Tunbridge-Wells, or, A days courtship a comedy : as it is acted at the Dukes-Theatre / written by a person of quality ...

ACT. V. (Book 5)

Alinda, Fairlove,

Alin.

YOur Sisters Plot appears most probable to break this match; but she's too obstinate, to gratify my hopes of her Aliance.

Fair.

Correct, by a compliance to my love, that errour in your self, which you condemn in her.

Alin.

Happily, I've the same aversion to wits, as she to fooles; but here comes your Sisters Engineer.

Enter Wilding in Spanish-habit.

Fair.

Thou'rt habited as if thou dwell'st next door to a Play-house.

Wild.

This is my City Maskarading suit, my Pattent of Intrusi∣on to all meetings.

Fair.

'Twas happily brought down—wher's Courtwit?

Wild.

In her love dispatches for London, and has immured her self like an Anchorite for that Employ.

Fair.

I hope you are well instructed.

Wild.

What Wit or Courage can perform, expect.

Alin.

I doubt not your capacity, nor Spirit, and hope the piety of my intenions, will bribe Heavens assistance; I'le not detain you, for it is near the hour chose by my Brother for this fatal Match.

Wild,

My haste to serve you, shall prevent your wishes.

[Exit.

Fair.

Having proceeded to the rupture of one Marriage, it

is but reasonable we should enter upon the Treaty of another.

Alin.

So it be still in raillery, I'm content.

Fair.

If we continue to make love in jest, Death may finish the Treaty, er'e we conclude the Match.

Alin.

No matter' we'l leave it like a game at Chess to be play'd out by our Heir's.

Fair.

Then I hope you'l be pleased, that we may withdraw and gett 'em.

Alin.

'Tis time for me to do so, when you dare use this bold Language.

[Exit.

Fair.

Nay that frown shall not discourage me; I'd after, tho she could arm her eyes with lightning.

[Exit.

SCENE. II.

Paywell, and Parret.

Pay.

Would it not torment a Woman of my longing to lose so precious an opportunity?

Par.

Any Woman in nature, as I hope for benevolence.

Pay.

Yet business may detain him.

Par.

I shall have the worse opinion of him, whilst I breath, for failing a Lady in the Heaven of her expectation.

[Enter Owmuch.

Owm.

My haste intended to prevent your love; I hope I have not slip'd my time above a quarter.

Par.

D' you think a quarters disappointment to a Lady nothing, when I've known many good gifted men rendered uncapable by the bare delusion of a minute.

Owm.

Pri'thee silence that unruly morcel, that unmerciful tongue of thine.

Par.

Y' are a rude, sawey, mallipert, impertinent fellow, to prate thus to a Woman of my occupation.

Pay.

Good Mid-wife leave us, and be vigilent in thy office.

Par.

I'le see him damn'd first; keep watch for such a Scoundrel.

Owm.

Will you be a Fool, and spoil all for nothing.

Par.

No nor an Ass, to keep sentinel for nothing.

Owm.

Is that it? here, commend me to my friends in Guinney.

[gives her mony.

Par.

So you'l commend me to mine in the Lowcountries, I care not if I do.

[Exit.

Pay.

She's a troublesome Old Creature, but very useful.

Owm.

Having introduced me to the Honour of your acquain∣tance, I must own her obliging.

Pay.

I know you Courtly; but Complements in Love are like long Graces before feasts, they cool the meat, and dull the appetite; we'l be familliar.

Owm.

Now have I no more power towards this she thing, than if my Breeches had been impoverish'd in my Youth t' inrich my Voice.

Pay.

Let me advise you to be very civil, tho you press me ne∣ver so far, consider me a person of Honour.

Owm.

Rather then risk your displeasure, I'le take my leave.

Pay.

You misapprehend me.

Owm.

Hell take your meaning! 'tis but too plain, that lewd Grimace has turn'd my Stomach—Madam, I'm the most rude de∣bauched fellow in a Ladies Chamber.

Pay.

