution of this Day.

Lov.

I know whom that concernes—prethee let me Hear't, that I may laugh a little at those Monkeys; The Variety of their folly alwayes Affords new mat••••••▪

Stanf.

That it does, to my sad experience; This morning, just as I was coming to look for you, Sir Positive At-all, that Fool; that will let no Man understand any thing in his Company, Ar∣rests me with his Impertinence; sayes, he, with a great deal of Gravity, perhaps I am the Man of the World that have found out two Plays, that betwixt you and I have a great deal of Wit in e'm; Those are, the Silent Woman, and the Scornful Lady— And if I understand any thing in the World, there's Wit enough, in both tho••e, to make one good Play, if I had the management of e'm: for you must know, this is a thing I have thought upon and consider'd.

Lov.

This is the pleasant'st thing I ever heard.

Stanf.

May you have enough on't then if you think so: But this was not all, for notwithstanding I Granted his Opinion, he forc'd me to stay an Hour to hear his Impertinent Reasons for't; But no sooner, by some happy Accident or Other, had I got rid of him, but in comes That familiar Loving Puppy Woodcock, that admires Fooles for Wits, and Torments me with a damn'd Coranto, as he calls it, upon his Violin, which he us'd So Barbarously, I was ready to take it for a Bag-pipe.

Lov.

This wou'd have made me broke my Spleen with Laughter.

Stanf.

I must be stung with a Tarrantula, before I cou'd laugh at it: but here my persecution did not end; For after I had got loose from the other two, whom shou'd I see as I came along, but that infinite Coxcomb Poet-Ninny: who by force of Arms hales me into his Lodging, and Reads me there a Confounded Scene in Heroick Verse: so that, what with Sir Positive's Orati∣ons, Woodcocks squeaking Fiddle, and Poet Ninny's Heroick Fu∣stian, I have a greater VVind-mill in my brain then a New-Po∣lititian with his head full of Reformation, but as Fate wou'd have it, in came a Dunn and out got I; and for fear of further Inter∣ruption, came back to my Lodging.

Enter Roger.

Roger.

O Sir! here's Poet Ninny—

Enter Ninny.

Stan.

I ha' but nam'd the Devil, and see I have rais'd him.

Ninn.

Mr. Lovel, Your humble Servant.

Lov.

Sweet Mr. Ninny, I am yours.

Ninn.

But dear Mr. Stanford, I am infinitely troubl'd That that unmannerly Raskal shou'd come and disturb Us just now: but you know, Sir, we cannot help the Impertinence of foolish Idle Fellowes.

Stanf.

No, no! you have convinc'd me sufficiently of that.

aside.

How the Devil could he follow me? I think the

Lovel and Ninny whisper.

Raskal ha's as good a Nose as a Blood-Ho••nd.

Ninn.

I have a Coppy of heroick-Verses will fit him I warrant you.

Lov.

Read e'm to him, he's a great Judge I can assure you.

Ninn.

Sir, I am happy to meet with one that is so great A Judge of Poetry as you are, for it is a miserable Thing for an Author to expose his things to empty Giddy-fellowes: and let me tell you, between you and I, there are seven thousand Fooles to seven Wise Men.

Lovel.

That so great a Truth should be spoken by one That I'le swear is none of the seven.

Stanf.

Now do you judge Lovel:

enter Wo••dco••k

'Slife, another Teazer here! Woodcock?

Wood.

Dear Ninny, Ah dear Lovel: Ah my dear Iack-Stan∣ford, I am the happiest Man in thy Friendship of any

Kisses them all.

Man's upon Earth: Dear Iack, I have the greatest value for thee in the World; 'prethee Kiss me agen dear Heart.

Stanf.

Now Lovel, Have I reason or not?

Lov.

That you have to Laugh; This is my recreation.

Stanf.

Well! if I do not leave the World within these three days; May I be eternally baited by Sir Positive, Ninny, and Wood∣cock, which is a Curse worse then the worst of my Enemies Wishes.

