The scowrers a comedy : acted by Their Majesties servants / written by Tho. Shadwell ...

ACT IV. SCENE I. (Book 4)

Enter Eugenia, Clara, in their Chamber.

Euge.

HERE will be fine work to day, the Alderman will by typsy'd as he calls it, my Lady-mother will be outragious; but it seems she in∣tends us for the Country to morrow.

Clara.

And has sold me for 5000l. to the Aldermans most impertinent Nephew.

Euge.

And no doubt has made as good a bargain for me, but we will defeat her Ladiship: And for that end I withdrew with thee to consult about our Delive∣rance.

Clara.

I have no prospect of Deliverance, let me stay here, or go into the Country, I must be for ever miserable; I am in love to madness, to utter madness.

Euge.

No sure it cannot be, did not I hear a certain young Lady say, she would not fall in love with a wild man of the Town, tho he could joynture her with the East Indies.

Clara.

Oh Eugenia! 'tis against my will, I sooner would have chosen to have been blasted with Lightning: Love struck as fiercely through my heart, and as little could I resist it: But prithee do not triumph over my Misfortune.

Euge.

Misfortune: why Loves the greatest blessing upon Earth, Life is no∣thing but a Shadow, Love is the Substance: Methinks I should be nothing but a moving clod without it: Besides he loves thee as furiously too, what wouldst thou have?

Clara.

Not him of all the world.

Euge.

Nor I the other, till I see a full Reformation in his Life, and Man∣ners; If they think us worth that, they will soon shew the change, if they do not, sure we shall have the sense to think them not worthy of us.

Clara.

These wild young men, like Tinder soon take Fire, and as soon 'tis out again; they'll never change, nor has Love left me any sence but of my Misery—

She weeps.

Euge.

Poor Clara! What dost weep? poor Girl, thou art a Maudlin Lo∣ver; This comes of Romances: I could never wean thee from 'em, for my part I am resolv'd to keep up my Spirit, come what will.

Clara.

Prithee do not laugh at me, to be a Jest is the vilest, and most mi∣serable of Conditions.

Euge.

And that thou wilt deserve, ifthou wilt not do any thing towards thy own Freedom, thou art like those unreasonable craven Fellows that would do nothing towards the Deliverance of England, and yet would have all the

benefit of the change, nay would keep those that did, out of the Government.

Clara.

Prithee don't draw a Simile upon me, I am resolv'd to do any thing Reason or Honour will allow.

Euge.

In the first place, you resolve to choose my Uncle Rant your Guardian.

Clara.

I do.

Euge.

Secondly to be rul'd by him, he is a just, vertuous and honourable man, and of great Humanity.

Clara.

I will wholly resign my self to him.

Euge.

Thirdly and lastly, thou wilt take the first opportunity of honourably, and prudently running away.

Clara.

I will.

Euge.

Thy hand upon't.

Clara.

Done.

Eug.

Now let my brain work, what has our Jaylor been at the Door?

Clara.

Twas very silently.

Pris. unlocks the Door, and lets in Whachum.

Euge.

Are you there old Mrs Turnkey?

Pris.

Yes, and you are like to be there, I can tell you, while I am so.

Whach.

Ladies I am your most humble Footstool to command, we have had a smart bout on't with these Gallants, to say the Truth on't, they are as fine Gentlemen as e're the Sun shin'd on.

Eug.

But how came you to enter here, sweet Sir?

Whac.

Sweet Sir! good.

aside.

By your Lady Mothers Com∣mand dear sweet Madam, I have an affair to communicate to you, Madam Eugenia! But it must be in private, your Ear sweet Madam.

Clara.

You need not whisper, I'll into the Closet.

Whach.

Now Madam, Cozen, if I may be so bold, but I hope to be nearer of Kin to you.

Eug.

What you have bought my Sister for 5000l. I hear?

Whach.

Yes that I have of your Lady Mother, but as Gad save me I think my Lady's too dear, she is a very Iew, she has no Conscience, and to tell you the Truth Madam, as I am an honest man, betwixt you and I, I don't like the bargain, I had rather buy you Gold to Silver.

Eug.

To tell you Truth, I don't like that bargain.

Whac.

You are a Wag Madam, but I am for your aery, brisk, gay, wild, young Filly, such as you are, there's your Lady for my Money; and if you will be rul'd by me, we'll save the 5000l. and mump my Lady, Faith what say you? hah hum.