Y' have been so civil I dare not credit it; come give me your hand.

Owm.

Slife, what an un∣satiable fist's there? marble against rain is not so moist, nor the sweat of a Iew so rank.

[gives his hand and snatches it back

Pay.

I vow y' are such a backward man.

Owm.

You'l find me an Hercules forward; I must ravish you; for let me perish I am a most unsatiable Creature.

Pay.

I ne're met a reasonable Creature, but I was able to give him reasonable satisfaction.

Owm.

The Devil in Breeches cou'd not scare her; I've ta'ne her Mony; and something will be expected; well, Madam, since y' are desperate.

Pay.

O Lord, I vow, what d' you mean, I protest, nay I Swear, I'le cry out, Parret Parret.

[Enter Parret.

He pulls her towards the Chamber, she calls softly.

Par.

O Madam th' Alderman, th' Alderman! we're undone.

Pay.

What curs'd fortune's this?

[stamps.

Owm.

Which way shall I avoid him.

Par.

I'm distracted, he's at the Stair foot.

Pay.

Into my closet with him quick, I hear him Enter▪

[They lock him up, Enter Alderman.

Ald.

Ah Bunting! I've had the crossest luck, and yet I had the better of the lay, a 100, Pounds to a farthing, the Devil's in that

Tipwels fingers and in's horses knees; the Beast was so pliable, and at command, he had little disadvantage in tipping on Horse-back; all nine as I live Chuck.

Pay.

Poor Dear, how thou Sweat'st I was afraid thou hadst been ill Chick.

Ald.

I'm come for more chink Bunting, wher's the key of the Closet.

Pay.

'Slife Man! what's the Matter with your eyes?

Ald.

Why Bunting? why, what's the matter?

Pay,

They're as red as my Petticoat. Parret.

Par.

Madam.

Pay.

Fetch the eye water quickly, if you heat your self, and drink and han't a care, it may grow to a Fistulae.

Ald.

Indeed law Bunting they burn, and smart extreamly, but give me the Key. I'le be back immediatly.

Pay.

The Key's in my other Pocket, but thy eyes are so blood-shot, it greives my heart to see 'em, some chairs, quickly good Parret quickly.

Enter Parret, chaires set, he lyes down, and they drop Water in his eyes.

Ald.

I profess the Water's very refreshing.

Pay.

Be sure you wink hard Chicken, and keep it in.

[she steps to the Closet, and lets Owmuch out.

Softly as you love me; to morrow I'm for London, where let me see you often, in th' intrim keep this for my sake

[gives him a Iewel.

Owm.

And in exchange receive my heart, and future service.

[Exit.

Pay.

Come hony, how dost find thy self?

Ald.

Very clear sighted, Bunting, thanks to thy care; but I must back, I profess, I'm deeply ingaged, fetch the Key.

[Exeunt.

SCENE. III.

Enter Crack babited like the Widow.

Crac.

My Cloaths and Stature favour my design, and by the as∣sistance of this Ring and Visor, I hope to pass for the suppos'd rich Widow; nor will▪ my Mercer los•• by the exchange, since I'm the fre∣sher merchandize o' th' two; and for our Portions, hers is in Fee∣tail, and mine in Capite, a nobler Tenure. But here's the Parson;

[Enter Courtwit in Quibbles habit.

Your Servant Mr. Quibble.

Cour.

She takes me for the Vicar in disguise; could I but hit up∣on his quibbling strain, I see I might pass.

Crac.

I'm confident you take me for the Widow.

Cour.

Thou'rt cosened, for I'm so taken with thee, I'd only take thee for my self.

Crac.

The Widow's lodg'd, thou shalt have her within this hour.

Cour.

This intrigue I understand not, yet must not let my ig∣norance betray me.

[Aside.

Crac.

You entertain your happiness but eoldly.

Court.

I want some marks of gratitude to signalize my bounty.

[Feeling in's pocket.

Crac.

All I desire is, that you marry me gratis.

Cour.

