The third book of the works of Mr. Francis Rabelais, Doctor in Physick containing the heroick deeds of Pantagruel the son of Gargantua / now faithfully translated into English by the unimitable pen of Sir Thomas Urwhart.

CHAP. XXXVI. A Continuation of the Answer of the Ephectick and Pyrronian Philosopher Trouillogan. (Book 36)

YOU speak wisely, quoth Panurge, if the Moon were green Cheese; such a Tale once piss'd my Goose: I do not think but that I am let down into that dark Pit, in the lowermost bottom where∣of the truth was hid, according to the saying of Heraclitus. I see no whit at all, I hear nothing, understand as little, my Senses are altogether dull'd and blunted; truly I do very shrewdly suspect that I am enchanted. I will now alter the for∣mer style of my Discourse, and talk to him in another Strain. Our trusty Friend, stir not, nor imburse any; but let us va∣ry the Chance, and speak without Dis∣junctives: I see already that these loose and ill-joined Members of an Eununciati∣on do vex, trouble and perplex you.

Now go on, in the Name of God, Should I marry?

Trouillogan.

There is some likelyhood therein.

Panurge.

But if I do not marry?

Trouil.

I see in that no Inconveni∣ence.

Pan.

You do not?

Trouil.

None, truly, if my Eyes deceive me not.

Pan.

Yea, but I find more than Five Hundred.

Trouil.

Reckon them.

Pan.

This is an Impropriety of Speech, I confess; for I do no more thereby, but take a certain for an uncertain Number, and posit the determinate Term for what is indeterminate. When I say therefore Five Hundred, my meaning is, many.

Trouil.

I hear you.

Pan.

Is it possible for me to live with∣out a Wife, in the Name of all the Sub∣terranean Devils?

Trouil.

Away with these filthy Beasts.

Pan.

Let it be then in the Name of God; for my Salmigondinish People use to say, To lie alone without a Wife, is certainly a bruitish Life. And such a Life also was it assevered to be by Dido in her Lamen∣tations.

Trouil.

At your Command.

Pan.

By the Pody Cody, I have fished fair; where are we now? But will you tell me? Shall I marry?

Trouil.

Perhaps.

Pan.

Shall I thrive or speed well with∣all?

Trouil.

According to the Encounter.

Pan.

But if in my Adventure I en∣counter aright, as I hope I will, shall I be fortunate?

Trouil.

Enough.

Pan.

Let us turn the clean contrary way, and brush our former Words against the Wool; what if I encounter ill?

Trouil.

Then blame not me.

Pan.

But, of Courtesie, be pleased to give me some Advice: I heartily beseech you, what must I do?

Trouil.

Even what thou wilt.

Pan.

Wishy, washy; Trolly, trolly.

Trouil.

Do not Invocate the Name of any thing, I pray you.

Pan.

In the Name of God, let it be so: my Actions shall be regulated by the Rule and Square of your Counsel: What is it that you advise and counsel me to do?

Trouil.

Nothing.

Pan.

Shall I ma••••••?

Trouil.

I have no hand in it.

Pan.

Then shall I not marry?

Trouil.

I cannot help it.

Pan.

If I never marry, I shall never be a Cuckold,

Trouil.

I thought so.

Pan.

But put the case that I be married.

Trouil.

Where shall we put it?

Pan.

Admit it be so then, and take my meaning in that sence.

Trouil.

I am otherways employed.

Pan.

By the Death of a Hog, and Mo∣ther of a Toad, O Lord, if I durst ha∣zard upon a little Fling at the swearing Game, though privily and under Thumb, it would lighten the Burthen of my Heart, and ease my Lights and Reins exceeding∣ly; a little Patience nevertheless is requi∣site. Well then, if I marry, I shall be a Cuckold.

Trouil.

One would say so.

Pan.

Yet if my Wife prove a vertu∣ous, wise, discreet and chaste Woman, I shall never be Cuckolded.

Trouil.

I think you speak congruously.

Pan.

Hearken.

Trouil.

As much as you will.

Pan.

Will she be discreet and chaste? This is the only Point I would be resolved in?

Trouil.

I question it.

Pan.

You never saw her?

Trouil.

Not that I know of.

Pan.

Why do you then doubt of that which you know not?

Trouil.

For a Cause.

Pan.

And if you should know her.

Trouil.

Yet more.

Pan.

Page, my pretty little Darling, take here my Cap, I give it thee: Have a care you do not break the Spectacles that are in it; go down to the lower Court: Swear there half an hour for me, and I shall in compensation of that Favour swear hereafter for thee as much as thou wilt. But who shall Cuckold me?

Trouil.

Some body.

Pan.

By the Belly of the wooden Horse at Troy, Master Somebody, I shall bang, be∣lam thee, and claw thee well for thy la∣bour.

Trouil.

You say so.

Pan.

Nay, nay, that Nick in the dark Celler, who hath no White in his Eye, carry me quite away with him, if in that case, whensoever I go abroad from the Palace of my Domestick Residence, I do not with as much Circumspection, as they use to ring Mares in our Country to keep them from being sallied by Stoned Horses, clap a Bergamasco Lock upon my Wife.

Trouillogan.

Talk better.

Panurge.

It is Bien chien chié chanté, well cacked, and cackled; shitten, and sung in matter of Talk: Let us resolve on some∣what.

Trouillogan.

I do not gainsay it.

Panurge.

Have a little patience, seeing I cannot on this side draw any Blood of you. I will try, if with the Launcet of my Judgment, I be able to bleed you in another Vein. Are you married, or are you not?

Trouillogan.

Neither the one nor the o∣ther, and both together.

Panurge.