Wood.

Hey! Art thou resolv'd to give over the World too Dear Heart; There's a Lady that came to Town Yesterday that is of the same mind; she told me So, but I hope she will not, for the truth on't is Jack, I am in Love with her.

Ninny.

Are you so? but I hope I shall catch her from you for all that.

aside.

Wood.

She sayes she's so troubled with Impertinent People, which between you and I Iack, are so numerous in this Town, that a Man cannot live in quiet for e'm, that she's resolv'd to leave the World to be quit of e'm.

Ninn.

Yes, Faith she told me so last night as I was reading A Scene of my Play to her.

Stan.

No doubt she had reason.

VVood.

'Tis your Acquaintance Ned Lovel, Carolina's Sister, Emilia.

Lovel.

Now Stanford I'le oblige you, and bring you Acquainted with this Lady; Certainly her humour Will please you.

Stan.

My Friend torment me too! Have I not impertinent Acquaintance enough already; but you must endeavour To trouble me with more.

VVood.

VVell! that's an Excellent Coppy of Verses of thine: Dear Ninny. Come on Iack, Thou shalt hear e'm.

Stan.

Hell and Damnation!

Offers to go out.

Ninn.

Hold, hold; You shall hear Your sad indifference (Look you Sir, 'tis upon a Lady, that is indifferent in her Carriage tow'rd me) Your sad indifference—(I am confident this VVill please you, here are many thoughts I was happy in, And the Choice of VVords not unpleasant, which you Know is the greatest matter of all)—Your sad indifference So wounds—(Look you, you shall find as much Soul and Force, and Spirit, and Flame in this, as ever you Saw in your Life.

VVood.

Come Iack hear't, it is a most admirable piece.

Stanf.

Now, Lovel, What think you.

Lovel Laughs.

Gentlemen, I have Extraordinary business, I must leave you.

VVood.

No, no, hold! Faith thou shalt stay and hear His Verses, they are as good as ever were read; Come Ninny—

Stan.

O Devil! VVhat have I deserv'd to have this Inflicted upon me.

Ninn.

Reads.

Your sad indifference so wound•• my fair At once, I hope, and do at once despair. How do you like that, ha?— You do at once both hate and kindness show; And are at once both Kind and Cruel two.

Wood.

O! Very fine! Is't not Ned?

Lov.

O! Extreame fine.

Stan.

What the Devil makes you commend these sottish Verses, that are nothing but a Iingling of Words? Let's go.

Ninn.

Reads Agen.

Hold! hold! hold, hear the rest; hem— At once my hopes you nourish, and destroy My onely grief, and yet my onely Joy. Mark that?

Stan.

O Devil!

Ninn.

Reads.

Vertue and Vice at once in you do shine; Your Inclinations are, and are not mine.

Wood.

O Admirable! Didst ever hear any thing so Fine in thy life Dear Heart?

'Stan.

Ninny Reads agen.

O how these Curs bait me? At once a storme and calme I do espy, And do at once a smile and frown descry. At once you kindle and put out my flame: I cold, as Ice, as hot as Charcoal am. Mark that Mr. Stanford, I was very happy in that Thought, as I hope to breath.

Wood.

Upon my Word, Iack, that's a great flight of his.

Rog.

Sir, methinks there's as pretty a Soul in't, as a Man shall see in a Summers Day.

Stan.

What am I condemn'd to?

Lov.

Why do you torment your self thus, methinks nothing can be pleasanter.

Stan.

Gentlemen, detain me not, I'le stay no longer.

Ninn.

Dear Mr. Stanford, I ha' just done, if you have any re∣spect in the World for me, stay and hear the end on't.

Wood.

Nay, 'Faith Iack thou shalt stay.

Stanf.

What's this I endure?

Ninny

Reads.