Marry you, I thought I was to marry the Widow.

Crac.

Your Wit's so volatile, you must marry me to Farendine.

Cour.

I conceive you and so I hope you'l do by the Mercer.

Enter Farendine.

Crac.

Here he comes, Mercury thou Favourer of Wiles, assist my love! follow me, and when I stop perform your Office.

[To Courtwit.

Faren.

'Tis she, I know her petty-coat, and size, and, as I live, the Parson following her; the Fool is made a Property to marry her to me, his Rival; She beckons, and I le follow—And wed her with that silence she desires.

Exit Crack. Courtwit, and Farendine following.

SCENE IV.

Enter Sir Lofty Vainman, Brag, Fop, Wilding in Spanish habit.

Vain.

Challenge my Spouse! I bid defiance to thy diminitive breeches.

Brag.

He's mad beyond the cure of hellebore.

Wild.

I'm mad indeed to seek a Runagate, one that forsook me in the heat of Wedlock, the next day after the religious Priest had joyn'd our hands, as love before our hearts.

Brag.

He'l perswade me I was begot i'th' Moon, born in Aries, are bred in Capricorn, to learn to make Cuckolds: If ever I saw the man before, may I never attain a Ladyship.

Wild.

Resign my Wife, Sir Lofty, and that quickly, or—

[Laying his hand on his sword.

Vain.

You obliterate your self and her, she has no cognizance

of your Person, and y' appear an Allen to her affection.

Wild.

I'm not the only Husband labours under that misfortune:

Fop.

Not of a Million ne're go, I love you for that.

Brag.

Where in the name of mischief did I marry thee, and when?

Wild.

A month since, at Pancras.

Fop.

The Devil pickle me for a Pilchard, if I know what to think of't.

Brag.

This is the strangest fixion Hell e're contrived to cross a Womans love—Good Sir, a word—

[Whispers Wilding.

Vain.

I'le interrogate him of her appellation, quallification, de∣means, and th' Et cetera appurtenances of a Widow, and if he exhibite satisfactory reasons, or reasonable satisfaction.

Wild.

Well, I confess what I alledged, is false.

Brag.

Bear witness, you heard him say 'twas false

Wild.

'Twas you I said were false t' your Nuptial Vow.

Brag.

Hell has inspir'd him to my ruin!

Vain.

Have you any cognizance of her Name?

Wild.

I married her by th' Name of Barbara Brag.

Fop.

I love you for that, there may be two of one name.

Wild.

But not of one face, Mr. Fop.

Fop.

Does your Donship know me; I'm an East India Elephant, if I don't remember you too; your Name is

Wild.

Don Roderigo de los Blustrados hectoromanos Bullirockos.

Fop.

Dear Blustrados, when shall we be drunk again?

Wild.

Thou 'rt as sawcy as a Country Squire with's Mothers Maid; when didst see me drunk? Ha!

Fop.

Can Pharo and Stichback slip your memory? The De∣vil swallow me for a quartern of Brandy, if we han't been drunk an hundred times.

Wild.

Then have I kick'd you ninety nine.

[kicks him.

Fop.

Faith and troth I remember nothing of that tho.

Wild.

I'm satisfi'd you must, if you remember th' other.

Fop.

If this be your satisfaction, The Devil keep you company for Timothy Fop—

[Exit.

Wild.

Nay take your Knight, least he share your calamity.

Vain.

I hope y' are too intelligent t'imagine a Knight can be kickt.

Wild.

I beg your pardon, my toes are no Heraulds.

Vain.

Since y' implore my pardon, I can recede—Come Widow

[offering to lead her out.

Wild.

You must pardon me for that too, she's my Wife, there∣fore unhand her, and vanish without expostulation.

Vain.

He looks as terribly as a Sea fight.

[he sneaks away.

Brag.

What horrid injury, or strange affront has my too wan∣ton youth, or erring Pride offer'd your friends or you? thus to provoke your malice or revenge to ruine me.

