Apokolokyntosis. Or A mockery upon the death and deification of Claudius Cæsar Written in Latine by Lucius Annæus Seneca the philosopher. Imprimatur, Junii 17. 1664. Roger L'Estrange.

ΑΠΟΚΟΛΟΚΥΝΤΟΣΙΣ. OR A Mockery upon the Death and Deification of CLAUDIUS CAESAR, &c.

WHat pass'd in Heaven before the third day of the Ides of October, Asinius Marcellus and Acilius Aviola being Consuls, in that New year which gave beginning to a most happy Age, I will now declare: nor shall any thing proceed either from Injury or Favour. But if I be ask'd, how I know it to be true: First, unlesse I please, I will not answer. Who shall constrain me? I know I recover'd my liberty when he dy'd, who verifi'd the Proverb, He must be born a Tyrant or a Fool. If I list to answer, I'll speak what comes in my head: Who ever re∣quired an Oath of an Historian? But if I must needs produce my Authour, ask him who saw Dru∣silla ascend to Heaven: the same saw Claudius take his journey thither, though not with equal pace. Whether he will or not, he must see what's done in Heaven. He is the Supervisor of the Appian way, which thou knowest Augustus and Tiberius took when they went to the Gods. If thou enquir'st of him, he'll whisper to thee alone, but if others be present, will not speak a word; for since he swore

in the Senate he saw Drusilla ascend to Heaven, and no man gave any credit to so good news, he affirm'd in plain terms, that if he saw a man kill'd in the very Market-place, he for his part would not tell it. What I heard from this man, I relate for truth, so happy and sincere do I esteem him.

Now Phoebus had abridg'd his rising light, And the time sooner did to sleep invite. And now prevailing Cynthia her reign Improv'd, and fruitfull Autumn did complain Of Winter's sad approach, which so bereft The Vines, few Grapes the Vintager found left.

I think it would be better understood, if I said the Month of October, or the third day of the Ides thereof. I cannot tell justly the hour; Philoso∣phers agree more easily then Clocks: but it was between Six and Seven. Poets are too tedious in their descriptions; they cannot be content to de∣scribe the rising and setting of the Sun, but they will also disturb Mid-day. Wilt thou also thus pass over so good an hour?

Sol now had pass'd the middle part of Heaven, And to his bending Steeds the reins had given, And towards Night his flaming Charriot driven.

The Soul of Claudius began to forsake his Body, but could not find the way out: when Mercury,

who ever delighted in his Wit, calling forth one of the Three Fatal Sisters, said, Why, cruel VVoman, dost thou suffer this wretched man to be so torment∣ed, who, alas, never deserv'd it? It is now the sixty and fourth year since he struggled with his Soul. VVhy does thy envy deny him death? Permit Astro∣logers to tell at last the truth, who from the time he was made Prince, every year, every month, have been carrying him to his grave. And it is no won∣der they err'd; no man knew the hour of his Nati∣vity: For, indeed, no man ever thought him born. Do what ought to be done.

Give him to Death, and in a better sort To reign permit him in an empty Court.

But Clotho reply'd, I was willing, I confesse, to respite his death, till he had made those few that remain, Citi∣zens of Rome: For he resolv'd to see all the Graecians, French, Spaniards, and Britans, become Cown-men. But since thou art pleased that some strangers be left to propagate their race, and that thou so command••st, it shall be done. Then opened she a Box, and took out three Spindles; the fi••st belonged to Augurinus, the se∣cond to Baba, the third to Claudius. These three (said she) in one year, and in a little distance of time, I will command to die: For I will not send him away unaccompany'd. It is not fit that he who lately saw so

many thousand people before, behind and round about him, should be suddenly left alone. In the mean time he must be content with the society of these.

