Tunbridge-Wells, or, A days courtship a comedy : as it is acted at the Dukes-Theatre / written by a person of quality ...

ACT IV. (Book 4)

Enter Alinda, Fairlove following.

Alind.

ARe you not extreamly audacious to persue me thus in∣to my Lodgings?

Fair.

And are not you a strange Lady, first t' invite me, and then to make so slight of my welcome.

Alin.

I invite you, 't was in my sleep then, for that little know∣ledge I have had of your conversation waking▪ has been so un∣pleasant, I can never wish your Company but on Good Fridays, because it is a day of pennance.

Fair.

What a strange deceitful world do we live in? I've been an interpreter of Ladies looks these Ten years▪ and if the lan∣guishing glance you gave me, when you took Coach did not plain∣ly s••y, Fairlove follow me, and see how kind I can be to a person of your merit, I'le ne're trust observation more.

Alin.

My eyes were very intelligent to be so soon acquainted with your deserts; But if your Name be Fairelove, I would in∣treat you to march fairly off: You see the door.

Fair.

Does it lead t' your Lady-ships Bedchamber?

Alin.

Yes, yes, through a close Lobby behind the Stairs.

Fair.

If it be dark, 'twill be difficult to find; I'le stay for my Guide,

[Enter Parret.

And if I am not deceived the Devil has sent me one.

Par.

Madam, my Patroness presents her devoirs to your Ladi∣ship, and desires to know the state of your Paraquetta's health, and whether your pretty Shock has puppi'd yet?

Alin.

The poor Creature has been in travel ever since last night.

Fair.

For want of some of your occupation, Mrs. Parret.

Par.

How can your Ladiship suffer the lewdness of that prophane fellow? I'de not be seen in's debauch'd company for a dozen of Christenings.

Alin.

He rudely follow'd me from the Wells, I can't be quit of him.

Fair.

I never heard you desire it; but for this Beldam, she is al∣way Bedlam mad, near Midsumer Moon.

Par.

By the Faith of my Body he's the greatest Debauché in Na∣ture, nor fit to be trusted in a civil womans company, he would have ravish'd me; a broom-stick in a Petty-coat, could not 'scape him; Madam, there's not a Village within nine miles, but is at charge with his adulterous Off-spring.

Fair.

Tho my breeding has not been so course as t' allow me a vindication in her Billingsgate phrase; I hope your Ladiship will not entertain the worse opinion of me.

Par.

If she values her reputation she will, for to be seen in thy company, is to be concluded a Wench.

Alin.

These clamorous reproaches in my Lodgings will not, I'm sure, be much for my reputation; therefore sweet Mrs. Parret, let me intreat your silence.

Par.

Command your Bully, Does he think to bear me down, I am not to be opprest by any man.

Fair.

I intend no oppression; let me intreat your absence.

Par.

For ought I know you may debauch the Lady, nay perhaps ravish her, y'have intruded into her privacy already.

Fair.

There's but one way. Give me thy hand, thou'rt as peev∣ish as a sick Judge towards th' end of a long impertinent Cause, thou knowest I love thee.

[gives her Money.

Par.

You are such an insinuating kind of Gentleman, I beg your Lady-ships pardon for th' exorbitancy of my Passion, and shall give my Patroness assurances of your good health.

[Exit.

Alin.

Receiving so pious a Character of your good life, I've reason t' invite your stay.

Fair.

I am not so scrupulous, the first invitation shall serve; unless you peremptorily command my absence I dare not stir.

Alin.

Your civility might have sav'd you the labor of coming, and me the trouble of bidding you be gone.

Fair.

If you find it so difficult to bid me go, consider how vexatious my absence may prove.

Alin.

Doubtless I should imploy all the water-fillers in hunt∣ing after you.

Fair.

But that I'm extraordinary good natur'd, I'd take you at your word, and make my leg.

Alin.

That wou'd I fain see, for I'm so civil to believe you have learnt to dance.

Fair.

O! I could lead you such a Corant to Church▪

Alin.

Had I the grace to follow!

Fair.

You blush as if you were not quite past it.

Alin.

Would you had enough to find the door?

Fair.

Swear first that you will not call me back.

Alin.

My word may serve sure.

Fair.

Not now, your eyes have prov'd so fraudulent, and in most Women, they're less deceitful than the tongue.

Alin.

Well since it must be so—By all—

Fair.

Hold! do nothing rashly, swear seriously, an demurely.

Alin.

You are a pleasant Gentleman: here comes my Bro∣ther, you had best tell him I invited you.

Fair.

Nay, I'le Swear it, for I find you hant courage to deny it.

Alin.

Rely upon't.

[Enter Vainman▪

Vain.

T'is Fairlove, If Owmuch should not have glutinized our Imbroglio.

[he starts back.

Alin.

Nay Brother you may advance, for our discourse might suit the Piazza for it's concern, and the Mall for it's impertinence.

Fair.

Madam, I suppose, you speak for your own, since y•• ought to have mine in more reverence.

Alin.

Good forward Sir, it is not come to that yet.

Fair.

Not to the Maturity you wish Lady.

Vain.