Eug.

My Lady shall have no 5000l. there I'll be rul'd by you.

Whac.

Sweet Madam, I kiss your hands, Come, come, I know your heart, as well as if I were in you, as the saying is, come you love a brave mad Fel∣low, such as I am, Sniggs, I am one of the maddest Fellows about the Town, I sing, roar, serenade, bluster, break Windows, demolish Bawdy-houses, beat Bawds, scower the Streets, and the like, as well as any he that swaggers in the Town, ha Lady.

Eug.

A very pretty ingenious Fellow.

aside.

Whach.

Ay Madam, I am all Frolick, how many Knockers of Doors do you think I have at home now, that I twisted off when I scower'd, guess now:

Eug.

Tis impossible to guess.

Whac.

Why above two Hundred, ha hum, is not that very well? O my Conscience this morning I beat 20 Higling women! spread their Butter about the Kennel, broke all their Eggs, let their sucking Pigs loose, flung down all the Peds with Pippins about the streets, scower'd like Lightning, and kick'd fellows like Thunder, ha, ha, ha.

Eug.

Very well.

Whach.

Ay wast not, ha, ha, ha; I wip'd out all the Milk scores at the Doors, nay I went about serenading with six Fidlers in a Dung-cart. Ha, ha, there was a Frolick, ha, ha, there's a mad fellow for you, and you talk of a mad Fellow; 'tis true Sir William and his Companions are pretty men, very pretty men: But I wou'd you saw me scower.

Eug.

You a mad Fellow, and talk of scowring! why don't you break open the door, and beat our old sawcy Governess for locking us up?

Whach.

Ha, now you put me in mind of it, I vow and swear I'll do't presently, for I love and honour you, and if you don't look upon me, I shall hang my self.

Eug.

No no but you are in a pretty fair way for another to do it for you.

Whac.

Well Madam, but I'll show you what a mad Fellow I am, this Night I'll scower Soho Square, I gad you shall see such scowring, 'twill rejoyce your heart.

Eug.

Can you drink hard?

Whac.

Oh bloodily, if you could but see me at the Popes-head, no merry gang can be without me, there I laugh, and roar, and sing and am exceeding witty, the purest Company! never stir, they swear I have more wit than a∣ny of the Poets.

Eug.

That may very well be by the late Plays I have read, but all this while we are Prisoners.

VVhac.

Odsookers that's true. Here where are you, old damn'd old she Jay∣lour? I'll break open the door.

He bounces at the Door.

Pris.

What means this uproar.

Enter Priscilla.

VVhac.

Come on Mrs. Tawdry? Old Trigrimate? I will make thy dry bones rattle within the old tan'd Hide of thee; I'll swinge thee, Mother Damnable! what dost thou lock up these pretty Ladies, Drab, Pole-cat.

Pris.

Help, help, Murther, murther,

He hales and turns her about, and kicks her, she flyes at him and scratches him.

oh you young Impudent Fellow, I'll tear out your Eyes.

VVhac.

Why how now Hag! dost thou scratch?

Enter Clara.

Old Puss, thou art grown into a Cat already, and shortly wilt take the de∣gree of a Witch upon thee, have at thee, do you provoke me you damn'd Puss?

Prisc.

Murther, murther, murther.

He beats her and she scratches him.

Enter Lady Maggot.

La. Mag.

Heav'n and Earth! What outrage is this? Some trick of yours, you wicked Sluts.

VVhac.

Oh she has scratch'd and blooded me all over, for ought I know, I may lose the use of my Face.

Pris.

O Madam he has call'd me filthy names, abus'd and beat and kick'd me, for locking these pert unruly Creatures up.

Lady Mag.

Death you young Rascal! dare you abuse my faithful Servant for obliging me? you stupid Coxcomb, for keeping your Mistress from running away from that ugly Phiz of thine; get thee out of my house, I'll order thee for a City Puppy, be gone, be gone.

She pummels him with her Fan, and Fist as he runs

Whac.

Hold hold, hold—was ever such a Vixen? hold!

Lady Mag.

Come Baggages you were of the party, come come, I'll endure these things no longer.

Euge.

Nor we neither.

Lady Mag.

How?

Clara.

Nor will we be for a Country Journy to morrow.

Lady Mag.

Will not?