My Fate at once is gentle and severe, You will not show your hate, nor Love decl••re:

Such safety and such dangers in your eye, That I resolve at once to live and die. There's, Body and Soul, in that Couplet.

Lov.

Hey; riddle me riddle me this, but this is the Fashionable way of writing.

Ninn.

What say you, Sir? Are they not well? You are a great Judge.

Stan.

Pray Sir let me go, I am no Judge at all, let me go, I will not stay. Sir Posi••ive, here! I had rather

Enter Sir Positive.

Goe against an Insurrection of 'Prentices, then Encounter him.

Sir Posit.

Ah Dear Iack! Have I found thee? I would not but have seen you for twenty pound: I have made this morning a glorious Corrant, an immortal Corrant, a Corrant with a Soul in't; I'le defy all Eur••pe to make such another: You may talk of your Baptists, your Locks, and your Banisters; let me see e'm Mend this: Why here's at least 25 Notes Compass, Fa la, la, &c. You shall hear.

Wood.

Come, Sir Positive, lets hear't.

Sir Posit.

With all my heart: Fa, la, la.

Stanf.

Oh Heaven! Sir Positive, though I love Musick, Yet at present I must tell you, I am out of Tune.

Ninn.

Out of Tune, Ha, ha, ha,—Now have you said the Best thing in the World, and do not know it.

Stan.

Sir Positive, I must take my leave of you, I must not lose my Business for a little Musick.

Sir Posit.

Hold, now you talk of Musick!—

Stan.

'Slife, Sir, I talk of my Business.

Sir Posit.

But for Musick, if any Man in England gives you a better account to that then I do, I will give all mankind leave to spit upon me: You must know it's a thing I have thought up∣on and consider'd, and made it my business from my Cradle; be∣sides, I am so naturally a Musitian, that Gamut, A re, Bem••, were the first words I could learn to speak: Do you like Bap∣tist's way of Composing?

Lov.

No doubt, Sir, he's a great Master.

VVood.

As ever was born, take that from me.

Sir Posit.

Upon my Word, Stanford, I will make all my Tunes like his—You shall hear his Vein in this Corra•••• now.

Stan.

One trouble upon the neck of another—Whe•• I shall be deliver'd from these Fooles?

Sir Posit.

Do but ask Ninny ther••?

Ninn.

Yes doubtless, Sir Positive has a great Soul of Musick in him; he has great power In Corranto's and Jiggs, and com∣poses all the Musick to my Playes he ha's great power.

Wood.

As any man that ever was born, Dear Heart.

Sir Posit.

Come, you shall hear't—

Stan.

Sir, I beg your pardon; I'le hear it some other time.

Sir Posit.

Pish, pish, Upon my Hononr thou shalt stay, And hear it now.

Lov.

Come, Dear Sir Positive, Make us happy.

Sir Posit.

Observe! here's Flame in this Corrant—Fa, la, la. There's a delicate Note in B, Fa Bemi in Alt, And observe now how it falls down to C. Sol. Fa. Ut. Fa, la, la—There's Mastery for you.

Stan.

I do not like that part of your Corrant.

Sir Posit▪

It is a prodigious thing, thou shou'dst ever be in my Company, and understand Musick no better; thou hast found fault with the best part of the Corrant, ask Woodcock else?

VVood.

By the Lord Harry, there is a great deal of Glory in that part of the Corrant.

Fa, la, &c.

Sir Posit.

Observe here how cunningly it falls out of the Key, And now at last it ends quite out of the Key.

Stan.

Well, well! it's an Excellent Corrant; What the Devil Will you have more?—Fare you well.

Sir Posit.

No, no; Stay but one Minute and you shall hear it All together. Ninny, Do you beat Time—

VVood.

Well thought on, do, and I'le Dance To't Dear Hearts.

Stan.

Now, Lovel, What think you, this Torture's worse then any the Dutch invented at Amboyna.

Sir Positive sings, Ninny beats, False Time & Woodcock Dances to't.