Wild

His very being a Gentleman obliges all Men of Honour to endeavour's rescue from your destructive snares.

Brag.

If he's a stranger to you, let my knees with

[Kneels.

humble intercession, beg your favour; and you shall share in all th' advantages of profit, or what else I can call mine, by being His.

Wild.

This Knight's committed to my care, and by a person I dare not disoblige.

Brag.

Then I dare dye— help, help, murther, a rape! I'm ravish'd, I'm ravish'd.

She pulls a Knife out of her Pocket, Wilding indeavours to hinder her, She lets fall the Knife and lays hold of him.

Wild.

'Sdeath! Who offers y' any violence? Let go my Arms you Whore, or if I get 'em loose, I'le nail thee to the Earth.

Brag.

Repeat thy stabs till thou hast made my body but one sear, rather than wound my honour, a rape, murder, rape!

Enter Owmuch, Vainman, Fop, and Neighbours.

Owm.

Where's this Villain, this lewd ravisher?

Brag.

Welcome to my redemption, I've lost my breath, and faint with strugling.

[they disarm Wilding.

Owm.

Sir Lofty pray approach, and comfort her. You are a Spanish Letcher—To justice. Do right with him, you shall be cut for th' Stone, my Tarmagant, and Rampant Don, you shall.

Wild.

When thou knowest me, thou'lt repent this usage.

Owm.

That's more then e're I did my Sins. What art?

Wild.

Dismiss your rabble, and I'le tell you.

Owm.

Now she's retriev'd, make sure, and speedy work, I brought the Vicar with me, he's within.

[to Vainman.

Fop.

I love you for that ne're stir, you'l stay till I run to Bounds for your sister, we are to be married together by contract.

Vain.

Make expedition then; come relict.

[Exeunt. Vainman Brag, Fop.

Owm.

Neighbours, I thank you for your kind assistance, now he's disarm'd I shall be singly able to govern him;

[Exeunt▪ neighbours

now my Coatamuntain Don, what's thy design, and business here?

Wild.

To cut thy Throat, unless thou break this Match between Sir Lofty, and thy Strumpet.

Owm.

Dost know the value of this Throat Castilian? It yearly swallows half a thousand pounds in deep pontac, clear Mant, and Burgundy.

Wild.

These whiskers off, you cannot chuse but know me.

[pulls of's whiskers.

Owm.

I'th' Name of Protheus, why in this disguise?

Wild.

Fairlove and I are equally ingaged to save Sir Lofty from the ravenous jawes of your damn'd Cockatrice; and if y' affect your safety, you'l assist me in't.

[Off'ring to go out.

Owm.

You are too quick, your haste ill suits your garb: move but a foot towards the interrupting them, and this shall centre in thy heart.

Wild.

'Tis base t' insult upon a Man disarmed.

Owm.

Were you ten thousand friends, you shou'd excuse me; ••'de not release my share in this Knights marriage, t'ingross th' ami∣••y of all mankind.

Wild.

Thy base ignoble ways of livelihood beget a general scandal on the name, and garb of Gentleman, they'l grow con∣temptible, being used by thee.

Owm.

Thou art too young, and scrupulous a sinner; examine but the Town, and thou wilt find the gayer part, to have as little Landas thou, or I, and yet they keep guilt Coaches, their race and hunting Nags, Lacquies, and Pages▪ and what is more expensive then all these, Misses, whose cloaths may vie with Eastern Queens, and Pallaces with Cardinals for cost; and can'st believe these miracles performed by simple rules of honesty, and honour? Thou art not such a Novice.

Wild.

I know there are sev'ral ways of livelihood, most indi∣rect; but this damn'd down right cheating I affect not.

Owm.

Kind Nature gave to ev'ry Man his Portion, some in Wit, to others Lands or Moneys, and did contrive us for each o∣thers use. And I account it as unreasonable to waste Wits preci∣ous tallent on a fool without advantage, as to let Lands gratis— My brain's the nobler freehold.