Eug. & Clara.

No, will not.

L. Mag.

The World, this House, and my Brains, are turn'd topsy turvy. The plagues of this one day alone are able to distract me: Priscilla, thou hast done well, haste and lock 'em up again, I'll try a pluck with ye.

[Ex. La. and Prisc.

Prisc.

I warrant 'em, I'll keep them safe.

Eugen.

Let's into our Closet and consult, we will escape before our Country Journey yet.

[Exeunt Eugen. and Clara.

Enter Sir William and Wildfire.

Wildf.

O Will, this Cousin of thine has so bewitch'd me, that I begin to hate lewdness already.

Sir Will.

Faith, I have not such a relish for it, methinks, as I have had; but not a word to old Tope.

Wildf.

When he finds us out, the Rogue will play the Tyrant most insolently.

Sir Will.

He'll be worse to us two than Doll Common to Face and Subtile▪ But something must be done to deliver these pretty Rogues; to morrow, at Nine in the Morning, is short warning.

Wildf.

Manage matters so, that we may appear Enemies when your Aunt comes to us; and that, with what I have already protested, will beget such confidence of me, that I'll undertake to secure her early in the morning.

Sir Will.

I have laid a design, which I hopè will take, to free them; but if Stratagem will not do't, Force shall.

Wildf.

That may be dangerous, and hinder us for ever. Here she is, I assure you, Sir—

Enter La. Mag.

You shall not carry this off, I pass'd my word to protect your Aunt, and I shall require a strict account of this affront you have put upon her.

Sir Will.

What a Devil! Are you concern'd for the honour of my Aunt? What, do you lye with her?

Wildf.

What say you, Sir?

[He offers to draw.

Lady.

Hold, hold; out thou filthy Fellow: Thou foul-mouth'd Brute: Thou very Spirit of Lewdness and Scandal: Shall I, who am most notorious for Vertue and Prudence to the whole Town, be blasted by thy Contagious breath.

Sir VVill.

Far be it from me to think such a thing; but I might justly, for your sake, suspect his Vanity.

La. Mag.

He is a Man of Honour, and a Worthy Gentleman; I would I cou'd say that of thee. But, sweet Mr. VVildfire, if you should engage your felt in a Quarrel for me, I should never enjoy my self while I lived.

Sir VVill.

No, Madam, I'll not engage with him; what, mine own Aunt! My dear aunt! I love and honour thee.

L Mag.

Love and Honour thee, quoth he! Pray Love and Honour me, and 〈◊〉〈◊〉 get out of my House.

Sir VVill.

I will; but by this hand I will Serenade and Scowre thee most confoundedly.

L. Mag.

Sir, I must have your word not to Quarrel: You see what his lewd heart is apt to suggest, upon your beginning One, I shall suffer in my un∣tainced Reputation, besides the exposing your dear person, will endanger my life.

Vildf.

You are infinitely gracious.

Enter Tope leading the Alderman, drunk.

Tope.

Oh Madam are you there, here is your Alderman safe and sound, I deliver him to you, pray give me a note under your hand for the Receipt of him.

Sir Humph.

I fack Mr. Tope you are a Wag, ay I fack a very Wag.

Tope

I could make as pretty a Magistrate of him, if I had but the breeding of him as ever slept upon a Bench yet, Old, Madam! Iack Tope old, Madam! hah.

Sir Hump.

Oh Chicken, Chicken! my dear Chicken! I'll so mouse thee.

Lady Mag.

Confusion of Babel! what has this day produc'd? I shall run mad, mad, staring mad.

aside

Sir Hump.

Why Chicken! I say, Chicken.

Lady Mag.

Why Buzzard, I say Buzzard, get you gone you drunken Owl.

Tope.

Nay Alderman, what are you a Flincher? does the Hen crow? come t'other Brimmer.

Lady Mag.

Out on thee old Satan! thou vile Tempter! would'st thou most wickedly seduce a man from the Loyalty, and Obedience he owes to his law∣ful Soveraign wife.

Sir Hump.

One brimmer dear Chicken, it shall be thy health, never stir I'll buss thee my pretty Chicken, I'll buss thee.

Lady Mag.

Buss me, oh Insolence! get you out, I say, be gone, ha, what dare you stay?

Sir Humph.

Sweet Chicken, now do but hear me.

Lady Mag.