Sir Posit.

Here's a Corrant for you, ha! Sta••ford, What think'st of this?

Woo••.

Think quoth a', I think I danc'd it as well

As any Man in England, Bully-Rock.

Lov.

Certainly, Sir Positive, he Dances very finely.

Sir Posit.

As any man that ever was born upon two Leggs▪ I defie any Man in the World that out-does him; For betwixt you and I, I taught him every step he has.

Rog.

Upon my Word, Woodcock, you have as much power In Dancing, as any Man in England.

Wood.

Dear Heart let me Kiss thee; Gad thou art a great Judge—Here, drink my Health.

Rog.

Ah! Dear Flattery, How convenient a sin art thou?

aside.

Ninn.

Come, Mr. Woodcock, you shall go to the reading of my Play.

Wood.

Ay! Come on, Bully-Rock—

Ex. Nin. and Wood.

Lov.

Come, I'le take pity on you, Stanford, and go before, and prepare some place or other, where we may enjoy our selves, and you be free. I'le take your Man along with me, and send him back agen in haste for you; by that means you may get loose.—

Stan.

For Heavens sake make hast, you'l oblige me for ever.

Exit Lovel and Roger.

Sir Positive! I am sorry I must leave you now; I must go speak with a Gentleman that came From Flanders last night.

Sir Posit.

Flanders! If any Man gives you that account of Flanders that I do, I'le suffer Death; You must know I have thought of their Affairs, I have ••onsider'd the thing throughly, never speak on't more, name it no more, let it not enter into your Thoughts; 'tis a lost Nation, absolutely undone, lost for ever, take that from me: and yet were I with Castel Rodrigo but one quarter of an hour, I'de put him in a way to save all yet.

Stan.

This is beyond all sufferance.—Sir Positive, I am So much in haste, that none but your self shou'd Have staid me of all Mankind.

Sir Posit.

Mankind! Dost thou know what thou say'st now? Do'st thou talk of Mankind? I am confident thou never so much as thought'st of Mankind in thy life: I'le tell thee, I will give Dogs leave to piss upon me, if any man understands

Mankind better then my self, now you talk of that. I have consi∣der'd all Mankind, I have thought upon nothing else but Mankind this Moneth; and I find you may be a Poet, a Musitian, a Painter, a Divine, a Mathematician, a S••ates-man; but betwixt you and I, let me tell you, we are all Mortal.

Stanf.

Well, they may talk of the Pox, want of Money, and a Scoulding Wife, but they are Heaven to my afflictions.

Enter Bridget.

Bridg.

Sir Positive, my Lady Vaine desires you wou'd come And look upon her Picture that's come this Morning from Master Lilly's.

Sir Pos.

Why there 'tis now Stanford, that people shou'd have no more Judgement, she had as good have thrown her Money into the Dirt; 'tis true, I cou'd have made him have made a good picture on't, if I had drawn the Lines for him, but I was not thought worthy, and now you talk of Painting, either I am the greatest Fopp in Nature, or if I do not understand that, I under∣stand nothing in the World: why I will paint with Lilly, and draw in little with Cooper for 5000 l▪

Stanf.

O! intollerable Impertinence! I am affraid he will not go now his Mistress sends for him.

Sir Pos.

Dear Stanford! I must beg thy Excuse—

Stanf.

A Curse on him, that's easily granted.

aside.

Sir Pos.

Come Mistress Bridget I'le go along with you.—Dear Stanford take it not unkindly, for I wou'd not leave thee but upon this occasion.

Stanf.

A thousand Thanks to the occasion.

aside.

Sir Pos.

But you know a man must not disoblige his Mistress Iack?

Stanf.

Oh no, by no means.

Sir Pos.

Adien.—

Ex. Sir Pos. and Bridget▪

Stanf.

So! this Trouble is over. O Fate! how little care you took of me, By these Misfortunes I too plainly see.

Ex.