Wild

This curs'd Match will, in Alinda, ruin Fairlove hopes, and forfeit me the kind respects of Courtwit.

Owm.

Why this is right the World; you do not blame the Match as bad, but as it injures you.

Enter Farendine with Crack Vizarded.

Farend.

Widow, now y' are at home, I hope, you'l shew your face, and welcome me.

Owm.

No more cross plots I hope; what Widow have you there?

Far.

The Tunbridge Widow Sir, the Widow Brag.

Wild.

Do the Widows multiply?

Far.

She may in time, and season; Gentlemen y' are welcome. both; call in the Fidler, I'le dedicate this Night to mirth and hy∣men—By your favour she's my Wife, Sir, and I'le have the first kiss—Ha! Crack.

Owmuch indeavours to pull of her Visor Farendine prevents him.

Owm.

This your rich Widow?

Far.

I'me abus'd, cheated, gull'd, I'le be unmarried, avaunt Sor∣ceress, come not near me.

Crac.

But I will, my Love, and kiss thee too.

Owm.

Was that kiss over and above the twenty thousand pounds.

Far.

Mock not a Man in misery! Damn'd Quibble, thou knewst what trash thou wedst me to.

Crac.

I think y' are obliged to him for bestowing the Maid on you, and keeping the grass Widow for himself, nay I'm the better fortune.

Far.

Thou art indeed much younger, and mayst crown me oft'ner with the City night cap, if thou call'st that a fortune.

Crac.

What say you to this security for my good behaviour?

[Gives him a box full of Iewels and Gold.

Owm.

That Cabinet's thy Ladies?

Faren.

But the contents were partly mine before, and to the rest I'le make her prove her title,

If Cuckold be my fate, yet thus adorn'd I shall be rather envyed than scorn'd.

Crac.

She gave 'em me to pack for London, meaning to cheat you of your dividend, and I to end disputes, took this occasion to re∣store to th' Owner, my dear Husband,

Owm.

Deceitful Wretch!

[Enter Fop, Fairlove, Alinda.

Fop.

Where's Sir Lofty? faith and troth this Gentleman wont let me marry his Sister.

Fair.

You know it was the Ladies fault not mine.

Enter Vainman, Brag, Courtwit in Quibbles, habit.

Fop.

I love you for that ne're stir; but here comes Sir Lofty him∣self; if he'l promise her to one, and bestow her on another, I'le have nothing to do with him or her either.

Wild▪

You justly may condemn my ne∣gligence, since the success ha'nt answer'd your desires, and I must suffer in your good opinion till time permit me to recite at large the various sinister accidents, which did obstruct my service.

To Alinda, who must be supposed t' have been inquiring the success of the design. Fop whisper, Vainman.

Alin.

Since he's undone, 'twill but avail me little to know how.

Vain.

D' you refuse to ratifie the parole of Sir Lofty Vainman, your own natural Brother?

Courtwit and Fairlove seem to discourse all this while.

Alin.

Wou'd you'd refuse that com∣mon Creature too.

Vain.

Sister you erre, I 've made an enclosure of her, brought her within the pale of Matrimony.

Fop.

I love you for that, some envious Knave may still pretend a right of common, and make a gap to graze a Nag, or so.

Vain.

I apprehend no such danger: But this is digressive from my interrogatory; Will you nuptialize our Consanguinity, Timothy Fop?

Fop.

That's the point ne'r stir, press it home.

Alin.

Would he had ta'ne your place.

Court.

Lets lose no time in vain congratulations.

[To Fairlove.

Gain from Alinda, if I free Sir Lofty, a Marriage promise, whilst I and Wilding disgust him with his Bride.

Fair.

Thou advisest like one of Cupids Privy Counsellers.

Fairlove goes to Alinda, Courtwit to Wilding, who having whispered go to Vainman.

Brag.

Cheated of gold, and Jewels both!

To Owmuch, who is sup∣posed to have told her.

Own.

Of all, sh' has given 'em Farendine, whom she has made her Husband.