O the good God help us; by the Death of a Buffle-ox, I sweat: with the toyl and travel that I am put to, and find my Digestion broke off, disturbed, and interrupted for all my Phrenes, Meta∣phrenes, and Diaphragmes, Back, Belly, Mid∣••i••, Muscles, Veins, and Sinews are held in a suspence, and for a while discharged from their proper Offices, to stretch forth their several Powers and Abilities, for Incor∣nifistibulating, and laying up into the Ham∣per of my Understanding, your various Sayings and Answers.

Trouillogan.

I shall be no hinderer there∣of.

Panurge.

Tush, for shame: our faithful Friend, speak, Are you married?

Trouillogan.

I think so.

Panurge.

You were also married before you had this Wife.

Trouillogan.

It is possible.

Panurge.

Had you good Luck in your First Marriage?

Trouillogan.

It is not impossible.

Panurge.

How thrive you with this Se∣cond Wise of yours?

Trouillogan.

Even as it pleaseth my Fa∣tal Destiny.

Panurge.

But what in good earnest? tell me: Do you prosper well with her?

Trouillogan.

It is likely.

Panurge.

Come on, in the Name of God: I vow, by the Burthen of Saint▪ Christopher, that I had rather undertake the fetching of a Fart forth of the Belly of a dead Ass, then to draw out of you a positive and determinate Resolution: yet shall I be sure at this time to have a snatch at you, and get my Claws over you. Our trusty Friend, let us shame the Devil of Hell, and confess the verity: Were you ever a Cuckold? I say, you who are here▪ and not that other you who playeth be∣low in the Tennis-Court?

Trouillogan.

No, if it was not predesti∣nated.

Panurge.

By the Flesh, Blood, and Body, I swear, reswear, forswear, abjure, and re∣nounce, he evades and avoids, shifts, and escapes me, and quite slips and winds him∣self out of my Gripes and Clutches.

At these words Gargantua arose, and said, Praised be the good God in all things, but especially for bringing the World in∣to that heighth of Refinedness, beyond what it was when I first came to be ac∣quainted therewith, that now the Learn∣edst and most Prudent Philosophers are not ashamed to be seen entring in at the Porches and Frontispieces of the Schools of the Pyrronian, Aporetick, Sceptick, and Ephectick Sects: Blessed be the Holy Name of God, veritably, it is like henceforth to be found an Enterprize of much more ea∣sie undertaking, to catch Lvons by the Neck, Horses by the Main, Oxen by the Horns, Bulls by the Muzzle, Wolves by the Tail, Goats by the Beard, and flying Birds by the Feet, then to intrap such Philosophers in their words. Farewel, my worthy, dear, and honest Friends.

When he had done thus speaking, he withdrew himself from the Company; Pautagruel, and others with him would have followed and accompanied him, but he would not permit them so to do. No sooner was Gargantua departed out of the

Banquetting-Hall, then that Pantagruel said to the invited Guests: Plato's Timee, at the Beginning always of a solemn Festi∣val Convention, was wont to count those that were called thereto; we on the con∣trary, shall at the Closure and End of this Treatment, reckon up our Number, One, Two, Three; Where is the Fourth? I miss my Friend Bridlegoose: Was not he sent for? Epistemon answered, That he had been at his House to bid and invite him; but could not meet with him: for that a Messenger from the Parliament of Mirlingois, in Mirlingues, was come from him, with a Writ of Summons, to cite and warn him personally to appear before the Reverend Senators of the High Court there, to vindicate and justifie himself at the Bar, of the Crime of Prevarication laid to his charge, and to be peremptorily instanced against him in a certain De∣cree, Judgment, or Sentence lately award∣ed, given and pronounced by him: and that therefore he had taken Horse, and departed in great hast from his own House; to the end, that without peril or danger of falling into a default, or contu∣macy, he might be the better able to keep the prefixed and appointed time.

I will (quoth Pantagruel) understand how that matter goeth; it is now above

Forty Years, that he hath been constantly the Judge of Fonsbeton: during which space of time, he hath given Four thou∣sand Definitive Sentences: of Two thou∣sand three hundred and nine whereof, al∣though Appeal was made by the Parties whom he had judicially condemned from his inferiour Judicatory, to the Supream Court of the Parliament of Mirlingois, in Mirlingues, they were all of them never∣theless confirmed, ratified and approved of by an Order, Decree, and final Sen∣tence of the said Sovereign Court, to the casting of the Appellants, and utter over∣throw of the Suits wherein they had been soiled at Law, for ever and a day: that now in his Old Age he should be perso∣nally summoned, who in all the foregoing time of his Life, hath demeaned himself so unblamably in the Discharge of the Office and Vocation he had been called unto; it cannot assuredly be, that such a change hath happened without some notorious Misfortune and Disaster: I am resolved to help and assist him in Equity and Justice to the uttermost extent of my power and ability. I know the Malice, Despight, and Wickedness of the World to be so much more now-a-days exaspered, increa∣sed, and aggravated by what it was not long since, that the best Cause that is, how

just and equitable soever it be, standeth in great need to be succoured, aided and supported. Therefore presently, from this very instant forth▪ do I purpose, till I see the event and closure thereof, most heed∣fully to attend and wait upon it, for fear of some under-hand tricky Surprizal, Ca∣villing, Pettifoggery, or allacious Quirks in Law, to his detriment, hurt, or disad∣vantage.

Then Dinner being done, and the Ta∣bles drawn and removed, when Pantagruel had very cordially and affectionately thanked his invited Guests, for the Favour which he had enjoyed of their Company, he presented them with several rich and costly Gifts, such as Jewels, Rings set with precious Stones, Gold and Silver Vessels; with a great deal of other sort of Plate be∣sides; and lastly, taking of them all his Leave, retired himself into an inner Cham∣ber.