The ruptures cemented, I may be bold dear▪ Fairlove! I

am transcendantly perplexed by the participation of some sinister misapprehensions between us.

Fair.

I never entertained the least of Sir Lofty.

Vain.

By the quiddity of my Knight-hood, I was as innocent of any intentional injury, or injurious intention, But con licenza, that figure must not laps quotation.

[draws his Book.

Fair.

Your Brother slips no opportunity of improving his observation.

Alin.

I find little difference between ye; for he silently ob∣serves his own follies, and you loudly proclame yours to render 'em observeable to others.

[Enter Owmuch.

Owm.

How! Sir Lofty and Fairlove; I wish my Stratagem to keep 'em at distance been't discovered.

Alin.

I'm glad this Gentleman comes to my deliverance.

Fair.

You talk as if you were with Child.

Alin.

I've been in travail ever since you came.

Fair.

She means she has been at labour to detain me here.

Alin.

I suppose you know his way of confidence.

Owm.

I doubt not but you understand your selves; and my business lies to Sir Lofty.

Vain.

Fairlove and I have contracted a reintigration of amity, thou hast performed a Miracle.

Owm.

Tom can witness how industruously I labour'd, but pray a word.

Fair.

I may connive a wile at his deceit, till I've imprinted on my sisters Soul the knowledg of her happiness, in marrying so Rich a Fop; But he shall then refund, or joyn his interest to conclude the Match.

Vain.

Balsamich Fairlove, I petition thy pardon, for I have very ponderous engagements.

Fair.

You are Master of your own occasions.

Alin.

Sure Brother you wont leave me abandon'd to the dis∣cretion of a stranger.

Vain.

Were you my Mother, I could not recommend you to a Person of more sincere sobriety, or sober sincerity another admir∣able anti me tabole but time compresses my af••air.

[Exit with Owm.

Alin.

My wise Brother as trusted us together.

Fair.

He knew I ran the greater hazard in trusting my self.

Alin.

I shall scarce eat you, tho' it be towards dinner time.

Fair.

Yet your fair eies devours my peace; your Beauty preys upon my heart continually.

Alin.

How do you Sir, Are you well?

[Alinda stamps.

Fair.

Well, Madam: y'astonish me.

Alin.

You spoke so like a Wight in Love, I was afraid you'd sound, and knock'd for a Restorative.

Fair.

You are resolv'd I find to murther me.

Alin.

Die not yet, I beseech you, 'till the World has taken notice you were my Servant: That may advantage me.

Fair.

I had rather live miserable all my life, than profit a Woman by my death,

Alin.

Nay, it shall cost you nothing, die when you please, I'le mourn at my own charge, and wear the ruthful Bandore like a Bill upon my forehead, t'inform Mankind that here's a Woman to be let.

Fair.

By Lease or yearly Rent.

Alin.

That's as we can agree, perhaps for term of Life.

Fair.

Y'are a mad Soul, nothing but age and wedlock can tame you.

Alin.

When I am hungry especially, therefore I'le to dinner.

[Exit.

Fair.

And because I can digest a good meal better than your unkindness, I'le follow.

[Exit.

SCENE. II.

Enter Witless, Quibble, Farendine, Crack.

Wit.

Not except my Verses, I'le lampoon her to dishonour.

Crac.

You mispend your fury; my Lady's not of the Tribe of Hellicon, and were you heir apparent to Parnassus, she'd not accept it for a joynture.

Wit.

Each Acre of that precious Land is worth an Empire.

Crac.

What's Empire to her? that would be content with a Parish.

Quib.

Or the tyth of a Parish: Well urg'd Crack.

Faren.

She'l be as soon pleas'd with a tyth Pig.

Wit.

Or a Pigs tail.

Quib.

The tip of such a tail's worth all thy rhiming Reams.

Wit.

Avaunt ignorance, I despise and desert you like two legg'd Brutes, that have felloniously stollen the Shapes of rational Crea∣tures.

[Exit.

Crac.

There's one blown off in vapour; These I must manage to more profit.

[Aside.

Quib.

Your Lady, I doubt, is no Saint.

Crac.

Your reason good charitable Vicar.

Quib.

Because she loves deeds of darkness, and seldome comes to light.

Crac.

She loves you indeed but too well.

Quib.

Softly, dear Rogue, Farendine over hears.

Far.

She wheedles him to give me opportunity to woo the Wi∣dow, which these Orators will soon effect; when Gold is no pre∣vailing advocate.

Quib.

Thy services have been remarkable, and I'le reward them methodically, with a positive mark of my liberality, a comparative mark of thy fidelity, and a Superlative mark of my own gratitude.

[gives her money.

Crack.

You'l observe the time and place.

Quib.

I'le be as watchful as a famisht Cat, that has her Prey in a pound.

[Exit Quibble.

Crac.

'Twas no slight cunning to stave off these Suitors, to give your love and bounty free access.

Faren.

I thirst to see thy Lady, and present her with my heart, this offering.

[a purse of gold

Crac.

She loves old gold most passionately, but I delay your bliss, I pray walk in.

Far.

Be faithful and be happy.

[Exeunt

SCENE III.