Brag.

Damn'd Wretch! yet ther's some comfort, the Knight may still be manag'd to advantage.

Owm.

Yes, to yours, but how am I assured you'l not deceive me there, as Crack says you design'd of the Gold, and Jewels.

Brag.

You know I Sealed you yesternight a Bond.

Owm.

Well remember'd 'twas for a thousand pounds y' are M••rried now pray let me have 't in keeping.

Brag.

You see 'tis in my power to destroy, yet I'le deliver't to your use.

[gives him the Bond.

Owm.

Honest Girl! this is good Mony still.

Vain.

Since you both affirm her Whore, you shall find Sir Lofty hath profundity, I'le affiance her to my Kinsman.

Wild.

'Twill hardly hold in Law, y' had better bribe the Vicar to Swear he did not marry you.

Vain.

Most feasible, but let's proceed methodically; surrepti∣tious Spouse.

Brag.

What sayes my heart?

Vain.

This Don avows of's proper cognizance, that thou art much inclinable t' a thing we call an Harlot.

Brag.

He challeng'd me for's Wife, and is it probable he'd wed a Whore?

Vain.

A very falacious Age, it cannot be suppos'd.

Fop.

Faith and troth the wrankest Whore Master in England would be glad of an honest Woman, if he knew where to find her.

Vain.

It is an intrinsical intrigue, and an apparent Stratagem.

Alin.

I hope your folly will not still besot you.

Vain.

D' you suppose I'le give credence t' a Rival?

Alin.

Lend Faith to Mr. Fairlove, he has known her these seven years past a common Jilt in Town.

Fair.

Whetstons Park ne're held a more debauched one.

Brag.

What e're I was, I'm now your Sister, and his Wife.

Alin.

Mine, I defie thee; be Sister to he Goates, ther's nothing that has honesty or Honour, but must abhor thy converse and Alliance.

Fair.

Y' have made a wondrous happy Match here.

[to Owmuch

Owm.

What I have done Sir, I dare justify.

Brag.

Let 'em say their worst Sir Lofty, you are not the first that has Married an obliging Lady.

Vain.

An obliging Lady, Zooks an obliging Lady, what a Lacquer she has found for a Whore? I'd give half my demeasnes for an emancipation.

Brag.

I'le not abate a farthing of a thousand a year annuity for life.

Owm.

And the present payment of two thousand pounds, due to me by bond, one on your own account, on hers the other.

Vain.

By the heroick atchievements of my Progenitors, it is too unconscienable.

Owm.

For my part I'le not abate a soulze.

Brag.

Nor I, I'le force him to maintain me.

Fair.

Since they'r so obstinate, for your fair Sisters sake, I'le release you from this shameful Match on easier terms.

Vain.

Covenant your Articles, and you shall have Lofty Vain∣man to the pedestals of the Indenture.

Fair.

Th' Articles shall be only two, and short ones; first your consent to Marry Alinda, I've hers already, and a thousand pounds for th' party I ingage in your release.

Vain.

I frankly condescend to both.

Fop.

I love you for that, Alinda's mine.

Vain.

That's immaterial; a Cavalier may Honorably infringe his parole to be infranchized from an Harlot.

Faren.

Now your hand's in; be charitable to a quondam Ci∣tizen, free me from this Chamber-Utinzel, I'le give you 500 pounds, for which these Jewels shall remain security, Nay, I'le ne∣ver more pretend to th' qualifications of a Gentleman.

Fair.

On these conditions, I accept them.

[takes the Cabinet.

Brag.

Quibble's in order certain.

Owm.

That I'le ingage, 'tis impossible he should make good his undertaking.

[Enter Witless, leading Quibble wrap'd in a rug.

Wit.

Come Parson, since thou abhorrest Women I'le see thee righted.

Quib.

Right or wrong, I'le have nothing to do with 'em.

Owm.

What new Monster have we here?

Quib.

A certain incumbant upon a Neighbouring Vicaridge, you might know me Mrs. Crack, for you have had some markes of my kindness.