This said, she from her Spindle pull'd a Thread, Which shew'd the foolish King would soon be dead. But Lachesis with hair entwined round, And with a fresh Pierian Laurel crown'd, Took up a handfull of pure Wooll, and wrought With such a happy hand, that it was brought To turn from common wooll to burnisht Gold. The change her Sisters wonder'd to behold. Nor could they stay, to work they all agreed, And found the Golden Age did thence proceed. The task was easy, with small labour done: For presently such happy Yarn was spun, The Woof whereof they truely might presage Would out-live Tithon's, or old Nestor's age: Phoebus assisted with his songs, and joy'd At future good; his hands were oft imploy'd, Sometime to help them work, and other while With his sweet Harp their labour to beguile. And while they heard him sweetly sing and play, They found their Work went easilier away: Taking such pleasure in his Musick then, That it surpass'd the Destinies of Men. Phoebus then said, O Sisters, let my prayer Move you to take this Prince into your care,

And beyond mortal age his dayes t' advance, For he resembles me in Countenance, And feature too; nor does he come behind For Voice, and Instruments of any kind. He happy times for wretched men shall cause,* 1.1 And shall break off the silence of the Laws. As Lucifer, when Stars from sight refrain, Or Hesperus, when Stars return again; Or as the Morning when Day first appears, And Sol with graceful looks the sad Earth chears: So Caesar comes, and so shall Rome behold Her Nero with a Face of Heavenly mold, And with bright Hair that does his Neck infold.

Thus far Apollo. But Lachesis, who of her self favoured this gallant person, was so bountiful to Nero, as to adde to his, many of her own years. In the mean time they all bid Claudius adieu, and wish∣ing him good luck, pray'd him to hasten out of his Palace. So he stirted out his Soul in a fit of Wind, and seemed to live no longer. He dy'd whilest he was hearing Comoedians, that thou mayst know I have some reason to fear them. The last words he was heard to utter, when he sent out a great sound from that part where he could more readily speak, were, Out alas! I think I have bewray'd my self. I know not what he then did; but I am sure he bewray'd all things else. What was afterward done

upon Earth is needless to declare, you know it sufficiently; publick joy hath deeply imprinted it in our memories: no man can forget his own felicity. Hear now what was done in Heaven: Let the Author's credit gain belief. It was told Iupiter, that a certain person was come, of a good stature, somewhat gray, and threatned I know not what, for he continually shook his head, and drew his right leg after him: and being ask'd of what Nation he was, answer'd in such a confus'd tone, and with so disturb'd a voice, his language could not be understood; and that he was neither Graecian nor Roman, nor of any known Countrey. Iupiter commanded Hercules (who had travail'd all the World over, and seem'd to know all Nations) to go and inquire what kind of man he was. Hercules went; and indeed was somewhat troubled at first sight of him, though he fear'd no Monster; be∣holding an unusual countenance, and a gate seldom seen, and hearing a voice not like any earthly creature, but like some Sea-monster, hoarse and inward, he look'd for a Thirteenth Labour to be impos'd upon him: but eying more strictly, he seem'd to be as it were a man. He therefore accosted him, and, what was easie to one that understood a little Greek, said, What art thou? whence come'st thou? what is thy name? When Claudius heard this, he rejoyc'd to find there men that lov'd Lear∣ning,

and began to hope the Histories he writ would be in some esteem: and intimating himself to be Caesar, utter'd this Verse of Homer,

Into Ciconia by a furious blast I driven was, when I from Troy had past.

But what follows is as much Homer, & is more true;

Where I the City and the State Did both together ruinate.