Fairlove, Alinda.

Fair.

To make protestations were t'increase your doubts: but rest assured I'le serve you with all the faith becomes a Gentleman; your apprehensions are to me no strangers.

Alin.

You then must think it worth a Sisters care, t' impede the ruin of an only Brother.

Fair.

In pity to him, and kindness to my Sister, before I had the honour to know you, I meant to retreive him from that Harpies snares.

Alin.

Persue the kind design; I should be proud to have him joyn'd to a Person of her conduct.

Fair.

Your partial Character seems t'nsinuate a former know∣ledge of my Sister Courtwit.

Alin.

I've seen her oft at either Theater. But could not till

last Spring boast her acquaintance, when she was pleased t' oblige my morning walks i'th' Mall with her converse. Fairlove, 't was there she gave me that little, but kind knowledge of your worth, which best justifies my Modesty, in craving thus abruptly your assistance.

Fair.

The greatest justice you can do my love, Is to believe that I was born to serve you.

[Enter Fop.

Fop.

Ner'e stir Madam, you know I'm to lodge next door to the sign of your heart, that is when you consent to be my wedded Mate; But now I think on't, the Devil swallow me if I care a blew-point for your resolve; for your Brother and I have con∣cluded the matter.

Alin.

Without my privity.

Fop.

I love you for that, ne're stir a very impertinent interoga∣tion; let your Brother pay your Portion, and I settle a joynter, and then a Fig for your privity,

Alin.

Y' are not gone I hope so far.

Fop.

We go hand in hand ner'e stir, I love you for that, when he weds the Widdow, I must marry you.

Fair.

You!

Alin.

Why are you concerned at such a Butter-fly?

Fop.

Zookes ne're frown for the business; you may as soon overthrow the new Pyramid as alter me; and if y' have been con∣cerned before me, you shall be concerned altogether, for Timo∣thy Fop—I love you for that ne're stir.

Alin.

Why so chollerick; pri' thee tell me this Widows Name.

Fop.

I love you for that, she hopes to be wiser by me.

Alin.

I might indeed dispair oft.

Fair.

He makes a secret of a Proclamation; I'le tell you her Name presently.

Fop.

The Devil barrel me for a shotten herring, if I suffer that, her name is Brag; as I know how to keep a secret; so I scorn that any Man shou'd disclose it before me.

Fair.

She's on of Owmuches Decoys, a very Iilt.

Alin.

My fears were too prophetick; what's to be done

Fop.

Nay you may whisper till your hearts ake, but if I catch you in the censuring walk in Greys-Inn, I'le be even with you ne're stir, and in th' intrim I'le withdraw to contemplate my own merits.

[Exit.

Fair.

Could we but draw my Sister to our party, we soon might frustrate this intended Match?

Alin.

I blame not her aversion to his follies, yet hope her Charity will feign that love t'attract him for the present, and di∣vert him from this intended treachery.

Fair.

Your friendship will oblige her to much more, I know the shade she usually frequents, give me the Honour to attend you thither.

Alin.

Y' are grown too serviceable to me now, to scruple any favour vertue warrants▪

[Exeunt.

SCENE. IV.

Owmuch, Vainman, Brag, Crack.

Owm.

The Widow's yours, and I'm proud o'th' service; as for this Bond, your kind acknowledgement, take your own time for payment.

Vain.

Your precipitated favours confound my intellects; come Widow, I hunger to stamp thee a Lady.

Brag.

You triumph in your Victory, but I bar Sealing till the Man in Black has delivered you up to my use.

Crack.

If the grove will serve for a Chathedral, Quibble shall exercise that function.

Owm.

He's a pretender, and will ner'e consent.

Brag.

Unless I were disguised.

Vain.

By the rapidity of invention, I apprehend a Night gown with a visor my sister left in my appartment might serve.

Crac.

Admirably, for I'm to meet the Person by assignation.

Owm.

You are setting up for a Husband then.

Crac.

Not there beleive me Sir. Madam—

[seems to whisper Brag▪

Brag.

This Ring, pri'thee take it, and may it answer thy desires.

Owm.

Let her engage the Minister, and I'le meet you two hours hence.

Crac.

Doubt not my working him.

Owm.

But to assure the business Crack, take Gold, it will work on any Clergy Man in Europe. Give her Ten Guinnys.

Vain.

Most beatifically imagined; ther's Twenty; thou and the Parson shall divide.

Crac.

In the next close from Bounds you'l see an Oak carv'd full of Lovers names; Be there in readiness, and leave the rest to me.

Vaen.

Well, you'l remember.

To Owmuch.

Owm.

I hope t' arrive in time; but shou'd m' affairs detain me, you may confide in Crack, she's a Girl of wit, and for the management of this concern much apter than my self.

Vain.

Come Widow, this Night I'le celebrate the Baccha∣nalia's of Hymen; and inebriate my Knight-hood in the pro∣fundities of Venus.

[Exeunt.

Crac.

How the Fool's exalted in imagination; I've lodg'd i'th' grove a brace from the same Herd,

And if blind Fortune favour my design, The Raskal Dear shall make the fatter mine.

[Exit.