How! Is it come to this? Nay then I'll make you go, do you Rebel?

[She strikes him with her Fan, and thrusts him out by the Nape of the Neck, and Exit.

Tope.

Good, good, ha ha, good, hey brave Matrimony! oh rare Matrimo∣ny! Oh gallant Matrimony! Most comfortable Matrimony! Oh delicate Ma∣trimony! Oh sweet Matrimony! Oh heavenly Matrimony! Where are you Flinchers? I have been fain to carry on the work of the day; you have been as dull as a couple of old gelt Mastisses.

Sir Will.

Why, Iack, thou art the Hero of the Age.

VVild.

There's not a Youth in Town comes near thee.

Tope.

Hem, hem; Old said ye; hem, hem.

Enter Ralph.

Ralph.

Sir, here's a Letter from your Father, came just now by the Post.

Sir Will.

Some wise advice again, I warrant; but how does my House-keeper, and the damn'd Governess agree?

Ralph.

The Old Dragon swallows Sack as greedily as a Essex Calf sucks Milk. She was called away once, but we are safe now, and hope to bring her to reason.

Wildf.

How are the rest of the Family?

Ralph.

All, every one, as drunk as ever you were Sir, except two Maids of my Ladies, Whachum and his two Friends are slipt away; but Whachum had beaten the Governess, and she scratch'd him most wickedly before he went.

Sir Will.

Go about thy business.

Exit Ralph.

Now what says Daddy?

Sir William goes to the Candle and reads.

Reads. I cannot tell how to express the sorrow I conceive for your obstinate perse∣vering in such lewd courses—

Pish, the old stuff over and over, I'll sacrifice thee to the flame: 'Tis better than being put under Pye-crust.

[He sets it on fire.

Hold, hold! What a Devil's here?

Reads. I have ordered five hundred pound, which—He puts it out again.

Gad I had made fine work on't indeed!

Which is to be paid to my Banker in Lumbard-street, for some Uses of mine not to be dispenc'd with, and therefore am out of Money at this time.

Wildf.

This is pleasant Iack, it goes to't now.

Tope.

As sure as ever Martyr did in Smithfield.

Sir Will.

Paid away, quoth he? paid to a Banker? Oh plague of a Banker, go on, go on, burn in the Devils name,

He sets it on fire again.

Ha! Death and Hell! what's this? I am undone, no 'tis legible.

Puts it out again very hastily.

Reads. Yet I have sent you a bill for 25•••• to receive, which you will find at the bottom of my Letter.

Ounds I am undone, hold, hold, O 'tis legible, Faith 'twas a narrow scape, 'twas just a going.

He puts it out again hastily.

This won't do, but thou art a good Dad, 'tis a pretty Stop Gap faith Lads, we'll have Dads health in a brimmer.

Tope.

In two Will, at least.

Wildf.

Thou art resolv'd to be a finisht piece.

Tope.

I hate Owl-light, I would either be dead sober or dead drunk. I hate to have one keep a pother, to make me gamesome for another.

Sir VVill.

Thou scorn'st to be an odious Trimmer in drink. But prithee Iack, what if we three should resolve once, to go to bed sober in a Frolick.

Wild.

Faith Iack, let us e'en try how it will agree with us.

Tope.

What a Pox do you mean? are you mad? stark mad? I go to bed sober! what to hear Chimes, Bell-men, and tell Clocks all night, and be Flea∣bitten like a Nurse-Maid? I think the Devil's in you, what is this Fool in Love too?

Sir Will.

Ten times more than I.

Tope.

Why you brace of Baboons! what melancholy dull Puppies does Love make of Fellows? A Pox of your Love. Love! 'tis a silly boyish Disease,

and should never come after the Chicken pox, and Kib'd heels.

Enter Lady Maggot.

Lady Mag

Now Sir William, I hope you will be so civil to leave my House, and take that old Sinner with you.

Sir VVill.

Yes, Madam, and that young Sinner too.

Tope.

Old sinner! Gad as good a sinner as your self.

Lady Mag.

I must secure him for fear of a Quarrel.

Tope.

Quarrel! No no, there shall be no quarrel; but we will have him a∣long with us.

VVildf.

There is no remedy, but your Ladyship shall hear from me the first minute I can get loose from them, or free from their dogging.

Lady Mag.

I shall either be at home, sweet Sir, or at my Lady VVagtayles, at Ombre, within two doors.