And indeed he had put Hercules to his non-plus, be∣ing a person little skilful in retorts, had not Febris been there, who leaving her Temple came alone with him: all the rest of the Gods and Goddesses he left at Rome. This man, said she, tells meet Fables. I who liv'd with him many years assure you he was born at Lions, and owes his privilege to Munatius. What I tell ye is true, he was born at Lions, fifteen miles from Vienna: He is a right French-man, and therefore as became a French-man he took Rome. I present him for the same born at Lions where Licinius rul'd long. And thou Hercules, who hast trod over more Countreys then an ordinary Mule, must needs know men of Lions, and that Xanthus and Rhodanus are many miles distant. Claudius here grew angry, and with as much murmuring as he could make began to chafe. What he said no man understood; but he commanded F••bris to be car∣ry'd

away, and with his hands opened, being strong enough to do what was usual with him when he caus'd mens heads to be struck off, he commanded them to cut off her head. Thou would'st have thought them all his enfranchis'd creatures, so little did they regard what he said. Then Hercules, Hear me, said he, thou Fellow; leave playing the fool: thou come'st hither where Mice eat iron. Tell me the truth quickly, or I'll dash out thy shallow brains. And that he might seem more terrible, he became a Tragoedian, and said,

What place, speak quickly, gave thee birth? This club shall pound thee else to earth, Which many a cruel King hath slain. Look that thy Answers now be plain: And let me know what clime hath bred, What land produc'd that shaking head. When I went far the Realms to view Of that three-body'd King I slew, And brought from Spain with great renown The noble herd to Argos Town, I saw a Mountain which the Sun From East beholds, from whose foot run Two rivers, Rhone so fam'd for force, And Soane uncertain of the course It is to take; whose slower pace Does moisten, not the banks deface. Say then, Is that thy native place?

This he utter'd stoutly and boldly enough, but had some doubt he might be flapt by a fool. But Claudius, when he saw this couragious man, left trifling, for he knew well there was never his like in Rome; and also found that he himself had not such power and favour there: A Cock may doe much upon his own dunghil. Therefore, as far as he could be understood, he seem'd to say thus, I did hope (O Hercules, who art the most valiant God) to have had thy assistance: And if I were put to find Surety of the knowledge of me, I did expect thy Testimony, who know'st me very well: for thou may'st remember, I was he who in thy honour did daily administer Justice before thy Temple in the Months of Iuly and October: and thou know'st how much misery I endured, in sitting to hear the Lawyers plead night and day; into whose hands hadst thou fallen, though thou beest very stout, thou wouldst rather have cleans'd again the Augean Stables, so much more dung did I rake up. Well, said Hercules, I am content to be thy Patron, because I will: and then brake into the Assembly of Demi-gods who were consulting about Claudius: who murmuring at it, said, It is no wonder thou rushest into the Court, no place is shut from thee. But tell us now what God thou would'st have him. An Epicurean he cannot be, for he has no employ∣ment himself, nor gives any to others. A Stoick

God? how can he be, as Varro says, round and per∣fect, having neither head nor prepuce? 'Tis true, he hath something of a Stoick, for we see he hath neither brains nor head: yet he might justly have desired this favour of Saturn, whose feast he cele∣brated all the year long. But Caius Caesar would never endure it, in regard he sought what he could to kill Lucius Syllanus his Son in Law, whom he condemned of Incest. And why, I pray? Because he desir'd that his Sister (being one of the spright∣full'st women in the City, and was therefore called Venus) should be styl'd Iuno. He would not seem to tolerate Incest at Rome, though it were permit∣ted in the half degree at Athens, and in the whole at Alexandria; because, as he said, at Rome Mice lick Mil-stones. This man would teach us to make crook∣ed things straight. What he does in his Chamber we know not; but he searches all the corners of heaven, and would be made a God: He thinks it a small matter to have a Temple in Britain, where the Barbarians give him Divine honour, erecting, as it were, an Altar to his eternal Dominion. At length Iupiter finding the matter agitated with con∣fus'd interlocutions among inferiour Gods, advis'd them to dispute no longer, and wish'd every one that had interest in that Assembly to declare his o∣pinion. I, Fathers Conscript, saith he, have permit∣ted you to deliver your judgements in this sublime