Crac.

What two Parson Quibbles?

Fair.

No faith, this is a fair Nun, and no black-Frier.

[pulling off her peruk,

All.

How, Madam Courtwit.

Fair.

The same, she never was in orders; and, I suppose, her Marriage won't stand good in Law.

Brag.

Bafled on all hands! damn'd chance!

Owm.

It would perswade a Novice in Vice to change his Copy, and turn honest.

Crac.

I hope you'l return th'overplus of the Gold, and Jewels, I'm but a poor Maid.

Faren.

Not a farthing, when I have paid the 500 pounds, I'le distribute to every Man his own.

Fop.

Ne're go that's honest, the Gold Watch belongs to me.

Court.

Here ends our modish Courtship, for I'm so out of love with Wits since mine has proved the best, that I could find in my heart to cast my self away upon a Fool.

Fair.

A rich one Sister's the more substantial Man, and if Sir Lofty and you can make a Bargain, the 1500 pounds I've got shall be your portion.

Vain.

I superstitiously imbrace the proposition?

Court.

What, without my approbation?

Vain.

I know you are too intelligent a Wit to refuse a Knight of 2000 a year.

Court.

And because I will not forfeit that reputation, here's my hand to the foolish bargain.

Owm.

I shall expect present payment of the Bond you made to me, tho th' other of your quondam Wifes proves bad.

Fair.

How could he contract so great a debt to you.

Vain.

Let me dissolve like a Cherubim, if he owes me not 200 Guinnies, mony lent.

Fop.

And me an hundred, or I'm a guilt Nutmeg.

Fair.

What an unconscionable fellow wert thou, was not 300 pounds an handsome purchase: Be satisfied, and give him up the Bond, least you provoke me t' indite you for a Cheat.

Owm.

Upon condition they discharge the Guinnies they pre∣tend I owe them; there it is.

[gives up the Bond.

Fair.

I'le ingage they shall. For you may fair Trapans I would advise you to pack up your tooles, and post for London, and there live penitentially this long Vacation, on Mackarel, and Cucumbers; till Smith-field Pigs increase your commons.

Brag. Crac.

You are a damn'd jeering Rogue.

[Exeunt Brag, and Crack.

Fair.

Mr Quibble, my Sister shall return your Cassock, which she stripp'd you of, when you were drunk; take warning how you fuddle with Footmen; and to morrow you shall have the profit of our Wedding; and you Poet Witless may imploy this evening in composing Epithalamiums to be Sung to the Brides in the morning, they may turn to better account than your next Droll.

Fop.

I love you for this ne're go; what shall become of me?

Fair.

Y' had almost scapled my memory; But since I have robbed you of one Wife, the best justice is to help you to another; a Medly of poor Wits and Rich Fooles make the best mixture

in Nature; and I've a Sister in London at your Service.

Fop.

The Deel swallow me if I post not to London within this minute to Court her.

Fair.

Tis now too late to cellebrate our Nuptials, and too early to rectire, a Country Dance may prove perhaps no very un∣pleasant motion.

Court.

Come Platonick; let's have a Dance at parting.

Wild.

My condition is not so desperate as you imagine it, for I can more confidently beg a kindness from a married Woman, be∣cause the concession is less to her disadvantage.

Court.

Did I abound as much in Charity as you in hope, the Knight were in a very dangerous condition.

Wild.

I care not how little Charity you have, for they say that's extreamly cold, give me love.

Court.

You know not how a Dance may warm it.

[a Dance.

Fair.

Tho th' execution of our first design met very ill success, our obligations are still payable to your good intentions, the pro∣••ects were both Courtwits, and she resolved to reserve the best t' ••er self, as an Encomium of her Wit.

[To Wilding.

Wild.

To which I shall submissively subscribe.

Owm.

And I for ever curse.

Fair.

'Twere nobler to repent, you plainly see No Wit can prosper without honesty.

[Exeunt.

FINIS.