VVildf.

This noble present of yours be the Token.

Sir VVill.

Farewel my most dearly beloved and highly honoured Aunt.

Tope.

••or serenading and scowering have at you▪sweet young Lady

Wild.

Your most humble Servant Madam.

[Exeunt Sir Will. Tope and Wild.

Lady Mag.

Your most obliged humble Servant, dear Sir! Oh he is the sweet∣est person, the most charming Creature: but for the other two, vengeance lig•• on them; they have put me by the happiest opportunity.

Ex. Lady Mag.

Enter Ralph and Sir Williams House-keeper Abigal, leading in Priscilla drunk.

Pris.

Dear Cousin! I am heartily glad do'e see of your acquaintance, 'tis pure ••ack, one cup more and then I stop, I would not be disguised for the world.

Ralph.

Here sweet Madam, drink it off, it makes you look so lovely in my Eyes, I am ten times more enamour'd.

Pris.

You are very obliging, sweet Sir.

Abigal.

He will be an excellent Match, my Master has given him his Life in a brave Farm.

Pris.

Alas, I marry! Nay not but I must confess, he is a pretty young man, &c.

Ralph.

Humph, sweet Madam, t'other Cup I beseech you.

Prisc.

Ha, ha, ha, well, you havea strange way with you.

She drinks.

Ralph.

Oh let me kiss those pretty eyes!

Prisc.

Go get you gone you go••d natur'd Toad.

Abigal.

••ut Cozen my master is resolv'd to increase your Fortune, that you shall live like a Gentlewoman, and he intends you 1000l.

Prisc.

Truly he is a sine Gentleman, and if I can with a safe Conscience, well, no more to be said.

She nods.

Abig

I'll send you a divine.

Pris.

No no, I can drink no more.

Abig.

I'll send you a Divine to satisfie your Conscience.

Prisc.

No, not a drop more, good night, good night.

She falls fast asleep.

Abig.

Do you see now you simple Fellow, you have over-drunk her, and made her commit a great sin, and spoyl'd all.

Ralph.

Old Nab thou art a Fool, I will pick her Pocket of the Key, and re∣lease

the Ladies, and leave them to their own Discretion: Ha this must be it.

[He picks the Key out of her Pocket

Abig.

Go go quickly, and I'll hasten home.

Ralph.

And I to the Bear and Harrow after my master, where I doubt not but I shall venture a broken head at least.

Exeunt Ralph and Abigal.

Enter Mr. Rant, Father to Sir William, and his man Jasper.

Mr. Rant.

What's the matter in this house? The Porter's drunk, and can't speak, no body to be seen about the house? Nothing but Chairs, Stools, Ta∣bles flung about, and every corner strew'd over with empty Bottles, I wish the house is not rob'd.

Iasper.

Here's an old Gentlewoman in her Cups.

Mr. Rant.

How, what confusion has been here? Some very extraordinary accident has been in this House, this is the Dragon employ'd to watch my Nieces. Go out and bring what Servants you can muster, Butler, under But∣ler, and Grooms, let us see if any one in the Family can speak.

Iasper.

I will Sir.

Exit Jasper.

Mr. Rant.

This looks as if my Son, and all his lewd Companions, had been here. My Sister's not at home, her Doors open, no body to give account of her, or her Husband, that I could see, what all drunk? where's my Lady?

Enter Butler and 4 or 5 Servants drunk and staggering; after them Mr. Rants Servant with my Ladies maid, Lettice.

But.

We have been drinking, Helter Skelter, Faith!

1 Serv.

Sir William Rant's the finest Gentleman.

Butl.

Oh the bravest Gentleman! and his men the bravest Drinkers.

Mr. Rant.

I thought none, but my profligate Son could have made such dis∣order and confusion any where.

1 Serv.

A most brave Gallant! No more to be said.

Mr Rant.

Is there not one in the Family can speak?

Iasper.

Yes here's a young Gentlewoman pretty sober, but there are 8 or 10 men and boys drunk, roaring under Benches and upon the Floor, the house looks like a Field after a Battle, strew'd with Bodies.

Mr. Rant.

Sweet-heart! what's the cause of all this?

Lett.

Sir William Rant and his Companions came in here, roaring and sing∣ing with Fiddles at Noon, entertain'd us with Musick, very fine indeed, and we had a Dance.