Court, which you have made no better then a Thatch'd house. I will have the ancient discipline observ'd. This man, whatsoever he is, what will he think of us? Claudius being withdrawn, first Fa∣ther Ianus was ask'd his opinion; who being very subtle, was made Afternoon-Consul in the Calends of Iuly, and alwayes looks both before and be∣hind at once. He having been conversant in Courts of Justice, was very Eloquent, and spake so much that the Scribe of the Court could not set down all, and therefore I do not repeat it, lest I should put what he said into other words. He spake much of the Greatness of the Gods, and that so high ho∣nour ought not to be given promiscuously. It was wont to be counted a great matter to be made a God; you have lessened the reputation of it. And therefore, said he, that I may not in my sentence look so much upon the person as the matter, I advise that none henceforth be made a God that eats the fruits of the earth, or whom the fertile earth in any sort nourishes. Whosoever, contrary to this Act, shall be made, feign'd, or be painted a God, let him be thrown to Hobgoblins, and at the next Prize to be play'd by the new Fencers, let him be soundly whipt. The next that delivered his judgement was the Son of Vica Pota, who was also design'd a small Bankier Consul; formerly he subsisted by Traffique, and in petty Cities sold Jars of Oyle. Hercules stept

handsomely to him, and rounded him in the ear. He then said, Since divine Claudius was near in blood to divine Augustus, who no less then he did sollicit the Deification of his Grandmother Augustae and did indeed far excel all mortal men in wisdome; and that it is expedient for the common good, to have one who can with Romulus devour boyling turneps; My judgement is, that Claudius be made a God in as ample manner and with as good right as others were made before him; and that this miracle be added to the Metamorphoses of Ovid. The opini∣ons were various, and Claudius seemed to have most votes. For Hercules, who saw his own iron in the fire, ran up and down from one to another, saying, Envy not me the honour of this work; I am concern'd in it: when you have occasion I shall requite the cour∣tesie: one hand washes another. Then stood up sacred Augustus to deliver his opinion; which he did with very much Eloquence. Fathers Conscript, said he, I call you to witnesse that since I was made a God, I have not spoken a word here: I always mind my owne busi∣nesse. But I can no longer dissemble nor contain my sorrow which my modesty makes greater. For this cause I made peace at Land and Sea, furnish'd the City with Laws, and adorn'd it with stately Buildings. What to say, grave Fathers, I cannot tell: no words are sufficient to d••clare my indignation. I must make use of the expression of Messala Corvinus an eloquent man: He hath cut in

sunder the Majesty and Jurisdiction of the Empire. This man, Fathers Conscript, that seems to us scarce able to fright away a fly, has chopt off mens heads with as much facility as a dog eats tripes. But how can I relate his many cruelties? I have not leisure to lament pub∣lick calamities when I look upon my own domestick miseries. Those therefore I will omit, and these rehearse. Though Phormea understands little Greek, yet I doe, and remember the Proverb, Indignation hardly grows old. He whom you see lurking so many years under my name, in requital hath kill'd two Julia's my Ne∣phew's Daughters, the one with the sword, the other with famine: and also my Nephew's Nephew Lucius Syllanus. Consider, Jupiter, the cause being so wicked, and which concerns you near, whether this man shall remain with us. Tell me, divine Claudius, why thou didst condemn any of these of either sex without hear∣ing, or taking cognizance of the cause. Has this been usually done in heaven? Certainly it was never done. We know that Jupiter, who hath reign'd here so many years, only broke the thigh of one Vulcan, and taking him by the foot threw him out of heaven, and being angry with his Wife, hung her between heaven and earth to punish her. But did he kill her? Thou slew'st Mes∣salina, to whom I was great Vncle as well as to thee. Thou wilt say thou * 1.2 know'st not. The curse of the Gods light on thee: so much more shameful it is that thou know'st not then

that thou didst it. This man ceased not to prosecute Caius Caesar after his death: he slew his Father in law, this his Son in law. Caius Caesar would not permit the Son of Crassus to be styled the Great: This man restor'd his name and took off his head. He slew in one house Crassus the Great, Scribonia, Tristonia, and Assario, all Nobles: But Crassus such a fool, as he might have reigned as well as he. Consider, Fathers Conscript, what a Monster sues to be made a God: will you now make him? Behold his body form'd to despight the Gods. In brief, let him pronounce but three words together, in any reasonable sort, and I will be content to become his slave. Who will adore this God? who will believe him to be so? In conclusion, while you make such Gods, you your selves are not thought to be Gods. The summe of all is, grave Fathers, if I have behaved my self honestly among you, if I have not been uncivil to any, revenge my wrongs; I for my part pronounce this as my opinion, [and then read out of a Table-book] Since divine Claudius hath slain Appius Syllanus his Father in law, his two Nephews, Pompey the Great, and Lucius Syllanus, Crassus Father in law to his Daughter, an honest man, and as like him as one egge is to another, Scribonia Mother in law to his Daughter, and Messalina his Wife, and so many beside that it is endlesse to recount them; he ought to be severely punished, and to be allowed no appeal, but to be carried hence, and within thirty dayes to leave Heaven, and within three Olympus. All

the Gods rose to confirm this judgement: and without expecting further order, Cyllenius took him by the wry neck, and dragg'd him towards Hell,

From whence they do maintain None can return again.

While they descended by the broad way, Mercury askt what that concourse of people meant, whe∣ther it were Claudius his Funeral. And truly it was as glorious a shew as could be seen, set out with so much pomp, that it appeared the Funeral of a God: Such variety there was of Trumpets, Cornets, and Hoeboys. Claudius heard the noise: All men re∣joyced and were merry, the People of Rome found they were at liberty. Agatha and a few Petty-foggers heartily lamented; the Lawyers came out of their holes, pale and meager, scarce able to breath, like men newly recovered from a trance. One of the company seeing the Lawyers lay their heads toge∣ther bewailing their fortune, drew near and said, I told you Saturn's Feast would not alwayes last. Claudius when he saw his Funeral perceived himself to be dead; for they chanted with a loud voice this Fu∣neral Elegy.

Let your sighs and tears abound, Let cryes fly the Palace round, At least feign a mournful sound;

Since so brave a man, whose head Was with wisdome fraught, is dead, The Earth none like him eve•• bred.

In swift Races he excell'd, His light dart the Persians quell'd, And the Parthians who rebell'd.

He his foes did overthrow, Taught the Medes his strength to know, And their Painted backs to show.

Britans and the Irish, plae'd Beyond known Seas, he soon chas'd: They to bear his yoke made hast.

The Ocean, which no bounds saw, To Obedience he, did draw, And to yield to Roman Law.

Plenteous tears for him provide, Who, though hearing but one side, Sometimes neither, Causes try'd.

What Iudge will there now be found That will sit the whole year round, And give Sentence without ground?

Minos Iudge of Souls below, T' whom a hundred Cities owe Homage, will his Seat forgo.

But, O you of Venal race, Lawyers, now in this sad case, Beat your breasts and weep apace.

Poets too, who ••aeke great pains, Though, alas, with little gains, Vent your Sorrows in fresh strains.

You, 'bove all, grown rich by Play, Shaking th'elbow night and day, Never put your grief away.

Claudius was much delighted with his praise, and would fain have heard more: But Talthybius, Messenger of the Gods, laid hands on him, and co∣vering his head that he might not be known, led him by Campus Martius, and between Tiber and the close way descended towards Hell. Narcissus, his enfranchis'd Servant, went before the direct way to entertain his Patron; and when he came near, he ran to him all neat and trim as out of a Bath, and said, What? do Gods mix with Men? Hasten (said Mercury) and give advertisement of our coming. Narcissus would have complemented long∣er with his Lord, but Mercury admonished him with