Mr. Rant.

Heaven! there is no hopes of Amendment.

Let.

At last march'd in a noble Dinner, and great Hampers of all sorts of wine, and there has been nothing but Roaring, and Drinking ever since, till just now. My Lady laid my master drunk upon the Bed, but he has made his escape. My Lady has been almost distracted.

But.

Fly fly, my Lady will be outragious.

Enter Lady Maggot.

La. Mag

Oh Heaven and Earth! what's here?

Exeunt Servants.

What an image of Hell has this house been to day? Who's here my Brother?

Mr. Rant.

Madam I knew I should surprise you, my coming to Town was very unexpected, and sudden.

Lady Mag.

You find me Sir, in amazement and confusion, and I am troubled

that I must tell you, your wild Son after I had warn'd him my house, broke o∣pen my Doors, roar'd and swagger'd, and debauch'd all my Family.

Mr. Rant.

Ah, Madam, I heard something before, and am infinitely sorry, his perseverance in this wicked life will break my heart, it cannot hold long.

Lady Mag.

Oh Horrour, Horrour! Priscilla drunk too! Huswife! Huswife! speak.

She Pommels her.

Pris.

I will drink no more, I tell you, I am sleepy.

Lady Mag.

Mercy on me, where are my Daughters? They are flown, they are flown. Ha how came they here?

Enter Eug Clara. Eug. kneels to Mr. Rant.

Mr. Rant.

O dear pretty Ladies! your humble Servant, bless you my sweet God-daughter.

Lady Mag.

How now Baggages, how came you out?

Eugen.

A thousand welcomes to you most honour'd Uncle.

Clara.

You never could have arrived so seasonably.

Mr. Rant.

What mean my pretty Nieces?

L. Mag.

I shall be distracted, ruin'd. O this fatal day! I am sorry, Sir, you must be witness of the further confusion in our Family; these wicked young Sluts have rebell'd against me, that I am forc't to lock 'em up.

Eug.

We do rebel against the Locking up.

Clara.

And will dye before we will endure it.

Eug.

And therefore are both resolved to choose you our Guardian: And ne∣ver to disobey you, who we know to be a man of Honour.

Lady Mag.

How they astonish me! All this mischief has your Son caus'd: Oh I shall grow mad.

Mr. Rant,

Oh that Son lies heavy on me. My pretty Nieces, I should be glad to serve you, for your own sakes, and for my dear Brothers sake, tho by the second venter, he was a brave, and worthyman, an ornament of our Family. But I must by no means encourage disobedience to a Parent, or rob a mother of her Daughters.

Eug.

I beseech you give us leave to state our Case to you.

Clara.

And if you think we have not reason—

Eug.

We will do whatever you determine with us.

Clara.

But if you will not protect us from the most horrible Cruelty imagi∣nable, some body else must.

Eugen.

We'll bear all Torments, rather than the Usage we have met with from a mother.

Lady Mag.

Oh Impudence! I'll beat their teeth out.

Mr. Rant.

Hold Madam, no such correction, let's discourse this matter in the drawing-room Nieces, a little Coolness and kind Usage shall bring 'em into a good Temper, I'll warrant you.

Lady Mag.

Heaven preserve my Sences, I have scarce any left.

[Ex. Omnes.

SCENE the Bear and Harrow behind St. Claments Church, The Bar-boy ringing.

Enter Sir Humphrey, and another.

Sir Hum.

I am almost typsy'd but I must have one Half-Flask with my At∣torny who is here, as his Clerk says.

Bar-boy rings.

Very welcome Gentlemen, here Ralph, George, Humphry, speak here.

Enter two Drawers.

Sir Hum.

Is Mr. Split-cause the Attorny here.

Bar-boy.

Yes Sir, shew the Half-Moon there.

Ringing within.

Speak there, they have rung thrice in the Bear.

Drawers.

Anon, anon Sir. Anon, anon Sir.

Enter Whachum, Bluster and Dingboy, and 3 Footmen of Whachums.

Whac.

Anon you Dogs, can't you hear? I'll try if you have Ears, I'll lug ye.

Blust.

Come Rogues, cant you feel, if you can't hear.

They lug 'em by the Ears, & beat & kick them.

Dingb.

Dance ye Dogs, we'll make you frisk.

Drawers.

Murther! murther.

Whac.