his Rod, and again bid him make hast. No sooner had he spoken, but Narcissus hastned as if he ha•• flown. The passage is steep and easie of descent, and therefore though he were gouty, he came in a moment to the Gates of Plut••••; where lay (as Horace sayes) that hundred-headed Beast, which presently rose and shook his bristled crest. Narcis∣sus, who used to play with a little white Beagle, was in a kind of fear when he saw a Dog so black and shaggy, that one would be loath to meet him in the dark, and cry'd, Claudius Caesar is come. And be∣hold, a multitude came singing with acclamations, We have him, let us rejoyce. In this Company were C. Silius, design'd Consul, Iunius Praetorius, Sextus Trullus, Marcus Helvius, Trogus, Cotta, Teclus, Valens Tabius, whom Narcissus had caused to be Executed. In the midst of this troop of Singers was Maestor the Pantomime, whom Claudius for com∣linesse sake had made leaner. The news was pre∣sently carry'd to Messalina, that Claudius was arri∣ved. First of all came flocking his freed-men, Poly∣bius, Miron, Harpocras, Ampheus, and Pheronactes, whom he had sent before, that he might not want Servants in any place. After them came two Prae∣fects, Iustus Catonius, and Ruffus, Pompey's Son. Then came his friends, Saturnius Luscius, Pedo Pompeius, Lupus, and Celer Asinius, who had been Consuls. And last of all, his Brother's Daughter,

his Sister's Daughter, his Father in law, his Mother 〈◊〉〈◊〉 law; all his near allies came to meet him: whom whe•• Claudius saw, he cry'd out, Behold, all places are full of my friends. How came you hither? Pedo Pompeius reply••d, What say'st thou, bloody man? do'st thou ask how? who but thy self hath sent us hither, thou murderer of all thy friends? Come let us go, I'll shew thee the Iudgement-Seat: and then brought him to the Tribunal of Aeacus. He it was who, by virtue of the Cornelian Law enacted against mur∣derers, inform'd against them, and made their pro∣cesse; and now desir'd to have his name Register'd as the accuser of Claudius; that he had murdered thirty Senators, three hundred and fifteen Roman Knights, and of other People,

The number infinite, like Sand or Dust.

Claudius being much dismay'd, cast his eyes about to find an Advocate to speak for him, but found at present none. At length Pub∣lius Petronius, who was wont to eat at his Table, a man well vers'd in the Claudian language, ap∣peared, and desir'd to be admitted his defender, but was refus'd. Pedo Pompeius accus'd him with great vehemency; Petronius seemed willing to an∣swer for him. Aeacus, a most just man, having heard but one side, condemned him, and said, If he suf∣fer what he hath done to others, the judgement is just.

A great silence was made. All were astonish'd and wondred at the newnesse of the thing, saying, the like was never done. Claudius thought it more just then new. It was long debated what kind of Punishment should be inflicted. Some mov'd, that if the Gods would be pleased to release the punish∣ment of one, either Tantalus might be freed of his Thirst, whereof he would else die, or Sisy∣phus of the burthen of his Stone, or Ixion have his Wheel stopt. But it was resolv'd that none of the Condemned persons should be discharg'd, lest Claudius himself might afterwards expect like favour. They agreed that a new punishment should be devis'd, That some fruitlesse labour should be impos'd upon him, and a kind of Desire, without End or Effect. Then Aeacus pronounced that he should play at Dice with a bottomlesse Box: And now he began to cast Dice to no purpose, for they still dropt out at the wrong end.

As oft as he prepared was to cast, Shaking the Box, the Dice fell out as fast. And putting them into the Box again, Like one that play'd, he found he play'd in vain: For still the Dice slipt thorough and were gone. So Sisyphus with many a heavy grone To the Hill-top bears his returning Stone.

Caius Caesar now appeared, and claimed him in ••ight of Bondage, producing witnesses who saw him box'd and beaten with Rods and Cudgels by him. He was adjudg'd to Caius Caesar, to whom Aeacus gave him: He gave him to Menander his manumitted Servant, to help him to frame In∣dictments.

FINIS.

Notes

• * 1.1

  Here Se∣neca was but an ill Augur.
• * 1.2

  After he had put her to death, he sent for her to Supper,