Ye Rogues, I'll teach you to wait, you Spaniels! you Curs.

Enter Master.

Ma.

Gentlemen what's the matter? Why do you abuse and beat my Drawers.

Whac.

Nay then, Rogue, lay hold on him Footmen.

[They lay hold on the Master.

Mast.

Gentlemen what do you mean?

Blust.

To swinge you most exceedingly, Rascal.

Ding.

To learn you the reverence due to a Gentleman, Sirrah.

Whac.

Hold him sast, first let's demolish;

They pluck down the Bar.

Now as a Correction of greater Dignity to your Person, you shall be toss'd in a Blanket, and not kick'd, and we'll toss fair.

Mast.

Hold, hold Gentlemen for Mercies sake, and I will do any thing in the world.

Whac.

We'll let him go on his good behaviour.

Mast.

This must be Sir W. Rant, and his Company, most certainly.

[aside.

Whac.

Look you Puppy, we intend to swagger, roar, and drink bloodily, and domineer in the House by our selves.

Mast.

I beseech you Gentlemen.

Whac.

Dam me, what do you mutter?

Mast.

No Sir, not I in the least, do your pleasure Sir: Plague on 'em they'll undo my House.

aside.

Whac.

You harbour a Company of Tradesmen, who should be at home, mind∣ing of their Callings, and solacing their Wives.

Blust.

Attornies, and Students, and Clarks; I warrant you.

Ding.

Grave men and men of business drink, and come to Taverns!

Whac.

It must not be, I will reform these Exorbitances, and you shall find us Drunkards do more good than all the Formal, Hypocritical, Nonsensical Magistrates. Fetch us a Flask, and let it be better than our last, as thou ten∣drest any member about thee, and if thou valuest thy late Deliverance.

Mast.

I will Sir.

Whac.

We will drink some Bumpers, at thy late Bar, and then begin our Frolicks.

Mast.

A Devil of your Frollicks, my house had as good be visited by the Plague, as such Customers.

Exit Master:

Whac.

Oh that Sir William were here, he'd be in love with us. Come fill round you Rascal, What Glasses are these? fit for Quakers, Brownists, or Fifth-Monarchy men, take one your self, now altogether give fire; now to our work.

[They drink and then Huzza.

Mast.

Well there's no resisting, this same Sir William and his damn'd Com∣pany have beaten half the Town.

Exeunt Whach. Blust. Ding. and Footmen.

Enter Whachum, Bluster and Dingboy, and Footmen, beating a Company of Tradesmen before 'em, who cry, Fly fly, murther, murther.

Whac.

Get you out you Scoundrels, men of Callings, Knaves of business, must you be swilling at a Tavern, and neglect your several and respective co∣zening Vocations?

Blust.

You Rogues must your poor Wives want your Loggerheads at home, and you be here idling and spending their Money.

Ding.

Go ye Scot and Lot Knaves that cheat the Parish, and the poor when you come to Offices.

Whac.

Do you mutter, avaunt ye what d'ee lacks; And impudent Duns, be gone. Don't I do it rarely? Come to the next Room.

They beat 'em soundly, who cry, Fly, fly, murther, murther.

[Exeunt Whac. Bluster and Dingboy.

Enter Whachum, Bluster and Dingboy, &c. beating the Company, Attorneys, Clerks, and a Parson.

Whach.

You idle drunken Puppies, we'll swinge you for your Debauchery, and Extravagance.

Attor.

What's this? I'll bring my Quare fremuerunt; the Law's my Buckler.

Whach.

You Scoundrels stay at home, and make cozening bills for your Clients.

Blust.

Practice Court-hand, you lazy drunken Rascals.

Ding.

And never be out at a Knavish Trickum de Lege.

Whac.

Out ye Rogues, I'll shew you the Law

They beat them out.

Footman.

Here's one Rogue still hidden in a Closet.

[Footman hales out Sir Hum.

Whac.

Mercy upon me, my Uncle.

[Whac. and he start at sight of one another.

Sir Humph.

Oh lack, Oh lack my Nephew! Students of the Law! quoth he?

Whach.

What a Pox, all must out; 'tis too late to go back: Get you home old Fellow, interrupt not our pleasures. Get you gone and comfort my Lady if you can; march, march, I say.

Sir Hump.

Prodigious! Amazing!

Whach.

March, march, or I will swinge you extreamly.

Sir Hump.

Murther! murther! Students of the Law!

[They kick him out.

Ding.

This was bravely done, Squire.

Blust.

Admirably perform'd.

Whac.

Aye wast not? come let's in, Sir William will be here soon.

Exeunt all but the Master and Drawers.

Mast.

These are rare Customers, they have a huge Supper, but what a Pox all I get by 'em.

Enter Sir William, Tope, Wild. Ralph, & Footmen.

Sir Will.

Hey what has been to do here? The Puppies have been at work already, 'who's here? what Company have you in your House?

Mast.

Company, Sir? but one, who have beat all the rest out of my house, blooded all my Drawers, pull'd down my Bar and swing'd me off, Company for the Devil: Sir William Rant and his wicked Crew, I ne're saw 'em before, and the Devil take 'em before I see 'em again.

Sir Will.

Have they a good Supper?

Mast.

A huge one.

A great laugh within.

Sir Will.

We'll sup with 'em, these are the Rogues that laugh.

Mast.

Gentlemen, as you love your lives—

Sir Will.

Peace Fool, we'll govern your House a little better, come on Friends, let's make 'em a civil visit by the way of Kick and Cudgel.

A great Laugh again.

Mast.

So now I shall have Murther in my House:

Exeunt Sir William, Wildfire, Tope, Ralph and Footmen.

Enter Whachum, Bluster, Dingboy and Servants in a Room.

Ding.

This beating of Nuncle, was the gallantest action.

They all laugh.

Whac.

Ay what care I.

Blust.

He could not have been more amazed, if he had seen a Ghost.

They laugh again.

Whac.

Oh Sir William and Gentlemen, your most humble Servant, oh if you had come sooner you had seen such Scowring.

Sir Will.

You scowre, you are meer novices, we'll teach ye how to scowre.

Whac.

Thank you sweet Sir Will. we shall be glad to learn, I vow to Gad Sir.

Sir Will.

Why look you Gentlemen, you city Puppies, you impertinent conceited Rascals! Go and swagger at Puddle-dock, but do you think we will suffer such awkard sneaking Coxcombs, to wench, drink, and scower, to usurp the Sins of Gentlemen.

Tope.

We will tweak you by the Noses most excessively,

[They tweak Whac. by the Nose and kick and cudgel them.

Wild.

Kick you most plentifully.

Sir Will.

And cudgel you most extravagantly.

VVhac.

I'll take my Oath 'tis mighty well, Ha ha ha.

Sir VVill.

Come Insects, we will correct your Impudence. Such as you turn Gentlemen, when you are intended for Pleaders of the Law.

VVhac.

Rarely! Admirably well done!

[Sir Will. and his Company tweak, and lead 'em about by the Noses, they laugh all the while.

Blust.

They tweak damnably hard though.

Ding.

They do not consider the Tenderness of my Bolt-Sprit.

Tope.

Get you home Rogues? study the Law, and put cases over a pot of Ale in your Chambers.

VVildf.

Must such paltry Fellows as you swagger in Taverns, go and pester Ale-houses.

VVhac.

Incomparable! by my Sword, they are the finest Gentlemen in Europe.

Blust.

Dam me Squire I don't like this.

Ding.

Gad they kick with Iron toes.

Sir VVill.

What do you take me to be in Jest?

VVhac.

Ay ay, why Sir are you not?

VVildf.

We'll put you out of doubt of that presently.

Tope.

Our you Rascals, must you be taken for us? to our utter Scandal, Get you out.

They beat 'em out, Blust. & Ding. roar all the time and huff: Whac. runs as fast as he can, as they come at the Door, the Con∣stable with the VVatch∣men & Tradesmen who were beaten enter, & beat them back into the house, Sir Will. & his Company beat all out.

Sir VVill.

Ye damn'd dull imitating Dogs, have at ye.

VVhac

Why Sir VVilliam, Sir VVilliam, hold hold.

Blust.

What a Devil do you mean?

Ding.

Do not provoke me any further.

Sir VVill.

Provoke? Damn thee out, beat 'em out.

VVhac.

What will become of the Supper?

〈◊〉〈◊〉

Come turn out, hang the Supper.

〈◊〉〈◊〉

Now Ralph here's Honour to be gotten.

〈◊〉〈◊〉

Broken Heads.

〈◊〉〈◊〉

Fall on.